4 hours

That is the average total number of hours I am clocking each night I think.

Not in a single continuous stretch but in intermittent durations ranging anywhere from 30mins to 3hours. 

I am feeling a little under the weather today. Groggy and just generally not in my best. Maybe the lack of sleep is starting to take its toll. 

Chicken essence is my best friend now for giving me energy boosts. No, I don't take coffee for it makes my heart palpitate.

Breathe Michelle, and jiayou....

Breastfeeding

This breastfeeding journey had a slow start and I am glad that things have somehow found their way to a somewhat steady state. 

While I endeavor to try my best and am committed to the effort, I am also mindful not to place too much unnecessary pressure on myself. If my supply is not sufficient, I'd just supplement it with formula milk. Some breastmilk is better than none. And unlike how some extreme proponents of breastfeeding extoll, it is not a sin to give formula milk, Afterall, my entire generation practically grew up on it. So long as the baby is growing up well, that's all that matters. I'm glad that with this mindset, I'm currently achieving a steady state of around 80% breastmilk and 20% formula milk for Peanut. 

I don't follow the "pump every 3 hourly" rule but stretched it to a 3.5 or 4 or even 5 hourly duration, especially when circumstances don't allow me to sit down for a 30 or 45-minute pumping session. 

I don't enjoy the pump session(s) needed in the middle of the night. It's taken away my sleep time.

I don't enjoy the soreness that sometimes comes but I've learnt to manage it better and to curb it when I feel it coming. 

But.

I am mighty happy when I see Peanut guzzling down my milk. It is nature and it is a natural thing but it sure feels surreal to see your child taking in food that was produced by you and growing up well. It is even more surreal when she latches on me directly.

I did not set myself a particular timeline or any particular objective to follow but now that things have been built up to a steady rhythm, I hope to try to keep this momentum going till at least she is 4 months old. That is one milestone marker I have now set for myself and I'll take stock again when that time comes. 

In the meantime, breathe Michelle, and jiayou. 

Mantra

The confinement nanny I hired to assist me after Nadya's birth had previously gifted me with some wise words. 

She told me: "照顾小孩子只需要三个心:爱心，耐心和专心。”

This piece of advice has stayed with me since then and has served me well during my journey as a mother, especially during those times when I felt frustrated, impatient and desperate.

It is especially useful now, when I remind myself that I need love, patience and commitment to see through the challenging times (mainly in the middle of the night actually) when I need to handle the needs of both kids concurrently, or when I need to manage Nadya's tantrums. 

Breathe Michelle. And jiayou. 

Achievement unlocked

After a horrible pump session last evening which only yielded a miserable 10ml, I thought to myself: this is it, I'm a dry cow. Jialat how to feed the baby tomorrow? You mean I have to go on full formula so soon? Bah....

But I'd felt engorged at that point...

And voila. It is 430am now. 

I am pumping and have been sitting here for at least 40mins and I'm looking at a grand volume of 230ml. A mega session indeed in terms of time and volume. And I'm still going. 

Wah. This is a first. Never had so much before. Glad I don't feel engorged already. 

Wooha.

Ok unplugging soon and scurrying back to bed....

:((

Very often, we take those closest to us for granted. 

I was a frazzled ball of nerves yesterday. I only had a total of 4 hours of sleep (I think) taken intermittently throughout the previous night. Coupled with past nights' accumulated lack of sleep, I was practically a walking zombie. And I didn't managed to nap much in the day itself because well, the baby didn't nap much. That zapped me of much energy.

3 members of my team at work contacted me separately at different times yesterday asking for various things. That grated on me. 

Nadya was a happy ball of energy when she got home last evening. Only to morph into a squirming fussy ball when it came to bedtime and she wanted me to tuck her into bed. That stressed me somewhat.

Alyssa was another fussy ball when evening rolled around. After drinking milk and receiving copious amounts of patting and rocking and cuddles, her eyes were still wide open and she refused to sleep. She would doze off in my arms contentedly and give off little mews, what I take as mini baby snores. But the moment I laid her down in her cot, she would wake and started bawling. That went on for awhile and kinda frustrated me. 

And I couldn't pump out even 20ml of milk last evening. I was starting to get engorged but somehow the milk refused to get out. I was sore and in need of release, literally. That grated on me again. 

K is away on a work trip. He called me at the end of the day yesterday and caught me in a bad time. He wasn't feeling well and had a scratchy throat and a hoarse voice and a runny nose. He was sweet enough to still call me and check in on things. 

I was however, a distracted, frazzled, tired bitch and just an irritable ball of nerves. Various things were asking for my attention all at once. My mind was everywhere and I was struggling with my pump as well. 

Needless to say, I wasn't a nice person to speak with at the time. 

I am sorry baby. 

Sorry that I was gruff and distracted and not nice at all. 

Sorry that I wasn't paying enough attention to you. 

Sorry that I took you for granted...

Sorry sorry sorry. :( 

I go stand one corner and face the wall ok.....

Truth Be Told

I'm feeling

- doggone tired

- fat, haggard and ugly

- frustrated 

- a little stressed out 

- a little lost 

- aimless 

- flustered

- all over the place

Both kids

Family

Close friends

Work 

Each pulling on a shirttail of mine. 

Jiayou Michelle....

??!!

I'm on maternity leave.

Leave.

That means I am out of office with official approval. That means I do not need to work. 

Why am I getting queries from team members via whatsapp and even email?! 

Why? 

Confinement

Today is the last day of my confinement nanny's services. It marks the end of my confinement period. 

I kind of both wish and do not wish for her to go. I am happy she's leaving because I can look after my own child without her giving anymore comments about how things should be done and what not. And I am also happy for her to leave because then I won't feel embarrassed anymore when she speaks at her loud volume (the entire block can hear her actually). On the other hand, I am not looking forward to her leaving as well because now my nights might (will?) be chaotic. 

Whatever it is, thanks auntie for all the help rendered and for the nice food you cooked. 

How it came to be

This scan was taken on 23 March 2015. She was 12 weeks in my tummy and measured a wee 5.6cm. I remember I was already showing a little then. 

In the scan, she absolutely looked like a peanut to me and that's how her nickname came to be. Peanut. :) 

K had originally wanted to call her Littlest Baby (following the lines of "Little Baby" as a nickname for Nadya). But we eventually found it a handful to pronounce and he too ended up using "Peanut" to refer to our second princess haha. 

How time flies. Peanut's now out of my tummy for 4 weeks already. A prolific milk guzzler, she's piled on already but because I don't have a working weighing scale at the moment, I don't know how heavy she is...definitely more than 3.5kg I think. 

15 years already

Just received a letter from Aviva informing me that I have paid up all my premiums for my life insurance in full and I will not need to pay anymore. Wonderful news! This frees up $2,000-over dollars each year for my other expenses. 

Back in 2001, I'd gotten myself a life insurance with a lifetime coverage but only needed a 15-year period of premium payments from me. 

I remember thinking at that time when will the 15th year ever arrive...and before I knew it, 2015 is the 15th year already. Gosh. Where did all the time in between go? So many things have happened since 2001......

I graduated.

I stepped into the working world and changed jobs a few times.

I made new friends.

I kept old friends.

And I lost some as well.

I got my driving license.

My nephew came along.

I loved, I got cheated and I lost. 

I had brain surgery. 

I partied every weekend when I recovered. 

I studied French.

I met a great man and I loved again.

I got married.

I had kids. Two in fact. 

I grew up.

I travelled. A lot by my standards.

Granny left us. 

I shifted house twice.

I got my own abode. 

It hits you suddenly. Wow, 15 years just passed by like that. And then the questions come. 

How will my next 15years be like? 

Which friends will still be sticking around? 

How will my parents be like?

How will my kids be like?

How will K and I be like? 

What will we be doing then? 

Where will we be staying then?

How will all of us look like? 

Everything happens for a reason

I bought a pair of shorts end of last year. It was the wrong size, bigger and baggier than what I thought it would be. 

And so it sat in my cupboard collecting dust. I'd forgotten it existed till I was packing my cupboard earlier this morning. 

The discovery has been timely for I need bigger clothes now...

The day today

Many heartfelt thanks to my gal pals...who together with K, arranged for a surprise visit to my house this afternoon. 

Ally couldn't make it in the end because Kyler had HFMD several days ago. So only PQ and family came by. 

But you guys made my day :) 

K ordered chicken wings too. He knows it's my fav. 

I thought this scene was cute. Little Baby and Darius were holding hands and posing with my birthday cake. This is the first time I've seen Little Baby hold hands with a boy. She may have done it in school before but I wasn't there to witness it. 

==========

Heartfelt thanks too to all those who dropped me wishes via SMS/Whatsapp, Facebook and FB Messenger. 

Several folks who went missing for several years suddenly appeared again virtually and wished me. 2 or 3 of them even dropped me notes via FB messenger. There were several ideas bounced around to meet up but I have a feeling these will come to naught. It's always easy to say or suggest such things but when it's time to make it happen, inertia takes over. 

Happy birthday!

Midnight

00:00:00am

17th October already! 

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me-ee 

Happy birthday to me! 

35 years young and counting. 

My birthday wish is for my family, loved ones and dearest friends around me to always be healthy, happy and blessed. 

And for my two little girls to be healthy, happy, intelligent, strong and filial. 

And for K to get what he wishes for in his career.

And lastly, for me to stay healthy, happy and content always....(and also for me to lose the pregnancy fats and cellulite soon!)

Mushrooms!

Her most grammatically correct sentence thus far, complete with past tense and plural forms. 

"I ate mushrooms for dinner just now." 

Uttered 2 nights ago. :)

She's quite the talker, this little girl. 

Friday morning

It's Friday morning 830am. Starting the day slow and easy.

With a cup of milo and 2 slices of buttered bread in me, I'm sitting down at my balcony colouring...while listening to the world stirring awake. 

The weather is cooler this morning compared to yesterday but I can still feel the heat lurking at the fringes, slowly trying to creep in. I might not be able to sit here for long before it gets hot and humid again. Will enjoy while this lasts...

That special day

8th of October quietly slipped us by. It was our ROM anniversary. It was exactly a week ago, last Thursday. I guess the both of us were tired and preoccupied with the new baby, as well as Little Baby's 2nd birthday, which was on the 9th. 

K and I had our ROM ceremony on the 8th of October 2011, 4 years ago. It was a cosy affair with only 12 people in attendance. Well, 13 if you include the Justice of Peace. I still remember his name, Mr Simon Sim. Only our immediate family members were present. I remember I was very happy that my grandmother was still in relatively ok health and was able to attend the ceremony.  

It was an intimate and cosy lunch. We had wanted it that way. Simple, no frills and no fuss, with only our dearest loved ones witnessing our marriage oaths. 

It was a Peranakan lunch. I remember we scoured Google for a list of Peranakan places in Singapore. We went to several of them to try their food, view the suitability of their premises and of course, to check out their event prices. 

True Blue Cuisine at Armenian Street was our last visit and we fell in love with the place. At the time, I had only been to their original location before and not this one. We eventually booked their private dining room. 

In a flash, 4 years have passed. And now, by God's blessing, we are a family of 4. 

Baby, thank you for being with me and tolerating the temperamental me. Like what you said, there are ups and downs. What is more important is that there are more ups in our journey together. 

手牵手，我们一起走。

Let's create more ups in this journey, together with Little Baby and Peanut. :) 

Muacks!

Horrors!!!

Realised that I can't wear many of my clothes anymore. Even those stuff that I used to wear at home. And worse, my work clothes. 

Mega Bleah. 

And mega FML! 

Does this mean I need a major major major major wardrobe overhaul? 

Wah 没钱了啦!

*wails*

Ok wait....it's only been 3 weeks since Peanut popped from me...

Maybe....

Maybe I should calm down abit and give myself a month (or two?) more before I take stock of the situation again.....

Ohm...

Opps....

A few days ago, I was pumping milk and my T-shirt was hiked up. Little Baby walked in on me and saw me in that state. She understands now what "pumping milk" means. But I didn't expect her to comment on something else.....

N: Mama pump milk.
Me: Yes...
N: Mama never wear T-shirt. Shame Shame. *wags her finger at me*
Me: .....

Tio suan by my 2-yr-old daughter....

Work again

It has started. The wheels have started turning.

The part of my work which was assigned to be covered by The Coll has been re-assigned to LH, the lady who has been eyeing this part of my work for the longest time.

Win liao.

While she can handle the marketing portion of it, I am not that confident of whether she can handle the policy and paper-writing portions of it. Especially when I am not in office.

While I know I probably shouldn't be getting myself worked up and worried over this thing....I can't help but do so. Why? Because I started this particular work item and now it's being handled by someone else. AND....because future matters related to this w=sort of work could very well be taken away from me when I go back to work in Feb next year.

Sigh. Whatever lah.
Just a 打工仔.....:(


Seriously wondering if I can ever have a flexi job or a PT job or a work from home job in the upcoming years.....

Multi-tasking

Is when you are...

holding your 3-week-old baby with one arm,

breastfeeding her,

hugging your 2-yr-old daughter with your other arm,

singing "This Old Man",

and giving instructions to your helper...

...all at the same time.