I...Don't...Know....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference 

I'd always told others I'd probably end up retiring in this organisation. 

But in recent weeks and months, that thought may have changed. 

Seeds of doubt have grown. 

And even more recently...and alarmingly...thoughts of quitting have sprung up as well. 

Never happened in my 15.5yrs here, except 4yrs ago when I was contemplating taking a few months break to work on my mental health. 

Starting to feel more and more inadequate and un-knowledgeable and lacking. 

Starting to wonder what the hell am I doing? and why? and how? 

Starting to wonder if I am up for more changes coming our way? 

Starting to wonder if I am better off doing an administrative or operational role with no supervisory or policy-related work. 

Mid-life crisis?

==========

Side note: 

Many %$%$$#Q things in both personal and work life ever since TY officially came onboard on 1 April. Did he really change the fengshui that much? It's not just me who has said this...even SP feels so...

This too shall pass

11 May - Alyssa tested C+ in the morning. I isolated myself in my room with her. It's an SOP already since Nadya had it in Feb 2022 and I looked after her in my room as well. I spent 8 days in the room last year with Nadya and miraculously didn't catch the virus from her .

12 May - Night. I didn't feel good but was still -ve. 

13 May - 5am. Was running a fever liao and I tested +ve. So after siamming the thing for 3 years +, I finally got it. Went to see the doc in the morning to get meds. There is apparently no official protocol anymore. Doc said if one feels fine with no fever, one can go anywhere even if C+. NO wonder numbers are sky-high...cos there are tons of C+ folks walking around outside...and probbaly half of them are not wearing masks also. zzz. 

14 May - Spent Mothers' Day cooped up in the room. Throat was hurting quite abit, cough was quite irritating too. And then...Nadya tested +ve in the evening. So now there were 2 monkeys in my room. K being the last man standing had the rest of the house to himself. And he was quite busy looking after us and the house and doing the laundry and chores and getting our meals settled. 

17 May - Last man down liao. K tested +ve as well. 

18 May - Nadya only had fever for a day and was more or less ok by Tuesday. Maybe it was her 2nd time so her symptoms were quite mild. We checked with her teacher who allowed her to go back to school today. Alyssa was supposed to go back to school today but was experiencing nausea. 

19 May - I went to the doc a 2nd time. I was having nausea too. And then diarrhoea in the afternoon. Doc said I migh tbe dehydrated and had to drink alot of water to clear the virus out from the intestines...

I hope Alyssa, myself & K recover fully soon....Today is Day 7 for me and I'm still +ve...I've not checked with Alyssa yet...maybe later this evening....

Helper-less

We've been officially without a helper for 9 days. Cancelled the work permit already. 

It's been a period of adjustment. K & I have been taking stock of things...in the first 2-3 days, we threw away a whole bunch of items which were either spoilt, or in a bad state, but which were not brought to our attention. I've to admit that I did not check as well. Brushes, brooms, mops, pails, pegs, cloths, pans, ladles and mattresses and some bedlinen were all thrown out.

New ones were bought. K did a deep clean of both bathrooms, and has been doing daily cleaning of the bathrooms as well...and alot of laundry and dry & wet-mopping of the floor. 辛苦他了...

I've been doing the little things...the nitty gritty, the little bits and pieces...all the hidden areas that no one "remembers".....including wall skirting and other floor corners that can't be reached by the dry/wet mops, door rails, top of mirrors/shelves/fridge, inside the washing machine, below the fridge, inside the dustbins, top of railings, etc...Not sure how long these areas have not been cleaned but they were so dirty & dusty till I had to throw away a rag. Still not done with these areas...more to come...also the clearing of old clothes, etc.

It's a constant work-in-progress so I need to remind myself too that things cannot be done in a single weekend. 

The girls have started their "training" lol. Happy to say Alyssa is adept at sweeping the kitchen floor (it's a tiny area anyway)....Nadya is pretty alright using the dry mop and can wash the plastic dishes well enough. She'll progress to washing the ceramic dishes in time to come...

I think....I am quite tired...but I am content and I am happy. 

Her Thoughts on Ballet

30 April 2023. Sunday evening. 

We were having dinner at the Viva Business Park. At the Fish & Kopi cafe next to Berries. 

We asked Nadya a random question on how she felt about ballet. What she said caught me off guard. 

In a good way though. I didn't expect to hear such comments from her. I felt quite proud of her and I was touched by her words too. After the dinner, I had to jot down her thoughts in my mobile phone as I wanted to remember what she said, in her exact words. And now I am jotting it down here, for posterity....

(1) I feel happy when I dance. It makes me forget about everything else and all my worries.

(2) When I dance, I know I can trust myself.

(3) It feels exciting when I get promoted to a higher grade.

(4) I feel happy when the teachers say I have improved or that I did well.

(5) Ballet performances look beautiful. 

(6) Sometimes I feel proud of myself. And sometimes when it gets difficult or I find it hard to do a certain move, I feel like I want to give up. But then I ask myself: why do I want to do ballet if I want to give up now? Then I tell myself to continue trying.