conflicted

Many many many things to do in office.

But I can't do them properly. Half of my mind is on Peanut.
Wondering how she is, and if she is drinking her milk well, and if she is getting enough sleep, and whether she poo-ed or not, and whether she is still smiling.

I miss my sunshine baby. Alot.

F this working mother shit. Argh.

The Man Cooked!

On the Wed just past, K was on leave. He whipped up a simple but delicious meal for me for dinner. 

I requested for brussel sprouts and soba. He is a sucker for fish and made rice for himself. Hence the eclectic mix of dishes for our meal lol. 

P/s: the garlic and lime sauce accompanying the steamed sea bass was very good! 

The Sisters

We've come a long way...

From being curious about her baby sister, to being a little bit protective, Nadya then swung to the other end of the spectrum when she realised that people were paying abit more attention to the "cute little baby" than her. There came a point several months back when Nadya didn't allow me to carry Alyssa at all and would melt into a crying fussing mess at my feet if I did so.

Fast forward to now...things are better. Nadya still has her jealous fits from time to time. But we let her participate in the caring of Alyssa (like helping to throw Alyssa's diapers into the dustbin haha). She does "sayang" Alyssa now by patting her head or body or arms. She holds her tiny hands too. Sometimes she gives Alyssa hugs or she ruffles her hair. Sometimes she uses her face to nuzzle Alyssa.

And last night...she lay down next to Alyssa. It was such a sweet sight to see. 

Blessed

I am blessed.

With good friends and family.

And of course K and my 2 girls.

Couldn't have asked for more.

My friends might not know it but they do help keep me sane. And they throw me invisible lifelines when I reach out to them. Sometimes, they throw me lifebuoys too even when I don't outrightly ask for it. And they are there to help me out always....even if I may not realise it myself that I need some assistance in life....

My family brings me joy in more ways than one. And well...I feel odd if I don't contact my parents for more than 2 days....

K and the 2 girls? They drive me nuts sometimes...I get angry and frustrated....But at the end of the day, they bring me the greatest joy too...:) And the greatest love....

Mandala - the lotus

Did this on Friday 11 March 2016. 

Did part of it while having a break during work and eventually completed it after work. 

I don't use a compass which explains why certain parts of the mandala look a little lopsided. 

Driving

Went for a car orientation cum refresher today. Who was the instructor? K. :)

Nail-biting experience. I was pretty nervous. The last I ever drove was 6 years ago and even at that point I'd only ever driven a manual car and only for a few measly times. 

Fast forward to today. Ok I discovered that an auto car makes for much easier driving. Yes I know I am suaku. 

More orientation and refresher sessions coming up...

P/s: I still can't park properly for nuts. 

The ring!

Somehow, I managed to wear my wedding band. It's a little difficult to take out though. But I'm happy to wear it still.

Been more than 3 years since I last managed to wear it. Omg. Lol. Since I became pregnant with Nadya. 

The little two

She's my happy pill...:) 

And here's another of my happy pill:

sigh

Feeling a little imbalanced, especially the last few days.

While at work I think about the 2 kiddos. While with them sometimes my mind wanders to work-related things.

I feel inadequate in both areas. Like I'm doing a disservice to both aspects. Not performing up to par in both aspects.

Need to find a balance somehow....

How?

Another mandala!

Another mandala that I did today. I think with my preference for symmetry, mandalas prolly suit me more than doing zentangle designs. Anyway I shall continue to explore.....

Today's mandala turned out a lot more detailed and complex than I expected it to be. Required a lot more effort than yesterday's mandala for sure. 

Qoo10

I love qoo10. Have I said it before?? I absolutely love qoo10. 

It sells just about anything lol. 

I was looking for a Sakura Pigma ink Micron pen and wondered where the hell to buy it. Popular seemed so far away. 

Online I went and someone was selling it on qoo10. 

I bought a black pen with a 0.35mm nib and another with a 0.45mm nib. 

Oh I love qoo10!! :)) 

P/s: when the pens arrive...I'll do more entangling and drawing of mandalas hehe...quite fun and therapeutic! Plus the notebook I am doing the drawings in is small and extremely portable. 

Voila

Promised myself I'd draw a zentangle mandala and here it is. Drawn on an A5-sized piece of paper. Better piece than the first zentangle tile but could still be improved. :) 

My designs are rather simplistic. Will explore further...hmm...this is turning out to be pretty interesting! 

Zentangle

Something new I discovered. 

A type of drawing philosophy which aims to be therapeutic. A drawing meditation of sorts. 

I did a test zentangle piece in office today. Finished it up in during short breaks I took. 

It's a horrible effort I think lol. A 3.5inch by 3.5inch piece. Rather raw and not sophisticated like those I saw online or on YouTube tutorials. 

But it's a start. :) I'll try to do zentangle mandalas tomorrow. 

P/s: yes I know...my interests can be rather fleeting at times. My colouring book is still sitting in its corner waiting for me to pick it up again...no time leh...:( 

My two loves

Times like this bring me much warmth, love and indescribable happiness. 

My two babies...may you grow up and be inseparable as sisters. May the love and care you have for each other be strong and tight. May the bond you develop be as deep as the deepest ocean. And may God bless the both of you always. 

So in love with this little girl

I feel more attached to Alyssa at this age than I was with Nadya when she was also 5 months old. 

Not sure why. Maybe it is because I breastfed Alyssa longer compared to Nadya. Maybe it is because I don't get to spend as much time with her as I would like because I have a sticky Nadya vying for my attention. 

Oh well. 

Stay happy and stay smiley always my little sunshine baby. 

Mama loves you! 

6 March 2016 - First Trip to the Salon!

At 29 months old, Nadya had her first ever haircut at a salon. 

Yes, I was always the one giving her trims and cuts all these while...sometimes she looked ok, most times her hair was just an unruly mess. Partly it was also due to her having some natural curls....

I didn't know how to cut her hair anymore and brought her to the salon. I started prepping her the day before, telling her that she was a big girl already and could go to the salon at the shopping center to cut her hair. 

She was excited about the trip tot eh salon actually. Right up till about 5mins before her turn came. She started fussing and kept mumbling "mama cut my hair. I want mama cut my hair. Mama cut my hair in the toilet."

When it was her turn and I brought her to the chair, she clung to me like a koala bear and in the end I had to sit with her. 

Still, I'd say she did well. :) Not sure if the salon's iPad showing cartoons, or me sitting with her, or the nice auntie did the trick. Maybe it was a combination of all three. She calmed down enough after a few minutes and could muster a small smile for her daddy who was trying to take pictures. :) 

She was proud of it after the cut and didn't allow me to touch her hair much lol. 

Her pouty, upset and apprehensive face....

Still apprehensive....

Ok, loosening up...small smile spotted!

After the cut. Ok I know it looks almost the same except for a shorter fringe. But well, the lady thinned her hair quite abit and it was much easier washing her hair after the cut. 

2 March 2016

Welcome to the family Mr Legacy. :) 

It has been several days and I hope you've gotten acquainted with the rest of the family well enough. 

I'm sorry if Nadya has already given you a few of her power kicks. She gets this way when worked up. Sorry about that! 

I've not been in your driver's seat yet. But I shall endeavor to treat you well okie? I hope you treat me well too. 

Teary Morning...Heavy Heart

Nadya was extremely sticky today. Refused to get in the car in the morning to go to school. Spent 20mins coaxing her into the car. When we reached school, she clung to me like a koala and when her form teacher took her away from me. She burst into tears immediately and tried to reach out to me....Her face was red, tears and snot were flowing within 10-15 seconds of me handing her over to the teacher.

I said a hurried "Bye sayang, love you." And left quickly to minimise anymore crying on her part.

If she doesn't see me, I think she would stop crying and be distratced by other things and her friends in class, right? Right?

Sigh. :(

Now I understand what my mum said when she had to fetch my brother to my grandmother's house last time in the mornings before work.

It really affects your day when your kid acts up in the morning. You feel uneasy and hope that she is ok. Your mind tries to focus on work but at the back of your mind you keep wondering how she is doing.

Maybe I'll give the school a ring later... 

Thoughts

Bracing myself for what could be a challenging year ahead.

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

Work. Family. Self. Finances.


Family. I worry almost constantly about the younger girl these days.
The older one is doing good now and developing well so that's good.
The parents are getting significantly older, especially my father. There is talk again between my mother and I, about how to handle their property. Namely, whether or not should they keep it and if they do sell it, should they downgrade to a smaller flat or co-own another dual-key unit with one of us two siblings.

Work. I need to close up a damn project that's been around since 2012.
I need to start up 2 other projects as well. Not quite sure how to start these at all.
New boss is in and expectations and working style is all different. Need to get used to him. I think this is a positive thing. New boss, new insights, new directions, more improvements. Fresh pair of eyes to look at things and suggest changes.

Self. I have not exercised much. I have not used my new pair of running shoes though I bought them 2-3 months ago. I have not fulfilled my promise to K.
I need to keep myself calm as well. Keep my down times minimal.
I need to let go more as well perhaps. Find a direction. Somewhere. Somehow.
Need to grow.

Finances. Save save save.
Grow whatever I have. For myself, for the family, for the kids.
Plan things well. Manage things better. Learn and read up about things.


Evidently I can't concentrate at work. I am typing this out while attempting to draft out an important email. A lot of thought needs to go into that email and I can't seem to focus on it.

Jiayou.

Jiayou.

Typical Morning

It was a rushed morning as usual. Things went pretty okay. Nadya didn't fuss when my FIL put her in the car. Nor did she fuss during the journey. Alyssa was good too and was pretty much just being a smiley baby.

But when the lift door opened on the floor of their school, Nadya started fussing. Got a little messy here because the inlaws got abit jittery too haha.

MIL brought Alyssa to the infant care side and FIL and I brought Nadya to the nursery class area. She allowed him to bring her in so I thought I was not needed anymore and went over to the infant side to give Alyssa a goodbye kiss.

When I turned back to leave the infant care side and make my way to office, FIL was there waiting for me again. With Nadya in his arms.

She had apparently wanted to look for me and only wanted me to carry her.

And so back to the nursery class it was for me. Had to carry Nadya back there again before she finally could settle down and go romp around with her classmates....she was still somewhat reluctant to let go of me though...and said bye to me with big round pleading eyes.

Sigh. Hard to wave goodbye to such a face...:(
Jiayou mummy....