That Annual Letter

Several months ago, a new boss came by to lead the team. The old boss was retained on contract as an advisor, subject to further notice or till when he is ready to retire or when the higher-ups don't need him anymore.

Yesterday, I received the annual letter given out to staff. The one which informs staff of the amount of corporate bonus, performance bonus, annual salary increment and/or market salary adjustment.

I had already expected a lower than usual performance bonus from previous years.

I just did not expect the performance bonus component to be even lower than what I was expecting.

Am I disappointed?

Yes. It was the lowest in all my 8.5 years of serving the company. In fact, it was almost half of what I usually get.

Why? Several reasons I can think of.

New boss. With a different standard of rating.
I was away on maternity leave for 5 months plus. (Though it is to be noted that during my previous leave of absence in 2013 for the birth of Nadya, my performance wasn't so drastically affected. In fact, I don't think I was penalised at all.)
I was also penalised for a delayed project which incidentally, got delayed not entirely because of me but also due to other external factors. 

So?

FML lor.

When I need the money, circumstances happen such that it doesn't come in as much as past years.

Will this affect the way I work now?

The right response would be: No of course not, I am still a dedicated individual putting in my worth for the company. Truth be told, I am not so sure. But I think my dedication to the company just dropped by half. Could be just a reactionary emotion on my part, I don't know.

Anyway.

Lao niang is not happy with this year's performance bonus.

Anyway.

Lao niang can't do much about it.

Anyway.

Pfffffftttttttttttttttt.

For posterity

Nadya in her ballet outfit.

Cute max. Love max! 

please go away now.....

*cough*
*splutter*
*cough*

Really bad this time.
I don't think I've had it this bad before.

My stomach muscles started to get sore on Sunday morning from the vigorous coughing.

FML....

And I don't wanna pass it to the kids....:(

Went for an xray yesterday to rule out any sinister issues....
Hope the results are ok.....

Conversations with a 31-month-old

This morning after I woke Nadya up.

N: Mama, today I don't have school? *looks expectantly at me*
Me: Darling, you have school today.
N: *immediately starts to whine* I don't want to go to school.....
Me: Go lie down for awhile. I'll make some milk for you.
N: Mama, I have gym today?
N: *thinks further* Mama, I don't have gym today? I don't have gym today.
Me: Yup, I think you don't have gym today.
N: REALLY? *looks upset*

Ok sorry darling, Mama burst your bubble early on Monday morning...

Urgh

It's here again. 

The feeling of slight frustration and feeling a little stifled. The feeling of wanting to spend some time doing my own things. Or developing myself. Or just simply laying down to vege out. 

I know I should be grateful that my daughter adores me and can't let me out of her sight for long. But at times, I really need some breathing space. Some me-time to discharge, to decompress, to destress. 

A whole host of things needing my attention. What groceries and household products to get. What to cook. How to wean. What to wean on. What new clothes to get for the kids. Which areas of the house to focus cleaning efforts on. Nadya's ballet shoes need to be stitched up.

I just discovered this morning that oh darn, the helper has neglected the cleanliness and upkeep of the washing machine. Bits of caked up old soap powder formed a crust along a portion of the drum. The compartments collecting dirt had not been cleaned thoroughly. The washing machine is a very essential item in our home, I can't afford to let it spoil and need to ensure that it is well taken care of. 

The cupboards in the kitchen  need to be emptied and wiped out. The fridge needs to be cleaned too. The freezer compartment too. The shelf in the living room needs a spot of thorough cleaning as well. 

My table. Enough said. It's a mess. 

My hair. Split ends and bushy.

My face. White heads, black heads. Zits. 

I want to spend some time watching TV. 

I want to spend more time Zentangling.

I want to go on the threadmill.

And I'm coughing my lungs out still. I don't know what to do about it. Medication doesn't seem to be working at all. I'm taking codeine every night. Will I turn into a cough syrup junkie? 

My throat is suffering from the hacking cough and my voice is hoarse as well.

Partly pek chek.

Partly contented. 

Partly fed-up.

Partly happy.

Partly unhappy.

Partly listless.  

Sigh. 

Chance meeting

Wow. Nadya 交游广阔.

We went for a quick breakfast this morning at ToastBox at Katong 112. She pointed to a Korean boy and said that was "Kang Hoo".

K and I looked at each other. Yeah we knew there was a Kang Hoo in her school. He was in the same batch of infant care as her but is now in a different nursery class because he is several months older. 

So this boy was there at ToastBox with his parents and grandparents. The last time I saw his mom was a long time ago so I couldn't be sure if it was her or not and if the boy was really Kang Hoo. 

When we were about to leave, Nadya wanted to go greet this boy so we went over and really, it was Kang Hoo! I think we surprised the grandparents and parents quite abit haha. They kept waving and smiling at her. 

And there you go, my daughter, at the age of 2.5 years, had her first chance encounter with a friend. 

So qiao. 

My comfort food

1. Fried beehoon

2. Mee tai bak soup

3. Fried rice

4. Chee cheong fun with soy sauce and sesame oil

5. Ayam buah keluak

6. Macaroni in chicken soup 

7. Cheng ting

Probably because these dishes remind me of the home I grew up in, my grandmother and my mother. 

Singing in my mind

 The following TV jingle that was oh-so-popular when I was a young child....

"I don't wanna grow up. I'm a Toys'r'us kid....."


Yea, I don't wanna grow up.

Latest pieces

Upping the ante and experimenting with pencils and shading now to add more depth to the patterns and drawings...

I have to say...Zentangling is really quite therapeutic. And....YouTube is a great teacher haha.

My photo taking skills aren't exactly great though. :) doesn't do justice to the drawings but oh well....

working mothers

A friend at work just enrolled her 18month-old daughter into childcare. Today is the child's 2nd day there and she was still crying alot.

My friend, who incidentally is also named Michelle, is feeling very frazzled now. She is upset and feels heartbroken seeing her kid crying like that. She had thoughts of pulling her daughter out of the centre as well after seeing her daughter cry like that....

Just spent the last hour trying to give her some moral encouragement. Via Whatsapp lol.
Told her to hang on for these few days...and that her kid will adjust soon...most kids will go through this transition phase at some point too....better now then later I guess...

I remember the time when I felt this way when I left Nadya in infant care. The good thing was that Nadya was too young then to even know what was happening...hence there wasn't alot of crying.

Jiayou to all working mothers...
Jiayou to all mothers who are going through the daily struggle of handing their children over to other caregivers, while wishing they were the ones by their children's sides....

Jiayou to Michelle...

Jiayou to me....

Open Letter

To: The lady at the optical shop, Cindy.

On Saturday afternoon, I was there at the shop where you work at. I was there to collect my contact lenses which I had ordered from you 2 weeks earlier. I had Nadya with me this time. 

We chatted a little about our kids and then you asked a question which was worded more like a comment. "她这样小你舍得让她一个人睡meh?" 

It may seem like a harmless question when reading in plain text but you nuanced it with your body language. 

You had a small sneer on your face. It was a look of disdain, mild contempt and disapproval.

I chose not to answer you since it was uttered at a time when I was already getting ready to leave. I merely said goodbye to you and thanked you for the service provided for my making of contact lenses (the service was actually quite satisfactory I must say).

Look lady, there is an unspoken mother code. I know you are a mother as well. A mother does not bash another mother, nor question another mother's parenting choices in her face. We are all trying our best here and every mother wants the best for her child.

You can judge me behind my back for all I care. That's your prerogative. But leave your judgemental questions in your mind. Don't throw it in my face.

Pfffttttt.

Go Peanut Go!

Mighty glad that Alyssa's fever finally broke on Friday night. 

She lost weight over the past week but her appetite seems to have improved and she has been calling out for milk every 3 hours or so since Saturday morning. Even during the middle of the night. 

Stay strong sweetie...mama loves you!

P/s: that's not a huge smile per se haha but more of a smile that was morphing into a yawn. :) I happened to catch it at the most precise moment haha

Nadya

She drives me nuts at times. 

She tests my limits time and again.

She stifles me from time to time.

But.

I love her to bits.

I love the way she hugs me.

I love the way she shows her affection by patting me the way I pat her. 

I love the way her eyes twinkle.

I love her for her wittiness and cheekiness and intelligence.

My firstborn. :) 

Boohoo

The finality has hit home. 

I'm packing up and keeping all my milk storage bottles and pumps and tubes and accessories....I've also given my extra milk storage bags away...

Note to self:

Yes it is final. Your BF journey is at an end. While it may have ended not in the way you wanted, be glad that you even lasted till 6.5months. Especially when you were initially only planning on hitting the 4-month mark. *small pay on the back*

Get well soon

Get well soon our sunshine baby...

妈妈看了都心疼...不过还是很庆幸你还是那么的开朗。真是我们的开心果。

Parenting 101

I constantly question whether I am doing the right things for my kids.

Alyssa has been falling sick so often since she started infant care. We've brought her to the PD at least 7-8 times since CNY this year. To the point that the thought of pulling her out of infant care did cross my mind. Am I doing the right thing by letting her continue? Am I doing her a greater disservice by pulling her out?

Nadya has started enrichment classes in her school. She's taking gym lessons and recently started on ballet. Now her teacher tells me more than half her classmates are in the chinese speech and drama enrichment class...Now I'm thinking if she is losing out on learning Mandarin. 

Kiasu mentality? I don't know.

Work...career....job.....

I spent the last 5 years focused on my personal life - getting married, shifting out, getting my own place, having kids and making sure everything is good in their life.

Back in 2011, I had just been in the company for 4 years. Not too long, but not short either. Although HR had earmarked me under its talent management programme at that point and had identified me for a job rotation, I was not ready and declined the offer of the new position in anther division of the same organisation. At that point, I had also felt that the role offered to me was not quite suitable.

Between 2011 and now, thoughts of my career and progression did surface in my mind from time to time but I didn't think about it much. Now, with so many changes happening in the parent organisation and with a new boss, the question has surfaced again.

How long more should I stay here?
Where can I go from here?
What can I do?

Come September 2016, I would have spent 9 years in this company. That is long. Almost 2/3 of my entire working life was spent in this place.

I am not sure if I am rotting here. Part of me feels like I am. Part of me though is lazy to be confronted with new challenges and changes if I shift to another place. Part of me just wants to stay here.

My priority is my family and I am unsure if other places can accord me the flexibility and support I need when I need to head off to look after the kids.

While I am sure I can't move up the ladder much if I am still here in this company, I am half-hearted to leave as well, what with the camaraderie already built up with colleagues and external stakeholders.

Questions.
Questions.

Conversations with a 30-month old

We were in the car heading out for lunch with K's family. His belated birthday lunch. 

Nadya: Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.

Kyne: And then? 

N: Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

K: And then? 

N: Must put plaster.

LOL.....

==========

I called my parents one of the weekday nights and my mum happened to pick the call. I put her on speakerphone so that Nadya could join in our conversation.

Nadya was playing "masak masak" with some of her plastic cups and teapot. 

N: I am "making" barley for Mama! 

My mum: Wah, you know how to cook barley?

N: Ya.

My mum: Can you make some for me too? I like barley water.

N: Tomorrow you cook it yourself. 

LOL....

==========

We were in a cafe. I went to take children's cutlery for her....and then I got corrected by the little girl...

Me: Here you go. I took a pink bowl for you. You like pink right? 

N: Nooooo. Not bowl. This is a plate. 

I swear the lady at the next table gave a knowing snigger...maybe she's a mum too lol. 

Conversation piece

I was sharing a table at the kopitiam with another lady. I'd finished my meal and was waiting for the clinic to open. So with my Teh-o still hot and sitting on the table, I decided to start drawing. 

The auntie asked me about it after several minutes had passed haha. She asked to see my book and I showed it to her. I showed her some of my past works as well and she seemed genuinely interested. 

She said the piece I was currently working on was beautiful. Wah thanks a lot leh auntie :)

You made my day even though it is a very unfinished piece haha. 

I seem to be speaking a lot to random strangers these days.....

New pieces

Some new pieces over the last 2 weeks plus....