又哭了

Sometimes, I wonder if I am just a doormat who goes along with anything and everything. Unless it’s something illegal or goes against my conscience or morals.

这是太随和还是没主见还是累了?

hmm...

Either I have unprocessed stuff.

Or Big Auntie is on her way to visit me. 

Teary.

24 September 2024

Alyssa turned 9 on 24 September 2024! It was a Tuesday.

The littlest of our family is now almost a decade old. Time flies. 

She is still as cheery, compassionate, emphathetic and affectionate as before. 

Though she had more breakdowns this year and tantrums as schoolwork gets more difficult. She gets upset when she can't solve a Math sum and then gets stuck in a whirlwind of frustration & unhappy thoughts , and can't get out of it. 

She is helpful and willing to handle her chores or help out where needed. Unless I disrupt her reading of an interesting book lol. 

She asked for a simple meal at Astons on Sunday evening. And a trip to Decathlon so that she & her sister could run amok there and try on skates, play with balls, check out other stuff, etc. 

Stay healthy and happy little one. I'm glad you made more friends this year, both within your class and in your gymnastics class too. 

Stay focused and keep going! Dada, Mama & Jiejie love you!

Reminder to Self

When you fixate on something, it becomes your reality.

Take that first step. Just do it. Get started. Just keep swimming. 

Don't let whatever was clinically diagnosed hold you back, box you in or constrain your thoughts,  behaviours and actions.

Try try try. And then try somemore. 

Wake Me Up When September Ends

2 cremation services in as many weeks...

September 2024 has been a strange month. 

人生不如意事十有八九....笑着带过吧...this too shall pass

20 September 2024

Received news of Ah Dioh's situation on 18 Sept. He was gravely ill and warded at CGH. I visited him and spent more than an hour there that same evening. I wasn't sure if his mind could register anything as he was already in a somewhat unresponsive state. But I still greeted him and said my hellos. Much of that hour was spent supporting & comforting my aunt (his wife), and chatting with my cousin (his daughter). 

I'm glad I rushed over that day and managed to see him. 

He passed away early on 20 Sept. 

I attended the wake on 20 Sept evening, and was also present at his cremation service on 22 Sept Sunday evening. 

And just like that....in a jiffy...he went from hospital bed to coffin and then the incinerator in less than a week...Things end quite swiftly sometimes. 

He battled bladder cancer for 3 years and had several operations over this period of time. He was quite resilient and still had a good appetite. His mind was good and was very lucid when we visited him during CNY earlier this year. 

Rest in peace Ah Dioh. I hope you're happily reunited with all your siblings in heaven..

Rest in Peace

Haven’t really had the chance to organise my thoughts or pen things down. Myriad emotions since MIL’s passing exactly 3 weeks ago. 

On one hand, I am glad she is no longer suffering. Being unable to eat, or taste much took a toll on her mind and body, given the foodie that she was. 

The other part of me, the selfish part of me I guess, feels the loss of a steady presence (& glue) on that side of the family. One who was always there and looking after the family in her own ways. One who was the more practical &  level-headed half, watching out for FIL, whether he knew it or not. One who was doting on the grandkids, yet also tried to impart key values and life habits to them, and emphasised the value of education and female independence.

Thank you Mum....

• for looking after the girls, for teaching them English & Chinese since they were young, for developing your own flashcards & guiding them to read & write, for sewing pajama pants and cute skirts for them since they were toddlers, for bringing them out to town or even to the zoo and bring them on MRT rides and bus trips, for showing them girl power
• for running around doing groceries and buying snacks or cakes or fruits or special food items, for making our favourite foods, for planning out all family meals during special occasions like CNY and Xmas, and for always remembering to create a non-herbal and non-seafood version for me for these meals if needed
• for offering to help whenever you thought we might need some assistance
• for showing us what being steadfast and staying true to your values and principles is like
• for just being there.....

Rest in peace...

17 September 2024 - 17th work anniversary

I joined the organisation on 17 September 2007. 

Voila. It's been 17 years. 

I'm more or less still holding the same role, with a highly expanded scope, and my own team now. 

I guess I've grown with this place. It's witnessed many milestones in my adult life.  

In these 17 years.....I went through a hurtful breakup and had to give up a flat I balloted for. I got to travel alot and sometimes to "exotic" places. I met K and we eventually got married. The girls came along. Granny passed away 6 months after N was born. A never got to see her. K & I got our own place. We also got our first car & second cars. I hired my first helper ever. I got clinically diagnosed with anxiety. I got promoted 3 times......amongst other things. 

I am thankful for the good bosses I've had, and good teammates. Thankful too for some friendships formed over the years with colleagues, and ex-colleagues. 

Wednesday 4 September 2024

MIL passed away.

While the eventuality was expected given the illness, it still hits hard when it happens. 

FIL & SIL called K & I at 230am. My phone was on silent mode and I slept through the calls till K woke me up to inform me he was heading to the hospital. I stayed back as the girls were still sleeping. But I couldn’t get back to sleep and was on standby mode, thoughts running through my tired mind. 

K finally texted me at 4:58am to let me know she had passed.

The wake was held over the next 3 days, with the cremation ceremony on 6 Sept evening, and scattering of ashes on 9 Sept morning.

In a way, I am glad that her suffering was not too prolonged.

Rest in peace Mum. I hope you're having a fun reunion with Ah-Gu and your parents. 

Unstoppable

Unstoppable - Sia

All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town

I'll do it 'til the sun goes down
And all through the nighttime
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what you wanna hear
Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear
It's never the right time
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

Break down, only alone I will cry out loud
You'll never see what's hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah
I know, I've heard that to let your feelings show
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I'm too afraid now
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable

I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

============

Summing things up? I dunno...

But anyway, the other day, K & I were debating what word it was (old liao both of us forgot lol)...

I said it was "Impossible"...he said it was "Unbreakable"...

The girls overheard....rolled their eyes and said..."Unstoppable lah!!!"

Lol lol lol....

Another conversation with the girls

How do you broach the topic of mortality with a 9-yr-old?

I am thankful that both girls had had pets (both hamsters & spiders) in the past who all passed on eventually. At least that helped to introduce the concepts of impermanence and mortality to them. 

We've both been slowly talking to them in bite-sizes, whether individually or together, about things and the eventuality. 

I hope they understand...slowly bit by bit...

Conversation with the 9-yr-old

Conversation with the 9-yr-old

A: I want 3 birthday cakes this year.

Me: Har? Why?

A: Because this is my last year with a single digit age number.

Me: Errrr ok…

A: I also need 3 birthday cakes next year.

Me: And why again?

A: Because next year is my first year with a double digit age number.

Me: .............

Reminder to Self

Don't buy things on impulse when you're not in a good mood. 

Ended up with 2 articles of clothing that do not fit me, and which are somehow non-returnable. 

Sigh. 

活该

Wonder if I should bring them to be altered? Hmm......

可以的

Wondering if I am doing an ok job as a reporting officer. 

Wondering if and how I can do more and how else I should handle this one particular staff, who is also bringing some amount of headache for my own boss. 

It's my first time dealing with this situation. He has seen more through the course of his work life....while he also finds this situation not ideal, at least it is not anything too egregious. 

I had a chat with him a few weeks back. We agreed that while we can show compassion and accord more flexibility to this staff, we need to also ensure work responsibilities get fulfilled, and we need to properly document our chats/counselling sessions/instruction emails with this staff. 

I'm still learning....

可以的

可以的

Trying to be best friends with my dumbbells. Kinda slow getting to know each other better. May we find each others' frequency soon. Lol....

可以的!! 

可以的

We’re almost midway through the 7^th lunar month already. Mid-autumn is coming soon.

The purchase and delivery of mooncakes is coming up soon. 

Time ticks away so fast.

I should be prepping for Xmas soon too. In fact, I think we were already done with a portion of the Xmas gifts by this time last year. 

Nvm....

可以的......

Best Buy

I've been buying some things recently...from crochet stuff to the kids' bedding, to sewing materials, etc. 

But the best buy has got to be....

A pair of prescription goggles. 

It was an off the shelf pair from View. Got it from the Sun Paradise shop and was told by the sales lady that it was a Japanese brand. The cheap pair I got online from Shopee didn't work for me. Water seeped in whenever I dunked my head underwater. And so without hesitation, I bought the View pair. I think from asking the lady, to trying it on, and then paying up, I only took probably 10mins haha. Fast purchase.  

Managed to try it out over the weekend and suddenly found that I could swim again! Yay! I could see underwater. Though it's not fully clear but better than not having any vision underwater at all. 

I stopped swimming ever since I had kids and it was even harder to get started again when I stopped wearing contact lenses about 7 years ago....I simply couldn't swim without knowing exactly where I was going or what I was seeing. It felt very scary to swim like that and given my high myopia, I just kinda forgot about swimming and gave up. 

I can't do 15-20 laps like I did 15 years ago. But oh well..baby steps baby steps...happy to even just do the equivalent of 1 lap for now...broken into smaller distances since the pool below my block is just a small pool lol. 

Ganbatte!

The Small One

Sick since Wednesday afternoon when she called us from school to announce that she was havign a fever and had a headache. Vomitted twice at home that afternoon. The doctor said she had stomach flu. 

We separated the big one from her. N slept with me and K bunked in with A. 

Fever broke by Friday morning but the cough...oh the cough. It's so persistent and the phelgm sounds so thick. 

Sigh....may the cough & phelgm go away soon. She's been cranky & moody the entire day today, claimed she's extremely bored. 

Back to school tomorrow so I hope the school, work, homework & friends occupy her enough....

The nephew

Marc's entering uni. He's going NTU. And he's starting his hostel orientation camp in 2 day's time. 

I'm getting all the feels. Feeling excited for him and all that he'll be going through over the next few years. For the new friends he'll be making, for the new experiences, for the new "freedom" of staying on his own and looking after himself. 

有一种莫名的兴奋和骄傲。。。

Adrian, me, and even K were all from NTU, my cousin and his wife as well...and now the next generation is going to NTU too...:)

It felt real nostalgic when Marc showed me a map of the current NTU on his phone. The place has changed so much and expanded in ways I never imagined too.

I hope he has a great & fulfilling time in NTU, and in his assigned hostel too. I hope he enjoys his orientation & hostel life thoroughly like I did! May he make long-lasting friendships too. 

 

Maybe

Guess we have to accept that as time goes by, as people grow & develop, as people live their lives and go about their own paths...

It is inevitable that some friends will be on a slightly different wavelength with different interests and pursuits. 

Maybe I am getting more gor tak too as I grow older. Maybe I've changed, especially in the last 5 years.