mild melancholia

Sitting in the dimness.
The only light is that of those rays emanating from the PC screen.
The air is still. Naught a single draft for the windows are closed, the door is closed. And yet, I do not feel warm.
In fact, my toes are tingling from being cold. I need to wriggle them from time to time. To keep them from getting numb.
Michael Buble is singing in the background..soft and strong at the same time.

A certain emptiness washes over. I feel I have everything and nothing, at the same time.
I feel content and not, at the same time. I feel tired and energetic, at the same time.
Paradoxical.

I miss my boy. I miss his touch. I miss his smiles. When did I last see him? Gosh, just 2 hours ago. When we went to visit Gran in CGH.

A sudden realisation came to me just now when Adrian brought it up to me.
She's fitted with a pacemaker. And the pacemaker is in turn fitted with a battery slated to last for 10 years. It's already 10 years since she had the pacemaker put in. The docs expected that the battery will outlive her. Not the other way around.
At 91, she's too old for any major op. If the battery stops, her heart has to do its own pumping. How strong is her heart still to carry on its own beating, we don't know for sure. We won't know for sure too, till the day it has to take place.

Hope she's sleeping well in her ward now...

Really miss him too. Wish he could be with me now. Just his presence alone is calming enough.
Ugh...Saturday is our next meet up. Seems far far away right now. Haha, that goondu left a big patch of drool on my pillow when he dozed off on my bed on Mon night. Couldn't be bothered to wash the case or change it. Now I have one big, red, angry pimple on my nose. Am so gonna put the blame on him. Haha.

I've stopped Buble. Switched 933FM on instead for a more light-hearted touch to the atmosphere. Music works wonders to one's mood. It's amazing how a few notes combined together can make or break a person's mood. And it's amazing how 8 little notes spread across varied scales can achieve such a wide wide wide and never-ending spectrum of rhythms and melodies. Its an endless permutation.

I received another wedding invite today, via SMS. For a March wedding. That will be my 14th wedding in 8 months. Part of my year end bonus from last year went and will go to feed these red bombs. It's kind of weird. The girl who sent the invite, we were close friends in JC. (Shit, that's 10 years ago.) But drifted apart after we went to different universities. She invited me & PQ to her ROM last October. In a way, I am glad she still treats me as her close friend and am happy for her. In another way, I feel so far from her now and cannot help but feel that my attendance of her 2 big events are but neccessary obligations. Towards a friendship long cool after years of absence and non-engagement. Simply put, I am happy for her. But in a distant distant sort of way.

Shoot. "Hao Xin Fen Shou" is playing on 933 now. This song always gets me damn emotional.

I've started paying up for my housing loan. Small amounts of less than $50 per month. But that's cos we are on a progressive payment scheme. You pay for whatever amount of work has been completed. It will escalate in a hugely exponential rate till the figure hits about $1.5K per month. Of cos split between us two. It sure didn't feel good when I went from being debt free to having a $300K loan plastered to my back. But when I think of my flat. And it being built bit by bit, stone by stone, pillar by pillar right now...Man, I tink it's worth it. To have an abode I could call my own. That's one of my dreams. And to know that it's in the process of being fulfilled. It just brings a sweet tingle to the heart.

It's almost 1am. The body is tired but the mind is not. Am surfing job sites now. And some other banking sites. I must have left my resumes with more than a dozen companies or HR . Nah, make that close to 2 dozen? Oh well. Patience will be rewarded. Seeds sown cannot be reaped immediately. But damn, why aren't the banks recruiting marketing people???

Realised I am just typing away. Go with the flow. What comes to mind, I'll just pop it down. Haha. I am starting to sound like Kel. How many times have I actually done a go with the flow thing? I think half the time. The other half of the time, my head rules. The head with its scaredy-cat attitude. Risk averse. "No go, what if this and that happens? Better not take the risk." Sometimes wish I could be more free-flow. Ah, pros and cons perhaps. 2 sides to a coin. 2 sides to a fence.

I've got a Karaoke session tomorrow night. Not sure how much I will enjoy the session cos it's a weekday. But oh well...PartyWorld, here I come. Only bummer is that I have a meeting at Redhill at 4pm so I probably need to catch a cab down. Bleah.

Ok, I am finally getting tired. Time to hit the sack I guess.
Time out.
Signing off.

Shell