Guilt & Disappointment

Quite guilty for making Alyssa feel disappointed.

We have a morning ritual where I peep out of the window and wave bye to her when she's at the carpark (when she leaves for school). And we'd give each other arm and finger heart signs too. I cherish these moments for they give me strength, and I think she hold these moments dear to her heart too.

Been even more scatter-brained in recent days and I was late to get to the window this morning. (had to speak with the helper on something). By the time I got there, K & her were in the car already. And he was slowly driving off. I was hoping she was craning her neck to see my window from the car (not even sure if she can see my from that angle)....and I was waving frantically from the window. :(

K later told me that she had waited for me and stalled getting in the car. When she finally got in reluctantly, he said she was leaning her head on the side of her car seat looking glum...and she told him "I miss Mama."

I was quite upset at botching this morning's ritual. :(
Was beating myself up over it actually...though I recognise that I need to snap out of it and can't let it bog me down too much.

I'm really sorry my baby girl....
I can only take comfort in that I gave you a big hug and kiss this morning and said my usual words to you to start the day (another ritual of ours). And that you chose this morning to voluntarily tell me 'I love you Mam!" after you put on your shoes....

Mama will do better next time baby girl...

Music

Deulgukhwa - That Only is My World
Kang San Eh - Like the Salmon Swimming Up the River
周深 - 大鱼
Hacken Lee - 月半小歌曲

Friday morning music accompanying me...these songs as well as their various cover and duet versions....some soul-healing time

Just realised. They're all non-English songs...:)

Lunch Lating

Lunch date with K later today...after several months of not doing so!

Going to TGS. Hope the plant shop next door is open too.
I definitely want to get their spanish moss since I don't know where else to get them. And possibly their asparagus fern too if it looks healthy enough and free of pests (though it is difficult to see with the naked eye).
I also want to get nice pots and other holders if they're not too expensive. I remember that shop carries rather atas stuff...hmm.
I don't recall them having airplants last time though I wonder if they brought in new stuff recently. Shopping for a Tillandsia Xerographica or a Tillandsia Streptophylla, if they're not too expensive hahha....I think one can cost up to $50...hmm...depends on the size too I guess...

Deulgukhwa

There was a period of time I was into slow rock, soft rock or similar genres.
I think I was in secondary school or JC, and I had Wu Bai playing non-stop, as well as Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Beyond, Scorpions, Guns & Roses, Pearl Jam and I think Eagles featured quite abit as well since my brother had their album.

Spent some time listening to Deulgukhwa tonight. A Korean rock band from the 80s.
Jeon In Kwon is the only member left who's still performing. Salute siah. 65-yrs-old now and his lungs are still so powerful....eccentric guy but vocals quite "sart".

I knew about their song "Don't Worry My Dear" from awhile back and I listen to it from time to time. But I just discovered that their "That's Only My World" is really good too....

Work on yourself

"A stylist can put you in clothes that can mask your your physical insecurities or imperfections. Or you could just work out and then you'll look good even in a simple Tshirt and jeans."

- Shin Seung Hun
(as expressed on Master of the House, ep 120 Ballad Emperor)

In other words, you can dress up your work or yourself with fancy words or packaging to cover up any flaws...but that fluff won't last. Work on yourself and build up your character and capabilities. Build up strong values and those will all carry you though in life.

Snooze

Went to bed at 2:20pm and woke on my own at 15:40pm, about 10 mins before my alarm rang at 15:50pm.

Thankful that:
- it was a long uninterrupted sleep
- the weather was cool this afternoon and it helped alot
- I woke feeling more rested

Behind the scenes

The work that some of us are doing for the elections...
The preparation for the various scenarios and of backup plans and holding statements...

Feeling like the army..

Lots of planning and meticulous preparations for days for something that might happen...
But which has not and is highly unlikely to happen but...

Of course...never say never...

And that's what planning entails?
Covering all grounds and angles and prepping for most scenarios

Ramblings

And we're officially into the 2nd half of the year already.
Dang. Time passed really fast this year.

The days flew by real quick in April, May and the first half of June as there was HBL for both girls and daily work they had to do each morning.

I've kind of "forgotten" what I set out to do this year as everything was thrown out of whack.
Things have improved though they've not gone back to full normalcy.
Schedules will be adjusted again as enrichment classes resume and Nadya now has an extra ballet lesson each week because she's been promoted to a different grade already.
And Nadya has also requested to go for Art classes. Alyssa is neutral about Art classes but we think she may have a greater propensity for it actually. (Alyssa has interesting and quite well thought-out concepts for her drawings)

I should take some time out to think through again what I wanted to focus on this year.
And how I should/could tweak them now in this new environment. Especially when things might be changing on the workfront too...maybe in the next 6 months?....

Wednesday only?!

Losing track of days a little. Especially when you're working at night as well and on weekends haha.
I thought today's Thursday and only discovered it's Wednesday when I turned on my laptop.
Earlier on I took the probiotics from the Thursday slot in the pill box lol.
Laoniang ish blur liao...

Not just the sleep cycle that's been disrupted. Surviving on 4.5hrs of sleep and then a 45mins nap during the day.

But the various multi-tasking too. And sometimes, I'd be having 3 (or 4) conversations simultaneously.
One on Whatsapp on the HP Envy, one on Skype for Business on the Lenovo Thinkpad, and another one (or two) on normal Skype on the HP Envy.

Ganbatte!!

Yada yada

Yesterday was Day 1 of my 9pm to 1am daily night shift.
11 more days to go....till 10 July night i.e. Polling Day night.

Holding up well so far with 4.5hrs of sleep.
Will need a nap after lunch. To last for tonight's shift.

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Water Jasmine/Water Plum
Happy to see the Water Jasmine bloom alot for the last 2 weeks. The sad thing is that the blooms only last a day or 1.5days and then they wither and fall. There were 2 or 3 consecutive mornings and evenings when I cleared up to 30 wilted flowers each time...short-lived joy in that sense.

Trimmed a stray branch off yesterday. My first time pruning it a little. That branch has been extending its way out of the shape of the uppermost pad. So thought I'd trim it back a little. Stuck the small cutting into a patch of soil. Just for fun. If it survives and grows, then yay it's a big bonus! :)

No more yellowed leaves for the last 2 weeks. Happy to see that .Fed it with some organic compost last week. Tested it with just a little scoop. In case it starts protesting and the leaves turn yellow again lol....

Moss Rose
Moss rose is doing good with one bright pink bloom every other day. Trimmed off some old dried up stalks the other day. Hope it grows bushier again. Kinda scraggly now.

Baby Aloes
The girls' baby aloes are doing good and have turned a healthy green colour after 1 or 2 months of turning a dull grey-brown shade. I changed their soil mix and they've gotten so much healthier as a result.

Rose Fairy
I sowed some flower seeds 2 days ago. 迷你玫瑰 or Rose Fairy was indicated on the packet. Hope they yield something. I last tried sowing them last year and nothing came out of it...Practising my germination luck and skills before trying to sow the Water Jasmine seeds that I collected 1 month plus ago. ;p

Indian Borage
Trimmed off another 6-7 stalks 2-3 weeks ago. Passed it to my neighbour who sadly has not planted them even though he said he would...I think...the cuttings probably dried up and got chucked in a bin and have probably been incinerated by now...:(

Local pomegranate
Need to find time to trim off the many dead branches. Hoping it will get bushier...hopefully the rains over the last 2 weeks brought it some natural nutrients too...

==========
Slightly scratchy throat. With a slight itch.
Exacerbated by K and I gorging on severla mouthfuls of Mint chocolate gelato last night after the girls fell asleep...;p

Revisiting Winter Bear

Fell in love with this song last year when it was released. It's by BTS' V.
I generally don't like English songs sung by Korean artistes. Most have poor grammar and broken English and sometimes the lyrics don't make sense.

Winter Bear treads the grey line. The short lyrics are mush at times but the melody tugs at my heartstrings ALOT...so I'll tolerate the lyrics haha. Plus, the song somehow reminds me alot of my grandmother. And for that I'll love the song. :)

Lyrics below...

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Winter Bear - BTS V

She looks like a blue parrot
Would you come fly to me?
I want some good day, good day, good day
Good day, good day
Looks like a winter bear
You sleep so happily
I wish you good night, good night, good night
Good night, good night

Imagine your face
Say hello to me
Then all the bad days
They’re nothing to me
With you

Winter bear
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sleep like a winter bear
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sleep like a winter bear

Revisiting Epiphany

Early morning pick-me-up.
Listening to BTS Jin's Epiphany. I'd love to blast it if I could.
But I have a neighbour who would blast English pop songs to counter anyone who remotely tries to play music at a louder than usual volume.

Translated lyrics below.

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Epiphany - Jin

It's so odd, I loved you so much for sure
I adapted myself entirely to you, I wanted to live for you
But as I kept doing so, I became unable to bear the storm inside my heart
I got to fully reveal my true self under the smiling mask

I'm the one I should love in this world
The shining me, the precious soul of mine
I realize only now, so I love me
Even if it's a little lacking, it's so beautiful

I'm the one I should love
(Even if I'm shaking and afraid, I walk on forward)
(I meet the real you, whom I had hidden inside the hurricane)

Why did I, like this,
Want to hide away my precious self
What was I so afraid of
That I had to hide my true self

I'm the one I should love in this world
My shining self, my precious soul
I finally realise it So I love me
Though I'm not perfect, I'm so beautiful
I'm the one I should love

I might be a little bit blunt and inadequate
You might not be able to see such things as a shy sparkle
But the fact that this version of me is my real self
My arms and legs, heart and soul that I have lived with until now

I want to love them in this world
The shining me, the precious soul of mine
I realize only now, so I love me
Though I'm not perfect, I'm so beautiful

I'm the one I should love
I'm the one I should love
I'm the one I should love

Thoughts. Of Work.

Reminder to self.

• 别管太多他人的事。别管太多他人的是非。别管太多他人的对或错。做好自己的本分。做好自己该做的事。 就够了。除非，他人踩到了你范围之内，或踩到了你的脚，那就是时候抛头露面反驳他人了。
• Integrity. Ownership. Honesty. Pride. Authenticity. Sincerity. Responsibility. Willingness to help. --> while these may not get you moving fast, at least, you're doing things with conscience and honesty. And more importantly, 你对得起自己。
• Build alliances and a support network. Of people who share the same values and principles. Of people who are unafraid of putting the team's and others' interests before their own. Of people who have your back (and likewise, you have theirs).

Practising Chinese. I don't know if the words are right or wrong. But, so long as I understand. 

whiter than white

And so Ivan Lim has pulled out of the GE.
Poor guy...I feel for him.
Whether he's really arrogant and elitist and not a good guy is one thing.
But having your name and reputation dragged through the mud at a national level....is another matter.
And having your family members endure the stress of this public scrutiny...is also quite a burden to bear.

He's a young guy. His political career is as good as zilch already.
But I hope his future in the private sector won't be too affected by this incident.
People forget over time.

This whole fiasco reminds me of an ex-colleague....
Steven Tan, who was introduced by the PAP at the 2015 GE and who similarly had to withdraw himself from running....
Due to some allegations of his past behaviour.

Like what SP said to me earlier today...
To be a politician, you need to be whiter than white.
LOL....how true....

Emo, tired. Need to pick self up.

Emo week, haven't had a proper chance to sort out my thoughts and 整理一下心情.

Mon 22 Jun - dental appointment
Prepping myself for a possible extraction done on the day itself. Took up a fair bit of energy.

Tues 23 Jun - work
Things gearing up but still not too bad

Wed 24 Jun - morning rush, packed my stuff at the Tampines flat and Night work duties started
Mad rush in the morning. Cleared work then rushed out of the house in the midst of rain and an (almost) lift breakdown and a fiasco with the cab I booked...
Packed my stuff at the Tampines flat while on a 1.5hr work call.  A little sentimental about my old things but not too bad.
Did my monitoring work shift from 4pm to 12am

Thurs 25 Jun - closed case with Ellen and night work duties
Somewhat emo but not much time to deal with it. Just accept and move on.
Another night till 12am. Clearing media statements at 11-plus in the night.

Fri 26 Jun - saw the video the housing agent did up for the Tampines flat, received a bomb of a news that Mum was starting catechism classes on that night itself. 
When realisation hits. When things start becoming real. When things have been put into motion and the agent comes and takes photos and videos of the flat to post online in his property listings. Emo about it. My childhood home. From Jan 1986 till Jul 2012 when I shifted out. Many memories. Many firsts. Many crying sessions. Many dance sessions. Many spaced-out times. Many moments with myself. My own valued private space in my room.

Granny's old cupboard was still there on Wednesday. The cupboard that had been in the family for more than 40 years. I didn't get a chance to touch it or look at it when I was over at the house on Wednesday. I didn't know they were going to get the town council to get it and throw it away today. Many many memories of me sitting in front of that cupboard while Granny packed her things. Many memories of her explaining what those things were and who gave them to her or how she came to possess those items. The cupboard's gone now. Just like that. Maybe I am placing too much attachment on physical items. In a bid to retain those memories.

Bombshell came in the evening. When Mum said she was starting catechism classes that night itself. Big news that I was not aware of till the very last moment. To be exact, around 2 hrs before her class started.  Macham just a cursory gesture to let me know. Felt displaced, out of place, out of the picture.

Worked till 10-plus.

Of milestones

I closed my case with MPFSC yesterday afternoon.
In the midst of the work chaos, I carved out a space for my chat with Ellen.
It was our monthly phone chat since February earlier this year.
And yesterday's session was our last.

Mixed feelings.
There's the apprehension of one of the safety nets being pulled away.
And this little bird being left to fly on her own.
There's also the understanding that I can't drag it out too long for her and MPFSC.
There's also the understanding at the back of our minds that we cannot let this turn into a form of reliance.

K said this is a milstone.
I'm glad he gave me this perspective.
Because I didn't think of it this way.

It indeed is a milestone, isn't it?
A 15-month journey with Ellen, where she guided, supported and helped me.
And slowly left me to my own devices.
I'm thankful for the journey and for her being around.
18 sessions, of which the last 4 were just 30min or less than 30min chats.
It was a bittersweet bye that I said to her.

Forward
Onward
Keep going

Reminder

Headspace gave me this little nugget this morning:

"Ultimately, there is only one thing that creates tension: wanting things to be different than they are."

And this other nugget came was from yesterday:

"Before being able to let go of an emotion, we first need to be aware of the emotion."

11:15pm

Drafting and amending drawer media statements together with the comms team in case we kena any issue. At 11pm at night.

Laoniang is zombiefied. I started my day at 6:10am...and turned on both work PCs at 630am...

Just thankful that I took a 45-min nap in the morning and another 30-45min nap in the afternoon...

I hope tmr will be a non-event with zero prep and/or background work....

Mixed Feelings

K had a whole bunch of old clothes that he wanted to throw away.
Helper asked if she could have them instead. She might want some and those she didn't she would go ahead to throw.

And so...it has become that she took some of his old T-shirts and...is wearing them now.

A little strange lah....to see another woman wearing your husband's clothes....

Brings me some measure of discomfort but nevermind....
I guess....over time....laoniang will learn to dull this weird feeling...hmmm...

Hectic day

Somewhat hectic day.

• Morning rush to get the kids ready. 
• Cleared some emails and then rushed out in the heavy rain to head over to the Tampines flat. 
• Cleared an email and read a doc while in the cab. 
• Reached Tampines with 10mins to spare before my 10am meeting started. I felt 
• Participated in the 1.5hr call while concurrently packing some of my stuff and discarding other things. (Received feedback later on that I was clear-minded and made good points when I sought clarity and made suggestions on some of the processes and issues being discussed. That made me happy!
• Boss texted me after that to ask me to cancel my leave today since I already spent half a day clearing emails and being on the meeting. And that I would be on night duty this evening too.  Told me to take my time and pack my stuff in Tampines. Told me no need to rush home to continue work. Felt so thankful that he's so flexible and understanding. 
• Had a good breather during lunch when I sat down with Dad and ate together. Chatted with him and all. It was good and I felt happy. 
• Continued with abit more packing and then K came to help bring the stuff back home. 
• Reached home and put aside some boxes. (There're more in the carboot though...and 2 more big boxes still at Tampines)
• Managed to get an hour shut-eye in mid-afternoon though it was interrupted 3 times. Still thankful for it. 
• Continued working and spent some time discussing stuff in virtual meeting rooms. 
• Had dinner....and back to clearing some work and being on standby. 

It's 10pm...2 more hours to go...though I may get off slightly earlier....

Shack liao...