One of those nights

When you get quite frustrated and tired and you feel like crying. 

But you can't. So you just have to take a deep breath, smile (I think fake one also can) and just carry on...

TRUDGE ON!

Side note: read an article previously that even a fake smile can bring your body some good....hmm. 

Ok, end of whining. 

Of fashion

I am not a fashionable person. I don't shop often, nor do I follow any fashion trends. I buy what I like, I buy what I feel comfortable in and generally, I go for safe and plain colours, or simple cuts and patterns, especially for workwear.

You could say I am boring. Or you could say I am unadventurous. Or you could also say I am conservative. Oh well and whatever. I do and still take some pride in my appearance, just on my own terms.

It suddenly occurred to me that, the cardigan I am having on today, was bought 10 or maybe even 11 years ago I think. It was from a shop in HK. I still remember it was on a trip with 2 of my secondary school friends. 

It's either:
- The material of the cardigan is so good that it can last for so long
- Or the cut and style of the cardigan is unique and classic enough to still be relevant
- Or I don't wear it often so it has lasted so long in my wardrobe
- Or I am oblivious to the wear and tear and general deterioration of this particular piece of clothing and that's why it is still around


Hmm.

One thing for sure, I can still wear it. :) The sleeves are slightly tighter though...which means I am more or less the same as last time? Just maybe slightly puffier.

I can't remember if there are any other items in my wardrobe which were bought so long ago....Might be an interesting thing to do a tally.

Getting really absent-minded

Suddenly realised my finger is bare. For the life of me, I cannot remember if I wore the ring this morning or not. Freaking out. K gave me the ring. It is our engagement ring. :(((

Oh shucks, wish the afternoon would pass quickly so I can get off work and go home as quickly as possible to check my bedside table. :((((


==============
Update:
When I got home that night, I discovered that the ring was sitting there quietly on my bedside table. You cannot imagine the huge sigh of relief that I let out. Maybe it was even a little cry of gratitude.

Landscape

Of hills and valleys and ridges

Of meandering lines and mini potholes and gritty pits

Of craters and undulating knolls and chunky dunes 

Of forked roads and cobbled paths and dull horizons

This is the landscape

Of my face

Sigh

burgeoning (i hope not)

I hope I'm not putting on too much weight from munching on Little Baby's leftovers...

Sometimes I throw it away...sometimes I try to finish it up because I find it so wasteful...

Bah...how ah? :(

random

Bought a swimsuit for her online. Can't wait for it to arrive in the mail and can't wait to bring her to the pool.

She loves bathing these days. I think she'll enjoy splashing about in the pool. :)

Side note, online shopping itch is starting up again...

"Oh dear!" I hear my pockets say....

Hmm.....

Last Night

Little Baby tested my patience. I had to keep telling myself to keep cool.

She refused to eat the mashed pumpkin and sweet potato mix I prepared for her. She gobbled up the same combination over the last weekend and seemed to love it alot. But last night she just refused to swallow it.

She would open her mouth when offered the food. She would take the food into her mouth. And then she would immediately stick her tongue out and push out the food or just let the food drop out. And at the same time she would stick her fingers into her mouth as well and rub bits of everything all over her face.

It was a mess. Didn't help that she's got alot of hair and I was trying hard to keep her from touching her hair and getting mashed food in that mane of hers.

Oh well...I gave up and prepared brown rice cereal for her which she gobbled up pretty quickly. It was still messy though because she kept sticking her fingers into her mouth again. Imagine a mouth full of gooey sticky cereal and saliva and tubby fingers.

She was sleepy after that but refused to sleep and spent the next hour-plus rolling around in her cot alternating between happy squeals and excited gurgles and frustrated cries and fussy requests to be carried. And I couldn't leave her alone in her room. If I did, she would start crying within 2 minutes. So it's here I guess, the separation anxiety that I read about in parenting articles.

Had a bad backache after last night's episode. Thankfully it went away after some sleep.

I had a Dream

I woke at 530am to feed Little Baby. She went back to sleep after having her tummy filled and I headed back to sleep as well. Catching every little bit of sleep is important to us these days.

In that short 45minutes, I had a dream which I woke from feeling a mixture of sadness and happiness.

I dreamt I was in a big big house with lush gardens surrounding it. The grounds of the house even had a stable for horses. I was walking around outside and decided to go back into the house. I went in from the backdoor which led directly to the kitchen.

And when I stepped into the warm cosy kitchen, there they were, seated at a rectangular wooden table which had been pushed against a wall.

My Aunt (who is still very much alive by the way), my grandmother and my grand-aunt. The three of them, chatting away in English and our Peranakan lingo. They were happy. When I stepped in, my grandmother turned slightly my way and gave me a small nod to acknowledge my presence though the other two didn’t. After that nod, she went back to their conversation.

My grandmother looked healthy and happy. She was not too thin and looked like how she was back in 2007, 2008 or even 2009, when she was still using her walking frame to shuffle around. I remember seeing her pink walking frame in the dream. It was folded up and placed against a wall in a corner of the kitchen.

She was dressed in one of her brown multi-print blouses and her usual black pants. And she was wearing her gold-rimmed specs. She was her wrinkly self but when she smiled or laughed in her conversation her eyes sparkled and her cheeks bunched up.

I don’t remember much about how my grand-aunt was in the dream. Her back was facing me but I could hear her voice and I could see her permed white hair, full and proudly coiffed. But she sounded excited, happy and chirpy for sure. She let out one of her chuckles in the dream.

I don’t remember anything else after that. The dream probably ended there. 

I hope this is their way of telling me that they are together now in whatever place they are at and that they are doing well and are happy. 

Today happens to be the 133rd day after Gran's passing.

On the bus this morning

2 young ladies were seated behind me, chatting (gossiping) incessantly. I think they were in their early or mid-20s.

They were scoring the guys in their mutual social circle on a scale of 1 to 10.

A: "Sean's an 8 to me."
B: "Really? I think I'm stricter than you. He's a 7 to me."
A: "Haha ya, I'm more generous. Weiye's very photogenic though but he doesn't look as good in person. I give him a 6.5."

Girls.....Like seriously??
No better things to talk about meh?

汪峰

Just discovered this singer. A respected 摇滚singer based in China. Loving this song of his.

Lyrics are pretty meaningful and it captures the paradoxes and dilemma of life. How one can feel happy and sad at the same time, how one lives and yet doesn't at the same time.

汪峰 - 存在

多少人走着却困在原地

多少人活着却如同死去

多少人爱着却好似分离

多少人笑着却满含泪滴

谁知道我们该去向何处

谁明白生命已变为何物

是否找个借口继续苟活

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒

我该如何存在

多少次荣耀却感觉屈辱

多少次狂喜却倍受痛楚

多少次幸福却心如刀绞

多少次灿烂却失魂落魄

谁知道我们该梦归何处

谁明白尊严已沦为何物

是否找个理由随波逐流

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼

我该如何存在

谁知道我们该去向何处

谁明白生命已变为何物

是否找个借口继续苟活

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒

谁知道我们该梦归何处

谁明白尊严已沦为何物

是否找个理由随波逐流

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼

我该如何存在

Om Nom Nom

This was the first time I let her try a fish-flavoured baby biscuit.

She loved it. 

back...zzz...for now....

When I go missing from my own blog, it usually means I've been really caught-up in various things.
These days, "various things" usually means family, chores and Little Baby.

Let's see..what were the things I was thankful for since last Wednesday 13 Aug?

1) Went to an industry seminar on Thursday and saw a number of industry folks (both local and overseas folks) who I know. It was nice catching up with them. The seminar was at Raffles Hotel and I had a nice buffet lunch too :)

2) Had a nice lunch on Friday with KH and Clarissa.

3) Went home for dinner on Saturday night and met up with Adrian and family.

4) Attended an ex-colleague's post-ROM tea reception at Food for Thought Gardens by the Bay on Sunday. Brought Little Baby long too. Though she took long to warm up to all the new faces, she eventually did to about 2-3 people only after an hour or so .

5) Cooked aglio olio on Saturday for lunch and carrot, potato, corn soup. :)

6) Was on leave on Monday! Although most of the day was spent catching up on chores, it still felt good to be on leave. You can let your hair down and let yourself pick whatever you wish to have for mealtime.

It's Tuesday afternoon 3pm now. To be honest, I keep falling asleep at my desk. I'd be typing halfway and then I find myself nodding off with my fingers somehow typing out some intelligible rubbish on the screen.

Being thankful - Day 9

Today I am thankful for:

1) Catching up with a good friend from work, KH. We didn't see each other for 2 entire weeks and had a number of things to catch up on haha. Our lunch ended up being 1.5hours long. Just discovered that she is also watching Voice of China Season 3! Yay, there's someone whom I can discuss the show with now. :)

2) Little Baby being alright after a small tumble she had in school. She is learning to walk now and is using furniture and other objects to get to a standing position. She is still a little wobbly though. Either she lost her grip or she was trying to get down to the floor this afternoon. She took a tumble and landed on the mat beneath her. But her right cheek hit part of a shelf and had some red bruising. The teachers put an ice pack on her cheek and the redness has since almost gone away. Was told that she cried initially but stopped when the ice pack was put on her because she was curious about the ice pack and the cold feeling. Just very glad that she's okay. My poor baby...am so gonna give her a big hug when I see her later back at home...

3) Being able to hum or sing songs to myself without caring if other passers-by think I am mad. If I'm happy and feel like singing, I'll sing. Of course, I don't do it loudly lah...just enough for myself to hear. Someone standing next to me or a few steps away from me will definitely hear it.

Being thankful - Day 8

Yesterday, I was thankful for:

1) The bus arriving at the bus-stop just 2 minutes after I reached the bus-stop. Lol, I guess it's the little things which make your day sometimes. :)

2) Having a conversation with one of Little Baby's teachers in infant care. It is always good to hear feedback and also always good to hear that there are positive observations made about your child. So Little Baby is opening up to other teachers now and is less sticky to this particular teacher who spoke to me. She even approached two other teachers on her own accord and they were so pleased and happy that she was finally willing to go over to them. She is becoming more independent apparently and can sit on her own to play or go off exploring on her own. She can also interact with the other kids better now. Little Baby is growing up...

3) Salad supper. Munched on crunchy greens tossed in Japanese roasted sesame seed sauce. In the white bowl K brought back from Nice. In the quiet of night. It was 10pm. In the kitchen. In our home. I felt happy.

RIP Mrs Doubtfire

The first news I saw this morning was that of actor Mr Robin Williams committing suicide on Monday 11 August 2014. He was aged 63 only. That is still young to me.

I do feel sad. He was a good actor. He made us laugh, made us cry, made us think and imagine.
He inspired me in Dead Poets Society, made me laugh till my sides hurt in Mrs Doubtfire and left me crying and in awe in Good Morning Vietnam. 

RIP Mr Robin Williams.
Perhaps you were in despair, perhaps you felt tired and did not wish to battle on. Whatever it is, I believe it took you much courage to do what you did. 

Wherever you are going, I hope you will find your peace there and happiness as well...

Being thankful - Day 7

Yesterday, I was thankful for:

1) The chance to take a 30-45min nap. K looked after her while I collapsed on our bed and snoozed for almost 45mins in the early afternoon. A good nap definitely brings you further and I was grateful to K for doing chores and looking after her during that time.

2) Little Baby's trip out to the park. There is a park about 5 mins from where we stay and while K went for his Sunday evening jog, I brought Little Baby out for a walk along the park connector and at the park and playground itself. She looked intently everywhere and when we reached the playground she was staring at all the bigger kids running around (some were a little "amok" lol). I sat with her on one of those saddle seats that had a huge spring connecting it to the ground. She held the handlebars and I just rocked and bounced away haha. I'll be more prepared next time though, I forgot to bring her portable fan out, forgot to put on her pre-walker shoes and also didn't put a mozzie patch on her. Next time!

3) Our little family eating together. The fried rice and salted vege soup that my Mum made us dabao when we went over for dinner on Saturday dinner formed part of both our meals on Sunday...
During dinner, K, Little and Baby sat at our dining table on the balcony. 我们一家三口。A small breeze was blowing, a neighbour peeked out through his balcony (we waved to him) and there we were having dinner while the sun was setting. Nice homecooked food, using our own cutlery and crockery and utentsils, sitting in our own space. Couldn't ask for more.

Fish Porridge

Yesterday was a second failed attempt at getting her to try and finish fish porridge.
We tried 2 months back as well and she did take some of it but eventually turned her face away.

Last night, she took a few mouthfuls and then started fussing and crying.

Hmm, am I not doing or cooking it right? Is threadfin too fishy? Maybe I'll try cod fish instead?...

Oh the thoughts and plans and ideas for her food are floating around in my mind right now.... Mid-afternoon at work lol... ;p

Being thankful - Day 6

Today I am thankful for:

1) Mum cooking salted veg with duck soup for K and I. She knows we like it and I think she was also worried if we were getting enough to eat for our meals. For she cooked an extra Tupprware for us to dabao home haha.

2) The chance to watch the National Day parade on TV. I've not done that for many  years and this year, the little girl was looked after by K and my parents so I decided to park myself in front of the TV and watch it. :)

3) A clothing sale. Chanced upon a Fox Kids store and it was having a sale of buy 4 get 1 free. Needless to say I grabbed 5 items of clothing for Little Baby, hehe.

Being thankful - Day 5

I am thankful for these yesterday:

1) K coming home earlier. He was supposed to touch down at 12-plus am but it turned out that his work couldn't proceed per schedule and he managed to switch to an earlier flight home. 

2) A good friend I have in HK. I started out being wary of him and his intentions but H has since turned out to be a good friend I have in this industry. We can bitch about stuff in the industry and also share views on things out of the industry and on our personal lives.

3) The nice lunch I had with two other colleagues from my team. Nice in the sense that we could talk freely with each other and had much fun and laughter. 

Being thankful - Day 4

Today I am thankful for:

1) A surprise visit in office by an ex-colleague. Lili's getting married soon and I wish her all the best!

2) A surprise FB message from an ex-work acquaintance. He used to be from a Ministry and was checking if I was going to attend a particular Internet conference in Istanbul in October. Turns out I'm not attending. He's with Google now and has invited me over to his office for a catch up session. Muahahahha, I'll take up the offer soon :) Having a contact in Google is always good, especially when you yourself are in the Internet industry. 

3) My mum. She's been there for me always. I didn't see it when I was younger and had a difficult period with her. But things kinda changed when I was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm back in 2005. I was touched, very touched by how she and my dad took care of me. And I told myself to always be there for them too. She's staying with me tonight because K is out of town. She so very kindly offered to help me out and look after Little Baby while I settled chores and other stuff. Lol deep down, I know she is also super curious as to how our new home is like. Plus she misses spending time with Little Baby. Hence her offer to come stay with me for a night. Haha....