That niggling feeling that doesn't seem to go away

Having restless leg syndrome or RLS for short.

Except that the naggy tingling feelings are not in my legs but in my upper arms. Read that a possible of RLS in pregnancy is due to lower levels of iron.

Does this correspond to the fact that my blood pressure is lower than usual? My health check on Monday showed lower blood pressure compared to the previous time. The doctor said it was ok and not to worry but the nurse told me to just be careful and get up slowly from a sitting or lying down position.

I think the RLS is related to my lower blood pressure.

Which explains why I'm trying to incorporate more red meat like beef and pork into my meals.
Only thing is that my dinner on weekdays, which are at my inlaws' place, tend to have little red meat....and more chicken and fish...

I can only load up on red meat during lunches or the weekend.
I've taken beef twice in the last 3 days already.....

Hope I can reverse this situation soon. This RLS is getting on my nerves, like literally.

The tingling feeling is now even appearing during the day. Not good....
It's like an itch occurring on the inside of your arms and in your muscles. You can't scratch it away. It is just there...gnawing at your patience...

bus-rides these days

As with most Singaporeans, I fight and jostle with the rush-hour crowd in the evenings.
The bus I take is usually 70-90% full by the time it reaches my bus-stop.

I got on yesterday and all priority seats were taken. I looked around at the people sitting on them.
A young schoolboy just stared back at me, a local lady averted her gaze, another lady was sleeping.
No hope there.

An old uncle. Also no hope.

An Indian man, from India and a working professional. Definitely no hope there. (I've observed that they tend to be more selfish and less gentlemanly. Is it because of their patriachal society?)

And then voila, a foreign worker gestured to me and gave his seat to me.

Thank you good man. May the Good Lord bless you.

I didn't know if he was from Sri Lanka or Bangladesh or India.

But he was the only one who gave up his seat to me.

Thank you again Sir.

==================
Bus rides these days.
A constant stress that I can't get a seat.
And a constant stress because I am too placid to ask for a seat myself.

Je dois

Je dois être fort. Je dois être heureux. 
Je dois être plus patient. Je dois sourire plus souvent.
Je dois laisser aller. Comme la phrase en Chinois "看开".

 Pour moi-meme, pour K, pour mon petite bebe, pour l'autre bebe dans moi, et pour ma famille. 
 

Oh my sleep....wherefore art thou?

5 hours of sleep the night before with one 30mins interruption somewhere in between has rendered me a zombie on this 28th day of May in year 2015.

Trying to draft an email memo touching on policy issues and because this email requires more thought and consideration, my brain has started its own protest by simply refusing to work much.

I would type one sentence (or half) and then my mind would go blank.

Hope I survive the rest of the working day.

Boo.....zzzzzz........

I suppose it's also an accumulation of lack of sleep and tiredness...

zom. bie. fied.

Work

Dynamics are changing.

The boss is leaving his post as GM in October. He will likely stay on as an advisor or consultant till Feb next year and then it is goodbye.

This has not been announced officially and not all my team mates know. But I know and the other two who are more senior (in terms of rank) than me know.


I can sense he is slowly giving some decision-making leeway to those 2 folks.

I'm not too pleased though I can't do much about it. I don't want to acquiesce to their opinions and judgement, well, at least not one of them.

For something which I thought was more operational and simple enough to decide, I made a recommendation to him and sought his concurrence. Didn't expect him to rope the other 2 in and seek their opinions as well.


Bah.

When he leaves and when the new boss comes in, it will right smack at the start of my maternity leave. Which leaves me with little chance to get to know the new boss. The rest have 4-5 months of working with him before I come back again...

While I already know who this new boss is and that he is generally an easy guy to work with....I still feel apprehensive about my future here....

New week

And this too shall pass. 

Brand new day, brand new hope, brand new wishes, brand new fulfillment. 

It's the start of a new week and I hope that it will infinitely be a better one than the week before. 

Onward we go. Jiayou!

Drama Morning

Little Baby's face and torso was covered in rashes. Went to the doc and discovered it was a common rash called Roseola which appears in children after a bout of high fever or fever that lasts several days.

Anyway, at least now I know that high irritability and crankiness is associated this condition. At least I now know the reason behind her extreme crankiness and crabbiness. Just a shake of my head or a "no" from me is enough to start a tantrum or hissy fit.

================
Came back from the doc with my father-in-law. Thank goodness he was with me.

Opened the door to see my helper, who arrived the previous afternoon, covered in sweat, breathless and pale. She had apparently felt giddiness and had vomitted 3 times.

FIL brought her to the doc while I stayed at home to look after Little Baby.

================
I already had my hands full and then an SMS came.

From the boss. $#%^#$^$#

Asking me to submit something to him by Monday and to discuss another issue with him on the same day. I told him I would not be around in office on Monday.

His reply?

"Just get it done by Mon and send something to me."

NB. $#@%$#%^%#$

And so now, Friday night close to midnight,  I am sitting on my balcony trying to concentrate and settle this piece of work. It is a tedious work item though. I fell asleep in the afternoon while attempting to work on it....

下雨了

也没想到能耐到今天才哭。原本以为两天前就会哭。还算不错啦哈哈。

哭了，放出来了，也该坚强多一点吧美金。

话

有时候很多话想说，但对方不在，话也就渐渐地流失了。

有时候，试着把话藏在心里或记在脑海里，但终于等到对方出现时，也突然发觉原来话已经被忘掉了。

有时候，或许把话写下来会比较好，但写字条还算是健康的交流和勾通方式吗？

今天有好多话想说。

this week

Many things happening within a single week.
Many discussions which have yet to take place.
Some chats/discussions I am not looking forward to.

累了。
不过路还是要走。

bits and bytes

Exasperation
Desperation
And
Mainly Sadness

Is what you feel

When your child cries uncontrollably for almost 2 whole hours and you can't seem to provide much comfort to her.

========
Little Baby
Jiayou Jiayou

Mama and Dada will jiayou with you too.

========
Motherhood

is when you keep going on
even when you lack the energy to.

========
Tummy feels a little strange now.
I hope Little Baby didn't pass anything to me.

Lost in my dream again

Little Baby caught the fever bug yesterday. Cranky the entire day and during the night, she woke several times.

In between the short hour long sleep I had between 2 of her wakings, I think I had a dream....
Same theme of being lost.

Just that this time round it wasn't in a hostel setting or a university campus setting.

I just....can't....seem to.....remember the details...and who it was with me in the dream.
Though I clearly remembered the dream in full when I just woke from it.

Mama

There are good days and there are bad days.

There are days when I feel like I am doing a shitty job as a mother.
There are days when I feel like I'm a supermom with 8 hands and 8 feet.
There are days when I question whether I am doing the right thing as a mother.

There are other days when Little Baby makes me feel like I'm on top of the world and that I'm her one and only hero.
And there are other days when she makes me feel like an insignificant person rejected by her.

There are times when I feel so exasperated and tired and spent that I just want to flop down and cry my heart out.
There are other times when I feel like I'm an energiser bunny running on nothing but love and adrenaline.

There are days I feel absolutely ugly with panda eyes, snot, sweat, bits of food and saliva slathered on me, hair in a mess of a ponytail and spectacles askew on my face.
There are other days when I manage to doll myself up a little and hence feel that little bit better about my appearance.

There are times during the night when I try to haul my groggy pregnant self out of bed because she woke and called out for me.
There are also times when I drag my feet going to her room.
There are other times when I tell myself to hang in there. She is young only once. There will come a day when she does not even want you by her side that much.

There are situations when I lose my patience and my temper and everything else in between.
There are other situations when I hold myself back, telling myself to count to 10 and be more patient and not to fly off the handle so fast. She is just 18 months once. She is just 19 months once.

There are times when I feel guilty for enrolling her in infant care and childcare or leaving her with the inlaws.
There are those others times during the weekend that I relish spending the full day with her, although I do get frustrated with her boundless energy sometimes haha.

Polarisations.
And a rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts, feelings throughout this entire motherhood journey so far.

Whatever it is, I'm doing, trying, giving my best.
As most other mothers are too. 

A pat on my back she gave me this morning when I was carrying her.
It seemed like an acknowledgement.
"Mama, you're doing ok."
"Mama, jiayou."

I am 8 days late but.....
Happy Mother's Day to me....:)

Everyday is Mother's Day, no?

Mothers' Day Art and Craft Session at Learning Vision

It was her school's Mothers' Day art and craft session. I wonder why they held it after Mother's Day itself but oh well, I still appreciated being given the opportunity to be present there and to be a part of her school activity.

I hope she had fun as much as I did :)

I asked her to smile for me but she made faces instead and this was what I captured lol. 

failed attempt! haha.

I was a little disappointed yesterday evening.

I scooted off from work 40mins earlier, without telling my boss, because I wanted to get back to my inlaws' place earlier so I could bring the little girl back home to spend more time with her.

I was happy when leaving their place at 7pm. I thought to myself "This is great! I'll get to spend at least an hour or more with her before she falls asleep."

My happiness lasted all of 10mins. She got cranky in the car on the journey back home, rubbed her eyes furiously and alternated between bouts of screaming and kicking and of tenderly laying her head on my shoulder to attempt to sleep.

When FIL dropped me off at the carpark, she was already hugging me, with her head on my left shoulder and falling asleep.

By the time I got upstairs to the apartment, it was 712pm. And she was half asleep.
By 7:15pm, she was in her bed hugging her favourite bolster and snoozing, with little sighs emanating from her from time to time.

Bleah, so in the end, I didn't get to spend time with her afterall.

The good thing was that she slept for 11 hours straight without waking, except for a brief 10 mins when I woke her slightly to feed her milk.
A miracle in itself. She's never done that before I think!

It's back again

I have a recurring dream theme.
It usually is about me getting lost and trying to find my way, either in a university hostel setting or a university school campus setting. Sometimes I am with someone else in the dream and together we try to find our way, sometimes I am alone. Rarely is K with me whenever I have these dreams.

I had one such dream last night, or rather, around 5-plus or 6am this morning.

This time, K was with me. While we didn't take too long to find the hostel room assigned to me, I took a long time instead trying to figure out which key it was that could open the door to the room. I remembered holding a bunch of different types of keys in my hand, and fumbling through them while K waited next to me.

By the time we got into the room, we were tired and just crashed onto the dusty bed to sleep. I woke earlier than him and I remembered noticing that the room was located right next to a hawker centre so I could smell char kway teow, chye tow kueh and other local delights being cooked. The air in the room was dusty, oily, musty all at the same time.

I remember recoiling at the sight of the dirty hostel room toilet, which came attached to the room.
I had no choice but to use it as is though because my bladder was almost bursting. I held my breath and balanced precariously in my flip flops on the toilet floor. I was done quickly but before I could flush the toilet, I heard a tiny muffled voice from outside the room door.....

"Mama.....mama".

And that was how the dream ended.

The little girl had woken and was calling out for me from her room...while babbling some other undecipherable words...

The clock read 610am.

Bummed

Sometimes I feel a little bummed.

That I only get to see Little Baby for an hour (or less) in the mornings from Mon to Fri.
And that out of this limited time, more than half the time is spent trying to get her ready for school and trying to get myself ready for work.
On days like this morning, I only got to see her for 20mins.
From the time I woke her and dressed her, to the time we got her out of the door, it was 20mins flat.
Some hurried kisses, some stolen hugs, some liberal slobbering (of me on her cheeks), some amount of me carrying her.

Some reluctant waving and goodbye kisses from me. 
Her big eyes looked a little forlorn and bewildered.
More goodbye waves from me, with a promise of "Mama will see you this evening ok!"

And then poof.
She was gone.

Us into a waiting cab. To go to work.
She into my inlaws' car. To go to school.

The feel of her soft skin still lingers on my lips.
The feel of her thick hair still lingers on my cheeks.
The feel of her tiny, tubby fingers reaching out and grabbing my hand still lingers on my fingers.
The smell of her babyness still lingers in my nose.
The sound of her calling out "Mama, mama!" still lingers in my ears.
The sound of her feet pitter-pattering on the floor still lingers in my mind.


Sometimes I feel a little bummed.

That I only get to see or spend time with Little Baby for an hour (or less) in the evenings from Mon to Fri.
On good days, it will be an hour or so.
On most days, it is just 30 to 45minutes.
Some days, it is just a mere 10-15minutes before she falls asleep while I bring her home from the inlaws' place.

Sometimes I feel a little bummed.

And I am sure K feels the same way.
Especially when most weekday nights he doesn't get to see her, unless I call him on FaceTime.

Is this the agony of working parents? Of those working parents who hold a 9 to 6pm full-time job?

Monday morning sighs

Could do without the extra worries and effort trying to get other caregivers to be on the same path of thinking as us and to adhere to the parameters we have set...

I'm grateful for the help given. But sometimes...sigh. 

========

The little girl is refusing to change clothes in the mornings since last week. Always results in some measure of struggle, fussing, fighting and crying before she gets changed. 

Hope it gets better soon. 

It's been a stressful time for her with the transition from infant care to toddler class. 

Bus rides

This is the second time something like this has happened to me.

Erm I'm seated on the bus and now that there're more people than seats, people are standing. There's a guy in front of me. 

In tight jeans.

And his fly is undone. 

Erm but I can't tell him....at least not in front of so many people? 

Err...

.....no words

Swallow. Breathe in. Breathe out. Swallow.

忍气。

Swallowing my words as well. 

Down but hanging in there

When the going gets tough

The tough gets going

But....I'm just a whiny wimpy woman. 

So how?

Suck thumb and cry?

Or give myself a pat on the back once in awhile to remind myself that I'm still doing ok?

Or give myself other reminders that sometimes I need not expect too much of myself? 

Or fuck care everything? (Knowing myself, this probably won't fly)

Or.....

A small liberation of sorts

On half day PM leave today. 

Been quite awhile since I did this. 

Feels quite liberating actually haha. I left office with a smile on my face. :)

Wish I could do this more often but I need to ration my leave and save them for use later on after I deliver. 

bubble simmer bubble simmer

Frustrations over certain issues.

Do I try to silently accept the things I cannot change or for which I have no control over?
Do I try to change my own mindset instead?

I have tried changing my own mindset for an issue and was pretty okay with it.....till tiredness crept in and sort of brought me back to square one.

I will try my best not to let these frustrations morph into resentment.
Because I am afraid when it does, I will become an unhappy person, more morose and negative than the dark me already is.

Oh bugger, is this causing more wrinkles?

Thank you Uncle....

Thank you cab uncle, for noticing my discomfort and the fact that I was feeling abit down, and for initiating a chat with me. 

You cheered me up alot and for that I am thankful.

I did not manage to get your name but you can be sure you have touched my heart and left an impression on me, however fleeting our connaissance was.

Thank you again and I wish you well.
Drive safe on this rainy rainy Wednesday morning.

Hurrah!

I am feeling really happy.
Many good news and celebratory events happening this year to both K and my closest friends.

TH - just got married and got their flat all done up already
PQ - her princess is arriving today!
Ding - going to propose within the next month or two and who knows? maybe a recep or banquet will be coming very soon!
Ah pui - Wedding banquet at the end of this year
Ms Tan - just received news that her bf proposed to her last month, they are getting the keys to their flat this Thursday and a wedding recep will be held by the end of this year!

Keep the good news coming....:)
Whee!

Peanut

Peanut seems a pretty strong baby. I could feel its kicks when it was only 3 months plus into gestation and now at 4.5 months I can actually see my tummy move when it gives one of its stronger kicks.

Grow well Teeny Baby. 

That's what K calls it. I'll stick to Peanut. Lesser syllables haha. 

Food glorious food

This mama seems to have done something right with the little one's food menu this weekend. She finished most of her food and said they were nice when I asked her. My fussiest critic has given me her marks of approval! Lol...

Friday: 

Rice with chicken stew. There were onions, garlic, carrots, potato, chinese white cabbage and radish in the stew. 

She finished the entire portion of rice I gave her plus the stew. When I asked her whether it was nice, she nodded and drawled "nice....". My heart soared lol.

Saturday:

Fried rice with egg, long beans and potato. Her reaction was more lukewarm compared to the chicken stew but at least she took most of whatever portion I had scooped out for her. :) 

Sunday:

Baby pasta in minestrone soup. In a bid to keep things interesting for the sake of variety and to expose her to different types of food and preparation styles, I ventured into the unknown and made minestrone soup for the first time in my entire life. I had discovered that she seemed to like tomato sauce/paste and decided to try making minestrone. I added tomatoes, long beans, onions, garlic, carrots and celery. I had bought zucchini as well but decided at the last moment not to add it in as there seemed to be too much ingredients already. After I gave her her first spoonful, she asked for more. I was so happy! 

This mama's a happy lark. :D

Now on to planning for her food menu for next weekend...Hmm....shepherd's pie? Kway teow soup? Fried mee sua?