exigencies of service

A favourite phrase of the public service. Or in Singapore's context maybe it's a commonplace term in both public and private sectors. 

My break so far...doesn't feel like it's fully a break. 

Due to one big pending case at work. I've been logging in everyday to settle stuff relating to it. 

And also had 2 concalls with my counsel and overseas partner. 

There are timelines to keep and remember. Right now, it's 28 December and 30 December. 

I need to send out email notifications on these 2 days. 

A little xian. You're trying to chill but at the back of your mind there're these 2 deadlines (and related stuff) hovering around in there. 

Today is Xmas Eve

Not a good time to "stomach spoil".
Stomach wasn't doing well yesterday afternoon.
Somehow ended up at Hawkerman for dinner yesterday evening. Felt obligated as there was another family around and I didn't want to drag them to eat plain soupy stuff with me.

Ordered chicken aglio olio. Bad choice. Was too oily.
Maybe I should have ordered rice with roast chicken.

Anyway, LS one last night and once this morning. Tummy was quite bleah last night...still quite queasy this morning with low appetite... Some nausea as well....

Pumped myself with probiotics last night and this morning.
Fingers crossed I'll feel better this evening.

There's still the annual Xmas thingy at my uncle's this evening and the annual Xmas luncheon at Adrian's place tomorrow.

Ganbatte....
肚子，加油！争气！

19 December 2019

Today is officially the last work day for me for the year...

By right.

By left.......

Due to some pending dispute cases, one is with the courts, one is with the SMC....
I still have some work to be done next week even though I'll be on leave.

Jiayou Michelle.....

Want to do.....

Would like to try watercolour painting again...

Hope I find some time to try it out. My tiny experiments last year yielded pretty ok results...:)
I should start it again...

===============
On a quest to clean up the house.
Bit by bit. Area by area.
Hopefully, with the helper's cooperation.
And some common sense and commitment from her as well.

Cleared out and packed up a drawer yesterday afternoon.
And ended up with one red bump on my left cheek.
It was a hive bump.
Smaller than a 5-cent coin though.
My face was itchy in the evening.
My eyes too.

Hope future cleaning sessions won't bring me more itchiness.
Maybe I should wear a mask when I clean.

===============
daydreaming...
been a long time since I did that...
hmm, can't remember when was the last time....years?

Quote of the Day

Own your decisions and own yourself without apology.

~ Anna Wintour

Weight

Laoniang was back to 45.6kg this morning.
Laoniang is happy.
Laoniang wants to put on abit more weight.

老朋友，好朋友

Had a meet-up with PQ & Ally on Sat afternoon. Been a long long time since I saw them. One year for Ally, and maybe 10 months for PQ....

We were at the Coastal Settlement. The rain made things a little leychey but it was still a nice catch-up. The truffle fries were really good! They were still crispy even after an hour or two of sitting on the table. Wonder how they prepared it haha.

Went home with alot of goodies and xmas pressies for both myself and the girls haha....K was whining a little "How come I don't get anything?" haha...

You know...it's a warm fuzzy feeling. You might not meet them often enough with kids, work, homes and families to look after. But you know that these ladies have your back and you can count on them when you falter...And....It's ok to be fully yourself with them. No masks nothing.

============
We talked about bullying in primary school since both Darius and Kyer are in primary school already. We talked about families. We talked about pets. We touched on work. We also talked about us receiving the Careshield notification letter (ex-Eldershield) next year.

Amongst other things.

LOL....omg lah....see how much our conversations have changed over the years...:D

Pandan Caramel

Laoniang just discovered a bread from Gardenia - Pandan Caramel bread.

I don't know if it's really new or not but I only just discovered its existence.

I asked K to get some to try. Wah nice leh! The girls like it too. Alyssa likes that it's green in colour haha....

This will my new go to snack bread....in place of the usual Raisin Loaf from Gardenia. :)

Progression, Regression

3 steps forward, 2 steps back
2 steps forward, 3 steps back

Sometimes it feels difficult to keep going
Sometimes it feels like you try and you try
And you do take steps forward
Only to have a big wave or a misstep
Bring you back a couple of steps

Must learn to let go
Must learn to 看开
Must learn to take things easier
Yes, I've heard it many times

Push on
Carry on
Jiayou Michelle...

6 Dec: River Safari day!

Managed to ballot for the corporate passes and so I took leave that day. We brought the girls there and I found it quite enjoyable. There's more or less only one path to follow through the whole park and it's all sheltered.

I was concerned that I'd be tired out from the heat but the sheltered walkways were really shady. I was glad for it.

I enjoyed the animal show and appreciated the interactive time after the show where we were allowed to feed and pet the capybaras, pet the huge orange iguana and take pictures with the pelicans.

I was surprised and proud at the same time when both girls didn't flinch or bat an eyelid and fed/petted the capybaras! I mean, the capybara was huge and perched on a stand. It was at least the girls' heights and it's body was definitely bigger than them haha. 

Nadya got a little icky with the iguana though haha. She was afraid it would be slimy to the touch.

The highlight for me was the red panda exhibit. Damn cute. There were 2 of them and they were languid and were mainly snoozing when we saw them. I loved their tails though. So bushy. :) They look like more fashionable bandits compared to raccoons haha.

They was housed next to the panda exhibit but we only saw one of the pandas there. I think it was Kai Kai who was there that day. We were glad to have seen it...the girls were in awe. :)  Something they'd only seen in videos or read about in books actually "came to life!" and was chewing bamboo in front of them haha.

Will I go back to visit again? Perhaps...but not in the next couple of years maybe...

You can do this!!

Been a tiring couple of days.
Full day meetings, activities, conference calls during lunch and other discussions during tea-breaks.
Feeling a little zapped out.

Jiayou Michelle!! Ganbatte!!!

Weight

I've breached 45... I was 44.8kg this morning.
Sigh, another few days of tummy not feeling well and my weight goes down again. Putting it back on seems quite difficult.

How to put back 2-3kg without binging, milk, or too much fried foods?
Maybe I should eat more carbo than proteins...?

Craft

At times like these, I smack myself for attempting to make stuff...even when timelines are coming up...and when I don't really have the domain knowledge on how to make those things....

*facepalm*

Nvm nvm...jiayou jiayou!!!

Indian Borage

Finally spent 30-40mins yesterday trimming my jungle of an Indian Borage.
I'd left it to grow freely for almost a year I think...and boy did it grow.

I fertilised it about 2 months back and coupled with recent rainy days (read: natural happy minerals for the plant), the plant thrived and grew. Quite abit. It was getting a little unruly and so...*snip snip*

Trimmed off at least 7-8 branches which were getting too long, tall and scraggly. I shaved off so many big and healthy leaves from the cuttings too...at least 1/2 an NTUC plastic bag. The whole balcony and living room smelt like the herb. My fingers too. Felt a little wasteful for throwing all the leaves away but I don't dare to use them to make tea (which is supposedly very good to heal coughs) or to cook. (Apaprently it's also known as Mexican Mint and can be used as a substitute for Oregano...my colleague uses it in pasta sometimes)

The plant was actually really healthy and robust. Well actually the pot contained 4 separate plants propagated from 4 separate cuttings last year.

After all the trimming, I stuck 5 cuttings into a new pot (yes I'm starting a new pot of Indian Borage) and gave another 2 really nice and healthy cuttings to a colleague.

There are still 1-2 more branches that might need to be trimmed off but I'll hold off for awhile first.

And so....the unruly jungle is now a neater smaller forest...:)

Aiyoh........

Was on PM leave yesterday to attend Alyssa's PTC in school.
Went home and finally managed to trim the Indian borage.

Took a nap thereafter....and when I was still in the last hazy dazy moments of my sleep and about to get up from my nap...I heard a sudden gush of water from my washroom...

*pop* *BISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

???!!! simisai???!!!

I quickly got up to check. And...omg...the cupboard below my sink was SPEWING WATER.
Water was starting to pool on the floor below the cupboard too. Quickly called for K to come...and we discovered that a pipe below the sink had burst.

Everything in the cupboard (mainly extra toiletries and some craft stuff) was wet. We were stunned haha.

Plumber's supposed to come in this afternoon to see what needs to be done.

I hope nothing too major...I hope it'll just be a simple replacement of the pipe (which seemed to have rusted and corroded).

Just mighty glad that we were around when it happened and we could clean up the mess quickly. At least the water wasn't left to seep into the cupboard woodwork. If the wood had become waterlogged, I think we would have a bigger headache.

Quite glad too that I had previously lined the cupboard base with 2 layers of plastic....that helped keep some water off the wood too.

Oh ya, and I'm very glad that it's just clean water that was spewing out...and not sewage or dirty water....lol...

Last year at this time...our room curtain got fried by the dry-cleaners and we had to spend a couple of hundred getting a replacement set....This year it's the sink pipe...aiyoh....

Walk on

And we have stepped into December
The last month of the year

This year has whizzed by really quickly
At times, things feel like they've slowed to a crawl
But in reality, time just keeps zipping by

Don't be shy or afraid to let your loved ones know you love and care for them...

Walk on Michelle
With hope in your heart

What is Love?

Jotting down. For posterity....

I asked Nadya the other day...."Sayang, what is love?"
She seemed a little confused and didn't know where to start, given that love is such an abstract intangible thing (feeling? emotion? adjective? verb?)......

After some encouragement, this was what she said....

"Love is....

Being kind and nice
You can see and smell love
It smells like flowers and roses and nice trees

You can eat love too
When you eat love
Then you become very kind

Love looks like God
And also looks like a heart-shaped bubble

Love is Mama, Dada and Mei Mei"


*heart melt*

Jiayou

When you are trying to settle work...

...and others come to ask you for help or to check stuff with you (in person, via whatsapp or skype)
...and family stuff comes up as well through whatsapp
...and your boss pops up at your cubicle in person
...and your legal counsel swings by in person as well wanting to discuss stuff
...and another legal counsel whatsapps you to discuss other issues

Aiyoh...

It's only 1030am...

*breathe*

Nadya's P1 Books

Last night, I went through the big bag of school textbooks and materials and stationery that we got for her from the school 2 weeks ago. I wanted to get acquainted and be familiar with the books so I know how to pack/check her bag next time. Also wanted to see how I could fit her books into the bookshelves we have.

I was quite surprised at the stuff in the bag....Gosh...

• Music lesson got textbook one meh??! - that was my first reaction. I flipped through and rolled my eyes a little. At P1 they want the kids to learn about "forte" and "pianissimo"? Erm...zun bo??!! I only knew of these terms when I did "Appreciation of Classical Music" in my uni Year 2!

• PE lesson got textbook one meh??! - that was my 2nd reaction. I didn't flip through the book though. Not sure what's inside. 

• Self-journal - I was curious and was impressed when I flipped through this book. It was colourful and engaging and it teaches kids on what words they could use to describe their emotions (using colours and other adjectives). It also touches on emotions, expressing oneself and self-management...I think this is pretty good! Laoniang like!

• Mathematics - I was wondering why the hell were there 2 textbooks but 4 workbooks! But it turned out that it was because there were many pictures and drawings in the math workbooks. So I guess they needed more pages for the workbooks. Not bad, the books were all very colourful and engaging! So cute...I don't remember having so many colourful "ang gong kia" in my books last time.

• English - there were no English textbooks or activity books in the bag. I distinctly remember having English textbooks and workbooks when I was in primary school....have things changed? English class don't need any books now?? Hmm....

• Chinese - OMG. Higher Chinese has 2 textbooks, 2 writing workbooks, 2 small reading books, and 2 other activity books. Overkill right?? 8 books for just ONE subject? On top of these...there's also 1 textbook and 1 activity book for Moral Education or 好公民. Ok, this moral education things is the same as when I was a kid I think. But then that makes it like 10 books all in Chinese. Oh yes...there's also a box filled to the brim with hanyu pinyin flash cards....

• Art - there's an A3 sized art folder, an A3-sized clear plastic file, a drawing block, an A4 sketch book (which I love by the way, was eyeing it for myself haha), a set of colour pencils, a set of crayons, and a set of 2B/4B/6B pencils (which I was eyeing too!!!). Sibei impressed. they need so much materials to teach a P1 kid art?? why need 2B/4B and 6B pencils? Don't tell me a P1 kid needs to learn sketching and shading and gradients??

• Miscellanous - There's a whiteboard marker and duster set. No idea what it will be used for. Hmm. There's also a pencil and rubber set, which I presume is just for the kid to do writing. And then there's a whole set of single-line exercise books, A4 sized jotter books (lined and non-lined), and squared exercise books for Chinese I think...and another peculiar exercise book which had small squares in its pages and bigger grids of 4 squares interspersed between the small squares. No idea what this exercise book could be used for. Hmm....

I took a brief look at the books and my first impression was that Nadya would have no issues with the Math and Chinese. Need to take a closer look though. 

Next steps:

- Take a closer look at the textbooks and workbooks

- Need to wrap all the books in their plastic jackets (Nadya promised to help)

Laobu

Mum's had a nagging pain in her right arm/shoulder for a few weeks.
She finally had an ultrasound done today....radiologist said there's a bad tear in one of the main tendons in the arm, which would take very long to heal.
She needs to undergo physiotherapy as well.

Sigh.

Not a good time to kena this. not when house moving, Xmas, Adrian's wedding and CNY are all coming up....

Jiayou Laobu....

Plants

Desert rose is showing signs of yellowing leaves, about 2 of the leaves. :(
Not sure if I'm over-watering or what.
Or if it's not getting enough sun?

Hope it gets well soon.

===============
Small ficus ginseng is still doing well. Growth has slowed a little compared to the initial 2-3 weeks but there are still fine shoot sprouting out. I hope these are new branches and not just leaves though.

Big ficus ginseng has sprouted, and is still sprouting new leaves. I hope it gets much more bushy before I transplant it to the new soil mix and in a new pot. I hope to use the square plastic bonsai pot I got from Shoppee! Not a bona fide bonsai enthusiast but a total noob at it so I'm just experimenting....

===============
The lone succulent I have is still surviving....barely though...it was still standing tall 2 months ago.
It's gone a little floppy now and looks like it's keeled over.

Don't know what to do with it. Succulents are supposed to be easy but I've never had much luck with them. I always end up killing them. Don't know why!

===============
Have not had the chance to trim the Indian Borage. It's becoming a huge ass forest sprouting out from a small pot. I need to cut it and transplant/replant it again!!

Judging by the number of branches and sub-branches I have in the existing pot now, I might be able to get many cuttings. And I might be able to make up to 2 or 3 pots of Indian Borage eventually!

hmm

saw the gynae for irregularities in my cycles.
put on hormone pills.
21 days worth of 2 pills a day.
not starting it yet.
wanna hang on first.
side effects: headaches, nausea and breast tenderness.
sigh.

Reminder to Self

Breathe
Take it easy
One at a time
One thing at a time

Plants

The small ficus ginseng is doing good. New shoots coming out. New leaves too. 

The bonsai FIL gave is doing good too. After a recent bout of shedding some yellow leaves (which alarmed me actually. Thought the plant was going kaput under my care), the plant's sprouting new leave and new flower buds and new shoots too. I saw some dead branches in the pads but am wondering if an amateur like me should prune them off. I saw one new growth too...that didn't seem like a branch or a flower bud or a leaf...It looked like a seed pod and I'm excited. I hope it is! Then we can grow more new plants out of it hopefully....

Big ficus ginseng is doing so-so. It shed all its leaves. Not sure why...but recently started sprouting new leaves. It still looks extremely bare and bald though and I'm wondering if I should trim down some branches. Looking too scraggly. Need to repot it soon too. 

The desert rose that FIL gave to me is doing pretty ok too. Developing some nice and interesting roots from the base of the trunk. Hopefully it develops into a nice "nebari" system. Right now the nebari is still quite loose and weak. 

Time...I need time and patience to care for these fellas....

I'm hoping to create a bonsai out of asparagus fern. Really love these ferns..

And I'm hoping to make a kokedama too...need to get materials though...

And I need to trim, and repropagate the Indian borage...K said there were some strange looking mites/insects in the soil....eewwww...

Time time...I need time...to do all these...

Yes

In recent months.
Many targets that I've set.
Many goals that I've set.

In recent weeks.
Some I've reached.
Some I've conquered.

Sometimes with difficulty.
Sometimes with slightly more ease.

More targets to come.
More to conquer.

There remains one big challenge in the coming weeks.
That I'm psyching up for.

Yes, you do do this Michelle.
Yes, you can.

Ganbatte
Hae suiss-da

I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.

Yes, I can!

Laoniang Did It!

Spent the last 3 days (Mon to Wed) at the Civil Service College in Buona Vista.
It was.... 3. Whole. Intensive. Days. Of.

Basic Principles of Data Analytics.

Most courses are quite relaxed where you need to only be on 60-70% brain operating capacity.

This course was quite taxing and intensive. Fully interactive. I was on guard and fully engaged 99% of the time because once you lose concentration, you'll miss what the trainer said and you'll miss taking down notes. I felt like I was back in uni taking lecture notes. Lots of hands-on, lots of notes-taking, lots of arrows by the trainer to answer questions, lots of project and group work.

The first day was pretty stressful due to the new environment, adjustment to the trainer and the setting, and getting thrown questions which I struggled to answer sometimes. Went home with a tight chest on Monday evening. The next 2 days were more manageable. But I felt quite tired out at the end of each day.

I woke in the middle of the night on Tues night and I somehow remember that these words were swirling in my head...standard deviation, scatterplot, boxplot, mean, median, mode, variance, skewness, pivot table, interquartile range, hypothesis, upper whisker, lower whisker, ................

zzz... simisai.

Laoniang barely passed Statistics in my uni Year 1. In fast, Stats brought me my first ever D in my entire schooling life. I swore off stats back then and even chose to do In-depth-Interviews instead for the data collection portion of my Final Year Project...

20 years later.....and I'm going through a crash course on it now. Sorry, not "going". "Went" through a crash course on it haha.

Nevertheless I'm proud I went through the 3 days, despite the uncertainty and anxiety, especially on the first day. I didn't drop out.

And I'm very grateful, and blessed too, that by some strange stroke of luck, my boss, KH and Vicky all happened to be in the course as well. None of us planned for it and it just happened to be this way. Was very glad that they were around, at least I could sit with them and not have to face added stress of sitting with strangers and doing group work with them.

Yeah, another personal challenge settled.

Nadya 要上小学了

Brought Nadya to Tao Nan yesterday afternoon. It was an admin day, with form-filling stuff to settle, books to buy and uniforms to get.

She was a little overwhelmed in the beginning I think. Suddenly in a big compound with buildings all around her. Suddenly being dragged by us to the canteen to buy uniforms. And then we had her try the uniforms on to get the correct size....She had a dazed look on her.

And then we had to bring her to another area to grab her books...I decided not to let her join in the queue for the books. She seemed happier waiting with me outside the bookstore area and eating her bun. K settled the books.

We had to go to the school hall thereafter to fill forms and listen to a briefing. By then, we had met up with our friends and their daughter, who is Nadya's classmate. She seemed more comfy at the point...

Time flies...she's entering P1 soon...
Our Little Baby...长大了.....

Of clearing things and that little journal from back in the day....

With my parents impending shift to Adrian's place in end Nov, I'm also facing pressure to clear out whatever remaining stuff I have left in the Tampines flat. Which is actually alot....basically the entire storage space below my old bed and 1/2 of a cupboard.

I don't need this extra stress. Sigh.

2 Saturdays ago, I brought home one big bag of stuff that's now just sitting in a corner of my master bedroom. No idea what to do with it cos I have a small house and there is just no friggin space to store the stuff I have.

Anyway......

While clearing my old stuff at the Tampines flat on the Sat night just past, I threw out some things...and.......also came across my journal from 20 years back.

There were not alot of entries in it. First entry was in year 2000 and last one was in year 2006. I sometimes wrote a few entries a year and sometimes it was just once a year. The diary's made of acid-free paper so it's still as good as new. The only thing is that the cloth binding and white ribbon that came with the diary...has yellowed.

After putting the girls to sleep on Saturday night, I spent some time reading through the journal.

Brought back some memories, both good and bad. Also reminded me of some stuff and people that I'd completely forgotten.

It's also amazing though, that some questions I asked myself 20 years ago...are still relevant today and in the last few years and especially this year, I've asked myself the same questions too. So strange, that the 20-yr-old me and the 40-yr-old me...is still asking the same question. :)

Some of those journal entries, are also testament to the fact that, people come and people go. Some leave an indelible mark on your life, some leave nary a trace to the extent that you'd forget about them over time. Others, who may have been an important part of your life at some point in time, somehow mysteriously disappear thereafter, leaving you wondering what happened, and whether age and time had something to do with it.

The insecurities I wrote about when I was 20, 21, 22, 23...some are still present, though to a much lesser degree...and I don't dwell on them now. They only surface from time to time...

I wrote about some significant milestones along these years. I wrote about my doubts and worries. I wrote about crushes I had which had me grinning actually. :p I wrote about frustrations...and I wrote about my hopes and goals...and I think based on the various entries I wrote, I've learned over the years that I should trust my gut feel....

Hmm...

After a 13-year hiatus, I might pen something in there again. Just need to find the right time and right place and right space...Who knows...I might do a summary of the key events over the last 13 years...

Uniball - laoniang like

I'm back to drawing, doodling and zentangling (or whatever you call it) these days.

I started out with the Sakura Sigma Micro pens a couple of years back. They were expensive but good to use for very fine lines and smaller details. I still have with me some 0.2mm pens, some in 0.3mm and I think a 0.5mm as well.

I wasn't that used to those pens to be honest. I've always liked broad pens. Used to call them "fat" pens till I finally learned the correct term is "broad" haha.

I'm using the Uniball Signo Broad UM153 1.0mm pen these days. I use the ones in black ink and black-blue ink. The black-blue ink is really nice. I've got one in white as well and am using it for corrections. This pen's much much broader with a 1.0mm nib and it gives a smooth, full finish to each stroke. The only thing is that being a 1.0mm, the ink runs out pretty fast. Luckily, this is a cheaper pen, easier to buy in retail stores and ink refills are easier to find as well.

I just finished a black one and the black-blue one I use at home is almost finished as well.
I think I need to run to Evergreen to stock up on ink refills soon.....

To more drawings!

of drawings and a little girl

Nadya recently saw me drawing and practising some Zentangle diagrams. She liked some of the patterns and designs and asked me to teach her.

So each night for the last few nights, she has come to me with a pencil and paper and said "Mama I want to draw. I want Mama to teach me..."

Quite happy that she likes drawing...:)

I started out showing her some simple designs and last night I showed her a more complicated pattern. She was able to follow it with some help...she also customised some of the stuff that I showed her with her own designs...which impressed me! I didn't say anything and she just went ahead with her own patterns...:)

Maybe I should refresh and relearn my repertoire of Zentangle patterns and teach her some of the more complicated ones...

This little girl seems to enjoy the arty stuff that her Mama likes haha....
Wonder if she will like plants...and terrariums and....bonsai?

Of pots and plants

Built my first ever pot of bonsai on my birthday! I'd prepared the soil mix a week or two earlier and on 17 Oct, I transplanted my smaller ficus ginseng plant into a green ceramic pot and filled it with the bonsai soil mix I created.

Glad to update that many new leaves and shoots are sprouting up and the plant seems to be doing pretty well. :)

Hope it grows better in time to come!

===============
The seeds I planted on 4 Oct never germinated though the packet indicated a period of 2-3 weeks before they would germinate.

Xian half. Now I'm considering germinating my pomegranate seeds or my pear seeds. Hope these work out well!!!

===============
I'm intending to transplant my bigger ficus ginseng plant into a new pot with a semi-bonsai soil mix that I prepared last night.

My soil mix for this one:
5 parts - potting soil
5 parts - organic compost
2/3 parts - perlite
2/3  parts - volcanic soil
<1 -="" p="" part="" sand="">
Made this mix around 60-70% organic because the plant isn't doing too well and seems to be quite botak. Hoping the mix will help to spur some new growth. and encourage more aerial roots to pop out.

Now what's left is for me to transplant.....see if I can find the chance to do it. 

Ola

Past 2-3 weeks has been a blur and a mish mash of work, managing self (and tummy), caring for the kids and attending their drama days and concerts, and dealing with their homework, and running errands, and trying to settle xmas stuff, and......

Some things that stood out.

Last year of my 30s - 17 Oct 2019 (Thurs)
I'm 39 already. I'm not quite ready to get out of my 30s...but somehow I'm already at this point. In fact, KH is turning  40 in December and Ally & PQ are turning 40 in Jan! It was a nice day. K and I had lunch at a yummy Jap restaurant. It was a pity I couldn't stuff myself more....the potato salad and soba noodles at the buffet bar were really nice....we went home thereafter and I busied myself with building my first ever pot of bonsai.

Nadya's Year-end Graduation Concert - 26 Oct 2019 (Sat)
I teared up seeing her on stage, walking up to the principal to collect her certificate in her small graduation gown and mortarboard. And I wondered how I would feel in the future if and when she graduates from uni.

I was mighty proud of her too when she did her dance performance. And I was very proud when she did her emcee role well, in both English and Mandarin. She was composed, kept her head up, kept her voice calm and steady and didn't rush through her script at all.

Well done sweetie! Mama is so so proud of you!!

Solo - 31 Oct 2019 (Thurs)
It was a day I challenged myself and spent half a day outside on my own. From breakfast at SingPost Centre, to taking the train down to Bugis Junction, to spending 3hours there running errands and buying Xmas presents, and then having lunch in a restaurant by myself.

It got overwhelming at one point and I had to text K. But I was glad I went through with things and didn't chicken out. I hope to do this again....

Bday surprise

Just had a mini surprise birthday celebration in office...:) So nice of the team...

I'm blessed...!

Gardening Stuff

Sowed some seeds on 4 October...8 of them actually.
It's of a plant whose name I've forgotten. Need to check it up again. It was a long (almost scientific) name...:D

They're supposed to germinate in 2-3 weeks...fingers crossed that seedlings will sprout!

===============
FIL gave me a pot of bonsai a week ago. He also gave me a small pot carrying 1 desert rose baby plant. Bigger than a sapling but not as big as a full-sized plant yet....

Hope these 2 pots hold out well on my balcony!!

===============
I've a small ficus ginseng that I'm intending to make my first bonsai with. Noob attempt.

For my bonsai soil mix, I used the following and I hope it'll work for me....

5 scoops - akadama and kanuma soil mixture
5 scoops - organic compost
4 scoops - volcanic soil
3 scoops - sand
3 scoops - perlite
2 scoops - potting soil (about 1/3 of this was coco coir)

I've mixed the soil already and prepared my pot. All that's left now is to remove the plant from the pot it came in...clean its root ball, maybe trim some roots if needed, and then transplant it into the ceramic pot I prepared....

Will find time for it this Thursday when I'm on leave...

For Posterity

KH came by my cubicle to pass me my birthday gift...and she wrote a message to me too...
She gives me too much credit though. I am improving also because of the support, encouragement, patience and strength given to me by friends and loved ones. It doesn't matter whether they are there physically with me or not...sometimes love and support can be virtual and equally as effective.


Dearest Mich,

Happy birthday! Just wanna give you a pat on the back. You have been through alot over the past year and you have done well over the past few months. I know it is not easy and I am amazed and encouraged by the amount of strength and courage you have mustered to help yourself get into a better position. Not everyone can do it. Am proud of you!  You have taken baby steps so I hope to see you taking toddler steps yah? We still need to make our next date come true ok :)

Hope you like the gifts and find them handy and useful in your daily life!

Big Hugs!

Love,
KH

Porcupine Mama

Last Saturday afternoon. I was lying on my bed and Alyssa came by. She tried hugging my legs...
I had not shaved and erm...had stubble.

A: Mama! Your legs are spiky! You are a porcupine! You have spiky legs!

And she started touching my legs several times. Giggling louder and louder each time...lol...

-_-''

Fengshui??

I honestly think that the fengshui for my team's area in the office is not good. Ever since the office was renovated and we had our team's layout changed in July/August last year...different people have been down.

Mas has been hospitalised at least 3 times since then.
I was on hospital leave in Jan and have been diagnosed with some stuff.
LH has been falling sick so often her nose is perpetually stuffed.
ST has had a rough time with her IVF journey and is now recuperating from an abortion.
DC has been struggling with bad acne since early this year. He's never had acne, even in his teens.
EC has been on MC on and off as well.
MW is a new hire and only joined in Mar but he's been sick a couple of times as well.
And now....our boss....is in hospital.

We've been sending out at least one Get Well Soon hamper each week for the last 3 weeks.
Gosh........and these are only allowed to be sent out for those on hospital leave.

What's going on..........

This.

Tired.
from trying. everyday.

Hurt.
from being sensitive. from expecting.

Tears.
noun. not verb.

Fall.
verb. not noun.

Bounce.
pick yourself up. again.

Lonely.
who really gets it. hardly.

Battle.
noun. and verb.

Walk.
on. but where.

Hope.
sliver. where from.

Little Baby

Broke my heart last night to see Nadya crying so badly.
She was quite upset. One of those issues with friends. She said some girls in her class didn't want to play with her. Also mentioned that one of them was rude and bossy to her.

It has happened several times before but last night she sounded particularly sad and hurt. And the way she was crying while relating her sorrows to me....sigh...it made me just want to cuddle her and protect her and let her know that she's loved, she's wanted and she's beautiful.

She's been more vulnerable, sensitive, and tired recently...I hope she's ok....

Daddy

Feeling quite bad. Sigh.
Been busy with things recently...work has little bits and pieces of things piling up as well.

I actually forgot that Dad has a cataract op today.
Till my Mum texted to update that he was in the OT already....

Argh....:(
Dad, you will have a smooth procedure ya....Love you...Hugs....


Update:
Dad went into the OT at 120pm and came out at 2pm. Seems that the procedure was very fast and painless. Good for him! He said he only saw colourful lights and then shortly after that the doc said the procedure was completed already. He still needs to go back to the hospital tomorrow afternoon though, for the doc to follow-up and check if the eye is doing well.

:(

ST just updated L and myself....
Foetus is not viable and pregnancy needs to be terminated. She'll go for the abortion next Wed 9 Oct...

I was crying...I updated Mas...now both L and Mas are crying in office.

I don't know how to comfort ST...

It's heartbreaking and unfortunate...
After 6 months of trials and tribulations during her IVF treatments...she finally got a successful one....and this has to happen....
The embryo somehow stopped growing 2 weeks ago when she was in her 5th or 6th week. There was still heartbeat activity at that point...but today's scan detected nothing and still no growth...

ST is a good person. Nice and good person. She really deserves to be happy...
Fate. Is this fate?

October

It's already October.

It's paradoxical.
So much has happened. Especially in the last 9 months. I worked hard and had achievements and improvements but yet at times, it feels like I didn't do or achieve much.

Maybe it feels this way because I started from a point behind where I was originally at a year back....so even after working hard and working on myself, it's only gotten me almost back to where I was at a year back. There is still more to be done...more fighting and working hard to improve and better myself...

I get tired sometimes and a little dejected as well. But I need to remind myself...despite the tiredness and challenges, I did take steps forward, I did get small wins, I did improve, I did get better, I did progress, and I did keep walking.....

Small wins maketh big wins. Trudge on Michelle.
You can do it!

It's paradoxical.
Time seemed to pass by so fast this year....and yet at other times, it felt like time dragged its feet and took its own time to go by...

There were times when I broke the day down into hours...I survived taking each hour as a small milestone just to get through one working day. I'm glad I've moved on from those days.

..........   .........  .....

This. This is the new norm.

Conversations with a 4yr-old

Alyssa said this to K on Saturday morning...

"Dada, you have a big head but you have a small brain."

K and I were so surprised!
Whereever did she learn that from? haha....

=================
And then later, on the same Saturday....we were on our way home.
It was 1pm already and she was losing energy and ready to nap. She was cranky too.

She asked me to carry er after we got out of the car. While doing so, she knee-ed me in the crotch and I kinda howled in pain and surprise.

She scowled and rolled her eyes at me and then announced....

"Small thing also fuss."

(-_-)''

Dio suan by a 4yr-old.....

Confidence

Feeling like you're not performing well enough.
Feeling like you're not good enough.
Feeling sub-standard. 
Feeling sub-par.
Feeling...

The older I get, the less confident I become.
Where's the bravado of my 20s?
(Or was it foolhardiness?)
Where's the determination of my early 30s?
I'm hitting 40 and I feel....tired.

There are days when I feel like almost like a superhero...a superhero octopus...managing several things at once.

There are other days when I feel I am dropping things here and there...balls spilling over my arms...rolling away....

Jiayou Michelle
You can do this
I can do this
Hae suiss-da
Hae suiss-da
Hae suiss-da

Coping

I told ST this...

"stay strong, don't give up....just take each day as it comes...get through each day or each half a day ...take it as little milestones that you have achieved...makes it more manageable...."

After I sent her this Skype message...i suddenly realised....
What I told her...was what I told (and sometimes still tell) myself too...

random musings

A guy who left the organisation 8 years ago was the same designation as me. Spent 8 years outside...and now came back to the organisation 2 grades higher than me...

Hmmm...

===============
A guy left the team. He was a grade higher than me.
The next most experienced guy in his team is covering his role now....
This new guy suddenly went from a rank below me....to covering a role that's a rank above me....

===============
Laoniang has spent 12 years in this place.
And will probably be spending another 10 years more.....

Doodle haiku

It has been awhile
Since Pen touched Paper and then
The following came


2nd photo is one of a single unbroken line

Sigh...

ST went for her scan this afternoon. And she updated me with not so good news.

The foetus didn't seem to have grown since the previous scan 2 weeks ago though there is still heartbeat activity. Doc told her that if by next week's scan there is still no growth, they will need to sit down and decide what to do....

Not sure if the doc spelled it out to her clearly what this means or not. But if there's no growth or development, I believe they would need to abort the foetus...

I really wish things would turn out right for her...this whole journey of trying for a baby via IVF has been emotionally challenging and very difficult. Many ups and downs. I feel so much for her but can't do anything also...except to say some encouraging words...

She went silent on Whatsapp already. Her last text was "Very sad....helpless".

Hugs gal...I hope everything turns out alright in the end...and baby will pull through...

猫不在, 老鼠们出来跳舞咯!

Quand le chat ne pas la, les souris dansent

This is the one and only French idiom that has stuck in my mind since I stopped learning French almost 10 years ago.

It means....when the cat's not around, the mice (come out to) dance!

The boss is away today, tomorrow and Friday.

The Coll came in at 9-plus and had a 2-hour lunch today.

TSK.

*wags fingers*

;p

Parenting

I made Nadya cry this morning

To be fair, she wasn’t entirely at fault 

K made Alyssa cry big time this morning as well

I hate to start my days like this
Because sometimes it affects me quite alot
And I get moody and emotional
Like today

It's a thin line?
Teaching and guiding based on fear
Versus a more nuanced approach based on love and care

Sometimes I think we are too harsh on them
After all we ourselves are trying our best to navigate this big world
What more those two little beings 

Positivity

I'm not a positive person by nature
It doesn't come naturally to me
So I try to remind myself often
To have a more positive mindset and outlook

It does take up my energy
With the self-reminders and
Being conscious of my own thoughts and feelings

Cheers to a better me
And cheers to better days

Walk on

I had around 3 good weeks. 

It was a long, good stretch. 

The best and longest stretch I've experienced since early this year. 

This week had a little dip. 

But it's still ok. 

Walk on. 

Keep it up Michelle. 

Keep going.

Keep working on it. 

Keep working on things.

At your own pace. 

You may be slow at times or backslide at times. 

But it's ok. 

So long as you are still moving forward on the whole. 

Compared to when you first started.

小领悟

自信和自大
只差一个字
但两个状态是有很大的不一样

没法对别人的行为有所控制
但至少要对自己的状态,情绪和理解拿捏得好
找个平衡出来

学华语

After watching 10 episodes of the Chinese dating show...I feel like my Mandarin has improved a little...

Maybe I should consider immersing myself in more Chinese stuff to improve my Mandarin haha....

heart flutter moments

Recently finished watched "Heart Signal 2", the Chinese version of a reality dating show which originated from Korea.

Laoniang is a sucker for such stuff...whether scripted or not.

2 particular scenes of a guy and a girl...which made me swoon and flutter hahaha...

Scene #1: 

A group of them celebrating a bday. This guy pulled one girl aside then gave her a present…She asked why he gave her a present when she’s not the bday girl…

He said “因为我不想看到别的女生有礼物收可是你没礼物收.”

Wah sibei melt....!!

Scene #2: 

The same guy said this to the same girl that he likes…when he confessed to her that he likes her a lot “这是我们相遇的第25天， 也是我想跟你告白的第24天.”

Wah sibei melt part 2!!!


haha....

reminder to self

There is a particular person in my team whom I admit I am somewhat biased against.

Reminding myself to remain objective when dealing with her. And also...to remain patient, to not let my biasedness taint the interaction I have with her. Because thoughts affect feelings which will affect behaviour.

Difficult...but I am learning...and working to improve myself.

Ganbatte!

Laoniang having slight sore throat liao...:(
Nose still a little stuffy and sneezed a couple of times this morning.

No biggie though. Mind over body!

*yuuuuuu*

Noob painter noob artist

Laoniang bought acrylic paints and some 15X15cm stretched canvas on frames recently.

They've since arrived.

Laoniang needs to find some 灵感 now on what to paint haha....

Hazy Dayz

The air is thick, heavy and smoky these past few days.
The weather in Singapore is humid. The haze is amplifying that humidity alot more.
I'm thankful to be in office, where the aircon keeps it a constant 25C and circulates the air somewhat.

My face and some other areas are starting to itch.
My eyes too.
My nose is itchy as well and getting a little stuffed.

I hope it rains soon.

Move

Trudge on
Walk on
Keep moving
Keep grinding

Hwaiting!

Gaja!

Let's get it!

You can do this!

I can do this!

We can do this!

Engrish...

Common errors that I've seen multiple times....even from bosses:

Using "respond" instead of "response"
E.g. This is in respond to what the agency mentioned.

Using "own" instead of "owe"
E.g. She did us a favour, we own her big time.


Irks me everything I see these errors....but I realised that it's really common...why ah?

Around the world we go

My line of work involves dealing with Internet-related stuff....and you know...the Internet is borderless...

And so today...aside from trying to concentrate on drafting up my Board paper, I was also trying to:

• Settle stuff with a Taiwanese based in Beijing (who holds a US green card), and he was relaying my info back to his team in Taipei
• Respond to questions from a German guy who's based in Taipei, and considers Singapore his second home since he comes here so often, and who has a Taiwanese wife from Taichung
• Work with a colleague who is in Johor Bahru now attending a conference
• Get clearance from my boss who is also in JB attending the same conference
• Seek clarifications from a Singaporean industry friend who is also in JB at the same conference
• Get assistance from my teammate who is now back in the Philippines for a visit to his family 

喜好喜欢

Laoniang 喜欢

1. Korean variety shows
2. Kdrama
3. Some K songs
4. Colouring 
5.  A little doodling 
6. A little painting 
7. A little crocheting 
8. A little gardening 
9. Terrariums 
10. 睡觉

Of drawings

Realised that the girls always draw these things....

Nadya
- girls or princesses
- unicorns
- rainbows
- sun
- cheetahs or other animals

Alyssa
- house (usually one big one)
- turtle
- chick
- sun
- people with happy or angry faces (depending on what situation they are in)


Last Sunday, Alyssa drew an elaborate drawing and it had an "environmental" theme to it. She drew a big house in the ocean, followed by a big turtle near the house. She  asked for my help to draw 2 sharks with open mouths, then she drew plastic bags in front of the sharks' mouths. She said they ate the plastic bags and died. She rubbed away the big eyes I drew for the sharks and put big Xs for their eyes instead.

She then said the turtle was alive and well because it did not eat the plastic bags. It had actually got tangled up the plastic bag but someone (don't know who) helped it and now the turtle was ok and staying near the house.

She also drew plants in the ocean and a big sun over everything.

I thought it was quite a meaningful picture and rather "cheem" and mature for a 4yr-old. I know she felt quite sad for turtles when her teacher taught them about global warming and about not throwing waste into the oceans. And she talks about it occasionally. But I didn't know the impression on her was so deep that it has lasted her till now...more than 6 months later...

Gifts

The girls are at an age where they sometimes (1) freely give away their things, or (2) barter trade their stuff with their friends. Nadya hardly does it though...which is good :)

The girls were playing with our neighbour's daughter last evening. And somewhere in the midst of all that, Alyssa gave her a small toy dog.

My jaw dropped when I saw what Alyssa did...but I couldn't say much since it was already given to the other girl.....

That toy.....was actually mine lor! It was a little plush doggy with a built-in clip. And it was given to me by my friend...who brought it all the way back from Japan...

Ok lah. As the adult, I shall be more magnanimous.....

Painting

Speaking of new hobby...Laoniang is recently into acrylic painting.

Started painting by numbers again and I’ve gotten like maybe 6 sets of 20X20cm canvas art with pre-pri ted designs on them. You just need to follow the numbers printed on the canvas, match it with the assigned palette colours and start painting.

I’m also going to try doing up my own paintings as well. I’ve ordered paints, new flat head brushes, 15x15cm stretched canvas pieces. Plus I’ve other 14x18cm canvas boards from Daiso from a long time back.

Looking forward to more fun painting!

===============
As with any new hobby, you read up and slowly start learning about the tools needed, the techniques used and the different terms used as well.

Never knew there was such a thing as Tempera paint but now I know.
Never knew too that people could paint with metal knives specially designed for art purposes.

Hope my creative juices (if any) can flow properly and I can make some swee swee art pieces. Hahahah ;p

$$$

Laoniang really went on an online shopping frenzy in the last 3 weeks
I just did a count and I’ve spent almost $400 since 6 Aug.

Slightly more than half are for the girls’ birthday party goodie bags and their presents for their teachers for Teachers’ Day. And the rest has gone to....feeding my new hobby, 2 new casual pants for me, some cutesy items for myself (couldn’t resist), etc.

Qoo10 and Shopee should count me as one of their loyal customers siah....

Conversations with a 4yr-old

The other day, Alyssa asked me to show her a picture of a deer. Any deer.
So I showed her a picture of a stag with big antlers.

Alyssa: The horns are so big! Sooo horny!

Me: ???!!! (Laughing madly inside)

雪拼

Laoniang has been on a shopping spree lately.
On both Qoo10 and Shopee. :)

Besides stuff for the girls’ birthday party goodie bags...I got stuff for myself as well.
Cute stuff..stuff I couldn’t resist...

I think I still had a certain amount of set-restraint lah.....
Else my house would be flooded with stuff already :)

Succulents are not for me I guess

I really don’t do well with succulents.

One just went kaput on me. It lasted pretty long actually, maybe because it was in the office. The aircon probably helped it last more than a few months :)

Another one at home is around 80% kaput liao.

I have one last survivor at home! Let’s hope this particular succulent will last long long!

Winter Bear

Some of BTS' songs have brought me strength and comfort. And a recent solo song written and composed by V was released. It's called Winter Bear and it's captured my heart...
Partly because he wrote the song as a tribute to his grandmother for her 3rd death anniversary.
It made me think a little of my granny too...


Winter Bear - Kim Tae Hyung (V)

She looks like a blue love parrot
Would you come fly to me?
I want some good day, good day, good day
Good day, good day
Looks like a winter bear
You sleep so happily
I wish you good night, good night, good night
Good night, good night

Imagine your face
Say hello to me
Then all the bad days
They're nothing to me
With you

Winter bear
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sleep like a winter bear
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sleep like a winter bear

Breathe....

Seems like people always only wake up after June has passed.
Many things happen only after June...and now laoniang is abit swarmed...

Even the foreign folks whom I am dealing with too...

Ganbatte!

Yay!

ST shared good news with me today. For the past 3-4 weeks, she's been on hospitalisation leave and taking meds and injections for her 3rd IVF cycle. And today...she found out that the embryo has latched on!

She said she cried when she heard the news. I felt so touched and happy for her that I teared too.
Felt touched cos well...I've been with her since her 1st try and I know the ups and downs she's been through all throughout her IVF journey. Really not easy.

Praying for a smooth pregnancy and journey of motherhood for her!
I can finally pass her my maternity wear! Dump the whole load to her hahha...

Mindful walking

Mindful eating is one thing. Mindful walking is another thing altogether.
It is much more difficult to do!

Mindful walking entails just walking and focusing on your steps, your breath, how you feel, what you feel the ground is like, and/or focusing on the air and trees around you...not letting thoughts cloud your mind and just focusing on all those things...

Difficult. Been trying it on and off for some time...I can't do it for long, just a few minutes and the I'll get distracted by something or someone walking by or a dog barking or what not...

Shall try it out and practice more...

Chloe & Atom

Happened to meet Chloe and Atom yesterday when I got off the bus. 

There were at the same bus-stop waiting for Bus 26 to bring them back home. :) 

Was so happy to see Chloe. I was also very glad to see her happy, smiling, contented and .....grounded...for lack of a better word. She seemed in a good place. A very good and happy place. And it was heartening to see that. 

They looked good together too. Both were so happy and cheerful! And in sync with each other. :) 

I miss the times when we would chat on MSN (yes, it was that long ago). I could talk to her about anything and everything, literally everything, even the grossest stuff haha. 

When they got on their bus, I left with a smile on my face. :) 

Conversations with the girls

Both girls were quite cranky last night and anything and everything would trigger them. 
And so...Nadya had an argument with K ...

N: I already had a nightmare in school today. Do you want to give me another one tonight?
Me: I have nightmares too.N: You are giving me a nightmare and headache!Me: I have two headaches.N: They are not real!Me: Believe me, they are very real. One big, one small and they walk all over the house.N: Not talking to you!


===============
Before bed, Alyssa and Nadya got into an argument as well...I don't remember what they were arguing about but it came to this....
Surprisingly, the smaller one "won" the argument! It was hilarious to me but I couldn't laugh out loud in that situation haha. 

N: I will shoot you!
A: But you don't have a gun.
N: Then I will throw you into the swimming pool!!
A: But you don't have strength to carry me.
N: *huffs in frustration and starts to tear*

Sometimes

Sometimes you really don't need advice

When you say things or gripe a little, you just want a listening ear

Sometimes there really isn't anyone else who you think would understand or know

Sometimes you end up talking to yourself, which isn't very healthy 

Sometimes you end up talking to a wall, which is better 

Except that the wall reverberates at times and gives off other vibes you have to contend with

Sometimes you just want to express yourself but don't know what to say or how to say it

And you end up staying silent again, lost in your own thoughts

Sometimes you talk but get brushed off or feel invalidated 

And so you end up staying silent again

Sometimes you just write and let the words flow

Words which could not get past your mouth for whatever reason 

Sometimes you just listen to music, or that emptiness in your head 

And let it bring you somewhere, anywhere

Sometimes 

Sometimes 

Taiji

It IS a skill. A survival skill of sorts.

Of which The Coll is very adept in.

How she does it shamelessly is another skill.

Memorising

I used to be damn good at it. Especially in secondary school. Rote learning mah. ;p

I could memorise some Jap songs last time in my late teens and early 20s as well.

I'm trying to learn a Korean song now.....to no avail. Hahaha.
Still stuck at second sentence after a whole week lol...

The brain is not what it used to be I guess. Plus a w hole host of other things are taking up my brain and mind space. :D

Nvm...at least I will learn some bits of the song, if not the whole thing!
Paul Kim's Me After You....

Reminder?

"The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anyone."

This came up on my FB newsfeed. It is a good reminder.
Though in reality, execution is not so easy. :)

For we often, knowingly or unknowingly, place expectations on others, especially those closest to us.

Mindful eating

I've been practising mindful eating whenever I can over the last 2-3 months. Usually it's lunchtime in office if I'm not eating with someone else. 

It started out awkward and boring. I started out with a short duration of 5mins only just to try the concept out. Then it increased naturally to 10mins and then to 15mins or so. 

Over time, it's been quite enjoyable actually. 

You clear your mind of all things and just focus on eating. You focus on the chewing, the sounds (if any), the textures of the food, the taste, the colours, etc. 

And when you're done eating, you just go back to whatever it is you want to do next...

LH

A little sad.
A close team-mate and ally just showed me her resignation letter. It's dated today...
I was her buddy when she first joined in 2014.

She has mulled over her decision for several months and it's now come to this.

I still hope she stays...maybe after a deeper conversation with our boss she might stay?

I can only hope.

Concidentally, just yesterday, I thought of making her a card today.

9 August 2019

It is the nation's birthday.

It is also Mei's birthday. I've been wishing her for 17 years and this year, out of habit I texted her to wish her happy birthday as well. After sending it out though, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Adrian was in Melbourne. In less than 10minutes, I got a text from him saying "I got a text from Marc. Please do not send Mei greetings anymore."

I felt hurt and disappointed. For some reason, I also cried. It was an immediate raw reaction.
I guess, I was hurt because all the things she'd said previously seemed to be just lip service.

"Keep in touch. Take care."
"I'll have a small housewarming and invite you when the house is ready."

Nada. Zilch. Zero. Nothing.
Just lip service.

Maybe she did mean part of it when she said those words last year but grew cold feet as time went by.

Anyway, she wants to cut off all communications. Ok fine. I respect that choice.
I'll tell myself and remind myself that. No point in trying to keep something when it isn't working or when the other party does not want to.

Just need to tell myself to move on.

Yet

Rivulets
Yet, dry

Crowded
Yet, alone

Happy
Yet, sad

Forwards
Yet, backwards

Growing
Yet, stagnant

Staccato
Yet, monotonous

Moving
Yet, still

Yet


==========
Drafted
On a day, at a time
When I was feeling down, tired, sad, alone, a little frustrated and out
Just a small being in this big universe
But who knows for sure
The best is YET to be

God has his plans for us
Probably written out
I wonder if they are in drafts or finalised versions
I wonder if he will rub off some text and re-write our future stories
As the scenes unfold slowly

Still popping up

Still happening after so many months...the number 44 keeps popping up. I take less note of it now though...used to it already perhaps....

• When I tap my phone to check the time, more than half the time, it'll be the hour and 44 minutes. e.g. 2:44pm, 5:44pm....
• Took a walk with K yesterday and when I glanced at the lamp-post next to him, it was numbered 44....
• The other day again when I checked the microwave to see whether my food was going to be done soon...the timer showed that 44 seconds was remaining..

Goosebumps lol!

Sunflowers!

The sunflower seedlings are doing good so far....one of them is getting quite tall...almost 20cm already.

Germinated them from seeds so I'm proud of them! Transplanted them from the starter kit pot to an actual pot a few weeks ago and I hope they survive long enough to mature into adult plants....:)

I forgot to label the exact date of when I planted the seeds....so I forgot how "old" these seedlings are already. But I know that I planted the seeds in early July...So they should be around 1.5mths old now?

==========
Got myself some other flower seeds over the weekend....of plants called Rose Fairy and Celosia (Fairy Fountain). Those Horti brand seeds that you can get off the shelf in Giant.

Will sow the seeds one of these days with the girls...They take at least 10-14 days to germinate though...I hope the girls are patient enough to wait lol....

And I should remember to label these pots with the dates of when the seeds were sown....

Succulents

Succulents are supposed to be very easy to care for.
I've never had much luck with them though. I somehow kill them quite easily.
Not sure why too....overwatering?

I just bought 2 tiny pots over the weekend and transplanted them into a bigger pot.

Hope they survive and thrive...

Conversations with an almost 4yr-old

On Saturday afternoon, while in the car waiting for K to pick Nadya up from Berries....

Alyssa: Mama, what is tree plus house?
Me: Treehouse?
A: Ya correct! What is water plus melon?
Me: Watermelon.
A: Ya correct! Very good!
Me: Ok, my turn. What is ice plus cream?
A: Banana cheese!
Me: ???!!!

She might be eloquent sometimes....but the logic....erm.... lol...
Either that or she purposely wanted to snook me and play punk with me haha....

Please...get better soon...

It's become sort of a family tradition to eat pizza or order food in on National Day each year and watch the parade on telly.

The rest of the family had pizza from Domino's and I had the leftover rice and dishes from lunch instead. I took 2 or 3 garlic breadsticks though. I was full...and might have overeaten a little...oh well...in the spirit of the day and our nation's birthday...

And then the next day....stomach spoil. In fact, the next few days...:( Couldn't eat much, was constantly bloated and I even had cramps in the upper abdominal area. When Nadya patted my tummy, she said I had air in there...even she now knows how to tell if there's air in the tummy or not. She said I sounded hollow like a drum.

After just a few days of eating light, eating less and having stomach issues...my weight went down by almost one kg to 45.7kg this morning. I've never been below 46kg since more than 10 years ago. zzz...

My dear tummy...please get better ok...
You've been giving me issues for 8-9 months already...I've cut out so many types of food, including my favourite spicy food and my favourite HL milk, just to appease you....
Please cooperate okie?

Rice!! My rice!!

Our helper went back to visit her family for a week. She left on 29 July and only came back on 6 Aug. It would have been 2 days earlier if not for the airline cancelling her 4 Aug flight due to low air pressure in the Davao skies.

During the period she was away, I realised I didn't eat much rice, save for the dinners at my inlaw's place. And even then K and I skipped dinner on 2 days to have our own dinner date....and there was another night when they cooked porridge instead.

On the weekend, we ate out for all meals and we mostly ate noodles and MacDonald's.

From 2 Aug Friday till 5 Aug Monday lunch, I didn't have any rice for my meals at all. It was all either bread, toast, noodles, or pasta. Easy stuff that I could prepare at home, or dabao from the stores below my office block.

Today, I finally had rice for lunch. Helper started cooking my lunch again for me to bring to office. :)

I didn't realise I missed rice soooo much!

True Asian heart. Lol....we need our rice!!

Conversations between a 4yr-old and a 6yr-old

On Saturday morning 3 Aug. The girls had a squabble.

A: Jiejie your poo is so smelly!
N: No! You are smellier!

A: I will flush you down the toilet!!
N: But I can’t even fit in so how can you flush me down? That doesn’t make sense!

A: *screams in frustration*
N: *smug face*

Wonder how their squabbles will evolve next time. Lol...

Right now, Alyssa's at the losing end because her eloquency and thought processes are not on par with Nadya's yet. :) We will see how as time goes by. 

Laoniang needs some love

Laoniang kena poked once on 23 Jul for a CT scan. This is a 5-yearly scan and the SGH staff nurse who inserted the plug for me did a good job so I am thankful.

Laoning kena poked twice on 30 Jul at CGH for another medical test. One for a plug and another time to draw blood for testing. The staff nurse...couldn't save my vein to insert a plug in after drawing blood for testing. I had to poked elsewhere for the plug to be inserted. I don't know what she did but....she caused me a big bruise at the initial site. She told me it'll be gone in a week.

Nabeh. One week liao. Bruise still there. One big orh-cheh and blood beneath the skin. Sometimes still sore to the touch. Laoniang not happy. I asked a doctor (whose field is totally unrelated to the blood test) how long the bruise would take to go away....he said 2-3 weeks at least.

Laoniang needs some tender loving care....the girls have been giving me kisses to the bruise area each day...

Of conversations

Out of work, I don't like discussing with people on how certain systems and processes should be like this or like that. Or how things should be done in a certain way instead of this way. Or how some of the nation's policies should be like this or like that.

I dislike the back and forth and the constant spewing of opinions. And the laments and complaints. Like that talk so easy, then everybody go become policy-maker lah. Maybe I'm a Libran and I can see from both points of view. Both from the policy-makers' perspective and the man on the street. Maybe it is because I am a public servant and I understand it is impossible to please everyone all the time. Maybe my mind is just not so equipped to have strong views of my own as well.

I step away. I steer the conversation away. Or if it's a virtual conversation. I just don't reply to any such discussion.

I just want to have simple and sometimes mindless conversations about the person himself/herself, and the things they are going through and of life in general. Simple slices and nuggets of information here and there. That is palatable to me. I like light soups. Not heavy cream, stomach-churning, acid-inducing stuff.

Don't get me into discourses on policies (and politics) and how the gahmen should be doing this or that. It tires me and I switch off almost immediately. It also stresses me out.

I just ghosted a good friend on Whatsapp. Because of this. He sent me several texts on what and how the government should do to improve the process of whatever he is dealing with right now. That is not an answer to a question I asked him. Oh well....sigh. Let me see how it goes.

Reminder to Self

• 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, is still a step forward. 
• It is a choice. You have a choice. 
• You can do this! I can do this! We can do this! 

Preparations in time to come...

And the preparations will begin soon...

• Logistics of sending to and from school, etc
• After-school care
• Meals in school
• Need to ensure she can count her $$$ lol
• Uniforms
• School books
• Stationery
• School socks!
• School shoes! 
• School bag!
• New water bottle? 
• New watch? 

That Little Baby....

Little Baby...is no longer that little....and no longer a baby...

Though I still call her "baby girl" sometimes...She would respond to me still but sometimes, she'd roll her eyes instead and say "I am not a baby...ugghhh!" Haha.

And so...this little baby...has now secured a spot in a primary school for next year when she starts Primary 1. How time flies.

I think she will look really cute in the school uniform...the light blue pinafore. :)
I remember last year she told me she wanted to be in a school that had pinafore for the girls haha...so it's a wish come true for her.

Never thought we'd reach this stage so soon....
As some say, the days and nights are long but the months and years are short.

Jiayou

A long time back, I used to call myself Aunt Agony...various people would share their concerns and worries with me...strangely enough more guys than ladies spoke to me...

And then as we all grew older and got busier, lesser people came to me...
Recently though...more are starting to share their concerns with me again...wonder why...

I'm not in a good state to listen to them to be honest...but I try. What are friends for?

Jiayou to them...and jiayou to me too....

Uncle's Philosophy

I met a cab uncle the other day.

When we passed by a plot of land in front along Pasir Panjang Road, he told me it belonged to Singapore Power and that they were going to redevelop the area to something else. He proudly shared that his son was one of the engineers who helped draw up the area map for the redevelopment.

And then he shared his work philosophy with me...told me he worked for 35 years at a company (but didn't tell me his role there)...and that he had a strategy to survive that 35 years in that company. His strategy was......

做少一点，少做就少错
说你不会做，那别人就会去做
笑一笑就过， 这样才不会shiong

He said he shared this philosophy with his son but his son didn't agree with it lol...
I don't really agree 100% with it too...but sometimes, it is a good "strategy"...
Afterall, I've seen cases where "taiji masters" survive long and can even get promoted...

CT Scan

Laoniang went for a CT scan this morning. For the brain. I last did an MRI 5 years back...
Time flies. This time round, the doc called for a simpler CT scan instead. If this scan result is also an all-clear, like how it is every 3 or 5 years from 2005, then I likely won't need anymore CT scan or MRI scan for the brain anymore. Fingers crossed! And yay in advance!

Laoniang kena poke again today. Had to insert a plug in my right inner elbow again. (Maybe the veins are better there). The plug was for them to pump saline and contrast into me so for the scan to take place. Lost track of how many times I kena poked by needles this year liao...

Laoniang will jiayou !!!
I can do this!!

*muacks*

And....we are 7 years!

If you count from our Chinese customary tea ceremony and Chinese wedding dinner lah...
If it's from the ROM date then we're almost 8 already....:)

Happy Anniversary Sayang!

Went for a yummy beef bowl lunch at Yoshinoya! K wanted to go to a better restaurant...but to me...
Yoshinoya's good enough...doesn't mean that only atas restaurants dish out good stuff...:)
Maybe my tummy craved for the beef bowl today :)

Here's to many many more years ahead Baby!

Jal haess-eo

Took a long route through the last stragglers of the lunch crowd.
It was more crowded that what I was used to and I did feel abit light-headed.
Still, I did step out. I did walk through those remaining crowds.
I did go the longer way and not seek a shortcut.
And I did not ...for lack of a better word...get kancheong.
And I was okay.

Jal haess-eo, Michelle.
Good job, Michelle.

Reminder to Self

Baby Steps 
- One step at a time, don't run before you learn how to walk

Track Accomplishments
- See your small wins, see how you've progressed and moved forward

Focus
- 3 things, not 10

Take Care of your Body
- Do better

Produce X 101

Kim Yo Han hwaiting!
Han Seung Woo hwaiting!
Lee Jin Hyuk hwaiting!

I've yet to watch the latest episode so I don't know who are the remaining 20 trainees...
But oh well...:)

I wonder who Kyler's fav is....Need to ask Ally....

Conversations between a 4yr-old and a 6yr-old

The other night just before bed.....

A: I am a witch!!
N: Then that means you're a bad girl you know? A very bad bad girl.
A: Ya! I am bat girl! I will ask all of my bats to spit fire at you! Then you will be surrounded! Ha Ha Ha! *evil laughter*

This conversation stood out to me because....

1. Alyssa's honest and utterly cute misunderstanding of Nadya's word "bad" for the word "bat" lol....
2. Alyssa's use of the phrase "spit fire at you"...wah...where did she learn that from? 
3. Alyssa's "Ha Ha Ha!" was done in an evil laughter tone....she's never done that before! It was so cute hearing it from her haha....

Fever? No Fever?

Felt a sore throat ocming on last weekend but with enough water, it went away.
It seems to be coming back.

Feeling a little warm and slightly feverish these 2 days as well. But 37.3C doesn't count for a fever yet right? I was brought up to think that anything above 37C is a fever but GPS have told me that only 37.5C is then considered a fever. Google tells me that anything between 37C and 38C is a low-grade fever.

Laoniang dunno lah...so confusing. Bah....*pouts*
Laoniang just wants to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz the whole day.

But I am still in office.

Nvm....jiayou!!!
Mind over body!!!!!

Mindful eating

Been practising mindful eating when I lunch in the office the last week or so. Hope to keep it up.
Nothing much.

I'm just setting aside 15mins or so to eat my lunch. Although I'm at my desk, my PC is off. And during this 10-15mins (or however long it takes to eat my lunch), I won't touch my PC and my phone.

I won't do anything else except eat or drink. And with each mouthful of food, I try to focus on the textures, taste, temperature or colour of the food. And I try to chew purposefully and chew more too since it's supposed to help me digest my food better.

Today's lunch was butter mushroom rice with pumpkin, cabbage and minced meat. The bright happy orange colour of the pumpkin contrasted with the green cabbage quite nicely. It made for a happy colourful meal instead of the usual drab brown looking lunches that my helper makes haha.

*heart*

K and I had dinner outside yesterday instead of at his parents'.
It was a short one but I enjoyed it much.

I thought about why I enjoyed it and had a nice time. And I realised...

We were alone, just the two of us. No kids to distract (or nag at).
We were relaxed. We were having simple and yummy food.
And most importantly....We were not on our phones.
We were present. We talked. To each other.

It was meaningful. :)
It was nice.

Change...people...things...

There was a lady I knew in office when I first joined 12 years ago. 

She was 3 years older than me. She was a scholar and quite down to earth and unassuming. She'd always wear the same type of clothes, a simple plain top and plain black or brown or grey pants. She always wore flats, some of which were scruffed up and worn out. She wore no makeup and kept her hair up in a messy ponytail. She'd slouch her way around the office and cruise around in her office flip-flops. She was smart and capable. 

While we were not close last time, we knew who each other was and would nod to each other as a form of greeting. Sometimes, if the setting was right, we'd exchange a few words as well. 

Maybe 6 to 7 years ago, being the scholar that she is, she was pulled to a senior management role at a newly established agency. She was 2nd from the top there I think and stayed there for 3 years maybe before being pulled back to my agency. 

I guess, being in top management does change you somewhat. She came back to our agency and looked different. She was slimmer and wore dresses and heels. She also wore make up, handled her hair better and generally looked sharper and more chic in her outlook. I don't even wear lipstick but she does now...haha...

And then I realised a couple of months...we don't greet each other anymore...On the rare occasions that we crossed paths, she didn't even look me in the eye when she walked past me. I did call out on one or two occasions. But I somehow didn't get a response. To give her the benefit of doubt, she might not have recognised me since I'm in glasses now, or she might not have heard me....

In any case, while her outlook has changed alot, I hope her heart and inner core is still the same...

Be mindful

• Stay focused 
• Be present 
• Put down your phone when talking to others
• Show compassion
• Have empathy
• One thing at a time 
• Be in the zone
• Feel it

Reminder to self

If it irks you when someone you are talking to or trying to talk to doesn't look you in the eye and have a conversation with you but glues his or her eyes on their phone instead and just gives cursory attention (if any at all), then you shouldn't do the same to others. 

out with the old, in with the new

Pointsettia is now officially kaput.
K.A.P.U.T.

After dropping ALL leaves, it's stem is now finally all browned out and somewhat shrivelled.
It's a shame really...when it survived all the way from December 2018 when I received it as a Xmas present.

My cousin gave me a DIY gardening kit for Xmas too. It was a sunflower kit.

Thought I'd give it a try 1 month plus ago.

The first batch of seeds yielded nothing. In fact, the seeds turned mouldy. It was probably my own doing because I'd wrapped up the pot surface with cling film to create a greenhouse effect and to retain moisture. Learnt it online last time....guess that method doesn't go too well with sunflower seeds.

So anyway, about a week ago I threw in the second (and final) batch of seeds and lo and behold!!
There are now at least 3 seedlings which have sprouted!

Yay yay yay!

I hope they grow abit stronger before I transplant them to bigger pots. And I hope they survive in the new pots as well and grow up big and strong!

kids these days

80-90% of the time, the kids' homework inevitably becomes your homework instead....
anyway since when did kids in nursery and kindy have so many activities?

i don't remember doing all these things and when i asked my parents about it, they don't remember such stuff too. it was mostly play and some learning..

we turned out fine didn't we? hmm.....

it wasn't like this 10 years' ago too cos my nephew didn't go through so much of these...

oh well....times change...

Even if you don't feel like it....

Get up
Wash up
Get yourself out there
And SLAY.............

Gumbat!

At the back of my mind, there are another 2 challenges that I wish to overcome.
One might take a long time.

The other...I need to find the right place and right time to try it out. I know who I want to accompany me for this challenge. At least I've identified 1 or 2 close friends at work to be with me.
Psyching myself up for it slowly.

Ganbatte Michelle...
Or as K puts is....Gumbat!

Korean

while I cannot profess to be remotely conversant of the language....
and I definitely cannot read any word of Korean except for the word for "ke" as in "kekeke" for happy laughter....
I think I've learnt quite a fair bit of Korean words over 2.5 years of listening to dramas and variety shows

while I am interested in learning the language
I don't have the time to do so
not when I haven't carved out enough time and space to go for walks even

while i bought a simple book to start reading and learning the language
I never got beyond page 5 of the book unfortunately

oh well...

mish mash

recently discovered that massaging the ears and earlobes helps the body as the ears have many nerve endings and many acupoints that are connected to various parts and organs of the body.

lemme go read up more!
sounds interesting and could be easy to do as well...

===============
22 July

our 7th wedding anniversary (based on wedding dinner and Chinese tea ceremony)
it'll also be the day we pop by the primary school to register Nadya for her P1 journey next year

oh how time flies

===============
laoniang ate alot over the weekend
and put on some weight in the process

yay!

laoniang wash 46.9kg this morning
back up from 46.1kg around 2 weeks ago when I fell sick

===============
laoniang is running out of lunch ideas liao
everyday is now just rice and a stirfry of mixed veg and mushrooms with one meat or fish item

laoniang ish sibei cold

raining heavily outside
freezing in the office now
brrrr
wearing 3 layers
office dress, cardigan, another jacket
with a scarf over my legs
fingers are still so cold
laoniang's lips are a little blue at the edges liao

The discomfort

It's been many months since I'd felt this. Almost the full works.
The slight wooziness, the nausea, the bloating, the discomfort in the upper stomach area, the on and off soft stool, the on and off tremors in the legs, the on and off slight breathlessness, the slight chest pain. This time round, there's also bitterness in the mouth for at least 3-4 days already.

My dear stomach...and not-so-dear stomach acid...can dun disturb me please?
I don't want to lose anymore weight...

I want to eat happily and be able to one day eat again all the stuff that I've not really been able to take in the last 6 months....

Please....

First movie for the girls

Sunday evening.

We brought the girls for their first movie experience. We watched "Secret Life of Pets 2" at Shaw Cinema at Jewel.

Truth be told, I am actually afraid of loud sounds and have been so since young. I used to be so afraid of balloons that I'd hide in a corner away from them and whimper. During an xmas party when I was 8, I ran out of my uncle's house into the garden because the Xmas carols being played in the house were too loud for me to handle. It makes me wonder why and how I actually enjoyed clubbing and pubbing I was in my 20s. Very strange.

It is part of the reason why I rarely go to the movies in recent years.

So anyway I digressed, I was prepared to walk out of the movie halfway if I could not take the loud volume of the movie. I was also very prepared to walk out of the movie halfway if any of the girls decided they didn't like the movie or the loud volume or the dark theatre.

The girls surprised me! Nadya thoroughly enjoyed the movie and was not afraid at all of the dark theatre. I honestly thought she would be afraid. She didn't need any assurance at all. Alyssa was pretty ok but when villains appeared in the movie, she didn't like them and clambered over to sit with me. On me actually. I had to hug her and hold on to her for the latter half of the movie.

All in all a good first experience for the girls!

Putting monkeys to sleep

Both girls tested my patience alot last night. It took me 1.5hours to put them to bed.
I didn't shout at them but my patience was really sorely tested.

On hindsight, they were especially sticky last night, especially Alyssa. Both were trying to cuddle me and get hugs. One was hugging my leg and the other my arm.

While I love the cuddles, I really do wish they'd go to bed easier and faster.

Here's to hoping tonight will be a smoother night.
Ganbatte!