Pointsettia

My pointsettia is still unstable.

Even after repotting into a bigger pot, another 2 leaves have yellowed and fallen off. On average, maybe one or two leaves have fallen off each week since 3 weeks ago...:(

It's not a very big plant...I hope it survives...

Maybe it's the recent high temperatures that it can't stand? Afterall, the plant came from a temperate climate...

My heart is full

I don't know if Alyssa noticed I was a little edgy this morning or what.

When we were in the car this morning, I had my eyes closed.

She took both my hands and hugged them tight. She then patted my hands while still hugging them....And she gave each hand a gentle kiss. Then she gave me a smile. It wasn't a cheeky smile or anything. It looked surprisingly mature. It seemed to be a "I know Mama. I know. But you can do it!" type of smile. A simple but emphathetic and encouraging smile.

She also gave me a bright smile and a "I love you Mama!" when I left the car to bring Nadya to school....

I was touched this morning and my heart, it melted...:)

Thank you my darling baby, Mama needed that. I love you too. Very much.

Though younger and more lacking in vocabulary, Alyssa seems to posses more empathy and awareness of emotions...And it is times like these when I feel, somehow amidst all the fumbles and uncertainties of parenting, we must have done something right.

What do you want to be?

When I was young...I actually wanted to be some of these....

• Receptionist - You're the first person and the first impression for anyone stepping into a corporate office. You make or break that first impression. How cool is that? Plus you get to dial those complicated phone systems to reach whoever your guest is trying to meet up with...:) 
• Cashier - At a grocery store. Back then when the cash register had a certain ringing sound whenever the cash till portion came sliding out. It impressed the hell out of me when I was a child and I always wanted to be the one handling the machine haha. Plus I thought it would fun to scan the groceries and see what  fooddifferent people bought. It would be fun to bag the items too! 
• Veterinarian - This was probably the only thing I wanted to be that required alot of studying haha. I loved animals alot when I was young and I wanted to be the doctor that treated them when they got sick... 
• Teacher - This was short-lived but it was one of my considerations when I was younger....largely because I was surrounded by teachers. My Dad, my aunt, my distant uncles, my parent's friends, my aunt's friends....they were all teachers!

I asked Nadya what she wanted to be last time. I think it was a year or two back. She said princess. LOL. 

Recently she said she wants to be a scientist. Wah...:)

I should start asking Alyssa what she wants to be when she grows up too....

Breathe

Headspace issues notifications to me from time to time throughout the day. Each time with little snippets and reminders. I find them useful sometimes. And they help to break some of the not-so-positive vibes as well.

Just got one. Which was a timely reminder.

"How chatty is your mind today? There is always your breath to help you out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

Breathe.
In.
Out.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
Breathe.

Of check-ups and....

Did a quick check and discovered that I've been to a GP or had medical appointments for a total of 24 times to date since the start of the year...

• Jan - 6 times
• Feb - 6 times
• Mar - 4 times
• Apr - 5 times
• May - 3 times

Actually, I may have missed out on 1 or 2 also...

Half of the year ain't even gone yet. And I know there are at least 8 to 10 more appointments and follow-ups that have been scheduled for the rest of the year....

Some people go through a whole year not seeing any GP at all, let alone a doc at the hospital. Sigh...

I don't want to think about how much I have spent so far. When people ask me what did I buy for myself after getting the mid-year bonus, I just smile and shrug and say nothing...because I'm saving up for my checkups. 

This is the year of the what again?? Year of the Pig I believe? 

Bah....not that good a year for me in terms of health...

It will get better...

It will get better...

Jiayou Michelle! 

You can do this! 

Medical Check

Went for a medical check this morning.

Thyroid and cortisol levels are not abnormally low and out of whack, but they are not within the normal range either....just borderline below the normal range.

Will be referred to the endocrine specialist for further assessment on hormone levels and my endocrine system.

And I have mild piles. zzzzz...had my bum poked by the doc this morning. Nvm, this is no biggie. Just need to take care, drink more water, take more vegetables and don't strain too much while pooing.

And apparently my liver is slightly fatty. Like really? Even after losing 5kg in the last 5-6 months? zzzzz....

Good thing is that stomach scope and pancreas scan are all ok and clear.

Was given omeprazole again to control the acid reflux and probiotics...

I wonder how many case files I have with CGH already........the clinics I have open cases with at CGH are at least 6 or 7....and I have another 2 at SGH...

Ganbatte...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this!!!

Reminder to Self

1. Make little changes to your life - exercise, get out in nature, meditate 
2. Smile more - even if you don't feel like it
3. Relish, simple everyday moments
4. Perform random acts of kindness
5. Avoid comparisons and embrace your own imperfections
6. Build and maintain close relationships

Sunday's meals....and stomach spoil....and girl crush?

K and I both like this restaurant at Katong V. It's called Strong Flour and is part of the Group Therapy group of cafes. It also happens to be run by an acquaintance of mine whom I met at least 8 years ago due to work.

We brought the girls there for lunch yesterday. The girls like the truffle fries there. As usual, the food did not disappoint. It was good...though it could be abit oily at times....

And yep....the oiliness caused my stomach to react...

Alyssa was feeling a little queasy as well....

And so we ended up ordering porridge for dinner lol...From this place called Li Fang Porridge in Geylang...It was our first time trying them out and we're glad we did! Their porridge was good...thick congee the way I like it...It did not turn watery even after an hour just sitting there on my kitchen counter.

Laoniang likes this type of "chok". Yummy!

My stomach though....I was still bloated, full and queasy at bedtime...:(
Even after just having light porridge for dinner....

Speaking of my acquaintance, the co-owner of Strong Flour and the Group Therapy chain....
She's young, thin and wiry. Tomboyish since my initial days of knowing her. But there's a certain charisma she has. In the Korean entertainment industry, they would describe her as being "cool" and a "girl crush" haha.

Here's wishing Wei Lin all the best in her cafes!

Coincidences - part 2

Still happening...the number 44 keeps popping up.

• 7 or 8 out of 10 times I check the time, it will still read as 2:44pm, 20:44pm, etc.
• I went for a medical appointment and it was in room 44 for that day, even though the doctor was usually in room 25. 
• I checked my phone another day and a Whatsapp message notification showed that it came in 44mins ago. 
• I glanced at the mivrvowave oven one day to see how long more till the food is heated and the clock showed it still had 44 more seconds to go....

Little little bits like that...on most days...

So 巧.....So uncanny....

Origami

Folding lilies and cranes can be rather calming.
Perhaps I should buy another pack of origami paper from Daiso and leave it in the office...:)

Me vs Me

At the end of the day
It can be lonely
As

It is a battle
It is a conversation
It is a compromise
It is a challenge
It is a journey
It is a process

Between me
And me

The thoughts
The feelings
The emotions
And also
The physical manifestations

I feel them
I experience them
Only I may fully understand
The impact they have on me

On a daily basis
On an hourly basis

I don't wish to explain
Certain actions or behaviour of mine
However strange or preposterous
They may seem at times

I am thankful though
For friends and family who
Accept me as is

Learning how to ground
Learning how to manage
Learning

There is still a long way to go
May my days be more manageable and fruitful
May my nights be more restful

Keep the faith
Keep going

Hal su-issda
I can do it!

Random stuff

Wanted to colour last night but ended up being rather tired so I went to bed earlier instead. Thought I could have a good night's rest but the thunderstorm at 330am kept me up abit I think. I remember I was still trying to get back to sleep and still hearing thunder clapping here and there.

Wonder if I can get 20winks later...a 5-10mins quick shuteye would be nice...

==============
Seems that The Coll is trying to push a piece of policy work to me.

A string of Hokkien swear words emanated from me when I heard about it.

How many times has she "siammed" work already? Either act blur or cook up excuses or siam....until the piece of work falls into a black hole.

NB she better don't continue pushing. Pek check enough already as it is.

===============
I met a lady from the far end of office at the washroom today. We seldom see each other as she's seated very far away. She commented that I'd slimmed down alot...and asked me to take care....

:(

===============
My new Nike cap came in the mail 2 days ago. Sibei like. Sibei love. Sibei chio lah the cap...

It's dark grey with the words "Just do it" embroidered on the front of it, just above the duck bill. no tick, nothing else. And the grey's made to seem a little washed out.

Loving it! :)
Brought me alot of joy unwrapping it from the packaging that day haha...:)

Pointsettia

Spent a short 5-10mins transplanting my pointsettia into a bigger pot last night before bed.
It was actually a small and very short plant with a single bunch of pointsettia red leaves...maybe around 10cm tall only? Given to me by Linda my colleague fro Xmas last year.

I brought it home and gave it some love and care. I wasn't expecting much but it somehow blossomed...most of the red leaves dropped off by February or March...but then new foliage started appearing in early April, which is actually spring time in Europe. The plant has since sprouted several new branches and baby leaves too...and is standing at 15cm tall and 10-12cm wide.

The plant was still in its original tiny pot and I'd neglected to switch it out to a bigger pot. Plus I was a little lazy. Some leaves started turning yellow end of last week and one or two actually shrivelled up and dropped off....

I got worried and quickly transplanted it last night. Let's hope that the plant roots will reach out to the new soil soon and the plant will discover that it has more space to grow into!

Breathe.

Sometimes when The Coll does things...

Especially when it is just a repetition of what you proposed or said or did.... 

Just so she has the "last say"....

I need to learn to let it go and just treat it as a dog barking...Yes, just a dog barking. 

Need to learn to walk away and save myself from being pek chek. 

Walk away 

Breathe

Walk away

Ignore

Walk away

Do better things

Walk away

Be bigger

Walk away 

Keep going keep trying

Nadya seems really sticky to me during bedtime.

When I suggested to her yesterday evening that K would put her to sleep instead of me, she immediately became all upset and whiny and insisted that I be the one to put both she and Alyssa to sleep.

Nvm, keep trying.

Weight

Laoniang is at 46.9kg.

Hoping to bring it back up to 48 or so....

Yummy....Fishy....Tuna!

Last Friday, I wanted to get 1 tin of tuna to try out its taste as I've not taken it before. Ayam Brand's tuna in olive oil.  K ended up getting 4 tins of it because he said there was some kind of promo lol.

So anyway I've been having tuna for breakfast these 2 days and I have to say it tastes pretty yummy. :)

The only thing about tuna is.......

The fishy smell it leaves in your mouth.........

I got abit conscious of myself these 2 days, especially in the first half of the day... hahaha

Of colours and inspirations

Feeling blessed.

On Monday, Kah Hui gifted me with a sketchbook. She'd gotten it from Denmark when she was on her course a month ago. She finally had the time to sort out her trip stuff and had the chance to bring it to office to pass to me.

It's a lovely sketchbook with a plain cover for you to design your own front and back covers. I don't think she realised it but the front and back covers are actually made with special watercolour paper. Haha...she only thought it was some unique rough or meshed paper. :)

I've not opened the book yet because I don't have any inspiration as yet on how to utilise it or what to fill it up with....and I don't have an inkling what to paint on the cover too...:) Will keep it aside till I find my inspiration!

===============
Spent 30-40mins colouring last night. Not sure what came over me but it's been a long long time since I coloured. Finished up a 3/4 coloured mandala last night and did up half of another mandala.

Maybe I might have some time tonight to finish the second mandala up.


Felt somewhat refreshed

===============
Still very much in love with my 48-colour Stabilo colour pencils.
Since it's been so long since I last coloured, I'd also forgotten how much I actually love those pencils!

I keep them hidden from the girls...I do get possessive over my special (and separate) stash of art supplies. I draw the line at things that are just solely for myself. :)

There aren't many of them though...Just 2 colouring books, my Stabilo 48 piece colour pencil set, my watercolour brushes and my watercolour special paper. :)

The rest of the stuff like coloured paper, coloured cards, origami paper, yarn, googly eyes, ice-cream sticks, watercolour paints, poster colour paints, finger paints, palettes, brushes, etc....are free for those two little girls to use (and abuse) hahaha.....

Bits and Pieces

Even a 1,000km journey starts from a single step...

A single step
A single breath
A single movement

===============
The girls both have runny noses and phlegmy coughs.
Alyssa vomitted on Saturday night and Nadya had a slightly infected eye on Sunday...
Hope they get well soon...

Nadya has been rather whiny and quick to get teary and upset these 2 weeks...
Sickness aside, when I ask her if anything happened in school or if there was anything that upset her, she'd say that there was nothing...or maybe she doesn't know how to articulate her feelings.
Hope she opens up and talks about it or sorts herself out soon....

===============
Homework
Get myself acquainted with more words describing emotions
Be more aware of what emotions I am feeling

===============
Bits and Pieces
I wonder if they are still around? The store selling silver jewellery?
I used to get all my stuff from them when I was in secondary school and JC...and maybe even during uni days? I cannot remember...

Today we will survive

From "Not Today" BTS
Verse sung by Jungkook, Jimin, J-hope & V


"If you can't fly, then run
Today we will survive
If you can't run, then walk
Today we will survive
If you can't walk, then crawl
Even if you have to crawl, gear up
Aim your gun! Ready! Fire!"

Every little step forward is still progress

Before the girls slept, I told Nadya to go the toilet on her own if she needed to pee in the middle of the night. Also told her that she need not fuss or cry if she needed to pee. Just go pee and then go back to sleep. Been telling her these since awhile back....

My intention is to have her be independent and to overcome her fear of the dark....and of course to minimise sleep interruption for me. Ok, the latter is my main goal lol....

She did very well last night...I heard her wake and go to the washroom herself. Was also glad that she did not fuss or what.

I thought I could just drift back to sleep when she came over after she'd peed.

"Mama!" She whispered and tapped my arm. "Mama!"
"Mama! I woke up and went to pee by myself!!" She said proudly.

"Ok, good job darling. Mama is proud of you. Now go back to sleep...."

So in the end I still got woken up........
*facepalm*

But nevermind.....Reminder to self. Every little step forward is still progress. :)

Alyssa the water baby

Alyssa has been rather taken with swimming recently. Ever since she gained courage and discovered she could swim (or more like dog paddle) around the pool on her own if she had her trusty arm floats on. I took some videos of her doing that last Saturday morning and now she wants to see those videos everyday haha.

She's been showing one particular video to different people and asked me to show her aunt last evening as well. She's proud of her achievement I guess haha.

According to Alyssa's form teacher, apparently Alyssa announced to her teacher and classmates 1 or 2 days ago that "My Dada swims with me with no Tshirt on."

And it sparked off a lengthy "My Daddy also never wear T-shirt" conversation in the entire class haha.

Imagine all the little 3 and 4 year olds talking about their daddies being topless....Lol...
So amusing!

Off with you!

The reflux was under control for awhile. But since last Friday, it kind of reared its head up again. And here I am trying my valiant best to quell it into submission.

These few days.......

• Stomach feels a little twisted up. 
• Stomach feels bloated more than half the time, especially after lunch. 
• Eating alot less again. 
• Wake up feeling a little nauseated sometimes.
• Difficulty swallowing.
• Lump in the throat feeling most of the time. "Globus sensation" is the medical term for it I believe.
• Heartburn on and off
• Chest pain on and off
• Tight chest on and off

Hope this episode clears up soon...
Mind over body? Yeah, mind over body. I can handle this....

Go to sleep now....close your eyes....

We finally tried it. Something I was hoping for a long time. 

K put the girls to sleep last night. Alyssa was pretty cool about it and was very ok with the arrangement. 

Nadya was not so cool about it. She bawled big time. It lasted a good 10-15mins. She cried herself to sleep I think. When Alyssa came out to pee and Nadya was still crying her eyes out, Alyssa told me: "Mama, I told jiejie no need to cry and to be quiet. Mama is just next door right?!"

Although my heart ached a little hearing Nadya cry, I think it is still a good step forward. For all of us. Baby steps. Do it 2-3 times a week and she'll get used to it. 

Having that extra 1-1.5hrs really makes a difference. That "me time" to settle down, tie up loose ends and round up the day.  I managed to settle some things including work and personal stuff and even watched 15mins' worth of a variety show. How cool is that? 

Boxy!

So so blessed.

ST just gave me a box from Miniso...it's a storage box but it also doubles up as a foot rest...
She's been blessing me with gifts every now and then since last year...I feel so paiseh.

And she always tells me she's very grateful I brought her into the team.

We recently got our bonus letters and she said it's the biggest she's ever seen in her entire working life...and she brought up the "being grateful to me" thing again.

My first time bringing someone into the team and I'm glad that things worked out well. She's a good worker and a very nice person. A good fit to the team and I'm glad my judgement of character was accurate in this instance. :)

She's turned out to be one of my closest friends in the team too...:)

Stomach spoil again

Just when I wrote about stabilising the stomach last Friday morning....

Then on Friday afternoon and evening, my stomach acted up. Been quite a long while since the acid reflux acted up so badly. I had the full works of nausea, slight dizziness, chest pain, lump in the throat feeling, bloatedness and upper tummy ache....

Had lunch at 1130am/12pm on Friday and had to skip dinner because I couldn't put anything in at all. If I did, I'd probably have thrown it up. My dinner/supper ended up being just a Maple syrup roll from a bakery, at 930pm or 10pm that night. Had to nibble on it slowly and split the bun into two or three portions instead of finishing it up at one go.

Since that evening, the tummy has not been that well...couldn't eat much over the weekend as well even though I was hungry and wanted to eat....

Because of skipping dinner on Friday and eating less over the weekend, I lost a little weight again...Boo....

Everyday is worth celebrating

Heard a song on Love 97.2 FM this morning...And there was a line which touched me.

"每天都值得去庆祝!"

Everyday is worth celebrating.

So motivating.

Also....find the good and the joy in every situation.
Note to self. Reminder to self!

Of Songs and Lyrics

Alyssa and Nadya were singing self-composed songs to their "babies" last night. They were trying to put their "babies" to sleep. "Babies" being Panda, Alyssa's favourite soft toy, and Bunny, Nadya's favourite toy.

Nadya sang a song which made me a little sad...One of her lines went like this...

"Mama needs to go to work....
I will see you later...
Somebody else will take care of you..."

:(  :(  :(

And then Alyssa surprised me with her own song...I was quite captivated and managed to jot down some of her self-composed lyrics....While not fully coherent, I was surprised at the language she used and how some of the phrases actually rhymed! Whether it was a conscious effort or not, I thought she did a very good job at the lyrics...for a 3.5yr old little girl. It was so....profound.

Here's how her song went.....

"I love you
I miss you
Sleep in the night
When the stars shine bright
Anyway
You cannot be in the way
And you can fill your day up
In the morning
You can talk about your day
In the night
That's me in the world
Shining bright
So fill your day up
To the sky
To the night"

This little girl is turning out quite well, tantrums aside....:)

zzz...zzz...

Too much talking this week...

Last Saturday night - more than an hour
Last Sunday afternoon - 30mins
Tuesday night - an hour
Thursday afternoon - 2-2.5 hours in total
Thursday night - 45mins
Friday afternoon - 1hr

No wonder I feel rather exhausted...
I want sleep and me time.
2 whole days of it. Maybe 3.

Weight...Diet...Changes...

Laoniang is weighing in at 47.1kg since last week...newest low. Sometimes the scale showed 46.9kg as well.

A little alarming considering it's been an average of 1kg loss per month since December.

Things that contributed:

• Stomach issues - Functional dyspepsia and acid reflux. Half the time I am walking around with either a bloated stomach or a stomach that feels knotted up or a stomach that is having indigestion.

• Diet change - major change. I have cut out 98% of snacks and biscuits and sweets. I'm still munching on raisin bread in between meals sometimes. It is my go-to for a quick energy top-up. No chocolates, cakes, tea, coffee, milk, spicy and deep fried food. Though I have no choice but to take fried food sometimes when we are outside and there are no other food choices. No tomatoes and other sour stuff (like pickles, oranges, etc) either. My lunch everyday now is either fusili, noodles or rice, with 2 or 3 types of veg and either chicken, lean pork or minced meat. Come to think of it, 90-95% of my meals are now home-cooked meals, with only the occasional ordering in or dining out. Wah.....

• Meal frequency - Taking smaller portions per meal or as much as my stomach would allow me to put in. Instead of 3 meals a day and munching on snacks in the afternoon sometimes, I'm doing about 4-5 meals a day now, with munching on raisin bread if I feel my energy and/or sugar level getting low. 

Never knew the diet change and switching to smaller but more meals in a day could have such an effect on my weight. That's all my pregnancy weight and more that has been lost. 

But I think I'll still give it another 1-2 more months of cleaner eating before I slowly try to eat some of these foods again to identify which ones are more tolerable and which are the clear no-nos. 

Anyway, ganbatte Michelle...

Don't worry too much about the weight loss...most important thing is to stabilise the stomach first and then see how it goes......Jiayou!!

Epiphany | Self-love

Epiphany by BTS' Jin has been a fav of mine since last year...
Came across an article today that recommended a list of K-songs for self-healing. And Epiphany popped up in the list, together with G-Dragon's Untitled, which I also like. 

Anyway....here are Epiphany's lyrics...


Epiphany
- BTS Jin aka Kim Seok Jin

So weird, I for sure loved you so muchAdapted to you with everything, I wanted to live my life for you
But as I keep doing that I just can't bear the storm inside my heart
The real myself inside the smiling mask, I reveal it entirely

I’m the one I should love in this worldShining me, precious soul of mineI finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautifulI’m the one I should love

I’m shaking and afraid but I keep going forwardI’m meeting the real you, hidden in the stormWhy did I want to hide my precious self like this?What was I so afraid of?Why did I hide my true self?

I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mineI finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautifulI'm the one I should love

I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things
I may not have that shy glow around me
But this is me
My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul

I wanna love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I'm the one I should love

I’m the one I should love
I’m the one I should love