Not quite sure what to do

It's been a challenging past 2 nights with alot of fussing, crying and kicking from Nadya.
She is having a runny nose. And a sick child is a sibei cranky child.

Last night, she did a thorough job of testing my patience. She woke every hour between 930pm to 1230am and fusse, cried and kicked each time.

I clenched my fists tight at one point. My nails dug deep into my palms and left semi-circle marks on my palms. I did that, to remind myself not to blow my top. And to still speak in measured tones to her. I lost it once or twice though and raised my voice but I think I generally did ok. 

I hope my blood pressure stays normal.

===============
I smile less easily these days at home. Partly because Nadya drains my energy and emotions and is constantly keeping me on edge with her requests and demands.

I realised I was a pretty happy lark yesterday when she was not around.

The helper was on her off day and when that happens, Nadya usually goes over to the inlaws' and Alyssa stays at home with us.

I realised I was so much more relaxed and happy and chirpy. I didn't realise it at first, till K said I was chirpy and singing songs. 

Sigh. Oh well.

Peanut Turns One!

Time has really flown by over the last 12 months. It sounds long on paper and written words. 12 months...365 days....But in reality, it just zipped by in a jiffy.

On 24 September, our littlest girl Alyssa turned one!


***
Sweetie,

All I want to say is how much Dada and Mama love you. Jiejie loves you too though she bullies you half the time...My wish is for you to grow up healthy, happy, strong and intelligent. With an emphatic, filial, warm and loving heart.

Stay cheerful always and be generous with your smiles. :) You're about to take your solo first steps soon I think. We're all anticipating it! Keep growing well. Though we sometimes wish you'd slow down a little so we can smell and hug your babyness for a longer time...

Lastly, I hope you and jiejie will grow up being as close as 2 peas in a pod. Take care and look out for each other ok. Have each other's back.

With lotsa love and kisses,
Mama

***

We had a joint birthday celebration for the 2 girls since Nadya's one is on 9th Oct. 

 

It was a pity we didn't get a good family shot. Nadya was moody and didn't want to take photos. And Alyssa was squirming around in K's arms haha. 

Ugh

We'd have a better 1, 2 or 3 nights. I'd start having hopes of it being a permanent "better nights" situation and then BHAM. There'd be a horrible night. 

It's like as if I'm being taunted. And tested for patience. 

Tonight is such a night. The man is out for his friends bachelor party. It is 3am and he is still not back. I don't recall anymore when was the last time I went out with friends at night alone with no kids, if ever. 

Sibei pekchek seems to be an understatement right now. 

N took milk twice before fell asleep at 950pm. She's been falling asleep later than usual these past few days. 

She woke again at 11pm, screaming and kicking. She'd fuss louder if I touched her so I just let her bawl to her heart's content. When she was done she asked for milk again. She went back to sleep after that. 

And then there was a repeat episode at 12am. Except that it was fresh milk in a cup this time and not formula milk in a bottle. 

2am came and she woke again. And asked for milk AGAIN. I have it to her, a diluted version but she still can't get back to sleep. 

It's been an hour. She's either whimpering and fussing in bed, or she's asking for milk again, which I'm refusing to give. 

And she insists I sit down next to her, not lie down. 

FML.

F.

F.

F. 

One of those times when I mutter "fuck this shit" under my breath 5,698 times a minute. 

Jason!

I got re-acquainted with Jason Mraz today.

He accompanied me for some time during work....when I was trying to clear my mind and write a paper I'd been struggling with over the last 2 days.

I'd lost touch with him for awhile and forgotten how mesmerising his voice, how talented he is....and just how lovely and meaningful his songs are.

Some of the songs did bring back memories..both good and bad...
I was reminded of some of my lowest points in life...but in balance, I was also reminded of some of the highest points in my life....

If only he were able to give me a private concert haha....

今天会更好!!

Brand new day,
Brand new hope,
Brand new wishes,
Brand new fulfilment.

Might not make sense to others...but this little ditty has been with me since my days of anxiety during JC.

It has since been a reminder to me not to let things get me down too much...and to remember to breathe haha.

So yeah, after a "wild" night yesterday....

今天会更好!!

Jiayou

It's 130am. I've not slept yet. Well I've tried to since 1030pm, to no avail.

No, I don't have insomnia. I'm bushed and would probably fall asleep within 10minutes of laying down.

As luck would have it, tonight was to be a challenging one. 

N fell asleep sometime around 945pm or close to 10pm. She woke at 1050pm and immediately launched a mega hissy fit. Kicking, screaming, you name it. She was not in a diaper as she'd insisted on not wearing one before she went to bed. 

In the midst of her tantrum, I asked her if she needed to pee. She declined vehemently. And then a few minutes later, as if on cue, she peed on herself and wet the bed a little. I caught her in the middle of it and lifted her off the bed so a majority of the pee was on the floor instead. 

Mega hissy fit continued all the way while I peeled off her panties and trousers, washed her and dried her off. Continued for a good hour or so till she fell asleep again at 1155pm. Without diapers still. 

A then woke at 12am. Huge amount of crying because she was having a bad diaper rash. She probably peed and woke because her bum was smarting from the discomfort. Helper changed her diaper while I tried to distract and comfort her. Both of us took turns carrying and pacifying her and then she spit up some milk. 

Cleaned her and the bed up abit and she was just so irritable and kept crying.  We were still trying our best to calm her down and then.........she poo-ed. 

Bah.

It was just liquid that she poo-ed. I think she's having a bad tummy. The poor girl screamed a lot while we changed her diaper a second time. It took another 30-40mins before she could settle down and drink some milk. 

I went back to my room thinking I could finally fall asleep. 

And then N woke again at 1255am. It was a repeat episode. Threw a tantrum again. I asked her if she wanted to pee. She didn't respond but continued screaming and thrashing about in bed. And then I saw it again, slivers of moonlight bouncing off the bed. How can that happen unless there's liquid on the bedsheet???

Fuck.

I quickly lifted her off the bed again and put her on the floor. She started thrashing about on the floor. So yes, there was pee on the bed, on the floor, on her and probably on me. 

Washed her off and begged her to wear a diaper. Maybe she could sense I was kinda desperate at the situation and she finally agreed to. 

I hope the rest of the night is better.

Signing out. 

长大了

Peanut is almost a year old...in fact, in just a week's time she'll be a year old. 

She "walked" a lot this evening. She held onto a stool and did laps in our living room lol. Went from one end to the other for a long time. Easily 20 minutes or more I think. 

She can get up and stand for 2-3 seconds without holding on to anything already. And all these developments happened in just the last few days only. 

Maybe she'll take her first unassisted steps soon. 

My littlest baby is growing up so fast...*sobs* 

For posterity

Some memorable pics from the HK trip...really love some of these...:)

Alyssa being cheeky and gamely posing for the camera. At the SQ lounge before boarding the flight to HK.

Breakfast at the Disneyland Hotel.

Cloudy skies

Ok I'll admit that part of her chor-lor-ness comes from me.....

It was a cloudy and rainy morning...we had to run here and there to hide from the rain, which started and stopped at its whim and fancy. We gave up after 2 hours and went back to the hotel.

During breakfast!

Peekaboo! In the hotel room. 

Fooling around during breakfast, with a smiley face sticker on her nose.

What to do in hotel rooms? Bubble bath!!

The Sleeping Beauty castle in good sunny weather. 

At the seaside just outside the hotel grounds.

That's the Disneyland pier just outside the hotel. 

When she heard and saw that Minnie Mouse was in the restaurant. 

Planting a kiss on Mickey when he wasn't noticing lol....

In the hotel.

View from our balcony. Gorgeous on a bright, sunny day. 

And we survived. :)

A trip to HK's Disneyland with both kids in tow...and a helper too.

The girls did well during the flights there and back. That was my biggest concern actually but they did good. Although there was more fussing from them on the flight back to SG, it was still relatively manageable.

I'm glad Nadya got to meet her idols Elsa and Anna from Frozen. We had queued up for about 20-30mins just to have a picture taken with them. But she chickened out at the last moment and burrowed her head in my chest and refused to take a picture. We took a picture anyway. With me grinning and Elsa and Anna smiling widely, and with Nadya in my arms with her head in my chest lol.

I'm glad she got to meet her fav character too! Minnie Mouse! She was in a good mood by then and could even hug and kiss Minnie Mouse. She also took pictures with Mickey Mouse and the chipmunks, Chip and Dale. She saw Pluto and goofy as well but did not get to take pictures with them.

I think Alyssa sort of enjoyed herself too? Hahaha...she's probably too young to understand things now...but we can show her all the photographs next time. She cowered when Mickey Mouse tried to kiss her hahah.Oh yes, but she had her first taste of food that was not prepared at home. She slurped up a bowl of pork porridge flavoured with dried oysters on one morning and another small bowl of fish porridge on another morning. :)

She's growing up fast...slow down little one...mama and dada still want to smell your babyness....

While I didn't get to shop or eat my fav mango jelly dessert from Xu Liu Shan...
While I didn't get to walk the streets of Tsim Tsa Tsui or the streets of Nu Ren Jie...
While I didn't get to munch on lots of dimsum...
While we didn't venture out of Lantau island to the city area....
While my arms and back ached from carrying Nadya too much...

I think...

This has got to be one of the best trips I've had to HK...:)

I told K the day we got back to SG that I might not be ready for another trip yet...

I'm having second thoughts...maybe....I could do another trip...yes, with the girls...

Hmm...mm.....early next year?

Eema

Eema is doing ok so far. Her op lasted almost 4 hours and her head was shaved. She still has a tube in her skull to drain out any other excess blood and is still in ICU. If she is stable, by this evening she would be moved out of ICU into the high-dependency ward instead.

Thank you God, for keeping her safe during the op....

I hope my mum gets enough rest too. She's been running around because of Eema's situation.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change, 

the courage to change the things that I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Why do not-so-good things happen to good people?

My maternal Aunt is a devout Buddhist with a pure and simple heart. All she's ever done in her life is to work hard, pray, be selfless and care for others around her, including her friends and family.

She's a great cook, honed from when she was young and had to cook for the entire family. She was the eldest daughter and back in those days, the eldest daughter in a Cantonese family undertook most of the responsibilities of helping to look after the household. She was also a cook at a chye-png stall for many years. And at festive occasions like CNY, she would camp out at my uncle's house. Together some some other aunts, she would whip up an amazing meal for the rest of the family....


4 years ago, she had a stroke. We were lucky, it was not a very serious one. But even so, it took her a good 6 months before she became better. At the behest of her siblings and my mum, she retired and was no longer a workhorse. She became weaker after that incident but still kept up with her prayers and trips to the temple...and she was still whipping up lovely dishes at big family gatherings...

She's been having a bad swollen right leg for the past 1 week plus. She can't walk properly. 

I just received news this morning that my mum and another 2 aunts brought her to A&E yesterday. Through various tests, it was discovered that she had bleeding the the area between the skull and the brain. It was happening on the left side of her head which was why her right leg was badly affected and swollen due to pressure building up in the head....

The situation looks serious and she's been scheduled for an emergency operation this morning to remove blood clots and stem the blood flow.

Sigh.

It is scheduled as a pinhole procedure for now as they don't want to stress her body too much. She's 78 this year. But if the clots can't be fully removed through this procedure....they would have no choice but to do a full surgery and cut her up for better access to the affected area.

Fingers crossed that the op will go smoothly....

She's an aunt I hold close to my heart.

And I hope God watches over her.

Let the black pen dance

Recent pieces over the last 1.5 months.

Each piece is about A5 in size. 

I like the last one. It's actually made up of many many different triangles to get this "pointy sea-shell" shaped pattern. 

没这个天分。。。没这个天赋

I think....I'm an artist wannabe.

I'd like to think I can draw a little. But truth be told, I can't really do so....

Without Youtube tutorials, without Google Images, I won't have enough creative juices to come up with good enough mandala pieces or doodle designs or Zentangle designs.

:(

Even after several months of looking at some of these tutorials and designs, and various trials and errors, I still struggle to come up with something unique or passable.

:(

Guess I'll just....

Try again...

At the most, I'll keep watching and looking at other designs online....

Big sigh

I've asked myself this question many times over the last few months. 

Just what the fuck is happening?

The girls...are making me worried sick. (Yes, I'm both literally and figuratively sick by the way.) 

Alyssa with her ENT issues...

And now Nadya. 

She went from several months in the clear, to being down for the past 1.5months. She had fever and runny nose and cough. Went to the PD twice and had to be on antibiotics before she recovered. 

And then almost immediately after she recovered, she got hit by a tummy bug and had a very bad bout of diarrhoea. Her peak was 15/16 times to the toilet a day. Was put on a short course of antibiotics again. 

And after the recovered she suddenly developed a cough. She probably got it from me, who got it from Alyssa. And while we have been self-medicating her, she seemed to be doing ok till today when she started coughing more. 

Just this evening she developed a fever. 

Sigh. 

Please God...

Please bless and protect my girls and let them recover fully from whatever ailments they have. 

And please let them grow stronger and healthier in time to come....

And please let my cough go away too.im starting to get breathless again...I don't want to keep using a steroid puff to keep my lungs clear....:( 

I should just get my brother's pastor to come in and bless the house or something. Or read some scriptures to chase away whatever bad iffy stuff there might be...

Planning for.....

1. Our upcoming trip to HK Disneyland (this one might be...a logistical nightmare I think haha)
2. The girls' joint birthday party with our families
3. Nadya's birthday party with her classmates 
4. Potential food to order for the potluck session with 2 of our immediate neighbours

One big win

One big challenge has been overcome recently. Amidst all the demoralizing ailments and maladies suffered by the girls, we managed to get Nadya to quit her pacifier. 

We had tried to get her to quit it several times in the past but failed miserably. She was addicted to it. 

And in the past month or so, it had gotten to a state where the pacifier looked like a rat had chewed it up. There was a ragged hole in it. She still insisted on using it. I was getting paranoid that she would end up eating silicone because of the hole that seemed to be getting bigger each passing day.

After several nights of nagging and prepping her that we had to throw it away, I finally got her to do the deed herself. 

And she was a brave one. She took it and threw it into the bin herself. Quite resolutely I must say. 

Sure, she asked for it from time to time over the next couple of days but it was generally manageable. I'd remind her that she had thrown it away herself. She would be silent and brooding for several moments and then give a sigh of resignation. 

So there you have it, one hurdle crossed and out of our minds. :) 

For posterity : 

Mid-August 2016. Nadya threw her pacifier away!!

Yay!

Hang in there....

One after the other. 

From not falling sick in several months, to being sick for more than a month with various ailments. Cough, fever and cold to diarrhoea to now cough and cold again. That's Nadya.

And Alyssa...with her allergic rhinitis and perpetual runny nose and resulting cough...

I think we've been to the PD and/or specialist clinics more than 20 times this year so far. 

And it's only August. 

Jiayou to the girls.

Jiayou to us.

Dear god, please heal and bless my family and keep them well. 

"Washing face"

The floodgates open more easily these days.

I involuntarily cried when a colleague asked me how I was yesterday morning. Ruined my eye make-up abit...-_-

And I involuntarily cried again this morning when I was at my desk having breakfast.

Bah.

Questions. Thoughts. Worries.

The thought has always been at the back of my mind. To either take a 1, 2, or even 3-year break from work; or work on a part-time basis.

Alyssa is sick again and the thought has thus resurfaced again. I have half a mind to take her out of infant care, if it would help her gain some semblance of a healthy, happy childhood. I do not wish for her memories to be filled with images of being fed medicine all the time or of coughing and having a leaky nose all the time.

6 months on, after returning to work from my maternity leave, I still don't seem to be handling this working mother shit thing very well.

My brother texted me this morning and surprised me. He asked me to consider taking a few years break from work till the girls are older and more stable. He can attest to this I suppose. My sister-in-law stopped working to fully concentrate on my nephew, from when he was 6 months old. He is 13 this year.

Questions. Thoughts. Worries.