Panic attack? Supernatural experience?

I had a panic attack in the middle of my sleep on Sunday night.
Either that or I had a supernatural experience...

I know I was awake. But my eyes couldn't open.
I know I was freaking out. But I couldn't really wake myself up fully.
I was very afraid. I thought I was going mad.
Well, it really felt like I was going mad.

Heart was pumping. I could feel it in my ears. Thud thud thud.
And I was very afraid of something.
Of noise. I was very araid of any noise. Cos any noise would seem very amplified to my ears.
Any noise would seem to be able to blow my brains out to bits...

It was surreal, yet real.
But the intense fear of feeling like you're going mad was absolutely horrifying.

The heart was itchy but it was a scratch I could never ease.

It was scary, it was horrifying, it was intense, it was deafening in a way the loudest noise can never be.

I remember clasping my eyes together..all the whole my eyes were closed.
I remember reciting Hail Mary over and over and over again.

"Hail Mary the Lord is with thee..Blessed art though amonsgt women and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb jesus..."

And I don't remember anything else after that.
Except waking the next morning with a throbbing head.

fly fly fly

My business trips are confirmed...

I should be excited...but strangely I am not...hmm mm..

Am I being weird? Perhaps it's the destinations...or perhaps it's the arduous 30-hour flight...
Or perhaps, it's the back-to-back trips..Or perhaps, I am just not in the right state of mind.

Feb 22 - 25 Manila...
Feb 27 - March 7 Mexico....

One good thing is I will have Han Chuan as my travel partner...
I will meet up with him in Manila for the conference...And as for Mexico, we'll both be flying there together...:)
Good lah, at least i'll have him for company...

And oh yes...I can clock in my KrisFlyer mileage points....woot.....!

les meilleurs amies

It is a little uncanny..even a little strange.
Things have not been going well for both PQ and me since at least 2 months back...
Mine started earlier though..her unhappy stuff came a few weeks after...

Glad we're there for each other...

She's off to run at ECP now...

Darn it, I was just thinking to myself on the way home from home...I wish I weren't still sick..
I need to run off my frustrations...I need to vent!
My thighs are aching for a good stretch..my calves are yearning for a jiggle and my feet just want to move...

Argh..till next week, till next week...:)

I hope things pan out well for both of us...New year, new hope.

wan lan eh.

99.9% of men are jerks.

I'm feeling hot now. A gf just found out during lunch that a guy whom she was relatively close to actually has a gf. But his behaviour to her doesn't say so at all.
He goes out with her late at night and holds her hands.

I don't understand. I can't understand why.
Why do guys always choose to think with their lesser head? I mean WTF lor...

You have someone faithfully waiting for you. Yet you happily skip along outside and pick other flowers to munch on. Seriously wtf??
Why can't you just cherish the one who's been with you for so long?
Why can't you just be loyal to one????

I was telling her. I feel like frying his dick.
It's a good thing things didn't get too far between them...and it's a bloody good thing she found out now and not later when more feelings are involved.

When such things happen to you and people around you...
Or when you know of such infidelities going around.
It really sucks optimism out of you in one huge gaping breath and leaves you gasping in despair.

And what's left? Jaded-ness? A more guarded heart? Less openness?
Perhaps I've been in denial. Perhaps I've always been too airy fairy.
Perhaps the hopeless romantic in me refused to open my eyes to such things.

The past year and a half has forced the naive me to see things in a fluorescent light.
Bright and clear. Yet paradoxically darker and more ominious at the same time.

The reality of these things really breaks my heart.
Am feeling darn upset now.

En Route to Being WELL and DANDY

Antibiotics makes a difference...:)

Fever's 99% kicked out from my system...

The only nagging thing is the blocked nose...Hmm mm...

The Randomness of It All

I received a tag via facebook today...I was supposed to have written 16 random things about myself and then tag 16 others to do the same.

I guess, I don't listen to instructions very well cos I decided to just write my thoughts down here instead lol.
Some stuff you might already know...some you might not...
Oh well, here goes...


#1 I like colours..green, yellow, red, pink, blue...but I usually end up wearing white or black

#2 My favourite English word is "sardonic" hence my online moniker "sardonica"

#3 I am obsessed with making lists, of all sorts

#4 I might not look like it but I am really a homebody

#5 My Chinese name means "US Dollars"..hiakzz...

#6 I have this thing for cute guys who can sing and play the guitar (or any other musical instrument for that matter)

#7 I wish I had more courage and drive to do greater things

#8 The worst time to approach me for a favour is when I just got out of bed

#9 I am a procrastinator, a very bad one

#10 I can sit at a cafe and people-watch for hours

#11 I express myself more easily in words than speech

#12 I love notebooks and I've a bad habit of buying new ones when I already have a pile of them at home

#13 I used to have imaginary pet dogs, 20 of them

#14 I am a Discovery Channel, Animal Planet and National Geographic kid

#15 When I close my eyes, a whole new world opens up beneath my eyelids, sights, sounds colours..

#16 I fall in love easily and I fall in love with love easily too..I guess..I'm a hopeless romantic

Shell the Entrepreneur?

I received a business proposition today.

It was a casual one though. Came up during a chat with my brother.

At this moment in time, things are at a very airy fairy stage. i.e. TALK and just TALK.
We both agreed to do some simple research about this possible business venture first before going into more in-depth stuff.

It's a franchise from the US. If I were to go into it, I'd be more of a sleeping partner but might undertake some of the PR and marcomms stuff. BD is his forte and he'd be the best person to do it. Operations wise...we've not come to that haha..

Hmm mm....this is interesting. But at this point, I am not 100% convinced about the viability of the business...We'll see how it goes we'll see how it goes...

If he's really keen and can convince me, the sceptical one, then perhaps 2009 or 2010 shall see me fulfilling one of my obscure dreams of becoming an entrepreneur...lol.

chez doctor...

The weather's so good now..
The wind, the sun and the white fluffy clouds in the sky!

Oh I should be in Sentosa now or blading in Pasir Ris Park or running in the park near my house!!!

When will this dumb fever subside..? :(

Just went to see the doc again..
He mentioned that my company's doctor is "dumb" cos he didn't give me antibiotics haha...

Anyway, I've been set back by $40 bucks...

Hope this clears my system within these 2 days...

Ugh..

Freaked out early this morning...
My fever went up to 39.2 degrees at 515am..

Gosh, I've never burned so hot before...Was tossing in bed feeling very uncomfy :(
Woke to take medication at 5am and discovered I was feeling faint..

Hate this feeling man..Aches & pains plus a constant state of grogginess..
Hope the fever clears by tomorrow.

It was 38.2 around 6pm..dropped to 37.8 around 8pm and then down to 37.3 at 9pm...

I apparently have some clashes with the Year of the Rat..
But I didn't expect the clash to be that great man...It's like as if it doesn't want to let me have it easy even in the last few days of the Year of the Rat...zzzz....

Sounding croaky still..hmm...
Cough's almost gone but the nose is starting to drip haha...

bleah

Looking at the fiscal calendar

08 ended on a not good note.

09 started on a not good note either...

Looking at the Lunar calendar...

Rat ended on a not good note...

Hope Ox will start on a very good note...

I fell sick. Woke with aches all over. Felt a little feverish but I thought I could handle it...

Was still managing alright except for the irritating aches...

Went back to office after lunch and I think the fever just ran loose...

Went to a doc and had 2 days MC...which is just as good since it caters for a long break for me...

Supposed to have met the man for dinner. Had to cancel.

Ended up cooking mee sua for myself....parents are out karaoke-ing and dancing at Aranda Country Club...

Just measured my temperature..It's around 37.6 or 37.7 still..

Didn't quite subside since the afternoon..Hope it goes away tomorrow...

My apologies for sounding absolutely down these past months...

But when things go down...they'll go up eventually right?

Hmm mm...

Puff Puff Pant Pant

It's been two weeks since I last went for a simple run...

Went for one just now...very slow very short...

But I had company today.

Ran with Bro Kel...

And he was sweet enough to slow down for me...though errr, a little paiseh cos I think he was just cruising along hahha...

Ran, rested, ran again, walked, ran again...

I covered 3.2km today in total? haha..

You pay $0.30 more and I'll Give You the Big COCK!

OMG. The power of Singlish!
I swear I was laughing like a hyena!!!

Trickles

Things are tough.

Floodgates are open almost everyday.

The river is running dry.

Milk

I was quite enamoured with the show Milk...
The movie about Harvey Milk...the first openly gay man to have been voted into public office in the US.

After watching it on Wednesday night..I spent that night itself surfing the net..
Watching Youtube vidoes of him..listening to some of his speeches...
I read articles and his biography online..
I even discussed stuff with Kelvin H. He got influenced by me and started watching vids of Milk online too haha...

I read about his Hope speech..his life in Castro Street...
I read about his ingenuity and ability to see things beyond which others can't...
I read about his political struggles and his perserverence amidst such strong opposition and criticism...

I read about how he fought and won..how he challenged and won...how he encouraged the underdogs to come out and fight for their own rights..

It was very very interesting. Very very interesting.
2 days later and I am still talking about it.

I'm glad the movie was very very factual.

I loved how it was interspersed with real video snippets from Milk's era...the 1970s.
It all adds to the realness of it all.

I liked how they paid attention to the casting of the actors...
Each actor played out his character to true form...as evidenced by the real photos of those characters shown at the end of the movie...
And as evidenced by what I had read about them in online articles...

I watched the movie and then I read the whole (well almost) history of it all..
Everything was almost true to form...right down to the fonts used on the placards of Milk's campaign posters...

Right down to the shirt he wore when he gave his speech at an event..
Right down to the hair and moustaches...
Right down to the actual jokes which Harvey Milk made last time whilst on a live TV programme...
Right down to the way he was assasinated..

There was almost nothing which was fabricated just to add to the commercial appeal of the movie...It was a good biography and just that.

Plain and simple. No added pizazz or fanfare.
Which is wonderful considering the amount of commercialism and fabrication and surrealism in the movies of now...

I thought Sean Penn did an impeccable job of voicing Harvey Milk. And I thought he did a darn good job of bringing Harvey Milk to life in the movie.
Despair, satire, happiness, hope, fun, sadness, strength, confusion, tiredness, lust...
He did it all with an open and sincere heart...

Lovely show.

Simple disclaimers:
Might be abit draggy for some...
Might be abit strange for others cos of the homosexual scenes (which actually came up to alot of scenes)..
Might be abit boring for yet some others...

Je veux savoir qu'est-ce que j'ai besoin de faire..

Human Rights

Watched Milk with some colleagues just now.
Very interesting show..some people might not have liked the intimate scenes between guys...very sexual, very intimate...
I think Sean Penn did a great job in the movie...

Anyway, here's a video on Human Rights...I think it's rather cool...

French Delf A2 Exam

Voila! I love Benoit!! hahaha..

Benoit was the teacher who took me for my French Delf A2 oral exam...Back on 2 December 2008
He's a Korean fella who was born and bred in France..39 years of age, not very tlal but tanned and cute in a way...but super "ji-hong" aka flirtatious..

He gave me full marks for my oral!!!!!! 25/25
Hahhahaa and for that, I love him for his frivolity in handingout marks lol..

Test Results
Writing: Comprehension - 20/25
Writing: Production - 20.5/25
Listening Comprehension - 22/25
Oral - 25/25

Whee!!! I passed with 87.5/100!!

Muahhaa..
One bright spark in my otherwise grey mood...

Le Bureau...The Office

Major shake-up.

There's gonna be a major re-org in the division.
Each one of the 90-odd staff in the division will be affected. In one way or another.

The Deputy Director General (aka 3rd highest man in the whole organisation) will be giving a briefing tomorrow afternoon.

On who's going where, who's gonna do what now.
Who's gonna get screwed big time.
And what's the new org structure of each department in this division.

I've heard some rumours already.
Plus the boss gaveme a sneak preview of some things to come.
As long as there's no major impact on me.
I think I'm fine.

Hmm.
Hope so.

knn

Talk is cheap.

So very cheap.

The mouth can rattle off a zillion things.

But mean just one big zilch.

And for a seasoned player like you.

I guess it comes naturally.

Damn it XH.

Don't take me for a fool.

WTF.

Food Glorious Food

I had alot of good food last week...
Quite astonishing for a food conscious fella like me...
Which explains why I have 3 big pimples on my left cheek now..argh.

Thursday night was a crab session at Joo Chiat..

We ordered 5 medium-sized crabs for about errrr...6 of us haha...

Apart from the crabs, there were other stuff...

venison! my fav!

rojak ...they had strawberries in it..interesting...

mee goreng

healthy veggies!! finally something healthy haha...
Went with some of my colleagues..and after dinner...we went for durians..

Let's just say I was forced to go with them.

BUT I REFUSED TO TAKE ANY OF THE PUTRID STUFF. hehe...

Saturday night was a meaty & seafoody grill session at Charcoal within the St James compound...
Tuna sliches, beef, bacon, beef tongue, pork chop, chicken, korubuta pork, scallop soup, potato, salad, abalone,

Aw man, you name it...

Lots of seafood, lots of meat

Equals

Loads of cholesterol and well, pimples.

Charcoal is a lovely place to go to if you're into food, eating slowly, and cooking your own stuff...Lovely lovely....

Too bad no pics this timer ound...not yet at least haha...

Thoughts

Blading went well yesterday.
Shall keep my promise to myself...to learn cycling after I am done with learning blading.

I think the art of learning new things nowadays...is not to feel too conscious of yourself.
Just relax and enjoy things.

Voila...jiayou to me..!

=========
I have mastered the art of getting high and enjoying yourself, without the need for alcohol to boost your intoxication.

Was at St James on Saturday night. I only had 2 glasses of vodka lime. Stopped myself from drinking anything further.
And I still had a good time whilst the rest felt abit bored...claimed they weren't high cos not enough alcohol in their system...

I guess at times, fun is how u create it for yourself...

Sylvester was great in his performances...wonderful.

=========
There are dark days ahead.

The division is undergoing a re-org.

Personal life is abit shaky.

Floodgates seem to have opened up quite abit.

Volatile start to the new year.

why

为什么你说谎不眨眼的？

为什么？？

Work Work Work?

And so, the retirement age might be raised to 65 soon.

I've not even reached 30 yet.

Wonder if they'll raise it to 70 or 75 by the time I hit 40 years old.

Bull Shit Queen

So tak glam.

I'm unceremoniously listed as Bull Shit Queen in Danile's MSN nick today...

The nick said "I just realised my friend is a Bull Shit Queen!!!"

zzzzz....

Fragrant Rice

And while Madonna & Craig David accompany me whilst at work...
Jay Chou accompanies to and from work...

One of my fav songs from his latest album..
The vid's interesting cos there's English translation to the lyrics..

I didn't realise how meaningful the lyrics were till I read them in English...
Lovely lovely lyrics..
Enjoy...:)

Miles Away - Madonna

Another one of the lovely songs accompanying me at work..

"I just woke up from a plesant dream"
"You'll never will believe the things that I have seen"

Insomnia - Craig David

My latest fav song..
Wonderful music to keep you awake whilst working..and Class 95 has been doing me lots of favours by playing it about twice a day at least...;p

"Baby I can't sleep till you're next to me"
"Honey I stayed up till you're next to me"

Twitterings

I bought myself a green top again..
Which brings it to a total of 8-9 green tops which I have lol..

=========
I spent close to an hour helping Daniel out just now over MSN...
What was I helping him out with?
His appraisal...Gosh...I should have charged him consultancy fees...

That goondu din't even know how to start writing his own appraisal..even though his company gave him questions to answer...
Gave him some pointers...and before I knew it..I was drafting paragraphs and edting his text...

Lol...He called me the "Bull Shit Queen" cos I was already smoking out lotsa stuff even befpre he gave me his actual job description to build on...lol..

=========
Wah lau, give Gong Li a break lah...
She's human too right..She has her own choices and her wn path to walk...

Who are you to insult or condemn her if she chooses to give up her own nationality to become a Singaporean..?? Sheesh...

Everything is about choices...

=========
I suddenly feel empty.
Not quite sure what to do at night now but to blog lol...

No more "Little Nonya" to watch...hmmmm...

=========
Heading for crabs this Thursday...The one at Still Road...:)
Hehe...Colleagues are such sinful people actually...They psycho you to go such places to gorge hahhahaha...

Joseph

I had lunch with Joseph today...

Lol, I seem to have a knack of making friends with my ex-vendors...

Uber nice guy..but also uber busy haha...
He was on the phone for at least 20% of the time when we were having lunch...

But it was nice to catch up...:)

I love my friends...

MJ
We do disappearing acts to each other...but we know we have each other in our minds and hearts..I know I can find him if I need shoulder to cry on..And this is the only guy ever to have cried in front of me..lol...14 years and going strong..

PQ & Ally
I've said enough about these two in previous posts...but MUACKSS to them!
15 years and going strong..

TH
This fella's a tough one...We used to be close after my JC and during his 2nd year poly..
Grew apart..and then voila grew close again.. haha..my ex-drinking buddy..He was the first person I went to Harry's Bar at Esplanade with..hehe..15 years and going strong too!

Daniel
My drinking buddy, my "if I can't find anyone I know I can find you" buddy, my gossip kaki, my makan buddy, my my my...oh well..from our pageant to hallball to "cry over the phone" days..
It's funny how we broke up with our partners at about the same time and then got attached to our current partners at about the same time too..lol..10 years and going strong!!

Chiewz
My beautiful SQ girl haha..I could never do without her in uni days or hostel days...She was my light during those days..Needless to say, we were FYP mates...Things grew apart after each went different paths..but the least is that we still try..and we know we're there for each other when the time comes...10 years and going strong!

Kym & XL
Lol, what can I say about these two? From our pageant days to hallball days...from our Sentosa days to our Ice Cold Beer days...Happy for them that they're finally married haha...10 years and going strong!!

HB
This is a love-hate relationship lol..as are with most ex-couples...He irks me so much but yet there's also this bond between us that I think time cannot erase..He calls when he knows I am feeling down..Happy for him that he's happily attached now...10 years and going strong...

Eddie
Oh what can I say? We were inseparable during our year one schooldays in uni that people thought we were a couple...The other FYP of mine..One of the few guys who has seen me cry real badly..and the only friend of mine ever to have seen me with electrodes stuck on my head..He brought me two tubs of ice-cream when I was in SGH last time and sat there eating with me..We hardly see each other these days..but well...10 years and going strong...

Enigma
This here is yet another love-hate relationship haha...from our forum days...virtual friends to real-life buddies...We can say dumb things and know each won't mind..virtual friends for 5 years before we finally met up....8 years and gong strong...

Ginger, Selin, Ee Hong, Lydia, Tricia, Sashi
5 Duckie ladies and 1 associate member haha...I can't remember all the places we've been to for our once-in-a-while gatherings but I can remember most of them haha..the gossips, teasings, laughter and corniess of it all...6 years and going strong..!

Kel
Lol, my man's buddy...and my lovely MSN buddy..love those intense eyes of his haha..huge & sibei full of expression haha...5 years and going strong...

Burong
This is what we call each other..aw..I love this birdie of mine....hip old man haha..nah, kidding. He's just um, 44 this year? Lol..A 15 year age-gap doesn't hinder what I can talk to him about..anything and everything under the sun..I won't hesitate to tell him if I have a pimple on my bum...and he totally cracks me up..5 years and going strong...

Chloe
My babe...my MSN buddy, my "let's talk about sex" buddy..my gossip kaki..my "let's talk silly things till we die laughing" buddy...Aw man. She understands my crap..my silly jokes...and when we get going, she cracks me up real bad haha...5 years and going strong!

Kyne, Cher, Eric, Yang
My French classmates..they keep me sane in class...I admire Cher's drive and energy..Kyne & Yang's street-smartness...and Eric's steadfastness and down-to-earth-ness..Lovely people...and they are hilarious when they want to be haha...2 years and going strong!!

HC
Lovely guy, lovely colleague..Am glad for the bond that we have...Is it also cos he's a Dragon and I'm a Monkey? These two animal zodiacs are supposed to get along real well together...lol...be it a business partnership or in a relationship..He knows when I'm down in office and will pop by and do silly things to make me laugh haha..1 year 4 months and going strong!

Blurry
Love-hate relationship again..But we do get along maybe cos I can be as uncouth as he is lol...It's no wonder why his pet name for me is "Lian"..We have shared some bonds here and there..He can be serious when he wants to but most of the time, he's just an idiot lol...1 year 4 months and going strong...

Bull
We got along really well..till baseless rumours in office sorta made us drift apart..but I think I've bared more soul to him than to anyone else in office..Am kinda sad that we don't really hang out these days..in fact for the past few months...but well...1 year 4 months and (hopefully) going strong...

Sand, Kel, Jane, Cedric, KH, Henry, Serene, Erwin, BK
Lol...My lunch kakis!! Well most of them anyway..Birthday celebrations..mindless chatter..nonsensical ribbings...lol..these people have put lotsa smile on my face during dreary office days..1 year 4 months and going strong!!


There are others...
Each of whom occupy a special place in my heart...
Some are lost, perhaps to be found one day again..or perhaps lost forever to the wind....
Some are just hiding in the shadows but every ready to leap up when you need them...
So many who have touched my lives in one way or another...difficult to mention each and every single one of them...

Facebook

I think Facebook is amazing...

I recently discovered a hostel mate knows my eldest cousin and sees her more frequently than I haha...

I recently discovered a friend's friend..my acquaintance..knows Ally. Apparently they were poly 1st year classmates...Bro Kel, in case you're wondering who...it's Weide.

I also discovered another distant cousin of mine and her husband knows an ex-faculty mate of mine...and also knows one of my ex-colleagues...They all apparently go back a looooong way lol...

And yes, I just renewed a friendship with a senior from hostel...I didn't really know Soo Kng well back when we were in hostel..I just knew he was this uber smart guy, tall and thin and mad about cycling haha...We've recently been corresponding through FB and wah, this fella's now a phd holder and still as mad about cycling as ever haha...

Singapore is real small...
And yes, it's nice to know people still remember who you are....even after so long...

Grouchy Bear

Jason says:
saw you crossing the road with a sulky face this morning...like the whole world owe you money. Haa haaa....

~shell~ ...带我走到遥远的以后... says:
haha morning mah! Not fully awake yet...;p

Jason says:
if i don't know you, would have the impression of you being a scary and angry looking gal

~shell~ ...带我走到遥远的以后... says:
hahaha....har? really ah? opps...ok, will try to be more awake next time lol...

=========
Ok..I am very grouchy in the mornings...'nuff said. haa

Come to think of it

Is my sub-consciousness trying to tell me I should have read English Literature last time instead of studying Marketing? Hahha...

Some dream analysis below
=======
To dream about looking for a classroom:
Suggests that you need to expand your knowledge and learning

To dream that you are in school:
Signifies feelings of childhood insecurity and inadequacies that have never been resolved. It may relate to performance and anxieties.

To dream about anxiety:
A reflection of what you may be facing in your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts, unexpressed emotions, resentment or hostility which are triggering anxiety in your dreams.

To dream about being in distress:
Represents worries and unhappiness in your waking life. But things will turn out better than expected. You will find that your worries are unfounded. Your dream may be telling you to lighten up.

To dream of a teacher:
Signifies you are seeking advice, guidance or knowledge.

To dream you are late:
Shows you are fearful of change and are ambivalent about seizing opportunities. You may feel unready, unsupported or unworthy in your current circumstances. Or you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions on your future.

I Dreamt

It was either Saturday night or Sunday night.

=======
I was in my 2nd year of uni education. In NTU.

It was the first day of school and I had a lecture cum tutorial. It was English Literature.
And I had to go to one of the rooms in the South Spine. (In NTU, there really is a South Spine block)

I reached South Spine early enough. But I couldn't find the room. I kept walking in circles.
I kept climbing up and down the stairs, from ground floor to fourth floor and then back down again. To no avail.

I couldn't find the room and I was desperate. There were a handful of others around but they somehow ignored me. I kept walking and running around. I was sweaty and "kancheong" at being very late. I was nervous and jittery.

And then finally somehow, I managed to find the room. It was on the thirs floor, in a corner where I walked past many times. I remember thinking to myself in the dream...it's impossible, I walked past that room so many times and it was labelled as the classroom which I was supposed to be in!!

Nevertheless, I brushed aside my uncertainties and went into the room. It turned out to be a huge lecture hall...lots of chairs with those tables which you can flip open or fold in and keep it.

The lecture was already midway through and it was a Caucasian who was speaking. A bearded man...not very tall..dressed in a light blue long-sleeved shirt and black pants. He had on a headset with a mike.....much like what those outdoor salesmen wear when they are doing a demonstration with a cooking pot or something..

Surprisingly, there were lots of bags around on the seats. Most were opened, like as if someone had taken their pencil cases and books out of them and just left the bags there on the seats...

But I could only see a few students sparsely populating the seats. Much less students than there were bags. Some of the students were just sitting and staring at the lecturer. Some were busy taking notes...Others, wel..I could see their bags, but I couldn't see them at all....

I remember thinking also....why can't I hear him speaking?? Him as in the lecturer...I can see his OHP notes..but I can't hear him??!!

And then...

The dream ended....:(

Fidelity

I was on a very long bus journey from Tanjong Pagar to Tampines this evening..Bus No 10.
I sat at a window seat, stared outside and thoughts flowed..although they were jumbled up at times..

I think I've mentioned it umpteen times before...
It's like as if there's no sanctity in marriage anymore. And if there's shrinking sanctity in marriage...there's close to zilch in a relationship between two unmarried people?
Sounds depressing? I dunno, maybe.

Getting harder to trust people these days? I dunno maybe.

Getting harder to trust your partner these days? I dunno, maybe.

I thought about a few years back when a married man tried to get me to go Punggol Park with him. We were both high on drinks, and he was fetching me home. Tried to drive me to Punggol Park instead. Heng I still had my wits about me and INSISTED he drive me home immediately.
Thank God I could recognise the correct route home..

I thought about some of my friends who snuck out for desserts even after having chosen their main courses. Sure some of them decided that desserts were not healthy and just stuck to their main courses after that. Others however decided they liked it so much they're still having desserts even after a few years of marriage.

I thought about the time I was hit upon by a married guy and the few times by another dimwit who was already attached.

I thought about the few times I was hit upon by those who knew I was attached.

And I thought hard about the question someone posed me this morning.

For the first time in my life. Some fella asked me to go to a hotel with him.
WTF? Seriously WTF? Nabeh, do I seem like some cheap wh*re? He even asked me "why not?"

Sheesh..I might be liberal in certain ways...but I seriously do have my own limits as well.
And this fella's attached, well sort of I think. To a girl who thinks they're together but according to him, they're not.

Wah lau eh. I seriously didn't know what to make of it. Guess there's always a first time.
Though I hope it's the last time someone makes such a proposition to me.

I didn't mention this incident to the man. No need to.

I won't deny friendship to this fella even after this incident.
But I guess I'll keep a certain distance as well. I don't want no mess.

I just can't get you outta my head

So sings Kylie Minogue...

The more you try to get something out of your head.
The more it stubbornly refuses to go.
The more it sinks its roots in.
And the more you feel distressed.

Daniel is reminding me everyday with a "Get a grip"
PQ is reminding me too with her "Control"
And I remind myself everyday with my own "Focus"

Is the conscious act of reminding oneself not to think about something the very cause of you still thinking about that something?

I think so.

But if so.

Then how do I get myself to stop thinking about that something without all the time consciously reminding myself not to think about it?

How do I do it? It's distressing and very baffling for me.

C'est tres difficile..
Comment je te prend sortir de ma tete???

I'm pretty tired

Physically..

Ran about 4 times this week..Monday & Thursday were around my home area...
Yesterday i.e. Saturday was at East Cost Park with the man...about 2.4km...
And today again...at East Coast Park..

It was a Kangoo session today though...half ran, half walked for quite a distance..
Didn't get a chance to gauge how far I ran though..
But it was tiring enough..I think I'll just rest for the next 3-4 days...

The body needs recuperation time lol..

Mentally...

Had about of crying last night..over what issue I shall not mention..
Think I'm a little messed up...sigh...

And so yeah, I'm tired..
Mentally & Physically...

I'm in Love With...

• Slow Jogs (both figuratively and literally)
• Donnie Yen & Qi Yiwu
• Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours"
• Natural earthy coloured eyeshadows
• Day-dreaming
• Munching sweets
• Jay Chou's songs
• Sweet Talk's Ice Red Bean with Corn
• Tubes & Dresses
• Dumbbells & Resistance Bands
• Lychee Martini
• Timbre @ Arts House
• Chicken Wings
• Kanye West's "Love Lockdown"