Sunshine Baby

Alyssa seems to be less vocal compared to Nadya at the same age. But we all agree that she is generally a cheerier baby. Quick with her smiles and generally calm. 

After waking up from a 2hr nap. Super happy!

After waking from another nap.

While playing peekaboo with me in the car.

Cheekily chewing up Nadya's books when she wasn't around. Lol. Nadya would go berserk if she actually saw Alyssa gnawing on her stuff. 

For posterity

Me and the 2 girls before heading out to a manyue celebration. 

One of the few times I made them sit together to take a picture haha. This protective mama was afraid that Alyssa would topple over or that Nadya would use too much strength to hold Alyssa. 

Love this picture of the 2 of them together on a toy called Mr Zebra. 

Conversations with a 32-month old

Last Sat morning. Breakfast at Parkway Parade's foodcourt. 

N: I want to follow Dada to buy food.

K: ok follow me.

N: But I want to hold the money ah. I hold the money. 

Lol. She's got her priorities all sorted out eh?

==========

One night while going to sleep. 

Me: Good night Dada. Good night Nana. I love you Dada. I love you Nana. 

N: I love you Mama. I love you Dada. I love you me. 

Lol. Self-love starts from young....and yes darling, it is important that you love yourself...:)
Wise little girl...

*cries*

There are times when I don't understand why I'm the only who wakes when Alyssa cries or wakes in her sleep. 

And I'm the one who is on 2 types of drowsy medication. 

The one having the baby monitor (the helper) can't wake and the one sleeping next to me sleeps like a log. 

Sigh. 

Mega sigh. 

Of fights and love...oh well, parenting...

I was tired and a little breathless last night.

I lost my temper at Nadya. Who was fighting with me about not wearing diapers to bed.
She didn't want to. We wanted her to. Yes, I know, it was probably a good opportunity to train her to ditch the diapers but I'm not ready to do night-time pee training yet...I can't handle it now when I am also not in the best of health.

I've not raised my voice at her to that level for a long time. It was natural that she immediately burst out crying.

Spent some time settling her down before she finally dropped off to sleep.

As she lay sleeping, I smothered her face with kisses.

Apologetic kisses. Loving kisses. Mummy kisses.

And I whispered to her "Mama loves you very much." a couple of times.

This morning she was ok but a little cranky.
I forgot to give her a hug before she went to school...:(

Cough...Cough...Cough

One knows one's body best.

I've not felt right about my cough since a week plus ago. It's been around way too long for my liking. Almost 1.5months. At times it showed signs of abating, only to resurrect itself with a vengeance.

For the past week I've had shortness of breath and some tightness in the chest.
My right ribcage, below the breastbone, has been aching like F as well. I can't even hold my handbag properly and I can't pull open the main door of my house without wincing.

I had wanted to see the doctor again several days back. K convinced me otherwise. He said it was probably due to my lack of proper rest and stress.

I finally decided that I had better see the doc again. I went yesterday morning. That was my 5th visit.
I was exasperated and the doctor could see that as well. He finally conceded that there may be something else wrong with me and that I might not be having just the regular cough and cold.

He suggested for me to go see a respiratory specialist. My main airways might be inflammed by now and that is why the regular cough and cold medications won't work on me.  Those medications work on common upper respiratory tract infections like the common cough and cold. Once the main airways are inflammed...something else needs to be done. Like what? I have no idea.

I trudged down to Bedok Polyclinic immediately to get an appointment with SGH. Took me 2-3 hours and lots of waiting just to settle that. But at least I've got the appointment already. Next Friday though. I have to tahan for another week.

The polyclinic doctor also said the same thing and prescribed me steroids to control the possible inflammation and clear my airways abit so that I can breathe easier.

So now I am on steroids. For at least the next 5 days.
I have 2 days MC and will be going back to work tomorrow, i.e. Friday. I hope I can tahan tomorrow and next week's working days before my appointment with the specialist arrives. 

Fingers crossed. Praying that I will be ok...
Ganbatte.

Jiayou everyone

家家有本难念的经。
Every household has its own issues.

Every person is fighting a battle that others can't see.

A friend just fought with her husband and left their matrimonial home. 
A pair of good friends, husband and wife, have been trying for a child for 7 years and are now pinning their hopes on IVF. But they still need to be in the queue for it and IVF is sometimes not a one-hit-and-success-comes kind of thing.
3 friends got divorced within the last 2 years. One's moved on quite well. One's grappling with it still. And the last one's just trying to wing it as a single mother in a foreign land. \

Battles, big and small.

But, at the end of the day, we still put on a smile and life goes on.
Whether that smile is a real one or a mask is another matter....We have to keep moving, yes? Movement keeps us sane and maybe it makes us more tired too so we have less energy to think about the negative stuff.

I'm sorry, such morose stuff right at the start of the day.

I've been tired and a little emotionally raw.

Ganbatte to everybody.
To my parents.
To K.
To the 2 girls.
And to myself.

Friday night drive

We did a late night grocery run on Friday night after both kids were asleep. I'm glad we're near the 24-hr NTUC at Bedok Central. 

I drove ourselves back home. And I was rather proud and happy that it was a smooth drive home. 

I thought I did good. 

Until I parked the car and realised that....

I didn't turn on the headlights while driving.

Bah.

So that entire 10-15mins drive was totally with my headlights on. 

Damn dangerous lah....I need to remind myself to turn it on....

Maybe car manufacturers should consider making cars that can be programmed into having the headlights automatically turning themselves on at a certain time lol.... 

Food for Thought

真正的感觉是骗不了自己的心。

How true.

There was once when I ignored what I truly felt deep inside. I dismissed my own feelings and my own gut feelings to pursue something which not only did not materialise but which ended up bringing much hurt to me.

I can only hope that I remain true to myself and my own feelings in the years to come.

Snip

During this time of some minor tweaks and changes to my life, I finally found an opportunity to cut my hair. 

Cut, not trim. 

I gave my stylist an instruction of "cut till the shortest length possible such that my hair won't start curling out." 

In the end, 6-7 inches were lopped off. :) 

The me from 5 years ago might have been extremely upset that so much hair was lopped off. I found myself surprisingly calm yesterday lol. 

Voila, this is me now...still not too short lah. But much shorter compared to what I had before the cut. :) 

Yay!

This noob just did her first petrol fill-up for the car tonight. First time in my life. Virgin no more :) 

Lololol. 

Yea I know, I am suaku. 

P/s: short but good drive tonight.

mini-me

In the recent 2-3 weeks, the bedtime ritual for Nadya is this....

We would either read books or play some games. Sometimes she would take to being "Teacher Nana" and "teach" us ballet or some toddler gym exercises. Sometimes, she would request to watch aeroplanes go by. (From my room and my balcony, we can se planes going by every few minutes or so.)

And then I would make her her night-time bottle of milk. While she is drinking, I would turn off her room lights and lay beside her. In the past few days, she's taken to asking for K to be present in the room also. (This is a very good sign by the way...)

We would all lay on the mattress on the floor. This mattress is positioned just below her bed, just in case she somehow rolls or falls off while she is on the bed.

Last night, I lay next to her. She dropped off to sleep pretty quickly and was rather affectionate last night. One of her hands was cupping my face and the other was draped on my shoulder when she nodded off to dreamland.

Her room curtains were open slightly, enough to let in slivers of moonlight and ambient light from the neighbour's houses.

I stared at her face. Her hair. Her nose. Her cheeks. I watched her breathe. I stroked her arms. Held her hands.

I felt how her fingers and toes twitched from time to time. I felt how her hands sometimes reached out to me. I watched her flip over and change positions while still sleeping....

And I thanked God for gifting me this little girl.

My mini-me.

And of course, after determining that she was truly deep asleep, then did I carry her back onto her bed....

Purple

I've started taking my multi-vitamins again. Something I had to stop after I got pregnant and while I was breastfeeding.

Got myself a new pill planner box since my old one was rather worn. 

Something small, something new. Something to accompany me on a daily basis. 

Here's to better health! 

Touché

Yes, I am.

Myriad reasons I think.

Work.
Staff who are more senior in terms of rank (and pay and bonuses) trying to offload some of their stuff to you.
Someone else who is 2 ranks up and getting rather aggressive and assertive these days.
Your new boss bringing your bonus down to half of what you used to get.
Long-drawn project 4 years in the making that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. 

Double-standards.
In work. In personal life.

Kids.
Nadya testing my limits with her hissy fits.
The worry at the back of my mind and the constant hoping that Alyssa is fit and healthy enough to fight off any bugs.

Self.
Not quite in a good place right now.
Nursing a month-long cough. 
Wallowing. Frustrated. Tired.

============
Am hoping some minor tweaks and changes here and there in terms of mindset and lifestyle would do me some good.

Afterall, no one can pick myself up other than I, right? Others can only assist to their best abilities. 
Yeah, let's get out of the doldrums to watch the daisies and dandelions reaching for the sky.

Jiayou. Jiayou. Jiayou.

Sucker for Punishment

Listening to Jacky Cheung and bawling my eyes out in the office this morning.

一路上有你

One of my fav songs from him.

I'm not upset though, just got emo while listening to the song. :D

thoughts..

Family

• the girls and their development and well-being-
• building own family cohesion and foundation

Self

• exercise and getting started
• multivitamins and getting back into better health

Work

Relationships

That Annual Letter

Several months ago, a new boss came by to lead the team. The old boss was retained on contract as an advisor, subject to further notice or till when he is ready to retire or when the higher-ups don't need him anymore.

Yesterday, I received the annual letter given out to staff. The one which informs staff of the amount of corporate bonus, performance bonus, annual salary increment and/or market salary adjustment.

I had already expected a lower than usual performance bonus from previous years.

I just did not expect the performance bonus component to be even lower than what I was expecting.

Am I disappointed?

Yes. It was the lowest in all my 8.5 years of serving the company. In fact, it was almost half of what I usually get.

Why? Several reasons I can think of.

New boss. With a different standard of rating.
I was away on maternity leave for 5 months plus. (Though it is to be noted that during my previous leave of absence in 2013 for the birth of Nadya, my performance wasn't so drastically affected. In fact, I don't think I was penalised at all.)
I was also penalised for a delayed project which incidentally, got delayed not entirely because of me but also due to other external factors. 

So?

FML lor.

When I need the money, circumstances happen such that it doesn't come in as much as past years.

Will this affect the way I work now?

The right response would be: No of course not, I am still a dedicated individual putting in my worth for the company. Truth be told, I am not so sure. But I think my dedication to the company just dropped by half. Could be just a reactionary emotion on my part, I don't know.

Anyway.

Lao niang is not happy with this year's performance bonus.

Anyway.

Lao niang can't do much about it.

Anyway.

Pfffffftttttttttttttttt.

For posterity

Nadya in her ballet outfit.

Cute max. Love max! 

please go away now.....

*cough*
*splutter*
*cough*

Really bad this time.
I don't think I've had it this bad before.

My stomach muscles started to get sore on Sunday morning from the vigorous coughing.

FML....

And I don't wanna pass it to the kids....:(

Went for an xray yesterday to rule out any sinister issues....
Hope the results are ok.....

Conversations with a 31-month-old

This morning after I woke Nadya up.

N: Mama, today I don't have school? *looks expectantly at me*
Me: Darling, you have school today.
N: *immediately starts to whine* I don't want to go to school.....
Me: Go lie down for awhile. I'll make some milk for you.
N: Mama, I have gym today?
N: *thinks further* Mama, I don't have gym today? I don't have gym today.
Me: Yup, I think you don't have gym today.
N: REALLY? *looks upset*

Ok sorry darling, Mama burst your bubble early on Monday morning...