...sardonicism...

look like a high-class cockroach...somehow always get into such situations...argh...jasper jasper...wat did you do to me???

visited mama yday..haa...she's getting fatter...tt's nice to know...=D but hearing's getting from bad to worse...hmm...no way to solve that though...

this is the first year that I'm not attending hallball...and that I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything...guess I've grown out of it...and the attachment to it...

buck up buck up...can't wallow in the mud always and get stuck in a rut...not doing justice to myself at all...
aaahhhhh....this is so frustrating...who to turn to?? what to do?? negating negativity...how to? cultivating positivity...how to?

tuesday...

jialat...i start the morning thinking of 6pm...i start monday thinking of friday...tsk tsk...

had a nice dinner with pq just now..think i'm such a fuddy duddy..wennt to Phin's again...but i'm secretly in love with the cod fish there..they must have drugged the food there..makes me wanna back thr ever so often...bopian hahha...had fun tokking rot n luffing...and hearing each other out...hmm..must do this more often...though all are busy bees..feel bad..made her wait for me again...always the case, when u're off rushing to meet someone..all the discussions n meetings have to take place...

had a teary moment in the morn...sighz...what's new from the ever emotional me? the one who can't control her feelings?

anyways...have to go work now...yeah yeah..vet through brochure again...hate hate hate it...
till here...

So alone..

So alone..
Whiskers of the night
Trapezing across the land..

So alone..
Bare walls greet me
My cough echoes through the house..

So alone..
The sound of the TV
Reverberates awkwardly though the silence..

So alone..
As a gust blows
And the curtains sway hauntingly..

So alone..
A lonely black ant crawls on my table
Ah..my sole companion for the night..

So alone..
I crave for silence yet
I'm afraid of loneliness..

So alone..

...blar blar blar...

"When you get a chance, take a look out the window. Looks pretty good doesn't it? In fact, everything's looking pretty good. Try to take a few minutes to walk around outside and find all the beauty out there."

That's my horoscope today...hmm...sounds interesting...perhaps things ain't always as bad as they seem..just need some time to take a breather and have a go at it again...

Things were pretty uneventful today...somehow had a nagging backache in the afternoon.. wonder if it's my heels...hmm...don't think so though..my posture? my sleeping position?...argh... certain angles just makes me grimace...getting old?? damn...even now as i sit, certain angles make me squirm...hope it gets better tmr...

went for a short short short jog just now...wondering y myself...i guess i had the mood..wanted to vent frustrations..had nothing to do anyway..and well..a little bit of exercise goes a long way...

frustrated cos well..you spend time and $$ doing something..then the people at the top keep changing their mind...then it makes u seem like as if what you're doing is nonsensical crap...and it kinda reflects not very good on you??...and it's shit...this cycle's been going on and on since like what?? half a year ago????? run, chase, update...change, run and chase again...update...change again...run again....

had my appraisal done this afternoon by ET...didn't exactly sit down and go through per se..more like she filled it up, I filled it up...then pass to boss to fill it up...then hoorah!! we're over and done with it....hmm...not entirely pleased...nope..not at all...things you put effort in ends up not really being recognised..things you don't put effort in earns you points....irony big time...but well...life ain't a bed of roses...hmm...cun complain too much...

made an appt to cut my hair on Wednesday..decided to take half day instead of full day...yeah, ahboy made sense...think if i force myself up early...i'll have a more fulfilling day ahead...filled with running errands, praying and cutting hair and hmm..shopping? haa...

feel like highlighting with blondish streaks but kinda apprehensive of how it'll be when it grows out...cos I can't have chemicals touching my scalp for many months to come...then like that when it grows out..it's not gonna look that great...hmm....fodder for thought...

it's funny...how at certain points in time..people you've not heard from for a period of time suddenly pop up again in your life at the same time and ask you out for meals...sunday's horoscope was right..i have to make sure my social life ain't too hectic haa...

enough crap for today...shall go lounge.......

~I will be happy. I will be strong~

rattle...lalalla.....

hammie...got him on 6th Sept 2003...my gauge at that time was that he was born in the month of August...so that makes hammie 2yrs old already...and going strong.. =) still remember the time when I saw him...and picked him cos I knew he was gonna be a real sweetie...and he has been...love it when he curls into a little white ball of fur...or when he just rests his head on the ledge of his potty...and when he just sits in your palm and lets you stroke him...

and i miss baby, peanut and bitu...and mama and papa...been more than 2 yrs since they passed on...was just walking past that tree the other day and suddenly thought of them...especially baby...haa...the only one whom mum n dad really doted on...and the only one who had the priviledge of living in an air-conditioned room...haa...

==============================

Other thoughts....

1. wonder how tomorrow night's dinner is gonna be like...
2. Am i a bonafide Sex and the City freak?? damn...watched 10 episodes today....that makes it like what...5hours????? sheesh....
3. Gotta learn to let go of the past and just live for the moment man...hate it when I spend the whole day alone doing my own stuff and then..poof!! i find myself starting to think about days of yesteryear...aw man..I gotta jazz my life up man...*rolls eyes*


Dumbells here I come...haha...

the weekend's here...hmm...

hmm...was walking around bugis village with ahboy yday...haa...shall go back one day to comb the area...sans him...woohoo haha... =)

quite like the bag he got yday..looks pretty good...luv my shorts..didn't realise it was reversible till i went home...wat a bonus..hee...my hair's growing out...lotsa baby hair sticking out at the top of my head...no idea how to get them to stay down..making me look messy...macham rooster....and yeah, it doesn't help that that part's not rebonded...

was quite a cranky day in office for me yday..bouncing around, talking rot..luffing my head off, acting silly...TGIF mood perhaps...or simply bochup haha...which is which? it's weird...the weekend's here...not entirely elated or what...dunno leh, just have this kind of "yah, it's here, so what?" type of feeling...hmm....?????? ....think I won't have anything on tonight...

had dessert in Geylang...the corn & water chesnut soup didn't taste as good as I remembered it to be though...lotsa night activities going on too...and sometimes, I wonder what actually led those girls (or even aunties) to do what they're doing...different people, different paths, different lives...

and ya, guess what, none from the uni gang has even replied me yet...WHY do I even bother to arrange get-togethers anymore????

ok, I've decided. Wednesday. will take leave...go pray, cut hair and maybe meet ahboy for dinner...then go home watch Superstar...watched the re-run this afternoon...cried when Weilian sang his second song...piangz...what's gotten into me man? haa....

rattling off...will be back later....hmm....=D

...conundrum...

well...just bathed..smelling nice and sweet...miss him...but well....that's another story altogether...

dinner was really full just now..went to Rice Table, the suntec branch...listening to the WSH trainers talk..it was interesting..and well..it got even more interesting when the bosses finally came and we scooted to the far end of the table for our own spate of fun...trying out the various dishes and luffing amongst ourselves...heh..CH was a ball of fun...=D But downside is...think they put alot of MSG..am still feeling quite thirsty till now...been guzzling watdr like nobody's business since I came home....too full to drink liao...

just gonna leave my mark here for today...then blowdry my hair and then go watch the video-taped version of LOST...supposed to be a good episode today....will Charlie die??....*rubbing hands together*... =)

looking forward to the weekend..cos I don't have to do anymore vetting of collaterals and designing of flyers...think I must have leafed through like a novel's worth of pages over the past few days...whether it be soft copy or hard copy...and I can relac one corner...thinking of taking a day's leave next week..to just chill out.. no, vege out is more like it....haa....with no one at home...woohoo....it's beginning to sound more and more like a great notion..... =p

Next few weeks might be busy...14th dinner with Will & gang, 24th din with PQ & gang, 27th din with duckie babes...hope Lydia's doing fine...got a rude shock by what she told me this afternoon...sigh...didn't know such jerks still existed in SG...and worse still, roamed around in our unsuspecting midst....but well, it's a rude jolt back to reality I suppose...the world is beautiful..but it ain't that beautiful all the time...

Am abit upset..sent out an email to the uni gang to suggest an outing...bloody hell, nobody replied at all..only dan acknowledged via msn...chey... =( what a waste of my efforts...somemore went to do up the powerpoint...argh......

haa...stupid win...left a damn funny testimonial on friendster for me...haa...tomorrow doing UAT...woohoo..looking forward to it...though it's still vetting, but it's a different form of vetting...heh...

today's marcus' bday...wished him yday...but was too early...cun blame me lah, don't know whether US is ahead or behind us in terms of time...apparently...they're behind..haa...times flies really....look at him...now happily married...and living in Utah...gosh...

~I will be happy. I will be strong~
~Think happy. Be happy~

lunch time entertainment....

http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/

You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

You are a leader and possibly at this time in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.

You are a perfectionist in everything that you put your hand to. You are demanding and very exacting in the standards you apply to your choice of colleagues and friends -perhaps you demand too much from people. That perfection you seek in a particular person is illusive - perhaps it does not even exist.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like conflict and you endeavor to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.
===========================================

Interesting..Pretty true...well at least 90%...hmm...haa... =D

funny day....

haa...it ain't april fools' day but Kel got me big time man...tokked to him for almost two hours..on and off lah....cos I was at work....and all along I thought he was William!!! argh......brought me on a huge merry-go-round..haa...heng ah..didn't say anything bad or what about anybody... hahaha..=p

That fella..when I told him I was hungry, hadn't had lunch and felt like eating prawn dumplings and nasi briyani...he actually sent me pics of those stuff...*faint*...haa, anyway, had a damn good luff after discovering my boo-boo ...imagine having to control my laughter in office...

But I was also damn blur cock...kinda like had a mental block of some sort..haaa...though at certain points in times I was like thinking to myself..how come William talks this way?? haa...

gosh....he really got me big time..haa... =D

but sighz...left office late....then now still rushing the damn posters out...blogging as a reprieve,.....or is this escapism???? aahhh!!!! hahhahaha

bonkers liaos....

counting down...

wednesday....2 more days to TGIF....=)
counting down to see my baby as well...have not taken lunch...somehow no appetite at all...maybe drink too much water in a bid to contain my parchness...haha...might go grab old chang kee n fruits later...=) gian to eat sotong ball suddenly haa....

listening to Sting now whilst trying to finish up a report...Sting's good man...so different from his other albums...counting down to finishing up this report and the stupid brochures...kena blasted this morning by Babe...though I admit, my fault la for producing such slip-shod work....see what being unmotivated leads to? shucks....haa...but well..bo chup lah...

okok..ciaos for now....*zips back to work*

feeling low again...darn...

Hiding in the sanctuary of my room
I'm sulking...again...
Don't know why I'm feeling this way...again..
Is it me? Feeling absolutely green...

There's a sense that dynamics has changed
How so? I don't know...
Just that niggling feeling
Gnawing away at your heartstrings

Damn this thing called gut feel...
Or is it called over-sensitivity?
Or is it called over-imagination?
Or is it simply called paranoia?

I'm moping...seriously moping..
About something I don't even know exists or not..
Tsk tsk tsk...
And I don't know what to do about it...

kissing a fool...

am i a fool to have been waiting?
waiting in vain...
what the f*ck am i doing?
up at 3am....

you must have been kissing a fool...

hmmm....

hmm...let's see..what happened over the past few days...

Friday night was a fun night..and yep, I was a vege for the first half of the day...had a huge buffet dinner at Noble House..food was great..company was nice..venue was nice... =) the Kung Bao Chicken and salmon sashimi was great..not forgetting my fav oatmeal prawns and the soon hock! Popped by Clarke Quay to jalan jalan abit and explore the area after that too...then parked our silly bums at Coffee Bean at Boat Quay...think the walk did us good...helped to burn off the calories courtesy of the huge dinner...

Kinda suaku, nv been to Clarke Quay for darn long..didn't know the place changed so much...definitely much more vibrant..and hmm...find that the restaurants seem nicer than those at Boat Quay...haa...woohoo...new place for makan and chill out..haa....hey...going there tonight! with PQ...

Saturday..went to catch the fireworks at marina bay!! Ah boy and me were at the Benjamin Sheares bridge...woohoo...the display was just right in front of our eyes! So many different colours and patterns...twists, swirls, starbursts, and more twirls...haa...pity I didn't have a video cam with me to record it down...but it felt nice to just stand there with him to watch it all...and etch it down into our memories...6th Aug 2005...will keep that in mind... =) Last year was on the 15th of Aug...haa...when we went to the Esplanade to catch it...

Went to catch Seven Swords after the fireworks...disappointing...was luffing at the "storyline" throughout the show...though there weresome touching moments lah..haha...and ok, the eye candy did help alleviate my "suffering"...kinda felt that Zheng Zi Dan looked like TP...

tonight...

Here I am once again
Sitting alone in the darkness
Silent solitude
Waiting, just waiting...

Slithers of moonlight splay my room walls
I can hear crickets in the night
The air seems still
The chill is haunting

I feel hot tears welling up
I want to cry
But somehow, those jewels of emotions
Do not fall

There are so many things I want to say
But when I open my mouth
My tongue freezes
The words do not come

There are so many things I wish to hear
My ears are open
But the words do not come
Perhaps patience will earn me some

Ah, a single jewel falls
A glistening trail in its wake
The heart is weak
The mind is asunder

Feelings so deep I cannot comprehend
Emotions so thick I cannot hold
Lost in a land with no space and time
Caught in a web of void

Unable to juxtapose
With what I have ever experienced before
Weary and spent
As I drag myself

The crickets are still out there
Slumber beckons as I lay me down
With the hope that as time goes by
Perhaps patience will earn me some

Triple Ex....

Ex-es
Always a topic which I'm keenly interested in. Can you still be friends with ex-es? For me, so far so good...For some others whom I've spoken to, it just seems that it's impossible to maintain a platonic relationship thereafter. Even if they ended things amicably...

I dunno..Just don't really understand why..I mean, if things ended not on a bad note, then why can't the two parties remain as good friends? Can't be lovers? Then be good friends lor..simple as that...or am I thinking too naively?

Expletives
Crude, crass, banal...hell, you can even call me anal...am spouting expletives like they're second language to me...aw man...not good not good...whatever happened to my virginal sweet-young-thing image?

To think today I almost uttered a cuss word in front of my boss...
Any idea how to change this bad habit?? But sometimes it's really just the simplest form of relieveing frustration/anger....

Extravagance
Looking through my expense record for the past year..damn...extravagance seems to be a part of me...or is it a woman thing?? or does it come naturally with increased spendingpower?? To be frank, some stuff I bought over a year ago still hangs in my cupboard, clean and err....un-worn...or clean and err...unused...

And ya, I'm a CAB woman...tsk tsk....

The more I see you

The more I see you
The more I want you
Somehow this feeling
Just grows and grows
With every sigh
I become more mad about you
More lost without you
And so it goes
Can you imagine
How much I'll love you
The more I see you
As years go by?
I know the only one for me
Can only be you
My arms won't free you and
My heart won't try
=========================
Michael Buble "The More I See You..."

god's creations...

was just taking a slow walk from IP to the mrt tonight after work..Liang Jing Ru was playing in my ears..I was tuned out to the outside world...Looked at all the people around me...and started wondering...if God created each and every single person in the world...then he must have been one with an extremely creative/visual mind...

To have created each person different from the other...be it physically, mentally, emotionally...he must have needed a super artistic mind to have considered all diferent permutations & combinations in order to make each one of us a unique individual...man, am I thinking too much?

On the way home...walking from the mrt to the bus interchange..was thinking...so many people walking past each other...each with his own thoughts, emotions and feelings..each with her own past, preent and future...each with his own hope, ambitions and aspirations...each with her own despair, grief and sadness...who knows, we might have walked past each other countless times before?? Bottomline is, beneath each facade..lies different stories, different experiences...

And if God manages all of us...how does he cope? how does he help?

And is there only one god? so many deities in the world with so many different religions worshipping different gods..but do they all ultimately point back to one singular god up there??

hmm....

home...

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be alright
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

============================

fav song from Michael Buble....

my trusty cellphone...& a depressing poem

had a nice dinner with yiyong..poor guy was sneezing away..and he made me wait at least half an hour for him..grrr...anyway..for that half hour..had nothing to do & ended up saving this on my cellphone..goodness..my faithful companion in my hour of need...

Running
Through emptiness
A cold draught blows
My blood courses within me
Hot & searing
Yet
I feel cold
A chill surges through me
Panting
As I seek
Floundering
As I search
Despair & panic grips
Arms flailing
As I sink deeper
Into the abyss
Of nothingness

hmm...wonder why it sounds so depressing haa...anyway, the point is...it's sad how my cellphone has become so much a part of me..I'd feel god damn lost if I didn't have my phone with me..

It's evolved to be my alarm clock, my personal assistant, my phone book, my connection to my network of friends, my entertainment when i'm bored, my time-teller...gosh..I even bring it into the bathroom with me at times when I bathe!!! just so I can respond to an sms...if there is even one!! piangz..can't believe myself...technology...hell, even my parents sms me..and their retiree group of friends...haa...

uh oh...almost 11pm...better go dry hair....and report strength... =)

grapes, gropes...ahhh....GRIPES...

At a time when I'm about to embark on a virgin vegetarianism effort on the 1st & 15th of each lunar month..I receive an invite to attend a friend's ROM dinner gathering this friday...on the same day that my virgin vegetarian journey is supposed to commence...how timely!!!

...partially disappointed..partially cursing...but ah well...am resigned to fate and erm....a test of strength? (haha, abit exaggerated I know)...was given the option of staying at home by wm...pls, i'd rather not be at home on a friday night...will still go & enjoy the group's company & camaraderie...and at the same time...will still embark on my journey haaa....albeit with a slight longing for my meat...haha...

realised that i've morphed into a griping, nagging woman...lor soh & ah soh...aw man.....and i'm not even 25...yet...

till here...gonna meet yiyong for dinner...before he flies back to the states...CREATION here I come!!!! woohoo!! teiyaki chicken meatball pasta!! and the brrrowniee....=)))) *yum yum*