Today

It was a little scary. To have felt so out of sorts and out of breath this morning in office.

I'd taken the bus and trudged the 800m or so to the office building. I had to sit down when I reached the basement carpark. And I did, for a good 10mins. I could feel my heart pumping furiously. My heart rate was averaging 92 or so a minute. (Yes I physically felt for my pulse and counted it)

When I thought I could make the final "trek" up to my office, I did so slowly. By the time I reached my desk, I couldn't talk. Breathless and nauseous. A colleague came to speak to me but I could only stare at her a little and wave her off. I couldn't even muster a smile. I felt like if I'd moved my lips at all, bile would come spewing forth. I'm glad she understood that I was not dissing her and that I was feeling unwell. 

I thought I was feeling that way because I'd not taken breakfast yet and so I dredged up some strength to pluck my sandwich from my bag and started munching on it. The bread only helped a little. 

I was sitting there, half reading emails, half surfing the net and all the time trying to get my breath back. It was a good hour or so before I could talk some bit. By then I'd already half decided to grab a cab home. PQ happened to text me at that moment and she told me to go home too. 

I slept much today. An hour plus during lunch time and another hour plus before dinner. 

It is night now and while I am better, I am still actually feeling quite tired and rather bushed. The nausea has dissipated but it comes and goes. 

I didn't interact much with Little Baby tonight. Mainly because I lacked the energy to. She had clung on to me like a koala bear when my father-in-law and helper first brought her home. Apparently, she'd thought I was waiting for her in the car when they brought her out of my in-laws' house but when she discovered that I was not in the car at all, she kicked up a big fuss and wailed all the way on the journey home. When they reached my place, she was quiet and subdued in my father-in-law's arms. It was obvious she's been crying and was still visibly upset. Spent a good 15 quiet minutes soothing her before she became her normal mischievous self again. 

I hope I'll be better tomorrow. 

Of transitions and......sleep.....and thoughts......

We had been wanting to transition Little Baby from her cot to her new bed for quite awhile but didn't get a chance to get round to it.

2 nights ago, in the middle of the night, she woke up feeling unwell and upset. She was cranky and looked to me to carry and comfort her. Being the whale that I am now, I couldn't carry her for long and chose to sit on the edge of her new bed instead, while hugging her in my arms. It soothed her for only a little while before she started fussing again. I was bushed and ended up placing her on her new bed while my mind frantically thought of ways to soothe her.

I started singing her favourite song (Wheels on the Bus) softly and patting her. Miraculously, she fell back to sleep. Right there on her new bed.

And so, that was how we started her transition.

I am glad she took to sleeping in her bed well enough. No refusals or anything. Although she does get distracted by the realisation that she has more freedom now and can climb down from the bed anytime she wants to. :)

===============

It had been a different night last night. She had been an energiser bunny who kept going till 1015pm. She usually sleeps around 830 or 9pm.

When she finally fell asleep, I was tired. So I just sat next to her bed for a breather and stared at her...

She was in her favourite sleeping position, on her side, with one arm wrapped around her bolster and that same little hand clutching a small red teddy bear my Mum had bought for her from Korea. Her fluffy hair spilled out behind her head, with small clumps of it stuck to her exposed cheek and wisps of it trailing her forehead. Her knees were bent and apart but further down her little feet met up again,little toes of one foot touching the other's heel ever so lightly. She slowly fell into a steady rhythmic breathing, her body moving slightly with each breath intake.

I continued looking at her.

When did my little puffball morph into something more like a little person?

She's even sleeping in her own bed now. No longer using a baby's cot. Maybe in a year's time she'll no longer be using diapers.

She is articulating her needs and voicing her thoughts to us now. And also describing stories to us now. At least to the best she can while limited by her vocabulary and lack of grammar.

She's growing up fast. Too fast.

While I am excited at her growing up and also her learning journey, I can't help but also feel some loss.

Her baby fats are melting away slowly. Everyday she is getting older, everyday she is less of a baby and more of a toddler, a child, a little person.

Do all parents feel this way? :)

Long Night

Expected it.

And expected that I would also need to try to find a way to carry her such that it wouldn't hurt my back or Peanut nestled in me. 

Just went through an hour long episode with her. I'm beat. I've put on 11kg so far, plus her current 11.5kg that's 22.5kg in total. 

Hope she gets well soon.

Her falling sick once a month for the last 4 months is extremely worrying. Sigh. 

Jiayou Little Baby. 

Mama will Jiayou with you too....

Birthday Celebration Preparations!

Since Little Baby's birthday will coincide with the time I am in confinement, I decided to hold her birthday celebration in school 2 months earlier lol.

Preps are underway and going well. All I need to do is to order the cupcakes. 

Goodie bags just arrived today and I added boxes of raisins to them. Snacks for her friends. Why do kids like raisins Ah? Lol....

Of online shopping, Terrariums & Gardening!

Been on a roll recently.

The amount of things I've ordered from Qoo10!

I cannot resist buying things related to terrarium building. I just discovered a local seller on Qoo10 who is carrying the most comprehensive terrarium-related paraphernalia and tools I can find in Singapore. I went a little bonkers and bought numerous items from her.

Only thing now is...how to find time to do up terrariums ah? Lol...I still have terrarium holders (glass ones) from previous purchases which are lying empty and have not been filled with love and plants yet.

Now that we're getting our own table and chairs for our own balcony (like finally after a whole year!!!), I think I shall put that table to good use! :)

Terrarium making akan datang!

And also, now that we're doing up our balcony finally, I think I need to start populating it with some pots and plants and maybe some of my open-air terrariums...:)
Otherwise the balcony will just look so drab and lifeless....some greenery will do it good. :)

Yay!
Something to look forward to!

Now....all I need is to find the time......

Hmm.....

That's um....challenging......

Hopefully I get to do some of these before Peanut arrives.

And hopefully also during my maternity leave.....

Earlier this morning :))

Reminder to Self

She is young only this once.

Tomorrow, she is one day older.
Tomorrow, today's moment has passed.

Be present.
Be thankful.
Be content.

I am her go-to person now...
When Dada scolds, she bawls, screams for "mama!" and runs to me.
A hug and a kiss and a stroke of her head and she feels better.

She then scurries away again.
In search of her drawing or musical or cuddly wiggly toys.
Or she searches for her Dada again, in spite of having rejected and pushed him away just minutes before.

I am grateful.
I am in love.
And I am still amazed at how K and I created this lovely little girl.

She can be a hard, stubborn and spirited nut at times.
A small but powerful ball of flailing, kicking limbs and screaming, screeching lungs.
A force to reckon with.

It's at times like these when we get tried and tested.
In all our tiredness and sleep-deprived state.
Our patience, our stamina, our grit, stretched and pulled in every direction possible.

Tempers flare, egos get trampled upon, sensitivities and mindfulness go out the window.
But we have to pause and breathe.
And we have to remind ourselves that.

She is young only this once.
Tomorrow, she is one day older.
Tomorrow, today's moment has passed.

I feel proud.
I feel happy.
I feel excited.

To see her grow.
To see her smile and run around.
To see her learn and explore and test the world around her.

I take heart in knowing that she finds comfort in my presence.
In knowing that she thinks of mama when she feels upset.
And in knowing that I am able to hold her close and cuddle her and offer her comfort and security.

Who knows how long this will last?
There will come one day when she will go to her Dada instead.
Or her friends, or her boyfriend, or ......

And so.
Be present, thankful and content.
Yes.

She is young only this once.
Tomorrow, she is one day older.
Tomorrow, today's moment has passed.

Today's Checkup

A combination of drinking less water and eating a lot more chocolate KitKat and Chips Ahoy cookies and drinking more NutriTea beverages has led to me having a higher level of sugar in my urine.

As evidenced by my health checkup today at the gynae's. 

My sugar level is usually pristine, as is my blood pressure. 

Anyway, the gynae waved off the results with a nonchalant hand but the nurse told me to drink more water. 

Note to self: 

Cut down on the Chips Ahoy chocolate cookies and the KitKat!

Drink less NutriTea! (For this I blame K for introducing their beverage products to me lol) 

Proud Mama

Little baby suddenly started mouthing off a whole string of words a few nights ago. And then I realised...those were the lyrics of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". She recited the entire song!

Ok, so she was relatively out of tune and she mangled up some words......But still! She recited the entire song!

Proud of her....

So, at 21 months:

• She can rote-count from 1 to 10
• She can recite the full lyrics of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
• And fill in the lyrics to some other nursery songs and rhymes like Humpty Dumpty, The Wheels on the Bus, Row Your Boat, Old MacDonald, etc...
• She can speak in 3 or 4-word sentences...
• She pretty much understands what we are saying most of the time
• Her active word usage seems to be in the 80-100 word range now
• She can say her "please" and "thank yous", although she needs to be prompted to do so 
• While she's not so keen on the alphabet, she can fill in some of the blanks when we sing the song for her 

I don't know if this is considered progressing normally or what.
I'm just happy she's learning and progressing! :)

Feeling

A little frustrated and restless.

Many things to do and consider and plan. And errands to run. And yet I don't feel like doing anything. 

Can't put a finger on it. 

Doesn't help that I am getting the "restless leg syndrome" quite often these days. It gets uncomfortable and irksome. A creepy-crawly niggling sensation in my upper arms, deep within the bones and muscles. It's hard to describe. Stretching helps alleviate the sensations for only a short while before they start again. 

Badly need a haircut. Horrible split ends. And it's reaching my lower back. Need to chop it before Peanut arrives. I've been trying to find the chance to. 

Been having nightmares and other unpleasant dreams over the last couple of nights as well. Even though Little Baby miraculously slept through last night, I feel as if I've only had snippets of rest. I don't remember any of the dreams. Except one involved a whole bunch of Rohingyas, the ostracised race and culture which has been in the news recently. And another dream had myself featured in it. I was a bad-ass in it. With a hugeass tribal tattoo covering my left shoulder. (like ???!!)

Need to do this and that and make sure things are settled soon. 

Too many things floating around in my mind. It's getting convoluted and disorganized. 

Many I should sit myself down and write it all down. 

To do up a to-do list is on my to-do list. 

Makes sense? 

是有那么一点点pek chek. 

Suck thumb. 

Try my best. 

Whatever. 

Ganbatte.

Yes, jiayou!

Local Youtubers

This is probably something few of my friends are in touch with. Or maybe I am just making an assumption. :)

I am loving our local youtubing scene these days. Getting quite vibrant and creative. Check these people out if you have the chance to....

Night Owl Cinematics
Wah Bananas
Eden Ang
Tosh Zhang
TreePotatoes
Gentle Bones (his songs are really good...and I only just discovered him...)

and the list goes on...

Once you start on a channel...you start to realise they are actually a pretty close-knit group supporting each other....and then you find out that there's more and more of them....

Some individuals in the above organisations have their own individual channels which are pretty good too....

A Poem. Of Sorts.

Prata craving.
Prata craving.
Prata craving.

Chips Ahoy craving.
Chips Ahoy craving.
Chips Ahoy craving.

Shepherd's pie craving.
Shepherd's pie craving.
Shepherd's pie craving.

嘴巴痒
嘴巴痒
嘴巴痒

Ed the Buddy

I've known Ed since 1999 when we were were freshmen in uni. Somehow we ended up in the same hostel. Somehow we clicked. Somehow we ended up in the same 1st year business tutorial classes. Somehow we both ended up majoring in Marketing. And somehow we ended up being Final Year Project mates.

A lot of somehows haha. Fated to be friends I guess.

I remember the time he accompanied me in a campus security car to identify some Bangladeshi worker from a lineup of suspects. That worker had flashed at me twice on separate occasions. -_-''

I remember the times when we skipped lectures to sip milo in the school canteen.

I remember all the times I was his Aunt Agony. For all his relationship woes and tribulations. Till now actually hahaha.

We didn't keep in touch frequently after we graduated but our friendship was one that was strong enough to withstand long periods of non-communication haha. He spent 4 years working overseas and we hardly communicated during that time. Yet we are still good friends now.

We've even more in common now that his son is just 6 weeks younger than Little Baby.

He popped by my office for lunch earlier on and I had a good 2hour lunch with him. Going over things like kids and jobs, to parents and in-laws and cultural differences (his wife is non-local).

Thankful for having him as a friend. :)
One of those friends where things just pick from where we left off previously without missing a single beat.

Where did the time go?

Someone asked me this morning when I was going to start my maternity leave.
I replied that it should be around mid-September.

And then it hit me.

Damn, that's only like 2months and a week more to go....

OMG.

Only 8-9 weeks left to start of ML and maybe 10-11 weeks left before delivery.

ZOMG.

Open Letter 2

Dear Peanut,

Till now we are still not 100% sure you are a girl. It's an 80% chance and we were sticking with that till recently when some aunties seemed so sure that you were a boy based on the shape of Mama's tummy.

Girl or boy. I just want you to know that Mama and Dada love you loads.

You were growing fast in the initial months and seemed to have slowed down later on. Recently though, you seem to have picked up pace again. Mama really feels quite stretched and bloated now even though there is slightly less than 3 more months to go. Mama is also becoming more clumsy and walking into door frames and such.

You are an active kicker like your jie jie. Mama hopes you will cooperate abit more though....and not kick or punch or attempt any pugilistic moves when Mama is sleeping or trying to get to sleep.

Please grow well sayang.
Till here for now.....


Love,
Mama

Open Letter

Dear Little Baby,

Mama is very sorry to put you through this. It breaks our hearts to see you cry and struggle. We have no choice but to hold you down and give you your medication. Otherwise how would you get better?

We really hope that you could take your medication like how you used to - one big gulp from the teaspoon. And that's it, one simple mouthful followed by water to cleanse your palate.....

Mama really hopes that you will get well quickly. Let's jiayou together ok....


We love you.....
Mama

Midnight thoughts

If you can't be at your most honest and truest even in front of your closest, then what gives? 

Words. Depends on how you use them. They can be a salve but they can also cut you deep. Different words can still convey the same meaning and deliver the same intent. 

It's late. Unsettled. Tired and somewhat still a little sick. But unable to fall asleep as easily as other days. 

Bite the bullet. 

Oh there you go, found a neutral phrase.

Rivulets

... ... ... ...

Packing time

Packing her older clothes away again. Those that she has outgrown over the last 6months. I've never had the time to do it till now when I'm on MC.

*sniff* 

Her socks used to be so small! And her undies were so tiny! And and and ....

:( 

Little baby you are growing up too fast...

Upset

Does it bother me that people don't think I'm trying my best?
Of course it does.
Because it undermines my efforts.

Does it bother me that people think I am pulling a fast one?
Of course it does.
Because it invalidates me.

Shouldn't it suffice that I know myself that I am doing what I can?
Perhaps it should.
But it does get to me still.

======
Still, I will only allow myself to mope over this for a short while.
Then I'll bury it somewhere.

Might not be a good idea to sweep it under the carpet.
Dust balls can and do grow organically over time.

But it will suffice for now.
For I do not have the energy and strength to deal with it now.