Sigh

Been mansplained and slighted a fair bit on several occasions this week. 

Nevermind. 

Jiayou. 

Carry on. 

Keep walking Keep going

At times I wonder how long more do I have to continue coping with the unsavoury thoughts in my head. The daily managing that needs to be done. And at times, on and off through the day...

Then I catch myself and remind myself not to ask that because....it is not something I can undo anymore....they are here, the condition is here and won't go away magically. 

I just have to manage it...manage things...manage myself....and learn and unlearn some things if needed...and keep going...

Yeah...

Keep going..

一步一步往前走

继续走

Heart is full

Was on leave Wed to Fri last week. Had a fulfilling time during those days and over the weekend. 

Wednesday  & Thursday
Mostly spent prepping Nadya for her ballet solo competitions. Her first time and she was not so steady during her 1st performance on Wed. But it was a start and she was so much better and stable on Thursday! Prooud of her for having done this..All the hours of practice at her dance school. While she didn't place, I think it was still a good exposure for her. And it definitely opened up K's and my eyes to how hardcore (and possible regimental) some of the other ballet schools actually are. 

Friday
I fulfilled one of my longtime wishes - to bring both girls out on my own and have a meal with my parents. Simple wish but it somehow took a long time to fulfil...whether it was time or scheduling conflicts or my inertia or my anxiety. But I did it! Finally! On 3 June 2022! It was a simple 2hours or so but it made my heart so full...:) Very very happy to have the girls spend time with my parents one on one. 

Saturday
Had dinner with Adrian's family, my parents and our own family at Pasir Ris Park! First time ever. Was very happy with it and happy that I suggested it too...Some logistical hiccups and delays here and there but oh well...we made it in the end! Food was good, company was great. Heart and tummy are full...:) 

Sunday
Simple day filled with usual routines. Glad we managed to squeeze in a game or two of Cluedo with Alyssa. Also glad we got Nadya's eyes checked out and her glasses made. Am a little worried for her as her myopia seems high. I really hope she doesn't take after me in this aspect...When she starts wearing her glasses, I think she's gonna look a whole lot more like me lol...And glad that I finally got the courage to get my eyes tested as well. It usually brings me alot of stress and I hate to admit but...I've not gotten my degree checked for 12 years. It increased a little but I'm pretty ok with it. Still thankful it didn't increase alot. 

24 May 2022

Typing in points. Going into too much details will make me anxious.  

Woke on 24 May and was ok. But shot while later had odd ring of light in left eye. Was supposed to go work but decided not to. Called K and asked him to send me to A&E. He was out sending the kids to school. 

A&E. Eye doc saw me and said there was an area of weakness in the retina. Needed to go for laser procedure. Went to eye clinic, did the procedure. Fainted immediately after the procedure. Within less than 10mins. 

I knew it was coming. Told K "Baby, I cannot already, I cannot already."

BP was low. bottom reading went down to 45 or so according to the nurse. Blacked out for 30secs or so according to K. Fucking scary. When I came to, I couldn't open my eyes but knew that I was clutching K's Tshirt very tightly. Left fist was in a ball and I remember moaning. Heard his voice comforting me. Was very thankful he was around. 

BP 78/57. Lay me on trolley bed and was monitored till BP went back to 110/70. Vasovagal attack.

EXACT same thing happened 3 years ago when I did the same laser procedure for right eye. Nabeh.

====================

Am ok now. Next eye follow-up is 9 June. 

But anxiety levels have increased alot. Trying my best to self-manage. 

Certain things remind of the incident, like flashes of light. Woke on one or 2 nights with snippets of the incident appearing in my mind. 

Trying my best not to think or dwell too much. 

Move on Michelle. You are ok. Don't dwell.

You can do it Michelle!!

Yes I can!!

Ganbatte!!!!!

Reminder to Self

It is not what people do that hurt us. 

It is our reaction to what they do (or don't do) that hurts us. 

Breathe. 

And don't waste time on unnecessary matters. 

Focus on what is more important and what means more to you. 

Office.

Heading back to office. Pros and cons.  

It forces me out of the house and out of my comfort zone. I have to re-navigate taking the bus, walking to office, walking home, heading to lunch, etc. It also takes up alot of mental energy on my end. Sounds of the morning traffic overwhelmed me a little this morning. Too much "audio", too loud, too noisy, too many things happening in my line of vision and even my peripheral vision.

I get to enjoy the aircon. But I miss my bed, and miss being able to sit like a kan chia poh. 

I actually get more things done at home than when I am in the office. More distractions in the office + time wasted on the commute + time taken to prep for work = less time for actual work. I don't get to decompress much if I take the bus home because I am trying to manage myself. 

On the whole, going back to office is still more of a nay for me. Though I know I need to accept it.
I hope I find a balance. Soon.  

Of a wedding and awkward first meetings

Attended QM's wedding yesterday. She's a cousin I've only seen twice in my entire life. 

And at the same wedding, I was introduced to another 4 cousins whom I've never ever met. Imagine suddenly meeting a 52 year old, a 44 year old, and another 2 twenty-somethings. 

Due to family dynamics, estranged relationships and possible misunderstandings over decades, we never ever got to meet. 

It was strange, awkward and a little uncomfortable to me. Yet, a little intriguing too. That I finally got to physically see and meet that part of the family tree on my mother's side. 

Ear worm....

Late to the game but...this is my latest earworm. 

Secret Love Song, by Little Mix and featuring Jason Derulo

Released in 2015.

Didn't think much of it when I first heard it on the radio a couple of weeks back. 

But I heard it the 2nd time today on the radio again and....now it's in my head...:) 

Amusing conversation

Was at SGH for a medical appointment this morning. Walked past a lift lobby which leads up to some wards. A guard/staff stopped a lady from going past the gantry to the lifts and asked if she was doing vising....

Lady: Ya, visiting my mother. 

Guard: 1 only?

Lady: Huh? Ya lah, 1 mother only lah!

Guard: No no, I mean. Only you 1 visitor? We don't allow more than 1 visitor per patient. 

LOL...the lady's response was said with a straight (and slightly annoyed) face. It was hilarious to me though...:D :D :D  

The guard was a 20-something guy who looked a little flustered. 

*SHY SHY*

No matter how many times I've gone through a pap smear test or a follow-up with my gynae, I still feel somewhat embarrassed by it. 

Anyway, over and done with for this year's appointment lol. 1.5years or 2 years later will be the next one. 

Reminder to Self

Don't beat yourself up too badly for mistakes you made. 

Don't dwell on them either. 

Learn. Learn again. Move on. 

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep moving. 

Don't give yourself too much stress either. 

Sometimes you need to let go to go further, or let go to go higher.

On days when you feel you fall short of everything. Remember, you are enough.

周董 did me in

Went for a walk just now. Was feeling slightly frustrated and in a rut, and hoped the walk would chase the feeling away.

I was doing good. 

Till a cyclist went past me. His radio was blasting Jay Chou's 一路向北....His songs always touch me and then I started tearing..

Bah...for quite awhile after that I was alternating between tearing and getting a grip and having more Jay Chou songs pop into my head, which made me even more emo. 

Kept walking.

Forced myself to stop thinking about Jay Chou's songs.

Kept up with the self-talk as well. 

Was muttering "I am brave and strong. I can do it. Yeah!" for a long time. 

If someone else was observing me all the way, that person might have thought I was a nutcase. But fuck it. Who cares?! Laoniang needed the self-talk. Laoniang needed the space and zone. 

想对自己说

最近几天精神状态不太好

想提醒自己，要多包容自己，也对自己宽容些

做错就学，再错再学，不断的努力，不断地磨练

如果觉得跟想象中的自己有所差别有所落差

就再学再拼再努力

成为更好的自己

但也不需要太着急， 不需要给自己太多压力，太多压迫感

就跟着自己的节奏走

走三步退两步也算是往前走了一步

始终还是可以到达目的地

你可以的

加油！

"Popular"

Feel so "popular" recently...lol

"MOH" calls me..."MOM" calls me..."DBS" calls me....

"Singpost" and "DHL" call me too....

"Fedex" doesn't like me anymore though, I don't hear from them anymore.

BUT....my mum lagi best...."High Court of Singapore" called her the other day hahaha...

Sleuth

I'm silently fuming right now. 

It's been a few weeks since I first discovered that a pair of tweezers I kept in a pouch in a cupboard in my toilet seemed to have grown legs and was shifting around a little within the pouch. I wasn't using it at all and was also uncertain if it had really been used by someone else or had merely shifted positions due to items within the pouch having settled down over time. 

Week 1: I put the tweezers under some other items. Couple of days later, it seemed to have shifted again. 

Week 2: This time round, I put the tweezers right at the bottom of the pouch. With everything else in the pouch placed on top of it. No shifting and I left it there at the bottom of the pouch. 

Week 3: Came home from lunch today. When I checked the pouch, the pair of tweezers was in a semi-standing position at the top of the pouch. 

I asked K if he used it, though in my heart I knew he couldn't have used it. But well, I needed to check and confirm it, and cannot work based on assumptions. He didn't use it. It couldn't have been the kids. They were not allowed to open the cupboard when I wasn't around. I didn't use it. 

Means the helper must have used it. 

She happened to come into my room a few minutes after I reached my conclusion. I asked her: "What are you using the tweezers in my cupboard for?" 

Having known her for several years, I know her first reaction would be to act blur, and deny anything and everything if I asked her this question instead: "Did you use my tweezers?"

Decided to ask her directly what she was using the tweezers for. She denied it at first with a "har?" But in the split second thereafter, she must have decided that it would be better to come clean. She gave a small laugh and said she used it to trim her brows. 

Told her if she wanted to borrow anything to use, she would need to ask first. She said ok. I would have left it at that. But she went to add that she'd only used it one time, which was yesterday. 

Nabeh angry. Got caught and now trying to justify by saying it was only once? It was not only one time for sure. I told her I know it's been going on for awhile. She gave me a quirked brow and said ok, as if to say "ok lor, if you don't believe me." 

Told her I expect honesty from her. She said ok. 

Dulan. 

This incident may have been just about a small pair of tweezers. An inconsequential item. But it's the "deceit" and the "going around stealthily behind closed doors" that is getting to me. 

Wonder what other things she has done behind our backs? 

I hope this incident stops any further 小动作 from her. 

Am I too soft and lenient? 

Conversations with the 6yr-old

I was ordering a Hello Kitty correction tape for Nadya a few days ago when Alyssa said she wanted one too, just not with a Hello Kitty design. 

I found some with Mickey and Minnie designs and showed them to her. 

A: No, these are too kiddy for me. Frozen and all those princess stuff are too kiddy too. Sumikko Gurashi or Gudetama are ok. 

Lol....so Jap cartoon characters are not kiddy....but Elsa, Anna, Mickey, Minnie and all those "princesses" are kiddy...

Rant

Let me do my job and ask what I need to know. Else how am I going to settle things. 

Nabeh, keep cutting me off for what? Let me finish my sentences can??????

Bloody testosterones. I hope you're not trying to establish any "unspoken" authority on me. 

I'm just doing my small part here to have operational flow of things as smooth as possible. I may be totally new to this part of the business but I'm contributing ok. 

Dream.

Slept at 1130 after settling some work stuff. 

Woke at 430am to pee. And couldn't get back to sleep thereafter for a long while I think. 

I remember thinking about work stuff. And then I remember I had a dream (must have fallen asleep at some point). 

It was one of those dreams with the same recurring theme. 

I was in a school or going to school for a lecture. I remember having foolscap paper in my bag and I was in a uniform. A JC uniform. Though the school felt like it was a university campus. And as usual, I couldn't find my classroom or lecture hall. There were others around me but they seemed to be "greyed out" in the dream. Just moving shapes that's all I think. 

I remember falling into a fishpond in my quest to find my lecture hall too. Not sure how that happened though or how the dream ended.

Laoniang is tired and sleepy. Hope I stay focused enough for my 2-330pm and 330-430 meetings....

Mornings

Been a long habit of mine to watch from my bedroom window as K drives the 2 girls off to school. At least since 2 years back when the work-from-home arrangement first started. And it's been a recent habit to linger longer at the window after they've driven off, just to stare at the surroundings as dawn breaks, the sun rises and clouds drift. 

Rather picturesque and pretty calming too. 

To see all the various colours unfold, meld and blend together.

Blacks, greys and blues slowly get broken up by bits of pinks and lilacs and purples. And then oranges and yellows come into the picture there after.

And I think, air traffic has increased significantly. Before the pandemic, I see planes flying past every couple of minutes. Then it decreased to me seeing none at all, except for the rare occasion. These few days I've noticed alot more planes in the mornings, sometimes at frequencies of one every 5-10mins. 

Work Meeting

1 March 2022 (Tues) 4pm to 630pm.

Testosterone-filled meeting. 10 men and 2 ladies (me being one of the 2). 5 out of the 10 guys were of higher designations. Another 2 or 3 of same rank. 

Project is of a very urgent nature. But in an area I know nuts about and had to spend the last few days trying to wrap my head around things. 

Needless to say. 

In the entire 2.5hrs meeting. I was endlessly taking notes for myself. 

And I only uttered 3 words. 

Ok - somewhere in the first 1/4 of the meeting. 

Thanks. Bye. - When the meeting concluded and we were all getting off the call. 

2nd meeting will take place on 3 Mar at 4pm again. :)

Hope I'm more familiar and no information overload by then. :)