Boohoo

I know I cry easily when watching to touching movies or videos or reading moving stories. 

But I cry even more easily these days. An inspiring video on FB is enough to make me tear. Watching certain portions of Voice of China can make me cry too. 

I must be tired.

First Time Mom. Oh the Uncertainties.

Before Little Baby's arrival, I was apprehensive but made sure I read and got myself knowledgeable enough to prep myself better. I planned and I organised and I prepared. Those close to me would know that Microsoft Excel is my best friend in such events. I planned for and organised my ROM and wedding with the help of Excel and I did the same for Little Baby's arrival. Things to buy, what to do and when to do and how much to spend were all captured in that trusty little softcopy Excel file, which I titled "baby mouton" (mouton is French for sheep.)

But of course, no amount of planning gets you ready for the thing called parenting. It's a constant learning and unlearning process. OJT. Trial and error. Patience and luck. Best practices and whatever you feel comfortable doing. And alot of it is based on gut feel. I call it gut feel, some people call it nature, that we are wired to be able to do basic parenting.

Lots of questions and uncertainties. Lots of figuring out. Am I doing the right thing?

I think we're doing an okay job with Little Baby so far. Could be better but I think we're coping.

Right now, the thing I am most uncertain about is her sleep, her diet, and her teeth (or lack of).

Sleep.
Is she sleeping enough? Enough to let her brain develop the way it should be? Enough to ensure she is well-rested and relaxed and happy? What's the best way to ensure she starts sleeping through the night again?

Diet.
Are we feeding her the right amount? Is she having enough? Is she taking in enough nutrients? Is she taking in enough solids? What more should I feed her with? What can I feed her with? Why is she refusing to eat fish? Will making my own ikan bilis powder help?

Teeth.
Where are her teeth? We have yet to see any and she is reaching a year-old in less than a month's time. Everytime she starts chewing on something, people will say she is teething. Well, she's been chewing on things since 4 to 5 months ago......and we're still waiting for that elusive first tooth to pop out. She's definitely a late bloomer in this aspect.

I think going forward in the next few months, the things i will start worrying or be uncertain of will be her speech, her temperament, discipline and of course, her starting to walk.

Happy Friday on 5 Sept

I was on leave last Friday because Little Baby's school was closed due to it being Teachers' Day.

I decided to meet my parents for lunch at Tampines. It was my first trip out with Little Baby alone. It was pretty alright though she got a little cranky during the cab ride there.

Turned out that my two aunts were in Tampines to look for my mum as well so we all had lunch together.

I was quite happy to have had the chance to catch up with them and have Little Baby meet up with them too. They are quite of age now and they dote on me alot too so I was really happy to see them. I hope they were happy to have had the chance to play with and carry Little Baby too. They were smiling and laughing so much at her. Though they did complain that she is kinda heavy for them to carry for long haha. They ended buying her a sweet little dress complete with little pink rose adornments on the bodice and an organza pink skirt.

K was on half day in the afternoon and swung by to meet up with us as well.

It is always nice to be in the company with your dear and loved ones. Really warms the heart.

And I was also very happy to see my Dad all smiles and grinning so happily while carrying Little Baby. (She refused to let him carry her over the last 2 to 3 Saturdays when I visited them at their home.)

They say a child completes the family and brings happiness and love along with him/her.
How true.

David Tao

I like his songs and am listening to his playlist today while at work.

For a while though, I did not listen to him because his songs invariably bring me back to a period of my life which I do not wish to recall. And also for some reason, some of his songs make me emo lol.

Anyway, am starting to listen to his songs again. So far so good, not getting emo. :)

jumbled thoughts. very jumbled.

One of those days when I feel melancholy creeping up on me.

Wondering what I have achieved in my life so far

Wondering what else or what more should and can I do

Wondering how will things pan out over my lifetime 

Telling myself that 人比人, 气死人。 自己活得开心就好，要知足。

These days, I also feel inadequacy in almost everything.

And I also feel like there's something that needs to be done with my life.
But I have no idea WHAT.

A niggling feeling. 似乎有一丝的空虚感。

Where do I go?
What do I do?

There are some I want to keep in touch with or to meet up with. 有心但力和时不足。

I just feel like crashing into bed all the time. Or I only feel like huddling up with my pillow to watch drama videos online.

The introvert in me is screaming out for "me" time to recharge.
Maybe some days of no one being around me. No one.
Too much to ask for? Hmm. 

Is this a rant post? I don't know. Just typing whatever comes to mind.
No edits, nothing.

The weekend

It was an exhausting weekend. K was down most of the time, especially on Saturday, so I was going at it alone.

Chores and Little Baby alone were enough to occupy my entire Saturday from 7am when she woke till 9pm when she slept. 

Getting up and preparing for work this morning was a little difficult. I had wanted to use toner for my face and ended up pouring eye make-up remover onto my cotton puff instead. 

Bah. 

I hope I survive the workday ahead. 

(And the work week ahead)

Wah

How can one sleep for 12hours from 10am to 10pm? 

Hmmmmm....

Um actually it's 10pm now and still sleeping...

Hmmmmm....

K: yup you know who :) 

Sleep regression

Little Baby was sleeping throughout the night on a regular basis till she turned 9.5months almost 10months.We had just shifted and when she started waking anywhere between 1 to 3 times a night (sometimes even 4 times), I initially thought that the new environment stressed her out a little. We thought she would get used to the new home and go back to her usual "sleep through the night" routine.


It's been 1 month and she's not letting up. Out of the last 30 days, I'd say she's only had maybe 4 to 5 days (or is it less??) of sleeping through the night.

K & I are extremely tired.

I've been doing some reading up on baby sleeping habits and the like.

So it seems like we are definitely not the only ones facing such a problem. Tons of parents out there are facing or have faced similar situations. There is even a term for it..."Sleep Regression".

But articles online say there are other causes for sleep regression like physical and cognitive development milestones. A baby who has just learned hot to crawl or sit up or walk will be so hyped up about his new skill that he is constantly thinking of it and constantly trying it out even in his sleep.

In desperation, I even toyed with the idea of buying one of those US-based online "Sleep Packages" where they teach you how to sleep train your baby again, without using sleep props. I didn't in the end because I was more worried about whether I was buying from a trusted site or not. (Didn't want to have my credit card details phished and used for other malicious purposes.)

There are various remedies people advise parents in these situations. Sigh, but I don't find them very concrete. I hope she goes back to her previous routine soon...

I feel quite drained. And desperate.

God, can send me some solutions?

Recap

Things I was thankful for last week:

1) K was busy at work so I was a lone ranger for almost every weekday night. Little Baby was generally quite cooperative and there were no major fussing sessions (except for one night when my fuse a little shorter than usual and she managed to frustrate me alot).

2) We had the chance to head out to Taka for awhile on Sunday. We brought Little Baby over to K's parents' place for them to babysit her. Although it was a short 2-hours plus trip mostly filled with running errands and buying the household stuff we wanted to get, it still felt good to head out of the house for awhile, without Little Baby in tow.And it felt good to eat sushi at Sushi Tei haha.

3) We brought Little Baby to the pool on Saturday afternoon. It was a wonderful feeling seeing her gorgeous smiles and watching her happily splashing about in the water. We really need to get her those arm floats!

4) The briefing session we had on Friday afternoon with our partners went pretty well. I was glad I had the help of our team's main PA. With her assistance, the organisation of the session went well. I was glad that my presentation went smoothly too, with no hard or cynical questions posed by our partners.

5) The clothes I ordered from Qoo10 arrived!

6) The curtains for the other two bedrooms arrived! The chairs for the dining set arrived!

7) The boss got grouchy and moody on a certain day but there were colleagues and KH from the other dept who kept me sane.

Water baby

My stomach wasn't feeling too good but I  had been wanting to bring her to the pool for a long time and 2 weeks ago I finally found a swimsuit for her online as well.

So we finally went this afternoon. It was a short trip to the pool but I'm glad she loved it! She was smiling and kicking and splashing the water haha...

One of those nights

When you get quite frustrated and tired and you feel like crying. 

But you can't. So you just have to take a deep breath, smile (I think fake one also can) and just carry on...

TRUDGE ON!

Side note: read an article previously that even a fake smile can bring your body some good....hmm. 

Ok, end of whining. 

Of fashion

I am not a fashionable person. I don't shop often, nor do I follow any fashion trends. I buy what I like, I buy what I feel comfortable in and generally, I go for safe and plain colours, or simple cuts and patterns, especially for workwear.

You could say I am boring. Or you could say I am unadventurous. Or you could also say I am conservative. Oh well and whatever. I do and still take some pride in my appearance, just on my own terms.

It suddenly occurred to me that, the cardigan I am having on today, was bought 10 or maybe even 11 years ago I think. It was from a shop in HK. I still remember it was on a trip with 2 of my secondary school friends. 

It's either:
- The material of the cardigan is so good that it can last for so long
- Or the cut and style of the cardigan is unique and classic enough to still be relevant
- Or I don't wear it often so it has lasted so long in my wardrobe
- Or I am oblivious to the wear and tear and general deterioration of this particular piece of clothing and that's why it is still around


Hmm.

One thing for sure, I can still wear it. :) The sleeves are slightly tighter though...which means I am more or less the same as last time? Just maybe slightly puffier.

I can't remember if there are any other items in my wardrobe which were bought so long ago....Might be an interesting thing to do a tally.

Getting really absent-minded

Suddenly realised my finger is bare. For the life of me, I cannot remember if I wore the ring this morning or not. Freaking out. K gave me the ring. It is our engagement ring. :(((

Oh shucks, wish the afternoon would pass quickly so I can get off work and go home as quickly as possible to check my bedside table. :((((


==============
Update:
When I got home that night, I discovered that the ring was sitting there quietly on my bedside table. You cannot imagine the huge sigh of relief that I let out. Maybe it was even a little cry of gratitude.

Landscape

Of hills and valleys and ridges

Of meandering lines and mini potholes and gritty pits

Of craters and undulating knolls and chunky dunes 

Of forked roads and cobbled paths and dull horizons

This is the landscape

Of my face

Sigh

burgeoning (i hope not)

I hope I'm not putting on too much weight from munching on Little Baby's leftovers...

Sometimes I throw it away...sometimes I try to finish it up because I find it so wasteful...

Bah...how ah? :(

random

Bought a swimsuit for her online. Can't wait for it to arrive in the mail and can't wait to bring her to the pool.

She loves bathing these days. I think she'll enjoy splashing about in the pool. :)

Side note, online shopping itch is starting up again...

"Oh dear!" I hear my pockets say....

Hmm.....

Last Night

Little Baby tested my patience. I had to keep telling myself to keep cool.

She refused to eat the mashed pumpkin and sweet potato mix I prepared for her. She gobbled up the same combination over the last weekend and seemed to love it alot. But last night she just refused to swallow it.

She would open her mouth when offered the food. She would take the food into her mouth. And then she would immediately stick her tongue out and push out the food or just let the food drop out. And at the same time she would stick her fingers into her mouth as well and rub bits of everything all over her face.

It was a mess. Didn't help that she's got alot of hair and I was trying hard to keep her from touching her hair and getting mashed food in that mane of hers.

Oh well...I gave up and prepared brown rice cereal for her which she gobbled up pretty quickly. It was still messy though because she kept sticking her fingers into her mouth again. Imagine a mouth full of gooey sticky cereal and saliva and tubby fingers.

She was sleepy after that but refused to sleep and spent the next hour-plus rolling around in her cot alternating between happy squeals and excited gurgles and frustrated cries and fussy requests to be carried. And I couldn't leave her alone in her room. If I did, she would start crying within 2 minutes. So it's here I guess, the separation anxiety that I read about in parenting articles.

Had a bad backache after last night's episode. Thankfully it went away after some sleep.

I had a Dream

I woke at 530am to feed Little Baby. She went back to sleep after having her tummy filled and I headed back to sleep as well. Catching every little bit of sleep is important to us these days.

In that short 45minutes, I had a dream which I woke from feeling a mixture of sadness and happiness.

I dreamt I was in a big big house with lush gardens surrounding it. The grounds of the house even had a stable for horses. I was walking around outside and decided to go back into the house. I went in from the backdoor which led directly to the kitchen.

And when I stepped into the warm cosy kitchen, there they were, seated at a rectangular wooden table which had been pushed against a wall.

My Aunt (who is still very much alive by the way), my grandmother and my grand-aunt. The three of them, chatting away in English and our Peranakan lingo. They were happy. When I stepped in, my grandmother turned slightly my way and gave me a small nod to acknowledge my presence though the other two didn’t. After that nod, she went back to their conversation.

My grandmother looked healthy and happy. She was not too thin and looked like how she was back in 2007, 2008 or even 2009, when she was still using her walking frame to shuffle around. I remember seeing her pink walking frame in the dream. It was folded up and placed against a wall in a corner of the kitchen.

She was dressed in one of her brown multi-print blouses and her usual black pants. And she was wearing her gold-rimmed specs. She was her wrinkly self but when she smiled or laughed in her conversation her eyes sparkled and her cheeks bunched up.

I don’t remember much about how my grand-aunt was in the dream. Her back was facing me but I could hear her voice and I could see her permed white hair, full and proudly coiffed. But she sounded excited, happy and chirpy for sure. She let out one of her chuckles in the dream.

I don’t remember anything else after that. The dream probably ended there. 

I hope this is their way of telling me that they are together now in whatever place they are at and that they are doing well and are happy. 

Today happens to be the 133rd day after Gran's passing.

On the bus this morning

2 young ladies were seated behind me, chatting (gossiping) incessantly. I think they were in their early or mid-20s.

They were scoring the guys in their mutual social circle on a scale of 1 to 10.

A: "Sean's an 8 to me."
B: "Really? I think I'm stricter than you. He's a 7 to me."
A: "Haha ya, I'm more generous. Weiye's very photogenic though but he doesn't look as good in person. I give him a 6.5."

Girls.....Like seriously??
No better things to talk about meh?

汪峰

Just discovered this singer. A respected 摇滚singer based in China. Loving this song of his.

Lyrics are pretty meaningful and it captures the paradoxes and dilemma of life. How one can feel happy and sad at the same time, how one lives and yet doesn't at the same time.

汪峰 - 存在

多少人走着却困在原地

多少人活着却如同死去

多少人爱着却好似分离

多少人笑着却满含泪滴

谁知道我们该去向何处

谁明白生命已变为何物

是否找个借口继续苟活

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒

我该如何存在

多少次荣耀却感觉屈辱

多少次狂喜却倍受痛楚

多少次幸福却心如刀绞

多少次灿烂却失魂落魄

谁知道我们该梦归何处

谁明白尊严已沦为何物

是否找个理由随波逐流

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼

我该如何存在

谁知道我们该去向何处

谁明白生命已变为何物

是否找个借口继续苟活

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒

谁知道我们该梦归何处

谁明白尊严已沦为何物

是否找个理由随波逐流

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼

我该如何存在