mutter mutter...

received a call this afternoon...touched...devina...apparently she saw my blog and found out about the op..then gave me a buzz to chk out things are going..haa...sweet...simply sweet....put a smile on my face despite the bad day i was having...

=============
changed my msn sub-nick to "small thing blow big or big thing blow small"...didn't think much about it till ah-heng msg-ed me...haha..then i realissed..oh ya hor...sounds kinda crude..haha...changed it immediately....well..what i wanted to convey was this.."making a mountain out of a molehill or making a molehill out of a mountain"...

hmm....fodder for thought...

=============
had a nice dinner and chat session with lydia n ginger...haa...gossip gossip....=D

... ... ...

once the precedence has been set..does that mean it's ok for expectations to be of that same level... a year down the road? does that mean that there's no room for slack? or does that mean that expectations should be even higher cos the committment is stronger?

trying my best not to repeat what happened last year. What an anti-climax. TRYING is the key word..but things are not turning out like what I expected..who's to say? definitely not me. feel abit agitated.

felt maligned on 16th sept 2004...partly my fault, and definitely not entirely. but nevertheless, I was still blasted at big time. and as 16th sept 2005 approaches...well...sighz...trying is the keyword..but am directionless. abit give up..just tell me what to do, where to go...and i'll just do so...

or am i just a petty piece of shit who also does not like to share?

vexed
to the max

yada yada...

wanted to blog last night...had things to say...had stuff to mention...then the dumb server had something wrong...couldn't even get to sign in at all..fed-up...now..cun even remember what I wanted to say....

just that i'm a busy bee this week again...yesterday was my last photoshop class..kinda felt a tiny sense of achievement that i managed to "dong" and actually completed the course albeit it being just a short short course...

touched..haa...after my class last night..ah kok came from bishan, picked me up and sent me home...then went airport to fetch his wife...

=====================
feel like a dumb ass. just made the same mistake again...don't know how to say no..now i have a lunch date..with someone i feel i dun have the energy to go n entertain or bother with..hope he doesn't tok too much crap to jarr my nerves...hmm..so bad...he treats me real nice as a friend..was there to cheer me up when i was down n out....okok...will strive to be a good friend too...sigh...ganbatte-ne...

=====================
getting shacked out..walking around with droopy lids...everyday seems to be a blur..just whizzing by...get up..go to work..then after work..there's just so many appointments and meet-ups and gatherings to go to..esp when so many pple want to cram themselves into my schedule before D-day...

=====================
looking forward to friday...taking leave...envision it to be a slow lazy day with ahboy...

lost in the lalang...

the past few days have been a blur...been busy...

hmm..friday night..in the end..had dinner with James Heng..and then drinks with HB...You can call me 贱。But well..sigh..after all the kao-beh-ing...things turned out that way...and I still went for drinks with him...

saturday..got up and managed to get my butt into office for ICP launch...zombied my way around the whole day...haa..met up with ahboy in the evening...unexpected..but it made my day...watched "50 first dates" in the comfort of my room...heaven...never done this before actually..haa...been thinking abt him on n off for the whole day today...

sunday...was a lazy lazy day..spent my whole day sleeping....and generally doing nothing...and well....this morning...got up super early...to get to Yishun for the Maxtor thingy...managed to catch 40mins of winks enroute to BMSDC...

and well..stoned the whole day n office..haa....wondering how I'm ever gonna tahan till 930pm tonight.........i need toothpicks....to hold up my lids........

Wake Me Up When September Ends

...or when it's ending...

27th Sept..D-day...two and a half more weeks to go..think i'll literally wake up from the GA late on the 27th itself...and be stuck in ICU for at least 2 more days...which makes it....almost end of sept..

waiting...just waiting...

But when the time comes...

There are so many things
I come across daily
Which I wanna share with you
At the end of the day

But when the time comes
I forget all about it
Or am too tired to remember

There are other times
After I experience something
When I just wanna sms you
To share my joy or sadness

But when the time comes
I'm afraid of disturbing you
And that sms message remains purely in my mind

There are times too
When I am all ready, set, go
To hear you and speak to you
Just before I hit the sack

But when the time comes
It's an anti-climax cos you're a step ahead
And already snuggled up

There are instances
When I'm alone
I think of all which I wanna say to you
And all which I wanna blast at you

But when the time comes
Somehow all those words
Are beyond me
And my throat all but utters nothing

Argh. It's frustrating.
... ... ... ... ... ...

tired & pissed off

tamade dulan. sms, no reply. msn, no reply. sms again, no reply. it's always the same thing. it's no wonder why things didn't work out between us last time. AT ALL. fuck off for all i care. if cannot meet, just say cannot meet. if busy, just say busy. dun leave me hanging like a bloody rabbit. this thing was said like days ago. till now never confirm anything. i'm not a beck and call either.

swear i'm so bloody bloody pissed. pissed to point my throat's constricting on me.

====================
am tired. dragged myself home after class. and just collapsed on the bed..amidst my bag and jacket and pillows...then dozed off for like 20 minutes..jerked awake and forced myself up for a bathe..feel better now...in terms of cleanliness but not in terms of mood though..tmr will be another busy day preparing for ICP launch...

little things...

whilst standing amidst the battlezone on the MRT this rainy morning...i saw a sight that kept me amused from Tampines till Eunos...there was this lady..prolly in her mid-twenties...plain-looking, complexion not so good...was doing her make-up in the train...the full works man..started off with concealer..dabbing here n there...holding onto her anna sui compact powder mirror...followed by the powder itself...more dabbings...then blusher....then eyeshadow...then lipgloss...

was wondering whether she'll be putting on mascara...on a moving train..and voila, she whipped out her mascara and started applying it...wow..really admire her steady hands man..haa...

================
besieged by rattlings from the moment i stepped into office..left, right, up, down, centre...my MP3 player has become my source of refuge...and my faithful companion in times of need...listening to kevin kern now...soft n soothing..appropriate for a rainy, dozy, lazy day like this...

damn..how to get the rattling to stop???? *help*...as it is, i'm already sitting here quietly doing my stuff..then i get dragged into conversations...i've already given a face to show i dun wanna tok...that i just want to sit here n do my job. argh.

================
realised that i can just take a glance at him and it'll bring me a funny little warmth..or a silly grin... =)

my own abode...*dreamz*

yearning for a place of my own..yeah, i know... mummy dearest won't be there to fuss over me..food won't be readily available..i'll have to pay for my own PUB bills...i'll have to kill roaches myself...i'll have to clean my own toilet bowl..and scrub my own grime off the toilet walls..not that i haven't done it before..hell.. hostel took up 3 years of my life...think i can handle it..

hmm..2 years time..is that realistic? ..I dunno...think i'm just blardy hell day-dreaming..can't be leaving them here in this house..and moving out on my own..unless of cos i'm a mrs so-and-so by then...still...it pays to dream...even if it's fleeting happiness, it still holds a vision of where you wanna be...self-delusion some may say...but well..i love to dream...

my own sanctuary..white tiled floors (would love parquet but it's too high maintenance)...cream curtains..cream leather sofa (faux perhaps? haa..)...dark brown wooden furniture..small cute kitchen with a grey fridge..a whole load of cabinets to store pots n pans, food, etc..and a fantastic stove system..a counter top..and a side section walled with bricks to give it a homely feel..

part of the living room area doubling up as a chill-out area for friends during gatherings.. complete with brown-coloured tatamis and comfy red cushions or beanbags..a low dark brown coffee table long and zen-like....clean lines and simple angles..clean-cut and easy to maintain..definitely a mini audio system for one who can't do without music..a mini balcony with a small section cordoned off for yet another chill-out area..perchance with a small side table for smoking friends to lay their ciggies..and this would be where my pet chihuahua would play her day away...hmm..even possible to have a hanging cocoon chair hanging from the ceiling..those kind which can suspend in mid-air, held by a chain attahced to the ceiling...

the bedroom..ah..a lovely queen-sized bed occupies the centre of the room..with a dark brown wardrobe lining one of the side walls...comes with sliding doors for easy access...dark brown dressing table..huge mirror..haa...light brown curtains...with mini motifs/patterns...need not be fanciful..ikea sells wonderful fix-it-up-yourselves type of curtain railings... there needs to be a mini TV in the room for snuggle-up days when you don't feel like leaving the bed..the bed needs to have a comforter, quilt cover..whatever you name it...i love to snuggle up and hide under the covers...

the attached bathroon..beige non-slip tiled flooring..would love a bathtub but quite ex..haa...simple shower will do too..glass partition to separate the shower...light brown or beige toilet bowl..same colour for the sink..mirror lining and towel railings to be same colour too...yada yada...

gosh...the mechanics of the mind..am dead tired..perhaps that's why i'm hallucinating about all these...tsk tsk..signing off.

love at first sight?

front page main feature article in sunday life today...talking about how some couples met and fell in love at first sight..and how these couples really love each other and are still married to each other after 10 years...blar blar..how they knew he/she was THE ONE just by that first glance...

asked ahboy just now..what were his thoughts when he first laid eyes on me? si gin na..gave a huge groan like i just asked a dumbass question and said he couldn't remember cos it was so long ago and said it was duh to ask such questions....very long ago meh?? 1.5 yrs...ok mah...what was supposed to be a romantic question turned out to be a stick-in-the-mud type of thing..sometimes i wonder why do i even bother to ask if i know i will end up just slamming myself against the wall...sigh, can't one allow herself some hope of at least some romance anymore?

well.. perhaps i'm the sucker for romance...the one who dreams of castles in the air..the sentimental one...cos i still remember catching his eyes when i was walking past the counter out of the office...he was behind the counter..in the dark blue jacket..and when i walked past, he looked up...bingo..gazes locked...and my little heart was zapped to the core..

exhilaration, shyness, excitement, heart pumping, curiosity...u name it... :)

...mortality...

small world...was leafing through janice's blog and just popped over to see her bf's blog too. discovered tt he knew fengji too and even left a memorial entry for him...and i even saw chloe's comment on one of his blog entries....SG=small small world..someone invariably knows somebody else...

the memorial blog was...how should i say it? not particularly touching. nor was it particularly emotional. but it managed to hit my heartstrings. tygrr, being the good writer that he is...penned down his thoughts so clearly, i felt i was one with him.

it's true, what would prompt a young 23yr-old to end his life? he had a great future ahead of him..he was in his final year of studies....what great problem confounded him to such an extent? could he not have sought the help of others? what was it that troubled him so greatly that he could not even share with those closest to him? he was the only son and just a semester away from graduating with honours..

such is life..the fragility of it..i have not had any experience of anyone close to me who has passed on. with the exception of zain and uncle benny who both died of cancer..reading that entry has somehow opened up a cupboard of thoughts which i shelved long ago...thoughts that yes, someday..soon maybe...my granny will move on...how will i take it? how will i react to it?

i remember a night, very long ago...when adrian was 18 or 19 and i was just 14 or so..he came into my room, all red-eyed and puffy..sniffing nose..asked him what's wrong..and he asked me.."Have you ever thought of when mama would die?" i was young, i was ignorant. of course i knew the facts of mortality but it was definitely not one of the things one would give heed to at that age. i told him no..and also, i didn't know how to comfort him, my big strong brother who was sniffling..he walked out of my room..

it was only much later that i could grasp the significance of it all..and understood what he was thinking about..and that same question was running through my head when she was hospitalised last year...and it was running through my head just now when i was reading that entry...

told ahboy about this last year when i was having those thoughts..and being the practical realist that he is..all he said was... aiyah.. these kind of things can't be helped one mah...think so much now for what? yada yada....damn, tearducts are gearing up for action again...

one of those silly things..

Your Birthdate: October 17

Your birth on the 17th day of the month suggests that you are very lucky financially, because this date indicates a solid business sense. Although you are probably very honest and ethical, this birthday enables you to be shrewd and successful in the world of business and commercial enterprise. You have excellent organizational, managerial, and administrative capabilities enabling you to handle large projects and significant amounts of money with relative ease. You are ambitious and highly goal-oriented, although you may be better at starting projects than you are at finishing them. A sensitivity in your nature, often repressed below the surface of awareness, makes it hard to give or receive affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

bullshit..tried a few of these things before already..and they all say similar things...but i don't see it being apparent in real life....the only thing accurate is probably the part about being honest and ethical..and perhaps paragraph 3..but paragraph 3 only reminds me of my heydays in hostel as a Dinner and Dance chairperson..and nothing else.

stoned, bruised and battered saturday...

abit of an exaggeration..but well..I really have some bruises la...haa...both my forearms and both wrist areas..was trying my best at beach volleyball..ahboy and kel being my shifus...bruised right foot too..playing beach soccer for awhile..haa...found myself panting heavily and having abosolutely zilch ball sense...(hmm..unless you're talking about ahem..other types...haahaaa...)

had a simply spicy dinner at Thai Express..been a long while since I had Thai food..kinda refreshing..was actually hoping that perhaps we might pop by Tiong Bahru...gian to eat my chwee kueh...and cheng ting...been a long time..

Hung around PS and the whole bunch of us just zombied arouond in Carrefour for pretty long..went though every aisle..haa..nice to just do such brainless stuff..non-zapping to the brain..

====================

It gets disappointing when things done or things said are not reciprocated..or am i just a self-centered bitch who's being too picky?

friday's summary...

Started the day by being dragged into a 3-hr meeting for WSH..well..the monkey can really talk and talk and talk...couldn't believe it..one thing lead to another..which lead to yet other stuff still..

Lunch in the pantry was abit of a chore yday..eardrums were bursting..and i think i looked pretty bored...wonder if anyone noticed? i was trying to keep the decibel level down...to no avail of course...

And last night was a blur haha..went for the SUN DnD....and well..think Steve looked pretty good...didn't get to talk to him though..and felt abit insignificant when Val gave me a cursory greeting...ah well, perhaps she was busy...Spent some time with radio gossipping about some people's clothing..hmm..to be frank..sometimes dunno what to do but just listen and smile..hypocrital? *wonders*...

Left early to rush to meet win & kok..=) haha...tried to find a nice pub which was not too smoky and which was "expectant-mothers" friendly...ahhaa...felt like the 3 dumb stooges..walking up and down circular road...finally settled for La Samba..a small joint..not atas at all but not too cheesy either...(plus point which was to be discovered ltr in the night, they play David Tao & Jacky Cheung songs....=p)

talked rot with win n the uncle for more than an hour before ahsan n wife came...wife was okay mah..but well..words of exagerration are to be taken with a pinch of salt..and a huge discount..chloe n jen came ltr..=) didn't dua me..haha...

kilkenny..woohoo...gave in to temptation and just whack..took 2 mugs yday..more than what i've ever taken since i started my medication..was considering whether to take a 3rd mug..but by then it was already almost time to go home...not to mention that dad already sms-ed me to nag at me...yeah, naughty naughty..can't wait for things to get well..and get my health back..then can stay out late and booze till silly...when will that day come?...

slow afternoon...

melancholy in mid-afternoon....comes with the weather? i dunno.

should have brought my MP3 today. Need to shut out alot of noise around me..absolutely distracting...and well..someone's giving me a headache...yakking non-stop loudly..there should be a volume control. Did God consider that when he created us? Gosh...another voice has come up...

Missed my lunch date with the rest cos me, win n zen stuck in a meeting..lunch outing cancelled..abit upset..thought we could have a nice little gathering..think next week plan again..sigh..if i have the energy...

Trying to settle meet-ups with people..b4 i go for my hiatus..left jason and mj...maybe can jio chief out for makan or something too, since he 'complained' to crowey that i never go and look for him...haa...

so funny..lilac just asked if i was dressed to kill..haaa..

i've got cracked heels...dry feet...callouses...man oh man...need to do some serious work here...

... ... ...

Started 1st September and ended 1st Sept on a not so good note...ah well..we move on to better days ahead...

Didn't expect this week to be a busy week..but well..it turned out to be..am out everyday of the week..think mum, dad n gran don't recognise me anymore..think the only day for rest would be Sunday? Next week is gonna be busy too...Am looking forward to tonight's chill-out session though...=) and the manhattan lunch..

Just wondering if the dream was a form of betrayal?

Evaluating my job status..don't think i will switch this year...next year? hmm...

Somehow blogging has morphed into a seemingly weird way of letting me jot down my frequently random thoughts...and for letting me vent my anger, disappointment, hurt n frustrations too...Wanna write more but think my brain's fried for today..kinda zapped out from everything...

*zzz*

dream big?

dream big..

I wanna be an archaelogist...solving mysteries and finding the roots of civilisation...
I wanna be a rockstar...and have millions of fans screaming with me, for me...
I wanna be a tai-tai...and live the high life everyday...
I wanna be a glamourpuss...dressed to the nines and having guys fawn over me...

I wanna be a zookeeper...taking care of the other creatures living on earth...
I wanna be the world's loveliest bride..resplendent and pure and beautiful...
I wanna be the world's greatest mum..who knows no boundaries when it comes to her children..
I wanna be a banker..and earn heaps of $$$, enough to cushion my mattress with notes..

I wanna be a potter..mouding great pieces of ceramics from all but a pound of mud..
I wanna be a sportswoman..strong and athletic and fit...
I wanna be a social worker..helping those in dire need and giving back to society..
I wanna be the first woman in Singapore to rapel down Swissotel Stamford..

I wanna be an explorer...discovering unknown habitats and civilisations in the midst of Africa..
I wanna be a volunteer..building homes for orphans in Laos..
I wanna be an adventurer..hiking across mountain treks and trapezing across deserts..
I wanna be a stewardess..zipping around the world, seeing all the bright lights in the big cities..

I wanna be a writer..spinning great tales of myth, mystery and fantasy..
I wanna be a stylist..adept at bringing out the best of someones' aesthetics..
I wanna be a great cook..wow-ing people with my excellent dishes and exquisite touch..
I wanna be a designer..creating visual works of the highest calibre..

oh yeah..I wanna be...

....thursday....

4th day of the week already...how time flies...

am sitting at my desk burping..just munched down 3 sotong balls..and a cup of apple-orange juice...=) my lunch..looking forward to the Yakun date later with the girls..half-boiled eggs!! woohoo!!

miss my baby...=)

sighz...will miss superstar ltr..though can tape lah, but wun get to see it real-time..the lesson had better be a enriching one...and it better be faster-paced.....chee cheong fun for dinner again for me ltr...with milo as accompaniement...

wow....only 1pm...seems like a long time has passed...have at least 9-10 hrs more before I will reach home...

my gf...

went out with pq just now...for that short while...hope she's feeling better...after the 3 pairs of shoes...and incessant ramblings from me...haa...

well...it's tough on her..but she's a strong babe..admire her resilience and strength and reason...she'll pull through...

wanted to hug her just now..but well..guess we're not exactly an affectionate bunch..haha...

upset..

A colleague made this comment to me: "My first impression of you was that you're a bimbo...and till now, that impression hasn't changed." And to me, I don't think that person was joking. At least at that point in time I don't think the person was joking at all.

I'm seriously upset. Really.

=================

And it doesn't help that I kena suan always. I'm not a petty person. Trust me, I can take jibes and ribbings and jokes. Harmless ones, dirty ones...you name it. I'm might be soft but I'm game for things. But there are still boundaries to respect and though a person's limit can be stretched, it's elasticity is not infinite either.

=================

I find it hard to say no. Especially to friends. I care too much about what others think or might think. Maybe that's why sometimes I'm caught in undesirable situations. Like spending a whole night at an MLM session or spending 1.5 hrs listening to a financial adviser's session.

Is this a bad trait? Hell, think I've improved over the past 2 years. I'm still like that but much less.

=================

I'm touched. He bothered to sms to ask if everything is okay and told me to drop a msg when I'm back. But I'm simmering too. Was yelled at, well kind of..

hmm...guess there's always two sides to a coin. Take it or leave it.

==============

It's september already. Counting down. Hope I have the strength and courage to hold my head up high.

Oh God, guide me pls.