Little Baby

There are those who say she looks like me. Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. As for this photo....yeah, maybe she's my mini-me from certain angles...:) 

Pic for Posterity

Chubby mummy :) 

Went out for a quick lunch with Kelvin Han, Lili and Han Chuan on Monday at Prego. My ex-colleagues from IDA. 

Reflections

It's 3rd Jan already. I haven't had much chance to reflect on what 2015 was for me, much less plan for what I would like 2016 to be. 

2015 was several things all at once. Challenges, tantrums, love, restlessness, laughter, family.

I can't say it went jolly well throughout the whole year, nor can I say that the highs trumped the lows. Perhaps 2015 was a year of equal highs and lows. Looking forward to a better 2016.

(But hor...it's the year of the Monkey. I 犯太岁! Zzzz....Fingers crossed!!)

CHALLENGES

Work. A long-drawn project 3 years in the making. Damn, it's 2016 already. Make that 4 years in the making. If I don't lead this project to its finishing point by this FY, I'll much definitely be roast meat. FML. Also, pesky colleagues picking on your nerves. 

On the homefront. Being pregnant and having to look after a sticky, whiny, "tantrummy" toddler stretched my patience to the limits. I cried many a time. 

Hired a helper. Which ironically, lessened my physical toll of having to do chores but totally upped my mental toll because I had added responsibilities of erm....being responsible for someone else, making sure she understood her role and the parameters she could work within, and well....managing her and her tasks.

Pregnancy. I put on more weight and was also more tired, especially from the 6th month onwards. 

TANTRUMS

Enough said. Crying, fussing, kicking, flailing, whining, screaming, shouting, shrieking, struggling. Heaving chest, flared nostrils and angry big puffy eyes. Coupled with spittle, snot, tears, and more saliva. Doesn't help that I am Little Baby's go-to person when she is seeking comfort, even if I was ironically the one who caused her meltdown. Absolutely tiring carrying an 11-12kg little person. Even more so when you were carrying another one within you. 

LOVE

Need I say more? 2015 was a year when I discovered I had more love to give than what I thought I already had. Peanut carved out another huge chunk of space in my heart. She didn't need much effort. :) Maybe it was because I was more successful at breastfeeding this time round. Maybe it was because I was more experienced. Whatever it was, I developed a bond with her much faster than I did with Little Baby last time. 

Little Baby frustrates me to no end sometimes. But I still love her to bits. 

K? While I might not have professed much to him openly, yes he has a big space in my heart too of course. Heh.

RESTLESSNESS 

Not quite sure if tiredness had a part to play in this but yes restlessness featured in my life from time to time. More so in the last quarter of the year. Perhaps it was monotony and unresolved issues at work. Perhaps it was the perpetual clutter at home. Perhaps it was too much of looking after the kids. Perhaps it was a lack of social life. Perhaps it was my inner  self wanting something more extraordinary to happen. 

LAUGHTER

I had much laughter in my life in 2015 and I am thankful. Friends at work made workdays bearable. Laughter and hearty chats during lunch hours gave me some strength and added some zest to my life. 

Little Baby cheered me up with her silly antics and spontaneous dances. These days Peanut makes me laugh too with her toothless grins and gurgles. 

FAMILY

I love my family. They are always there for me and I am grateful and thankful for that. I look forward to the weekly Saturday dinners at my parents' place. 2015 was no exception and I was especially grateful for the help my mum gave when Peanut arrived or when K went on overseas trips. 血浓于水。:)

说不出

说不出的累

说不出的无奈

说不出的烦

说不出的纳闷

说不出的心思

The Father

Dad has been looking haggard of late. Well, at least the last 3weeks or so. His eyes seem more sunken. His eyebags are more prominent. His dark eye circles are even darker than usual. And his eyes seem a little lackluster. 

But his spirit's still the same. Old man with a cheery and cheeky disposition, loud voice and hearty laughter. 

I hope he is okay. I've brought this to the attention of both my mum and brother. Another 2 pair of eyes to monitor my observations of him. 

73 years old, 74 next year. 

Stay strong Dad...I love you. 

Bah

A cough can be persistent. And I hate it when I get one of those. 

This ticklish cough has been around for 10 or 11 days already. Lurking around and refusing to buzz off even after a round of antibiotics.

Made a second trip to the doctor's today. Now I need to take 2 types of cough mixture simultaneously. 

Mission: 

Eradicate. Annihilate. This irritating cough. 

Ganbatte!

*cough* *splutter* 

If

If I were granted a Christmas wish this year, I'd be greedy and wish for two wishes to be given. 

My first wish would be for everyone dear to me (and myself) to remain healthy, happy and blessed always and to have everything good going for them. This just about covers everything from K having a smooth career to my parents having a clean bill of health, to my dear friends having everything going smoothly for them in all aspects, to my two little girls having good health and good learning experiences, to other dear friends finding peace within themselves, etc....

And my second wish would be for D & YL to receive what they have wished for wholeheartedly over the last 6 years - a baby of their own. May they also receive good news of their wait in the queue for IVF treatment. And may their IVF treatment be a successful one. I know how much both of them want this and I really do hope they receive good news soon enough. May God bless them in this journey of theirs. IVF treatment is not an easy thing to undergo....

Converse Shoes!!

I've been wanting a pair of Converse sneakers since time immemorial...ok abit of an exaggeration...since several years back. Even before Nadya came along I think. 

I don't remember why but somehow I have never gotten to doing it. 

I remember standing in a Converse retail store in 2013 thinking to myself "should I get it now?". I didn't in the end because I was pregnant with Nadya and it didn't make sense at that time to buy something I wouldn't wear during pregnancy. 

K fulfilled that wish for me today. So sweet. :)

(Thank you Sayang!)

He was running some of his own errands and included a trip to the Converse store in his to-do list. He also got a pair for himself and a tiny pair for Nadya. It is our 全家装of sorts haha. A footwear version. 

Nadya was excited about it for awhile. She was trying to tie her shoelaces for a good 10minutes plus. :) 

A Mother's Life

It's 930pm.

Alyssa is asleep.

Nadya is asleep.

The helper is asleep.

K is also asleep.

And here I am, about to take my shower. Then I need to express milk before I hit the sack.

Life of a mother?

First to wake, last to sleep...

Jiayou!!!

累了，病了

就知道会有这个情形出现。每天熬夜不够睡，再加上Nadya的runny nose 和cough, 我也中标倒了。

Self-medicate 了几天但似乎没什么进步。今早就去看了医生，讨了几种药回家。他还给了我antibiotics…

希望病能够快一点好。我怕会传给Alyssa…

Mother's Guilt

Nadya's stickiness to me and her crankiness is preventing me from spending more time with Alyssa, which I would really like to do actually. 

I hope Alyssa knows that I am her mother...

Sigh

Nadya

It was between the hours of 4am and 5am this morning. 

I found myself sobbing, and sitting on the floor of Nadya's room. 

She had woken at 4am, drunk milk, insisted on me carrying her and then refused to get back to sleep. And she was in one of her crankier moments. Cantankerous, obnoxious, fussy, demanding, unreasonable. 

She has been this way since the previous weekend. Probably a consequence of her not feeling well with a runny nose and a slight cough. Possibly also due to other reasons which we cannot confirm i.e. jealousy due to Alyssa's presence. 

She has also been waking up numerous times each night. It is taking a toll on me, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sleep deprivation sucks big time. It fucks the mind up too.

She has also been extremely sticky to me. Only I can feed her and put her to bed and do certain things with her. Even during playtime with my parents on Saturday at their place, she insisted that I be around near her. She went ballistic during a car ride because I'd chosen to sit in the front passenger seat with Alyssa. (I had to nurse the baby). 

She also wants to follow me everywhere. It is an "honor" I could sometimes do without though. I do not need a pair of saucer eyes staring at me while I take a dump or a piss in the toilet. 

I felt cornered this morning, sitting in her room with her door closed and curtains drawn. Backed up into a tight space with nowhere else to turn. There is no flight option when it comes to parenting. You can only stay and fight on. 

I was very frustrated at that point in time. Still am actually. Tired and frazzled as well. Hence the tears. While I cried, she continued sitting on her bed, whining and fussing away. I tried to keep a check on myself and only allowed myself a few short minutes of tears before tackling her again. 

She had insisted on me carrying her and going out to the living room or my own room. It lasted an hour before she finally settled down but still not in her bed. On the mattress below her bed (which we place there to catch her in case she rolls off the bed). And I had to sleep with her there.

Woke later on with aches and pains and a sore arm. She had used it as a pillow and her head is rather big. 

Taking care of a toddler is far more challenging than taking care of a baby...

I pray for strength, patience, tolerance and more love. 

Having 2 Kids Means....

1. An even messier house

2. Even crazier nights

3. Even shorter sleeping hours, if any (see 2)

4. A lot more love 

5. A lot more worries (on my part that is, not sure about K)

6. More bulk when heading out (think: extra diapers, clothes, milk, snacks, toys, stroller, etc)

7. More adventures when outside (think: a bawling baby and a screaming toddler)

8. An even fuzzier and blur mind from the lack of rest (see 2 & 3 above) 

9. You don't care if you have shaved or not and step out of the house praying your fur is really just invisible tufts transparent to the naked eye. (See 3)

10. Sometimes you don't have any idea what you are doing but you just do it anyway. Things can't be that bad right?

Achievement unlocked

A day shy of 26 months old.

Nadya pooed in her potty! 

Pic for posterity haha. 

Rivulets

Sometimes

You can't control it 

The rivers spring up 

And form their own meandering paths

Big sister, little sister

I've never had that much "mood swings" as I do now. 

Happy a moment, frustrated the next. Tired and grouchy one moment, roaring with laughter the next. 

Ah yes. Welcome to the world of 2 kids. 

Whatever it is. 

I feel blessed. Really. 

Freaky is when.....

Your 25 month-old wakes in the middle of the night and you are trying to put her back to sleep. She dozes off after a long while and then she suddenly wakes again and says with a whimper....

"Mama! Ah. Ah. Who beat me? Who beat my hand?"

"Nobody beat your hand sayang. Lie down and go back to sleep. Close your eyes."

"Mama! Somebody beat my hand...somebody!"

In my sleep-fuddled mind, I have to admit, I was a little spooked.

Conversations with a 25 month-old

A couple of mornings ago, I found a strange looking piece of something on Nadya's bed. It was somewhat round and a deep brown colour, almost black.

Me: Ew, what is this??
N: This is my pi sai. *nods sagely*
Me: -_-''

She knows pi sai means nose wax in Hokkien. I wonder where she picked it up from. Could me us, could be my inlaws or could be from school...

Mildly amused that she knows some Hokkien words like "chau chau" (smelly smelly) and "pi sai" (nose wax).

Tuesday night

Last night went alright. Not the most ideal but a great improvement from Monday night.

Each of the two girls woke only once, at around the same time of 230am/300am.

Nadya as usual came into my room. Hugging her blanket in one hand and rubbing her eyes with the other. It was 240am and I was expressing milk. Instead of going back to my room to wait for me, she chose to lie down on my pillow on the floor next to me while I finished up.

I hummed her favourite "This Old Man" song to her while the milk pump buzzed away. Not the most peaceful heartwarming scene but oh well, the best I could do given the circumstances haha.

Monday night madness

If Sunday night was a trying one then Monday night was madness.

Nadya slept at 915pm.
Alyssa slept at 1030pm.
I slept at 1130pm.

Alyssa woke at 12am, 2am, 4am and 5am.
Nadya woke at 130am and 530am. And each time she woke she came into my room to find me.

I think I only slept maybe 3 hours?
Broken into bits of 30mins, 30mins, 1.5hrs and a final 30mins.

After my inlaws came to pick Nadya up for school on Tuesday morning, I crashed into bed and got some sleep for another 1.5hrs before the grasscutter downstairs woke me up. Needless to say, I had a dull ache in the head for most of the day....and was somewhat grouchy for the first half of the day. 

Side snippet: 
When I asked Nadya on Tuesday morning why she kept coming into my room the night before, she replied "I want Mama."
Endearing and exasperating at the same time.