Fiak

Trying day. Even more trying night, 

I must have said "fuck" a million times over in my heart. 

I struggled with Alyssa for close to 3hours. She just WOULD NOT sleep. Carried, rocked, swung and swayed to no avail. She would doze off in my arms and stay that way when I put her down in her cot. Only to wake after 2 or 3 mins. It was really eating into my patience. 

And then the heavy rain came. It woke Nadya up and frightened her. She wanted me. I had to abandon Alyssa to the helper and console Nadya instead. 

Going by the sound of the rain and the thunder accompanying it, I'd probably need to bunk in Nadya's room tonight. 

It's 1am now. 

Did not manage to nap much today.

I am tired. Very tired. 

Times like these

5am. 

Sitting in a corner of the room expressing milk. 

Just came out of the baby's room after carrying and swaying and rocking and patting her for an hour.

She'd taken just half of her milk, refused the rest and then refused to go back to sleep as well. 

It is at times like these...with an exhausted body and a sleep-deprived brain....That my nostrils start flaring, my pupils get dilated. And I start chanting "f*ck this shit, f*ck this shit, f*ck this shit" 

It is at times like these that I feel even more so that motherhood is actually a rather lonely journey and you go at it alone for a portion of the time. 

It is at times like these that I wonder how other mothers cope with 3 or 4 or even 5 kids. Popular blogger mum of motherinc.org is carrying her 5th child now, after swearing off them when she had her 4th one. And she's younger than me. 

It is at times like these when I feel the desperate need to just hole myself up in my corner and not give a f*ck about anything. Heck the (again) growing pile of junk. Heck the grocery list. Heck the menu list. Heck all the Xmas presents list. Heck the dust balls that the helper missed out on. 

Dear Lord, grant me patience, some determination, some perseverance and... lots of love. 

Oh pfffttt. The elder one just woke. Pffffttt. 

Milk

This is a post touching on boobs and mother's milk. Read on if you will and scuttle away if it makes you uncomfortable. :)

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Just spent 1.5hrs trying to unclog an engorged boob. FML. I've had other situations of engorgement but nothing that could not be solved by pumping more intensely during a long session. 

Today was to be the day. Right boob still felt full in the morning even after pumping. I brushed the matter aside and didn't think about it till lunch time when another pump session was due. Bad move. 

By lunch, I actually felt pain in the right boob. I thought to myself "ji bai xiao liao" or "这次xiao liao" or "this time xiao Liao". 

Spent 1-230pm, with a warm shower in between, trying to relieve and in-engorge that boob. Pumped, massaged vigorously (maybe more like manhandled myself), pumped again, massaged again, you get the drift. 

After all that I still felt full and hard in that boob. And I decided to express the milk manually. Which explains why the fingers on my right hand are trembling slightly. Too much manual squeezing to drain off all the milk. Results in aching fingers.

It was quite uncomfortable. My face was in a perpetual frown in that 1.5hours I think. But eventually, the manual expressing did the trick. I finally felt more comfortable and not engorged anymore. Though now I felt soreness from the manual self-expression of milk. 

I never thought I'd really use it but I always keep a head of cabbage in the fridge. It came in handy today. A cold cabbage leaf (straight from the fridge mind you) plopped onto each boob for about 10-15mins. Helped relieve the engorgement further and provided some relief. 

It has been an interesting journey so far, this breastfeeding adventure. Glad I'm still at it and I hope to be able to continue and keep up with it till Peanut is 6montjs. 

Xmas tree

The tree is up. Our very first Xmas tree. The first Xmas tree that I've ever had too. 

Me heart the Xmas festive season. 

Little Baby

Sometimes I feel as if Little Baby is not 2 but maybe 4 years old. The things she does and says. Shows a fair bit of empathy. She's got a caring nature and rather good observation skills too. And I'm glad she is able to express herself and communicate her thoughts and needs to us. 

She's turning out to be a lovely little girl. When she's not throwing a tantrum that is haha. 

"Mama, I brush your hair also. Stroke your hair."

"Meimei don't cry. Give you this. (A toy) Yes? Don't cry. Ok? Kiss you."

"Mama you finished pumping already? I want go walk walk." 

"Mama today you wear this Tshirt? Not the other one?"

"I want milk please. Now. Not later."

"Mama why you put this here? (Some Xmas decorations on the wall) Why you put?"

"I hug this (blanket). No need pillow. No need bolster."

"I hold diaper for Meimei. Help Mama."

There will come a time when we need to work on her diction and grammar lol....

Conversation with a 25-month old

This morning, we were getting Little Baby ready for school. She came to my room thereafter and I noticed that K was somehow not in our room anymore. The toilet door was closed so I thought he was in there. 

Me: Nadya, can you check if Dada is in the toilet?

N: *bends down to see if she can spot him through the door gap"

She didn't see anything and proceeded to ask loudly....

N: "Dada! Are you in the toilet bowl?!"

Packing

The time has come again. 

To clear up and keep Little Baby's old clothes, namely those that are worn and those that she has outgrown. She has tons of clothes. Gosh. Gifts from friends and relatives and her grandparents and also ourselves. Consumerism. 

Glad that most can be handed down to Peanut though. But in the meantime, off to the ziploc bags and boxes they go. 

The Fussy Peanut

It's 12:50am. 

I'm seated in bed. Finally. Feels good to have a warm shower after being grimy and sticky.

It was a tough night with Peanut. After sleeping the whole day, she was rather cranky and awake at night. My bad, I didn't manage to keep her awake during the day and paid for it dearly in the night. 

From 6pm when she woke for her milk, she went on strong till 12:15am when I finally managed to put her to bed. Between my helper and I, we probably each put in 3 or 4 hours of carrying and looking after her. She was pretty cranky too with intense bouts of crying. 

Now, lying in bed, I realise that my lower back is aching and the bunion on my right foot is throbbing, perhaps from pacing around barefoot in the house too much. 

Though I am tired physically, mentally I am pretty awake. Not sure if it is because of the chicken essence I had earlier in the day. 

Anyway, time flies and she's already 7weeks old. 

Which means my ML is slowly being used up already. :(((((

Conversations with a 25-month old

I was bent over and rinsing my mouth at the sink. She, ever lurking behind me, was wondering what I was doing. 

N: Mama!!

Me: Yes?

N: Why are you eating the water? 

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I opened her wardrobe and she saw her school uniform. 

N: Mama! Uniform. Wear.

Me: No darling. It's time for bed. You can wear your uniform next Monday when you go to school. Anyway, you're already dressed in pyjamas. 

N: Noooo.

N: I am wearing clothes, not pyjamas. Clothes and pants. 

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She watches me breastfeed the baby sometimes. And she understands the concept of "drinking milk from Mama's boo-boo". Boo-boo is her word for breast. One night before bed...

Me: It's time for bed. Do you want milk?

N: Yes.

Me: Ok, you lie here and wait for Mama. I'll go make your milk.

N: I want to drink milk from Dada's boo-boo.

Me: @_@"

Xmas

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. :) 

感恩

This morning, the younger sister bestowed upon me several toothless gummy smiles. 

This evening, the older sister scampered over, hugged my leg and proclaimed "Love you Mama!".

Living for moments like these. :) 

For they melt away any tiredness, frustration and negativities....

Weighty issues

For a long time, I wasn't able to weigh myself at home because my digital scale had become spoilt. When I was pregnant, I only relied on my monthly checkups to determine how heavy I was.

At the last weigh-in before I delivered , I believe I was somewhere around 63kg. 

I finally got myself a scale today. I did not like the numbers that showed up when I stepped on it though. It read 56.2kg. 

After delivery, after all the lochia and the water and the baby was out, I only lost half, or 7kg, of the weight that I'd put on. 

Bah! I still have 7 more kg to lose....

Sigh...

When the toddler falls sick

Little Baby is unwell. She's got a cough and it has been a trying week with her throwing tantrums every morning before she goes to school and every evening when she gets back from the inlaws' place. 

Tantrum triggers included:

- me changing into a different pair of shorts 

- me bringing the wrong water bottle to her

- closing her room door

- switching off her room light

- she taking off one cardigan sleeve (she wanted to wear the cardigan so I don't know why she took off one sleeve and then had a meltdown because of that)

- refusal to take her medication

- seeing her grandparents leave our place 

- wanting a particular story book and then deciding she didn't like it after all

- me taking the wrong straw for her to drink from a cup

And the list goes on...

Sigh.

I hope she gets well very soon. So that she snaps out of her crankiness and so that nothing spreads to the baby. And also so that we get less frazzled by her. 

Post-partum

One main word to describe me now: Pudgy.

Other adjectives: 

- Tired

- Edgy

- Pea-brained

Ironman

She held up the mask to her face and said "Ironman". I'm wondering if this means a shift of her liking princesses to superheroes instead. Either way I'm cool so long as she likes it. :) 

Friday

And....*drumroll*.....I've got gastritis and a slight cough and a throat that is starting to get sore. 

Went to the doc this morning and got myself some medication to curb them. Glad I managed to get some things done during that 1.5hrs out of the house. 

- Called the school to check on Nadya's behavior (she's been having OTT tantrums the last few days). 

- Searched for a plumber online (toilet bowl seems a little choked). 

- Communicated with my parents (I make it a point to touch base with them everyday or once every two days). 

- Withdrew some cash (after not being out of the house for so many days, I'm running low on cash)

- Bought some stuff from NTUC (stuff that can't be gotten online)

- Dabao-ed lunch for myself and the helper (eating outside food is a welcome change once in awhile)

Relatively fruitful 1.5hrs. 

En route home. For some bonding with Peanut. :) 

Stomach's still queasy though. 

4 hours

That is the average total number of hours I am clocking each night I think.

Not in a single continuous stretch but in intermittent durations ranging anywhere from 30mins to 3hours. 

I am feeling a little under the weather today. Groggy and just generally not in my best. Maybe the lack of sleep is starting to take its toll. 

Chicken essence is my best friend now for giving me energy boosts. No, I don't take coffee for it makes my heart palpitate.

Breathe Michelle, and jiayou....

Breastfeeding

This breastfeeding journey had a slow start and I am glad that things have somehow found their way to a somewhat steady state. 

While I endeavor to try my best and am committed to the effort, I am also mindful not to place too much unnecessary pressure on myself. If my supply is not sufficient, I'd just supplement it with formula milk. Some breastmilk is better than none. And unlike how some extreme proponents of breastfeeding extoll, it is not a sin to give formula milk, Afterall, my entire generation practically grew up on it. So long as the baby is growing up well, that's all that matters. I'm glad that with this mindset, I'm currently achieving a steady state of around 80% breastmilk and 20% formula milk for Peanut. 

I don't follow the "pump every 3 hourly" rule but stretched it to a 3.5 or 4 or even 5 hourly duration, especially when circumstances don't allow me to sit down for a 30 or 45-minute pumping session. 

I don't enjoy the pump session(s) needed in the middle of the night. It's taken away my sleep time.

I don't enjoy the soreness that sometimes comes but I've learnt to manage it better and to curb it when I feel it coming. 

But.

I am mighty happy when I see Peanut guzzling down my milk. It is nature and it is a natural thing but it sure feels surreal to see your child taking in food that was produced by you and growing up well. It is even more surreal when she latches on me directly.

I did not set myself a particular timeline or any particular objective to follow but now that things have been built up to a steady rhythm, I hope to try to keep this momentum going till at least she is 4 months old. That is one milestone marker I have now set for myself and I'll take stock again when that time comes. 

In the meantime, breathe Michelle, and jiayou. 

Mantra

The confinement nanny I hired to assist me after Nadya's birth had previously gifted me with some wise words. 

She told me: "照顾小孩子只需要三个心:爱心，耐心和专心。”

This piece of advice has stayed with me since then and has served me well during my journey as a mother, especially during those times when I felt frustrated, impatient and desperate.

It is especially useful now, when I remind myself that I need love, patience and commitment to see through the challenging times (mainly in the middle of the night actually) when I need to handle the needs of both kids concurrently, or when I need to manage Nadya's tantrums. 

Breathe Michelle. And jiayou.