Tummy

August hasn't been a good month for the stomach. Not sure what I can do now except to take smaller and more frequent meals. Sometimes hard to handle this too, especially if I'm in the office. 

Chewing alot more now also as I'm having some difficulty swallowing when I eat too fast or take bigger mouthfuls. I'm taking long to eat a meal and it stresses me when my colleagues finish eating and I'm not done yet. 

Wondering if I should get the helper to start making lunches for me to dabao to office again. A little anti-social but....nvm...see how first...

Praying for a healthier gut, and a more stable tummy....

not happy?

The older I get, the more I find myself rejecting ideas and new things. 

The more I feel pressured at times to do certain things.  

The more I feel myself withdrawing. 

The more I just want to hide. 

The more I just want to be in my own corner. 

Maybe I should be a part of the Sumikko Gurashi. 

12 Aug 2022 - Snip snip time

Finally made time and went to cut my hair after 11 months. 

Chopped off maybe 5 or 6 inches? I also don't really know. 

But hair length went from boobies to now sitting above my shoulders and at least an inch above my collarbone. 

One of the shortest hair length I've ever had in the last 20years. 

Took some getting used to and I'm liking it more now. :) 

Been cutting my hair with Sandy since 2008. Followed her from her salon near my parents' place till today at her own home when she switched to being home-based. Just realised she's been around since I changed to a new job, got cheated on, got attached again, got married, shifted out, had 2 babies, etc...Though I see her only once or twice a year...still, it's been a long time! 14 years and counting...

Reminder to Self

To listen more and understand.

To not interject or interrupt when others are talking. 

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To be less selfish and self-centered. 

To not take people for granted. 

To be more self-aware if and when I am becoming so.

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To keep going. 

To keep walking. 

To keep trying. 

Highs & lows and all the in-betweens

Experienced all sorts of emotions in a week. 

• Last weekend all the way through till Monday afternoon was somewhat nerve-racking. Was trying to memorise and familiarise myself with the key points in a narrative, which had to be covered in a media interview I was arrowed to do on Monday afternoon with 2 key media papers in Singapore. I was thankful there was a more senior and experienced guy with me on Monday afternoon during the media interview and he helped fill in some gaps when I fell short. The whole experience probably brought me several more white hairs but I guess I took it up because (1) I didn't want to run away  (although at times I regretted my decision much), and (2) When would I ever get such an experience again?
• Mum went to the A&E on Tuesday, was warded and only discharged on Friday afternoon. I couldn't go visit her as I was not one of the 2 registered visitors on the list. My Dad and brother were. Anyway, just glad there's nothing very major. At the moment, it seems like it's a stomach inflammation which triggered her acid reflux and brought much discomfort to her oesophagus. There's no obvious narrowing of her oesophagus and I hope the medication given will ease and solve what pain and discomfort she's having. 
• Monday & Tuesday morning were HBL days for both girls. Took up quite alot from my patience bucket lol. Had to "run" back and forth between 2 laptops. They didn't spare me too when I was taking a dump. Nadya came by and knocked on the toilet door while shouting outside "Mama!! I need help!!!" zzzz...I replied "Can you at least wait till I'm done? I can't help you when I'm sitting on the throne!" Was on leave both afternoons but I still had to on and off clear work. 
• Wednesday & Thursday was very hectic work wise. Flooded with things and I ended up working from 830am till 1130pm on both days, with maybe a combined 3 to 4hr break in between for lunch, dinner, a little time with the girls, showers, a short walk, etc. Tiring, stressful and frustrating at times for hitting brickwalls. But still thankful for having a boss and colleagues who are "chiong-ing" alongside me. Thankful too that K came back early each day from reservist and he could go fetch the girls home.
• Friday was a full day of calls. I was thankful that all went pretty smoothly. Had an emotional talk with K at night and ended up tearing. 

Highs and lows and all the in-betweens. 

Keep going....keep going...一步一步走...

Breathe.

Breathe. And keep going. 

You can do this.  

Keep Going

A colleague has decided to retire early. Between me & the other Head who is dealing with Tech issues, of course laoniang will end up bearing the most brunt of covering her duties till a replacement comes in. 

Not looking forward to it when she leaves officially at the end of September. Not the first time she's thrown her letter too and I've always been the one to be on standby to receive her handovers. Each time in the past though, she rescinded her letters. 

Seems this time it's for real as emails have been sent to the big big boss and HR as well. 

Am a little overwhelmed. 

Current duties + double-hatting for another function since Mar and probably till early next year + covering duties for this lady. 

I hope I can handle things. 

I need to. Keep going. 

Breathe. Keep going. 

Breathe. Keep going. 

Breathe. Keep going. 

Tummy

This week hasn't been too good physically. Tummy's acid issues are back. 

Nausea, bloatedness, indigestion, lethargy & tiredness, slight giddiness at times, feeling full even after eating less than usual, tight stomach, etc. Slight chest pains these last 2 days. 

I hope this clears up soon. 

In just a few days, I lost maybe 1kg already. 

I hope it clears up quickly and I can eat normally again....

Hero

Am on leave today and tried to go ahead with my plans for the day. 

Intended to start the day with a longer than usual walk. So goot lat! Left the house at 715am after getting the girls ready for school and then washing up. 

The sky decided to pour...had to cut short the walk...it turned out really short lol. Got home drenched and cold...

Been a long long time since I was so drenched in the rain. My fav pair of shoes were soaking wet and my fav cap as well...

Thank you my dear cap, for shielding my eyes from the rain...I hope you won't get too damaged and will dry well...

New word of the day - Licence plate-plucker

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. 

Just wondering what was the licence-plate-plucking lady at the Causeway thinking when she confronted the other car. And wondering too, what was the boy thinking when he came charging out like that acting all macho but then scurrying away when the driver of the other car came out. 

For him, maybe he couldn't handle his teenage emotions that bubbled over and since his mum was acting in that manner, I guess he followed suit? Afterall, he's only had 18 years of experience on Earth....For his mum though, I wonder what triggered her so much she was willing to use her body to stop the other car from moving. 

Rash? Maybe. Obnoxious? Maybe. Just a road-rager unable to control herself? Maybe.

I guess we'll never really know what truly happened to trigger the whole incident.  

Merchant Court 3D2N

In the final week of the June school holidays, we had a 3D2N staycation at Merchant Court. Or Paradox Merchant Court as it is now known as. 

The girls enjoyed themselves I think. 

Alyssa loved the swimming pool and we visited it once each day we were there. She constantly asked to go to the pool haha. Nadya liked the dinner buffet (or maybe more so the chocolate fountain that was there lol). And they both loved the TV in the room, especially Nadya.  

We also walked down to Funan to catch the new Minions movie, and showed them Clarke Quay at night with all its pretty lights and busy restaurants. K tried explaining to Nadya what Zouk is and why people go there, etc...to which she responded "Can we go now?" LOL....10 years later she'll probably appreciate the area alot more. 

For me...I liked the distraction the staycay brought...and the exclusive time spent with K and the girls...and the buffet breakfast (with all its eggs and sausages :D)

End of a legacy....a Subaru Legacy

Today is the day we bid farewell to our car. 小蓝as K calls it. 

It served us well for 6 years and brought us to many happy places. It's also the girls' 1st car (excluding my FIL's car lol). 

It's 14 years old and while it's not 100% broken down. There are key parts of it that wore down and which needed repairs but there are no replacement parts in Singapore. Importing the parts in from Japan and fixing it would cost more than the paper value of the car. K made the hard decision to let go of it...The guy came to bring it away this afternoon.

I forgot to big farewell to it this morning when I left the house in a hurry. 

Thank you 小蓝 for bringing us around all these years...to the Zoo, to staycations, to school, to grocery runs, to makan sessions, to various malls, to birthday parties and playdates, to my parents' and inlaws' places each Saturday, to various enrichment lessons, etc... 

Not sure if you'll be scrapped or refurbished and brought to another place...if it's the latter, I hope you'll have a fruitful new lease of life!

Sigh

Been mansplained and slighted a fair bit on several occasions this week. 

Nevermind. 

Jiayou. 

Carry on. 

Keep walking Keep going

At times I wonder how long more do I have to continue coping with the unsavoury thoughts in my head. The daily managing that needs to be done. And at times, on and off through the day...

Then I catch myself and remind myself not to ask that because....it is not something I can undo anymore....they are here, the condition is here and won't go away magically. 

I just have to manage it...manage things...manage myself....and learn and unlearn some things if needed...and keep going...

Yeah...

Keep going..

一步一步往前走

继续走

Heart is full

Was on leave Wed to Fri last week. Had a fulfilling time during those days and over the weekend. 

Wednesday  & Thursday
Mostly spent prepping Nadya for her ballet solo competitions. Her first time and she was not so steady during her 1st performance on Wed. But it was a start and she was so much better and stable on Thursday! Prooud of her for having done this..All the hours of practice at her dance school. While she didn't place, I think it was still a good exposure for her. And it definitely opened up K's and my eyes to how hardcore (and possible regimental) some of the other ballet schools actually are. 

Friday
I fulfilled one of my longtime wishes - to bring both girls out on my own and have a meal with my parents. Simple wish but it somehow took a long time to fulfil...whether it was time or scheduling conflicts or my inertia or my anxiety. But I did it! Finally! On 3 June 2022! It was a simple 2hours or so but it made my heart so full...:) Very very happy to have the girls spend time with my parents one on one. 

Saturday
Had dinner with Adrian's family, my parents and our own family at Pasir Ris Park! First time ever. Was very happy with it and happy that I suggested it too...Some logistical hiccups and delays here and there but oh well...we made it in the end! Food was good, company was great. Heart and tummy are full...:) 

Sunday
Simple day filled with usual routines. Glad we managed to squeeze in a game or two of Cluedo with Alyssa. Also glad we got Nadya's eyes checked out and her glasses made. Am a little worried for her as her myopia seems high. I really hope she doesn't take after me in this aspect...When she starts wearing her glasses, I think she's gonna look a whole lot more like me lol...And glad that I finally got the courage to get my eyes tested as well. It usually brings me alot of stress and I hate to admit but...I've not gotten my degree checked for 12 years. It increased a little but I'm pretty ok with it. Still thankful it didn't increase alot. 

24 May 2022

Typing in points. Going into too much details will make me anxious.  

Woke on 24 May and was ok. But shot while later had odd ring of light in left eye. Was supposed to go work but decided not to. Called K and asked him to send me to A&E. He was out sending the kids to school. 

A&E. Eye doc saw me and said there was an area of weakness in the retina. Needed to go for laser procedure. Went to eye clinic, did the procedure. Fainted immediately after the procedure. Within less than 10mins. 

I knew it was coming. Told K "Baby, I cannot already, I cannot already."

BP was low. bottom reading went down to 45 or so according to the nurse. Blacked out for 30secs or so according to K. Fucking scary. When I came to, I couldn't open my eyes but knew that I was clutching K's Tshirt very tightly. Left fist was in a ball and I remember moaning. Heard his voice comforting me. Was very thankful he was around. 

BP 78/57. Lay me on trolley bed and was monitored till BP went back to 110/70. Vasovagal attack.

EXACT same thing happened 3 years ago when I did the same laser procedure for right eye. Nabeh.

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Am ok now. Next eye follow-up is 9 June. 

But anxiety levels have increased alot. Trying my best to self-manage. 

Certain things remind of the incident, like flashes of light. Woke on one or 2 nights with snippets of the incident appearing in my mind. 

Trying my best not to think or dwell too much. 

Move on Michelle. You are ok. Don't dwell.

You can do it Michelle!!

Yes I can!!

Ganbatte!!!!!

Reminder to Self

It is not what people do that hurt us. 

It is our reaction to what they do (or don't do) that hurts us. 

Breathe. 

And don't waste time on unnecessary matters. 

Focus on what is more important and what means more to you. 

Office.

Heading back to office. Pros and cons.  

It forces me out of the house and out of my comfort zone. I have to re-navigate taking the bus, walking to office, walking home, heading to lunch, etc. It also takes up alot of mental energy on my end. Sounds of the morning traffic overwhelmed me a little this morning. Too much "audio", too loud, too noisy, too many things happening in my line of vision and even my peripheral vision.

I get to enjoy the aircon. But I miss my bed, and miss being able to sit like a kan chia poh. 

I actually get more things done at home than when I am in the office. More distractions in the office + time wasted on the commute + time taken to prep for work = less time for actual work. I don't get to decompress much if I take the bus home because I am trying to manage myself. 

On the whole, going back to office is still more of a nay for me. Though I know I need to accept it.
I hope I find a balance. Soon.  

Of a wedding and awkward first meetings

Attended QM's wedding yesterday. She's a cousin I've only seen twice in my entire life. 

And at the same wedding, I was introduced to another 4 cousins whom I've never ever met. Imagine suddenly meeting a 52 year old, a 44 year old, and another 2 twenty-somethings. 

Due to family dynamics, estranged relationships and possible misunderstandings over decades, we never ever got to meet. 

It was strange, awkward and a little uncomfortable to me. Yet, a little intriguing too. That I finally got to physically see and meet that part of the family tree on my mother's side. 

Ear worm....

Late to the game but...this is my latest earworm. 

Secret Love Song, by Little Mix and featuring Jason Derulo

Released in 2015.

Didn't think much of it when I first heard it on the radio a couple of weeks back. 

But I heard it the 2nd time today on the radio again and....now it's in my head...:)