说不出

说不出的累

说不出的无奈

说不出的烦

说不出的纳闷

说不出的心思

The Father

Dad has been looking haggard of late. Well, at least the last 3weeks or so. His eyes seem more sunken. His eyebags are more prominent. His dark eye circles are even darker than usual. And his eyes seem a little lackluster. 

But his spirit's still the same. Old man with a cheery and cheeky disposition, loud voice and hearty laughter. 

I hope he is okay. I've brought this to the attention of both my mum and brother. Another 2 pair of eyes to monitor my observations of him. 

73 years old, 74 next year. 

Stay strong Dad...I love you. 

Bah

A cough can be persistent. And I hate it when I get one of those. 

This ticklish cough has been around for 10 or 11 days already. Lurking around and refusing to buzz off even after a round of antibiotics.

Made a second trip to the doctor's today. Now I need to take 2 types of cough mixture simultaneously. 

Mission: 

Eradicate. Annihilate. This irritating cough. 

Ganbatte!

*cough* *splutter* 

If

If I were granted a Christmas wish this year, I'd be greedy and wish for two wishes to be given. 

My first wish would be for everyone dear to me (and myself) to remain healthy, happy and blessed always and to have everything good going for them. This just about covers everything from K having a smooth career to my parents having a clean bill of health, to my dear friends having everything going smoothly for them in all aspects, to my two little girls having good health and good learning experiences, to other dear friends finding peace within themselves, etc....

And my second wish would be for D & YL to receive what they have wished for wholeheartedly over the last 6 years - a baby of their own. May they also receive good news of their wait in the queue for IVF treatment. And may their IVF treatment be a successful one. I know how much both of them want this and I really do hope they receive good news soon enough. May God bless them in this journey of theirs. IVF treatment is not an easy thing to undergo....

Converse Shoes!!

I've been wanting a pair of Converse sneakers since time immemorial...ok abit of an exaggeration...since several years back. Even before Nadya came along I think. 

I don't remember why but somehow I have never gotten to doing it. 

I remember standing in a Converse retail store in 2013 thinking to myself "should I get it now?". I didn't in the end because I was pregnant with Nadya and it didn't make sense at that time to buy something I wouldn't wear during pregnancy. 

K fulfilled that wish for me today. So sweet. :)

(Thank you Sayang!)

He was running some of his own errands and included a trip to the Converse store in his to-do list. He also got a pair for himself and a tiny pair for Nadya. It is our 全家装of sorts haha. A footwear version. 

Nadya was excited about it for awhile. She was trying to tie her shoelaces for a good 10minutes plus. :) 

A Mother's Life

It's 930pm.

Alyssa is asleep.

Nadya is asleep.

The helper is asleep.

K is also asleep.

And here I am, about to take my shower. Then I need to express milk before I hit the sack.

Life of a mother?

First to wake, last to sleep...

Jiayou!!!

累了，病了

就知道会有这个情形出现。每天熬夜不够睡，再加上Nadya的runny nose 和cough, 我也中标倒了。

Self-medicate 了几天但似乎没什么进步。今早就去看了医生，讨了几种药回家。他还给了我antibiotics…

希望病能够快一点好。我怕会传给Alyssa…

Mother's Guilt

Nadya's stickiness to me and her crankiness is preventing me from spending more time with Alyssa, which I would really like to do actually. 

I hope Alyssa knows that I am her mother...

Sigh

Nadya

It was between the hours of 4am and 5am this morning. 

I found myself sobbing, and sitting on the floor of Nadya's room. 

She had woken at 4am, drunk milk, insisted on me carrying her and then refused to get back to sleep. And she was in one of her crankier moments. Cantankerous, obnoxious, fussy, demanding, unreasonable. 

She has been this way since the previous weekend. Probably a consequence of her not feeling well with a runny nose and a slight cough. Possibly also due to other reasons which we cannot confirm i.e. jealousy due to Alyssa's presence. 

She has also been waking up numerous times each night. It is taking a toll on me, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sleep deprivation sucks big time. It fucks the mind up too.

She has also been extremely sticky to me. Only I can feed her and put her to bed and do certain things with her. Even during playtime with my parents on Saturday at their place, she insisted that I be around near her. She went ballistic during a car ride because I'd chosen to sit in the front passenger seat with Alyssa. (I had to nurse the baby). 

She also wants to follow me everywhere. It is an "honor" I could sometimes do without though. I do not need a pair of saucer eyes staring at me while I take a dump or a piss in the toilet. 

I felt cornered this morning, sitting in her room with her door closed and curtains drawn. Backed up into a tight space with nowhere else to turn. There is no flight option when it comes to parenting. You can only stay and fight on. 

I was very frustrated at that point in time. Still am actually. Tired and frazzled as well. Hence the tears. While I cried, she continued sitting on her bed, whining and fussing away. I tried to keep a check on myself and only allowed myself a few short minutes of tears before tackling her again. 

She had insisted on me carrying her and going out to the living room or my own room. It lasted an hour before she finally settled down but still not in her bed. On the mattress below her bed (which we place there to catch her in case she rolls off the bed). And I had to sleep with her there.

Woke later on with aches and pains and a sore arm. She had used it as a pillow and her head is rather big. 

Taking care of a toddler is far more challenging than taking care of a baby...

I pray for strength, patience, tolerance and more love. 

Having 2 Kids Means....

1. An even messier house

2. Even crazier nights

3. Even shorter sleeping hours, if any (see 2)

4. A lot more love 

5. A lot more worries (on my part that is, not sure about K)

6. More bulk when heading out (think: extra diapers, clothes, milk, snacks, toys, stroller, etc)

7. More adventures when outside (think: a bawling baby and a screaming toddler)

8. An even fuzzier and blur mind from the lack of rest (see 2 & 3 above) 

9. You don't care if you have shaved or not and step out of the house praying your fur is really just invisible tufts transparent to the naked eye. (See 3)

10. Sometimes you don't have any idea what you are doing but you just do it anyway. Things can't be that bad right?

Achievement unlocked

A day shy of 26 months old.

Nadya pooed in her potty! 

Pic for posterity haha. 

Rivulets

Sometimes

You can't control it 

The rivers spring up 

And form their own meandering paths

Big sister, little sister

I've never had that much "mood swings" as I do now. 

Happy a moment, frustrated the next. Tired and grouchy one moment, roaring with laughter the next. 

Ah yes. Welcome to the world of 2 kids. 

Whatever it is. 

I feel blessed. Really. 

Freaky is when.....

Your 25 month-old wakes in the middle of the night and you are trying to put her back to sleep. She dozes off after a long while and then she suddenly wakes again and says with a whimper....

"Mama! Ah. Ah. Who beat me? Who beat my hand?"

"Nobody beat your hand sayang. Lie down and go back to sleep. Close your eyes."

"Mama! Somebody beat my hand...somebody!"

In my sleep-fuddled mind, I have to admit, I was a little spooked.

Conversations with a 25 month-old

A couple of mornings ago, I found a strange looking piece of something on Nadya's bed. It was somewhat round and a deep brown colour, almost black.

Me: Ew, what is this??
N: This is my pi sai. *nods sagely*
Me: -_-''

She knows pi sai means nose wax in Hokkien. I wonder where she picked it up from. Could me us, could be my inlaws or could be from school...

Mildly amused that she knows some Hokkien words like "chau chau" (smelly smelly) and "pi sai" (nose wax).

Tuesday night

Last night went alright. Not the most ideal but a great improvement from Monday night.

Each of the two girls woke only once, at around the same time of 230am/300am.

Nadya as usual came into my room. Hugging her blanket in one hand and rubbing her eyes with the other. It was 240am and I was expressing milk. Instead of going back to my room to wait for me, she chose to lie down on my pillow on the floor next to me while I finished up.

I hummed her favourite "This Old Man" song to her while the milk pump buzzed away. Not the most peaceful heartwarming scene but oh well, the best I could do given the circumstances haha.

Monday night madness

If Sunday night was a trying one then Monday night was madness.

Nadya slept at 915pm.
Alyssa slept at 1030pm.
I slept at 1130pm.

Alyssa woke at 12am, 2am, 4am and 5am.
Nadya woke at 130am and 530am. And each time she woke she came into my room to find me.

I think I only slept maybe 3 hours?
Broken into bits of 30mins, 30mins, 1.5hrs and a final 30mins.

After my inlaws came to pick Nadya up for school on Tuesday morning, I crashed into bed and got some sleep for another 1.5hrs before the grasscutter downstairs woke me up. Needless to say, I had a dull ache in the head for most of the day....and was somewhat grouchy for the first half of the day. 

Side snippet: 
When I asked Nadya on Tuesday morning why she kept coming into my room the night before, she replied "I want Mama."
Endearing and exasperating at the same time.

Fiak

Trying day. Even more trying night, 

I must have said "fuck" a million times over in my heart. 

I struggled with Alyssa for close to 3hours. She just WOULD NOT sleep. Carried, rocked, swung and swayed to no avail. She would doze off in my arms and stay that way when I put her down in her cot. Only to wake after 2 or 3 mins. It was really eating into my patience. 

And then the heavy rain came. It woke Nadya up and frightened her. She wanted me. I had to abandon Alyssa to the helper and console Nadya instead. 

Going by the sound of the rain and the thunder accompanying it, I'd probably need to bunk in Nadya's room tonight. 

It's 1am now. 

Did not manage to nap much today.

I am tired. Very tired. 

Times like these

5am. 

Sitting in a corner of the room expressing milk. 

Just came out of the baby's room after carrying and swaying and rocking and patting her for an hour.

She'd taken just half of her milk, refused the rest and then refused to go back to sleep as well. 

It is at times like these...with an exhausted body and a sleep-deprived brain....That my nostrils start flaring, my pupils get dilated. And I start chanting "f*ck this shit, f*ck this shit, f*ck this shit" 

It is at times like these that I feel even more so that motherhood is actually a rather lonely journey and you go at it alone for a portion of the time. 

It is at times like these that I wonder how other mothers cope with 3 or 4 or even 5 kids. Popular blogger mum of motherinc.org is carrying her 5th child now, after swearing off them when she had her 4th one. And she's younger than me. 

It is at times like these when I feel the desperate need to just hole myself up in my corner and not give a f*ck about anything. Heck the (again) growing pile of junk. Heck the grocery list. Heck the menu list. Heck all the Xmas presents list. Heck the dust balls that the helper missed out on. 

Dear Lord, grant me patience, some determination, some perseverance and... lots of love. 

Oh pfffttt. The elder one just woke. Pffffttt. 

Milk

This is a post touching on boobs and mother's milk. Read on if you will and scuttle away if it makes you uncomfortable. :)

============

Just spent 1.5hrs trying to unclog an engorged boob. FML. I've had other situations of engorgement but nothing that could not be solved by pumping more intensely during a long session. 

Today was to be the day. Right boob still felt full in the morning even after pumping. I brushed the matter aside and didn't think about it till lunch time when another pump session was due. Bad move. 

By lunch, I actually felt pain in the right boob. I thought to myself "ji bai xiao liao" or "这次xiao liao" or "this time xiao Liao". 

Spent 1-230pm, with a warm shower in between, trying to relieve and in-engorge that boob. Pumped, massaged vigorously (maybe more like manhandled myself), pumped again, massaged again, you get the drift. 

After all that I still felt full and hard in that boob. And I decided to express the milk manually. Which explains why the fingers on my right hand are trembling slightly. Too much manual squeezing to drain off all the milk. Results in aching fingers.

It was quite uncomfortable. My face was in a perpetual frown in that 1.5hours I think. But eventually, the manual expressing did the trick. I finally felt more comfortable and not engorged anymore. Though now I felt soreness from the manual self-expression of milk. 

I never thought I'd really use it but I always keep a head of cabbage in the fridge. It came in handy today. A cold cabbage leaf (straight from the fridge mind you) plopped onto each boob for about 10-15mins. Helped relieve the engorgement further and provided some relief. 

It has been an interesting journey so far, this breastfeeding adventure. Glad I'm still at it and I hope to be able to continue and keep up with it till Peanut is 6montjs.