Memories

I'm just glad she attended our ROM lunch. 

This was 2.5years ago when she was still lucid. That clip in her hair was actually mine...simple black bobby pin with some pink diamanté flowers stuck on it. She was happy that day for she had the chance to feast on Peranakan food. 

........

After seeing the doc this morning, I still had 2 hours of free time to kill before my dental appointment. 

I thought to myself: "Maybe there's enough time to go visit mama at the nursing home."

And almost instantaneously I also came to realise my mistake. It was truly a WTF moment. 

Either I have a severe lack of sleep and my brain is below optimum performance or.......reality hasn't quite sunken in fully for me yet.....

Bah...

This year has not been exactly smooth-sailing. Must check zodiac again, monkey this year fan tai sui is it?! 

Maybe I need to pray more or bathe in flower water. 

Just went to see doc. I've an ear infection in my right ear. Never had it before in my 30-odd years of existence. And to think I pride myself for keeping my ears clean. Even the doc commended me and said my ears were very clean. 

Then how the hell did I get this ear infection?! 

Even the doc had no answer for me....

Sigh...

Sigh

I just saw a lady at the bus stop. She was very thin. Skeletal really. 

That was not the scary thing. 

What was scary was that she was wearing form-fitting clothes. She could actually find clothes that were form-fitting and not the least bit baggy. If those were adult women's clothes that she was wearing then I am quite perplexed. 

You mean they actually sell clothes that small? What message are these clothes manufacturers sending out? 

What messages are those airbrushed images of "perfect" models sending out? 

Another moth sighting

We ran errands at Parkway earlier today. As we were in the carpark and preparing to leave, K told me there was a brown moth on Little Baby's stroller. (I was carrying her by that point) 

He pushed the stroller hoping that the moth would fly away but it didn't. Only when he folded the stroller up did it fly away....

Another milestone of sorts

Little Baby managed to stay in her car seat for the entire journey between our place and my parents' place. No
fuss at all.

This was a far cry from before. Initially she could only last less than 5mins in the seat, and that was at home on the floor. 

Now it's a full 15mins in the car seat in the car! Goody! 

Another moth

It's getting a little too coincidental...

A moth appeared again today. Same type, brownish. Same size too. 

I was on the bus home, sitting on the upper deck by the window. Somewhere along the route, after the Old Airport Road hawker centre, a moth suddenly appeared outside my window. It was fluttering here and there and landed on the window quite a few times, right next to my face. And then it flew off. 

Today is the 14th day since Mama passed....

Oh, hello moth

A brown moth appeared again tonight. This time round it was in Little Baby's room, on a wall high up and near the ceiling. 

It's the 12th day since Mama passed on. 

And it is said moths represent the souls of the departed who come and visit their family and friends before moving on to whichever place or realm they are supposed to go to. 

Hmm...

Change of dynamics

These days I feel a little like a teacher's pet who has fallen from grace. 

Not sure if I am being sensitive or what. Ever since I told the boss that I don't wish to travel for the upcoming overseas meeting and ever since I had a small bust-up with him a few weeks ago, I feel as if he has something against me. 

Even his nagging has taken on a more unpleasant tone. Almost everyday I will kena something from him.

If things come to a head, I dunno....maybe I'll talk to him? Hmm dunno....

Sigh. 

Thank you gal

Came back to office after a week's hiatus. And saw this little fella on my desk.

Present from Kah Hui. Forgot to ask her if it was for Easter or just to cheer me up. 

Thank you gal....

Distracted? Emo?

Think I'm a little fragile now. Sigh.

Boss just called to scold me for a mistake I did. And now I feel like a small child wanting to cry. 

On another note, I feel a little stupid too for making that mistake. I have been around long enough to know how the process should be. I shouldn't have made that error. 

Not that smooth a Monday so far. Hope it gets better later....

Saturday morning

Father and daughter ruminating...so emo and poetic...no filter and no edits to the photo by the way.

Slow reaction

Turned out I had a delayed reaction. 

For some strange reason, after more than a week, my emotions chose to let loose last night. And let loose I did. 

I bawled. I spluttered. I bawled somemore. 

Was feeling upset about my granny. 

Sigh...

But I felt slightly better thereafter apart from the headache I had from the crying. 

18 April 2014

Her Daddy's birthday. And also the day that she tried pumpkin for the first time. More specifically butternut squash.

Strangely there was not much excitement or reaction. She was more excited the first time she tried rice cereal. Hmm...

And yes, the poor girl has got a red mark under her left eye because she scratched herself. She accidentally scratched off the scab this morning and it started bleeding again. :( see liao heart pain. 

It's been 7 days

How time flies. 

It's been a week already since Mama left us. Last Friday at this time of 11:15, Adrian and I were by her bedside just watching over her. A lifeless her. 

Strangely, a moth came by earlier on around 9-plus. It was flying around in our bedroom and then later on in our washroom. 

I asked K if Mama was maybe visiting us.....he said maybe....

The 2 Lovely Sisters

Adrian sent this wonderful photo out 3 days ago to us and some of our cousins. This was taken at his wedding 13 years ago. The two sisters, born 8 years apart, both resplendent in their sarong kebayas. 

Mama and Ipoh, both of you take care up there ok. I think you have enough kakis to start a game of mahjong already. Have fun yah......(They used to play mahjong with my mum and aunt every Saturday or Sunday for many years) 

Smells like....

And so I have created my first reed diffuser ever.

I couldn't and didn't have the chance to find a nicer bottle. Anyway, since this was an initial experiment, I improvised and bought a rose essence bottle (Star Brand). Those used to flavour cakes and jellies. The bottle was only less than $1.50.

I ordered the essential oils from Qoo10 and the reed sticks as well. For the carrier oil I used grapeseed oil. Easier to find it compared to jojoba or sweet almond oil. Just step into NTUC and you can get a 500ml bottle of grapeseed oil for $5 or $6.

Composition:
- 4 drops of citronella oil
- 4 drops of lemongrass oil
- 3 drops of geranium oil
- roughly 90 drops of grapeseed oil

I used lesser geranium as it is a thicker oil compared to lemongrass and citronella and hence more concentrated. I chose to do a 10% dilution as this was an initial test, i.e. 10 drops of essential oils to 90 drops of carrier oil. If this works well as an insect repellant, I might do a more concentrated one of 20% dilution.

Purpose:
- Citronella - purifying, clarifying, anti-depressant
- Lemon grass - purifying, cleansing, energising
- Geranium - purifying, calming, uplifting

And all three oils have insect repellant poperties. This was my main purpose in buying them actually. It was only after I bought them that I discovered that the oils had other calming and purifying properties.

I did not put in any alcohol simply because I didn't know how to get any. Stop short of buying a bottle of Absolut. But anyway, alcohol is an optional item for a reed diffuser, it just helps the essential oils bind better to the carrier oil and travel up the reed sticks in a better way. But it's not 100% neccessary to put alcohol in it.

Let's see how this turns out.

Little kids. Little rich kids.

I spent some time alone in a Starbucks cafe yesterday afternoon. I was clearing some work and blogging a little.

I was caught by surprise at the number of young kids there. There were those from secondary school and JC, evidenced by the uniforms they were in. And there were even 2 or 3 from prmary school, sitting in a corner on their own.

So rich?

When I was in primary school, even McDonald's was considered a luxury. And I had no money to hang out with friends. We only probably hung out at a shopping centre or at a Popular bookstore just walking around aimlessly and didn't have money to sit in an actual cafe and order cakes and drinks.

Till now I still find it expensive to spend $5 each day buying a cup of something from Starbucks though I know many others do it.

Times have changed. Really.

I can't imagine how it will be when Nadya grows up.

The Proceedings IV - Tuesday 15 April 2014

Adrian picked up Dad & Mum before coming by to pick me. We made our way to the Marina South Pier where we met up with Aunt and my cousins, Celine and Randall. We waited for the Singapore Casket staff to arrive and they finally arrived, slightly later than the agreed upon 11am time.

Mama’s remains, ashes and bone fragments, were wrapped up within a red cloth which was placed in a brown basket. Dad held the basket while we waited for the boat to arrive to pick us up.

Mama had long ago instructed her children that she wanted a sea burial. Maybe Dad’s pragmatism came from her. She had said that she did not want to be a burden to others, not when she was alive and also not when she was dead. She did not want her descendants to have to go to her crypt or vault at the columbarium year after year to clean up her “flat” and pay respects to her. She said she would rather be thrown into the sea and we just kept her in our hearts.

And so we arranged for a sea burial.

The boat was soon ready and we headed out onto the bobbing jetty. Mum was prone to motion sickness and had already popped anti-motion sickness pills beforehand. Still she was fidgety and clung on to me when out on the jetty. So one arm of mine was holding onto her and the other arm of mine was trying to hold Dad, who claimed he did not need any support at all as he was a fisherman and used to all the waves and bobbing. (He used to fish a lot out in the open sea.) Still, he is 72 this year. I was going to hold on to him no matter what he said or claimed.

We stepped onto the boat and were brought to an NEA-designated area a short distance off the East Coast area.

When the boat stopped, Celine led us on a short prayer and we sang “Amazing Grace” again. The guy from Singapore Casket who accompanied us told us that before we put Mama into the sea. It was customary that we open the red cloth and touch her and say our goodbyes. And so we did.

We all kept our composure this time round. Though I could see Dad’s eyes were a little red. It was a little surreal. One day Mama was in human form, intact and dressed in her sarong kebaya. The next day, she was reduced to just ashes and fragmented pieces of white powdery bones.

We tied up the cloth again and then made our way to the edge of the boat. If it weren’t for the sombre nature of the event, it would have been quite comical. Each of us was trying to balance ourselves. I was supporting Mum. Adrian was supporting Dad who was clutching onto Mama’s remains. Mum was calling out to Dad to be careful. Randall was trying to take pictures on Celine’s camera. Celine was trying to say the last verses of the prayer. And all the time the boat was still rocking away.

Dad shocked all of us when he decided to lie down on the boat floor instead of squatting. Mum had a huge shock as she thought he was almost falling overboard. She yelled and I shushed her up. Dad finally dipped Mama into the sea water and when the bag was soaked through, he let her go. I did not manage to see her sink into the depths of the waters but I trust it was a peaceful trip down. Maybe some fishes (and plankton?) accompanied her on her journey down to the seabed….

We had loose flowers with us and each of us scattered some flowers into the sea as well as we bade our final goodbyes to Mama.

We went back into the sheltered area of the boat and sat down again, chatting while we made our way back to the jetty. It was an excursion of sorts too I suppose.

We parted ways at the jetty and Adrian dropped Mum and Dad and I at Bugis. He had to go back to work. I brought Mum and Dad out for lunch and accompanied them home. I stayed there for the afternoon before making my way back in the evening to begin my second “job” as a mum….

The Proceedings III - Monday 14 April 2014

Seeing how my Dad, Adrian and I had always been the first ones to be Mama’s wake, my Aunt assigned one of my cousins to be the first one instead on Monday morning.

After getting Little Baby ready for school, I managed to sleep some more. When I woke though, a sudden overwhelming grief washed over me. I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. And cried. I tried not to dwell on it too much though. I still had to get ready to go out. Forced myself to go wash up and shower. It was 11am or so when I reached the wake.

Being a Monday, there were not many people who came by. The afternoon still passed quickly though as we chatted amongst ourselves. It was soon 5:30pm.

At 5:40pm, Father Edward Lim from the Holy Trinity Church in Tampines reached. He conducted his service and by 5:50pm he was done. We got ourselves ready. 8 of us immediate family members followed behind when staff transported Mama’s coffin downstairs to the waiting hearse. Dad, Mum, myself, Adrian, Aunt, Uncle, Celine and Randall. The rest of the relatives and friends, maybe 15 in all, took another lift and waited for us downstairs.

When Mama was brought downstairs, it started to drizzle. The hearse was blaring out “Amazing Grace”. When her coffin was being placed into the hearse Aunt and Mum started to cry. I started as well. The staff handed out umbrellas to all of us. The 8 of us positioned ourselves behind the hearse and followed it as it slowly drove out.

It was a slow march. Adrian, Dad, Mum had their hand on the hearse. I couldn’t get a space and left it at that. The drizzle had by now turned into a downpour. It was as if the sky was shedding its tears for Mama. It was all quite touching, dramatic and sad at the same time.

We marched for just a little while till we reached the junction leading out to the main road. Staff said we could stop there and regroup. Those with cars would meet us at the Mandai crematorium. Those without transport would take the bus we had chartered. Adrian’s car and K and I were the only two cars following behind the hearse as a small convoy.

It was raining heavily for the entire journey from Lavender to Mandai. Adrian later said that Mama’s sending off was so dramatic.

Father Edward was already there in the service hall waiting for us when we reached. The room was very very cold when we stepped in. It was a quaint and peaceful room though. Mama was laid in the centre of the front of the room. Father Edward led his service. I could hear sniffling in the room and tissues being used. I was tearing myself.

We were instructed to each say our final goodbyes and were each given a stalk of pink carnation to lay on her coffin. We went one by one in a single file. I told Mama to rest in peace. I said goodbye to her. I told her to take care of herself while up there in Heaven. I told her to meet up with Ipoh, Tuanku and all her other dead relatives while up there.

When I went back to my seat, I saw that Dad was crying. He was clutching her photograph (the big framed one used for the wake) to his chest and he was crying. I’d only ever seen him tear up once in my entire life. And that was a few years ago when Mama had been hospitalised and the doctors told us to be prepared for the worst. This time round, it was full out crying.

I was upset. I didn’t know how to console him except to sit next to him and hug him.

We were then told to head to the viewing room. We made our way there. I followed close behind Dad. K was right behind or beside me all the time as well.

There was a loud silence in the viewing room, despite the more than 20 of us there. Silence broken by the occasional sob, the occasional rustling of tissue paper. It felt heavy and oppressive. Dad was still holding Mama’s photo to his chest and he looked at it from time to time. His eyes were red and teary.

We waited.

5minutes later we saw in the room down below staff placing Mama’s coffin onto a platform. A minute later the platform bearing her coffin started moving slowly towards another door, beyond which we would not have sight of. This really was the final goodbye, the last we would ever see of her. 

Dad started crying again. My Aunt cried out loud “Bye Bye Mak Cim (Peranakan lingo for Mother)! Bye Bye Mama! Bye Bye Ah Chor! Rest in Peace! Bye Bye! Bye Bye! Pergi carik Ipoh dengan Tuanku! (Go find Ipoh and Tuanku. They were Mama’s deceaded siblings).”

My distant cousins, Paul and Brenda, who were my granny’s god-son and god-daughter, also shouted “Bye Bye Kue Mah!”

Most were crying at that point as the platform inched closer to the door leading to the furnace.

 

Marc looked a little bewildered. At age 11, I don’t blame him. I don't think he feels very close to his great-grandmother. He'd never seen his grandparents cry before. And I don’t believe he had ever been in a situation where most of the adults in the room were crying. I wonder if he found it overwhelming.

The coffin soon went through the second door and then the door closed.

 

That was it.

 

The end of a story 98 years in the making.

We were ushered outside to an area with benches. Adrian was by Dad’s side this time. He looked like a broken man from behind. Instead of standing tall and proud like he always did, he looked hunched over. Adrian held Dad and supported him.

 

But Dad recovered quickly and being the practical people that my parents are, he soon started trying to arrange for logistics for a relative who had no car and had to find his way home.

There was a sudden change in mood. It felt strange. In the viewing room it felt heavy and oppressive. Once out of there, and as people were walking out, the mood lifted. I could hear small talk going on and some muted laughter as people huddled around in small groups.  

Life goes on I suppose.

We thanked the relatives and went our separate ways from Mandai. K & I dropped my Aunt off and her two friends before heading home ourselves. It was still relatively early when we got home around 840pm and I finally got to spend more time with Little Baby.