ooof

Been my own punching bag for several weeks now. 

Need to get out of the 圈圈。

一步一步来

往前走

..........

有心无力，要咋做才能更精力充沛呢 

That feeling of being stuck in a rut and just cruising along with no real growth & improvement. 

Mid-life woes?

Lack of exercise & hence motivation?

Hope to

1. Read, Exercise, Reflect more
2. Maintain & nurture relationships with family, friends, colleagues
3. Continue being present for the kids 

Reminder to Self

When you fixate on something, it becomes your reality.

Take that first step. Just do it. Get started. Just keep swimming. 

Don't let whatever was clinically diagnosed hold you back, box you in or constrain your thoughts,  behaviours and actions.

Try try try. And then try somemore. 

Unstoppable

Unstoppable - Sia

All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town

I'll do it 'til the sun goes down
And all through the nighttime
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what you wanna hear
Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear
It's never the right time
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

Break down, only alone I will cry out loud
You'll never see what's hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah
I know, I've heard that to let your feelings show
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I'm too afraid now
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable

I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

============

Summing things up? I dunno...

But anyway, the other day, K & I were debating what word it was (old liao both of us forgot lol)...

I said it was "Impossible"...he said it was "Unbreakable"...

The girls overheard....rolled their eyes and said..."Unstoppable lah!!!"

Lol lol lol....

Reminder to Self

Growth Mindset

Growth Mindset

Growth Mindset

View challenges as opportunities and learning experiences

I can't do it...yet. But I will learn how to and eventually I will be able to.

Keep going. 

Yes....need to remind myself

 

Ouch

Irony. I always tell friends, colleagues & my parents to be careful when walking, especially after rain when the ground is wet.

Was walking home yesterday at 5-plus when I fell. Ground was wet after the afternoon rain. Left foot slipped on a metal cover on the pavement, and I landed fully on my right knee with a loud slam on the metal cover. Happened in a second and I couldn't have prevented it at all. No reaction time. 

I remember immediately uttering "SHIT". 

There was a Malay uncle behind me who was fiddling with something from the box on his bike maybe 2-3 meters aware and he was quite sweet. He shouted to me: "You ok or not? Can walk? Must be careful ya! Don't walk on the metal covers! Aiyah, I also kena alot of times on these things, very slippery one! Next time don't walk on them ok! You ok? Need help or not? That's why lah, I don't know why they must put so many of these metal things on the ground. Aiyah next time don't walk on these already ok."

I got up, tested my knee and found I could still walk. Thanked the uncle and continued walking home, though slowly cos my knee was aching. 

Went home and peeled my jeans off. Thankful I was in jeans else my skin would probably have had a bad cut. Kneecap was reddish, with some orh-cheh starting to show up. There were some patches of bleeding under the skin, and a small cut. Was wondering how the cut happened when my jeans was still ok and had no tear. Spent a few minutes wallowing then realised I should be icing the area. 

Iced the area and felt myself getting increasingly anxious about it. Will my knee be ok? Got fracture or not? etc...Tried my best to calm myself down and manage myself. Felt ok enough to go out to the living room to have dinner with the girls. Ate halfway........and then I didn't feel right. Told K I had to go back into the bedroom to lie down....

And then it came.

The symptoms I felt whenever I had a fainting spell. The warmth, the cold sweat, the clammy skin, the tingles in the palms & fingers, the light-headedness. The greying and blurring vision...Wah lau I thought to myself...Somewhere in the midst of this, I had the sense to turn on the room lights, and turn on the fan, before throwing myself on the bed and trying to breathe and control the fainting.

Called out to K and he came in. I think I was rather pale and breathing quite hard by then. I remember moaning a little and whimpering. He was my calm anchor and held my hands. I could him talking to me in the background, trying to calm me down and assuring me he was there. 

I'm not sure how long passed before I opened my eyes. I don't think I blacked out. I remember being conscious throughout, just feeling very uncomfortable and quite out of it. When I finally opened my eyes, I felt tired...quite tired. 

Rested another 1.5hrs before I got up & out of bed, and carried on with whatever else I could eat and had a shower before crashing into bed again....

This vasovagal episode has brought me much anxiety again...Feels a little like I regressed. May I have the strength to manage my thoughts, emotions and feelings.

Jiayou Michelle....

Today's Teachings from a Buddhist Monk on YouTube

3 things to give up in life:

1    Give up excuses – embrace your responsibility and face your fears

2.      Give up toxic habits – because we become what we repeatedly do

3.      Give up fear of failure – because success is not final and failure is not fatal

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Self-actualisation – desire to become the most that one can be, morality, creativity,

Esteem – respect, self-esteem, status, recognition, strength, freedom

Love & belonging – friendship, intimacy, family, sense of connection

Safety – personal security, employment, resources, health, property

Physiological – air, water, food, shelter, sleep, clothing, reproduction

I'm on Facebook alot less the last few years. Maybe it's to keep my mental well-being a bit better. On the occasions I’m in, I sometimes end up wondering why folks seem to be well-established in their lower tiers and moving on to their higher tiers.

I feel I’m stagnant in the low/mid-tiers and still focusing on some of my needs in those tiers. 

Yup, I know that it’s not an absolute movement from one tier up to the next and things tend to be more fluid where people move up, down and in-between tiers. And yup, I know I should just focus on myself and my own pace as each person has his or her own path.

Reminders to self.

Just keep working on things, keep working on yourself, keep going. 

Kaizen - little improvements, bit by bit...

Chin up.

Feeling a little lost at work. Feel like as if I am not putting in my best. Sometimes 有心无力.

Uncertainty and self-doubt is ever present and creeps up from time to time. Quite self-limiting when it happens. There are better days when it ebbs and I feel more confident of myself, and the things I do. 

Just have to keep walking. Chin up. 

Notes from a podcast

Be mindful about (i) body, (ii) feelings, (iii) mind, and (iv) mental states.

How to be mindful of your mind.....

Observe your thoughts, become aware of them. It creates a space between you & your thoughts. It separates you from your thoughts. Your thoughts come and go, there is impermanence. You are you, you are unchanged, but your thoughts can come and go. When you separate yourself from your thoughts, your thoughts become like an outside object and you hold a more neutral non-judgmental view on your thoughts.

Ask yourself: what are you thinking of?

It is challenging but you have to practise this and be mindful about it. It gets easier over time after you practise and practise it. Your anxiety is always triggered by an emotion. It brings you to the future – what happens, what will happen what might happen?

What made me anxious? What made me fear? Then come back and think of this present moment.

Practise mindfulness and the separation of you & your thoughts.

Show some compassion for yourself. No one can be perfect always. Perfection does not equal success. Just do your best.

Note + Reminder to Self

Was listening to something on YouTube while editing a document. 

Keeping the list here as a reminder......

1. Identify your emotions (recognise, be aware)

2. Take responsibility for our actions (hold yourself accountable)

3. Find a role model (as a good guide, how do they handle negative feedback)

4. Keep a thought diary (identity patterns, realise that bad thoughts and worries are not true)

5. Learn to be open-minded (hear others out, less judgement)

6. Embrace reality (accept life, accept flaws, accept what can’t be changed)

7. Pause and be patient (pause & reflect, consciously choose how you want to react)
8. Live in the present (be conscious, be in the moment) 

Breathe Again

Reminder to self-manage more again.

Back-slided quite abit. Manifesting through fatigue, slightly queasy tummy, some fogginess/grogginess, irritability and strong emotions.

Hang in there Michelle...just breathe and keep going...baby steps again if you need. 

你可以的！

Breathe

Breathe.

船到桥头自然直

Thinking, worrying won't get you anywhere much. 

Stuck in a rut again. Worrying about upcoming things. 

Maybe I should cut down on lurking on social media again. Many nice and happy (whether curated or not) photos out there that are making me subconsciously think?

Keep going

Week of end Oct and early Nov was tough. Worked in office, got home, put the girls to bed, and then continued clearing things. 

There were 1 or 2 nights I felt like puking. I think my body was protesting. 

I can breathe slightly better now. The newest perm staff recruited specifically for this project has caught up well enough and can run most things on her own already. Helps that she's smart and understood most gaps and policy issues raised. LSE grad 果然不同. 

There are still things to settle on the workfront but I am cutting myself abit more slack these few days...Physically tired. Mentally a little. 

But.

Keep going. 

Keep moving. 

Keep walking. 

Keep showing up. 

Ganbatte!!!

What gives?

Been double-hatting since early March. Things are getting quite hectic. started to cover someone who left from this month onwards....

Plate's overflowing and I think I am dropping things. I hope things settle down abit in November/December. 

Also feeling guilty for not being able to be there for the girls sometimes or not being fully present. Sitting there doing things with them is different from sitting there with a laptop on my lap...

My patience wears thin at times. 

Although I am on leave on some days, I still cover work or get disturbed. I am on birthday leave next Mon but there is an important meeting that I cannot skip. 

What gives? 

How to set boundaries when there are responsibilities to settle at the same time? Do I throw the team to flounder and flail? Do I disappoint the kids? Do I stretch my own mental capacities and mental health and physical health?

Losing weight. Breached the 45kg mark and am now at 44.5kg. I think I am eating...maybe I am sub-consciously eating smaller amounts cos my tummy doesn't feel well half the time. I dunno...but I hope to be back to 47 or 48 again...Maybe stress burns fats hmm...

Ganbatte Michelle.......

Ganbatte

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep walking. Keep breathing. 

Try. Try again. 

You can do this Michelle...! 

Reminder to Self

To listen more and understand.

To not interject or interrupt when others are talking. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be less selfish and self-centered. 

To not take people for granted. 

To be more self-aware if and when I am becoming so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To keep going. 

To keep walking. 

To keep trying. 

Breathe.

Breathe. And keep going. 

You can do this.