29th May 2014

Yesterday was Granny's 49th day of passing. 

Nothing strange happened. Not did I see any moth. 

I hope she's moved on to Heaven smoothly. 

morning rambles

The boss' ficklemindedness is causing me anguish, anger and frustration.

One day he says this. The next day he says that.

If he changes his mind, and acknowledges it's his indecision, I'm fine.

But for this recent incident, he changed his mind and blamed me for making the initial decision. Like WTF? I reminded him that it was he who made the decision in the initial place and it was agreed during the team meeting where everyone was present.

And what's worse was that I've already communicated the initial decision to the external party. Now I have to backtrack and tell them errrr....actually cannot.

My reputation is affected. It's like as if I can't do my job properly.

ARGH.

Phew...

Feeling thankful and grateful.

The skies were very overcast and I was still on the bus on the way to work. I decided to take a gamble and wing it instead of stopping at an MRT station along the way and switching to the train.

The clouds held it in and the moment I reached the building and stepped under shelter, they let loose and the rains poured down.

Moth

A small black moth appeared on Friday at our area of the house and had stayed on. It was always on the high walls or near the ceiling. 

When I woke from the dream last night and went to tend to Little Baby because she was crying, the moth was just outside my bedroom. On an adjacent wall and at eye-level instead. 

This morning, when going down the stairs, I found it lying upturned on its wings. It must have died sometime between 3am and 730am....:(

Dreamt of granny

The dream started off nice.

It was our open house, a house-warming of sorts. I saw her approaching from a distance. She seemed spritely, cheery and healthy. A small smile lit her face and she had a twinkle in her eyes. She was wearing her gold-rimmed glasses. Her hair was short and neat and permed in those little curls she favoured.

She was flanked by two other ladies, one was my grand-aunt Ipoh (granny's younger sister) and the other I've forgotten who, though in the dream I seemed to know who she was. They supported her from each side, but it was a cursory gesture for she seemed strong enough to stand and walk on her own. 

I started towards them. And that was when the dream changed course. 

As I approached them the surroundings blurred increasingly. Noises faded out and suddenly the two ladies by her side were no more. It was just herself and me. 

She had become skin and bones, weak and fragile. Her knobby knees buckled under her weight and I found myself carrying her. She leaned in heavily on me, her head lolled on my chest and she felt heavy in my arms despite being only skin and bones. Her eyes had become dull. 

And then for some strange reason, I was on a road suddenly. Darkness all around. When I turned to my left there was a sudden appearance of bright lights, I winced. It turned out to be the headlights of a white van. 

I sidestepped and the van swerved as well. We narrowly missed each other. I remember thanking god for protecting granny and myself. 

The dream ended there though because Little Baby's cry suddenly pierced through the baby monitor receiver. It was 2:30am when I checked the clock.

I remember waking up feeling sad. I wonder what the rest of the dream would have been like had I not been awoken. 

Taking that first step

There, I did it. 

I've been wanting to say hi to someone whom I've seen for the longest time at my bus-stop. I see her pretty often and over time I've come to realise that she's our neighbour, 2 doors away. Through conversations with my MIL, I think she realised that I'm actually related to my MIL and hence am her neighbour too. She mentioned to my MIL that she found it awkward and didn't know how to introduce herself to me.

So it was a case of we know who each other is but each found it awkward to say hi to the other. 

Finally gathered my courage today when I saw her and went up to her and introduced myself. 

Took me awhile but I'm glad I did it. 

When I was 18 and fresh in uni, I used to be able to do this with ease and was a relatively social person. That was how I got to know many people in my hostel. But over time, and especially after I joined this organization, I found it increasingly difficult. Not quite sure why through. Maybe I'm getting older? 

Glad I found a part of myself today. 

And so we sleep...

Was supposed to head out and run errands but the little girl decided to sleep right in the middle of her toys. And so.....we sleep.

Spot the Baby

Feeling sad

Broke down just now.

We chanced upon a Catholic bookshop along Katong and I dropped in to get a gift for Adrian and family. They were baptized more than a month ago and I'd yet to get a gift for them.

Being in the shop brought back some memories of my Granny but I managed to keep my composure. 

Right until the point when they started playing "Amazing Grace" over the sound system. 

The same song that was played when we marched behind her hearse as it drove away from the Singapore Casket House. 

The guy manning the cashier point must have felt awkward. I was tearing up as I paid for my item and was biting my lips. My brows were scrunched up and I think my face was somewhat contorted from the effort of stopping myself from crying in the store.

Completely let it go only when I stepped out of the shop. 

Sigh. This coming Thursday will be the 49th day after her passing. 

9th visit (I think)

又病了. :((

I think this is the 9th time I've been to the doc this year.

Fever and throat infection. 

Docs these days usually don't prescribe antibiotics that easily so I was taken by surprise when the doc looked at my throat and said immediately: "Oh this one must take antibiotics. Swollen already. Infected. Must take." 

Shell ah Shell...你要加油啊! 

要照顾好自己不然怎么照顾小baby呢?

Emma Lim

Little baby Emma was born to Eric & Desiree last night at 11:25pm, weighing in at 2.9kg and measuring 50cm long.

Feeling really happy for them. :)

I can tell Eric's pretty excited as well. Haha, he mass-whatsapped 50 of his friends to make the announcement at midnight yesterday.

Congratulations to them both!

cheerios

I took a cab and swung by to pick up K yesterday afternoon. Before reaching K's office, I'd engaged in conversation with the cab uncle. It was just mundane friendly small talk.

When K got on, I spoke to K instead. We soon reached our destination and I bid the uncle a friendly goodbye and wished him that his two kids would grow up well and obedient. 

K asked how come I was so friendly to that uncle.

I don't know really. I am friendly to all cab uncles unless I feel they have done something wrong.
I open myself up to people who open themselves up to others. If I can be friendly and make someone comfortable, why not? Every smile you receive makes you feel happier too right? :)

Every little bit counts. A small positive gesture can create bigger positive ripples.
So for every smile that you receive, pass it on. It'll make the world a nicer place.

人间有爱

While the online world seems to be increasingly filled with vitriol and complaints and general dissatisfaction with various issues, little random acts of kindness and courtesy that I witness each day in real life give me hope and the assurance that there is still much good in this society.

I was on the bus on the way to work yesterday when a man in his 50s or 60s sitting directly in front of me started coughing badly.

I contemplated offering him my Stepsils lozenges but was slightly embarassed and didn't know how to go about it especially since I was behind him.

A lady in her 50s two seats to his right then got up and offered him some mint sweets, which he politely declined.

I was not the recipient but still, I truly appreciated her act of kindness.

Orange

The sky took on a brilliant orange hue this evening during sunset. 

Everything was swathed in an orange tinge...it was almost surreal. 

A pity my camera could only capture this. Doesn't do the sky justice....

hmm....

I saw this on TV and found it quite interesting and meaningful.

山不转， 那就路转
路不转， 那就人转
人不转，那就心转
凡事都有出路

To me, this means the need to be flexible and accomodating in going about our lives. And also, life always works itself out...somehow...

Silent prayers

Just met Selin's husband, G, earlier on during lunch. G had come by my office area to attend a briefing.

Heard a piece of sad news. They had just come back from New Zealand, from visiting his sister who was in hospital there. She had gotten into a car accident while on holiday there.

Unfortunately, she was very badly injured. Her lower spine was crushed and the prognosis is not good. She will likely be paralysed from the waist down. She's been in hospital for almost a month already and will still be there for another 2 to 3 months. Her mother is now staying there with her and looking after her.

It will be a tough time for G's sister. I hope she stays strong. I heard she is an outgoing person and is now in a rather depressed mood. I don't know her personally but I sincerely hope she gets her spirits up again soon. It helps in the recovery and healing process.

Life has its way of working things out. I hope she regains her mental, emotional and physical strength in the days or months to come.

I will keep her in my prayers.

Note to self: Cherish all that you have now...and don't take anything or anybody for granted.

tuesday morning nagging

Sigh. there are 3 main policy documents each having 30-odd pages and in total more than 100 pages.
"You are supposed to know everything at your fingertips you know!!!"

You are the boss, you do it first lor. If you can manage to do it then I salulte you and I will admit I am seriously lacking.

If you can't do it yourself, then don't expect me to do it.

七早八早语气那么坏，那么重。

我只能跟自己说要学会看开多一点。

And yes, I am disliking policy work more and more. Give me project work and research or operations more please.

Costs

Just spent $1000 buying milk powder, diapers and a playmat for the little girl.

好多钱啊!!! 

*sweat*

-_-" 

Mother's Day

Ah...I received a belated Mother's Day card. Still heartwarming to receive something for my very first Mother's Day.

Her handprints are so cute! 

Am I gushing? Hmm. -_-"

But so cute lah!

The greens

After a long long hiatus of maybe a year, I finally decided to do something about it. I guess looking at whatever was left of my bedraggled plants spurred me. I dug out my old gardening stuff from a corner of the cupboard and I got K to bring me to the nearest nursery along Bedok South Road.

I had chanced upon a glass bowl in Daiso last year and grabbed it first, not knowing when I would have the opportunity to do up another terrarium. So now a year later and after a 2-hr effort...here's the finished product. 

My greatest achievement to date in my terrarium experiments. :) 

I chose to do an asymmetrical one. And it's my first time ever using 4 different varieties in a single space. Introducing them, clockwise from the top: white ficus sunny, white-veined fittonia, pink-tinged fittonia and Christmas moss as the ground over. 

Am thinking of whether to add a top layer of stones but I'll hold on for awhile. Let it all settle down first then see how. 

I've seen smaller and much simpler creations selling for $30. I think this one might have a retail price tag of up to $60 or more? I did a quick calculation and estimated my cost to be about $28. And that's because I didn't get my things at wholesale price. Imagine how much those flower shops are earning....

I've never taken care of moss and ficus sunny before. I hope this pot does well and survives! 

Meanwhile it's sitting prettily on our desk at home. :) 

Credits: big thanks to K for looking after the little girl on his own while I took "time off" to indulge myself in this long-forgotten hobby ;p 

Mama - day 32

Today is the 32nd day since Mama's passing.

How are you Mama?

I hope you're doing fine wherever you are. I hope you're with Ipoh and Tuanku and your parents and grandpa happily playing mahjong or congkak or cher-kee or pak-gow.

I hope you're getting good Peranakan food there too. It's been many years since you could eat a good proper meal of buah keluak, nasi kunyet, telur gragoh, babi pongteh, pong tau hu, bubor cha cha, chap chye, itek giam chye teng, ikan assam, sayur lemak, sambal udang, etc.

I hope you're putting on weight, and back to your chubby self all those years ago...

I hope you have enough to live on, to wear, to use...

I hope you're sleeping well.

I hope you're happy....

I hope...

I hope...

gardening...the lack of...

I have not done much gardening since last year.

My mint is growing and growing and growing non-stop in the garden so that's fine. I'll probably be bringing one or two pots with me when we shift house in Q3 this year.

My basil died. Not sure if it was from lack of care or too much sun....

My gloxinia just died too. This was after I did a hurried re-potting because it was getting too scraggly and growing out onto my desk at home....sigh, maybe I shouldn't have re-potted it...should have left it alone.

And I've been wanting to prune my one and only open terrarium left with me. It is getting seriously overgrown and badly needs a refilling of soil. And I've been wanting to make a smaller closed terrarium. And I've also been wanting to create another bigger open terrarium from the fish-bowl like container I bought like a year ago....

And oh yes, I have not gotten the small pot of ______ (damn I forgot the name of that plant!! this is what lack of sleep does to you) from my mum's place....

Argh, time, where are you??!...

work

Am wondering how long I can endure my boss’ mood swings.

What do I really want? For a job? Honestly, right now, I don’t know.

I was pretty satisfied with my job from the start till about 6 years in. Sure, I’d have gripes about stuff but I didn’t feel “xian” about work.

After having Little Baby, things changed. And I don’t feel right in this job anymore. Going to work everyday is beginning to feel like a drag.

I wish to stay on in the parent organization, but don’t know which team to transfer to. If I leave the organisation entirely, it feels like a waste since I’ve built up 6 and a half years’ worth of credential here already. 

What to do about this...hmm....

Memories...from an era long gone...

My Dad was clearing out Mama's cupboard over the last week. And he came across an entire folder's worth of old notes and letters of his father's. His father whom he had never seen before. (Granddad was taken in the early days of the Japanese invasion in Singapore and was never seen again). My Dad was pretty excited because he'd never ever seen this folder before. Mama kept it well hidden away in a forgotten corner of her cupboard.

Some of these letters are older than my Dad himself. With the oldest being written in 1940. But there were also several documents dated between 1916 and 1940. Gosh...these are antiques.....relics from the past...from an era long gone.

I spent an entire hour and slightly more poring over the letters and documents. It was fascinating reading them. There were letters between my granddad and his close friends and relatives in Malaysia. There were death certificates and marriage certificates. There were school leaving certificates of my eldest uncle who died in an unfortunate car accident in 1956 (an incident which brought Mama much grief). There were letters concerning my granddad buying a rubber estate in Malaysia (he was quite well-off before the war). There were cemetery plot certificates and there were letters from advocates and solicitors.

Most of the letters were in English. Half were typed out. And the rest were in beautiful scripts. Handwritten in long flowing cursive strokes. It seemed as if the words were just dancing and gliding gracefully over the paper. It's a waste that people don't write like that anymore. I think learning to write in cursive handwriting was an actual subject back in those days.

A handful of letters were in Chinese. And they were written in beautiful traditional Chinese in vertical sentences instead of the current day horizontal rows. They were also written from right to left. Goes to show the age and era of when these letters were written in. So nice were the handwritings and strokes that the Chinese words looked as if they were printed on the paper itself.

The letters written in English were partly in Queen's English. Nothing quite like what we write these days. It was really lovely reading them and learning of the great extent of courtesy and formality accorded to even close friends when writing letters.

I remember a portion of a letter went "I feel extremely bad that our failure to call upon you when we were in Negri Sembilan brought you and your wife much disappointment. You will however forgive me for my slight, owing to special reasons which I will disclose to you later." And this was written from a friend to another good friend. Such formality. I would really love to hear how they spoke in those days.

The folder itself is an antique. The one holding all the letters and documents. It was probably taken from an office for it had the words "Straits Java Trading Co. Ltd" printed on the front of it. It must have been a pretty pink in its heyday all those years ago but it has since withered down to a dull brown-pink when I saw it yesterday. It was also mottled with some light brown spots of mould.

In the end, I thought the most meaningful of all the documents was.....Mama's birth certificate. Yup, my grandmother's birth certificate. Inked on brown paper and issued out the day after she was born on 7 February 1916. That piece of document is 98 years old. I am really amazed that it is still in existence.

I did a family tree last year and there were some missing bits of information. Reading through these documents provided me with some of these missing pieces of the jigsaw. I need to update the family tree soon. Hopefully I can find some time this weekend to do it.....

Dad is still clearing out some drawers of Mama's cupboard. Wonder what other forgotten gems would he find....