One of those days....

One of those days where I feel a little deflated, and wondering what am I doing at work, whether I'm doing things right, whether I'm doing ok as a team head, whether I'm growing at all and helping my team to grow and develop, and whether I'm doing things as I should be...

One of those days where I feel like I'm flapping around rather than "winging it". 

One of those days where I'd rather be taking orders 100% than making decisions here and there. 

One of those days where I wonder if I had any gumption at all. 

One of those days....

~I love it when you call me senorita!~

The girls came home yesterday evening and were getting ready for their shower. Both started singing.

Alyssa: ~I love it when you call me senorita! Na na na na...It's true la-la-la..!!~

Nadya: ~They say ...na na na...I see the way you shine!...na na na...dance for me dance for me dance for me oh oh oh....move for me move for me move for me eh eh eh-eh!~

When I was 6 or 8, I think the songs in my head were mainly Tom Jones or Engelbert Humperdinck or at the most Michael Jackson or whatever oldies were playing on the radio at that point in time...

Now my kids are singing "Senorita" by Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello, and "Dance Monkey" by Tones & I.

Lol...

Time flies.

I miss their chubbiness. Their chubby faces, chubby arms and legs, chubby fingers, chubby backsides, chubby everything!

I miss the times when I can easily carry them from room to room or from place to place. When they were so small they could fit into the nook of my arms or rest comfortably on my tummy. 

I miss the times Nadya would fall asleep on my chest and tummy for her weekend afternoon naps.

I miss the days when I still had to put them into a high chair to they could eat comfortably at a dining table. 

I miss the days when the blankets covered them easily from neck to toe. 

I miss the days when a simple trip downstairs or to the playground would be enough to keep them occupied and be happy. 

I miss the days when both of them would knock out in the afternoons for their nap. 

I miss the tiny pattering of feet around the house. 

I'm holding thin hands and fingers and hugging thin frames now. 

I can only barely carry Alyssa now and trying to carry Nadya is out of the question. 

Only Alyssa sometimes wants to lie on my thigh for awhile now, just before she goes to sleep for the night. 

Both girls are in their own chairs now and wielding their own forks and spoons. Nadya uses her chopsticks pretty well now too. 

While Nadya still uses the same blankets she's been using since she was a baby, they barely cover her now and her feet always stick out lol. She refuses to stop using them. 

Books, chats, craft sessions, and more are needed to keep them occupied now. 

Only Alyssa still naps now but that'll be a thing of the past when she goes into P1 next year and starts getting used to the primary school + student care routines. 

I only hear loud shrieks and loud (heavier steps) around the house now haha...

But yes, while I miss those days when they were still young and oh so cute...But I do treasure the times now too...for who knows...they may not even want to hang out with their parents in a couple of years from now...

keep going.

You grew up in a certain way. You were brought up in a certain way. 

Some of these certain ways did not leave positive marks on your life and on yourself. 

You tell yourself not to do it when you become a parent yourself. 

You try and you remind yourself. 

But sometimes, certain things are so ingrained in you.

You don't even realise you're doing it until you've done it. 

You get discouraged and feel guilty. You wonder if you're any good at this parenting stuff. 

You try again. You fall again. You try again. 

And sometimes you fall again. Self-doubt creeps in as well. 

Just. 

Keep going. 

Bits & Pieces

Bossa Nova jazz accompanies me at work on this cold cold morning.
Streaming it from a 24/7 Youtube channel called "Cafe Music BGM channel". Been listening to their channel for 2 weeks now. Pretty good. 

And...it's Youth Day today! A small part of me still feels young and impressionable. So.....I can still celebrate it right? ;p And this will include snacking on Frosties this afternoon ;p

Will try to start doing arm dips?...K (and online sources) said they're good for all 3 parts of the triceps...
Lapsed on the squats so I should get those going again too...lol...

Learning Korean online is going pretty well. A little slow-going at times, especially when work and kids take up alot of time, but I think I'm doing good enough. I can read and write some basic words and I think I can write simple words based on how they sound phonetically too. Will keep going on this! 

Jiayou to me for today will be a day dedicated to planning, policy review and some policy research work. Oh, and maybe some workplanning & target setting work as well. 

Fighting!