It didn't use to be this way

It didn't use to be this way.

I remember when I was younger in primary school. That was more than 20, 25 years ago.
When I flipped the newspaper, I read about robberies, molest cases, car accidents, political issues (which I never bothered to read because I didn't understand), and other petty crimes.

Either those or it was entertainment and lifestyle news.

And for a long time there was also news on the Gulf War.

Fast forward to now.

Every other day there's some news about some idiot blowing himself up and killing or injuring dozens of others in the process. Or there's some radicalised group of militants with some hugely warped interpretation of the Quran waging war on the rest of the world. Or there's some psychopath raining bullets on innocent victims. Or there's someone committing a crime so vicious and heinous that even his parents can't forgive him.

Why?

What is the world coming to?

Even on our own local shores.

Reports of people bullying others. Reports of weirdos excreting publicly. Reports of road rage and people driving wildly on the roads. And that case of the 6-yr-old accused of molesting another classmate. And the rise in anti-government sentiment. The constant rant by certain groups against foreigners in the country.

What is society coming to?

Rather depressing.

It didn't use to be this way.

No. Not at all.

I wish for my daughters to grow up in a world where there is more hope and joy and something to look forward to. Afterall, they were named that way. Nadya means hope and Alyssa means joy.

I pray.

For peace in the world.

For true harmony everywhere.

For peace and harmony and happiness in my own family.

Of ombre shades and everything else in between

I don't understand the latest trend.

Of colouring your hair in ombre shades of green, pink, purple or blue. Or colouring your hair in rainbow blends. Or colouring your hair in undershades of odd agar-agar colours. Or of colouring your hair in an ombre mix of blue and purple, pink and purple, green and blue....or whatever colour mixes and permutation you can think of.

I don't understand it. But I am not vehemently against it either.
You can do whatever the hell you want with your hair. It's yours. Decorate it and dress it up however you want. Stress your scalp and your hair follicles whichever way you desire to.

But hor. Nice meh?

And I am seeing an increasing number of office ladies with such hair. At least in my office area.
Doesn't seem professional to me.

Maybe I am just a prude. :D

I need a break. I need sleep.

I've not had a good night's sleep for close to 3 years.

Since Nadya was born, I wake anywhere between 1 to 3 times a night. Usually it's 1-2 times. On bad nights, especially after Alyssa arrived, it could even be 3-4 times a night. I'm thankful these bad nights are rare and don't happen often.

But still, waking up 1-2 times each night for 3 years is taking a toll on my body.

People in office tell me all the time "You look sleepy" or "You look tired" or "You look like you need rest" or "You look like you need a break"...

I also know...I want a break.
I want to sleep. I want to sleep 7 to 8 hours straight.

During maternity, I could still nap for a good 1-2 hours during the day.

Now at work I make do with being a zombie half the time.

Not good at all. I am unproductive and I can feel my brain cells just giving up on themselves, preferring to go into zombie mode rather than get involved in some intellectual thought processes.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing a half-assed job both at home and at work. Mainly because I'm sleepy and tired half the time in office. And I'm sleepy and tired half the time at home.

Like wtf?

Something's gotta give. But what?
I definitely don't want my health to be at the shorter end of the stick.

It's not helping too that I'm the only one who can settle N back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night. And she wakes every night.....at least once...

I feel myself getting desperate.....very.

Crying wolf?

If you cry wolf too many times, people start getting desensitised to what you say.....

"I walked out on him." was what a colleague from another division said.
When probed further...it turned out that that wasn't what happened but rather, she left the guy in the house after they had an argument. She went out for a breather but eventually returned to the house. Erm...that's not called walking out on him I think....Walking out on someone you're in a relationship with literally means ending the relationship.

This has happened several times with different people.

The first proclamation would be something that sounds very serious. But after finding out abit more, then you will realise that actually it's not as bad as what the person made it out to be.....

I don't know. Is it habit that makes someone speak or engage others in such a manner?

A verbal "click-bait" of sorts?

This induces fatigue in the listener...and eventually the listener becomes desensitised...right?

I hope I don't speak this way too?
Hmm...

Parenting and Self

There are a lot more things I want to do, see, experience. 

Both for the kids and myself. 

How do I find the energy and strength and time to?

Not quite sure. 

Still not sure too what is wrong with my lungs or nose or throat. Is it psychological? Is the chest tightness caused by stress? Maybe I should be using Xanax instead of the inhaler that the doc suggested I use for a month. 

Maybe I need better planning. Maybe I need to just fuck care everything (though with my nature I think I can't do this). Maybe I need to just be a lazy mum. 

Maybe. Maybe. 

Jiayou

Helper down.

No time to whine.

Just do it. 

Medical

Most people hate medical check-ups. Most probably don't step into a hospital for any form of check-up or appointment in many years. 

Hospital checkups and appointments are however a regular thing for me. 

Since I was a child. Every year. 

Doesn't mean I've gotten used to it. Doesn't mean I don't feel xian about it. 

And so. Today's med appointment at SGH. 

Now I have suspected bronchitis or asthma. 

Like wtf? 

And I'm given an inhaler and nasal spray to be used for a month. 

I've got a colourful medical history. I really don't wish to add asthma to it. 

Am I upset?

Yes, I think so. A little upset. 

Then again. 

Maybe I should count my blessings. 

That it is likely not anything more sinister. 

Wizard Mouse!

N was supposed to wear a homemade hat to school today. A homemade hat made from recycled materials to celebrate Eco Day.

K and I put our art and craft skills to some use over last weekend and conjured up a hat for her lol. It's a hybrid mouse-wizard hat haha. Complete with whiskers, ears and a curly tail.

Milestones!

Peanut has been busy clocking milestones recently haha.

On Wednesday 25 May 2016, she started crawling. She moved only a few inches initially. 3 to 4 days later, she was moving alot more and being rather adventurous. She can still only do a tummy crawl though, and not on all fours.

Last night 2 June 2016, she pulled herself up to stand for the first time in her cot.

Way to go Peanut!!


Note to Selves:
Need to watch her more.
Need to clear all small stuff out of the way.
Need to pull up the cot rails already.
Need better baby-proofing!
Need to watch Nadya to make sure she doesn't leave small bits of things lying around.

Upset!! :((

This pair of shoes is only 3 months old...and rather expensive by my standards....

My colleague accidentally stepped on me just now. She was in sky-high wedges.

And.....:((((

Her shoes ripped out 5 whole beads from my right shoe. 

Wah sibei heart pain!!!

Now there's a rather obvious gap where the beads should have been...sigh.....

Of Bad Nights and Better Days

T'was a bad night yesterday.

N woke at 1am and 430am. A woke at 130am, 4am, 5am.

The helper couldn't settle A down when she woke at 5am so I went to take over from her. The little girl was rather grouchy and irritable. She wanted to sleep but somehow was very fidgety.

And throughout the night I was having a headache and a weird tummy, feeling nauseous, and also had an aching right ribcage.

I think it got to a point somewhere during 530am where I felt like crying and giving up.

Yeah, one of those times when you go "WHY??? WHY???? WHY LIKE THIS???"

One of those times when you want to scream FUCK THIS SHIT over and over again.

But anyway.

So now I'm in office.

Still with a headache and a weird tummy and an aching right ribcage.

But with a slightly better disposition.

Onward I trudge.

It will be a good, great, beautiful, lovely day ahead.

Yes it will be.

I'm missing the two girls already....:(

I hope K has a good 2nd day at his new workplace.

Parenting...much to do

We had parent-teacher conferences for both girls yesterday.

Various things need to be done...capturing it here....both for posterity and as a reminder to self on what needs to be done....

ALYSSA

• Once she had settled down into the infant care environment, she was generally a happy baby and easy baby to handle.
• She can express herself readily and usually only cries when she is hungry, sleepy, tired or upset over something. 
• She's also developed pretty quickly over the last week and can now crawl rather quickly on her tummy. She's also started to want to climb and is pretty much an avid explorer.
• To work on: 
• getting her to take her solids (including porridge, and proteins)
• exposing her to more books, music and creative toys.

NADYA

• She's grown more confident and adept in her socio-emotional aspects. 
• Her spoken language and communication skills (pure talking) seems advanced for her age. Her teacher commented that it feels like she is talking to a young adult rather than a roughly 3-year-old child. Nadya also easily voices her thoughts and does not hesitate to convey her feelings to the teacher. 
• She does have several bad habits that she's picked up. Singlish is one, nagging and scolding others is another. She recently likes to wag/point her finger at others, act assertive and badass and say things like "I tell you ah, you better don't do this!" or "Listen to me! Don't touch that thing!". She did this to random kids in a shopping mall, much to my horror and embarrassment.
• She apparently loves her enrichment classes, which are ballet and gym at the moment. 
• She can tell you when she needs to poo but hasn't started telling us when she needs to pee. This is quite the opposite from most kids, according to her teacher.  
• She knows the sound a letter makes and can recognise the character the letter is associated with, but sometimes cannot identify what that letter itself is. Eg. if you show her "G", she knows it stands for "Golden Girl" and makes the sound "guh" but sometimes can't tell you that it is the letter "G". (The school uses the Letterland concept to teach the kids.)
• To work on:
• toilet-training her (we're halfway through on this...jiayou!)
• preparing her for the transition to using a cup for her afternoon milk when September comes
• preparing her to brush her teeth in school when September comes
• numeracy
• recognition of alphabets 
• correcting her use of Singlish
• correcting her impolite ways of "nagging/scolding" people 
• exposing her to more Mandarin
• building up her social interaction skills 

Hmm...seems alot...
How to tackle these issues...can't be done one at a time...some need to be managed concurrently....

Thoughts......

Sunshine Baby

Alyssa seems to be less vocal compared to Nadya at the same age. But we all agree that she is generally a cheerier baby. Quick with her smiles and generally calm. 

After waking up from a 2hr nap. Super happy!

After waking from another nap.

While playing peekaboo with me in the car.

Cheekily chewing up Nadya's books when she wasn't around. Lol. Nadya would go berserk if she actually saw Alyssa gnawing on her stuff. 

For posterity

Me and the 2 girls before heading out to a manyue celebration. 

One of the few times I made them sit together to take a picture haha. This protective mama was afraid that Alyssa would topple over or that Nadya would use too much strength to hold Alyssa. 

Love this picture of the 2 of them together on a toy called Mr Zebra. 

Conversations with a 32-month old

Last Sat morning. Breakfast at Parkway Parade's foodcourt. 

N: I want to follow Dada to buy food.

K: ok follow me.

N: But I want to hold the money ah. I hold the money. 

Lol. She's got her priorities all sorted out eh?

==========

One night while going to sleep. 

Me: Good night Dada. Good night Nana. I love you Dada. I love you Nana. 

N: I love you Mama. I love you Dada. I love you me. 

Lol. Self-love starts from young....and yes darling, it is important that you love yourself...:)
Wise little girl...

*cries*

There are times when I don't understand why I'm the only who wakes when Alyssa cries or wakes in her sleep. 

And I'm the one who is on 2 types of drowsy medication. 

The one having the baby monitor (the helper) can't wake and the one sleeping next to me sleeps like a log. 

Sigh. 

Mega sigh. 

Of fights and love...oh well, parenting...

I was tired and a little breathless last night.

I lost my temper at Nadya. Who was fighting with me about not wearing diapers to bed.
She didn't want to. We wanted her to. Yes, I know, it was probably a good opportunity to train her to ditch the diapers but I'm not ready to do night-time pee training yet...I can't handle it now when I am also not in the best of health.

I've not raised my voice at her to that level for a long time. It was natural that she immediately burst out crying.

Spent some time settling her down before she finally dropped off to sleep.

As she lay sleeping, I smothered her face with kisses.

Apologetic kisses. Loving kisses. Mummy kisses.

And I whispered to her "Mama loves you very much." a couple of times.

This morning she was ok but a little cranky.
I forgot to give her a hug before she went to school...:(

Cough...Cough...Cough

One knows one's body best.

I've not felt right about my cough since a week plus ago. It's been around way too long for my liking. Almost 1.5months. At times it showed signs of abating, only to resurrect itself with a vengeance.

For the past week I've had shortness of breath and some tightness in the chest.
My right ribcage, below the breastbone, has been aching like F as well. I can't even hold my handbag properly and I can't pull open the main door of my house without wincing.

I had wanted to see the doctor again several days back. K convinced me otherwise. He said it was probably due to my lack of proper rest and stress.

I finally decided that I had better see the doc again. I went yesterday morning. That was my 5th visit.
I was exasperated and the doctor could see that as well. He finally conceded that there may be something else wrong with me and that I might not be having just the regular cough and cold.

He suggested for me to go see a respiratory specialist. My main airways might be inflammed by now and that is why the regular cough and cold medications won't work on me.  Those medications work on common upper respiratory tract infections like the common cough and cold. Once the main airways are inflammed...something else needs to be done. Like what? I have no idea.

I trudged down to Bedok Polyclinic immediately to get an appointment with SGH. Took me 2-3 hours and lots of waiting just to settle that. But at least I've got the appointment already. Next Friday though. I have to tahan for another week.

The polyclinic doctor also said the same thing and prescribed me steroids to control the possible inflammation and clear my airways abit so that I can breathe easier.

So now I am on steroids. For at least the next 5 days.
I have 2 days MC and will be going back to work tomorrow, i.e. Friday. I hope I can tahan tomorrow and next week's working days before my appointment with the specialist arrives. 

Fingers crossed. Praying that I will be ok...
Ganbatte.

Jiayou everyone

家家有本难念的经。
Every household has its own issues.

Every person is fighting a battle that others can't see.

A friend just fought with her husband and left their matrimonial home. 
A pair of good friends, husband and wife, have been trying for a child for 7 years and are now pinning their hopes on IVF. But they still need to be in the queue for it and IVF is sometimes not a one-hit-and-success-comes kind of thing.
3 friends got divorced within the last 2 years. One's moved on quite well. One's grappling with it still. And the last one's just trying to wing it as a single mother in a foreign land. \

Battles, big and small.

But, at the end of the day, we still put on a smile and life goes on.
Whether that smile is a real one or a mask is another matter....We have to keep moving, yes? Movement keeps us sane and maybe it makes us more tired too so we have less energy to think about the negative stuff.

I'm sorry, such morose stuff right at the start of the day.

I've been tired and a little emotionally raw.

Ganbatte to everybody.
To my parents.
To K.
To the 2 girls.
And to myself.

Friday night drive

We did a late night grocery run on Friday night after both kids were asleep. I'm glad we're near the 24-hr NTUC at Bedok Central. 

I drove ourselves back home. And I was rather proud and happy that it was a smooth drive home. 

I thought I did good. 

Until I parked the car and realised that....

I didn't turn on the headlights while driving.

Bah.

So that entire 10-15mins drive was totally with my headlights on. 

Damn dangerous lah....I need to remind myself to turn it on....

Maybe car manufacturers should consider making cars that can be programmed into having the headlights automatically turning themselves on at a certain time lol....