Of motherhood

My sister-in-law once told me:

"In the course of your motherhood, you will get people commenting on the way you take care of your child. Sometimes it is with good intent, sometimes it is because of ignorance. Good or bad intent, these words might still bring hurt to you. Try to brush these aside and have faith in what you do. What's more important is that the child is healthy and happy."

How true, Dasao. How true. 

I don't know how many times I have been judged when I share that Little Baby is in infant care. Responses range from incredulous shocked looks which clearly depict "what kind of mother are you???", to more placid reactions like "oh ok! My friend also." And also some nonchalant "ah ok..."

More often than not though it is the former response. And it is usually followed by the person catching himself or herself in mid-action. Some get slightly embarrassed by their own reaction but eventually everyone recovers enough to continue probing. "Expensive right?" "Why?" "You not scared meh?" "What if...." "Har but why?" "You trust them meh?" 

I'm getting slightly tired of these reactions. But I guess, it's just the beginning....there will be more to come. 

The judging, the comments, and the "instructions" coming from various folks...

Everyone seems to be a parent, even when they are not. :) 

Docs earn a lot

Waited 1.5hrs and saw the doc for less than 5 minutes. Sigh. 

There was only one doc and right after he saw me, the second doc came in and the queue moved much faster. Sigh.

3rd visit to the doc and February isn't even over yet. Sigh. 

Two times for bad stomach and once for cough and stuffed nose. Sigh. 

Proud mama

This is Little Baby's first-ever artwork. Done at the age of 4 months and 8 days I'm pretty sure there will be many more art pieces to come. Looking forward!

Bedtime......almost

I enjoy these quiet moments. I try to have them as often as I can. Lying on the bed, just before falling asleep, ruminating, relaxing and feeling thankful for all that I have...

K, Little Baby, my family, my close friends, my stable job, my house which is coming soon, the home K and I are going to build together, my health (though not tiptop but good enough haha), the opportunities given to me at work, colleagues whom I get along with, etc...

Whoosh...

It's been a blur since going back to work.

Wake, feed the girl, wipe and change her and get her ready for school, bathe, prepare myself for work, have a quick breakfast, head to work, bury myself in the tons of things to do while missing her terribly, rush home after work, have a quick dinner, bathe the girl, feed her, put her to sleep, wash bottles, get her things ready for school, bathe, dry hair, indulge in some handphone games, sleep and hope that she doesn't wake in the middle of the night. 

And then the cycle continues the next day...

Bus or cab rides to and from work are spent zoning out or napping for now. Till I find something more meaningful to keep my fuzzy wuzzy mind occupied with.

Interestingly, the 4mins spent typing this post out on my mobile feels quite peaceful. Sitting on my bed and it's dusk with a slight breeze blowing in from the windows. 

Ah ok. The bottles beckon. Time to wash them and prep stuff for her bath!!

Hmmmm....

Office cleaner auntie only saw me today.

Auntie: 欢迎你回来！新年快乐！

Me: oh, 新年快乐！

Auntie: 你看起来比以前好看。真的。比较成熟。

Me: ????

Rant time

Friggin waste of my time. 

I spent a whole day looking through an accreditation application during my maternity leave because I wanted to help a teammate as she was covering me. 

Another colleague W, was supposed to cover me for another portion of the same issue and since I had the prior understanding of how to do it, I listed down a whole list of notes for W to follow-up on as well. Only to now discover that W didn't even pay heed to me and ignored whatever I passed on to her. 

Wtf really. 

Rank比其他人大就能这样taiji吗??? 

也许是我笨，not smart enough at work. 每次就这样傻傻的被override. 

Too much tired

Yesterday was my first day back at work after 4.5 months of leave. 

I missed the little girl but it wasn't as bad as I'd expected. There were things to occupy me. It was kinda tiring though. Brain was a little fuzzy from not enough sleep. When I reached home in the evening, the helper's first sentence to me was....

"Mam, you look too much tired. Ya, too much tired." 

Infant care

4 Feb was her first day at infant care. It was still ok because we spent 2 hours there with her in the morning and another hour in the afternoon. 

Yesterday was tougher because we left her there in the morning and only picked her up at 6pm.  

Missing my Little Baby. Am glad we started this week instead of next week actually. Because it'll be harder for me to adjust next week when I go back to work. 

Then there are the constant thoughts. Is she ok? How is she doing? Is she cold? Has she taken her milk? Did she manage to nap? Did she get tummy time today? ......

Mental preparation

One, to get a grip on myself when Little Baby goes to infant care tomorrow. Think I'll miss her alot and will probably worry about whether she's doing fine.

Two, to psych myself up for 10 Feb when I'll be heading back to work. There is already a big list of things to do. Some of them tedious stuff and all within a certain timeline. The covering officer did not her job. But oh well, I know her "pattern" and half expected this to happen. 

Three, to learn how to manage both work and personal life going forward, now that Little Baby is in the picture. Think there'll be good days and bad days but whatever it is, I'll try to face it with a smile. Well, maybe a scowl or two here and there should be ok? 

Dongdongdongchiang

It's Little Baby's first CNY. I hope she enjoyed seeing new places and hearing different sounds. She was out almost the entire day and got quite cranky by 8pm.

芯乐，新年快乐！妈妈祝你快搞长大，天天开心，生体健康，事事顺心，梦想成真！

The Dance

"Might I have this dance young lady?" I asked.

I gave her my finger and she held onto it tightly.

I held her close and she laid her head on my shoulder. 

And we danced. I twirled her around the room. 

Jazz played in the background on the radio.

When the jazz hour ended I sang and hummed more songs.

And still we danced. I felt happy and free. 

I was laughing. 

She was more subdued but she gurgled and played along and indulged in my excesses.

And we danced. For a good 15-20minutes. 

Just me and her. 

Thank you Little Baby. For dancing with Mummy. 

You gave Mummy the best 20mins ever. :) 

P/s: and then she lost her patience and started bawling.

Granny

She's having skin infection as well, on top of her chest infection. Now they've quarantined her to a single bedder room so that she doesn't pass whatever she has to other patients. 

They have also put her back on the drip. And are plying her with anti-epilepsy pills to control her fits. 

I won't be able to visit her anymore. Can't risk bringing any weird infectious thing back to the little girl. 

Relying on updates from my Dad and Aunt. 

Stay strong Granny. 

Scary dream

Had a bad dream last night. Again. 

But last night's was pretty scary. 

I don't remember much except that it had creepy crawlies and roaches and had some supernatural ring to it. I so remember seeing a green-colored satchel with blood stains being on he ground. It was a crime scene or something like that. 

Ugh. Already not having enough sleep and now whatever little sleep I get is plagued by weird ass dreams. 

Zzzzz.....

Stomach spoil again

I always seem to get a weird tummy just before, during or just after a festive occasion. 

The last time it happened was on 1 Jan New Year's Day. 

Had slight diarrhoea on Sat night, had a really queasy tummy on Sunday, and had slight diarrhoea again today. 

Argh. Popping pills from the doc. 

May I recover by the time CNY comes! I still want my bak kwa, pineapple tarts and heh bee hiam rolls.

Stay strong Michelle. 

Little Baby

The poor little girl had two jabs this morning. Part of a whole series of vaccinations she would have in her early years.

She is starting to warm up. I think she'll develop a fever in the middle of the night or by tomorrow morning. 

Stay strong little one. 

Granny

Apparently the previous strokes Granny had left scars on her brain. And these scars in turn have caused parts of her brain to not work as well as before. Probably that's why she can't really recognise us anymore. 

And these same scars caused her to have epileptic fits this afternoon. She was actually supposed to be discharged tomorrow but now, with the occurrence of these episodes of fits, we are not sure how long more she needs to be warded. Sigh. The docs are sending her for an MRI scan to determine how else to treat her. 

Keeping our fingers crossed. Sigh.

Stay strong Granny.

Granny

Gran is in hospital again. Chest infection and urinary tract infection. Double whammy this time round. 

Once again the hospital staff had to restrain her and tie her hands to the sides of the bed to prevent her from scratching herself and from pulling out the drip plug on her left hand. 

She's old and frail but she's still a feisty one when she wants to. 

I hope she gets well before CNY arrives. She'll be 98 when 7 Feb comes around. God, please protect her. 

Conversations

I realized there's a lot of monologues and 自问自答 situations when talking to a baby who can't yet speak. Hahahah.

You won't feel it that much when you're the one doing the talking but when you watch and hear another person doing it, it's always pretty amusing. Hahah...

K: (holding a book) This is a ruler. 

LB: (stares)

K: What goes with a ruler? 

LB: (stares)

K: A pencil! Yes! A pencil! This is a pencil. 

LB: (stares) 

Zzz

Not been sleeping well the last couple of days. Either I'm plagued by strange and sometimes bad dreams or I get a slight anxious or panicky episode while I am

half awake. 

How I wish I can sleep like Little Baby...without a care in the world.