说不出

说不出的累

说不出的无奈

说不出的烦

说不出的纳闷

说不出的心思

The Father

Dad has been looking haggard of late. Well, at least the last 3weeks or so. His eyes seem more sunken. His eyebags are more prominent. His dark eye circles are even darker than usual. And his eyes seem a little lackluster. 

But his spirit's still the same. Old man with a cheery and cheeky disposition, loud voice and hearty laughter. 

I hope he is okay. I've brought this to the attention of both my mum and brother. Another 2 pair of eyes to monitor my observations of him. 

73 years old, 74 next year. 

Stay strong Dad...I love you. 

Bah

A cough can be persistent. And I hate it when I get one of those. 

This ticklish cough has been around for 10 or 11 days already. Lurking around and refusing to buzz off even after a round of antibiotics.

Made a second trip to the doctor's today. Now I need to take 2 types of cough mixture simultaneously. 

Mission: 

Eradicate. Annihilate. This irritating cough. 

Ganbatte!

*cough* *splutter* 

If

If I were granted a Christmas wish this year, I'd be greedy and wish for two wishes to be given. 

My first wish would be for everyone dear to me (and myself) to remain healthy, happy and blessed always and to have everything good going for them. This just about covers everything from K having a smooth career to my parents having a clean bill of health, to my dear friends having everything going smoothly for them in all aspects, to my two little girls having good health and good learning experiences, to other dear friends finding peace within themselves, etc....

And my second wish would be for D & YL to receive what they have wished for wholeheartedly over the last 6 years - a baby of their own. May they also receive good news of their wait in the queue for IVF treatment. And may their IVF treatment be a successful one. I know how much both of them want this and I really do hope they receive good news soon enough. May God bless them in this journey of theirs. IVF treatment is not an easy thing to undergo....

Converse Shoes!!

I've been wanting a pair of Converse sneakers since time immemorial...ok abit of an exaggeration...since several years back. Even before Nadya came along I think. 

I don't remember why but somehow I have never gotten to doing it. 

I remember standing in a Converse retail store in 2013 thinking to myself "should I get it now?". I didn't in the end because I was pregnant with Nadya and it didn't make sense at that time to buy something I wouldn't wear during pregnancy. 

K fulfilled that wish for me today. So sweet. :)

(Thank you Sayang!)

He was running some of his own errands and included a trip to the Converse store in his to-do list. He also got a pair for himself and a tiny pair for Nadya. It is our 全家装of sorts haha. A footwear version. 

Nadya was excited about it for awhile. She was trying to tie her shoelaces for a good 10minutes plus. :) 

A Mother's Life

It's 930pm.

Alyssa is asleep.

Nadya is asleep.

The helper is asleep.

K is also asleep.

And here I am, about to take my shower. Then I need to express milk before I hit the sack.

Life of a mother?

First to wake, last to sleep...

Jiayou!!!

累了，病了

就知道会有这个情形出现。每天熬夜不够睡，再加上Nadya的runny nose 和cough, 我也中标倒了。

Self-medicate 了几天但似乎没什么进步。今早就去看了医生，讨了几种药回家。他还给了我antibiotics…

希望病能够快一点好。我怕会传给Alyssa…

Mother's Guilt

Nadya's stickiness to me and her crankiness is preventing me from spending more time with Alyssa, which I would really like to do actually. 

I hope Alyssa knows that I am her mother...

Sigh

Nadya

It was between the hours of 4am and 5am this morning. 

I found myself sobbing, and sitting on the floor of Nadya's room. 

She had woken at 4am, drunk milk, insisted on me carrying her and then refused to get back to sleep. And she was in one of her crankier moments. Cantankerous, obnoxious, fussy, demanding, unreasonable. 

She has been this way since the previous weekend. Probably a consequence of her not feeling well with a runny nose and a slight cough. Possibly also due to other reasons which we cannot confirm i.e. jealousy due to Alyssa's presence. 

She has also been waking up numerous times each night. It is taking a toll on me, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sleep deprivation sucks big time. It fucks the mind up too.

She has also been extremely sticky to me. Only I can feed her and put her to bed and do certain things with her. Even during playtime with my parents on Saturday at their place, she insisted that I be around near her. She went ballistic during a car ride because I'd chosen to sit in the front passenger seat with Alyssa. (I had to nurse the baby). 

She also wants to follow me everywhere. It is an "honor" I could sometimes do without though. I do not need a pair of saucer eyes staring at me while I take a dump or a piss in the toilet. 

I felt cornered this morning, sitting in her room with her door closed and curtains drawn. Backed up into a tight space with nowhere else to turn. There is no flight option when it comes to parenting. You can only stay and fight on. 

I was very frustrated at that point in time. Still am actually. Tired and frazzled as well. Hence the tears. While I cried, she continued sitting on her bed, whining and fussing away. I tried to keep a check on myself and only allowed myself a few short minutes of tears before tackling her again. 

She had insisted on me carrying her and going out to the living room or my own room. It lasted an hour before she finally settled down but still not in her bed. On the mattress below her bed (which we place there to catch her in case she rolls off the bed). And I had to sleep with her there.

Woke later on with aches and pains and a sore arm. She had used it as a pillow and her head is rather big. 

Taking care of a toddler is far more challenging than taking care of a baby...

I pray for strength, patience, tolerance and more love. 

Having 2 Kids Means....

1. An even messier house

2. Even crazier nights

3. Even shorter sleeping hours, if any (see 2)

4. A lot more love 

5. A lot more worries (on my part that is, not sure about K)

6. More bulk when heading out (think: extra diapers, clothes, milk, snacks, toys, stroller, etc)

7. More adventures when outside (think: a bawling baby and a screaming toddler)

8. An even fuzzier and blur mind from the lack of rest (see 2 & 3 above) 

9. You don't care if you have shaved or not and step out of the house praying your fur is really just invisible tufts transparent to the naked eye. (See 3)

10. Sometimes you don't have any idea what you are doing but you just do it anyway. Things can't be that bad right?

Achievement unlocked

A day shy of 26 months old.

Nadya pooed in her potty! 

Pic for posterity haha. 

Rivulets

Sometimes

You can't control it 

The rivers spring up 

And form their own meandering paths

Big sister, little sister

I've never had that much "mood swings" as I do now. 

Happy a moment, frustrated the next. Tired and grouchy one moment, roaring with laughter the next. 

Ah yes. Welcome to the world of 2 kids. 

Whatever it is. 

I feel blessed. Really. 

Freaky is when.....

Your 25 month-old wakes in the middle of the night and you are trying to put her back to sleep. She dozes off after a long while and then she suddenly wakes again and says with a whimper....

"Mama! Ah. Ah. Who beat me? Who beat my hand?"

"Nobody beat your hand sayang. Lie down and go back to sleep. Close your eyes."

"Mama! Somebody beat my hand...somebody!"

In my sleep-fuddled mind, I have to admit, I was a little spooked.

Conversations with a 25 month-old

A couple of mornings ago, I found a strange looking piece of something on Nadya's bed. It was somewhat round and a deep brown colour, almost black.

Me: Ew, what is this??
N: This is my pi sai. *nods sagely*
Me: -_-''

She knows pi sai means nose wax in Hokkien. I wonder where she picked it up from. Could me us, could be my inlaws or could be from school...

Mildly amused that she knows some Hokkien words like "chau chau" (smelly smelly) and "pi sai" (nose wax).

Tuesday night

Last night went alright. Not the most ideal but a great improvement from Monday night.

Each of the two girls woke only once, at around the same time of 230am/300am.

Nadya as usual came into my room. Hugging her blanket in one hand and rubbing her eyes with the other. It was 240am and I was expressing milk. Instead of going back to my room to wait for me, she chose to lie down on my pillow on the floor next to me while I finished up.

I hummed her favourite "This Old Man" song to her while the milk pump buzzed away. Not the most peaceful heartwarming scene but oh well, the best I could do given the circumstances haha.

Monday night madness

If Sunday night was a trying one then Monday night was madness.

Nadya slept at 915pm.
Alyssa slept at 1030pm.
I slept at 1130pm.

Alyssa woke at 12am, 2am, 4am and 5am.
Nadya woke at 130am and 530am. And each time she woke she came into my room to find me.

I think I only slept maybe 3 hours?
Broken into bits of 30mins, 30mins, 1.5hrs and a final 30mins.

After my inlaws came to pick Nadya up for school on Tuesday morning, I crashed into bed and got some sleep for another 1.5hrs before the grasscutter downstairs woke me up. Needless to say, I had a dull ache in the head for most of the day....and was somewhat grouchy for the first half of the day. 

Side snippet: 
When I asked Nadya on Tuesday morning why she kept coming into my room the night before, she replied "I want Mama."
Endearing and exasperating at the same time.

Fiak

Trying day. Even more trying night, 

I must have said "fuck" a million times over in my heart. 

I struggled with Alyssa for close to 3hours. She just WOULD NOT sleep. Carried, rocked, swung and swayed to no avail. She would doze off in my arms and stay that way when I put her down in her cot. Only to wake after 2 or 3 mins. It was really eating into my patience. 

And then the heavy rain came. It woke Nadya up and frightened her. She wanted me. I had to abandon Alyssa to the helper and console Nadya instead. 

Going by the sound of the rain and the thunder accompanying it, I'd probably need to bunk in Nadya's room tonight. 

It's 1am now. 

Did not manage to nap much today.

I am tired. Very tired. 

Times like these

5am. 

Sitting in a corner of the room expressing milk. 

Just came out of the baby's room after carrying and swaying and rocking and patting her for an hour.

She'd taken just half of her milk, refused the rest and then refused to go back to sleep as well. 

It is at times like these...with an exhausted body and a sleep-deprived brain....That my nostrils start flaring, my pupils get dilated. And I start chanting "f*ck this shit, f*ck this shit, f*ck this shit" 

It is at times like these that I feel even more so that motherhood is actually a rather lonely journey and you go at it alone for a portion of the time. 

It is at times like these that I wonder how other mothers cope with 3 or 4 or even 5 kids. Popular blogger mum of motherinc.org is carrying her 5th child now, after swearing off them when she had her 4th one. And she's younger than me. 

It is at times like these when I feel the desperate need to just hole myself up in my corner and not give a f*ck about anything. Heck the (again) growing pile of junk. Heck the grocery list. Heck the menu list. Heck all the Xmas presents list. Heck the dust balls that the helper missed out on. 

Dear Lord, grant me patience, some determination, some perseverance and... lots of love. 

Oh pfffttt. The elder one just woke. Pffffttt. 

Milk

This is a post touching on boobs and mother's milk. Read on if you will and scuttle away if it makes you uncomfortable. :)

============

Just spent 1.5hrs trying to unclog an engorged boob. FML. I've had other situations of engorgement but nothing that could not be solved by pumping more intensely during a long session. 

Today was to be the day. Right boob still felt full in the morning even after pumping. I brushed the matter aside and didn't think about it till lunch time when another pump session was due. Bad move. 

By lunch, I actually felt pain in the right boob. I thought to myself "ji bai xiao liao" or "这次xiao liao" or "this time xiao Liao". 

Spent 1-230pm, with a warm shower in between, trying to relieve and in-engorge that boob. Pumped, massaged vigorously (maybe more like manhandled myself), pumped again, massaged again, you get the drift. 

After all that I still felt full and hard in that boob. And I decided to express the milk manually. Which explains why the fingers on my right hand are trembling slightly. Too much manual squeezing to drain off all the milk. Results in aching fingers.

It was quite uncomfortable. My face was in a perpetual frown in that 1.5hours I think. But eventually, the manual expressing did the trick. I finally felt more comfortable and not engorged anymore. Though now I felt soreness from the manual self-expression of milk. 

I never thought I'd really use it but I always keep a head of cabbage in the fridge. It came in handy today. A cold cabbage leaf (straight from the fridge mind you) plopped onto each boob for about 10-15mins. Helped relieve the engorgement further and provided some relief. 

It has been an interesting journey so far, this breastfeeding adventure. Glad I'm still at it and I hope to be able to continue and keep up with it till Peanut is 6montjs. 

Xmas tree

The tree is up. Our very first Xmas tree. The first Xmas tree that I've ever had too. 

Me heart the Xmas festive season. 

Little Baby

Sometimes I feel as if Little Baby is not 2 but maybe 4 years old. The things she does and says. Shows a fair bit of empathy. She's got a caring nature and rather good observation skills too. And I'm glad she is able to express herself and communicate her thoughts and needs to us. 

She's turning out to be a lovely little girl. When she's not throwing a tantrum that is haha. 

"Mama, I brush your hair also. Stroke your hair."

"Meimei don't cry. Give you this. (A toy) Yes? Don't cry. Ok? Kiss you."

"Mama you finished pumping already? I want go walk walk." 

"Mama today you wear this Tshirt? Not the other one?"

"I want milk please. Now. Not later."

"Mama why you put this here? (Some Xmas decorations on the wall) Why you put?"

"I hug this (blanket). No need pillow. No need bolster."

"I hold diaper for Meimei. Help Mama."

There will come a time when we need to work on her diction and grammar lol....

Conversation with a 25-month old

This morning, we were getting Little Baby ready for school. She came to my room thereafter and I noticed that K was somehow not in our room anymore. The toilet door was closed so I thought he was in there. 

Me: Nadya, can you check if Dada is in the toilet?

N: *bends down to see if she can spot him through the door gap"

She didn't see anything and proceeded to ask loudly....

N: "Dada! Are you in the toilet bowl?!"

Packing

The time has come again. 

To clear up and keep Little Baby's old clothes, namely those that are worn and those that she has outgrown. She has tons of clothes. Gosh. Gifts from friends and relatives and her grandparents and also ourselves. Consumerism. 

Glad that most can be handed down to Peanut though. But in the meantime, off to the ziploc bags and boxes they go. 

The Fussy Peanut

It's 12:50am. 

I'm seated in bed. Finally. Feels good to have a warm shower after being grimy and sticky.

It was a tough night with Peanut. After sleeping the whole day, she was rather cranky and awake at night. My bad, I didn't manage to keep her awake during the day and paid for it dearly in the night. 

From 6pm when she woke for her milk, she went on strong till 12:15am when I finally managed to put her to bed. Between my helper and I, we probably each put in 3 or 4 hours of carrying and looking after her. She was pretty cranky too with intense bouts of crying. 

Now, lying in bed, I realise that my lower back is aching and the bunion on my right foot is throbbing, perhaps from pacing around barefoot in the house too much. 

Though I am tired physically, mentally I am pretty awake. Not sure if it is because of the chicken essence I had earlier in the day. 

Anyway, time flies and she's already 7weeks old. 

Which means my ML is slowly being used up already. :(((((

Conversations with a 25-month old

I was bent over and rinsing my mouth at the sink. She, ever lurking behind me, was wondering what I was doing. 

N: Mama!!

Me: Yes?

N: Why are you eating the water? 

==========

I opened her wardrobe and she saw her school uniform. 

N: Mama! Uniform. Wear.

Me: No darling. It's time for bed. You can wear your uniform next Monday when you go to school. Anyway, you're already dressed in pyjamas. 

N: Noooo.

N: I am wearing clothes, not pyjamas. Clothes and pants. 

==========

She watches me breastfeed the baby sometimes. And she understands the concept of "drinking milk from Mama's boo-boo". Boo-boo is her word for breast. One night before bed...

Me: It's time for bed. Do you want milk?

N: Yes.

Me: Ok, you lie here and wait for Mama. I'll go make your milk.

N: I want to drink milk from Dada's boo-boo.

Me: @_@"

Xmas

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. :) 

感恩

This morning, the younger sister bestowed upon me several toothless gummy smiles. 

This evening, the older sister scampered over, hugged my leg and proclaimed "Love you Mama!".

Living for moments like these. :) 

For they melt away any tiredness, frustration and negativities....

Weighty issues

For a long time, I wasn't able to weigh myself at home because my digital scale had become spoilt. When I was pregnant, I only relied on my monthly checkups to determine how heavy I was.

At the last weigh-in before I delivered , I believe I was somewhere around 63kg. 

I finally got myself a scale today. I did not like the numbers that showed up when I stepped on it though. It read 56.2kg. 

After delivery, after all the lochia and the water and the baby was out, I only lost half, or 7kg, of the weight that I'd put on. 

Bah! I still have 7 more kg to lose....

Sigh...

When the toddler falls sick

Little Baby is unwell. She's got a cough and it has been a trying week with her throwing tantrums every morning before she goes to school and every evening when she gets back from the inlaws' place. 

Tantrum triggers included:

- me changing into a different pair of shorts 

- me bringing the wrong water bottle to her

- closing her room door

- switching off her room light

- she taking off one cardigan sleeve (she wanted to wear the cardigan so I don't know why she took off one sleeve and then had a meltdown because of that)

- refusal to take her medication

- seeing her grandparents leave our place 

- wanting a particular story book and then deciding she didn't like it after all

- me taking the wrong straw for her to drink from a cup

And the list goes on...

Sigh.

I hope she gets well very soon. So that she snaps out of her crankiness and so that nothing spreads to the baby. And also so that we get less frazzled by her. 

Post-partum

One main word to describe me now: Pudgy.

Other adjectives: 

- Tired

- Edgy

- Pea-brained

Ironman

She held up the mask to her face and said "Ironman". I'm wondering if this means a shift of her liking princesses to superheroes instead. Either way I'm cool so long as she likes it. :) 

Friday

And....*drumroll*.....I've got gastritis and a slight cough and a throat that is starting to get sore. 

Went to the doc this morning and got myself some medication to curb them. Glad I managed to get some things done during that 1.5hrs out of the house. 

- Called the school to check on Nadya's behavior (she's been having OTT tantrums the last few days). 

- Searched for a plumber online (toilet bowl seems a little choked). 

- Communicated with my parents (I make it a point to touch base with them everyday or once every two days). 

- Withdrew some cash (after not being out of the house for so many days, I'm running low on cash)

- Bought some stuff from NTUC (stuff that can't be gotten online)

- Dabao-ed lunch for myself and the helper (eating outside food is a welcome change once in awhile)

Relatively fruitful 1.5hrs. 

En route home. For some bonding with Peanut. :) 

Stomach's still queasy though. 

4 hours

That is the average total number of hours I am clocking each night I think.

Not in a single continuous stretch but in intermittent durations ranging anywhere from 30mins to 3hours. 

I am feeling a little under the weather today. Groggy and just generally not in my best. Maybe the lack of sleep is starting to take its toll. 

Chicken essence is my best friend now for giving me energy boosts. No, I don't take coffee for it makes my heart palpitate.

Breathe Michelle, and jiayou....

Breastfeeding

This breastfeeding journey had a slow start and I am glad that things have somehow found their way to a somewhat steady state. 

While I endeavor to try my best and am committed to the effort, I am also mindful not to place too much unnecessary pressure on myself. If my supply is not sufficient, I'd just supplement it with formula milk. Some breastmilk is better than none. And unlike how some extreme proponents of breastfeeding extoll, it is not a sin to give formula milk, Afterall, my entire generation practically grew up on it. So long as the baby is growing up well, that's all that matters. I'm glad that with this mindset, I'm currently achieving a steady state of around 80% breastmilk and 20% formula milk for Peanut. 

I don't follow the "pump every 3 hourly" rule but stretched it to a 3.5 or 4 or even 5 hourly duration, especially when circumstances don't allow me to sit down for a 30 or 45-minute pumping session. 

I don't enjoy the pump session(s) needed in the middle of the night. It's taken away my sleep time.

I don't enjoy the soreness that sometimes comes but I've learnt to manage it better and to curb it when I feel it coming. 

But.

I am mighty happy when I see Peanut guzzling down my milk. It is nature and it is a natural thing but it sure feels surreal to see your child taking in food that was produced by you and growing up well. It is even more surreal when she latches on me directly.

I did not set myself a particular timeline or any particular objective to follow but now that things have been built up to a steady rhythm, I hope to try to keep this momentum going till at least she is 4 months old. That is one milestone marker I have now set for myself and I'll take stock again when that time comes. 

In the meantime, breathe Michelle, and jiayou. 

Mantra

The confinement nanny I hired to assist me after Nadya's birth had previously gifted me with some wise words. 

She told me: "照顾小孩子只需要三个心:爱心，耐心和专心。”

This piece of advice has stayed with me since then and has served me well during my journey as a mother, especially during those times when I felt frustrated, impatient and desperate.

It is especially useful now, when I remind myself that I need love, patience and commitment to see through the challenging times (mainly in the middle of the night actually) when I need to handle the needs of both kids concurrently, or when I need to manage Nadya's tantrums. 

Breathe Michelle. And jiayou. 

Achievement unlocked

After a horrible pump session last evening which only yielded a miserable 10ml, I thought to myself: this is it, I'm a dry cow. Jialat how to feed the baby tomorrow? You mean I have to go on full formula so soon? Bah....

But I'd felt engorged at that point...

And voila. It is 430am now. 

I am pumping and have been sitting here for at least 40mins and I'm looking at a grand volume of 230ml. A mega session indeed in terms of time and volume. And I'm still going. 

Wah. This is a first. Never had so much before. Glad I don't feel engorged already. 

Wooha.

Ok unplugging soon and scurrying back to bed....

:((

Very often, we take those closest to us for granted. 

I was a frazzled ball of nerves yesterday. I only had a total of 4 hours of sleep (I think) taken intermittently throughout the previous night. Coupled with past nights' accumulated lack of sleep, I was practically a walking zombie. And I didn't managed to nap much in the day itself because well, the baby didn't nap much. That zapped me of much energy.

3 members of my team at work contacted me separately at different times yesterday asking for various things. That grated on me. 

Nadya was a happy ball of energy when she got home last evening. Only to morph into a squirming fussy ball when it came to bedtime and she wanted me to tuck her into bed. That stressed me somewhat.

Alyssa was another fussy ball when evening rolled around. After drinking milk and receiving copious amounts of patting and rocking and cuddles, her eyes were still wide open and she refused to sleep. She would doze off in my arms contentedly and give off little mews, what I take as mini baby snores. But the moment I laid her down in her cot, she would wake and started bawling. That went on for awhile and kinda frustrated me. 

And I couldn't pump out even 20ml of milk last evening. I was starting to get engorged but somehow the milk refused to get out. I was sore and in need of release, literally. That grated on me again. 

K is away on a work trip. He called me at the end of the day yesterday and caught me in a bad time. He wasn't feeling well and had a scratchy throat and a hoarse voice and a runny nose. He was sweet enough to still call me and check in on things. 

I was however, a distracted, frazzled, tired bitch and just an irritable ball of nerves. Various things were asking for my attention all at once. My mind was everywhere and I was struggling with my pump as well. 

Needless to say, I wasn't a nice person to speak with at the time. 

I am sorry baby. 

Sorry that I was gruff and distracted and not nice at all. 

Sorry that I wasn't paying enough attention to you. 

Sorry that I took you for granted...

Sorry sorry sorry. :( 

I go stand one corner and face the wall ok.....

Truth Be Told

I'm feeling

- doggone tired

- fat, haggard and ugly

- frustrated 

- a little stressed out 

- a little lost 

- aimless 

- flustered

- all over the place

Both kids

Family

Close friends

Work 

Each pulling on a shirttail of mine. 

Jiayou Michelle....

??!!

I'm on maternity leave.

Leave.

That means I am out of office with official approval. That means I do not need to work. 

Why am I getting queries from team members via whatsapp and even email?! 

Why? 

Confinement

Today is the last day of my confinement nanny's services. It marks the end of my confinement period. 

I kind of both wish and do not wish for her to go. I am happy she's leaving because I can look after my own child without her giving anymore comments about how things should be done and what not. And I am also happy for her to leave because then I won't feel embarrassed anymore when she speaks at her loud volume (the entire block can hear her actually). On the other hand, I am not looking forward to her leaving as well because now my nights might (will?) be chaotic. 

Whatever it is, thanks auntie for all the help rendered and for the nice food you cooked. 

How it came to be

This scan was taken on 23 March 2015. She was 12 weeks in my tummy and measured a wee 5.6cm. I remember I was already showing a little then. 

In the scan, she absolutely looked like a peanut to me and that's how her nickname came to be. Peanut. :) 

K had originally wanted to call her Littlest Baby (following the lines of "Little Baby" as a nickname for Nadya). But we eventually found it a handful to pronounce and he too ended up using "Peanut" to refer to our second princess haha. 

How time flies. Peanut's now out of my tummy for 4 weeks already. A prolific milk guzzler, she's piled on already but because I don't have a working weighing scale at the moment, I don't know how heavy she is...definitely more than 3.5kg I think. 

15 years already

Just received a letter from Aviva informing me that I have paid up all my premiums for my life insurance in full and I will not need to pay anymore. Wonderful news! This frees up $2,000-over dollars each year for my other expenses. 

Back in 2001, I'd gotten myself a life insurance with a lifetime coverage but only needed a 15-year period of premium payments from me. 

I remember thinking at that time when will the 15th year ever arrive...and before I knew it, 2015 is the 15th year already. Gosh. Where did all the time in between go? So many things have happened since 2001......

I graduated.

I stepped into the working world and changed jobs a few times.

I made new friends.

I kept old friends.

And I lost some as well.

I got my driving license.

My nephew came along.

I loved, I got cheated and I lost. 

I had brain surgery. 

I partied every weekend when I recovered. 

I studied French.

I met a great man and I loved again.

I got married.

I had kids. Two in fact. 

I grew up.

I travelled. A lot by my standards.

Granny left us. 

I shifted house twice.

I got my own abode. 

It hits you suddenly. Wow, 15 years just passed by like that. And then the questions come. 

How will my next 15years be like? 

Which friends will still be sticking around? 

How will my parents be like?

How will my kids be like?

How will K and I be like? 

What will we be doing then? 

Where will we be staying then?

How will all of us look like? 

Everything happens for a reason

I bought a pair of shorts end of last year. It was the wrong size, bigger and baggier than what I thought it would be. 

And so it sat in my cupboard collecting dust. I'd forgotten it existed till I was packing my cupboard earlier this morning. 

The discovery has been timely for I need bigger clothes now...

The day today

Many heartfelt thanks to my gal pals...who together with K, arranged for a surprise visit to my house this afternoon. 

Ally couldn't make it in the end because Kyler had HFMD several days ago. So only PQ and family came by. 

But you guys made my day :) 

K ordered chicken wings too. He knows it's my fav. 

I thought this scene was cute. Little Baby and Darius were holding hands and posing with my birthday cake. This is the first time I've seen Little Baby hold hands with a boy. She may have done it in school before but I wasn't there to witness it. 

==========

Heartfelt thanks too to all those who dropped me wishes via SMS/Whatsapp, Facebook and FB Messenger. 

Several folks who went missing for several years suddenly appeared again virtually and wished me. 2 or 3 of them even dropped me notes via FB messenger. There were several ideas bounced around to meet up but I have a feeling these will come to naught. It's always easy to say or suggest such things but when it's time to make it happen, inertia takes over. 

Happy birthday!

Midnight

00:00:00am

17th October already! 

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me-ee 

Happy birthday to me! 

35 years young and counting. 

My birthday wish is for my family, loved ones and dearest friends around me to always be healthy, happy and blessed. 

And for my two little girls to be healthy, happy, intelligent, strong and filial. 

And for K to get what he wishes for in his career.

And lastly, for me to stay healthy, happy and content always....(and also for me to lose the pregnancy fats and cellulite soon!)

Mushrooms!

Her most grammatically correct sentence thus far, complete with past tense and plural forms. 

"I ate mushrooms for dinner just now." 

Uttered 2 nights ago. :)

She's quite the talker, this little girl. 

Friday morning

It's Friday morning 830am. Starting the day slow and easy.

With a cup of milo and 2 slices of buttered bread in me, I'm sitting down at my balcony colouring...while listening to the world stirring awake. 

The weather is cooler this morning compared to yesterday but I can still feel the heat lurking at the fringes, slowly trying to creep in. I might not be able to sit here for long before it gets hot and humid again. Will enjoy while this lasts...

That special day

8th of October quietly slipped us by. It was our ROM anniversary. It was exactly a week ago, last Thursday. I guess the both of us were tired and preoccupied with the new baby, as well as Little Baby's 2nd birthday, which was on the 9th. 

K and I had our ROM ceremony on the 8th of October 2011, 4 years ago. It was a cosy affair with only 12 people in attendance. Well, 13 if you include the Justice of Peace. I still remember his name, Mr Simon Sim. Only our immediate family members were present. I remember I was very happy that my grandmother was still in relatively ok health and was able to attend the ceremony.  

It was an intimate and cosy lunch. We had wanted it that way. Simple, no frills and no fuss, with only our dearest loved ones witnessing our marriage oaths. 

It was a Peranakan lunch. I remember we scoured Google for a list of Peranakan places in Singapore. We went to several of them to try their food, view the suitability of their premises and of course, to check out their event prices. 

True Blue Cuisine at Armenian Street was our last visit and we fell in love with the place. At the time, I had only been to their original location before and not this one. We eventually booked their private dining room. 

In a flash, 4 years have passed. And now, by God's blessing, we are a family of 4. 

Baby, thank you for being with me and tolerating the temperamental me. Like what you said, there are ups and downs. What is more important is that there are more ups in our journey together. 

手牵手，我们一起走。

Let's create more ups in this journey, together with Little Baby and Peanut. :) 

Muacks!

Horrors!!!

Realised that I can't wear many of my clothes anymore. Even those stuff that I used to wear at home. And worse, my work clothes. 

Mega Bleah. 

And mega FML! 

Does this mean I need a major major major major wardrobe overhaul? 

Wah 没钱了啦!

*wails*

Ok wait....it's only been 3 weeks since Peanut popped from me...

Maybe....

Maybe I should calm down abit and give myself a month (or two?) more before I take stock of the situation again.....

Ohm...

Opps....

A few days ago, I was pumping milk and my T-shirt was hiked up. Little Baby walked in on me and saw me in that state. She understands now what "pumping milk" means. But I didn't expect her to comment on something else.....

N: Mama pump milk.
Me: Yes...
N: Mama never wear T-shirt. Shame Shame. *wags her finger at me*
Me: .....

Tio suan by my 2-yr-old daughter....

Work again

It has started. The wheels have started turning.

The part of my work which was assigned to be covered by The Coll has been re-assigned to LH, the lady who has been eyeing this part of my work for the longest time.

Win liao.

While she can handle the marketing portion of it, I am not that confident of whether she can handle the policy and paper-writing portions of it. Especially when I am not in office.

While I know I probably shouldn't be getting myself worked up and worried over this thing....I can't help but do so. Why? Because I started this particular work item and now it's being handled by someone else. AND....because future matters related to this w=sort of work could very well be taken away from me when I go back to work in Feb next year.

Sigh. Whatever lah.
Just a 打工仔.....:(


Seriously wondering if I can ever have a flexi job or a PT job or a work from home job in the upcoming years.....

Multi-tasking

Is when you are...

holding your 3-week-old baby with one arm,

breastfeeding her,

hugging your 2-yr-old daughter with your other arm,

singing "This Old Man",

and giving instructions to your helper...

...all at the same time. 

Work

I work in a niche industry. Too specialised actually, till most people don't really understand what I am doing in my work. I try explaining but most times I end up drawing blank stares.

My team is small. We are only a bunch of 10 people including the boss. Each person has a set of focused roles and areas to work on.

When I went on maternity leave, my duties were split up amongst 3 to 4 different people. As you can see, although we are focused in our roles, my role is still abit more cross-functional, to the extent that my work needed to be split up between 3 to 4 people. Chapalang? Perhaps. I deal with industry policy matters, international relations and policy matters, some corporate company-level matters, some aspects of marketing, and some aspects of operations. And a quarter of the time, like how my boss' PA says, I am also my boss' PA and consultant.

It is interesting to note how things are playing out now that I am on maternity leave.

Coll the Troll is covering me for a particular item. There is a particular lady, LH, who seems rather intent on taking over this piece of work from The Coll. She has even written to my boss to seek permission to take over from The Coll, but mentioned that she will "leave it to my boss' decision" as she does not want to "rob" this piece of work from The Coll. 

My work is so 强手 and popular meh? Might as well take it all.

A new boss has also just come in as my current boss has just retired. The new boss is understudying my old boss. Old boss has actually stepped down but will be around as a consultant for one more year so that he can guide the new boss. (Niche industry, the new boss needs to learn and pick up a lot of things. Old boss also has alot of legacy knowledge which would be of use to the organisation.)

Changing dynamics everyday. Who knows?
Maybe when I go back to work next year, my role will be greatly diminished with responsibilities taken away from me. Who knows for sure??

My Dad, the fan of Korean stuff...

It's the rage these days for parents to organise birthday parties for their kids who are attending classes in childcare centres. (And it seems the rage has continued to primary school classes as well...Hmm...)

Goodie bags are usually given out at these parties and over the course of the last half a year, Little Baby has brought home her fair share of these goodie bags. They are usually filled with snacks but one particular bag came with a pack of high-quality crayons from Korea. 

On that crayon pack and on each stick of crayon, there were cartoons of the characters in the below picture. 

I don't recognise them. I don't know who they are. To me, they are just cartoon figures. Cute cartoon figures having fun in the snow. 

My parents came over yesterday on Sunday. And Little Baby showed my Dad this particular packet of crayons. My Dad saw the packaging and the above cartoon characters and immediately said "Oh! Pororo!" 

"Simi Pororo?!" I muttered. 

"You don't know meh?!! Pororo is a cartoon from Korea...there, this penguin is the main character. He's Pororo.", came my Dad's response. 

Ok, I thought the penguin was a duck actually. Doesn't resemble a penguin to me at all. 

And well...my 73-year old Dad's obsession with Kpop and Girls Generstion has since morphed into K-reality shows and other K-stuff. 

You see? He knows more Korean stuff and Korean culture then I do. Goes to show how much time he spends watching YouTube and the Korean cable TH channel KBS. 真是佩服他.....

Mother's milk

I have come to realise that the breastfeeding journey is a lonely one. It was so back then with Little Baby and it is so now as well with Peanut.

While there may be friends around to provide some encouragement, ultimately it boils down to yourself and your baby, and how the two of you try to get in sync with each other. 

While there are lesser discouraging remarks from people close to me this time, there hasn't been overwhelming support as well. Perhaps staying neutral is their way of simply not being discouraging. 

The confinement nanny plays a part too. The nanny this time round is abit more open and neutral to the concept of breastfeeding compared to Little Baby's nanny. But today she said something which threw a bucket of cold water over me...sigh. "你要也是可以啦。可以给她吸一下咯。反正她只是吸爽而已，她哪里会吸的够?" 

Doesn't help much that Peanut is a voracious drinker and my body is taking a snail's speed to increase my milk supply. Supplementing with formula seems the only way to go right now. 

Oh well...all I can say is JIAYOU! 

Persevere.... 

Errrrrrr.....

I just spent a good 30mins clearing away some stuff from this organically growing pile in one corner of our master bedroom.

I can't see the effect the 30mins had on this pile. I can't see any effect actually. 

Ack! FML!

How Ah? :(((

Small house = not enough space? = not enough nook and crannies? 

Hmm....either I need to de-clutter more and maybe throw out some stuff....or I need to be more creative in creating more storage spaces...

Plus the kids' things and clothes and toys are another pile that is growing organically and exponentially...I cannot imagine when Xmas comes...

干-妮-那

Auntie, 你平时讲话直接，我就当作是你没经过大脑才重复地说了那句话。我也可以当作你在放屁。

我虽然没你那么多年的经验，但我至少也已经是个两岁大孩子的妈妈。Give me some credit can??? 

妈的。本来心情还好的，就这样现在有了个小乌云。

======

I'm rather suay too. This morning marks the first time I am changing Peanut's diaper. The nanny was cooking so I thought I'd just do it myself. 

Prank #1. And so she decided to pee a second time while I was changing her out of her first soiled diaper. She sprayed her face and clothes with her pee. I have no idea how she sprayed so high up but whatever, I'll leave the figuring out to another day. 

Prank #2. So then I needed to wipe her down and change her out of her clothes. She decides to wail big time, her face got so red she looked like she'd just climbed out of a sauna or something. And then she decided to give a huge fart. The type that releases a big dribble of poo along with its explosive escape from the butt. 

And so Peanut wailed even louder. The nanny came in and took over at that point. I suppose she could bear no more that her charge was in the hands of what she deems as an inexperienced mother. She said to the baby several times "妈妈不会抹啦!" It grated on me in the end. 

I eventually said "为什么不会抹？不会抹meh? 我以前也是这样抹她的姐姐。"

Enough said.

======

Peanut seems rather attached to the nanny already. Praying for a peaceful time when the nanny leaves on the 25th of this month. 

Nabeh

I can seriously do without insensitive remarks and comments at this point in time. 

I'm trying my best. Why do some people, men in particular, treat a 9-month long pregnancy and the eventual delivery of a baby like as if it's a piece of cake? 

Do they know what is the toll a pregnancy takes on a woman? If pregnancy takes a lot from a healthy woman, what more me? I'm not exactly a very fit and healthy woman with a clean medical history. 

Don't dismiss my efforts. Don't write me off. Don't belittle me. Don't do this all the time. 

否则，我怕有一天我会爆。

Food preferences - part 2

K and I had a conversation recently about my nephew. 

My nephew doesn't dare take anything that resembles chilli or any chilli or curry/related food dishes. He is 12 this year. K felt that my parents and brother need not come down so much on my nephew just because he doesn't dare take spicy foods. 

I agree somewhat. No one should be made uncomfortable of his or her own choices and preferences. No one should impose his or her opinions and expectations on another. Nor try to shove it down their throats. 

I don't take durian and I don't like yoghurt. I did not write them off after a single try. I've tried them on multiple occasions and reached the conclusion that I simply do not like them. My tastebuds don't deal well with these foods. Most people around me know I don't take these foods but there are still some who still ask me, rather seriously might I add, to try these foods. Enough already. Argh. 

Food preferences

For the longest time, well, for all my life actually, I've met with people who react in  over-the-top ways when they find out I can't take chinese herbs or anything similar to those. 

There are the nice folks who just accept what I tell them and don't force me to try new foods or try to explain to me that I am missing out on things. Maybe they might ask why I can't take herbs but after a simple short explanation, they simply accept it and leave it at that. That is good with me. I like it that way. No bossy or nosey reactions. And I do expect this from people close to me. 

And then there are others who give me grief. Some alot, some little but all still make me frustrated. Some of these folks were relatives actually, one of whom actually went into a 15min lecture (during a festive gathering of all times) about what I can eat or cannot eat. Hello, I decide what I want or don't want to ingest alright. Don't go imposing your thoughts and opinions on me. 

Relatives aside, some people whom I might have only just met also feel that it is their duty to dig deeper and influence my eating habits. They try to "educate" me on what is considered a herb and what is not, or what is used in TCM and what is not. Some other people try to probe deeper into my medical condition and cannot sense my unwillingness to continue the conversation any further. 

It's been all my life that I've faced these people. I've learnt to brush it off. 

Maybe my hormones are out of whack now so I feel rather irked and perturbed by it today.

Conversations with a 24-month old

It was Thursday morning, K was getting ready for work when Little Baby wanted him to carry her. He was topless.

N: Dada wear T-shirt.
K: Ok.  *proceeds to take the T-shirt which he wore while sleeping the night before*
N: No, not this one. Smelly. Take new one.
K: .........

==========
With Peanut's birth came the SG50 government goodie bag. In it was a muslin cloth, a blanket of sorts. Little Baby took a liking to it and hugged it while walking around. She eventually wanted to hug it to sleep as well.

Me: Nadya it's warm. Let me keep the blanket, ok?
Me: *proceeds to pry/pull/take the item from her*
N: Mama, no! Don't pull! Don't touch! Cannot.
Me: .........

==========
It was night, I was putting Little Baby to sleep when she heard the main door close. She thought it was K and wanted to go greet her Daddy. She got out of bed, and scampered outside the bedroom. She came back pretty quickly.

Me: Was that Dada?
N: No. Not Dada. Auntie Maryann (my helper) only.

==========

Sometimes, I feel like I'm talking to a 3 or 4 year old.

Happy Birthday!

Today is the 9th of October 2015.

How time flies. 2 years ago on this day, Nadya aka Little Baby was born at 9:58am, weighing 2.75kg and measuring 47cm in length. Now 2 years later, she's an energetic little tot, weighing 12kg and measuring 83/84cm in height.

From a colicky and fidgety baby, she's since morphed into a wonderful and intelligent little girl. Insightful, observant and a fast learner, never a day passes these days where I do not get surprised or amazed by something she says or does. She is strong in her speech and extremely observant. She's got a good memory as well and loves her raisins and egg tofu. Affectionate when she chooses to, emphathetic when the situation calls for it, cheeky and mischievous when you least expect it, quirky when she decides to be, I couldn't ask for more.

Of course, there's the other side of her. The rebellious, cantankerous and stubborn little girl but I guess that's how things balances out, the yin and the yang. Without these cranky traits, she would not be able to learn and test limits, nor get acquainted with rules and boundaries.

Carry on growing well my baby...you must remember always that Dada and Mama love you a lot a lot a lot.

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweetheart!

Post-partum II

13 days post-partum

- Linea nigra and darkened spots are still there 

- Facial skin, while still bumpy and lacklustre, is doing better from the loooong break of not wearing any form of makeup. 

- Hands and fingers and even feet are rather dry but I am lazy to apply moisturizer while at home. 

- Belly has gone down a little. I am looking 5 months pregnant instead of 6-7months. 

- Milk supply has increased only slightly. I need to try to pump more frequently. 

- it's been 5 days since I stopped taking Ponstan (the painkiller suspected of giving me an allergy rash). It has been 2 days since I weaned myself off Panadol as an alternate painkiller. Glad I am still doing alright. Pain is transient. I do fine if I don't overstrain myself. 

- Allergy rash is finally subsiding after being stubborn for the first 3 days. The minor areas have faded while the more stubborn and angry areas are showing signs of darkening and drying up. May they all go away by the end of this week. 

- Panda eyes are still there....

- New patches of spider-web looking varicose veins have shown up on my left foot. Oh well.....

- No more swollen feet from water retention since I started drinking more water instead of the longan red date tea.

- Mum helped to take out the waterproof plaster covering my csec wound 2 days ago. Wound is 18-20cm long this time round. Compared to 12-15cm previously. Discovered red nylon looking threads/strings at both ends of the wound. I think those are meant to be the dissolvable type of stitch threads. Hope they disappear soon. Will need to check with the gynae if they don't disappear by the end of the month....

Supper? Breakfast?

It is 3:00am. I have just finished pumping and o have also just devoured an anpan bun K had gotten for me earlier in the afternoon.

For some reason, my mouth (or was it my tummy?) told me to grab a red bean bun when I went out to the kitchen and I ended up having it for supper. 

Or is it breakfast since it is morning already?.....

Of sounds

Disclaimer: The below contains many references to breasts or boobs, milk or breastmilk and breastfeeding in general. Do not proceed if reading the previous sentence alone invokes any sign of disgust or queasiness in you. 

The Slurp

One of the nicest sounds in the world is the sound of your baby slurping and suckling at your breast. It represents fulfillment, that you are meeting some of her needs; and joy, being able to eat and drink is a blessing; and also wonder, that something that feels so beautiful feels so natural too. 

Yes, because I am cheesy like that. :)

The Whrrr

The whrrr-ing aound of the breast pump machine is ......rather annoying at times. I cannot imagine the irritation K feels when I use it in the middle of the night. 

Sorry sayang....hope I didn't disrupt too much of your sleep.....

The Cry

Hearing the baby cry can trigger a letdown. True story. Letdown in this case refers not to disappointment but rather to the boobs releasing their stash of stored milk voluntarily on their own. It's like they have a life of their own. 

Here's my theory and understanding of why it happens. Baby cry - Brain interprets it as "oh baby hungry" - Brain goes into problem-solving mode and translates that into "baby need milk" - Brain then transmits action trigger command to boobs - Boobs receive action command and releases milk.

Yes and the above process takes a split second to occur. Hence, the invention of breast pads. 

The Mew

One of the other nicest sounds in the world is when your baby mews. Like a kitten. For some reason, Peanut is mewing much more than Little Baby did when she was around the same age. I'm loving it hahha. She was mewing while searching for a boob to latch on earlier this evening when I was carrying her.  Awesome possum sound that mewing is.  :) 

Definition

And the definition of FML is....

The moment you realise that your belly actually protrudes out from your body more so than your boobs. 

Ouchness

Part #1

Last evening. Drank water and spluttered. Involuntarily coughed several times. Damn it, the wound hurt real bad! 

Part #2

This afternoon, N brought to me a $2 note crumpled up in her fist. 

"Mama, crushed already." She announced to me.

She then proceeded to open the note up and showed me the man printed on the note. 

"You suck suck." She said. 

"You suck suck???!!" I exclaimed. She nodded earnestly. 

And then it hit me. Darn. Yusof Ishak. She was trying to say his name. 

I broke into peals of laughter!!! 

And damn it, the wound hurt real bad lol. I was clutching the area and was sweating profusely by the time I stopped laughing. 

Part #3

I was breastfeeding Peanut when she decided to chomp down on whatever was nestled in her mouth. N was just next to me on the bed. Expletives flew across my mind but I could only grimace in person.....must set proper example for the children right? -_-''

Gratitude

It's 2:15am. 

The air is still, the night is dark. With it comes some measure of peace, calmness and clarity. 

I am thankful, for a relatively smooth pregnancy and delivery. I pray now for a smooth and quick recovery process. 

I am thankful for the love, care and well-wishes received from friends and family, from my neighbours and from the nurses at SGH. 

I am thankful, that Nadya has so far been a great jiejie who has been dishing out loving pats and "sayangs" and some kisses to her meimei.

I am thankful that my milk supply is still present and increasing, although rather slowly and not as fast as I wish it could be. 

I am thankful for having K around. He has run errands like nobody's business, looks after Nadya, and been my PA for the past week. 

I am thankful for having a helper at home who has been washing bottles and bottles and more bottles, and also doing laundry, laundry and more laundry. 

I am thankful for my mum who has also been running back and forth between her home and mine, helping me out and accompanying me whenever she can. 

I am thankful that I can feel the pain from the surgery wound, for it means I am well and alive. 

I am thankful that despite being "trolled" by a confinement nanny who went back on her word and told me a week before my delivery that she wasn't going to take up my case, she was at least nice enough to find me a replacement. 

I am thankful that Alyssa's jaundice is showing signs of improvement and that her eyes aren't as rheumy as they were several days ago. 

I am thankful.

Hives please go away....

Rash and hives are still present. Itch is still present though getting slightly lesser. Yes, only slightly lesser. Trying not to scratch. 

I'm still red and bumpy. This is how the back of my right thigh is right now. 

Really hope this goes off soon. 

Side note.

Pain level has increased since I stopped taking the painkiller. Panadol does not work much. I'm hobbling more again and I can't walk straight. Nursing the baby causes slight discomfort as well since she is lying prone on my tummy and there is added weight on the wound area. 

Willing myself to be stronger. This shall pass and get better with time. 

Jiayou Michelle...!

Itchy itchy

One of those xian-half moments occurred today. 

I've had rashes for the last few days. But it morphed into hives last night and this morning the rashes appeared on my arms and right hand as well. 

Went to a GP earlier this afternoon and was given anti-histamine pills to take as well as a steroid cream to apply on the affected areas. Rash seems quite a lot according to the doctor, with the worse hit being the back of my right thigh, and the hip areas below the support binder I am wearing after the csec op. 

I asked what might have caused the flareup. After some fact finding and discussion, we narrowed it down to two possibilities: (1) the rice wine the confinement nanny was using in my food and...(2) the painkiller I was taking, Ponstan. Was told to lay off these things and  only rely on Panadol as a painkiller. 

I hope the hives and rashes clear up soon. Don't want to spread unnecessary stuff to the two little girls at home....

Quiet moments - part two

I've not had as much time for bonding with Peanut as I would like. Partly because I know I should be resting more now when the confinement nanny is still around. And partly also because she is still sleeping like 90% of the time. 

I try to breastfeed her directly when I can. And I treasure such quiet moments.

Holding her in my arms with her head nestled in the crook of my elbow. Stroking her small round head full of soft downy hair. Breathing in her heady newborn scent. Taking in the feel of her velvety skin. 

I love how she gives out mewing sounds. So utterly endearing. I don't recall Little Baby mewing so much last time. 

I love how she stretches her arm and arches her back. Stretch more darling! You'll grow faster. According to all the nannies I've spoken to so far, stretching and arching of the back helps the baby grow faster physically. 

To be honest, it took me several days before I felt some bond with Little Baby last time when she was born. This time round with Peanut I felt it earlier, much earlier. 

I don't know. It could be that I am a second-time mum. It could also be that I know in my heart that this is my last pregnancy and this is the final baby that I will ever have to hold in my arms and call mine. Maybe, subconsciously, my mind knows that I need to treasure every possible moment with Peanut when she's still small for I won't get to experience it ever again...

Smiling in her sleep. Maybe her guardian angel just gave her a kiss. 

She seems to feel better sleeping with one of her arms out and not swaddled up. 

Quiet moments

I put Little Baby to sleep tonight. She wanted me to be with her. So I sat in her bed and hummed the song "This Old Man" softly in repeat mode. I stroked her hair while humming. She burrowed her head against my thigh. 

The lights were off and only the faint light coming from the neighbour's house opposite us illuminated her room. 

I love moments like these. Quiet moments. Just me and her. 

There was a special moment when she reached out a small pudgy hand and patted my thigh. The same thigh she was burrowed against. My heart melted. I felt loved. 

She fell asleep pretty quickly and lapsed into a steady deep breathing rhythm. I could have upped and gone back to my room at that point. 

But I lingered. I stayed for awhile longer. To savour the private time with her. 

Cheesy as it may sound, my heart was brimming with so much love for her I felt abit overwhelmed. 

Everyday, Mama misses the you of yesterday and looks forward to the you of tomorrow. 

Grow well little one. But don't grow too fast too......

Post-partum

It is 10pm now on the 1st of October. I gave up and took a warm shower about 45mins ago. Didn't wash my hair though. Will leave that for tomorrow. 

Chinese traditions dictate that  women in confinement are not supposed to bathe for the entire 30days of confinement. Some people follow the really traditional confinement period of 40days. I cannot imagine not bathing for that long an amount of time. Just a few days in this humid weather and I am getting a whole lot of rashes already. And actually, since I've been home, I've spent more than half my time holed up in my room with the aircon switched on. 

Anyway, I digressed. 

After my shower, I stood naked in front of the mirror. I look....what's the appropriate word to use? Sigh...

Post-partum.

Size

Still looking like I'm 6 or 7 months pregnant. Definitely bigger than after I delivered Little Baby back in 2013. Still looking pudgy and bloated. Cellulite seems to have found a home at the back of my thighs. My mum grabbed my thigh 2 days ago and quipped "still quite big." FML. 

With the amount of great tasting food (read: hard to resist) the confinement nanny is stuffing into me, doubt I'll lose weight anytime soon. Noticed too that I am getting hungry pretty easily. Perhaps due to my body producing milk...I don't know. 

Discolourations

The linea nigra dark lines and discolored patches of skin are still around. If my experience in 2013 is anything to go by, these discolourations take several months to go away fully. :( Don't like. 

The wound

The area around my Csec wound is still a little swollen. The Gynae vey kindly trimmed off my old scar during the op itself. I hope no scar tissue forms this time round. 

Milk

My milk supply came pretty quickly this time round. I got engorged on day 4 after delivery. Hope the supply maintains and hope it increases quickly too so I can ply Peanut with my milk to flush out her jaundice. I am not producing enough to match what she needs though. Supplementing with formula milk. 

Rashes 

Having them again. Same situation as back in 2013. Wore compression socks during the whole stay in hospital and the skin on my legs got quite sensitive after that. The night after I stopped wearing the compression socks, I was scratching non-stop behind my knees. Hope it clears away soon.

Water retention

I think I am having water retention. Worse than when I was pregnant. Perhaps I am not drinking enough water, perhaps I am drinking too much longan red date tea made by the confinement lady. My feet are slightly swollen. And I get a tingling feeling or slight aches in my feet from time to time. Ok, I shall resolve to drink more water. Heck what the confinement lady says. 

Home sweet home

It was home sweet home for me yesterday and for Peanut today...

It is 11 now and K has gone to the hospital to get her. What a relief it was to receive the hospital's call informing me that she could be discharged today. 

It is a little unfortunate though, that the haze is pretty bad. We have switched on the air purifier in Peanut's room and will leave the aircon on in there today. No choice. She's still too young to be breathing this air now...if adults are getting scratchy throats and teary eyes and runny noses....I worry for her. 

Both a relief and a worry that she is coming home haha. 

Mostly happiness though. My littlest baby is coming home very soon! 

Of boobs and milk

Just went through a marathon seesion with the aid of 2 nurses, one after the other. 

1 hour 15mins. 

Of painful massaging, manual squeezing and then machine pumping. I felt winded at one point when the nurse manually squeezed me. And yes I felt like a cow. 

My boobies were engorged. 

With all the effort, we managed to collect 20ml of breastmilk. Rather good for only the 4th day after delivery. 

But still below whatever Peanut needs right now to clear her of her jaundice. 

Not looking forward to 3hrs later. The nurse said I would need to massage and pump again later. And that engorgement takes around 24hours to clear. 

Zzzzzzzz

The kiddos

Missing Nadya badly. 

Missing Alyssa too. 

She's brought away to undergo phototherapy. And as such I'm staying a day more in hospital. A day more away from Nadya. 

Nvm...tahan...have to. Need to. 

2 kids - double the love, double the worries lol. 

Someday

Someday this little hand will grow bigger.

Someday these fingers will grow longer.

Someday this little hand will support my hand instead.

Day 3 of Peanut's Birth

Things are not as chaotic and haphazard as the first day. And I can truly say that I do enjoy the food and meals that are served to me. Pretty good actually. 

The nurses have been more than helpful, some more than others but generally all nice ladies. 

Peanut is doing alright and latching on me for long periods. I am still sore as a result. 

I am walking more. Forced myself to. Had another bout of physiotherapy and I'm glad I got a good one today. She was firm and knew what she was doing. Went to the washroom on my own earlier on. Achievement unlocked! :) 

The wound's still painful and I am still on painkillers. Not getting off them till at least a week plus later I think. 

Peanut is looking a little jaundiced. Hope she remains below the threshold level, otherwise she would need phototherapy. 

My appetite has improved tremendously today. I keep feeling like I am hungry. K bought quite a lot of buns and stuff for me in the afternoon and I initially thought they would last me till the middle of the night or even tomorrow morning. Erm, I finished them all before 1130pm this evening. Heh. 

Still looking pale...in slightly better spirits. But still as tired haha. 

月亮圆又圆

A little disappointed that I couldn't bring Nadya out for a walk this evening, the eve of the Mid-Autumn Festival. 

Last year we didn't walk around as well because she was unwell if I remember correctly. 

I'd gotten her a lovely Hello Kitty lantern this year which she initially loved but then grew bored of...zzz. 

Anyway, next year then. 

And anyway, we have Xmas to look forward to. :))

For now

Some peaceful moments before the humdrum of the day begins...it is 745am. 

It was a tough first half of the long night. The nurse gave in, like wtf after 5-6hrs of trying on my part to nurse, and agreed to top-up some formula milk for Peanut, who was still bawling hungrily at that hour. She was wheeled off at 230am and I finally could have some 3hrs of sleep. 

It is 745am now. I've already had my BP taken twice. Latched her for a short 15/20mins before she fell asleep and refused to latch further. 

And I've also had myself checked by 2 junior doctors, who clinically informed me that my "uterus has contracted". 

Um ok, right. I'm actually more concerned about the ache below my ribcage, I started. And the sore nipples, and the pain I feel in my wound area. And the....I went on. Oh it is "likely some musculoskeletal issue or the way you are lying down" they went....we will issue you some nipple cream. The senior registrar will be here later. And then they scampered off. 

Pshaw. They should have sent over more senior people in the first place who can answer my questions. Pffft.

Anyway, some peaceful moments for now. 

Little Baby will be coming to see Mama and meimei later this morning. Looking forward to seeing her. Missing her much. 

Sleeping soundly for now....

Shack, pale and zzzzz. 

Knn

Literally. In blood, sweat and tears. 

Latched from: 

8-830pm  left boob

850-950pm  right boob

1045-1110pm  left boob 

1245am-115am  right boob

Tired and sore. Aching and tearing. 

I thought the second kid was supposed to be easier?????!!!!  

Ppffffttttttt

Need to vent. 

Fuck this shit.

The pain. The panting. The breathlessness. The shuffling. The tenderness. The soreness. The sudden sharp pain that makes you gasp. The not knowing what time is it. The 'not daring to drink too much cos you don't want to spend half an hour making a trip to the toilet'. The weariness. The resignation. The fear. The lack of rest. The 'what the hell possessed me to go through this shit all over again' feeling. 

Is it only Day 2? 

Yes fine, I'm a weakling. 

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