...mortality...

small world...was leafing through janice's blog and just popped over to see her bf's blog too. discovered tt he knew fengji too and even left a memorial entry for him...and i even saw chloe's comment on one of his blog entries....SG=small small world..someone invariably knows somebody else...

the memorial blog was...how should i say it? not particularly touching. nor was it particularly emotional. but it managed to hit my heartstrings. tygrr, being the good writer that he is...penned down his thoughts so clearly, i felt i was one with him.

it's true, what would prompt a young 23yr-old to end his life? he had a great future ahead of him..he was in his final year of studies....what great problem confounded him to such an extent? could he not have sought the help of others? what was it that troubled him so greatly that he could not even share with those closest to him? he was the only son and just a semester away from graduating with honours..

such is life..the fragility of it..i have not had any experience of anyone close to me who has passed on. with the exception of zain and uncle benny who both died of cancer..reading that entry has somehow opened up a cupboard of thoughts which i shelved long ago...thoughts that yes, someday..soon maybe...my granny will move on...how will i take it? how will i react to it?

i remember a night, very long ago...when adrian was 18 or 19 and i was just 14 or so..he came into my room, all red-eyed and puffy..sniffing nose..asked him what's wrong..and he asked me.."Have you ever thought of when mama would die?" i was young, i was ignorant. of course i knew the facts of mortality but it was definitely not one of the things one would give heed to at that age. i told him no..and also, i didn't know how to comfort him, my big strong brother who was sniffling..he walked out of my room..

it was only much later that i could grasp the significance of it all..and understood what he was thinking about..and that same question was running through my head when she was hospitalised last year...and it was running through my head just now when i was reading that entry...

told ahboy about this last year when i was having those thoughts..and being the practical realist that he is..all he said was... aiyah.. these kind of things can't be helped one mah...think so much now for what? yada yada....damn, tearducts are gearing up for action again...