Monday, December 12, 2011

Control

My temper has always been a bane. As is my lack of patience at times.

I lost it and snapped at a colleague this morning. My admin lady. Someone who has tried my patience many a time with her loudness, her always jumping to conclusions, her loud cackling laughter, her not knowing when to stop, her hypocrisy, her loud yawns in office......

She said I was fierce and I apologised immediately.

She's been a good help here and there. But I know there will be a time when her ways get to me again. I hope I will be able to keep my cool when it happens.

Now I know why I am retreating further into my corner at work. My patience is wearing thin for alot of things here. Sometimes a usually meek lamb can morph into a fierce tiger.

Not a good start to the morning.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Ewww. Mould.

Tiring day. :(

A few week ago, my wardrobe was hit by mould. I don't know why but patches of mould started appearing on the interior walls of my wardrobe and along some edges of the shelves. Quite gross.

Sigh, I spent a good 3hours plus today clearing out everything from my wardrobe and wiping my whole wardrobe down with diluted dettol. Had to air it out after that and then dump everything back in. But some of the clothes which I've not worn for a long time were hit by mould too. Had to disinfect them and then throw them in the washing machine. Argh...

Good thing was that I managed to throw out some old clothes and things in the process. One whole big bag of them actually lol...

All I wanna do now is have dinner and then crash into bed...

Oh wait, cannot. I haven't bathe yet. Argh!!

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

jog-a-walk, walk-a jog??

I did a 2.3 tonight. Yes, only that distance. Compared to what I was doing last time, 3.5 or 4 twice a week, I think I have a lot of catching up to do.

This is what slacking off does to you.

After my 1 night hospital stay last month, I tried getting back into a regular routine of jogging. Lungs and feet were still in sleep mode though and I couldn't even run 1km without stopping. Today's the best effort thus far.

Nevermind.
JIAYOU MICHELLE!
Slowly but surely you'll be hitting 3.5 or 4 again!

Empress Dowager

I think the older my mum gets, the more paranoid she becomes.

I cleared out the crab tank earlier tonight and was washing it clean in the toilet. She came over to tell me to use Dettol to make sure all bacteria is KILLED. Specifically told me to clean every corner of the tank properly. Hmm, I don't recall her asking me to use Dettol when I was cleaning hamster cages last time when some of my hamsters died.

Either my observation is true, or she simply hated the crabs lol.

Mr Orange

I woke on Tuesday morning to discover that during the night before, Mr Orange had dropped his main claw. I found it next to him, partially buried in the gravel.

It is serious business when a hermit crab drops his main claw because they use their main claw to act as the "door" to seal shut the entrance to their shell when they retreat into it. And it is also serious business when a crab drops so many of its limbs within a span of a few hours. It usually means the crab is dying.

I took his shell out and checked on him. It felt really weird seeing him with both claws and one of his legs missing. He wasn't moving and didn't respond as well when I tried to agitate him by blowing on him.

Sigh. I couldn't do much except put his shell (with him in it of course) and main claw into a small plastic bag and disposed the bag.

RIP Mr Orange.

You were the active vibrant one with your orange coloured limbs, always climbing here and there and especially up the netting I set up at the back of the tank for you. You liked having cornflakes and you enjoyed your baths. When Mr Grey passed on 2 months back, I had a feeling you were kind of lonely in the tank. Hope you didn't suffer too much when you passed on...May you have lots of cornflakes in wherever hermit crabs go to when they pass on...(hmm, crabby heaven?).

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Breathe

Things are falling off my plate and my staff is chasing me for things.

My hermit crab, Mr Orange, has died on me.

My skin is erupting and I'm getting small spots of hives above my lips.

Small bout of diarrhoea on and off.

I don't know how to do some of my work.

I need to clear the bloody crab tank when I get home at night.

Vision in my right eye is blurry cos of the friggin toric lens.

My boss is SMS-ing me with looooooong SMSes to discuss work. WTH.

My neck & shoulder has started to ache a little again.

Office desk is a mess. I have a whole stack of 100 namecards which has not been sorted.

Stomach feels bloated.

Argh.

Monday, December 05, 2011

The King

K is back in Nice right now and should be in the midst of his thesis presentation right now or maybe his session is just done. I don't know and I don't dare to SMS him too lest the presentation is still on-going.

All the best baby!

======
Sidenote:
Not sure whether to get him to buy any bags from there. I'm half-hearted to part with the money and not too sure what type of design I want too...Hmm. *ponders*

damp, dowdy, low

It has been a period of self-bashing and generally feeling a little low.

I don't know if it's because my self-belief and confidence have taken a sudden steep dip, or the rains have put a damper on me, or that November and December are usually sentimental, nostalgic and emo months for me.

At work, I'm frowning alot more than usual, I'm fiercer and less patient with the two support staff, I'm feeling more stupid, I'm very much less motivated, I'm keeping to myself more, my irritability fuse is much shorter, I'm more detached and I'm just generally "xian".

Out of work I'm better but the self-doubt and "xian-ness" still lingers around.

I'd feel upset over the slightest thing too.

Am I menopausing??? Or am I just ovulating and the hormones are in a frenzy and wreaking havoc on me?

But hmm..it's been 2-3 weeks already?

Hang in there Mr Orange

Mr Orange isn't doing too good. He's been sluggish for the past week and hasn't been eating or drinking much.

He dropped 2 limbs today and that is definitely not a good sign. One of the limbs he dropped was his minor claw.

Either he's sick, or he's super stressed out, or he's got a disease or he's having problems moulting properly or the tank has got mites.

Other reasons include a bad living environment. But I've been doing the same thing since July so I hope I can rule out this possibility.

I read online that I should be placing him in an isolation tank for him to calm down and for me to assess the situation and to identify a possible reason. But the thing is that I don't have an extra tank, so how to isolate him from the current tank?

Sigh. I can only leave him be for now. And continue monitoring him.

My mum is nagging again. She's saying things like "Why don't you just throw it away? It's probably rotting away already" and "Can you please don't buy any of these things anymore?" and "I hope there's no germs coming from the crab. I hope the germs are not airborne".....

mega sigh.

OUCH --> AHHH

I had a much needed neck, shoulder and back massage earlier tonight.

7 months of not visiting my masseuse had led to me developing a bad tension strain running from the right side of my neck to my shoulder area. And this morning I woke with an ache down the left side of the spine.

I sheepishly went to see her after work today and she nagged at me for not going to her regularly enough.

Nagging aside, I'm mighty glad for her "iron fingers" for she ironed out some of the kinks in my back and shoulder muscles. There are still more knots to be undone in the tendons and muscles but I'll leave those to another session. 45mins of rubbing, kneading, pressing, pulling and poking is just about that much pain I can endure.

Yes, call me weak. Lol.

But I promised her I'll be back soon. For her to get my back into better shape and for her to get rid of the other knots in my back.

I walked home with a spring in my step after the session. Though painful, the massage was strangely invigorating. She said she applied pressure on my pressure points and acupoints to "release" the unwanted qi. I really felt lighter and like as if a burden had been lifted from my back.

I hope I sleep better tonight. :)

Encouragement

My colleague is so sweet. She sent me an email after I told her I was feeling xian at work.

==========
Sweetie,

Don't let life's opportunities slip through your fingers,
there are so many challenges you can find,
there are so many goals worth fighting for,
one of the best is PEACE OF MIND

LIFE COULD BE WORSE, SO TAKE THE SPILL WITH A THRILL & A SMILE

May the future ahead of you be brighter. Take care & stay healthy.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Sombre

A colleague just said something to me with a half grin: "Ahem, I have received complaints from staff. That there is an observable moodiness with Michelle these days. And some of them don't dare to talk to you at times haha."

Me: "Oh is it." *smiles and shrugs*

=============
Yes there's a slight dark aura around me.
Caused by a rush of some projects in the last few weeks and exacerbated by my irritation with some colleagues.

Hence, the retreat into my own minute corner and the choice of not speaking too much to any of my teammates, especially those who were the cause of my irritation.

Plus I wasn't well 2 weeks plus ago.

The pall will pass though, I am sure.
Just like how the dark rain clouds of December give way to whiter fluffier spring clouds in January.
Step by step we plod along, one foot before the other
Hopefully towards finding better things and greater clarity in life
The path forward is uncertain at times but what choice have we but to continue?

I am just glad I have K, my family and close friends around me.

Monday, November 28, 2011

%&^*#%$%

God please grant me patience. Working with obstinate and f**king anal people who don't want you to know what they are doing really takes alot of patience.

My blood was boiling for a few minutes but I've brought it down to a simmer and I hope to cool it down soon. Am plugged into the music of Pachelbel, Tchaikovsky, Bach, Mozart and others.

Who raised my blood pressure? The Coll this time.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

reception helper fatigue?

I saw one of my best friends get married yesterday...It was a lovely affair. And of course I was really happy for her and I was also involved a little here and there from the start of her planning process. Needless to say, I was present throughout the whole process yesterday from 5am right till almost midnight.

I was assigned a role at the reception. While sitting there, I thought about my 10 or 11 times of helping out at weddings and the close-to-10 times I've been asked to sit at the reception. And then the realisation hit me.

I think I may have "reception helper" fatigue already. I don't mind helping out in the planning process or the morning activities or other roles. Don't get me wrong. I'd gladly help out friends dear to me. But I think I'd groan a little if I have to sit at another reception table already haha.

I'm whining but I guess I just don't want to.....
  • miss out on seeing another video montage or...
  • stay late at the reception to wait for irresponsible late-comers lol or .....
  • miss out on pre-dinner chit chat with friends or ...
  • miss out on the first dish entry....
Hehe.

Dolling Up

Everytime I get a professional make-up artist to paint my face, I invariably feel bad at the end of it. Not because the paint turns out ugly, but because of the comments made during the process of doing up my face.

Common comments:
  • You're rather tanned
  • Your skin is dry
  • Your skin has so much blemishes
  • Your skin looks...lacklustre
  • Your eyebags are quite big
  • Your dark eye circles are quite obvious
  • Hmm, your eyelashes are really very short
  • Your hair's dry
My common replies or lack of:
  • Oh ok
  • *sheepish smile*
  • ....*silence*....
  • *nods head*
  • Sorry for making you use so much concealer
  • Sorry for making you work harder haha
I guess...All I want for Xmas is....

Plastic Surgery?
Facial Enhancement Procedures?
Tons of Facial Vouchers?
Tons of Hair Salon Vouchers?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Inspirational Words

I thank Donna Daritan for posting this up on her FB page and lighting up my day with her inspirational words.


==================

Promise yourself to be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind;

to talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet;

to make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them;

to look at the sunny side of everything and to make your optimism come true;

to think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best;

to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own;

to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future;

to wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet;

to give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others;

to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble;

to think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds;

to live in the faith that the whole world is on your side;

so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Drama Wednesday - 9 Nov 2011

I promised myself 6 years ago that I would never ever sit in an ambulance again. Unless it's for a valid reason like a friend's waterbag burst or something.

I broke that promise on Wednesday afternoon. Yup, just after I blogged about my experience at the dentist. After blogging, I cleared some work emails and then sat down to have a light lunch of pork porridge.

I was at the kitchen table. My mother was sitting next to me. I had 2-3 tentative spoonfuls of porridge. Tentative because the wound in my mouth was still bleeding and was raw like hell.

And then, I felt faint.

I could see my vision dimming. I could feel my heart start to palpitate. I told my mother I felt faint and I lay my head down on the table. I must have blacked out for a few seconds after that for I did not know what went on in my surroundings. But I did feel things happening to me.

All I felt was extreme anxiety in that few seconds. My heart was pounding away and felt like it was going to explode in my chest. I was breathing in hurried short breaths and I felt like I was going mad. I half-felt like I was going to die. It definitely felt horrible and very awful.

And then I came to.

But I couldn't really speak yet and I was still short of breath. Took me a few more seconds or maybe even a minute or two before I could speak a little.

I must have scared my mum like shit. I was conscious when I saw her run into her room to wake my dad who was having a nap. They deliberated for one or two minutes before deciding to call an ambulance.

4 SCDF personnel arrived maybe 8-10 minutes later and crammed into my kitchen. A Chinese guy pricked my finger and did an immediate blood test. A very pretty young Malay girl, who actually looked quite hot in her SCDF dark blue uniform, started asking me questions like what happened, can I describe what went on, did I know where I was, what's my name, etc...

And then I found myself in a collapsible gurney being wheeled out of my own home, into the lift and then into the ambulance.

At least I was conscious the whole time. And at least I knew what was going on within the A&E confines. Back in 2005, I was unconsious the whole time I was being transported to the hospital and I didn't know what went on in the A&E room at all.

In the A&E room, another prick, another simple blood test. And then a needle meant for plugs was poked into my left wrist. The girl must have been inexperienced. She moved the needle in and out of me twice and also shifted it a little from left to right while it was in my vein. Because she couldn't get the blood to flow. Anyone who has ever had a plug fitted into them before would know that all the above actions is fucking painful.

She finally gave up, took the needle out of me and had another nurse plug my right wrist instead. Good move. I felt no pain when the other nurse did my right wrist.

===============
After hours of waiting in the cold A&E observation room (I would prefer to call it a holding room instead), I was warded for the night.

Due to my colourful medical history, the doctors were rightfully nervous about my fainting and had several tests done on me. Had another tube of blood taken from me at bloody 230am in the morning for another blood test. And they woke me up from my sleep just to do that. Did a CT scan as well.

They couldn't find anythng wrong with me. Which is a good thing. I was normal. And one of the doctors mentioned that perhaps my toth extraction in the morning had something to do with my fainting.

All in all, I think I had a total of 16-17 nurses, interns, junior doctors, doctors and senior doctors who saw me right from the time I went into A&E to the time I was discharged the next day.

===============
I feel guilty for having made my parents go through this. Sigh....

And I feel kind of upset for being "weak".

My mum made chicken and bird's nest soup for me last night. But of course, all of us got to enjoy it, K, myself, and my parents.

===============
Anecdote #1

Indian doc: Were you feeling very angry over something?
Me: No
Doc: Were you feeling very excited over something?
Me: No
Doc: Were you feeling an emotional high such that you could have fainted?
Me: Huh??? I was just having porridge for lunch in my kitchen. How high can that make me feel?

===============
Anecdote #2

Senior Chinese doc: So you fainted while having lunch.
Me: Ya, I was having porridge and then I felt faint, so I lay my head on the table.
Doc: Wah, don't tell me that porridge tasted so awful! hahaha
Me: Hahaa

===============
Anecdote #3

I was under a "fall precaution" status and had to be accompanied to the toilet at all times. Surprisingly, I didn't find it all that difficult to pee in front of a complete stranger. She somehow made me feel so at ease I could even chat with her while peeing.

Me: I'm supposed to collect my pee in this cup ah?
Sweet Malay nurse: Ya, just pee in there then I will help you pour into the two small containers.
Me: Okok.....So how long have you been working here?
Nurse: Oh 6 years already. Damn long.
Me: *pees* Ya, quite long but you still seem to enjoy your work. That's good what. Hmm, kind of weird talking to you while peeing.
Nurse: Oh nevermind lah, nice to have someone to talk to.
Me: Haha ok. Nah, here's my cup. Err, sorry the container's a little wet. Wait, let me wipe it first....

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Bo-Geh

The last time I ever did an extraction was 2 decades ago I think. This morning I just went for a procedure at the CGH dental clinic. Was quite nervous.

I thank god no surgery was needed. The dentist, let's call him DG for short, did a good job. But it did take him 15-20mins just to yank the whole tooth out. As my tooth was cracked into half, he took out each half on their own.

I could feel the twisting, pulling, yanking. He was really using quite abit of force and his hand was trembling with the exertion. I was praying that his hand wouldn't slip or the tool he was using wouldn't slip from his hand and pierce my gum or something.

It didn't help my nervousness that the nurse wasn't a very experienced one. He asked for an "R3" tool. She came back with a wrong tool.

But DG was nice and knowing that I ws nervous (I told him so earlier on), he kept reassuring me and said things like "You're doing good Michelle", "That's good Michelle, you're holding up well", "Very good Michelle".

He was even hummng a song towards the end of the procedure. Nice touch.

I didn't expect to meet anyone at CGH. At least not with my half numb tongue, half numb lips, slurry speech, salivating mouth, lopsided smile. But I happened to meet my friend's sister and her mum. Alamak, no choice but to say hi, albeit with a freakish smile and retarded speech. :(

=================
So now, about 2 hours after the 2 anaesthesia jabs I had, part of my mouth remains a little numb. So is half my tongue.

I am still bleeding and have changed gauzes twice already. I can't really have my lunch yet till it stops bleeding somewhat. Hopefully soon.

I'm taking anti-malaria pills, once a day from 19 Oct till 27 Nov. And now I have to take more pills for anti-inflammation for this extraction. I don't like having so much medication in me. Slows me down I think. And I feel nuah.

As the anaesthesia wears off slowly, I can feel growing discomfort and aches where my tooth once was. I am still salivating quite abit and this gauze is getting bloody again. @#$#%$^%$

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

upset

Going for my annual heart check-up never fails to make me feel depressed, frustrated and somewhat angry.

My appointment was at 940am. I went early and completed all admin procedures by 930am. The doc only came in at 10am. WTF. And I ended up waiting till 1030 before it was my turn as there were 3 people before me. I was out of his room within 5 mins. And I had to pay $80 for the consultation.

And I was delivered a not-so-good piece of news today. My bad cholesterol level is quite high. WTF. It was fine in February with my good cholesterol still at levels way above my bad cholesterol. The last few months have just screwed everything up and now I have put on 2kg and my bad cholesterol is way higher than my good cholesterol.

Upset.
Turning 30 seems to have brought me a host of not-so-nice things. Maybe I should just become a vegetarian.