.....

The feeling of rejection has never been greater. 

Happy Two Weeks Precious Girl

How time flies.

Your cheeks have grown chubbier.

You're still as feisty. 

You've developed more facial expressions.

Your hair's turning a lighter shade.

Your toes are still wriggling all the time.

Your face is getting more squarish.

You're liking the music from the cot mobile now. 

You still don't enjoy bathing.

And daddy and mummy love you even more each day. 

This Morning

Horror is when

You accidentally drop the milk bottle

Without its cover on

Sadness is when

You know the milk bottle contains 

Your own milk

Exasperation is when

You find that you need to clean the floor 

And squat with your still slightly aching wound

Relief is when

You realise that the milk bottle

Contains only 10ml of your milk (and not 80ml)

Thankfulness is when

You realise that you still have 

Enough supply to pump out for your child

Acceptance is when

You tell yourself that this is just a tiny incident

Get a grip and move on

6 different emotions

Fleeting by all within 3 seconds 

Such is life

Periphery

The edge

The outskirts

The outer boundary 

The shadows

The sidelines

The perimeter

The brink

The verge 

The outermost 

Me-time Thoughts

Too much noise

Too many people

Too many hands 

Too much for 

This introvert me

Need a peaceful

Sanctuary of sorts

K, N and I 

Three of us

Still a dream 

To be fulfilled

I Wonder...

By the time my confinement ends...

- How many litres of longan-red date-ginger tea I would have consumed.

- How many kampong chickens were used to cook my meals or to make soup for me.

- How many cups of brown rice were used for my meals.

- How many kilograms of ginger, red dates, black dates, dried longans and lemongrass were used to make my meals, drinks and bathing water. 

- How many eggs were used for my daily breakfast.

- How many millilitres of Martel VSOP were used to brew soups for me.

- How many bottles of chicken essence I consumed. 

- How many cups of Milo I consumed. 

- How many slices of ngor hee, cod and sang yu fish slices I had

As a New Mum

You come to realise several things:

1. Every drop counts. This has never taken on more meaning for me than it has now that I am breastfeeding and expressing milk.

2. Everyone wants a piece of the action, be it just seeing and touching the baby, or taking care of the baby, or feeding the baby, or cleaning the baby, ....

3. The number of people I've physically exposed myself to over the last 11 days is way way way more than the number of people who have seen me naked/semi-naked in my entire life. Flashing my boobs to others while breastfeeding or expressing milk in the house (except my FIL of course) seems the norm these days. 

4. Frustration, being upset and having some form of helplessness sets in pretty easily. I guess the phenomenon of postnatal blues is true, especially in the first 2 weeks after delivery. Trying to keep a positive and calmer mindset, although external factors are difficult to control. 

5. While it is perplexing not being able to understand your baby's cries and trying to learn how to care for your baby, seeing your baby smile or sleep peacefully in her cot is enough to shoo away any negativities there might be. 

6. While there are guidelines, advice and suggestions, ultimately a lot of things are based on gut feel, and trial and error. It becomes a perpetual on-the-job-training, which makes sense in a way, since it is a lifelong responsibility raising a child. 

Wise Words

照顾baby要有三个心：爱心， 耐心，专心。

- Auntie Chiew Fong, the super confinement nanny

So so true. Maybe I'll add on another 心：恒心

Happy Birthday

17 October 2013.

My 33rd birthday must be my most memorable ever, although it was spent quietly at home. Well-wishes and greetings from friends and family warmed my heart and I received 2 surprises at the same time. Dear K got a red velvet cake for me and it was adorned with pretty red rose buds on the top. Ally and PQ arranged for a lovely bouquet with purple-pink roses to be sent to me and it was accompanied by a cheese and salted caramel cake.

And of course, I gave myself a big present this year too. Went through some   hardship getting the present "delivered". Pun intended. BUT, it was well worth it. :) 

呼吸

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空

深呼吸一下

小事，没事

The Arrival

It was like how I remembered it to be. During the brain op back in 2005, I wasn't wearing specs when they wheeled me towards the operating theatre. I remembered feeling dizzy looking at the bright corridor lights above me.

It was the same this time round on the morning of 9 Oct 2013. Rows of white fluorescent lights flashed by in a blurry line above me while I lay in a trolley bed and the attendants wheeled me past corners, into lifts and past corridors. 

I was put in a holding area, more nurses and attendants came by, all asking the same questions. "What is your name?" " What is your IC number?" And then they would slip back into their own hospital speak to update each other on what or where I was supposed to be going through next. I had to sign some documents, all of which I can't remember what they were about. There were cheery, sincere, friendly nurses and docs, there was a fair share of stoic, rigid, straight-faced nurses and docs as well. 

The experience in the actual OT room was vastly different though. I was awake this time round, very fully aware of the large number of people in the room, the beepings of the monitoring equipments, the clanking of the operation tools, the very bright lights above the operation table, the very very cold air, the sound of people putting on surgical gloves, the sound of the main doc issuing instructions, the buzz of an electric shaver, the light banter between the docs and nurses and whoever else was in there....

I was given two jabs into my spine to numb me from the tummy area to my toes. I was given a shave down there. Different people were working on various parts of me. I was bombarded with questions and updates all at the same time. It was overwhelming. All I wanted to tell them was "Can you all stop making so much noise? I need space, give me space. I am feeling claustrophobic now. I am scared." 

Scary could be a word to describe the experience. Traumatising seems exaggerated so maybe overwhelming might be more appropriate. 

I did not feel the blade when they cut into me. But I could feel the swaying. My body was swaying from left to right when they made the incision. I remember telling them I felt nauseous and breathless. And I remembered someone saying it was a normal reaction to the anaesthetic. Some other lady told me to relax. Someone stuck a syringe into my drip plug and left it crudely sticking out from the plug. Someone else adjusted a wire snaking up my arm and onto my chest. I recognized my gynae's voice and he was telling me that they needed to push down on my belly. 

Push they did. I felt my belly emptying and the next thing I knew was that I heard the loudest baby cry ever. It filled the entire OT room and more and it kept on going. Someone above my head said "Congratulations." Someone else further away commented "Wow that's loud." Someone said "Female." And then Little Baby's genitalia was thrust into my view and then whisked away again. 

Someone else made her way to the side of my head and introduced herself and told me that my baby would be placed on me for skin to skin contact. 

And then suddenly, she was plonked onto my chest. This squirmy and somewhat sticky little thing, with blinking eyes and scratchy fingers. 

I thought I would cry the first time I saw her but I didn't. The speed and intensity at which things happened probably didn't give me time to react emotionally. I often wondered what my reaction would be and what I would say to her. 

In the end, I only managed a cheesy "Hello Little Baby". And I wondered if she heard it because I still had on my oxygen mask. 

I held her. She's so soft and small and red, I thought to myself. She was squirming and made little mewing and squealing sounds. She had long fingernails and was scratching at my chest. And then it hit me, she had a full head of fluffy, luscious, wavy hair! 

Welcome to this world Little Baby. Our little Nadya. Daddy and Mummy love you. 

The Month of October

October is usually a significant month for me, mainly because my birthday falls within this month. Two years ago, it took on an extra significance because K and I had our ROM on 8 Oct 2011. And now, October takes on an even greater significance for me because our precious little girl was born on 9 Oct 2013.

The other good thing to happen this October was that I got promoted at work. My boss called it a "double happiness" and that he "engineered" the timing of the promotion to help me celebrate the arrival of my little one. Lol...his uncle humour is so cute at times. 

Sweet K

Touched to the max. K was supposed to head home tonight and then call me when he settled down. He was supposed to come again to the hospital tomorrow morning at 7-plus. I waited for a long time but he didn't call. And then suddenly he appeared at my bedside in the ward again, armed with an overnight bag this time round. *touched*

Nobody stopped him from coming in to the wards anyway and so he settled down into the chair next to my bed and tried to get to sleep. Unfortunately though, an auntie nurse came by an hour later to shoo him away...:( 

Now poor K has to sleep outside in the general area...

Last nice meal before confinement begins

Well, Mac was the easiest craving to indulge in before I started my fast at 11pm on Tues night. :) Thanks to K who ordered it in for me.

Preggy Homer?

Can't help but feel there's a slight (physical/bodily) similarity between Homer Sompson and me at this point in time...hmm. :)

Wish I could sleep as soundly as him though. 

Awake

Tired. But I can't seem to sleep again. Been flipping around for the last 2-plus almost 3 hours, alternating between trying to sleep and fiddling with my phone.

Little Baby's squirming around. I can feel her ever so often. Maybe she knows d-day is drawing very near.

Oh Bleah, may the sweet whispers of sleep find me soon...

All set

Am loving the yellow hues and of course the lovely little bunny. :) 

Good news on a Friday morning

Dad called me excitedly this morning. From his voice, I could tell he was very happy and most probably had a huge grin on his face. :) 

He was at my granny's place and it seemed that she was much more alert today. She could recognize him although she was still not talking. When he showed her pictures of Adrian, Marc and I, she nodded. She actually had the presence of mind to point to the chair to get my Dad to sit down and she could also feed herself today. 

I was so happy to hear about all these. :D 

Wish I had been there to witness this. 

Go Mama go! 

Of books

I'm sorry Mr Lee. I respect you and all but your book is rather dry to me (I've only managed to read till page 20) and I've decided to switch to Mr Gladwell's book for the time being.

Maybe next time I'll give your book a try again ok? No hard feelings ya. :) 

Je veux me coucher mais....

I'm tired but wide awake again. Sleep eludes me somehow. My eyelids are heavy and I've tried closing them for at least the past hour-plus. To no avail. 

I hope I won't be groggy throughout the entire day tomorrow, like how I was today. 

Wonder if counting sheep helps. 

One little lamb

Two little lambs

Three little lambs 

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