"Washing face"

The floodgates open more easily these days.

I involuntarily cried when a colleague asked me how I was yesterday morning. Ruined my eye make-up abit...-_-

And I involuntarily cried again this morning when I was at my desk having breakfast.

Bah.

Questions. Thoughts. Worries.

The thought has always been at the back of my mind. To either take a 1, 2, or even 3-year break from work; or work on a part-time basis.

Alyssa is sick again and the thought has thus resurfaced again. I have half a mind to take her out of infant care, if it would help her gain some semblance of a healthy, happy childhood. I do not wish for her memories to be filled with images of being fed medicine all the time or of coughing and having a leaky nose all the time.

6 months on, after returning to work from my maternity leave, I still don't seem to be handling this working mother shit thing very well.

My brother texted me this morning and surprised me. He asked me to consider taking a few years break from work till the girls are older and more stable. He can attest to this I suppose. My sister-in-law stopped working to fully concentrate on my nephew, from when he was 6 months old. He is 13 this year.

Questions. Thoughts. Worries.

So.......

So I guess this is what growing older means...

Taking care of and worrying over your kids...
Helping out and worrying over your parents...

Trying to settle your own things but most of the time not being able to do so...
Things are put on the backburner...

Jiayou.
Jiayou.
Jiayou.

王德顺

I was listening to an old Chinese man's speech online. I chanced upon it.
Mainly because I recognised him as THE old Chinese man whose picture went viral last year when he proudly strutted his stuff down the runway during China's fashion week.

His name is Wang De Shun, 王德顺 in Chinese.
He was 79 last year, which makes him 80 this year in 2016.
He was in very good shape during the talk, speaking, prancing, jumping, gesticulating and running about on stage.
It was a TEDx-type of forum called Yixi. You know, whatever the world has, China would have its own version of it.

Although the talk was mainly a chronological diary of his achievements in life and in the arts, it was inspiring in a way. It wasn't a self-glorifying speech but it didn't dwell on life values and learning points either. He left it to the individual listener to glean what they wanted from his talk. 

For me, my takeaway was that while tenacity, drive, determination, passion, grit and hardwork gets you far, luck and connections bring you further and helps set you apart from the others who also have the same grit and passion as you do. Getting a lifelong partner who supports you in your quest in life is important, as is holding to your own ideals and principles in life. And, it is important to keep your passion and interests alive, no matter what age.

Set your mind to something you want and pursue it doggedly. For one of his art performance, in order to fulfil the role he envisioned in his mind, he spent 3 years at the gym to hone and tone his body. He had wanted to achieve an Adonis-like physique because he would be "performing" with 3 bronze female Greek mythology-type statues. And so he set his mind to enter the gym and get that body he wanted. He was aged 50 when he stepped into the gym for the first time. When he was 53 and had attained his body, his face looked like an old man but his body looked like a 30-year old's.

He ended his 30mins talk with a poem written 30-odd years in the 1980s by a poet from Shanghai named Bai Hua, 白桦.

And in that poem titled 船, was a line which I thought resonated with me.

今天，我才有资格嘲笑昨天的我。
- 白桦

Baby Dylan has arrived!

Just visited TH and Diana at Gleneagles. I managed to carry baby Dylan! Always lovely to carry a newborn baby. They are so small and their mews make me melt. 

Dylan's 3.19kg and 50cm long with a head circumference of 33cm. 

I only saw Diana for a while because she went for a breastfeeding class and by the time she came back the baby was hungry and wanted to latch. 

I have concluded. I am the only buay-gan mom who went for a csec and looked so chui after the op. I was totally drained and felt so painful. 

Diana was a picture of happiness and she was walking around almost normally. I was sort of hunched over for a long time. 

:( 

累

是很累
是想哭

不过路还是要走的
还是得走的

那就抬起头
下恒心
继续走吧

加油
加油
加油

小红, my wallet

I'm picky about my wallets. I want them small but with sufficient space to store my cards. Not that I have a lot of them, I make sure I have minimal cards because I don't like clutter in my wallet. 

So in the meantime, till I find another replacement, here's my obiang solution for the broken zipper...

What happened the other day...

在我的天空

I recently stumbled across an indie rock band from China. 

They're called 南征北战, or NZBZ for short. 

One of their songs <<在我的天空>>, is pretty cool and quirky. What I like most are its lyrics...in particular, this section...

再见我的爱 I Wanna Say Goodbye
再见我的过去 I Want a New Life
再见我的眼泪跌倒和失败
再见那个年少轻狂的时代
再见我的烦恼 不再孤单
再见我的懦弱 不再哭喊

 
Now I wanna say
hello hello 我的未来
hello hello 

在无尽的黑夜
所有都快要毁灭 至少我还有梦
也为你而感动

原来黎明的起点
就在我的心里面 只要我还有梦
就会看到彩虹 在我的天空

and also these lines...

如果没有离别如何学会承受打击
如果没有跌倒如何能够学会爬起

rather meaningful...rather inspiring...

One of the reasons why I like Chinese songs is that the lyrics are often beautifully phrased and form very meaningful and inspiring verses.

Or maybe my Chinese isn't good so that's why I am easily impressed haha.

keyboard warriors

The Internet has spawned numerous keyboard warriors and people who type or comment without thinking through if what they say actually sounds right, correct or isn't hurtful. Worst are those who purposely spread vitriol.

And so, Singapore, through Joseph Schooling, has earned her very fist Olympic gold medal ever.

With it came many articles exalting Joseph and his family and the amount of sacrifices they have had to make to support his dream of being the world's best in swimming.

These are definitely ok and to be expected. Afterall, his winning the coveted gold medal had united a nation....and it is a feat to be honoured and congratulated.

And then there are the other articles and comments....

That he is not a local and questioning his parentage and his parents parentage. Just because his last name isn't the typical Chinese, Malay or Indian-sounding ones doesn't mean he is not Singaporean lah...aiyoh....

And then...I just saw an article comparing him with a foreign talent who had helped Singapore win a silver medal in table tennis 8 years ago. The article hailed him as a hero, a true Singaporean with the passion to succeed. The same article put down that China-born athlete who has subsequently left Singapore to go back to China. The article, while not scathing, not so subtly hinted that she was just here for the money and had no passion for the sport whatsoever. And of course, it mentioned the fact that she was not a local and would not be loyal to Singapore.

Sigh. I give my hats off to these people and to these so called independent alternative news sites. Any opportunity they get, they try to twist it into something political and anti-foreigner, just to fan the anti-establishment and xenophobic flames more.

Conversations with a 34-month old

Last evening, our neighbour gave her a cupcake. I cut it up into pieces.
It was a red velvet cupcake with dotted with chocolate chips within. It was quite nice actually.

Me: Nadya, there's a small piece and a big piece left.
Me: I take the small piece and you take the big piece ok?
N: No mummy. I take the small piece.....

Me: *my heart soars*
N: ....And also the big piece...
Me: Right. -_-''''

LV ah LV...why u so fast kaput??

I got myself a red LV wallet during our second Europe trip back in 2010. That was when I visited K when he was studying in Nice. And I got the wallet from the LV shop there....

It's only been 6 years!! 

And the zip gave way this morning....

Boo. :( 

Ok time to look for an equally small and efficient wallet. 

Nadya

I don't think I've ever felt so helpless and desperate.

Since she turned 9 or 10 months old, Nadya has never been a good sleeper. I consider it very good if she only wakes once a night. And we have had many very good nights so far. 

In recent weeks though, she's taken to waking at least 2-3 or even 3-4 times a night. This started when she fell sick. She was also cranky and irritable during the day. The PD attributed it to her taking a new type of medication (Fedac). He switched it out to a different medicine. 

I also spoke to her teacher in her childcare to find out if there was any underlying cause for her crankiness, besides her sickness. There was nothing. 

Her day-time crankiness abated after a week plus. But the bad nights continued. She would wake fussing and crying and sometimes seemed inconsolable. 

We checked the Net and found out that it could be due to night terrors. There was no cure for it except to "wait it out" and that the child would "grow out of it". 

It has been 3 weeks already, at least. 

She's now perfectly fine during he day but in the middle of the night, she morphs into a small monster. 

There has been a lot of frustration for me, mainly because she only wants me to be with her and rejects K at night. She insists on me sleeping with her in her room as well. Woe is me because there is only that much space on a foldable mattress on the floor. Anyone who has ever slept with a toddler next to them will attest to how capable that toddler is of pushing them off the mattress. It gets rather trying as well when you get a kicking thrashing toddler next to you who can't calm down and tell you exactly what is wrong. I've lost count of the number of kicks I've received already. 

Now, since 3-4 days ago, whenever she wakes at night, she is still fussing and crying and kicking badly. But she has also started to complain of pain in her right lower arm (from the elbow onwards) and in her right leg (from the knee onwards).

It is 1am now. She has woken 2 times since she fell asleep at 930pm. She just complained of pain in those areas again and also in her left ankle. I had to alternate between threatening and carrying and scolding and cuddling her. 

In the end, I had to massage her limbs, those which were apparently painful. And I massaged her for some 10-15mins till she fell asleep. 

K says its child rheumatism. And that he had it when he was young as well. 

I hope it's not. 

And I am desperate for a solution as well. 

I've been trying to function on an average of 4 to 5hrs of sleep each night. 4 to 5 hours cobbled together, and not in one single sitting. 

It's affecting my mood and my brain function. I even spelt my own name wrongly on a piece of form I had to fill in. (Yes, like wtf??) 

I hope to find a solution soon...and at least find out if she's medically ok or not....

Stay strong my baby girl....

Peanut had fever on National Day afternoon...She's still at home today (with the helper) but I'm back at work already.

My body may be in office. But my mind is at home with her....

Brought her to KK yesterday morning just in case. A previous ENT doctor said 2 weeks ago that she had middle ear infection and liquid in her ears so I thought bringing her to KK would be better...just in case.

My poor baby, please get well soon...Please fight off all the bad germs and whatever is bugging you. 
You've been falling sick so often that Mama's childcare leave of 10 days this year has all been used up in 4 months.

Stay strong ok? Be strong ok?

*worried*

sigh

sigh

sigh........

Reading

I'm glad our persistence and consistent routine paid off.

Even when I tell Nadya that it's late and she needs to sleep, she would still insist on reading at least one book before going to bed. Whether she's just trying to buy time and fight off having to sleep, or she's genuinely wanting to read, I don't really know to be honest. But I choose to believe she really like reading. :)

I hope the younger one catches on this in time to come...

Peanut...my lovely girl...

I had to hold her down again while she had a nose scope done.
So poor thing. She was terrified. The moment I lay her down on the patient chair she started screaming. And she was still screaming when we had to wrap her up tightly in a blanket so she couldn't move. Imagine how she must have felt...

Sigh...I'm very sorry you had to go through it sayang....Mama felt sad too...

And now what I'm hearing from the ENT doctor is that she may be having a food allergy. After 2 weeks on antibiotics, her sinus infection (if it was a pure infection) should have cleared up pretty well...and her middle ear infection and liquid build-up should clear up too.

Unfortunately, they don't seem to be clearing up that well. And the specialist said it only meant that she was probably having a food allergy. To what? We don't know but a common cause is milk.

He advised us to cut out her formula milk and replace it with soy-based formula milk instead.

Sigh. Why like that ah...
Peanut...stay strong ok...Dada and Mama are with you.
Stay strong and happy...and as healthy as you can be....

Dada and Mama love you alot...

Another baby is coming!!

I'm happy and excited beyond measure. 

2 good friends of mine have been trying for a child for the last 7 years. They've finally succeeded and their tiny one is already 17 weeks!! Due in Jan next year...

And I must say. My dreams are damn zun. I dreamt of a friend being pregnant back in June 2014. She really turned out to be pregnant. 

2 days ago I dreamt that these 2 good friends of mine were discussing money matters with each other and were also discussing whether to buy baby clothes now or wait till later. I remember waking up and thinking "eh??!!" Lol. 

Then he texted me today to ask for confinement lady contact! 

Hahahah so zun lah. If only I can dream of 4D numbers :) 

Taxi drivers....

It helps to know your route and how to get from place to place. 

There are honest drivers and there are some dishonest drivers. 

Just met one who suggested a route which would have probably been 2 times longer in distance than usual. 

I gave him the benefit of doubt and described the route that I wanted him to use. To my surprise, he knew what I was talking about and could even finish off my sentence for me. 

Oh well, maybe he really did forget that there was this shorter route available...

On MC today

Both to rest and recuperate from my cough (which I got from Nadya). 

And to get some peace. 

I am one who needs a lot of alone time to decompress and feel sane. With kids, that's hardly possible. Unless I'm on MC or on leave. 

Spent the morning clearing some work which had deadlines (erm yeah, today was the deadline haha). 

Having lunch now. Maggi mee with veg and sausages. Not the most healthy but I'm making do and besides, it's comfort food. :) 

Oh yes, and am attempting a whole single page meshing together different Zentangle patterns. My mind's not as creative as I hoped it would be...and I'm taking quite awhile to complete it...

But for now, I am content to just sit here alone. With quiet surrounding me.

 

Zentangles

Recent artworks that I was practicing based off other designs from the Net. 

Conversations with a 33-month old

We were in the car. The radio was on.

N: Mama! This is Class 95!

Me: Wow you know?

N: Ya, the best mix of music! (Their slogan)

===============

At some random location.

N: You need password to get on the plane you know?

Me: You mean a passport?

N: Noooo, password. 

===============

In the car again. 

K: Can I tickle your feet later?

N: No.

K: Why?

N: Because I don't want to get germs. 

Lol lol lol. 

GGMP again

God grant me patience again...

Nadya. 3-4 meltdowns each day in as many days.
Say a wrong thing and she goes into instant meltdown. INSTANT. Within a minute she would be kicking and screaming on the floor. Sometimes it's just 20seconds.

She wakes in the middle of the night like that as well.

And it only started since this week. The only time she was ever this hard to manage was when I was pregnant with Alyssa.

No, I am not pregnant now....so ......what's happening with my firstborn??

Desperate for answers.

I was so frustrated last night after getting kicked and pushed by her several times that I ended up crying.

Argh

An average of 2-3 meltdowns each day for the last 3-4 days. What the hell is happening? I hope she's ok.

I'm losing a lot of patience. A lot. 

And, I can feel myself falling sick. My throat is aching like shit already. Mild grade fever now. Popped Panadol. Hope I get enough rest tonight. 

Me? Wikipedia? Nah.....

And so...a colleague said during lunch yesterday that he was impressed with me and felt like I was a walking encyclopedia. Another called me Wikipedia.

I went like "Har? What did I do to give you guys that impression?"

Apparently there were several occasions when we chatted as a group about various things ranging from plants to dogs to kids' stuff to charity work to old folks and I seemed to know about them all.

I don't think I'm that knowledgeable though. Just so happened that I know a little about those stuff we spoke about.

But still, it feels nice to have received a compliment haha.

GGMP

God, grant me patience....

To handle a cranky, fussy, sick toddler.

To be able to function at work despite the lack of sleep and that nagging ache in my shoulder and neck.

To deal with The Ogre at work. 

This morning

Trying morning. Nadya threw mega tantrums. Several of them. We spent an extra 30mins to get her ready for school. 

She became surprisingly cooperative in the car and when we were on the road she was in good spirits, singing her favourite songs. 

Alyssa was ok at home and in the car and only started crying when K had to peel her off me when we reached the school. Nadya had wanted me to accompany her to the childcare side so K had to take Alyssa from me to bring her to the infant care area. 

Leaving your kids when they are crying for you is never easy. 

Big One

Big one had fever, runny nose and mild eye infection over the weekend. As of today, no more fever, no more eye infection....but her runny nose is still there and it has also caused a phelgmy cough...

Rather volatile and cranky. She suddenly woke and threw a hissy fit at 11pm last night. Screamed, shrieked, kicked, flailed, cried, shouted and what have you....for a good 10-15mins.

I had to sleep with her again. On the same mattress.

I've been having a sore neck and right shoulder for several days already. An accumulation of awkward sleep positions on her mattress for the past week or so...

Please get well soon Nadya.

Poor Peanut

Brought Alyssa to the  ENT Specialist this morning.

She had her nostrils poked with a nasal scope. The poor little girl was crying her head off.

And so, long story short, she has been diagnosed with Sinusitis.
Even her middle ear, on both sides, are infected already.

She needs to be on antibiotics for the next 2weeks till her next review. More antibiotics. Sigh.

And some other different types of medication. :(((

Just happy to see that she is in much better spirits compared to a week ago when she was running a fever, eating half (or less than half) her usual feeds, and generally being very groggy, grumpy and glum.

Emo Mama

Mama's emotions and nerves are a little bit raw this week.
Different types of news that I hear or situations that I get into can make me feel emotional and want to tear up.

The monthly cycle is supposed to come anytime now.

Is this the reason why this Mama is feeling kinda emo this week?

Jiayou Mama...

During those drab workdays....

These are what keep me going :)

Zombie

330am. 

Went to bed at 11pm. 

I've woken up 4 times already. 

Tmr ho say liao. Will probably be a mega walking zombie-panda. 

Luckily I had foresight and applied for "work from home" tomorrow as I need to care for Peanut. Somewhere in between, I also need to settle work stuff in the morning before going for a medical follow-up in the afternoon. 

Peanut, stay strong and fight the germs okie. Please take more food and milk. Mama is very worried about you....

Little Baby, stay strong too. Fuss less and please sleep through the night from today onwards okie??!! Mama is imploring you...

**fighting!!!!**

breathe!! jiayou!

really leh.

when nothing happens. nothing happens.

when I need to handle more things. suddenly everything comes in at the same time.
plus now peanut is unwell again...:(

the mama juggler needs to come out of her shell again to "perform".
working from home this afternoon and tomorrow....

The 2 Princesses

Loving this photo because of how Alyssa is holding onto Nadya's hand. I didn't engineer it. I only discovered it after the photo was taken. :) So sweet. 

Pea-brain

I'm getting quite pea-brained. And bird-brained. And scatter-brained. Or whatever you call it.

I had bought a redbean pancake from Jollibean on Monday morning and stuffed it into my bag. I had intended to nibble on a portion of it during the day and to keep the rest for Nadya to try at home in the evening.

And then.

I completely forgot about it.

Till this morning.

When I reached office and opened my bag and rummaged through it. 

Today's Thursday. 3 days after I bought the pancake. Needless to say, the brown pancake was dotted with erm...yellow, green and white mould.
 
Part of me gagged. ZZZzzzzz......

How can I be so forgetful?

:(  :(  :(  :(  :(  :(  :(

The 2 girls

Nadya has been making up her own words...Rather creative I think.
But not sure if it is something I should be concerned about also? Hmm...

We were playing make-believe masak masak yesterday evening and were "making juices to drink".

We started out with normal stuff like apple juice, orange juice and watermelon juice. She then started coming up with strange names for her juices like "manap", "sweelee", "mani", "kooga"....

During other play times she would make up strange names like these to describe things too....

============
Alyssa is now in the stage of exploring.

She seems more adventurous than Nadya. She'd fall or bump herself on something and then she'd burst out crying, sometimes for longer than a few minutes. But with some consoling and hugs and kisses, she'd be back in action in no time again. Going for things with a devil-may-care attitude lol...

She's climbing, pulling herself up, crawling at breakneck speed, and chasing after me sometimes haha.

I'm really trying my best to enjoy her and bask in her awesome cuteness and gorgeousness and chubbiness......before she grows up....

Time flies too quickly these days.

============
Ah yes, and it's also the time for us to explore giving different types of food to Alyssa now.

Stuff she has taken include:

• stewed apple
• pumpkin
• carrot
• sweet potato
• cauliflower
• chicken
• fish 
• avocado 
• papaya
• banana
• bread - both white bread and wholemeal bread   

 And the verdict??!

• stewed apple - "erm ok lah"
• pumpkin - "don't really like"
• carrot - "love this!"
• sweet potato - "better than pumpkin. nicer if there is apple in it"
• cauliflower - "love this!"
• chicken - "please mash it smaller for me..."
• dory fish - "erm..sometimes this is gross..."
• avocado - "ok gross..blechhhhh"
• papaya - "love this!"
• banana - "erm....can't decide if I like this or not"
• bread - "love this!"

Lol.......more new stuff for her to try this week! Broccoli, pork, and pear!

Other stuff to introduce to her in the coming weeks: 

• mango
• spinach
• baby biscuits
• cod or threadfin
• avocado - giving this a try again!
• peaches
• kiwi

Musings

Your life is a result of the choices you made. If you don't like your life, it is time to make better choices. 

I can't give credit to anyone because I've forgotten where this came from. Probably one those memes that get circulated around online from time to time. I do remember though that I saw this on Facebook....

I like it.

Simple and straightforward.
Life can sometimes be abit more complex than that though.