wanna learn/start again/do...

What I wanna learn....or pick up again....or do....

• watercolour painting of wreaths and flowers
• guitar or keyboard 
• yoga

• gardening
• drawing/doodling

• shop 
• sleep 
• cut hair 
• spend the whole day (or two or three!) all alone in bed, or on the Net, and cooking up a simple meal 
• 
  

Venerable Pomnyun

I've recently heard that there is a Venerable Pomnyun. He is a South Korean monk who has unconventionally embraced a more modern approach to spreading Buddhist teachings. He even has a Youtube channel and also goes around the country speaking at public lectures.

Came across some things he said that made me think abit deeper.

"Humility is not about lowering oneself, but about treating everyone equally."

Going by his definition, I guess I'm not as humble as I thought I was.
Definitely food for much thought. And more self-reflection needed here.
I know for sure that I don't treat everyone equally, loathe as I am to say it though.

"Happiness means being being free of any agony or pain." 

When asked what happiness means, he gave this definition. So most people are actually happy. It is just that they don't recognise it and they don't realise it. Why don't they? To him, it's partly due to not understanding the definition of happiness, and also due to materialism and wanting more.

"Be frugal. Be humble. Attain peace of mind. "

Frugality - Keeping a simple life of no frivolous spending. Human greed is endless. It knows no boundaries and needs to be kept in check.
Humility - Be humble to others and treat everyone equally.
Being at peace - Never be too excited, anxious, nervous or worried.

Conversations with a 4.5yr old

I raised my voice at Nadya this morning.

I'd spoken to her normally for many times. I asked her to get changed and brush her teeth. For a good 5-6 times I think. Or more. With intervals of several minutes in between each reminder.

I eventually raised my voice. I eventually dressed her up myself. She insisted on waiting for K to get home though, before she would brush her teeth.

Later on, when she was finally ready to head out, I asked her why is it that each morning is a battle to get her ready for school? I told her that she was almost 5 and that she should be doing all these on her own already. She didn't respond but I knew she was listening.

I told her too that when I speak nicely to her, she doesn't listen and doesn't do what is requested of her. Even if I repeated myself many times. I asked her if she would only do things when I finally got angry and lost patience. To this she finally responded with........

"Even if you don't want me to give you a hard time, you don't need to behave that way."

Her exact words.

Coming from a 4.5year old.

I still have much to learn as a mother. Patience is one big thing.

Xian-half

I'm almost alone in the office. Only 3 out of 11 in the team are in the office. The other 2 are located on another floor so I'm all alone in my room right now.

Totally zero mood to work. Listening to EXO & BTS and trying to clear my emails....

No mood....Partly cos I have some things on my mind.

I hope Adrian and Mae sort things out. And I hope my parents are doing ok after all the heavy talks and discussions that have taken place over the last 2 days.

Nadya & Alyssa

The love I have for you baffles me

Sometimes my heart feels like it is not big enough to hold all the love I have for you

At other times I wonder if I love you enough

I find myself staring at you at times

A smile spreads through my face though I do not realise it till I catch myself

And my heart swells with pride, joy and love

Your eyes, your nose, your lips,

Your cheeks, chubby now though they may not be in the future

Your hair, your skin, your chin

The way your eyes sparkle when you are happy and excited

The way your lips pout when you get angry or upset

The way you pitter patter around the house

The way you run

The way you toddle

The way you dance

The way you hug

The way you stroke my arm, my hair, my cheek

The way you call me Mama

When you need me to kiss you when you fall

When you need me when you get upset

When you need me just so you can fall asleep

When you look for me to tell me things

When you seek me out just because

I worry if I am a good enough Mama for you

I am sorry for being lacking

I am sorry too for not being patient enough

I hope I can improve myself and be the mother you deserve

I worry about the decisions I make for you on your behalf

Am I doing the right thing?

Am I leading you down the right path?

Do I need to do more?

Or should I do less?

I feel I should hug, kiss and cuddle you a lot now

Because you are growing up way too fast

Where did all those time go?

In a jiffy you will be much bigger and who’s to say you will still want my hugs then

I pray that you will grow up well and be healthy, happy and strong always

I pray too that you will be confident, eloquent, intelligent, smart, filial and humble

I pray that you will have the resilience, determination, wit and resourcefulness to navigate through life

I pray that you will have the empathy, sincerity, love and authenticity to develop meaningful relationships

Nadya and Alyssa

Mama loves you…

K-popping

Listening to BTS and EXO...while working.

A mixture of upbeat tempos. Some digital music. Some sentimental songs.

I must be contributing in my small way to BTS' phenomenal statistics for their MVs. Lol...

"Fake Love" was released on 18 May 5pm SG time.
As of now 11am 25 May, the MV has crossed 90m views and only needs another 350K views to hit 100m views. Madness or what??

Kpop has slowly conquered the world through EXO, Bigbang, Shinee, etc....and of course BTS.

Working from Home

Working from home today.

The 2 little girls are over at the inlaws place.

Nadya's fever is on and off. She had no fever since noon yesterday but the fever suddenly came back with a vengeance and spiked to 38.6C at 1130pm. Needless to say, no school for her today.

Alyssa's fever has tapered off since yesterday noon as well. After not eating for close to 20 hours on Tuesday, I managed to get her to take some bread and butter at 630am yesterday morning. And she was eating well and drinking her milk too for the rest of the day. It's always a relief to see her eat. As a baby she was closer to the 75th percentile for her weight. But she's dropped to maybe 45-50th percentile ever since she was a year-plus. So whenever she goes on a food-strike, I worry like shit.

Anyway, I'm just mighty glad that Alyssa's fever has broken. I'm giving her today to rest abit more and hopefully she'll be dandy enough to go back to school tomorrow.

So the girls are at Jalan Sayang, K is at Dutch Colony to do his work, the helper is also at Jalan Sayang to help with the girls.

I'm alone at home. Clearing work and listening to my music.
Feels good and peaceful. Cheers to that.

Looking forward to some simple lunch later....maybe soba and kimchi and eggs?

Less junk, less gunk

I was on child sick leave today. Alyssa was running a fever. Still is actually. 

Somehow I managed to spend about 2.5hours in the morning doing something I’d wanted to do for a long time. I worked on the plants in the balcony. 

I threw away at least 3 pots of plants and cleaned many of the catchment plates. Also cleared up numerous dried and dead leaves from the potted plants area (don’t know what the helper has been doing all these while...sigh). Repotted the ficus bonsai, Indian borage and byrophyllum. I topped up the soil for the pomegranate and baby aloe vera plants, and fertilized the flowering plants. And finally, I pruned the pomegranate, money plants and bamboo plant. 

That’s quite a lot done in that span of time. There are still abit more things to be done but I will leave it to another day. I can live with the state the mini garden is in now. :) 

I was thankful that Alyssa didn’t fuss too much. She helped me pick up the dead leaves a little and for the rest of the time, she was content to be pottering around the house on her own, or sitting in a chair watching me work. 

Feel much better now that the area has been spruced up. :) 

Fingers abit itchy hehe. Maybe I should get some new plants. :)

Love is

When the older girl throws a big tantrum because you did not allow her to do something, and she is crying and fussing, and proclaims that she does not like you and does not want you, gives you an “X”, and says that she won’t buy make-up or presents for you in the future.....BUT still holds your hand and clings on to you seeking comfort for her outburst. 

When the younger girl is trying to get to sleep and grabs your arm/hand, sniffs it, rubs it all over her face, sniffs it again, wraps it around her belly, and then falls asleep immediately after. 

When your other half gossips with you about other couples, while you both are exhausted and irritable, in need of a bath, and standing outside a supermarket, with a cart laden with groceries and household items, with the kids playing nearby.

Adidas

Got myself of Adidas Cloudfoam Pure. It's not a new model I think and completely OOS in Singapore but I managed to get it on Amazon with K's help.

It arrived a few days ago and I have it on today!

Gorgeous and super lightweight! It's very comfy! Love it!

FY18 Workplan

Had my performance appraisal dialogue with my boss yesterday.

"Among the team leads, you're the one I worry least about." That sounded nice and was a small boost to the ego. How true and sincere it is, I don't know but it's still nice to hear it haha.

While the dialogue went ok and my boss generally had no negative feedback for me, I still feel lacking and that I can do more. Much more. He did mention that I could beef up my policy work skills but also acknowledged that policy work was something difficult and does not come easily or naturally to all. Not everyone could do it well and in fact, he struggles with it also.

Applying a policy mindset to work and projects is definitely not my thing and I struggle with it. But I will still try my best. It takes years to hone those skills. So well...one baby step at a time...jiayou! I was advised to "read widely"...Hmm...see how this one goes. Not a fan of economics, finance, public policy and other non-fiction materials.

Knowing his penchant for digressing into non-related topics during such sessions, I'm glad I took the time and effort last week to prepare myself for the dialogue. I knew what I wanted to get out of the session. And so each time he digressed, I listened perfunctorily, gave nods and smiles at appropriate moments and then guided him back to the points I wanted to raise or seek clarity on.

I did gain more clarity on what I should focus on in my own FY18 workplan. Some things were taken off my plate recently and I was a little lost on how to fill the gaps that were created as a result. Now that I have a slightly better understanding, it's time for me to take these few days or 1 week or so to plan my scope for the FY ahead.

Jiayou and hwaiting!

Lost my patience again

Just when I thought I was doing better.

The past few nights have been pretty ok and I managed to keep most of my cool when putting the girls to sleep. Even if they dilly-dallied alot and made numerous ridiculous requests.

I lost my patience this morning though. Maybe it's Friday, the end of the workweek and I'm bushed already.

I requested Nadya to get herself changed and to brush her teeth. I spoke nicely, I spoke warmly. I repeated myself. I repeated myself several times. I repeated myself somemore. I could feel my anger rising. I finally gave her a last warning that if she didn't get down from my bed to dress herself, I would personally bring her down to the floor.

It came to that. And she bawled loudly the moment I went to pick her up from the bed.

I explained myself later to her. I know she knows and understands. But she still does it. She tests my limits on weekday mornings. Why though?

Is there a better way to get through to her and seek her cooperation?

Innocent lives

Indonesia's Surabaya had 3 church bombings this morning.

I just read that the 1st was the father of a family who drove his car into the church's gates and detonated himself in the car. The 2nd incident was when the mother of the family and her 2 daughters (aged 8 and 12) walked into a church and blew themselves up. The 3rd case was when the sons of the family, aged 16 and 18, rode a bike into a 3rd church and blew themselves up.

I feel sad. Utterly sad.

Not only for the innocent lives lost.

But even more so for the lives of the 4 children. The 2 boys and 2 girls who grew up not knowing better. Who believed in what their parents told and taught them. And who killed themselves just because their parents told them to.

Heartbreaking.
Tearing in office while reading the news. :(

K stuff

Stanning both BTS and EXO. 

This Mama has fallen into the K-hole...

More specifically....the Kpop hole.

Ji pai xiao liao :D

Big. Small.

The vastness

The greatness

The possibilities

Small and ill-equipped

Raw still

Overwhelmed

I feel

Try

Try again

Chin up

Head up

Courage required

Patience needed

Guidance craved

Motivation wanted

Praying

For more patience. A whole lot more.

The kids refuse to have their meals but ask for sweets after that.
The kids refuse to sleep when it is time to.
The kids dilly-dally or refuse to change clothes on school-day mornings.
The kids fight with each other 70-80% of the time.

I have been nagging and shouting too much.

I fly off the handle more often than not and also more often than I am loathe to admit.

I feel exasperated and frustrated.

Am I or are K and I being too anal and hanging on to our standards and expectations too much?
Should we revisit our parameters?
Should we give freer rein and be more happy-go-lucky with how the kids are being brought up?

In the meantime, praying for more patience!

less junk, less gunk

My theme for this year. 

Not only in terms of food or the clutter in the house, but also in terms of relationships and work. 

Checking-in on things since we’re almost halfway into 2018 already. 

Kept to some. But failed in others. 

Not quite eating any less junk than I did last year. I just opened a bag of sea salt and black pepper crisps this afternoon. Also recently found a brand of Shiitake mushroom crisps. AND was gorging on salted egg fish skin with K several nights ago. Erm...AND was also gorging on Ben and Jerry’s brownie choc ice-cream with K several weeks ago. Zzz. Failed quite miserably in this aspect....my healthy nuts snacking lasted me all but only a few weeks. 

Focusing on relationships and people that matter. Learning to let go of people who are just not meant to be in my life anymore. Learning too that maybe it is just best to ignore folks who text out of the blue, but then disappear when you reply them. Happened twice this year by two different persons and it pissed me off somewhat. 

Cleared out old clothes again that day. And due to the recent office move to the temporary location, I had the chance to sort through and clear out 10/11 years worth of things. Managed to discard a lot of stuff and archived a whole lot more files too. Definitely feeling better about having lesser things. Though I think I can do better and can probably clear out more things. Maybe I shall do it again when we finally get to shift into the permanent office space in end June. 

Part of the less junk less gunk concept was to rid the body of fatigue, stress and lethargy. And to equip it with more exercise, stretches and fitness. Not doing this right at all. Started well but fell sick and didn’t feel well for 2 months. Even now, on and off my tummy doesn’t feel good. That and CNY and more importantly, my lack of motivation and determination has derailed my plans. And brought my Nov/Dec 17and Jan 18 efforts to naught. 

Slightly more than half a year to go. 

Jiayou and Hwaiting! 

motivation

If you want anything in life, you've got to be hungry.

And.

It's better to be prepared for an opportunity even if you don't have one yet,
Rather than have an opportunity but not be prepared for it.


~ Les Brown, motivational speaker

Performance Appraisal

I was prepared for my appraisal to be mediocre for the FY17/18 work year.
I'd already psyched myself up for an average Standard Contributor rating.

Was pleasantly surprised to see a High Achiever rating.
Ego & mood-booster for the day!

Looking forward to the salary coming in this Friday...personal performance bonus, corporate bonus and usual salary all coming in.

*dances*

On a side note, and as a reminder to myself....
To trudge on even if I don't feel so motivated to do so...
To hang in there....and...
To walk on...
With hope in your heart.

On another side note, not to brag but in hopes to motivate myself to keep things up...
I have been appraised for a full 10 years. I think I've gotten HA for all years, except SC for 2 or 3 of them, and with at least one of the SC ratings due to me missing half a year of work because of maternity leave. That means HA for 75% of the time.

May my engine continue to run strong......Jiayou jiayou jiayou!

Conversations with the 4.5year-old

Erm...this girl can be quite quick-witted sometimes...some excerpts from conversations with her over the last couple of days...

====================
It was just after waking up on Saturday morning.
They each wanted a bottle of milk. (Still trying very hard to wean the big one off the bottle, to no avail!!!)  Anyway, after they were done one of them was chewing on the bottle teat.

Me: Don't chew the teat! If it gets spoiled, I will have to get new ones! These are expensive you know. 
Nadya: Mama, then never mind lor. Just use yours.
Me: What?!
N: Just use yours lor. *points to my boobs*
Me: I don't have anymore milk!
N: Then just get married again and have a baby. Then you will have milk.

三条线......lol....

====================
On the same Saturday morning, after her drama class, we went into Smiggles to while away some time. I bought alphabet keychains for both of them.

We've recently started involving Nadya more and more in such retail purchases and transactions and so I got her to queue up at the payment counter. She handled the purchase beautifully and I was quite proud of her. She's improved alot from her "hide-behind-Mama's-legs" days...

Sometime later in the day I reminded her of something....

Me: Nadya, you have not thanked me for buying you the keychain.
N: You didn't buy it! I bought it!
Me: *caught off guard*
Me: Well, technically you were the one who stood at the counter and made the purchase.
N: Ya, I bought it.
Me: But I paid for it!
N: But I bought it!

Ok, well, she's not wrong too.....

What would you write to your 50, 60, 70-year-old self?

To my 60-year-old self:

Hi there, 

How are you? Are you healthy and happy? How have you lived your past 20 years?

I hope you've stopped working by now and that you're spending your days doing things that you enjoy. Like maybe some gardening, some cooking and some art and craft stuff. 

How about K? Are you guys still taking ramen or soba from time to time? Is he still working? I hope not! Then at least the two of you can go for walks and leisurely trips together. :)

Did you eventually manage to learn a musical instrument? The guitar or the keyboard or piano maybe? Can you play any simple tunes? 

I wonder how you look like. Are you chubbier than when you were 40? I hope your eyes, heart and brain are doing ok and holding up well. Are you still sensitive to certain seafood, dust and artificial fragrances? 

I hope the girls are doing fine too. Both Nadya and Alyssa should have graduated by now and I think they should be working already? I hope they turned out well and are also healthy and happy. I hope they are filial and obedient too! If they're dating, please help them to screen their boyfriends properly. :) 

Last but not least, I hope you had a fulfilling 20 years past and I hope the next 20 years will be just as fulfilling and happy!

Regards,

Your 37-year-old self