The mind...is on a thousand different things

Working.

But with a part of my mind on Nadya.
I hope she's doing ok and fighting off germs...I hope she won't fall sick.
Thinking how else I can help her learn new things and engage her mind.
Thinking how else I an encourage her to recognise numbers and letters and try to write...
I miss hugging her and I miss her hugging me.

Another part of my mind is on Alyssa.
I hope she took more porridge in school today. And I hope she's fighting off the germs too...
I hope her nose is no longer so runny and I hope her phelgm/cough goes away real soon...
Thinking how to encourage her to be more open to solids and what combinations of food I could and should start introducing to her...
Hoping she's an avid and quick learner like her older sister.
I miss kissing her cheeks and snuggling my face into her neck...
I miss her smiles and gurgles.

Another part of my mind is on....snacks...
Wondering if I should still snack somemore or leave it already lol...
I just had some wasabi-flavoured seaweed and a kiwi fruit....
This counts as having a salad. Right?? :D

And my mind is also on...my drawing...
Taking inspiration from some everyday things and converting that into drawable stuff lol.
I'm no artist....but I'm trying.
I've done 2 quick zentangles designs based on inspirations from a muslin/gauze cloth and the patterns on my boss' speakers haha...

I'm also thinking of how and what to pack for the September trip.
A little nervous because it is my first trip after 3 years plus....
And rather nervous because it is both the girls' first trip ever....

revisting past posts

From time to time, I sometimes re-read my past posts.

And I wow myself. For I do not recognise the person writing as me.

I don't know why. The language and humour in some of the posts don't seem to be quite the me that I think I am haha.

And then I came across this post as well.
http://sardonicsky.blogspot.sg/2016/01/what-i-would-like-to-say.html

Really something heartfelt and sincere...
Perhaps wise words for the two girls in the future....:)

Poor mama duck

Kena poked on right elbow for annual blood test this morning.

Only to be told that the samples collected weren't enough and they had to re-draw my blood again.

NABEH. #@%$&^$W%#@^

So then left elbow also kena poked.

My naive mind though that they could just draw abit more to top-up what was already collected....
BUT NOOOOOOOO......those already collected in the vials are considered contaminated already and so they had to re-collect everything again....

My heart sank when I heard that....

#%$&^%&^$#$%

Will someone please feed me beef and pork liver to help me replenish my blood???

:(

policy-making. $#%#$%@

It is at times like these when I feel I am in the wrong job.

Like fucking hell, I'm not cut out for policy-making.

If I could I would be flipping my middle fingers at all the lawyers and other antagonists in this review of policies project that I am handling.

Like fuck you and you and you.

4 friggin' long years of this project, although most of the work was only done in the last one year.

I'm mega pekchek by now. Unfortunately, it is showing on my face.

At the 3 hour discussion earlier on, my counsel whatsapped me to ask "Are you ok?"
My face must have been an ugly shade of black.

I mean no harm and I'm sorry if I offended anyone. 
I'm a book. I don't know how to mask my emotions.
It didn't help that the main antagonist was sitting directly opposite me as well. 

Then again, maybe the lack of sleep and rest has brought about much of the frustration today.
Alot of things just pass through my mind without me really processing it.

Right now.

I just want to either cry or scream my lungs out.

zombie mama

Helper down for 2 days already.

Looking after both a sick baby and a cranky toddler for the past 2 nights...can't remember the number of times I had to go to both kids each night...

I feel like a floating bubble this morning.

Tummy not doing too good also...

jiayou jiayou jiayou...

I've a blood test early tomorrow morning prior to my annual heart check-up.
I hope tonight's more manageable...maybe I should work from home tomorrow....

jiayou jiayou jiayou....

Mama...

Mama, you popped into my mind this morning.

I hope you are keeping well, wherever you are...

I miss wheeling you out to the guest area at the nursing home and sitting there with you watching the fishes in that small tank in the corner....

In the early years when you were still lucid we would joke about the fishes and the suckerfish which you said was ugly.

In the later years when your mind was abit more clouded, we would still watch the fishes but you would be more silent...and at times your eyes would glaze over unless I broke the silence by speaking to you....

I miss you...
I love you...

Cheap Thrill!!

Wahahahaha.

My boss' PA just came over and spoke to me in gossipy hushed tones.

Apparently some guy from the Corp Comms Department had bumped into her 2 days ago and asked her for my name and how old I was. He referred to me as the "young girl in your department".

Lol. Lol.

He had popped into our team meeting a week earlier at my boss' invitation and did a presentation to my team on public communications and pitfalls and things to look out for.

The PA said he was interested and said "Aiyah, so sad!" when she shared with him that I was already a mother of two. He also said "Totally can't tell she's a mother already!"

*beams*

So maybe I am not that auntified afterall!!
还是有人看上!

By someone 5 years my junior, according to the PA. 
Wahahaha.....

Cheap thrill I know.
But this brought me much smiles this morning hahaha.

Of peeing....and pooing....

Lol...this mama duck is currently toilet-training her eldest duckie and doing so in tandem and close cooperation with her form teacher in school....

She's currently off diapers at home after school and doing good so far.

She has been using the toilet bowl since 3-4 months ago for poo-ing and now it seems she is ready for going there to pee as well...:)

Her teacher just dropped me an email to let me know that she took her first pee in the toilet bowl today in school haha...

Yay!

So it is true.
The child will let you know when he/she is ready to be toilet-trained...:D

I'm getting excited over my daughter's bowel movements and toilet-training....

Lol......

But oh well. I'm a MOM.

:)

Zentangles

And so on and off during my break time in office or on the bus, I've been watching tutorials on Zentangle and here are some of what I've ended up drawing...

Milestone: check!

Voila, Peanut can get up into a sitting position on her own already...:) Since 12 June 20216.
Me is proud mama! *RAWR*

She's been racking up milestones at a speedy rate over the last couple of weeks...!

She's starting to babble alot more too and making sounds that really sound like "cheh-cheh"...the Hokkien word for "elder sister".

She'll soon start to walk in a couple of months' time...

Grow up well sweetie....
Just not too fast okie...

You're our last baby already...and Dada and Mama want to enjoy your babyhood alot more!!

Time flies

I went for my annual medical check-up at the neurological clinic on Monday.

Time flies. It has been almost 11 years since I had that brain op.

And I am thankful everyday that I came out of that op good and well.

My next CT scan is only in 2019.

In the meantime....I shall give thanks and enjoy life as it is now....

Yea I know, I gripe half the time about not getting enough sleep, what with the kids and all.....
But still, I am immensely grateful that that op went well....

It didn't use to be this way

It didn't use to be this way.

I remember when I was younger in primary school. That was more than 20, 25 years ago.
When I flipped the newspaper, I read about robberies, molest cases, car accidents, political issues (which I never bothered to read because I didn't understand), and other petty crimes.

Either those or it was entertainment and lifestyle news.

And for a long time there was also news on the Gulf War.

Fast forward to now.

Every other day there's some news about some idiot blowing himself up and killing or injuring dozens of others in the process. Or there's some radicalised group of militants with some hugely warped interpretation of the Quran waging war on the rest of the world. Or there's some psychopath raining bullets on innocent victims. Or there's someone committing a crime so vicious and heinous that even his parents can't forgive him.

Why?

What is the world coming to?

Even on our own local shores.

Reports of people bullying others. Reports of weirdos excreting publicly. Reports of road rage and people driving wildly on the roads. And that case of the 6-yr-old accused of molesting another classmate. And the rise in anti-government sentiment. The constant rant by certain groups against foreigners in the country.

What is society coming to?

Rather depressing.

It didn't use to be this way.

No. Not at all.

I wish for my daughters to grow up in a world where there is more hope and joy and something to look forward to. Afterall, they were named that way. Nadya means hope and Alyssa means joy.

I pray.

For peace in the world.

For true harmony everywhere.

For peace and harmony and happiness in my own family.

Of ombre shades and everything else in between

I don't understand the latest trend.

Of colouring your hair in ombre shades of green, pink, purple or blue. Or colouring your hair in rainbow blends. Or colouring your hair in undershades of odd agar-agar colours. Or of colouring your hair in an ombre mix of blue and purple, pink and purple, green and blue....or whatever colour mixes and permutation you can think of.

I don't understand it. But I am not vehemently against it either.
You can do whatever the hell you want with your hair. It's yours. Decorate it and dress it up however you want. Stress your scalp and your hair follicles whichever way you desire to.

But hor. Nice meh?

And I am seeing an increasing number of office ladies with such hair. At least in my office area.
Doesn't seem professional to me.

Maybe I am just a prude. :D

I need a break. I need sleep.

I've not had a good night's sleep for close to 3 years.

Since Nadya was born, I wake anywhere between 1 to 3 times a night. Usually it's 1-2 times. On bad nights, especially after Alyssa arrived, it could even be 3-4 times a night. I'm thankful these bad nights are rare and don't happen often.

But still, waking up 1-2 times each night for 3 years is taking a toll on my body.

People in office tell me all the time "You look sleepy" or "You look tired" or "You look like you need rest" or "You look like you need a break"...

I also know...I want a break.
I want to sleep. I want to sleep 7 to 8 hours straight.

During maternity, I could still nap for a good 1-2 hours during the day.

Now at work I make do with being a zombie half the time.

Not good at all. I am unproductive and I can feel my brain cells just giving up on themselves, preferring to go into zombie mode rather than get involved in some intellectual thought processes.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing a half-assed job both at home and at work. Mainly because I'm sleepy and tired half the time in office. And I'm sleepy and tired half the time at home.

Like wtf?

Something's gotta give. But what?
I definitely don't want my health to be at the shorter end of the stick.

It's not helping too that I'm the only one who can settle N back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night. And she wakes every night.....at least once...

I feel myself getting desperate.....very.

Crying wolf?

If you cry wolf too many times, people start getting desensitised to what you say.....

"I walked out on him." was what a colleague from another division said.
When probed further...it turned out that that wasn't what happened but rather, she left the guy in the house after they had an argument. She went out for a breather but eventually returned to the house. Erm...that's not called walking out on him I think....Walking out on someone you're in a relationship with literally means ending the relationship.

This has happened several times with different people.

The first proclamation would be something that sounds very serious. But after finding out abit more, then you will realise that actually it's not as bad as what the person made it out to be.....

I don't know. Is it habit that makes someone speak or engage others in such a manner?

A verbal "click-bait" of sorts?

This induces fatigue in the listener...and eventually the listener becomes desensitised...right?

I hope I don't speak this way too?
Hmm...

Parenting and Self

There are a lot more things I want to do, see, experience. 

Both for the kids and myself. 

How do I find the energy and strength and time to?

Not quite sure. 

Still not sure too what is wrong with my lungs or nose or throat. Is it psychological? Is the chest tightness caused by stress? Maybe I should be using Xanax instead of the inhaler that the doc suggested I use for a month. 

Maybe I need better planning. Maybe I need to just fuck care everything (though with my nature I think I can't do this). Maybe I need to just be a lazy mum. 

Maybe. Maybe. 

Jiayou

Helper down.

No time to whine.

Just do it. 

Medical

Most people hate medical check-ups. Most probably don't step into a hospital for any form of check-up or appointment in many years. 

Hospital checkups and appointments are however a regular thing for me. 

Since I was a child. Every year. 

Doesn't mean I've gotten used to it. Doesn't mean I don't feel xian about it. 

And so. Today's med appointment at SGH. 

Now I have suspected bronchitis or asthma. 

Like wtf? 

And I'm given an inhaler and nasal spray to be used for a month. 

I've got a colourful medical history. I really don't wish to add asthma to it. 

Am I upset?

Yes, I think so. A little upset. 

Then again. 

Maybe I should count my blessings. 

That it is likely not anything more sinister. 

Wizard Mouse!

N was supposed to wear a homemade hat to school today. A homemade hat made from recycled materials to celebrate Eco Day.

K and I put our art and craft skills to some use over last weekend and conjured up a hat for her lol. It's a hybrid mouse-wizard hat haha. Complete with whiskers, ears and a curly tail.

Milestones!

Peanut has been busy clocking milestones recently haha.

On Wednesday 25 May 2016, she started crawling. She moved only a few inches initially. 3 to 4 days later, she was moving alot more and being rather adventurous. She can still only do a tummy crawl though, and not on all fours.

Last night 2 June 2016, she pulled herself up to stand for the first time in her cot.

Way to go Peanut!!


Note to Selves:
Need to watch her more.
Need to clear all small stuff out of the way.
Need to pull up the cot rails already.
Need better baby-proofing!
Need to watch Nadya to make sure she doesn't leave small bits of things lying around.

Upset!! :((

This pair of shoes is only 3 months old...and rather expensive by my standards....

My colleague accidentally stepped on me just now. She was in sky-high wedges.

And.....:((((

Her shoes ripped out 5 whole beads from my right shoe. 

Wah sibei heart pain!!!

Now there's a rather obvious gap where the beads should have been...sigh.....

Of Bad Nights and Better Days

T'was a bad night yesterday.

N woke at 1am and 430am. A woke at 130am, 4am, 5am.

The helper couldn't settle A down when she woke at 5am so I went to take over from her. The little girl was rather grouchy and irritable. She wanted to sleep but somehow was very fidgety.

And throughout the night I was having a headache and a weird tummy, feeling nauseous, and also had an aching right ribcage.

I think it got to a point somewhere during 530am where I felt like crying and giving up.

Yeah, one of those times when you go "WHY??? WHY???? WHY LIKE THIS???"

One of those times when you want to scream FUCK THIS SHIT over and over again.

But anyway.

So now I'm in office.

Still with a headache and a weird tummy and an aching right ribcage.

But with a slightly better disposition.

Onward I trudge.

It will be a good, great, beautiful, lovely day ahead.

Yes it will be.

I'm missing the two girls already....:(

I hope K has a good 2nd day at his new workplace.

Parenting...much to do

We had parent-teacher conferences for both girls yesterday.

Various things need to be done...capturing it here....both for posterity and as a reminder to self on what needs to be done....

ALYSSA

• Once she had settled down into the infant care environment, she was generally a happy baby and easy baby to handle.
• She can express herself readily and usually only cries when she is hungry, sleepy, tired or upset over something. 
• She's also developed pretty quickly over the last week and can now crawl rather quickly on her tummy. She's also started to want to climb and is pretty much an avid explorer.
• To work on: 
• getting her to take her solids (including porridge, and proteins)
• exposing her to more books, music and creative toys.

NADYA

• She's grown more confident and adept in her socio-emotional aspects. 
• Her spoken language and communication skills (pure talking) seems advanced for her age. Her teacher commented that it feels like she is talking to a young adult rather than a roughly 3-year-old child. Nadya also easily voices her thoughts and does not hesitate to convey her feelings to the teacher. 
• She does have several bad habits that she's picked up. Singlish is one, nagging and scolding others is another. She recently likes to wag/point her finger at others, act assertive and badass and say things like "I tell you ah, you better don't do this!" or "Listen to me! Don't touch that thing!". She did this to random kids in a shopping mall, much to my horror and embarrassment.
• She apparently loves her enrichment classes, which are ballet and gym at the moment. 
• She can tell you when she needs to poo but hasn't started telling us when she needs to pee. This is quite the opposite from most kids, according to her teacher.  
• She knows the sound a letter makes and can recognise the character the letter is associated with, but sometimes cannot identify what that letter itself is. Eg. if you show her "G", she knows it stands for "Golden Girl" and makes the sound "guh" but sometimes can't tell you that it is the letter "G". (The school uses the Letterland concept to teach the kids.)
• To work on:
• toilet-training her (we're halfway through on this...jiayou!)
• preparing her for the transition to using a cup for her afternoon milk when September comes
• preparing her to brush her teeth in school when September comes
• numeracy
• recognition of alphabets 
• correcting her use of Singlish
• correcting her impolite ways of "nagging/scolding" people 
• exposing her to more Mandarin
• building up her social interaction skills 

Hmm...seems alot...
How to tackle these issues...can't be done one at a time...some need to be managed concurrently....

Thoughts......