Food for Thought

真正的感觉是骗不了自己的心。

How true.

There was once when I ignored what I truly felt deep inside. I dismissed my own feelings and my own gut feelings to pursue something which not only did not materialise but which ended up bringing much hurt to me.

I can only hope that I remain true to myself and my own feelings in the years to come.

Snip

During this time of some minor tweaks and changes to my life, I finally found an opportunity to cut my hair. 

Cut, not trim. 

I gave my stylist an instruction of "cut till the shortest length possible such that my hair won't start curling out." 

In the end, 6-7 inches were lopped off. :) 

The me from 5 years ago might have been extremely upset that so much hair was lopped off. I found myself surprisingly calm yesterday lol. 

Voila, this is me now...still not too short lah. But much shorter compared to what I had before the cut. :) 

Yay!

This noob just did her first petrol fill-up for the car tonight. First time in my life. Virgin no more :) 

Lololol. 

Yea I know, I am suaku. 

P/s: short but good drive tonight.

mini-me

In the recent 2-3 weeks, the bedtime ritual for Nadya is this....

We would either read books or play some games. Sometimes she would take to being "Teacher Nana" and "teach" us ballet or some toddler gym exercises. Sometimes, she would request to watch aeroplanes go by. (From my room and my balcony, we can se planes going by every few minutes or so.)

And then I would make her her night-time bottle of milk. While she is drinking, I would turn off her room lights and lay beside her. In the past few days, she's taken to asking for K to be present in the room also. (This is a very good sign by the way...)

We would all lay on the mattress on the floor. This mattress is positioned just below her bed, just in case she somehow rolls or falls off while she is on the bed.

Last night, I lay next to her. She dropped off to sleep pretty quickly and was rather affectionate last night. One of her hands was cupping my face and the other was draped on my shoulder when she nodded off to dreamland.

Her room curtains were open slightly, enough to let in slivers of moonlight and ambient light from the neighbour's houses.

I stared at her face. Her hair. Her nose. Her cheeks. I watched her breathe. I stroked her arms. Held her hands.

I felt how her fingers and toes twitched from time to time. I felt how her hands sometimes reached out to me. I watched her flip over and change positions while still sleeping....

And I thanked God for gifting me this little girl.

My mini-me.

And of course, after determining that she was truly deep asleep, then did I carry her back onto her bed....

Purple

I've started taking my multi-vitamins again. Something I had to stop after I got pregnant and while I was breastfeeding.

Got myself a new pill planner box since my old one was rather worn. 

Something small, something new. Something to accompany me on a daily basis. 

Here's to better health! 

Touché

Yes, I am.

Myriad reasons I think.

Work.
Staff who are more senior in terms of rank (and pay and bonuses) trying to offload some of their stuff to you.
Someone else who is 2 ranks up and getting rather aggressive and assertive these days.
Your new boss bringing your bonus down to half of what you used to get.
Long-drawn project 4 years in the making that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. 

Double-standards.
In work. In personal life.

Kids.
Nadya testing my limits with her hissy fits.
The worry at the back of my mind and the constant hoping that Alyssa is fit and healthy enough to fight off any bugs.

Self.
Not quite in a good place right now.
Nursing a month-long cough. 
Wallowing. Frustrated. Tired.

============
Am hoping some minor tweaks and changes here and there in terms of mindset and lifestyle would do me some good.

Afterall, no one can pick myself up other than I, right? Others can only assist to their best abilities. 
Yeah, let's get out of the doldrums to watch the daisies and dandelions reaching for the sky.

Jiayou. Jiayou. Jiayou.

Sucker for Punishment

Listening to Jacky Cheung and bawling my eyes out in the office this morning.

一路上有你

One of my fav songs from him.

I'm not upset though, just got emo while listening to the song. :D

thoughts..

Family

• the girls and their development and well-being-
• building own family cohesion and foundation

Self

• exercise and getting started
• multivitamins and getting back into better health

Work

Relationships

That Annual Letter

Several months ago, a new boss came by to lead the team. The old boss was retained on contract as an advisor, subject to further notice or till when he is ready to retire or when the higher-ups don't need him anymore.

Yesterday, I received the annual letter given out to staff. The one which informs staff of the amount of corporate bonus, performance bonus, annual salary increment and/or market salary adjustment.

I had already expected a lower than usual performance bonus from previous years.

I just did not expect the performance bonus component to be even lower than what I was expecting.

Am I disappointed?

Yes. It was the lowest in all my 8.5 years of serving the company. In fact, it was almost half of what I usually get.

Why? Several reasons I can think of.

New boss. With a different standard of rating.
I was away on maternity leave for 5 months plus. (Though it is to be noted that during my previous leave of absence in 2013 for the birth of Nadya, my performance wasn't so drastically affected. In fact, I don't think I was penalised at all.)
I was also penalised for a delayed project which incidentally, got delayed not entirely because of me but also due to other external factors. 

So?

FML lor.

When I need the money, circumstances happen such that it doesn't come in as much as past years.

Will this affect the way I work now?

The right response would be: No of course not, I am still a dedicated individual putting in my worth for the company. Truth be told, I am not so sure. But I think my dedication to the company just dropped by half. Could be just a reactionary emotion on my part, I don't know.

Anyway.

Lao niang is not happy with this year's performance bonus.

Anyway.

Lao niang can't do much about it.

Anyway.

Pfffffftttttttttttttttt.

For posterity

Nadya in her ballet outfit.

Cute max. Love max! 

please go away now.....

*cough*
*splutter*
*cough*

Really bad this time.
I don't think I've had it this bad before.

My stomach muscles started to get sore on Sunday morning from the vigorous coughing.

FML....

And I don't wanna pass it to the kids....:(

Went for an xray yesterday to rule out any sinister issues....
Hope the results are ok.....

Conversations with a 31-month-old

This morning after I woke Nadya up.

N: Mama, today I don't have school? *looks expectantly at me*
Me: Darling, you have school today.
N: *immediately starts to whine* I don't want to go to school.....
Me: Go lie down for awhile. I'll make some milk for you.
N: Mama, I have gym today?
N: *thinks further* Mama, I don't have gym today? I don't have gym today.
Me: Yup, I think you don't have gym today.
N: REALLY? *looks upset*

Ok sorry darling, Mama burst your bubble early on Monday morning...

Urgh

It's here again. 

The feeling of slight frustration and feeling a little stifled. The feeling of wanting to spend some time doing my own things. Or developing myself. Or just simply laying down to vege out. 

I know I should be grateful that my daughter adores me and can't let me out of her sight for long. But at times, I really need some breathing space. Some me-time to discharge, to decompress, to destress. 

A whole host of things needing my attention. What groceries and household products to get. What to cook. How to wean. What to wean on. What new clothes to get for the kids. Which areas of the house to focus cleaning efforts on. Nadya's ballet shoes need to be stitched up.

I just discovered this morning that oh darn, the helper has neglected the cleanliness and upkeep of the washing machine. Bits of caked up old soap powder formed a crust along a portion of the drum. The compartments collecting dirt had not been cleaned thoroughly. The washing machine is a very essential item in our home, I can't afford to let it spoil and need to ensure that it is well taken care of. 

The cupboards in the kitchen  need to be emptied and wiped out. The fridge needs to be cleaned too. The freezer compartment too. The shelf in the living room needs a spot of thorough cleaning as well. 

My table. Enough said. It's a mess. 

My hair. Split ends and bushy.

My face. White heads, black heads. Zits. 

I want to spend some time watching TV. 

I want to spend more time Zentangling.

I want to go on the threadmill.

And I'm coughing my lungs out still. I don't know what to do about it. Medication doesn't seem to be working at all. I'm taking codeine every night. Will I turn into a cough syrup junkie? 

My throat is suffering from the hacking cough and my voice is hoarse as well.

Partly pek chek.

Partly contented. 

Partly fed-up.

Partly happy.

Partly unhappy.

Partly listless.  

Sigh. 

Chance meeting

Wow. Nadya 交游广阔.

We went for a quick breakfast this morning at ToastBox at Katong 112. She pointed to a Korean boy and said that was "Kang Hoo".

K and I looked at each other. Yeah we knew there was a Kang Hoo in her school. He was in the same batch of infant care as her but is now in a different nursery class because he is several months older. 

So this boy was there at ToastBox with his parents and grandparents. The last time I saw his mom was a long time ago so I couldn't be sure if it was her or not and if the boy was really Kang Hoo. 

When we were about to leave, Nadya wanted to go greet this boy so we went over and really, it was Kang Hoo! I think we surprised the grandparents and parents quite abit haha. They kept waving and smiling at her. 

And there you go, my daughter, at the age of 2.5 years, had her first chance encounter with a friend. 

So qiao. 

My comfort food

1. Fried beehoon

2. Mee tai bak soup

3. Fried rice

4. Chee cheong fun with soy sauce and sesame oil

5. Ayam buah keluak

6. Macaroni in chicken soup 

7. Cheng ting

Probably because these dishes remind me of the home I grew up in, my grandmother and my mother. 

Singing in my mind

 The following TV jingle that was oh-so-popular when I was a young child....

"I don't wanna grow up. I'm a Toys'r'us kid....."


Yea, I don't wanna grow up.

Latest pieces

Upping the ante and experimenting with pencils and shading now to add more depth to the patterns and drawings...

I have to say...Zentangling is really quite therapeutic. And....YouTube is a great teacher haha.

My photo taking skills aren't exactly great though. :) doesn't do justice to the drawings but oh well....

working mothers

A friend at work just enrolled her 18month-old daughter into childcare. Today is the child's 2nd day there and she was still crying alot.

My friend, who incidentally is also named Michelle, is feeling very frazzled now. She is upset and feels heartbroken seeing her kid crying like that. She had thoughts of pulling her daughter out of the centre as well after seeing her daughter cry like that....

Just spent the last hour trying to give her some moral encouragement. Via Whatsapp lol.
Told her to hang on for these few days...and that her kid will adjust soon...most kids will go through this transition phase at some point too....better now then later I guess...

I remember the time when I felt this way when I left Nadya in infant care. The good thing was that Nadya was too young then to even know what was happening...hence there wasn't alot of crying.

Jiayou to all working mothers...
Jiayou to all mothers who are going through the daily struggle of handing their children over to other caregivers, while wishing they were the ones by their children's sides....

Jiayou to Michelle...

Jiayou to me....

Open Letter

To: The lady at the optical shop, Cindy.

On Saturday afternoon, I was there at the shop where you work at. I was there to collect my contact lenses which I had ordered from you 2 weeks earlier. I had Nadya with me this time. 

We chatted a little about our kids and then you asked a question which was worded more like a comment. "她这样小你舍得让她一个人睡meh?" 

It may seem like a harmless question when reading in plain text but you nuanced it with your body language. 

You had a small sneer on your face. It was a look of disdain, mild contempt and disapproval.

I chose not to answer you since it was uttered at a time when I was already getting ready to leave. I merely said goodbye to you and thanked you for the service provided for my making of contact lenses (the service was actually quite satisfactory I must say).

Look lady, there is an unspoken mother code. I know you are a mother as well. A mother does not bash another mother, nor question another mother's parenting choices in her face. We are all trying our best here and every mother wants the best for her child.

You can judge me behind my back for all I care. That's your prerogative. But leave your judgemental questions in your mind. Don't throw it in my face.

Pfffttttt.

Go Peanut Go!

Mighty glad that Alyssa's fever finally broke on Friday night. 

She lost weight over the past week but her appetite seems to have improved and she has been calling out for milk every 3 hours or so since Saturday morning. Even during the middle of the night. 

Stay strong sweetie...mama loves you!

P/s: that's not a huge smile per se haha but more of a smile that was morphing into a yawn. :) I happened to catch it at the most precise moment haha