Too pretty to eat!

TH and Diana went to Osaka in December and bought this box of multicolored sweets for Kyne and I. 

But, oh the sweets are so lovely! Too pretty to eat! They are still sitting nicely in the plastic packaging lol. Couldn't bear to open it. 

Lovely surprise

In this current world of rampant technology where SMS-es, emails and Whtsapp messages inundate us on a daily basis, I was touched and pleasantly surprised to receive a card through the mail. As in snail mail, through the post. 

The moment I saw the handwritten address on the envelope, I knew the card was from Ally. 20 years of seeing her handwriting, it was definitely her unmistakable print. :) 

Reading the card brought a smile to my face and several tears to my eyes. Yes yes, I'm emo lol. 

Oh but I love the card, I love the bear and I love the flowers!

Thank you Ally. For being my friend too. And for being there all these while. :)

Positivity is a choice?

"One can choose to be happy or miserable. I choose the former."

Posted by a friend on his FB status this morning. 

I should learn to do this. Make it a point to see the positive points of each situation or circumstance and not dwell too much on the negatives. 

I should make it a point too to remain more calm and not get easily worked up over certain things as how I've been over the last few months since Nadya was born. 

I should try to see things in a different perspective. Try to see them in a more positive light perhaps. 

So many "shoulds". Still learning. And I hope still improving. Afterall learning is a lifelong process.

But I should keep in mind too that I shouldn't bottle up unhappy feelings. I just need to manage them better and minimize their occurrence. 

Signed

The deed is done. 

Work team

Many new personnel changes in my team. Two left during my maternity leave and now there are two new hires. But actually these two new joiners are both from the industry so we've all known each other for several years already. For the new technical guy, I personally think he is good at what he does. Humble, sincere and down to earth as well.

People in my super niche industry always end up playing "musical chairs" and hopping over between the vendor, registrar and registry. And also often between organizations based in different countries. No choice, niche industry with niche knowledge and experience. Sometimes it is worthwhile getting an experienced person from overseas rather than hiring a newbie from the local pool.

Feeling excited! Feeling renewed energy and faith in our team too! Many changes for the team in 2014. There will be a change in both work and interpersonal dynamics as well. Onward we go!

:)

Stay happy always, Little Baby. :)

Dusk

My favourite part of the day. 

When I feel most at peace. 

The picture above doesn't really capture the colour of the sky which is various shades of pink and purple. 

Today, listening to jazz and doing some simple chores. Little Baby is on an adventure downstairs with the inlaws. 

Jazz always soothes me...amazing how the smooth notes and silky voices feel like as if they are caressing my soul...

Peace and solitude. For now.

活该

知错能改是件好事。知错照做是活该。

午餐真的不应该吃那第二块鸡翅膀。。。现在肚子又开始有点不舒服了。。。

Of health and checkups

The start of all my yearly checkups has just begun. 

Jan - heart

Mar - dental, eye, heart scan

Apr - brain

Jul - heart (again)

Sigh + Argh

This is why I keep a portion of my savings relatively liquid. Because all these check-ups combined can easily cost me more than a thousand bucks especially if the doctors order various scans. 

Health is important. I'm thankful I am still considered relatively healthy.

Random realisation

I suck at buying presents. Period. 

This week

It has been a long week. Hard to believe though that it has only been a week.

So many things have taken place, so many discussions have happened, so many thoughts have run through my mind, so many words have been spoken, so many questions have been asked and so many answers have been given that it feels like as if many weeks have passed.

We are paving the way for a new chapter in our lives. We are building our future step by step. And most importantly we are doing it together. And now, also with Little Baby.

I'm thankful. 

Granny

Everytime I visit my granny, I would get a tad emotional. And yes that means every Saturday morning or afternoon since July 2007.

I've not been visiting her that regularly though since 2 weeks before Little Baby was born. 

This morning was the 2nd time that I've visited her since the birth. Both times I brought Little Baby along. But today I suppose we made some progress because Granny was awake. 

K and I managed to get Little Baby close enough to her and she did set her eyes on Little Baby. I also held her hand and stroked Little Baby's hair with it. Whether her mind registered what she saw or not I do not know. I'm just very happy that Granny got to see Little Baby today and had the chance to stroke her head. 

No points for guessing, I teared while holding Granny's hand to stroke Little Baby's hair. 

加油!

Several things running through my mind over the last few days. Some are stress-inducing, some bring happiness, excitement and anticipation, and some just bring me angst. 

May my thoughts settle down soon for I am having an outbreak. See lah, just one or two sudden stressful days and the pimples start popping up. 

Trying to 看开more. :)

Shell, 你一定行!! 加油哦!!

Buy buy buy!

In an online retail purchase frenzy again haha. This time round, it's all for the little girl.

Pre-walker shoes

Mittens (need tons of them since she's been sucking on them like crazy)

Long sleeved clothes

I'm contributing to her burgeoning wardrobe lol.

Alamak why like that?

Started the new year on a tired, drowsy, medicated note. 

Dark eye rings are getting darker and am now having a zit outbreak. Stomach spoil and am still shedding hair during showers and when I comb my hair. 

Ugh!! Could it be the post-pregnancy changing hormone levels? 

累了。病了。

Stomach spoil. 

Not entirely a nice way to start the year, because when the queasiness or nauseousness comes, giddiness sometimes comes with it too. And I'll end up having a heavy head. 

The doc said it was likely food poisoning. I think it is more of my stomach protesting against the amount of things I stuffed into it during the festive period.

Which wasn't a lot actually. In fact it was lesser than previous years given that I'm on a quest to regain my pre-pregnancy body. 

Oh well. I'll just have to lie low and eat smaller meals and lesser things for these few days/weeks. I need to get my appetite back for the fast approaching CNY!

Losing weight due to sickness is not a good thing...hmm...

Dreams

I've been having bad dreams over the last couple of nights. But I can't remember any of them except for one. Last night seemed to be the worst-hit because I woke up in the middle of the night feeling insanely fearful and anxious. 

Sigh, already not enough sleep. Now whatever sleep is marred by unpleasant dreams...Bleah. 

As The Years Roll By

It seems obligatory to pen a post on the old 2013 and the new 2014. 

2013, like any other year, was marked by peaks and troughs. Except that it's cadence was abit more erratic compared to other years. 

The year started on a hectic note, peppered with bouts of unhappiness and high stress levels. I remember having an hour long teleconference on 1 Jan 2013 and having some high and mighty people unleash their idiosyncrasies on us in that session. Preparations for it had started since 2010. It was a 3-year long project for me and it was a mad crazy time towards the culmination of the APRICOT 2013 event. The fact that CNY was right before the event didn't help much and it was a rush between deadlines for the event and trying to get angpows ready for CNY. 

The event finally ended on 1 Mar and it was a huge relief. To me, it was a great achievement as well. Something I'm mighty proud of. Not many can have such an experience organizing a regional event lasting 11 days with 900-1000 participants and at least 6 other smaller international and regional meetings held in conjunction. The experience also reinforced on me the notion that as far as possible, it is always best to keep work and friendships apart.

3 days after the event ended, I discovered something which would change K's and my lives forever. That little blue plus sign shown on the test kit sent us both into an initial shock and blur state. We didn't know how to react haha. But eventually we were overjoyed of course. Just that it took a few days for the news to sink in. ;p This was another high point for me. 

We were in a loss in the immediate weeks thereafter although things settled down after I did some rough planning. K read up a lot online as well. The months that followed became a whirl of activity. Preparations, buying of things, reading up and learning, gynae visits, my brain and heart checkups. I would say that it was a really fun time buying things and preparing for the little one's arrival. :) Shopping is always nice. Downsides of the pregnancy were the giddiness, queasiness, breathlessness and general tiredness. 

Work was as usual in all those months. I became a social hermit though, choosing to lunch in everyday because I couldn't stand being in the foodcourt. I'd feel extremely queasy, breathless and giddy. I was glad for Kah Hui's company. She sometimes accompanied me and dabao-ed her lunch as well. Our friendship grew much in 2013 and I'm grateful for that. 

Nadya's arrival was another high point in 2013. Although her arrival also brought with it some not so happy and testy, teary moments. It's been a challenge during the last 2 months plus but seeing her smile at you makes it worthwhile. I'm looking forward to watching Nadya grow and I really hope I can be there at each of her growth milestones.

Oh yes and I am really grateful that I received a promotion, while I was on maternity leave. Haha that was a pleasant surprise definitely. 

There are still more happy moments, trials and tribulations going ahead in 2014. I'm anticipating big changes both on the home front as well as in the workplace. In any case, I wish for 2014 to be a smooth year for me and all my loved ones. May it also bring to all of us much blessings, good health, peace and joy.

Meh Day

Not feeling too good today. :( And I'm not sure why. Quite stoned, quite "seh", a little breathless, a little nauseous. Eyes are feeling awfully dry and "siap" since morning as well. 

May God bless me and keep me healthy so that I can look after the little girl....

Breathe

I'm not a patient person. That's why I'm not that good with kids. With my own child, I am learning to stretch my patience more. On some days though, my limits are tested thoroughly and I start to lose my last shreds of patience. This afternoon happens to be one of such days.

Sigh.

Learning and cultivating greater patience.

May my threshold be raised to much higher levels. 

Ohm.

Metamorphosis. Post-partum - III

And so I was praised by the relatives for losing quite abit of my pregnancy weight fast (when I saw them during the Christmas celebrations). That certainly put a huge grin on my face. :D

But then again...festivities usually involve ingesting lots of good food and the waistline usually suffers as a result. 

- Put back several hundred grams of weight over the last few days. Tummy area seems more bloated again. Part of the mind is horrified but the other part says "To heck with it! Eat! It's the festive season!" Oh well, it's always a dilemma.

- Skin discolourations are getting slightly lighter. Just a little. It could be back to normal at a faster rate but I am not complaining. As long as those areas get lighter...

- Dark eye circles are permanently etched  on my face liao. Fml. 

- Hair is really starting to fall out already. When I shampoo my head, strands of my hair end up entwined between my fingers. Sobs.

- Itchy face has improved somewhat because I started using the medicated face wash again. 

- Feet have grown bigger by a size! I used to wear size 37 and last week when I bought shoes, I had to get size 38s. Bunion on my right foot seems to be getting bigger too hmm.

Little fashionista

Little Baby has received her Christmas presents. And wow, coupled with whatever we received for her birth and manyue, we won't need to buy anymore clothes for the next few months. We have enough stock on hand to last her till she turns 6-7monhs I think.

Burgeoning wardrobe.

I am beginning to lose track of what clothes she owns and what sizes they are. 

But I know for sure that she has at least 20 pairs of socks that can last her till she is 9months or even a year old. Gosh. 

Her wardrobe's getting to be more fantastic than mine man...

圣诞节

It is Little Baby's first Christmas.

Merry Christmas Little Baby!

May this Yuletide season bring you much happiness and joy. Stay blessed, healthy and happy always. 

Daddy and Mummy love you.

Muacks!

That mop of hair

That mop of hair on Little Baby's head has been a conversation opener since the day she was born. Nurses, doctors, relatives, friends, strangers. Men and women alike. The first thing they say when they see her is "Wah, a lot of hair!"

Vanity

The mop is growing longer with each passing day. As with any female parent, when your daughter's hair grows longer, your hands will start to itch to do something to it. I finally bought hairclips for her that day. I bought some cutesy hair ties too but those will be used only when she's older and when the mop gets even longer. Verdict? I love the clip in her hair haha. The picture doesn't do justice though, she was fidgeting and that was the best pic I could take of her when she had on her hairclip.

Wolverina

If there ever was a female version of the Wolverine character, she would qualify for it given the stubborn waves and curls in her hair. The ones just above her left ear seem to be particularly stubborn and curl out in huge waves. On some days, the way her hair curls totally reminds me of Wolverine's hairstyle in the X-men movies.

Afro

I get tickled (figuratively) everyday when I bathe her. Just because her hair gets so frizzy and curly when it's wet. And here's a photo of her getting gloriously upset because she was just taken out of her warm bath.

Fuzzy

And...I get tickled (literally) when I carry her upright with her head on my chest. Her hair brushing the underside of your chin and your neck can be quite ticklish haha. 

P/s: typing this post took me two days!

December

I've always liked December, mainly because of Christmas and of the cooler weather. I think I like December even more so now because...the little girl seems to sleep better (at least for the past week or so)

And I attribute this to:

- the cooler weather

- the neighbours' dogs being quieter since there are lesser passers-by due to the rain

- lesser traffic noise due to vehicles travelling slower because of the wet roads 

- December is simply an awesome month 

P/s: October is an awesome month too since both hers and my birthdays fall in that month. :) 

Sorry K darling, April is awesome too, but still less so than October. 

Thankful

It's been 2 and a half months. Interestingly, I still find myself staring at Little Baby and wondering with amazement how on earth did this cute little precious creature come from within me?

Frenchies' Xmas Gathering 2013

Didn't manage to take a group photo this time round because several folks came at different times. But I am still happy we saw all of them. And I'm thankful we're a tight group who get along pretty well with each other. 

Time flies and it's been 6.5 years since we've known each other. Here's to many more years to come! 

This was the only photo I managed to take of the gathering especially since my hands were occupied with food or milk or Little Baby most of the time. :) It's a seafood linguini dish from Modestos.

Little Baby and Basketball

Me: Do you think Little Baby will be a good basketball player next time?

K: Har? Abit too early to tell right? She can't even walk yet.

Me: I think she will be a good basketball player.

K: Why?

Me: Because she is already dribbling a lot when she drinks milk. 

K: -_-"

Me: hahahahaha

K: -_-"

Not funny meh? I thought I was quite witty to have come up with this joke. :D

Liberation

3hours spent alone in a shopping mall, out of which 1h 15mins was spent in a salon. So in 1h 45mins...I somehow managed to buy....

- 3 pairs of shoes

- 2 boxers

- 1 top

- 2 phone covers 

- 3 chicken pies 

- Groceries (4 cup noodles, 2 packets of yogurt, 1 pack of biscuits) 

- Hairclips and rubber bands for myself and the little girl 

Wah I've never been so efficient and so quick to spend money before! Lol look what 2 months of staying at home without any "shopping for myself" time can do to you. 

Say cheese!

After a very trying day on Tuesday, the little girl was in a pretty good mood on Wednesday. And for the first time ever, she gave a little shriek when she smiled/laughed. It was also the first time ever that she smiled so much in a single day!

Feeling domesticated

Rolling up cotton balls to clean Little Baby's backside with. 

Heh

One of the positive things about being on maternity leave during December is that you check your bank account and there it is, your pay is nicely credited into your account. Together with your year-end bonus. Without you doing actual office work. 

*beams*

Zzzzzz

It has been a trying day. Physically and mentally. Drained. Signing out.

Metamorphosis. Post-partum - II

Oh...the darnest things!

- Chest has gone back to its original state (read: size) now that I am no longer breastfeeding. Darn.

- Hairfall seems to be starting a little. Darn.

- Skin has started itching. Started from the face and now my limbs as well. Don't know why. Darn.

- I still cannot wear my wedding ring!! Darn.

- I discovered varicose veins on my right ankle. A bunch of ugly red and purple meandering lines, not protruding though. Darn. 

-  Eyes are still not used to wearing contacts for long. Max I can tahan is 6-8 hours. 

- The tummy seems to have gone down just a teeny bit but it is STILL present and is still as wobbly as ever. I can still squeeze into some existing clothes but they make me look like a muffin-top. I haven't had the guts to try my skinnies yet. Darn.

3-4 more kg to go. Ganbatte!

(Oh but darn, I just gorged on Ben & Jerries chocolate ice-cream last evening.)

The Duckies

For the first time in 2 whole months, I had a "day off" and went out on my own for a few hours to meet up with the Duckies. 

I didn't manage to speak much with them during Little Baby's manyue celebration and was glad to meet up with them this time round. Loads of laughter, nonsense and general talk with an Xmas gift exchange thrown in for good measure. 

It felt good to be able to chill in Selin's new place too. (I love the way they did up their new home!) Things were at our own time and target and at the decibel levels we chose. (Most of the time we get too loud for establishments and get stares from neighboring tables lol.)

10years on. 

Here's to many more years of friendship! 

Unhappy

Y: Don't break her spirit!!

The moment that statement was uttered, I felt anger. All I could think of was "what the fuck?" and "what the hell are you trying to say?". 

Rage and that bitter feeling of unjustice came on later. To the extent that the floodgates opened. Rage boileth over. 

Ascertain what is going on before you accuse people of things and before you jump to a conclusion. 

We all want the best for the girl. What gives you the right to say (no, shout) something like that to us? We're the parents. Do you think we would intentionally want to inflict suffering on her? I carried her inside me for 9-over months. I was cut open so that she could be brought into this world. What gives you the right to utter something like that to us?

I naively thought that sleep would bring me more calmness and that I could write off the incident as another silly thing in my little black book. 

Hell no. It's 150am in the morning. I am awake and I am still feeling the anger and resentment. This is not good. This is not healthy. The floodgates have opened slightly again. 

It's been a long time since my emotions have been stretched this way. A rubber band still has a limit to its elasticity.

God, I seriously implore you, grant me more patience, more peace, more calmness and more level-headed-ness to deal with all these. 

Keeping my head above the water. Just barely. I hope I can remain calm enough to take care of the little girl and that she won't pick up too much on my (frazzled) emotions. 

My dear blog

I need to apologise to you my dear blog, my friend and listening ear for the last 8 years....

I've been ranting non-stop for the last 2 months. So sorry about it...

But you're the only one who I can "talk" to during the day when K is not around.

Thank you for being there all these years...You have provided me with much appreciated companionship.

Sigh (III)

Epic. Conversation this morning.

Me: She wants to sleep.
Y: Ok, I carry her for awhile and put her to sleep. 

minutes later...

Me: *sees that Y keeps talking and having a long-winded monologue with the baby*
Me: Are you putting her to sleep?
Y: No. Her eyes are open.
Me: Of course lah. You keep talking to her!!
Y: *finally shuts up*


Wah lau.

Sigh (II)

Which part of the sentence "She is very tired and needs to sleep." do you both not understand?????????

Must wait until she starts being very agitated and very cranky then you all get the message issit??

I already told you! I know her signs and I already told you so.

And you still want to talk and play and sing and disturb her??

And then when she gets agitated then you both get kan cheong and clamour to soothe her??

wah lan wtf. I am seething.

I really hope to bring up my child in a more calm and quiet environment.

Sigh (I)

It is a struggle everyday to create and find a peaceful enviroment for Little Baby to sleep in.

Most people think living in an HDB flat would be a noisier environment compared to living in a landed area. I beg to differ. Or maybe I should say, there are (many) exceptions to the rule.

1. When you're living along one of the longest main roads in the East, Changi Road, escaping from the sound of traffic seems a far-fetched idea. Buses, cars, bikes, taxis, lorries, trucks, what have you...Even if the traffic were to slow down for just that little in the night, some smart aleck on a bike with its silencer removed would zoom by. And then the baby gets startled.

2. When you have neighbours with dogs, there is no escaping from the sound of their barks. We happen to be surrounded with such neighbours. And their dogs bark at anytime of the day. Let me paint a clearer picture. The dogs bark at anything and everything at anytime of the day. And then the baby gets startled.

3. Somehow, the neighbours take their turn to engage grasscutters to trim their lawn. Yes, grasscutters wielding those hand-held cutters that go "BUZZZ BUZZZZZZ BUZZZZZZ". Day 1 - neighbour to the left, Day 2 - neighbour to the right. Day 3 - neighbour opposite.....And then the baby gets startled.

4. In-laws. (Ok, this is not related to whether we are staying in an HDB or landed area but I just wanted to put it in). Too loud. Period.

To do or not to do

Was trying to get back to sleep at 3am this morning and my mind was in a whirl. Things which needed to be done was just running around in my head. 

I remember the last thing on my mind was: "I need to include 'do up a to-do list' as the first item in my to-do list". 

If that makes any sense at all. The mind can act in a bizarre manner at such ungodly hours.

Ohm mani pad me hum

Keeping hostility in check.

Praying for more patience.

Keeping face straight. 

Praying for a way out. 

不过，气憋太久我怕总有一天会爆。

到时候情况就会很难看。

Y u no sleep???!!!

This is probably my favourite phrase for today.

Nostalgia

Many articles say that successful (and highly successful) people tend to be forward-looking in their minds and hearts. I'm not like that, maybe that's why I'm not that successful? I tend to revisit the past from time to time. Afterall, the past is what made us today, no?

On Saturday night, I somehow found myself trawling through old emails. From way back in 2005 to present times. 

People

Looking through those old emails brought back certain memories. And it also reminded me of those people who were once actively present in my life. There were even emails from people who I now cannot even remember how they look like, nor fathom how I got to know them in the first place. Some are long gone from my life, whilst some others are still somewhere in the background, just not actively present in my life right now. Indelible or not, good or bad, whatever it is, I want to thank all these people for the imprint they've left on my life, however fleeting our connaisance and interactions might have been. 

Of course, there were emails from folks who are still very much in my life right now. I also want to thank these people for being with me all this while, and for blessing me with good times, fun conversations and merry laughter to mark my memories by. 

Needless to say, as we grow older, we somehow are all communicating less through emails. I'm not sure why, maybe Facebook and Whatsapp played a role in it? 

Language

Of course the other thing I noticed was the way I wrote last time. Much better than the way I write now. More emotions and feelings were woven into each sentence then, compared to my writings now. Maybe a good few years in a government agency has caused this to happen. My writing is so bland now. 

Frus Frus Frus

Feeling frustrated. And it's only 1030am. And no, it's not the baby making me this way. And K won't be home till 10-12 hours later. FML.

Wanted

It's strange but these 2 items have been on my "want" list for several years. But I've never really made a conscious effort to go buy them. 

(1) A pair of Converse sneakers (either black or white but probably black)

(2) A black watch (doesn't matter if it's a metal, rubber/plastic or leather strap but it should preferably be chunkier and not too feminine)

Bossiness

Every sentence need not be an instruction. I have my own thoughts and ways of doing things. There is no need to be so bossy.

==========

These two sentences/requests were made to me today. 

(1) Can I (do this and that).....?

(2) Let me (do this and that).

Ask me nicely and politely, as in (1), and I'll gladly accede to your request. And I'd even throw in a nice smile for you. 

(2) is a bloody bossy way of asking for something. Wth, it turns a request into a command instead. Do you know how rude and bossy it is??

Sometimes, all it takes is just for a person to tweak the way he or she speaks. And the world would be a better place.

God, grant me patience. 

Before I explode. 

==========

X: "You can just leave her there. She needs to learn how to play by herself."

Me: "I know. I do that from time to time. That is why I went out of the room and left her there alone."

UGH. You don't need to tell me what to do when I am already doing it. 

Cow sense

Me: *carrying baby and trying to put to sleep*

X: *starts talking to me in a normal voice*

Me: *in my mind* Wth? I'm trying to put the baby to sleep and you keep talking. You're not even making an effort to whisper. How is the baby going to sleep?

==========

Me: The baby is asleep in the other room. Just got to sleep only so umm...(please be quiet)

Y: ok I go over

Me: *hears Y talking and gushing over baby*

Y: *comes back to me* The baby just opened her eyes.

Me: *in my mind* Wth? Of course she woke lah. You were talking to her while she was sleeping!

==========

Me: The baby's having a slight fever. 

X: Is it?

X: *goes to see baby and carries baby when the baby starts fussing* 

X: *comes over to me* She feels feverish. Seems like she's having a fever.

Me: Ya. I just told you.

==========

Me: *standing somewhere in room*

X: *carrying baby and talking to baby* Did you drink milk today? When did you last take your milk? Hmm? When did you last take your milk? 

Me: *in my mind* if that question was supposed to be meant for me, then ask me directly. 

X: So when did you last take your milk?? *repeats 2 more times*

Me: *remains silent*

Me: *in my mind* If you want to know then ask directly. Don't speak in such an indirect manner when I am just standing in the same room as you.

Realization

Never knew that having a child drains so much from a woman's body. Forums and websites say so and even both my confinement nanny and my masseuse auntie say so.

And for those who went through c-section, their bodies need an even longer time to recover and most people say to wait at least a year or a year and a half for the body to regain its normalcy before having a second child. 

If I were to have a second one, that'll be when I'm 35-36 years old? Gosh that sounds old...sigh

I'm too old to be doing this. Back ache, neck ache, shoulder ache.

The Great-Grandmother

I'm someone who gets nostalgic and sentimental easily. I reminisce often as well, which was why I was happy when Dad dug out old albums for us to look through yesterday when Adrian and I were there for dinner with our own families.

Those pictures were taken 30 years ago. Yellowed but still visible. And it was mainly about our family excursions out to the zoo, the park or the beach or the shopping mall.

And Granny was in those pictures as well.

I miss those days when she was tubby and chubby with a wobbly belly. When she had her full glorious head of hair. When she kept it in waves and swept her fringe back with black bobby pins. When she went everywhere in her sarong kebaya and sandals and kerosang. When her eyes were still huge and sparkly. When she could still carry me in her arms and make me feel so loved.

Although physically she is now a shadow of her former self, I believe she still has spunk, spirit and gusto somewhere deep down in her.

She "fought" with the nurses in hospital the other day. So I'm sure she still has lots of spirit in her.

Keep fighting Granny!

Maiden visit to Tampines

We brought Little Baby back home to my parents' place yesterday.

It was her first time there and she must have been a little bewildered. She was strangely still and quiet but very alert when I first stepped into the house. She was snuggled up close to me but her eyes were looking all around at the new surroundings and of course also at her grandparents who were fawning over her.

I'm glad she takes to others carrying her. Dad, Mum, Adrian and Mei all took turns carrying her and she ddn't fuss at all. Good!

Soon she'll be heading there more often I guess.

Metamorphosis. Post-partum.

And so the physical changes are still taking place...albeit very very slowly. Some for the better, some for the worse.

• The tummy's shrinking ever so slightly BUT, it's still there. To think I used to pride myself for having a moderately flat tummy. Now I can't fit into many of my form-fitting clothes anymore but like most women, I'll still keep them in my wardrobe as "motivation". Wishful thinking? We shall see!! Lol...this seriously limits my workwear now though...hmm....I have not tried putting on my skinnies...prolonging the moment of truth I guess? *wails* And CNY is around the corner too. 4kg more to lose to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. Fighting!
• The discolourations are still there. Some areas have faded just a little but they are mostly still there. Unsightly dark patches on the skin, thankfully, most of these patches remain hidden underneatth my clothes....
• My cheeks have started to get itchy, which is not good. It is the same feeling I had back in 2011 when a dermatologist said I had acne rash...I'm also getting more bumps on the skin in that area. I'm hoping my medicated facial wash will keep my skin under control...*fingers crossed*
• The dreaded C-word has wormed its way into my life. I mean, it already did previously but even more so now. Cellulite. I hate you.
• My eyes seem to be quite sensitive now. I can't wear my contact lenses for too long. Maybe I've been in specs for too long already, almost 2 full months of not wearing lenses and the eyeballs have gotten used to not having a lens over them. I used to wear lenses for more than 12 hours each working day. Now I can't last more than 4hours....:(
• My feet have gone back to their usual size and shape though. They are no longer swolen from water retention and I can wear all my shoes again!

Please go back to sleep darling

The little one seems quite content in my arms now, at 5am, after fussing for the last hour and a half. She sure knows how to choose the "best" times for fussing. Zzzzz.

Granny

Granny was discharged from hospital yesterday afternoon. 

And I thank the Lord for that. 

She's at her thinnest ever I think. Sigh. 

Fuzzy Wuzzy

You know your brain is quite muddle-fuddled from lack of sleep when, at 445am in the morning while trying to put a struggling, fussy and wide-awake baby to sleep, you start thinking about the most random of things and feeling a little sorry for an acquaintance who happens to be named Penny. 

I can imagine the taunts and ribbings she might have gone through during her school years. I mean, I went through a phase when silly hormonal teenage boys kept saying to me "Michelle, do you know where my pen is?" (Translation: pen is = penis)

I mean. 

"Do you know where Penny's pen is?"

Wonder if she went through it. Hmm..,

Growing up

"Sometimes, you have to shut up, swallow your pride and accept that you are wrong. It's not called giving up. It's called growing up."

Siphoned this off a friend's Facebook status.  

I wonder how many people can do this? 

And yes, it gets harder to do this the older you get. 

This past week

This past week has been...not sure how to describe it...

There's the rigour of looking after Little Baby.

And the various health scares she gave us.

And then Mum wasn't feeling well and even went A&E twice. 

And today, Granny was warded for urinary tract infection and a mild heart attack. 

Sigh. 

Dad has been running around. I hope he's doing ok. 

May God bless my family and keep them safe and sound. 

There's a first time for everything

Changing a soiled diaper for a squirming and screaming baby in a moving car. At 9am on a Monday morning on the CTE amidst the morning traffic.

Sibei challenging! lol...

But I did it! 

4G

One of my wishes has been fulfilled.

We brought Little Baby to visit her great-grandmother this morning. Dad was there as well and I made sure we took a photo for posterity. 4 generations in one pic. 

It was regrettable though that the oldest was half asleep. She saw the little one but probably couldn't and didn't register in her mind that this is her youngest great-grandchild. Heck, she couldn't even recognise Dad and I. The youngest too was sleeping and didn't really "see" who her great-grandma is.

Well, at least they've "met". And I am very glad for that.

Fiak

Rant post.

Patience wearing thin. Feeling very very stifled today. The room seems to be getting smaller. Too many hands. Too many voices. Too much noise. Too much of others trying to be in control or attempting to "help". Too many unspoken words hidden in other words. Need to vent. Right now the only avenue is this virtual space. Wishing really badly that I was alone in the house with just the little one. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed really jars up the system. God grant me patience. 

Wahlan.

NB NB NB NB NB NB. 

Ahhhhhh Shitfuck.

What's the point of saying "call me if you need help?" when you don't mean it? I don't call and you still come up anyway. So what's the friggin point of saying it? 

There, I feel slightly better. I think.

One of those days

This is one of those days where you wake up feeling less than ideal - physically, mentally and emotionally.

But hey, life still needs to go on. The little one still needs to be cared for. People (read: in-laws) still need to be managed. My own parents still need my concern. Personal administrative things still need to be done. And, the list goes on.....

Ganbatte.

Fighting.

Jiayou.

!!!

P/s: looking like shit. Can't remember the last time I remembered to apply face moisturizer...or body moisturizer for that matter. Personal grooming has taken a backseat for now and the nest on my head seems to have morphed into a wavy mop.

Confinement Nanny

Feeling amused, touched, grateful and loved all at the same time.

The confinement nanny, Auntie Chiew Fong, left about a week ago. Her daughter works in sales and regularly drives into Singapore to deliver goods to her clients. Today auntie followed her daughter into Singapore and since she was in SG, she decided to give me a ring. Sort of as a follow-up to see how I am and how the little one is doing. 

She ended the call with "那你多多保重啊!"

So sweet lah...excellent customer service with after-sales support haha. 

Either that or she's feeling grateful that I recommended 2 friends to her or perhaps my angpow to her was generous? Lol...

Musings from a new parent

- You can't really consider yourself a parent yet unless you've been vomitted on, peed on, drooled on, farted at, sneezed at and...(insert other bodily excretions).

- You're disheveled half the time. Sorry, make that all the time.

- When your little one falls asleep in your arms, you feel like you're the greatest person in the world.

- When your little one gets extremely agitated and you can't do anything to soothe or alleviate whatever discomfort she is facing, you feel like the shittiest failure in the world. 

- You cringe when you hear others speaking and coo-ing in high-pitched baby talk, but you yourself somehow end up morphing into baby-talk mode as well. Oh well, double standards. ;p

- You suddenly discover a whole new creative side of yourself you never knew existed. And it usually appears right at those desperate moments when you're trying to entertain/distract/calm/soothe/pacify your little one. 

- You find the minutes, hours and days slipping by more quickly than they ever did before. 

- You never knew you could go on even when you're doggone tired and your lids are falling shut.

- You realise that most, if not all, mothers somehow naturally band/bond together. It's an unwritten code, an invisible glue of sorts. "I understand what you're going through. I've been through it. You'll get through it like how we all did. Hugs." 

Yay!

It's Tuesday today. Glad to say this: Yay! We survived a week without the confinement nanny already!

Many trying and tiring moments for K and I, but we're roughing it out together and that's what counts. 

Special shout-out to my mum who has provided much help too.

脸色差

当然啦，心里现在抱着不满，埋怨，愤怒， 不耐烦，等等不开心的feeling。。。

也有打抱不平的感觉。。。

害得我现在也睡不着。

也许，我的tipping point/boiling point 要到了。

News at 3am

Nanny forgot about my expressed milk and didn't feed it to the little one. Had to throw it away...:(

Wasted effort in pumping, Sigh. Sibei sad. 

"Control Freak"

The partial definition, pieced together from various sources, of which is:

Control freaks rarely know that they are one. They believe they are helping with their "constructive criticism" or taking over a project because "no one will do it right". They don't see their controlling behaviors as symptoms of what's really going on - their own anxieties running amok. 

In some cases, the control freak sees their constant intervention as beneficial or even necessary; this can be caused by feelings of separation or departure from one whom loved, believing that others are incapable of handling matters properly, or the fear that things will go wrong if they do not attend to every detail. 

In other cases, they may simply enjoy the feeling of power it gives them so much that they automatically try to gain control of everything and everyone around them.

Core elements of a controlling or bossy person include a lack of trust in others and their abilities, a feeling of superiority, a need to criticize and a liking of power. They tend to think they are entitled to being in charge and to bossing around others. 

If they are disrespectful, arrogant in tone, pushy and dictatorial, this is a sign that the person is controlling rather than requesting, negotiating and respecting. 

Keep going

"If you're going through hell, keep going. " - Winston Churchill

This was on a friend's FB status. 

Winston Churchill made this remark during WW2, when the UK was facing uncertainty about the war, with Nazi Germany conquering France. So in that context, in the face of adversity, have faith, hope and confidence in yourself. :)

I like this quote. 

Quite timely too. 

Midnight Gasp

Tmd! Supply dwindling again??!!

Now I have to restart the 3-hourly expressing again?? 

Mega bleah. 

Hope

I hope we manage to teach, guide and care for our child the way we intend to.

Others may have their own thoughts about how we should do things, but I do hope that they also respect our ideas, views and decisions made for OUR child. Not his, not hers, not theirs. OUR child.  

Going forward, I hope things will be followed through based on the parameters we set. If not, things will get ugly. 

Afternoon musings

Wonder if a person's lack of trust in the ability of others is the cause of bossiness in the same said person. 

But I do think that a person's lack of trust in the ability of others definitely exacerbates the said person's bossiness. 

*pant*

Challenging day so far. And it's only 2pm. Was thrown some curveballs as well. Great opportunities for learning although I still suck big-time at things.

Nvm, bring it on!! 

要拼才会赢!!

Fighting!!

-_-""

她要睡觉了你还一直跟她大声说话，哪她怎么睡得着??? 后来哭了又是让你抱走...zzz

Awkward Conversations

Filipino helper just walked in on me expressing my milk. By now I'm immune to flashing my chest at any and all ladies. While her English is passable, sometimes it is still hard to understand her.

She: Mam, small. *points vaguely at my belly/chest area*

Me: Huh? U mean my belly is getting smaller?

She: No. Small. *points to my chest and the breast pump*

Me: ???

She: Small, milk. 

Me: ???

We kind of switched topics after this because she couldn't convey her thought and I couldn't comprehend her. 

But. There can only be two ways to interpret "Small, milk". 

One, she's trying to say my boobs are small. If so, fml. 

Two, she's trying to say I have little milk flow. In which case, fml too. 

Hmmm....

The DWM

And the Double-Word Monologue starts again:

"Oh taking your bath-bath ah?"

"No need to cry-cry lah"

"Auntie wipe-wipe you only lah"

"Auntie help you clean-clean, no need to cry-cry ok!"

"You will smell nice-nice after this!"

"Okok, dry-dry now"

"Do you need to burp-burp?"

"Nai-nai carry-carry ok?"

"Do you need to poot-poot?"

"You look so sweet ah, soooo sweet-sweet"

"Cannot put you down is it, wait you cry-cry again ah?"

"Don't need to be so upset-upset lah"

"Do you want to eat-eat?"

"Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh"

Ohm...God grant me patience.

Monologue

"You want to drink milk-milk ah?"

"Why you cry-cry so much?"

"Give you drop-drop you want?"

"Okok, burp-burp you now ok?"

"You're so sweet-sweet lah"

"Give you milk-milk already"

"Why so upset-upset?"

"Are you hot-hot?"

"Are you cold-cold?" 

"你热-热啊?"

"Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh"

Sigh. The baby's trying to drink. Disturbing the baby with so much one-way dialogue is not going to help. Grammatically wrong and weird double-words will not help too.....

Oh yes, patting the baby's stomach and head while she is trying to drink will not help too! Sigh. 

累了

Feeling appreciative

Grateful and thankful for all the gifts and visits from friends and relatives.

I've got many many boxes of bird's nest and essence of chicken now. If I open all the boxes of essence of chicken, I think there'd be at least 100-120 individual bottles....not counting the 20 bottles I've thereabouts already consumed so far. 

And the little girl now has many many booties lol. And more additions to her (burgeoning) wardrobe. 

Storage seems to be an inevitable and upcoming challenge for us lol....

On leave...by right

But "by left"....there are still some work-related questions being directed my way. Not that I am complaining, for it gives me something concrete to focus on and it stops my brain from becoming mush. It'll probably keep me on track too, easier for me to get back into the daily work grind after my maternity leave is up. 

Tired

All I feel like doing now is to have a good deep sleep.

This is probably a period when I'm at my most drab. Few have seen me like this. Only close friends and family maybe. But in the last 2 weeks, everyone has seen me in this state - sans make-up, with thick glasses on, chapped lips, white and blackheads in their full uncovered glory, greasy hair in a ponytail with stray strands falling out of it, unplucked brows, exposed nursing bra straps, unshaved legs, dark eye rings, and of course....wearing my worn-out tattered FBT shorts. 

Strangely, I don't care. Or maybe I'm too tired to care about how I look to these visitors. 

This is the raw me. 

.....

The feeling of rejection has never been greater. 

Happy Two Weeks Precious Girl

How time flies.

Your cheeks have grown chubbier.

You're still as feisty. 

You've developed more facial expressions.

Your hair's turning a lighter shade.

Your toes are still wriggling all the time.

Your face is getting more squarish.

You're liking the music from the cot mobile now. 

You still don't enjoy bathing.

And daddy and mummy love you even more each day. 

This Morning

Horror is when

You accidentally drop the milk bottle

Without its cover on

Sadness is when

You know the milk bottle contains 

Your own milk

Exasperation is when

You find that you need to clean the floor 

And squat with your still slightly aching wound

Relief is when

You realise that the milk bottle

Contains only 10ml of your milk (and not 80ml)

Thankfulness is when

You realise that you still have 

Enough supply to pump out for your child

Acceptance is when

You tell yourself that this is just a tiny incident

Get a grip and move on

6 different emotions

Fleeting by all within 3 seconds 

Such is life

Periphery

The edge

The outskirts

The outer boundary 

The shadows

The sidelines

The perimeter

The brink

The verge 

The outermost 

Me-time Thoughts

Too much noise

Too many people

Too many hands 

Too much for 

This introvert me

Need a peaceful

Sanctuary of sorts

K, N and I 

Three of us

Still a dream 

To be fulfilled

I Wonder...

By the time my confinement ends...

- How many litres of longan-red date-ginger tea I would have consumed.

- How many kampong chickens were used to cook my meals or to make soup for me.

- How many cups of brown rice were used for my meals.

- How many kilograms of ginger, red dates, black dates, dried longans and lemongrass were used to make my meals, drinks and bathing water. 

- How many eggs were used for my daily breakfast.

- How many millilitres of Martel VSOP were used to brew soups for me.

- How many bottles of chicken essence I consumed. 

- How many cups of Milo I consumed. 

- How many slices of ngor hee, cod and sang yu fish slices I had

As a New Mum

You come to realise several things:

1. Every drop counts. This has never taken on more meaning for me than it has now that I am breastfeeding and expressing milk.

2. Everyone wants a piece of the action, be it just seeing and touching the baby, or taking care of the baby, or feeding the baby, or cleaning the baby, ....

3. The number of people I've physically exposed myself to over the last 11 days is way way way more than the number of people who have seen me naked/semi-naked in my entire life. Flashing my boobs to others while breastfeeding or expressing milk in the house (except my FIL of course) seems the norm these days. 

4. Frustration, being upset and having some form of helplessness sets in pretty easily. I guess the phenomenon of postnatal blues is true, especially in the first 2 weeks after delivery. Trying to keep a positive and calmer mindset, although external factors are difficult to control. 

5. While it is perplexing not being able to understand your baby's cries and trying to learn how to care for your baby, seeing your baby smile or sleep peacefully in her cot is enough to shoo away any negativities there might be. 

6. While there are guidelines, advice and suggestions, ultimately a lot of things are based on gut feel, and trial and error. It becomes a perpetual on-the-job-training, which makes sense in a way, since it is a lifelong responsibility raising a child. 

Wise Words

照顾baby要有三个心：爱心， 耐心，专心。

- Auntie Chiew Fong, the super confinement nanny

So so true. Maybe I'll add on another 心：恒心

Happy Birthday

17 October 2013.

My 33rd birthday must be my most memorable ever, although it was spent quietly at home. Well-wishes and greetings from friends and family warmed my heart and I received 2 surprises at the same time. Dear K got a red velvet cake for me and it was adorned with pretty red rose buds on the top. Ally and PQ arranged for a lovely bouquet with purple-pink roses to be sent to me and it was accompanied by a cheese and salted caramel cake.

And of course, I gave myself a big present this year too. Went through some   hardship getting the present "delivered". Pun intended. BUT, it was well worth it. :) 

呼吸

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空

深呼吸一下

小事，没事

The Arrival

It was like how I remembered it to be. During the brain op back in 2005, I wasn't wearing specs when they wheeled me towards the operating theatre. I remembered feeling dizzy looking at the bright corridor lights above me.

It was the same this time round on the morning of 9 Oct 2013. Rows of white fluorescent lights flashed by in a blurry line above me while I lay in a trolley bed and the attendants wheeled me past corners, into lifts and past corridors. 

I was put in a holding area, more nurses and attendants came by, all asking the same questions. "What is your name?" " What is your IC number?" And then they would slip back into their own hospital speak to update each other on what or where I was supposed to be going through next. I had to sign some documents, all of which I can't remember what they were about. There were cheery, sincere, friendly nurses and docs, there was a fair share of stoic, rigid, straight-faced nurses and docs as well. 

The experience in the actual OT room was vastly different though. I was awake this time round, very fully aware of the large number of people in the room, the beepings of the monitoring equipments, the clanking of the operation tools, the very bright lights above the operation table, the very very cold air, the sound of people putting on surgical gloves, the sound of the main doc issuing instructions, the buzz of an electric shaver, the light banter between the docs and nurses and whoever else was in there....

I was given two jabs into my spine to numb me from the tummy area to my toes. I was given a shave down there. Different people were working on various parts of me. I was bombarded with questions and updates all at the same time. It was overwhelming. All I wanted to tell them was "Can you all stop making so much noise? I need space, give me space. I am feeling claustrophobic now. I am scared." 

Scary could be a word to describe the experience. Traumatising seems exaggerated so maybe overwhelming might be more appropriate. 

I did not feel the blade when they cut into me. But I could feel the swaying. My body was swaying from left to right when they made the incision. I remember telling them I felt nauseous and breathless. And I remembered someone saying it was a normal reaction to the anaesthetic. Some other lady told me to relax. Someone stuck a syringe into my drip plug and left it crudely sticking out from the plug. Someone else adjusted a wire snaking up my arm and onto my chest. I recognized my gynae's voice and he was telling me that they needed to push down on my belly. 

Push they did. I felt my belly emptying and the next thing I knew was that I heard the loudest baby cry ever. It filled the entire OT room and more and it kept on going. Someone above my head said "Congratulations." Someone else further away commented "Wow that's loud." Someone said "Female." And then Little Baby's genitalia was thrust into my view and then whisked away again. 

Someone else made her way to the side of my head and introduced herself and told me that my baby would be placed on me for skin to skin contact. 

And then suddenly, she was plonked onto my chest. This squirmy and somewhat sticky little thing, with blinking eyes and scratchy fingers. 

I thought I would cry the first time I saw her but I didn't. The speed and intensity at which things happened probably didn't give me time to react emotionally. I often wondered what my reaction would be and what I would say to her. 

In the end, I only managed a cheesy "Hello Little Baby". And I wondered if she heard it because I still had on my oxygen mask. 

I held her. She's so soft and small and red, I thought to myself. She was squirming and made little mewing and squealing sounds. She had long fingernails and was scratching at my chest. And then it hit me, she had a full head of fluffy, luscious, wavy hair! 

Welcome to this world Little Baby. Our little Nadya. Daddy and Mummy love you. 

The Month of October

October is usually a significant month for me, mainly because my birthday falls within this month. Two years ago, it took on an extra significance because K and I had our ROM on 8 Oct 2011. And now, October takes on an even greater significance for me because our precious little girl was born on 9 Oct 2013.

The other good thing to happen this October was that I got promoted at work. My boss called it a "double happiness" and that he "engineered" the timing of the promotion to help me celebrate the arrival of my little one. Lol...his uncle humour is so cute at times. 

Sweet K

Touched to the max. K was supposed to head home tonight and then call me when he settled down. He was supposed to come again to the hospital tomorrow morning at 7-plus. I waited for a long time but he didn't call. And then suddenly he appeared at my bedside in the ward again, armed with an overnight bag this time round. *touched*

Nobody stopped him from coming in to the wards anyway and so he settled down into the chair next to my bed and tried to get to sleep. Unfortunately though, an auntie nurse came by an hour later to shoo him away...:( 

Now poor K has to sleep outside in the general area...

Last nice meal before confinement begins

Well, Mac was the easiest craving to indulge in before I started my fast at 11pm on Tues night. :) Thanks to K who ordered it in for me.

Preggy Homer?

Can't help but feel there's a slight (physical/bodily) similarity between Homer Sompson and me at this point in time...hmm. :)

Wish I could sleep as soundly as him though. 

Awake

Tired. But I can't seem to sleep again. Been flipping around for the last 2-plus almost 3 hours, alternating between trying to sleep and fiddling with my phone.

Little Baby's squirming around. I can feel her ever so often. Maybe she knows d-day is drawing very near.

Oh Bleah, may the sweet whispers of sleep find me soon...

All set

Am loving the yellow hues and of course the lovely little bunny. :) 

Good news on a Friday morning

Dad called me excitedly this morning. From his voice, I could tell he was very happy and most probably had a huge grin on his face. :) 

He was at my granny's place and it seemed that she was much more alert today. She could recognize him although she was still not talking. When he showed her pictures of Adrian, Marc and I, she nodded. She actually had the presence of mind to point to the chair to get my Dad to sit down and she could also feed herself today. 

I was so happy to hear about all these. :D 

Wish I had been there to witness this. 

Go Mama go! 

Of books

I'm sorry Mr Lee. I respect you and all but your book is rather dry to me (I've only managed to read till page 20) and I've decided to switch to Mr Gladwell's book for the time being.

Maybe next time I'll give your book a try again ok? No hard feelings ya. :) 

Je veux me coucher mais....

I'm tired but wide awake again. Sleep eludes me somehow. My eyelids are heavy and I've tried closing them for at least the past hour-plus. To no avail. 

I hope I won't be groggy throughout the entire day tomorrow, like how I was today. 

Wonder if counting sheep helps. 

One little lamb

Two little lambs

Three little lambs 

.......

.....

....

..