Breathe Again

Reminder to self-manage more again.

Back-slided quite abit. Manifesting through fatigue, slightly queasy tummy, some fogginess/grogginess, irritability and strong emotions.

Hang in there Michelle...just breathe and keep going...baby steps again if you need. 

你可以的！

Breathe

Breathe.

船到桥头自然直

Thinking, worrying won't get you anywhere much. 

Stuck in a rut again. Worrying about upcoming things. 

Maybe I should cut down on lurking on social media again. Many nice and happy (whether curated or not) photos out there that are making me subconsciously think?

Monsters

Read about a child abuse case in Singapore. And I was got quite....

Angry. At how the mother treated the poor child. At how the stepfather treated the poor girl. 

Sad. At how the 11-yr-old girl felt during those last months of her short life.

Disappointed. That there are such scums around in our midst. That the welfare officer who had a video call with the girl just 3 weeks before her death, did not notice anything amiss. Even when he went to their house on several occasions and did not get to see her each time. Maybe he could not or did not have any means of issuing any harder enforcement against the parents. Maybe his hands were tied. 

I hope justice is served. Even if the law lets them off more lightly then I would have liked, I hope God watches and sees....and metes out appropriate actions...

Rest in peace little girl. I think you're better up there in Heaven now. 

Gave the girls extra hugs and kisses last night...

Dear...

Dear Stomach,
Dear Gut, 

It's been 4 years. I still don't know what exactly makes you upset. And I've already changed my diet alot to accomodate you. It's really a hit or miss sometimes. Please cooperate with me? I don't want to work so hard (over months) to increase my weight by a little, only to lose it again within a day or two when I get a bout of diarrhoea or "stomach queasy" situation. 

I don't know how long I've not bathed my rice in curry gravy, gorged on a plate of tomato-based pasta, had wine, stuffed myself with a full plate of chye tow kueh or char kway teow......or drunk what used to be my favourite HL milk. 

Let's work together ok? Let's work together with Mind too. And maybe Muscle too. 

I believe we can...and I still look forward to curry-filled days. 

Fighting!

For Posterity

Happy Valentine's Day!

Came home last night and was stopped by Nadya from walking into the house further. She said I had to close my eyes and she'd lead me to my room. By then, I'd already spotted an empty plastic bag on a shelf nearby, the kind used to carry bouquets of flowers lol. So I knew what was coming up.

So my eyes were closed, and Nadya was leading me to the room in baby steps...Out comes Alyssa who took my other hand and chirped: "Come on Mama! Let's go to your room to see your big bouquet of flowers!!"

LOL LOL LOL...

My instant reaction was.. "Alamak, Nadya's gonna get real pissed at having the surprise spoiled." There was alot of grumpiness on her part but I guess the excitement of having flowers at home and them making cards for me & K still kept her spirits up quite well. 

Thank you sayang for the flowes...and for the little bouquets for the girls too..:) 

The girls made cards and bookmarks for me and K. Alyssa's card was particularly comforting and sweet. It read:

"Happy Valentine's Day! I know how tired you can be after work. I also feel that way after school but this card is to cheer you up! To: Mama, From: Alyssa.

Laoniang's heart is full...and thankful..:)

Ganbatte

Just realised I've neglected this space quite abit. 

In all 17 years I've had this space, 2022 had the least posts. 74 in the entire year. 

2022 was challenging and I felt like I was being pulled from all directions.

I am expecting the first 4 months of 2023 to be hectic as well. And I am really hoping that there is more breathing room thereafter. The new head of the unit I am covering is in, and I hope he picks up fast so I can throw most things to him soon. 

Ganbatte Michelle.

Keep going. 

Teary morning. 

But.

Keep going.

Keep walking. 

You can do this. 

Keep going

Week of end Oct and early Nov was tough. Worked in office, got home, put the girls to bed, and then continued clearing things. 

There were 1 or 2 nights I felt like puking. I think my body was protesting. 

I can breathe slightly better now. The newest perm staff recruited specifically for this project has caught up well enough and can run most things on her own already. Helps that she's smart and understood most gaps and policy issues raised. LSE grad 果然不同. 

There are still things to settle on the workfront but I am cutting myself abit more slack these few days...Physically tired. Mentally a little. 

But.

Keep going. 

Keep moving. 

Keep walking. 

Keep showing up. 

Ganbatte!!!

31 October 2022

It was a Monday. 
Fishball's left eye was swollen since the day before and by midday, it had protruded out of its lids. She couldn't close it and slept with that eyeball exposed. It seemed uncomfortable, she was scratching around that area, and I was squeamish as well. I asked K to bring us to the vet. We called several around our area and finally got one that was willing to look at hamsters. 

Popcorn was losing weight over the last few weeks and bled from time to time from her bottom area also so we brought her to the vet too. 

Spent a bomb on anaesthesia for Fishball so that the vet could drag her lids back into place. And also on her meds to clean the eye, eye drops, and pain medication (which I could not successfully administer and gave up on). 

The vet didn't do much for Popcorn though. Old age too and he said best not to try any procedures on her. She seemed ok and deemed the bleeding as part of skin infection. She seemed quite lethargic at the vet. 

Fast forward to later in the afternoon.
31 October was the hamsters' designated birthday and the girls prepared some veggie "birthday cake" comprising of sunflower seeds, pek chye, and some other vegetables I can't recall. Both hamsters happily nibbled on their cakes in each of their cages. 

Sometime later during dinner time. 
I noticed it first. Popcorn was in an awkward position and I went to check. 

Jialat. She had passed on. Her eyes were half-closed. Mild rigor mortis had already set in as well and she seemed stiff. 

Nadya was quite upset and bawled her eyes out. Alyssa seemed alot more composed and didn't shed a tear. Or maybe it was just that she didn't understand as much. I comforted Nadya....well at least Popcorn passed away happy...she had a big "birthday cake" and passed away chewing on her fav pek chye!

Armed with 2 small shovels, and a screwdriver to break up the soil, we wrapped Popcorn in tissue and brought her down to the carpark, and buried her next to a tree. 

2years old. Popcorn. 
Lover of seeds and pek chye and most foods. 

What gives?

Been double-hatting since early March. Things are getting quite hectic. started to cover someone who left from this month onwards....

Plate's overflowing and I think I am dropping things. I hope things settle down abit in November/December. 

Also feeling guilty for not being able to be there for the girls sometimes or not being fully present. Sitting there doing things with them is different from sitting there with a laptop on my lap...

My patience wears thin at times. 

Although I am on leave on some days, I still cover work or get disturbed. I am on birthday leave next Mon but there is an important meeting that I cannot skip. 

What gives? 

How to set boundaries when there are responsibilities to settle at the same time? Do I throw the team to flounder and flail? Do I disappoint the kids? Do I stretch my own mental capacities and mental health and physical health?

Losing weight. Breached the 45kg mark and am now at 44.5kg. I think I am eating...maybe I am sub-consciously eating smaller amounts cos my tummy doesn't feel well half the time. I dunno...but I hope to be back to 47 or 48 again...Maybe stress burns fats hmm...

Ganbatte Michelle.......

"Stalked" by a 9yr-old lol....

Nadya gave her classmate my mobile number. And I am getting spammed by this girl now. Called me 3 times today. I refused to pick up. Call me bad but....

I'd already arranged with her mum that the girls would only be chatting at 715pm today for a short while and just this once....

But this girl has already called me twice in the morning, and once at 330pm. 

I hope she doesn't call me anymore tmr....

Buy buy buy!

I think I am stressed. 

I went on an online rampage today. 

And bought $400 worth of stuff. 

Some were for gifts. Some were to replace my existing clothing items. Some were for the girls. 

And some were cos I just wanted to try out the Shein platform.

I think I ish stressed.  

Nvm....unboxing in the days ahead...:) 

45....not age but.....

Laoniang is now 45kg. 

TMD. I spent a year plus getting it back up to 47+kg...and in 1-2 months, it dropped back to 45kg cos of recent acid reflux issues...:(

Maybe I should check my scale...see if the battery is working properly or not....hmm....

According to the doctor....

Did the usual cholesterol & sugar level blood test on 9 Sept...and had a review with the polyclinic doctor on 19 Sept. In gist, here's what he said...

Blood test results were good for your age.

No major issues.

Not sure why the previous doctor only ordered the most basic test for you when you're already over 40. 

I will put in a liver function test and a thyroid function test for you as well for your next test. It's better lah. You are in your 40s already. Better to check. That said, no need to check these 2 every year. Once in 2years is good enough. 

In that short couple of minutes, he had to remind me I'm getting of age several times... -_- 

不认老也不行了 lol...

Ganbatte

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep walking. Keep breathing. 

Try. Try again. 

You can do this Michelle...! 

My Kids

N: Mama, why is your boo boo so small? (boo boo = boobs)

A: Mama, I love your thighs and legs. So flabby. And flappy. And squishy. Wish I could hug them to sleep.

N: Mama, there's a white hair here and another one here. But still lesser than Dada's.

A: Mama has jelly legs! 

It's not sufficient to just look into the mirror these days. 

Your own kids give you a "reality check" every other day too....lol...dunno whether to laugh or cry...

sigh...

Having mixed feelings. 

When you're drowning in work, and things keep coming in. And your staff asked to take leave on Friday and the following Monday cos she has a long extended celebration with her husband for their anniversary. 

Tummy

August hasn't been a good month for the stomach. Not sure what I can do now except to take smaller and more frequent meals. Sometimes hard to handle this too, especially if I'm in the office. 

Chewing alot more now also as I'm having some difficulty swallowing when I eat too fast or take bigger mouthfuls. I'm taking long to eat a meal and it stresses me when my colleagues finish eating and I'm not done yet. 

Wondering if I should get the helper to start making lunches for me to dabao to office again. A little anti-social but....nvm...see how first...

Praying for a healthier gut, and a more stable tummy....

not happy?

The older I get, the more I find myself rejecting ideas and new things. 

The more I feel pressured at times to do certain things.  

The more I feel myself withdrawing. 

The more I just want to hide. 

The more I just want to be in my own corner. 

Maybe I should be a part of the Sumikko Gurashi. 

12 Aug 2022 - Snip snip time

Finally made time and went to cut my hair after 11 months. 

Chopped off maybe 5 or 6 inches? I also don't really know. 

But hair length went from boobies to now sitting above my shoulders and at least an inch above my collarbone. 

One of the shortest hair length I've ever had in the last 20years. 

Took some getting used to and I'm liking it more now. :) 

Been cutting my hair with Sandy since 2008. Followed her from her salon near my parents' place till today at her own home when she switched to being home-based. Just realised she's been around since I changed to a new job, got cheated on, got attached again, got married, shifted out, had 2 babies, etc...Though I see her only once or twice a year...still, it's been a long time! 14 years and counting...

Reminder to Self

To listen more and understand.

To not interject or interrupt when others are talking. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be less selfish and self-centered. 

To not take people for granted. 

To be more self-aware if and when I am becoming so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To keep going. 

To keep walking. 

To keep trying.