Panic attack? Supernatural experience?

I had a panic attack in the middle of my sleep on Sunday night.
Either that or I had a supernatural experience...

I know I was awake. But my eyes couldn't open.
I know I was freaking out. But I couldn't really wake myself up fully.
I was very afraid. I thought I was going mad.
Well, it really felt like I was going mad.

Heart was pumping. I could feel it in my ears. Thud thud thud.
And I was very afraid of something.
Of noise. I was very araid of any noise. Cos any noise would seem very amplified to my ears.
Any noise would seem to be able to blow my brains out to bits...

It was surreal, yet real.
But the intense fear of feeling like you're going mad was absolutely horrifying.

The heart was itchy but it was a scratch I could never ease.

It was scary, it was horrifying, it was intense, it was deafening in a way the loudest noise can never be.

I remember clasping my eyes together..all the whole my eyes were closed.
I remember reciting Hail Mary over and over and over again.

"Hail Mary the Lord is with thee..Blessed art though amonsgt women and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb jesus..."

And I don't remember anything else after that.
Except waking the next morning with a throbbing head.

fly fly fly

My business trips are confirmed...

I should be excited...but strangely I am not...hmm mm..

Am I being weird? Perhaps it's the destinations...or perhaps it's the arduous 30-hour flight...
Or perhaps, it's the back-to-back trips..Or perhaps, I am just not in the right state of mind.

Feb 22 - 25 Manila...
Feb 27 - March 7 Mexico....

One good thing is I will have Han Chuan as my travel partner...
I will meet up with him in Manila for the conference...And as for Mexico, we'll both be flying there together...:)
Good lah, at least i'll have him for company...

And oh yes...I can clock in my KrisFlyer mileage points....woot.....!

les meilleurs amies

It is a little uncanny..even a little strange.
Things have not been going well for both PQ and me since at least 2 months back...
Mine started earlier though..her unhappy stuff came a few weeks after...

Glad we're there for each other...

She's off to run at ECP now...

Darn it, I was just thinking to myself on the way home from home...I wish I weren't still sick..
I need to run off my frustrations...I need to vent!
My thighs are aching for a good stretch..my calves are yearning for a jiggle and my feet just want to move...

Argh..till next week, till next week...:)

I hope things pan out well for both of us...New year, new hope.

wan lan eh.

99.9% of men are jerks.

I'm feeling hot now. A gf just found out during lunch that a guy whom she was relatively close to actually has a gf. But his behaviour to her doesn't say so at all.
He goes out with her late at night and holds her hands.

I don't understand. I can't understand why.
Why do guys always choose to think with their lesser head? I mean WTF lor...

You have someone faithfully waiting for you. Yet you happily skip along outside and pick other flowers to munch on. Seriously wtf??
Why can't you just cherish the one who's been with you for so long?
Why can't you just be loyal to one????

I was telling her. I feel like frying his dick.
It's a good thing things didn't get too far between them...and it's a bloody good thing she found out now and not later when more feelings are involved.

When such things happen to you and people around you...
Or when you know of such infidelities going around.
It really sucks optimism out of you in one huge gaping breath and leaves you gasping in despair.

And what's left? Jaded-ness? A more guarded heart? Less openness?
Perhaps I've been in denial. Perhaps I've always been too airy fairy.
Perhaps the hopeless romantic in me refused to open my eyes to such things.

The past year and a half has forced the naive me to see things in a fluorescent light.
Bright and clear. Yet paradoxically darker and more ominious at the same time.

The reality of these things really breaks my heart.
Am feeling darn upset now.

En Route to Being WELL and DANDY

Antibiotics makes a difference...:)

Fever's 99% kicked out from my system...

The only nagging thing is the blocked nose...Hmm mm...

The Randomness of It All

I received a tag via facebook today...I was supposed to have written 16 random things about myself and then tag 16 others to do the same.

I guess, I don't listen to instructions very well cos I decided to just write my thoughts down here instead lol.
Some stuff you might already know...some you might not...
Oh well, here goes...


#1 I like colours..green, yellow, red, pink, blue...but I usually end up wearing white or black

#2 My favourite English word is "sardonic" hence my online moniker "sardonica"

#3 I am obsessed with making lists, of all sorts

#4 I might not look like it but I am really a homebody

#5 My Chinese name means "US Dollars"..hiakzz...

#6 I have this thing for cute guys who can sing and play the guitar (or any other musical instrument for that matter)

#7 I wish I had more courage and drive to do greater things

#8 The worst time to approach me for a favour is when I just got out of bed

#9 I am a procrastinator, a very bad one

#10 I can sit at a cafe and people-watch for hours

#11 I express myself more easily in words than speech

#12 I love notebooks and I've a bad habit of buying new ones when I already have a pile of them at home

#13 I used to have imaginary pet dogs, 20 of them

#14 I am a Discovery Channel, Animal Planet and National Geographic kid

#15 When I close my eyes, a whole new world opens up beneath my eyelids, sights, sounds colours..

#16 I fall in love easily and I fall in love with love easily too..I guess..I'm a hopeless romantic

Shell the Entrepreneur?

I received a business proposition today.

It was a casual one though. Came up during a chat with my brother.

At this moment in time, things are at a very airy fairy stage. i.e. TALK and just TALK.
We both agreed to do some simple research about this possible business venture first before going into more in-depth stuff.

It's a franchise from the US. If I were to go into it, I'd be more of a sleeping partner but might undertake some of the PR and marcomms stuff. BD is his forte and he'd be the best person to do it. Operations wise...we've not come to that haha..

Hmm mm....this is interesting. But at this point, I am not 100% convinced about the viability of the business...We'll see how it goes we'll see how it goes...

If he's really keen and can convince me, the sceptical one, then perhaps 2009 or 2010 shall see me fulfilling one of my obscure dreams of becoming an entrepreneur...lol.

chez doctor...

The weather's so good now..
The wind, the sun and the white fluffy clouds in the sky!

Oh I should be in Sentosa now or blading in Pasir Ris Park or running in the park near my house!!!

When will this dumb fever subside..? :(

Just went to see the doc again..
He mentioned that my company's doctor is "dumb" cos he didn't give me antibiotics haha...

Anyway, I've been set back by $40 bucks...

Hope this clears my system within these 2 days...

Ugh..

Freaked out early this morning...
My fever went up to 39.2 degrees at 515am..

Gosh, I've never burned so hot before...Was tossing in bed feeling very uncomfy :(
Woke to take medication at 5am and discovered I was feeling faint..

Hate this feeling man..Aches & pains plus a constant state of grogginess..
Hope the fever clears by tomorrow.

It was 38.2 around 6pm..dropped to 37.8 around 8pm and then down to 37.3 at 9pm...

I apparently have some clashes with the Year of the Rat..
But I didn't expect the clash to be that great man...It's like as if it doesn't want to let me have it easy even in the last few days of the Year of the Rat...zzzz....

Sounding croaky still..hmm...
Cough's almost gone but the nose is starting to drip haha...

bleah

Looking at the fiscal calendar

08 ended on a not good note.

09 started on a not good note either...

Looking at the Lunar calendar...

Rat ended on a not good note...

Hope Ox will start on a very good note...

I fell sick. Woke with aches all over. Felt a little feverish but I thought I could handle it...

Was still managing alright except for the irritating aches...

Went back to office after lunch and I think the fever just ran loose...

Went to a doc and had 2 days MC...which is just as good since it caters for a long break for me...

Supposed to have met the man for dinner. Had to cancel.

Ended up cooking mee sua for myself....parents are out karaoke-ing and dancing at Aranda Country Club...

Just measured my temperature..It's around 37.6 or 37.7 still..

Didn't quite subside since the afternoon..Hope it goes away tomorrow...

My apologies for sounding absolutely down these past months...

But when things go down...they'll go up eventually right?

Hmm mm...

Puff Puff Pant Pant

It's been two weeks since I last went for a simple run...

Went for one just now...very slow very short...

But I had company today.

Ran with Bro Kel...

And he was sweet enough to slow down for me...though errr, a little paiseh cos I think he was just cruising along hahha...

Ran, rested, ran again, walked, ran again...

I covered 3.2km today in total? haha..

You pay $0.30 more and I'll Give You the Big COCK!

OMG. The power of Singlish!
I swear I was laughing like a hyena!!!

Trickles

Things are tough.

Floodgates are open almost everyday.

The river is running dry.

Milk

I was quite enamoured with the show Milk...
The movie about Harvey Milk...the first openly gay man to have been voted into public office in the US.

After watching it on Wednesday night..I spent that night itself surfing the net..
Watching Youtube vidoes of him..listening to some of his speeches...
I read articles and his biography online..
I even discussed stuff with Kelvin H. He got influenced by me and started watching vids of Milk online too haha...

I read about his Hope speech..his life in Castro Street...
I read about his ingenuity and ability to see things beyond which others can't...
I read about his political struggles and his perserverence amidst such strong opposition and criticism...

I read about how he fought and won..how he challenged and won...how he encouraged the underdogs to come out and fight for their own rights..

It was very very interesting. Very very interesting.
2 days later and I am still talking about it.

I'm glad the movie was very very factual.

I loved how it was interspersed with real video snippets from Milk's era...the 1970s.
It all adds to the realness of it all.

I liked how they paid attention to the casting of the actors...
Each actor played out his character to true form...as evidenced by the real photos of those characters shown at the end of the movie...
And as evidenced by what I had read about them in online articles...

I watched the movie and then I read the whole (well almost) history of it all..
Everything was almost true to form...right down to the fonts used on the placards of Milk's campaign posters...

Right down to the shirt he wore when he gave his speech at an event..
Right down to the hair and moustaches...
Right down to the actual jokes which Harvey Milk made last time whilst on a live TV programme...
Right down to the way he was assasinated..

There was almost nothing which was fabricated just to add to the commercial appeal of the movie...It was a good biography and just that.

Plain and simple. No added pizazz or fanfare.
Which is wonderful considering the amount of commercialism and fabrication and surrealism in the movies of now...

I thought Sean Penn did an impeccable job of voicing Harvey Milk. And I thought he did a darn good job of bringing Harvey Milk to life in the movie.
Despair, satire, happiness, hope, fun, sadness, strength, confusion, tiredness, lust...
He did it all with an open and sincere heart...

Lovely show.

Simple disclaimers:
Might be abit draggy for some...
Might be abit strange for others cos of the homosexual scenes (which actually came up to alot of scenes)..
Might be abit boring for yet some others...

Je veux savoir qu'est-ce que j'ai besoin de faire..

Human Rights

Watched Milk with some colleagues just now.
Very interesting show..some people might not have liked the intimate scenes between guys...very sexual, very intimate...
I think Sean Penn did a great job in the movie...

Anyway, here's a video on Human Rights...I think it's rather cool...

French Delf A2 Exam

Voila! I love Benoit!! hahaha..

Benoit was the teacher who took me for my French Delf A2 oral exam...Back on 2 December 2008
He's a Korean fella who was born and bred in France..39 years of age, not very tlal but tanned and cute in a way...but super "ji-hong" aka flirtatious..

He gave me full marks for my oral!!!!!! 25/25
Hahhahaa and for that, I love him for his frivolity in handingout marks lol..

Test Results
Writing: Comprehension - 20/25
Writing: Production - 20.5/25
Listening Comprehension - 22/25
Oral - 25/25

Whee!!! I passed with 87.5/100!!

Muahhaa..
One bright spark in my otherwise grey mood...

Le Bureau...The Office

Major shake-up.

There's gonna be a major re-org in the division.
Each one of the 90-odd staff in the division will be affected. In one way or another.

The Deputy Director General (aka 3rd highest man in the whole organisation) will be giving a briefing tomorrow afternoon.

On who's going where, who's gonna do what now.
Who's gonna get screwed big time.
And what's the new org structure of each department in this division.

I've heard some rumours already.
Plus the boss gaveme a sneak preview of some things to come.
As long as there's no major impact on me.
I think I'm fine.

Hmm.
Hope so.

knn

Talk is cheap.

So very cheap.

The mouth can rattle off a zillion things.

But mean just one big zilch.

And for a seasoned player like you.

I guess it comes naturally.

Damn it XH.

Don't take me for a fool.

WTF.