The Girls

N had a monumentally bad day last Friday. One of those days when anything & everything somehow didn’t go well. From some of her lessons sitting next to an annoying boy, to dance practice being very annoying, to her dance costume being very annoyingly ill-fitting and yada yada…

She reached home late around 6 or 615pm. Face was black and by the time she came upstairs & saw me, her mood was foul. Threw her stuff on the floor, started complaining to me, and then bawled big time. Sat on the floor and threw a tantrum, while still bawling.

Felt quite bad for her at the time. Offered a hug but was rejected. Ok so we’re at the age where hugs are “icky” unless initiated by her….Anyway, glad I managed to 误打误撞 that same night and managed to manually sew & alter her dance costume to fit her better. That helped ease her mind quite a fair bit.  

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It was A’s turn to have a bad bad day yesterday. She did not get into the Prefectorial Board Exco though she was initially shortlisted for a group interview. And…according to her, she was wrongfully scolded by her Science teacher for daydreaming in class. She said she was not doing that at all and felt very 委屈 about being called out & scolded in front of the whole class for something she did not do.

A classmate had also been borrowing items from her and “throwing” things back on her desk after using them. She’d been feeling fairly annoyed and upset with this classmate’s behaviour & interrruptions as well.

She was glum the entire evening right up till bedtime when she spent 15mins plus sharing her feelings with me.

I sat with her & listened. Also offered some potential solutions, which on hindsight I wondered if I should have given or not. Perhaps she only needed a listening ear.

Parenting

I hope I am guiding the girls well enough in life. 

I wonder at times if I am too lax in certain areas or too strict in other areas.

I hope I equip them with enough knowledge and tips to handle their physical, emotional, mental changes as they transition from tweenhood to teenagehood, from primary school to secondary school, from being fully sheltered to now slowly exploring the world on their own.

A little bit more each day I see the babyness fading away. 

A little bit more each day I let go.

A little bit more each day I wonder how long more before they start rejecting my hugs or don't need them anymore. 

Conversations with the Tween & the Teenager

And so...the soon-to-be 13yr-old told me last night while fiddling with my jiggly flabby thighs & calves.

N: "Mama...so jiggly!! You want to try Taichi Walking? I saw the ads on YouTube."

Me: "You know those videos are AI-generated right?"

N: "Is it? Anyway, no harm giving it a try. But ok lah, jiggly is cute too." *continues giggling while shaking my flabby lower limbs"

And the soon-to-be 11yr-old followed up with:

A: "Mama is jiggly....Jigglypuff!! Mama can be jigglypuff! Pokemon jigglypuff is cute!"

救命啊....

Frank

"Oh I thought I saw Auntie Diana just now! She looked quite 'auntie'."

So said the big one. 

"Really? I didn't see her. I'm also quite auntie."

Was my response.

"You're more auntie."

Ouch.  :( :( :(

有时候不用那么直接也是件好事 lol....

Dance Mama

And...it was dance competition weekend again. 

Of false eyelashes & eyeliner. Of eyeshadow & lipstick. Of hairspray & gel. Of u-pins & netting.

Of getting her to the venue at least 1.5hrs before the performance time. And then playing the waiting game and hanging around till the performance time before going in to watch that <5mins of performance. 

But...if it's for her...

K & I & Mei Mei will do what we can to support her.

At a crossroads now. 

She likes it but it's taking up alot of time. 

Between schoolwork and dance, something's gotta give...even if not giving up totally but at least adjusted slightly....it will have to be dance that needs to be adjusted. School cannot be compromised. We're in Singapore. You're in the rat race the moment you're born. 

Will need to cut down on dance commitments for the next dance season. Either we skip it the competitions totally, or we just commit to 2 or 3 group dances hmm. 

Talk

N & I had a talk a couple of nights ago. I can’t recall how it started and everything.

But we touched on some of her frustrations and big feelings. How she feels we all love A more and think A is better, how A always gets away with things, how when N & A are being rowdy but N is the one who gets the scolding…and then it morphed into other issues like how K is too strict, and how I am too grouchy/grumpy at times, and how she misses our own space at Blu-Coral, etc…

I apologized and shared with her that I am still learning as a mother. I may not be right all the time and I have my own failings. But I’m trying and will keep trying to improve myself as well. I did share that it was sometimes very difficult to talk to her especially when she was having an “attitude”, and how it made me feel a little sad when she snapped at me or didn’t want anything to do with me. I spoke of how I felt her attitude toward me had a big shift in 2023. From having had a 免死金牌 from her…to me being somewhat like a baddie

I guess being abit more open with each other helps?

As the kids grow, and I get older (and more grumpy), I guess it’s a constant effort having to adjust to how to interact with them…

Just thankful that they are still open to sharing things with me...

Of poetry and homework

One part of N's English homework today involved a creative assignment. I liked the assignment. So fun!

But it was pek chek trying to guide the teen. All I got was "I dunno! I dunno! Ugh! I dunno!" zzzzz....

She had to write a poem of at least 5 lines, with the first line being a line of lyrics from a song. The other subsequent lines had to be original lines formed by herself. 

Anyway, after much guidance, suggestions, advice from K & I.....

1st line coming from her fav pop song currently "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne....

And voila........an emo, slightly angsty piece!

Don’t leave me hanging

Tangled in my dreams

After all that I’ve done for you

What have you left me

Nothing

But rivers of tears

2 Jan

The start of Nadya's secondary school journey. 

K accompanied her by train to school and trudged up the hill with her to get to AHS. 

Peanut & I surprised her at the MRT station when she came home after school. I got her a cup of bubble tea from Chi Cha San Chen as a small motivation haha. Glad she was happy & surprised to see us there. And glad too that she had a good (though boring) 1st day at school. 

Happy that 5 other kids from the same primary school were in the same Sec 1 class as her. She knew 3 of them and 2 girls were actually from her P1 & P2 class! Small world! At least she doesn't have to start from scratch and already knows some kids in class. I hope this helps with the transition into secondary school. 

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I asked her the night before if she was nervous and was surprised to hear that she was actually excited about going into secondary school. :) Happy to hear this. 

May her secondary school journey be a smooth-going and happy one!

Paris & London

Family Trip! 4 Dec - 15 Dec 2025

This is my 4th time in Paris...2008, 2010, 2011 and 2025. 

80% of the stuff we did or the places we went to, I'd already experienced haha. It was more for the girls, especially Nadya, who's had more "exposure" to French stuff cos she uses some French words in her ballet learning journey. Alyssa found Paris mostly boring, Nadya could appreciate the history & culture more. 

• Going up the Eiffel Tower was a blast for the girls. They were so tickled by the strong winds. Alyssa got slightly blown off balance too haha. 
• Notre Dame Cathedral was boring for Alyssa but sort of interesting for Nadya who could better appreciate the architecture and history behind some things. 
• The trip up to see the Basilique du Sacre Coeur and have a great view of the city was a little challenging as it was raining (and hence cold & damp) but the girls had fun struggling with their umbrellas and the strong winds lol. Nadya's brolly flipped over so many times haha. We chose not to go in to the cathedral. 
• It was a brief walk at Champs Elysees, then a quick look at Arc du Triomphe. It was my first time walking beneath the Arc though. I'd never known that there were underground linkways there. We had a quick visit to Galaries Lafayette as well, my first time there, and yet another short visit to the Trocadero, specifically the Eiffel Tower Viewing Point. Seeing the tower at night from such a nice viewing point was a first for me and much enjoyable. Alyssa was grouchy throughout most of this night though lol...she was cold, and bored and could not appreciate these sights. 
• We went on a Bateaux Moches river cruise on the Seine as well. I found this boring though...Alyssa too haha. Nadya was counting the number of bridges we passed by so I guess she quite liked the cruise. 
• Fav meal in Paris = our lunch at an Italian restaurant near the Lourve. It's called Enza Famiglia. Pasta was superb. My gnocchi was so delicious!

This is my 2nd time in London. 2010 and 2025. 

Alyssa found this place more fun, possible also because we did more activities that she could understand or that she found interesting. 

• Christmas at Kew Gardens was a light installation event at Kew Gardens, fairly far from where we stayed at King's Cross. The trail took so long to walk through. I think it was definitely more than 1h30mins. It also rained a little at the start so it was quite cold. We were struggling to open and shut our umbrellas at some point as it drizzled heavily, then stopped, then started again zzz. The girls & I were knackered. My face was probably as grouchy as theirs lol. 
• The trip to Harry Potter Warner Brothers Studio was a highlight for me. I'm not a huge fan of the series but it was interesting for me. While the girls were interested, they weren't extremely excited as well lol. But I guess it was still nice enough for them. We got them wands from the gift shop (sibei ex). 
• We did a tour of the Paradox Museum too. This was fun too and the girls really liked this place. Something like the Trick Eye Museum Singapore has. 
• We had a brief walk through the 1st floor of Harrods, also shopped briefly at Soho district.
• Visited the Light Room near King's Cross for an immersive experience about dinosaurs. I like this one but it lasted just an hour or so....so I felt the tickets were not too value for money. 
• The Natural History Museum was so-so...Alyssa felt bored again lol though some of the fossil exhibits were interesting. 
• I initially planned to see the Changing of the Guards outside Buckingham Palace but switched to bringing the girls to the Changing of the Guards at the Horse Guards instead, just down the road from 10 Downing Street. Lesser crowds, easier for them to view and no need to go an hour earlier just to get good viewing spots. 
• Fav meal in London = there's a couple actually! Haha...one was dinner at Rex Cross, near King's Cross station. My grilled chicken was amazing. Even K agreed it was one of the best he's had. The pastas the rest ordered were excellent too! We had nice fish & chips at The Mayfair Chippy, opposite Harrods at Knightsbridge. Alyssa loved this place. And....we had very nice udon at Kineya Mugimaru at St Pancras International Station on our last day in London. The warm udon hit the right spot cos it was a cold day. We liked it so much we had breakfast, and then went back there for lunch on the same day lol.

Thankful for the family time... :)

Not so thankful for the day at Eiffel Tower when my Whatsapp was buzzing alot due to something that happened in office which affected my team lol...Still, am thankful my team could handle it pretty much without me.  

AHS

Jiejie got herself into Anglican High! 

It was quite a rush settling her textbooks (thanks to K for ordering them online the moment we got the confirmed school posting results lol), her new school shoes, and more importantly, her new uniforms. 

I hope her secondary school journey will be as fun as mine. I hope she finds herself a good bunch of friends like I did (thankfully). I hope she starts to 开窍 abit more and grows more disciplined in her studies. I hope it'll be a great, smooth 4 years ahead for her!! 

Wonder what they call AHS kids? Anglicanian? Anglicanite? AHS-ian?

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On Xmas Eve, we showed her how to take the bus & then walk to school.  It's a long walk to school 12/13minutes without her school bag. If she's having a school bag, my guess is it will take longer. Not too bad if it's just a gentle slope or flat ground....thing is, there's a gentle slop for most of the way and then the last 200-300m is a steep slope to the school's main gate. 

I was struggling that day and silently cursing in my head when traversing up the steep slope....I think after a month of walking to school each day, she'll be super fit. Jiayou Nadya!! lol...

Another 聊 session

In the midst of PSLE exams. Started on 25 Sep Thursday. Ending this Wednesday 1 Oct. 

I hope N is doing ok and not feeling too stressed out. 

She & I had a little talk last night. She could not sleep and asked if I was angry with her as I spoke gruffly to her before I turned off the lights in their bedroom. 

Explained to her that I was getting impatient and thus used a sterner tone with her as she was procrastinating alot and delaying bed time. It is a challenge getting her to brush her teeth & prep for bed. Once, twice, thrice. Multiple times of nagging. And even after she brushes her teeth, it takes ages again for her to get her bed ready. From placing the bolster in a certain way, to the blanket being laid out in a certain way, and the water bottle and watch and clock and her glasses being in certain spots on the shelf on her beadboard, etc. It tests my patience each night. 

Her response? "But it's not my fault."

Hard to talk to her sometimes. 

Hope to find a different way to get through.

Nevertheless, we ended the conversation in a good way with hugs & cuddles & some kisses....and she did not go to bed feeling bad. Glad that at least we 说开了 abit and she did not go to bed with 隔夜仇. 

Mother-Daughter Talk

Had a talk with N last night. A heartfelt one. Been a long long time since I had such a talk with her. 

And I felt strangely at peace while talking to her. I was not judgemental, I was not impatient, I was not trying hard to quell my own bad feelings.  

She spoke most of the time. About how annoyed she was with A, how her parents (yes she referred to her parents in 3rd person form even though I was there) were biased against her, how everyone loves the younger one but does not like the older one, etc. She talked about how A is good in class, is a teacher's pet, is a Brownie and is a prefect, how A seems better at most things, etc. How it is unfair that sometimes A annoys her and starts an argument but the one getting scolded in the end is not A but N, etc...She spoke on how she wanted to scold cuss words at home but could not, how she wanted to throw things or hit something but could not. 

I understood her 委屈, frustrations, anger and annoyance. I shared some anecdotes on how she could vent or let out her frustrations, etc. Also shared how she should not do anything to hurt or injure herself in the process.... 

Inwardly, I felt I could have done better as a parent...sigh...to minimise feelings of "comparisons", to be there for each of them in my own ways, etc...I will try...

Kpop Demon Hunters

The latest craze from which we are not spared.

Thanks to the kids. 

Their friends were talking about it, and singing songs from the movie. Their cousins were watching it and the girls watched too when we were at Adrian's place. 

I "took" a crash course some nights ago. I googled and watch some youtube videos. 

Need to do some homework lah, so I can speak their girls' lingo & understand what they're into. And so I now know some songs from the movie too...heh, and I know enough about some of the characters to carry on a decent enough conversation about the movie lol. 

Oh, parenting!

A day of many happenings...

Was in the midst of a talk on AI film-making when I got a text from K saying that A was at home cos she'd fallen in school during PE. Though her scratches and abrasions weren't too serious, her PE teacher still sent her back home. 

Got home after work and saw that her chin had a big bruise/abrasion. I hope it doesn't leave any scar. Her left knee had another big patch of scratches and a circular wound. The other knee had a smaller abrasion and the back of her left hand had another smaller abrasion. Hope none of these leave any scar. 

I need to get new gauze and surgical tape tomorrow....

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N had her vocational intermediate exams this morning! Hope she does well enough. Poor girl had to wake early to get her hair done by me cos I had to go to work today. Her exam was only at 9-plus but her hair was all done up at 715am lol. But I guess she was happy she got to skip school. ;p 

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K received 2 emails today, both informing that N has been shortlisted and would need to go for her DSA auditions within the next one week. :) Yay! Hope she gets through at least one of them! Fingers & toes crossed! Now to prep her for interview questions, self-introduction, etc...

CBT & visualisation

Several things happened before the girls' bedtime last night. 

N was still taking her own time getting ready as usual. 

I was already in their room with A and doing my usual goodnight wishes to A. We somehow got to talking about handling & regulating our own feelings and emotions. A mentioned she'd imagine herself as a big & strong horse with all bad thoughts & stuff scrunched up into a ball at her feet. She'd use a strong hoof and squash that ball of bad stuff into a flat piece as a thin as a piece of paper and then kick it away. That flat piece of bad stuff would then float away in the wind never to be seen again. 

I was surprised. I'd never taught her about visualisation or imagery. I told her then about visualisation techniques and how therapists teach adults how to do this as a way to have a better grip on their emotions. I told her she was good & "clever" to already know this at such a young age and that some adults don't know about this. Case in point, laoniang only learnt this method during therapy 6yrs ago lol. 

As if on cue...N came in and started kicking up a fuss. She'd been feeling emo & scared ever since she watched a few minutes of an odd and creepy Korean horror drama at Adrian's place earlier in the evening. She got increasingly difficult to handle and was working herself into a frenzy. She was bawling loudly by then. So much so that I had to take her out the room and make her stay in my room instead. Else A would not be able to sleep. 

I apologised to A...who grumbled "Why does she have to always throw such tantrums? Just don't think about bad thoughts lah! If the show is bad, then don't watch, right??!" Wise words from the small one. Earlier in the night she'd sensed that the show was creepy and opted not to watch it. Anyway, I digressed. 

I had to leave A alone in their bedroom to tend to N. In the short 2-3 mins I spent apologising to A, N had stopped bawling. She was sitting on my bed, leaning against my pillows & bolster and just staring into space. Occasionally sniffling abit. Probably stuck in a rut. I snapped my fingers and got her to wipe her face with a tissue and tidy up her hair abit. Also got her to sit up straighter. 

And then spent the next 30minutes giving her a mini CBT session. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I tried to teach her what I'd learnt last time from my own therapy sessions. Understanding that thoughts affect your feelings and emotions which then affect your actions...and sometimes your actions feed back into your thoughts and then it becomes an endless loop. I shared with her visualisation techniques how to better control your thoughts. And how to perhaps then replace those thoughts with more neutral or happier ones. I reminded her again about breathing and how focusing on it could help to calm oneself down. 

I tried my best lah. Teaching a 12-yr-old these things...and using language that she understands...I may not have done CBT much justice but I tried. And more importantly, I hope N gets it and finds a suitable way to regulate herself. 

I also shared with her that visualisation might be difficult to do in the beginning but it gets better with time and practice...I hope she remembers to try it out.

拿备

I thought having "I hate you" said to me by my kid was the ultimate. 

Never in my life did I expect to hear "You are not my mother." 
When all I did was to get them to go to bed. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong person. 

Nabeh. 一山比一山高 is it? 老娘 is carrying a 12cm scar across my abdomen cos of you lor. 

Nair mind. 

Laoniang take deep breaths. 

Laoniang will take as many deep breaths as she needs. 

This too shall pass. 

Kids/Tweens/Angst

Everything happens for a reason. 

Happened to have a chat with a lady from another department in the office. She shared something with me "Kids are ungrateful. Don't take it personally." She emphasised that she meant it with no malice...but just as something factual...a matter of fact. We were probably assholes to our parents at some point in the past. Just a matter of how big or small of an asshole we each were that's all I guess. 

N was very frustrated last night. PSLE coming. Her days are filled with revisions. And when she wanted to chill abit at night, her phone somehow could not work well. Frustration and anger set in. Guess who bore the brunt of it?

I happened to step into the room at the time to ask her to get ready for bed. She told me to shut up. I belted out "What did you say??!!" She instantly broke down and cried, and apologised to me. It was only a short while later when she was in the bedroom again and I was wishing A good night and tucking her into bed first. N was muttering stuff under her breath. 

I caught this phrase she uttered "You are not my mother."  

It was strange. I didn't blow my top. I was calm, and nicely asked her to repeat herself. "Come again, what did you say? Can you say that again please?" 

Silence. 

She started crying again, letting out her frustration (despair?). I sat there with her on her bed. A tried to sayang me & give me a hug. She'd heard it too, and she whispered to me "Mama, I heard. I don't want you to be sad." I assured her I was ok and made her lie down again.  

N started voicing out some of her sad, angry thoughts. Amidst spluttering, sniffling and snot wiping. Somewhere in between....I'm unsure but I thought I heard a "sorry" to me being said as well. Some silent moments in between as well. I shared with her too that it was not nice to say mean things and what she said was quite hurtful. 

Things tapered off and ended. N & I hugged and I offered to play each girl a song of their choice before they finally went to bed. A declined the offer. N asked for Adele's "When We Were Young". Emo song. While it was playing, I then felt the impact of the words she said. The lights were out by then. And I felt safe to start crying. Silently. To myself. Forced myself to stop by the end of the song. 

N then asked for "The Humming Song". A tune I hummed to them to put them to bed with ever since they were babies...They still ask for it once in a blue moon. Last night was that blue moon. 

I hummed it for them for awhile...before I stopped when they were fidgeting less in their beds...

PSLE

Was looking through the PSLE dates and putting them into K & my joint calendar. 

Tis the year....

Wondering if I should take leave on those exam days...

The Humming Song

Alyssa made a request last night before bed.

“Mama, can you hum for us tonight? It’s been a long time since you did it and when you hum I feel happier. I can sleep better too because it makes me feel safe and happy. And it makes me feel loved. I really like it. Can you hum for us tonight please?”

And so I did.

I hummed that tune which I came up with back when they were 1 & 3 yrs old I think. It's an improvised  draggy version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star....I used to do it every night for a period of time when they were still little. As they grew up, I did it less & less often till it kind of faded away and was not included as part of the bedtime routine anymore.

From time to time now though, one of them would still ask me to hum that tune before bed…

I hope they remember the tune in their heads…maybe they can hum it to their own kids next time….

Morton's

K wanted the girls to try a more fine dining experience. And, the last he & I went to Morton's Singapore was more than 10 years ago. And, he was craving for beef....

And so we went this evening. Lol....

Food was good like what we remembered. 

The asparagus side dish was a little off for me though. N loved the onion bread & had tons of it. The girls shared a salmon main. A tried some of K's beef and really liked it. That's my girl! A meat-eater! hahaha...N as usual stuck to fish, breads & dessert, and refused any form of red meat (that is not cured or processed) lol. 

We had a bacon & onion mac & cheese side dish which turned out to be nice but quite "jelak". We didn't manage to finish it and dabao-ed it home. 

A requested to come back again for her 10th birthday...Errrr...we said "see how"....I calculated, the bill could probably feed our family of 4 around 15-17 sessions of McDonald's.