To do or not to do

Was trying to get back to sleep at 3am this morning and my mind was in a whirl. Things which needed to be done was just running around in my head. 

I remember the last thing on my mind was: "I need to include 'do up a to-do list' as the first item in my to-do list". 

If that makes any sense at all. The mind can act in a bizarre manner at such ungodly hours.

Ohm mani pad me hum

Keeping hostility in check.

Praying for more patience.

Keeping face straight. 

Praying for a way out. 

不过，气憋太久我怕总有一天会爆。

到时候情况就会很难看。

Y u no sleep???!!!

This is probably my favourite phrase for today.

Nostalgia

Many articles say that successful (and highly successful) people tend to be forward-looking in their minds and hearts. I'm not like that, maybe that's why I'm not that successful? I tend to revisit the past from time to time. Afterall, the past is what made us today, no?

On Saturday night, I somehow found myself trawling through old emails. From way back in 2005 to present times. 

People

Looking through those old emails brought back certain memories. And it also reminded me of those people who were once actively present in my life. There were even emails from people who I now cannot even remember how they look like, nor fathom how I got to know them in the first place. Some are long gone from my life, whilst some others are still somewhere in the background, just not actively present in my life right now. Indelible or not, good or bad, whatever it is, I want to thank all these people for the imprint they've left on my life, however fleeting our connaisance and interactions might have been. 

Of course, there were emails from folks who are still very much in my life right now. I also want to thank these people for being with me all this while, and for blessing me with good times, fun conversations and merry laughter to mark my memories by. 

Needless to say, as we grow older, we somehow are all communicating less through emails. I'm not sure why, maybe Facebook and Whatsapp played a role in it? 

Language

Of course the other thing I noticed was the way I wrote last time. Much better than the way I write now. More emotions and feelings were woven into each sentence then, compared to my writings now. Maybe a good few years in a government agency has caused this to happen. My writing is so bland now. 

Frus Frus Frus

Feeling frustrated. And it's only 1030am. And no, it's not the baby making me this way. And K won't be home till 10-12 hours later. FML.

Wanted

It's strange but these 2 items have been on my "want" list for several years. But I've never really made a conscious effort to go buy them. 

(1) A pair of Converse sneakers (either black or white but probably black)

(2) A black watch (doesn't matter if it's a metal, rubber/plastic or leather strap but it should preferably be chunkier and not too feminine)

Bossiness

Every sentence need not be an instruction. I have my own thoughts and ways of doing things. There is no need to be so bossy.

==========

These two sentences/requests were made to me today. 

(1) Can I (do this and that).....?

(2) Let me (do this and that).

Ask me nicely and politely, as in (1), and I'll gladly accede to your request. And I'd even throw in a nice smile for you. 

(2) is a bloody bossy way of asking for something. Wth, it turns a request into a command instead. Do you know how rude and bossy it is??

Sometimes, all it takes is just for a person to tweak the way he or she speaks. And the world would be a better place.

God, grant me patience. 

Before I explode. 

==========

X: "You can just leave her there. She needs to learn how to play by herself."

Me: "I know. I do that from time to time. That is why I went out of the room and left her there alone."

UGH. You don't need to tell me what to do when I am already doing it. 

Cow sense

Me: *carrying baby and trying to put to sleep*

X: *starts talking to me in a normal voice*

Me: *in my mind* Wth? I'm trying to put the baby to sleep and you keep talking. You're not even making an effort to whisper. How is the baby going to sleep?

==========

Me: The baby is asleep in the other room. Just got to sleep only so umm...(please be quiet)

Y: ok I go over

Me: *hears Y talking and gushing over baby*

Y: *comes back to me* The baby just opened her eyes.

Me: *in my mind* Wth? Of course she woke lah. You were talking to her while she was sleeping!

==========

Me: The baby's having a slight fever. 

X: Is it?

X: *goes to see baby and carries baby when the baby starts fussing* 

X: *comes over to me* She feels feverish. Seems like she's having a fever.

Me: Ya. I just told you.

==========

Me: *standing somewhere in room*

X: *carrying baby and talking to baby* Did you drink milk today? When did you last take your milk? Hmm? When did you last take your milk? 

Me: *in my mind* if that question was supposed to be meant for me, then ask me directly. 

X: So when did you last take your milk?? *repeats 2 more times*

Me: *remains silent*

Me: *in my mind* If you want to know then ask directly. Don't speak in such an indirect manner when I am just standing in the same room as you.

Realization

Never knew that having a child drains so much from a woman's body. Forums and websites say so and even both my confinement nanny and my masseuse auntie say so.

And for those who went through c-section, their bodies need an even longer time to recover and most people say to wait at least a year or a year and a half for the body to regain its normalcy before having a second child. 

If I were to have a second one, that'll be when I'm 35-36 years old? Gosh that sounds old...sigh

I'm too old to be doing this. Back ache, neck ache, shoulder ache.

The Great-Grandmother

I'm someone who gets nostalgic and sentimental easily. I reminisce often as well, which was why I was happy when Dad dug out old albums for us to look through yesterday when Adrian and I were there for dinner with our own families.

Those pictures were taken 30 years ago. Yellowed but still visible. And it was mainly about our family excursions out to the zoo, the park or the beach or the shopping mall.

And Granny was in those pictures as well.

I miss those days when she was tubby and chubby with a wobbly belly. When she had her full glorious head of hair. When she kept it in waves and swept her fringe back with black bobby pins. When she went everywhere in her sarong kebaya and sandals and kerosang. When her eyes were still huge and sparkly. When she could still carry me in her arms and make me feel so loved.

Although physically she is now a shadow of her former self, I believe she still has spunk, spirit and gusto somewhere deep down in her.

She "fought" with the nurses in hospital the other day. So I'm sure she still has lots of spirit in her.

Keep fighting Granny!

Maiden visit to Tampines

We brought Little Baby back home to my parents' place yesterday.

It was her first time there and she must have been a little bewildered. She was strangely still and quiet but very alert when I first stepped into the house. She was snuggled up close to me but her eyes were looking all around at the new surroundings and of course also at her grandparents who were fawning over her.

I'm glad she takes to others carrying her. Dad, Mum, Adrian and Mei all took turns carrying her and she ddn't fuss at all. Good!

Soon she'll be heading there more often I guess.

Metamorphosis. Post-partum.

And so the physical changes are still taking place...albeit very very slowly. Some for the better, some for the worse.

• The tummy's shrinking ever so slightly BUT, it's still there. To think I used to pride myself for having a moderately flat tummy. Now I can't fit into many of my form-fitting clothes anymore but like most women, I'll still keep them in my wardrobe as "motivation". Wishful thinking? We shall see!! Lol...this seriously limits my workwear now though...hmm....I have not tried putting on my skinnies...prolonging the moment of truth I guess? *wails* And CNY is around the corner too. 4kg more to lose to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. Fighting!
• The discolourations are still there. Some areas have faded just a little but they are mostly still there. Unsightly dark patches on the skin, thankfully, most of these patches remain hidden underneatth my clothes....
• My cheeks have started to get itchy, which is not good. It is the same feeling I had back in 2011 when a dermatologist said I had acne rash...I'm also getting more bumps on the skin in that area. I'm hoping my medicated facial wash will keep my skin under control...*fingers crossed*
• The dreaded C-word has wormed its way into my life. I mean, it already did previously but even more so now. Cellulite. I hate you.
• My eyes seem to be quite sensitive now. I can't wear my contact lenses for too long. Maybe I've been in specs for too long already, almost 2 full months of not wearing lenses and the eyeballs have gotten used to not having a lens over them. I used to wear lenses for more than 12 hours each working day. Now I can't last more than 4hours....:(
• My feet have gone back to their usual size and shape though. They are no longer swolen from water retention and I can wear all my shoes again!

Please go back to sleep darling

The little one seems quite content in my arms now, at 5am, after fussing for the last hour and a half. She sure knows how to choose the "best" times for fussing. Zzzzz.

Granny

Granny was discharged from hospital yesterday afternoon. 

And I thank the Lord for that. 

She's at her thinnest ever I think. Sigh. 

Fuzzy Wuzzy

You know your brain is quite muddle-fuddled from lack of sleep when, at 445am in the morning while trying to put a struggling, fussy and wide-awake baby to sleep, you start thinking about the most random of things and feeling a little sorry for an acquaintance who happens to be named Penny. 

I can imagine the taunts and ribbings she might have gone through during her school years. I mean, I went through a phase when silly hormonal teenage boys kept saying to me "Michelle, do you know where my pen is?" (Translation: pen is = penis)

I mean. 

"Do you know where Penny's pen is?"

Wonder if she went through it. Hmm..,

Growing up

"Sometimes, you have to shut up, swallow your pride and accept that you are wrong. It's not called giving up. It's called growing up."

Siphoned this off a friend's Facebook status.  

I wonder how many people can do this? 

And yes, it gets harder to do this the older you get. 

This past week

This past week has been...not sure how to describe it...

There's the rigour of looking after Little Baby.

And the various health scares she gave us.

And then Mum wasn't feeling well and even went A&E twice. 

And today, Granny was warded for urinary tract infection and a mild heart attack. 

Sigh. 

Dad has been running around. I hope he's doing ok. 

May God bless my family and keep them safe and sound. 

There's a first time for everything

Changing a soiled diaper for a squirming and screaming baby in a moving car. At 9am on a Monday morning on the CTE amidst the morning traffic.

Sibei challenging! lol...

But I did it! 

4G

One of my wishes has been fulfilled.

We brought Little Baby to visit her great-grandmother this morning. Dad was there as well and I made sure we took a photo for posterity. 4 generations in one pic. 

It was regrettable though that the oldest was half asleep. She saw the little one but probably couldn't and didn't register in her mind that this is her youngest great-grandchild. Heck, she couldn't even recognise Dad and I. The youngest too was sleeping and didn't really "see" who her great-grandma is.

Well, at least they've "met". And I am very glad for that.

Fiak

Rant post.

Patience wearing thin. Feeling very very stifled today. The room seems to be getting smaller. Too many hands. Too many voices. Too much noise. Too much of others trying to be in control or attempting to "help". Too many unspoken words hidden in other words. Need to vent. Right now the only avenue is this virtual space. Wishing really badly that I was alone in the house with just the little one. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed really jars up the system. God grant me patience. 

Wahlan.

NB NB NB NB NB NB. 

Ahhhhhh Shitfuck.

What's the point of saying "call me if you need help?" when you don't mean it? I don't call and you still come up anyway. So what's the friggin point of saying it? 

There, I feel slightly better. I think.