Another moth

It's getting a little too coincidental...

A moth appeared again today. Same type, brownish. Same size too. 

I was on the bus home, sitting on the upper deck by the window. Somewhere along the route, after the Old Airport Road hawker centre, a moth suddenly appeared outside my window. It was fluttering here and there and landed on the window quite a few times, right next to my face. And then it flew off. 

Today is the 14th day since Mama passed....

Oh, hello moth

A brown moth appeared again tonight. This time round it was in Little Baby's room, on a wall high up and near the ceiling. 

It's the 12th day since Mama passed on. 

And it is said moths represent the souls of the departed who come and visit their family and friends before moving on to whichever place or realm they are supposed to go to. 

Hmm...

Change of dynamics

These days I feel a little like a teacher's pet who has fallen from grace. 

Not sure if I am being sensitive or what. Ever since I told the boss that I don't wish to travel for the upcoming overseas meeting and ever since I had a small bust-up with him a few weeks ago, I feel as if he has something against me. 

Even his nagging has taken on a more unpleasant tone. Almost everyday I will kena something from him.

If things come to a head, I dunno....maybe I'll talk to him? Hmm dunno....

Sigh. 

Thank you gal

Came back to office after a week's hiatus. And saw this little fella on my desk.

Present from Kah Hui. Forgot to ask her if it was for Easter or just to cheer me up. 

Thank you gal....

Distracted? Emo?

Think I'm a little fragile now. Sigh.

Boss just called to scold me for a mistake I did. And now I feel like a small child wanting to cry. 

On another note, I feel a little stupid too for making that mistake. I have been around long enough to know how the process should be. I shouldn't have made that error. 

Not that smooth a Monday so far. Hope it gets better later....

Saturday morning

Father and daughter ruminating...so emo and poetic...no filter and no edits to the photo by the way.

Slow reaction

Turned out I had a delayed reaction. 

For some strange reason, after more than a week, my emotions chose to let loose last night. And let loose I did. 

I bawled. I spluttered. I bawled somemore. 

Was feeling upset about my granny. 

Sigh...

But I felt slightly better thereafter apart from the headache I had from the crying. 

18 April 2014

Her Daddy's birthday. And also the day that she tried pumpkin for the first time. More specifically butternut squash.

Strangely there was not much excitement or reaction. She was more excited the first time she tried rice cereal. Hmm...

And yes, the poor girl has got a red mark under her left eye because she scratched herself. She accidentally scratched off the scab this morning and it started bleeding again. :( see liao heart pain. 

It's been 7 days

How time flies. 

It's been a week already since Mama left us. Last Friday at this time of 11:15, Adrian and I were by her bedside just watching over her. A lifeless her. 

Strangely, a moth came by earlier on around 9-plus. It was flying around in our bedroom and then later on in our washroom. 

I asked K if Mama was maybe visiting us.....he said maybe....

The 2 Lovely Sisters

Adrian sent this wonderful photo out 3 days ago to us and some of our cousins. This was taken at his wedding 13 years ago. The two sisters, born 8 years apart, both resplendent in their sarong kebayas. 

Mama and Ipoh, both of you take care up there ok. I think you have enough kakis to start a game of mahjong already. Have fun yah......(They used to play mahjong with my mum and aunt every Saturday or Sunday for many years) 

Smells like....

And so I have created my first reed diffuser ever.

I couldn't and didn't have the chance to find a nicer bottle. Anyway, since this was an initial experiment, I improvised and bought a rose essence bottle (Star Brand). Those used to flavour cakes and jellies. The bottle was only less than $1.50.

I ordered the essential oils from Qoo10 and the reed sticks as well. For the carrier oil I used grapeseed oil. Easier to find it compared to jojoba or sweet almond oil. Just step into NTUC and you can get a 500ml bottle of grapeseed oil for $5 or $6.

Composition:
- 4 drops of citronella oil
- 4 drops of lemongrass oil
- 3 drops of geranium oil
- roughly 90 drops of grapeseed oil

I used lesser geranium as it is a thicker oil compared to lemongrass and citronella and hence more concentrated. I chose to do a 10% dilution as this was an initial test, i.e. 10 drops of essential oils to 90 drops of carrier oil. If this works well as an insect repellant, I might do a more concentrated one of 20% dilution.

Purpose:
- Citronella - purifying, clarifying, anti-depressant
- Lemon grass - purifying, cleansing, energising
- Geranium - purifying, calming, uplifting

And all three oils have insect repellant poperties. This was my main purpose in buying them actually. It was only after I bought them that I discovered that the oils had other calming and purifying properties.

I did not put in any alcohol simply because I didn't know how to get any. Stop short of buying a bottle of Absolut. But anyway, alcohol is an optional item for a reed diffuser, it just helps the essential oils bind better to the carrier oil and travel up the reed sticks in a better way. But it's not 100% neccessary to put alcohol in it.

Let's see how this turns out.

Little kids. Little rich kids.

I spent some time alone in a Starbucks cafe yesterday afternoon. I was clearing some work and blogging a little.

I was caught by surprise at the number of young kids there. There were those from secondary school and JC, evidenced by the uniforms they were in. And there were even 2 or 3 from prmary school, sitting in a corner on their own.

So rich?

When I was in primary school, even McDonald's was considered a luxury. And I had no money to hang out with friends. We only probably hung out at a shopping centre or at a Popular bookstore just walking around aimlessly and didn't have money to sit in an actual cafe and order cakes and drinks.

Till now I still find it expensive to spend $5 each day buying a cup of something from Starbucks though I know many others do it.

Times have changed. Really.

I can't imagine how it will be when Nadya grows up.

The Proceedings IV - Tuesday 15 April 2014

Adrian picked up Dad & Mum before coming by to pick me. We made our way to the Marina South Pier where we met up with Aunt and my cousins, Celine and Randall. We waited for the Singapore Casket staff to arrive and they finally arrived, slightly later than the agreed upon 11am time.

Mama’s remains, ashes and bone fragments, were wrapped up within a red cloth which was placed in a brown basket. Dad held the basket while we waited for the boat to arrive to pick us up.

Mama had long ago instructed her children that she wanted a sea burial. Maybe Dad’s pragmatism came from her. She had said that she did not want to be a burden to others, not when she was alive and also not when she was dead. She did not want her descendants to have to go to her crypt or vault at the columbarium year after year to clean up her “flat” and pay respects to her. She said she would rather be thrown into the sea and we just kept her in our hearts.

And so we arranged for a sea burial.

The boat was soon ready and we headed out onto the bobbing jetty. Mum was prone to motion sickness and had already popped anti-motion sickness pills beforehand. Still she was fidgety and clung on to me when out on the jetty. So one arm of mine was holding onto her and the other arm of mine was trying to hold Dad, who claimed he did not need any support at all as he was a fisherman and used to all the waves and bobbing. (He used to fish a lot out in the open sea.) Still, he is 72 this year. I was going to hold on to him no matter what he said or claimed.

We stepped onto the boat and were brought to an NEA-designated area a short distance off the East Coast area.

When the boat stopped, Celine led us on a short prayer and we sang “Amazing Grace” again. The guy from Singapore Casket who accompanied us told us that before we put Mama into the sea. It was customary that we open the red cloth and touch her and say our goodbyes. And so we did.

We all kept our composure this time round. Though I could see Dad’s eyes were a little red. It was a little surreal. One day Mama was in human form, intact and dressed in her sarong kebaya. The next day, she was reduced to just ashes and fragmented pieces of white powdery bones.

We tied up the cloth again and then made our way to the edge of the boat. If it weren’t for the sombre nature of the event, it would have been quite comical. Each of us was trying to balance ourselves. I was supporting Mum. Adrian was supporting Dad who was clutching onto Mama’s remains. Mum was calling out to Dad to be careful. Randall was trying to take pictures on Celine’s camera. Celine was trying to say the last verses of the prayer. And all the time the boat was still rocking away.

Dad shocked all of us when he decided to lie down on the boat floor instead of squatting. Mum had a huge shock as she thought he was almost falling overboard. She yelled and I shushed her up. Dad finally dipped Mama into the sea water and when the bag was soaked through, he let her go. I did not manage to see her sink into the depths of the waters but I trust it was a peaceful trip down. Maybe some fishes (and plankton?) accompanied her on her journey down to the seabed….

We had loose flowers with us and each of us scattered some flowers into the sea as well as we bade our final goodbyes to Mama.

We went back into the sheltered area of the boat and sat down again, chatting while we made our way back to the jetty. It was an excursion of sorts too I suppose.

We parted ways at the jetty and Adrian dropped Mum and Dad and I at Bugis. He had to go back to work. I brought Mum and Dad out for lunch and accompanied them home. I stayed there for the afternoon before making my way back in the evening to begin my second “job” as a mum….

The Proceedings III - Monday 14 April 2014

Seeing how my Dad, Adrian and I had always been the first ones to be Mama’s wake, my Aunt assigned one of my cousins to be the first one instead on Monday morning.

After getting Little Baby ready for school, I managed to sleep some more. When I woke though, a sudden overwhelming grief washed over me. I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. And cried. I tried not to dwell on it too much though. I still had to get ready to go out. Forced myself to go wash up and shower. It was 11am or so when I reached the wake.

Being a Monday, there were not many people who came by. The afternoon still passed quickly though as we chatted amongst ourselves. It was soon 5:30pm.

At 5:40pm, Father Edward Lim from the Holy Trinity Church in Tampines reached. He conducted his service and by 5:50pm he was done. We got ourselves ready. 8 of us immediate family members followed behind when staff transported Mama’s coffin downstairs to the waiting hearse. Dad, Mum, myself, Adrian, Aunt, Uncle, Celine and Randall. The rest of the relatives and friends, maybe 15 in all, took another lift and waited for us downstairs.

When Mama was brought downstairs, it started to drizzle. The hearse was blaring out “Amazing Grace”. When her coffin was being placed into the hearse Aunt and Mum started to cry. I started as well. The staff handed out umbrellas to all of us. The 8 of us positioned ourselves behind the hearse and followed it as it slowly drove out.

It was a slow march. Adrian, Dad, Mum had their hand on the hearse. I couldn’t get a space and left it at that. The drizzle had by now turned into a downpour. It was as if the sky was shedding its tears for Mama. It was all quite touching, dramatic and sad at the same time.

We marched for just a little while till we reached the junction leading out to the main road. Staff said we could stop there and regroup. Those with cars would meet us at the Mandai crematorium. Those without transport would take the bus we had chartered. Adrian’s car and K and I were the only two cars following behind the hearse as a small convoy.

It was raining heavily for the entire journey from Lavender to Mandai. Adrian later said that Mama’s sending off was so dramatic.

Father Edward was already there in the service hall waiting for us when we reached. The room was very very cold when we stepped in. It was a quaint and peaceful room though. Mama was laid in the centre of the front of the room. Father Edward led his service. I could hear sniffling in the room and tissues being used. I was tearing myself.

We were instructed to each say our final goodbyes and were each given a stalk of pink carnation to lay on her coffin. We went one by one in a single file. I told Mama to rest in peace. I said goodbye to her. I told her to take care of herself while up there in Heaven. I told her to meet up with Ipoh, Tuanku and all her other dead relatives while up there.

When I went back to my seat, I saw that Dad was crying. He was clutching her photograph (the big framed one used for the wake) to his chest and he was crying. I’d only ever seen him tear up once in my entire life. And that was a few years ago when Mama had been hospitalised and the doctors told us to be prepared for the worst. This time round, it was full out crying.

I was upset. I didn’t know how to console him except to sit next to him and hug him.

We were then told to head to the viewing room. We made our way there. I followed close behind Dad. K was right behind or beside me all the time as well.

There was a loud silence in the viewing room, despite the more than 20 of us there. Silence broken by the occasional sob, the occasional rustling of tissue paper. It felt heavy and oppressive. Dad was still holding Mama’s photo to his chest and he looked at it from time to time. His eyes were red and teary.

We waited.

5minutes later we saw in the room down below staff placing Mama’s coffin onto a platform. A minute later the platform bearing her coffin started moving slowly towards another door, beyond which we would not have sight of. This really was the final goodbye, the last we would ever see of her. 

Dad started crying again. My Aunt cried out loud “Bye Bye Mak Cim (Peranakan lingo for Mother)! Bye Bye Mama! Bye Bye Ah Chor! Rest in Peace! Bye Bye! Bye Bye! Pergi carik Ipoh dengan Tuanku! (Go find Ipoh and Tuanku. They were Mama’s deceaded siblings).”

My distant cousins, Paul and Brenda, who were my granny’s god-son and god-daughter, also shouted “Bye Bye Kue Mah!”

Most were crying at that point as the platform inched closer to the door leading to the furnace.

 

Marc looked a little bewildered. At age 11, I don’t blame him. I don't think he feels very close to his great-grandmother. He'd never seen his grandparents cry before. And I don’t believe he had ever been in a situation where most of the adults in the room were crying. I wonder if he found it overwhelming.

The coffin soon went through the second door and then the door closed.

 

That was it.

 

The end of a story 98 years in the making.

We were ushered outside to an area with benches. Adrian was by Dad’s side this time. He looked like a broken man from behind. Instead of standing tall and proud like he always did, he looked hunched over. Adrian held Dad and supported him.

 

But Dad recovered quickly and being the practical people that my parents are, he soon started trying to arrange for logistics for a relative who had no car and had to find his way home.

There was a sudden change in mood. It felt strange. In the viewing room it felt heavy and oppressive. Once out of there, and as people were walking out, the mood lifted. I could hear small talk going on and some muted laughter as people huddled around in small groups.  

Life goes on I suppose.

We thanked the relatives and went our separate ways from Mandai. K & I dropped my Aunt off and her two friends before heading home ourselves. It was still relatively early when we got home around 840pm and I finally got to spend more time with Little Baby.

The Proceedings II - Sunday 13 April 2014

It was Palm Sunday. The orbituary was also published that day.

I brought the little girl to see her great-grandmother for the final time. It was 930am when we reached. I was glad that Little Baby did not fuss and was pretty much calm. I told her that Ah Chor was sleeping and that Ah Chor would be going to a better place. I told her that Ah Chor was going home to be with the Lord and that both he and she would look after us from above. I told her to wave goodbye to Ah Chor. And I held her little hand and we patted Mama’s coffin together.

It was emotional for me. While I am disappointed that Mama did not get to interact with Little Baby the way she had interacted with her other great-grandchildren last time, I was still glad that at least the both of them had a chance to meet when Mama was still alive. Even if Mama did not register anything in her mind, at least she saw Little Baby already.

K and my inlaws brought Little Baby home around 11am. It was relatively quiet till after lunch. Many people dropped by. We already expected it.

I was very touched that Tazzee popped by even though his own dad was recovering in hospital from an unfortunate incident. I hope his dad is healing well and that he is discharged by now.

Daniel and YL came by, as did the rest of the secondary school peeps.

Dad and Mum’s friends. My Aunt’s friends. My cousin’s friends. My Dad’s relatives. My Mum’s relatives. Adrian's church friends. Mama’s youngest brother came as well. (He’s 86 by the way. Spritely and very fit. He still plays tennis twice a week.)

It was hectic in a sense. I was hopping between tables, chatting with various groups, in between clearing and cleaning tables and giving out drinks and collecting contributions. Adrian, Mei and Marc had to be away for that afternoon because they had to go for their rehearsal in church. Rehearsal for their baptism during Easter Vigil this coming Saturday evening. Adrian shared with me that he was disappointed that Mama passed on before their family’s baptism.

By the time dinner came by, I felt a little woozy from the constant talking but more so from the lack of sleep. When the crowd thinned a little, I sat on a chair and "stoned".

I was worried for Mum and Dad too. Mum had caught a cold and fallen sick on the last two days of her trip to Korea. She was on medication and looked drawn and pale. She was napping on the sofa in the room whenever she could. And Dad had been running around since Friday night. He’s getting old too and I was worried that he would be very tired. I kept nagging at him to sit down and rest whenever he had the chance to.

After tabulating the contributions and clearing up the room, I managed to get home slightly earlier around 11pm. K was also very tired, he had been looking after Little Baby on his own for two whole days.

It was a busy day and I did not have time to dwell much on Mama.

The Proceedings I - Saturday 12 April 2014

Dad, Adrian and Aunt were at the Singapore Casket on Saturday morning handling all the administrative proceedings. From choosing the colour of the coffin to choosing the type of floral arrangements to the type of backdrop to use to the type of catering and snacks and drinks to have, they settled all of that.

I was in charge of the orbituary and went home to do it up and prepare her photo for publishing. It was a rush. In between taking care of Nadya and trying to shower myself, I tried to settle Mama’s orbituary.

By the time I settled things and reached the Singapore Casket premises, it was after lunch around 2pm.

The room had already been set up. The floral stands were there, the candles were there, Jesus and a large gold cross adorned the backdrop, and her coffin was there, right amongst the flowers.

Her coffin was white. It looked pure. The flowers were carnations. White carnations interspersed with pink ones for contrast and some colour. The candles were white as well. I thought the staff did a good job. The set-up looked quite good, pure and pristine.

She looked different however. Strange actually. Her hair was slicked back and kept in place with gel. That was not how she styled her hair when she was still mobile last time. She had on light make-up and a somewhat reddish shade of lipstick. I’d never ever seen her wear lipstick in all my 34 years of existence. We all agreed that the lipstick was somewhat too red and glossy and possibly garish. We requested for it to be toned down. The staff did a good job of toning the colour down to a more natural shade of coral pink. I felt it was still a little too glossy though but did not say anything.

She was dressed in her lavender pink kebaya top with diamante kerosang to hold it in place. Her sarong was brown with purple, white and blue accents. And she was wearing her blue Scholl sandals. Her hands were clasped together above her tummy and her rosary was strung between her fingers. She had her dentures put in and looked at peace.

By then, Dad and Aunt had notified all relatives. They started arriving in trickles from mid-afternoon onwards. In ones or twos or small goups of three or four. More swung by in the evening and at night.

We were kept busy with the relatives and trying to arrange for a sea burial (her wishes which she stated  a long time ago), trying to get a pastor down for a service prayer, trying to proof read and finalise the orbituary advertisement, trying to confirm the sea burial boat charter and timing and trying to confirm the catering arrangements for the next few days.

I was in charge of managing the contributions from visitors to the wake as well. My cousin and I took turns for this.

People paid their respects and mostly, time was spent chatting to relatives and friends. It was some sort of gathering and a time for catching up, especially for relatives whom we have not seen for a long long time.

Amongst the mundane chatter was a highlight that brought me much smiles. TH and Diana popped by and they shared with me that they were engaged already. I saw her beautiful ring. But apparently she was not too happy with the way TH did his proposal. Too pragmatic. Too practical. I think the older he gets the more he loses touch of his romantic side. So typical of him. Anyway, I was very happy for them. I think they make a very good couple.

Mum had just touched down from Korea that night at 1015pm. When she texted Dad to say that she had landed, Dad immediately called her and broke the news.

It was 1130pm by the time I got home that night. I missed the little girl a lot but didn’t get a chance to see her till the next morning.

The Day She Left

The first time we were told to be prepared for the worst was back in June 2009. I still remember that night. I was in Sydney on a business trip. I was not feeling well and K was having a bad time as well back in Singapore. I just had a warm shower and was resting in the hotel room when my Dad called me. He sounded upset and worried and his voice broke several times. He said that Mama was in a bad shape in hospital and the doctor told us to be prepared. I was upset. I was overseas and didn’t know whether to rush back to Singapore or not. I prayed a lot that night. Thankfully, Mama pulled through.

Since that night, she had been in hospital on and off. Sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a year. There were many occasions when the doctors told us to be prepared. And there were many other occasions when the nursing home called my Dad to tell him that her oxygen levels seemed low or that she seemed to be not doing so well. In the past year, this happened even more frequently.

But each time, she ended up being okay.

She was more or less lucid and responsive up till the beginning of 2013. February or March 2013 was when she lost it completely. She could not recognise people anymore, not even my Dad or Aunt. She also stopped talking to us. She did not acknowledge us anymore and when we spoke to her, all she did was stare back at us. We did not even know if she registered anything in her brain or not. On occasions when she spoke, it was gibberish and mainly in Malay and mainly pertaining to her own dead parents. Two weeks ago, she had called for her mother to come and get her.

She went for her geriatric check-up on Wednesday 9 April 2014. The doctor told my Dad and Aunt that it would be better to ward her instead as she had low oxygen, low blood pressure and high sodium and urea content in her blood. So ward her we did.

On Thursday and even Friday afternoon, both my Dad and Aunt updated us that she seemed to be stabilising. She was fed a cocktail of drugs. More chemicals were pumped through her body through an IV drip. According to my Aunt, on Friday afternoon, when a nurse was administering something to her or adjusting a tube on her, she was still strong and feisty enough to resist and even gave the nurse a good pinch. It was not a simple pinch, it was a pinch coupled with a twist.

I had actually thought to myself that she would not be going this time round. I somehow had a feeling that she would be pulling through and would be discharged in a few days’ time.

But I was wrong. Very wrong.

At 9:45pm on Friday night, she had a seizure and her heart stopped. By 9:50pm, the nurses had called my Aunt and Dad to tell them she was in a critical state and to get immediate family members down to the hospital. By 9:55pm, my Dad had informed me and my brother. By 10:30pm, I was there at the hospital by her bedside. My Aunt was there already. Dad and Adrian arrived 5minutes later.

But it was too late. She was already long gone. The nurses and doctor had tried to resuscitate her since 9:45pm. The doctor told us that they would not be trying anymore and would put it in the records that the official time of death was 10:30pm.

When I saw her, she was still hooked up to the machines, the ventilator and the heart rate monitor. She was on artificial sustenance and her chest was still heaving up and down due to air being pumped into her lungs. She looked like she was sleeping and still breathing normally. The only thing was that her eyes were open and she looked pale.

I was tearing, Adrian was tearing. Dad and Aunt kept their composure.

I patted her silver hair. I spoke to her. I told her I loved her. I told her that she was going home to the Lord and may she rest in peace. I told her that she could now meet her two sisters and her brother and also her parents. I touched her hands. They were so so cold. Her fingers were rigid. It was less than an hour since she had gone and they had hardened already. I did not know rigor mortis sets in so fast. I touched her right cheek and her skin felt so soft. But she was cold there too. She was not stiff there yet but her face was cold and frigid. Maybe it was the aircon in the hospital. I don’t know. Maybe her warm soul had already left her body.

We waited for my other cousins to arrive and see her before the doctor removed her pacemaker. Her wishes were for her to be cremated and the pacemaker had to be taken out in case it exploded in the furnace.

It was a long wait at the hospital before all the administrative proceedings were done and before all the equipment were unhooked from her and removed from her bedside. The death certificate was issued. By then, at 1:00am, the rest had left. Only Dad, Adrian and I accompanied her in a room called the “Last Office” while we waited for the Singapore Casket people to come pick her up.

When the Singapore Casket staff arrived, Mama was wrapped up in a white cloth and placed in a cold, hard and grey metal box. It felt cold and clinical and detached. She was wheeled downstairs and we were escorted by the hospital staff through a long maze of corridors and service alleyways, following right behind her. You would not see these long corridors if you were a visitor to the hospital. These were all hidden from public view and only staff knew they existed.

When we reached the holding room next to the mortuary downstairs, she was placed on a metal table and was still covered by the white cloth. Her feet were showing though. They had been tied together with white string. Her skin looked waxy. The hospital staff asked us to verify that it was her before she could be taken away by the Singapore Casket staff. Adrian did the verification. She was then placed in the Singapore Casket van and taken away.

It felt surreal. It was 2:10am. In the dead of night, the three of us walked silently back to Adrian’s car. I decided to go back to my Dad’s place and spend the night there.

Adrian dropped us off and Dad and I spent the next 45minutes preparing her kebaya and sarong and shoes. For her to wear in her coffin.

It was 3:30am by the time I went to bed. I had been awake for 21 or 22 hours by then. I was exhausted and slept. For 3 hours.

 Dad and I woke at 6-plus. He could not sleep anymore and I somehow woke up as well even though I was still feeling quite tired. Adrian picked us up at 7:30am and we went to her nursing home to collect her belongings and clear out her cupboard.

We also wanted to collect her dentures, her spectacles and her rosary to be placed together with her in her coffin.

Dad and I broke the news to the staff nurse there. One of Mama’s neighbours kept asking me if “Auntie” was coming back and when. The staff nurse signalled to me from afar to keep the news from the rest of the old ladies. I told them that Mama was still in hospital seeing the doctor. They nodded to themselves and muttered “ok”. I think some of them knew deep down that she was already gone.

Thank you

Thank you little teddy for always being there with Mama. You gave her your warmth and comfort when she was sleeping. You accompanied her when she was awake. You were her partner in crime when she fought with the nursing home carers. You were steadfast and loyal to the end. Thank you...she's gone now and we're letting you go now too....

RIP

Mama, may you rest in peace. You are with the good Lord now. I love you and I hope you get all your favourite food up there in Heaven. 

Craft time :)

Feeling excited! :) 

The essential oils and reed diffuser sticks I ordered have arrived. I waited only 3 days! Gonna start making my own essential oil diffuser! 

Geranium, citronella and lemongrass. Will be using grapeseed oil as the carrier oil. Got a bottle from NTUC for a couple of dollars. Got the glass bottle holder already as well. 

Now it's just mixing the right proportions of essential oil to carrier oil. Did not manage to get alcohol to mix in as well. Hopefully it doesn't undermine the quality of the concoction I will be making. 

Trying to do it both for fragrance and as an insect/mosquito repellant. :))) 

Can't wait for tmr to arrive so I can experiment and create my DIY diffuser! With my own blend of oils!

Granny

Gran seems to have stabilised a little. But the sodium and urea levels in her blood stream are still high. Dermatologist said there likely were parasites on her skin, which explains her constant scratching. Her BP is better than yesterday but still on the low side. Oxygen levels are back to normal but that is because she is hooked up to a constant supply of oxygen. 

She's still drowsy 95% of the time. Just found out from Dad who said the doctor said that it was because of the anti-depressant medication that she is taking.

Doc is looking to stop some of the medication she takes on a daily basis. Apparently, she's so old that the medication won't work on her anymore. 

Dad and Aunt M have also given the hospital the instruction that if anything were to happen to Gran, no CPR need be administered to her. Just let her be. Her bones are too brittle now and her chest and ribs will definitely crack if CPR were administered. And if she survived any CPR, she would suffer even more thereafter because of her cracked bones, which won't be able to heal much because of her advanced age. 

Stay strong Granny. I love you. I have not told you this before and but I will tell you now. 

I'm sorry too that I was a brat when I was a young girl and you were taking care of me. 

Stay strong ok....I'll bring Nadya to see you when you get better.,,,

*wails*

I've never had a paper cut that drew so much blood. :(  happened just this afternoon. 

Cough cough go away

I have been naughty. I admit. 

I allowed myself a small indulgence yesterday and got myself a cup of honey green tea. Cold. No pearls though. 

And by night time, my cough which was already tapering off started rearing its head again. :( 

Gah. 

5 years and counting...

Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of K and I being together. How time flies. Within these 5 years, we studied French together, he went overseas for a year, we got married, moved in together and had a child.

So fast, so much. There's been many highs, there's been some lows and as many if not more in betweens. 

Thank you for being my pillar baby. Love you! Here's to many many more years ahead! :) 

Granny

Gran is warded again. Dehydration, low oxygen, low BP, high sodium and uric acid in blood. 

Really hope she stabilizes soon. 

Kpopping again

Was listening to kpop again yesterday at work. And made some observations about the cookie-cutter kpop bands. It's the same across boy or girl Korean bands. 

1. They all dance. Some are naturals and I believe others are able to do so due to rigorous training. They all have synchronized steps. 

2. There's always a leader of the group. 

3. There's always one or two members who have their hair dyed a bold colour. Be it gold or blonde or platinum or silver or....

4. There's always a member who's main job is to rap.

5. There's almost always a member who grew up in a western country. This member would usually be the one who taps in English as well.

6. There's always a member who's supposed to be the cutie pie of the group.

7. For girl bands, for counter balance to the cutie pie, there's always one member who would be portrayed as a tomboy or one with a more aggressive attitude

8. They always have an act-cute song, a ballad, a rapping song and a more angsty song in their repertoire. 

6 months on

Happy 6 months Little Baby! :)

May you grow up to be a wonderful and exceptional woman and remain healthy and happy always. 

It's been 6 months. Yet I still think to myself sometimes "I can't believe she's here". 

Counting my blessings everyday and thanking God for keeping her safe, healthy and happy. 

Another weekend

Another weekend has zipped by. Time goes by so fast!

This week it was running errands and caring for the little girl who had diarrhoea. Lots of cleaning up on Friday night and Saturday.

These days K and I sleep within minutes after lying down on the bed.

Oh and I've not gone to see Granny for quite awhile. Sigh, I should go see her sometime soon. 

Feeling bad

My boss got on my nerves this morning. And my tone to him was not good. His PA who overheard my phone conversation with said it sounded like I was scolding him instead of the other way around.

Now I feel bad and impolite and disrespectful. Sigh. 

Too many "skirmishes" with him this week. 

Update: I apologized. He said no issue. Life moves on.

I need to learn not to let such things get my mood down. Oh I am so touchy these days...:( 

Michelle the Grouch

Getting too grouchy, irritable and emotional these few days for my liking. 

Thought I was holding out pretty well but last week took its toll on me. Falling sick again and having to entertain guests from overseas must have zapped me of my positive energies, whatever little I have of them. 

K says I need a break. 

Feeling affected today again. And it got worse because of some things that happened at work. Feel a little like crying now. Sigh.

I need to let go of the negative thoughts as well. And as Mas my colleague puts it......"Remember don't let other people's words or actions stop you from enjoying life." 

Break record

It's official. This is the 6th time I'm seeing a doc in 3 months. Having fever this time round. Apparently I caught a virus again. FML. 

And doc is warning me to monitor my fever because he has seen 8 confirmed cases of dengue around the area already. 

Ugh. The year so far hasn't been that smooth for me...Jiayou Michelle....

Jiayou!!

Awake for 19 hours yesterday and doing something every minute of it. 

May today be less hectic. 

4 more days of the event. Ganbatte!!!

===========

Coughing again after not drinking enough water yesterday. 

Hope it can be contained and that I don't need to see the doc again. 

女人味?

Met someone today whom I've not seen for close to a year. She said that I am more womanly now after marriage n after becoming a mother. "比较有女人味”

Lol I didn't know how to react and just laughed. 

I should ask K if he thinks that description is accurate. 

冤枉

Sucks when you get told off by the 2nd biggest boss of the entire organisation which has close to 2,000 staff. In an email with 2 other big bosses. For something not caused by you. 

Nabeh is all I can say right now. 

This year has not gone very well. I hope things pick up soon...

Kpopping day

Trying something new. Listening to kpop today. Chanced upon some playlist of male kpop artists and kpop boybands and continued with it. 

While the songs are catchy, I'm wondering why a lot of the boys look so scrawny and feminine and are always dressed in skinny pants. They can easily pass off as pubescent teenage girls. Damn, some of them look more feminine than me! 

And girls are going gaga over them? Why ah? I am curious and would like to know. Are the days gone where girls swooned over more mature and macho looking guys? Hmmm....

When Little Baby grows up next time, I wonder how the music scene will be like...and what type of boys there will be...

*sniff* *cough*

The 3rd month of 2014 hasn't even passed yet. And I've been to the doc 5 times already. Not a good start to the year so far. 

Tee Gong Boh Pi....

Bless my family and me...

Hmm

This is very strange. It's been 8.5 years after the brain surgery. That's a long time.  For at least 3years I've not felt anything much on that area unless I've been lying on it for too long. 

But I'm working in office now and I suddenly felt an ache there. :( 

These few days my right eye (same side as the scar) has been feeling weird as well. :(

I love my mum

So apparently this year is not so good for the Tiger and the Monkey. And to make the year a smoother one, you need to go to Guanyin Temple and 打小人. 

My mum's a Tiger. She texted me this morning. 

"Big Aunt said you need to 打小人 also. I am at the temple with her now. I help you 打 already. Hope the year ahead will be better and smoother for you."

I love my mum. She does the oddest things sometimes but that's cos she cares for us a lot and always has our best interests at heart. 

Work woes

Harassed by auditor at work. I know it's her job to dig but I seriously feel harassed and frustrated. 

Who the hell wants to know what happened 2 years ago? It's all water under the bridge.

Being penalized now for things which were not undertaken by me. A lot of time wasted which could have been put to better use. 

Wonder if this was why I felt so high-strung and stressed up on Tues evening. 

My two darlings

Little Baby's germs must be quite happy for they have managed to find another host body.

K is down now...

Either that or it's the bad dry weather. 

Whatever it is, drink more water folks for the dry hot spell is expected to continue for another 2-3 weeks...

Little baby is better now except for the occasional chesty and phelgmy coughing episode. 

As for K, get well soon sayang...

Word mix

It's funny yet pretty common. 

My colleague refers to "roster" as "rooster". He spells it and pronounces it as rooster but he knows the difference between the 2 words. 

An ex-colleague says and writes "own" instead of "owe". 

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I were working nearer to home. Then I'd be able to commute more effectively to and fro. And then I'd be able to get home faster to see Little Baby too. 

7-yr itch?

That niggling feeling is back. The one that makes me feel like I am beginning to dislike whatever I am doing at work, especially the policy-related type of work. 

Is it me? Am I feeling tired? Come September, I'll have been at this place for 7 years. Is it the 7-year itch? If I stay, what will happen? If I get a transfer, will I be able to handle the new scope? Especially now when Little Baby is here. 

I don't want to be rash and just up and go from this place. I've done that before and it got me into a bigger shithole. 

Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe maybe.....

Staying put in the meantime. Playing it safe. Extremely safe. Can't afford to just change jobs like that now. Or get a transfer. Many considerations to be had...

Mini Einstein?

Beginning to feel that her hair sometimes resembles that of Albert Einstein. She woke up on Saturday morning and her hair looked like this. Explosive, puffy and bushy and....almost looking like Einstein. Well, I hope she at least has his brains.

:))

She smiled at me. My heart, it melted.

Bah...

Ok I admit. I've backslided in terms of grooming.

Headed out for lunch this afternoon with K. And with an almost bare face, my nerdy specs, hairy pits, unplucked brows, unwashed hair, unshaven legs and peeling paint on my toenails. 

Tak glam. 

Sigh. Is this what happens when you're tired out from motherly duties? 

Jiayou Linda

Sometimes all a person needs is a listening ear. Not advice. 

A warm cuppa, 15mins of my listening ear time and some well-placed words. 

I hope I made a difference to my colleague's day. I might not have been able to help her manage her challenging situation but I hope I still helped her a little by listening to her. 

Like mother like daughter

Maybe I should say like daughter like mother.

She's taking Zyrtec. 

I was prescribed Zyrtec too lol.

Little Baby is doing better today

Her fever, although low-grade, was around on and off since Tuesday. I have been sponging her three to four times each day and I'm so glad it finally broke yesterday afternoon. And she's been clear of it till now.

I've also been diligently spraying, clearing and cleaning her nose so her nasal mucus has pretty much cleared up quite abit too. 

What's left is the difficult one which I have no idea how to tackle. The cough and phelgm. Hmm...

Sibei shack

No other words to describe.....Zzzz

Argh

I knew it. I knew this would happen. I left her sleeping. Very soundly. One of the inlaws was watching over her while I went down to have my lunch. And now, only 10-15mins later, she's somehow awake and being brought downstairs.

Argh. 

Too much noise.  

Too much hovering around. 

:(

Get well soon my little girl...daddy and mummy are worried about you...

Of motherhood

My sister-in-law once told me:

"In the course of your motherhood, you will get people commenting on the way you take care of your child. Sometimes it is with good intent, sometimes it is because of ignorance. Good or bad intent, these words might still bring hurt to you. Try to brush these aside and have faith in what you do. What's more important is that the child is healthy and happy."

How true, Dasao. How true. 

I don't know how many times I have been judged when I share that Little Baby is in infant care. Responses range from incredulous shocked looks which clearly depict "what kind of mother are you???", to more placid reactions like "oh ok! My friend also." And also some nonchalant "ah ok..."

More often than not though it is the former response. And it is usually followed by the person catching himself or herself in mid-action. Some get slightly embarrassed by their own reaction but eventually everyone recovers enough to continue probing. "Expensive right?" "Why?" "You not scared meh?" "What if...." "Har but why?" "You trust them meh?" 

I'm getting slightly tired of these reactions. But I guess, it's just the beginning....there will be more to come. 

The judging, the comments, and the "instructions" coming from various folks...

Everyone seems to be a parent, even when they are not. :) 

Docs earn a lot

Waited 1.5hrs and saw the doc for less than 5 minutes. Sigh. 

There was only one doc and right after he saw me, the second doc came in and the queue moved much faster. Sigh.

3rd visit to the doc and February isn't even over yet. Sigh. 

Two times for bad stomach and once for cough and stuffed nose. Sigh. 

Proud mama

This is Little Baby's first-ever artwork. Done at the age of 4 months and 8 days I'm pretty sure there will be many more art pieces to come. Looking forward!

Bedtime......almost

I enjoy these quiet moments. I try to have them as often as I can. Lying on the bed, just before falling asleep, ruminating, relaxing and feeling thankful for all that I have...

K, Little Baby, my family, my close friends, my stable job, my house which is coming soon, the home K and I are going to build together, my health (though not tiptop but good enough haha), the opportunities given to me at work, colleagues whom I get along with, etc...

Whoosh...

It's been a blur since going back to work.

Wake, feed the girl, wipe and change her and get her ready for school, bathe, prepare myself for work, have a quick breakfast, head to work, bury myself in the tons of things to do while missing her terribly, rush home after work, have a quick dinner, bathe the girl, feed her, put her to sleep, wash bottles, get her things ready for school, bathe, dry hair, indulge in some handphone games, sleep and hope that she doesn't wake in the middle of the night. 

And then the cycle continues the next day...

Bus or cab rides to and from work are spent zoning out or napping for now. Till I find something more meaningful to keep my fuzzy wuzzy mind occupied with.

Interestingly, the 4mins spent typing this post out on my mobile feels quite peaceful. Sitting on my bed and it's dusk with a slight breeze blowing in from the windows. 

Ah ok. The bottles beckon. Time to wash them and prep stuff for her bath!!

Hmmmm....

Office cleaner auntie only saw me today.

Auntie: 欢迎你回来！新年快乐！

Me: oh, 新年快乐！

Auntie: 你看起来比以前好看。真的。比较成熟。

Me: ????

Rant time

Friggin waste of my time. 

I spent a whole day looking through an accreditation application during my maternity leave because I wanted to help a teammate as she was covering me. 

Another colleague W, was supposed to cover me for another portion of the same issue and since I had the prior understanding of how to do it, I listed down a whole list of notes for W to follow-up on as well. Only to now discover that W didn't even pay heed to me and ignored whatever I passed on to her. 

Wtf really. 

Rank比其他人大就能这样taiji吗??? 

也许是我笨，not smart enough at work. 每次就这样傻傻的被override. 

Too much tired

Yesterday was my first day back at work after 4.5 months of leave. 

I missed the little girl but it wasn't as bad as I'd expected. There were things to occupy me. It was kinda tiring though. Brain was a little fuzzy from not enough sleep. When I reached home in the evening, the helper's first sentence to me was....

"Mam, you look too much tired. Ya, too much tired." 

Infant care

4 Feb was her first day at infant care. It was still ok because we spent 2 hours there with her in the morning and another hour in the afternoon. 

Yesterday was tougher because we left her there in the morning and only picked her up at 6pm.  

Missing my Little Baby. Am glad we started this week instead of next week actually. Because it'll be harder for me to adjust next week when I go back to work. 

Then there are the constant thoughts. Is she ok? How is she doing? Is she cold? Has she taken her milk? Did she manage to nap? Did she get tummy time today? ......

Mental preparation

One, to get a grip on myself when Little Baby goes to infant care tomorrow. Think I'll miss her alot and will probably worry about whether she's doing fine.

Two, to psych myself up for 10 Feb when I'll be heading back to work. There is already a big list of things to do. Some of them tedious stuff and all within a certain timeline. The covering officer did not her job. But oh well, I know her "pattern" and half expected this to happen. 

Three, to learn how to manage both work and personal life going forward, now that Little Baby is in the picture. Think there'll be good days and bad days but whatever it is, I'll try to face it with a smile. Well, maybe a scowl or two here and there should be ok? 

Dongdongdongchiang

It's Little Baby's first CNY. I hope she enjoyed seeing new places and hearing different sounds. She was out almost the entire day and got quite cranky by 8pm.

芯乐，新年快乐！妈妈祝你快搞长大，天天开心，生体健康，事事顺心，梦想成真！

The Dance

"Might I have this dance young lady?" I asked.

I gave her my finger and she held onto it tightly.

I held her close and she laid her head on my shoulder. 

And we danced. I twirled her around the room. 

Jazz played in the background on the radio.

When the jazz hour ended I sang and hummed more songs.

And still we danced. I felt happy and free. 

I was laughing. 

She was more subdued but she gurgled and played along and indulged in my excesses.

And we danced. For a good 15-20minutes. 

Just me and her. 

Thank you Little Baby. For dancing with Mummy. 

You gave Mummy the best 20mins ever. :) 

P/s: and then she lost her patience and started bawling.

Granny

She's having skin infection as well, on top of her chest infection. Now they've quarantined her to a single bedder room so that she doesn't pass whatever she has to other patients. 

They have also put her back on the drip. And are plying her with anti-epilepsy pills to control her fits. 

I won't be able to visit her anymore. Can't risk bringing any weird infectious thing back to the little girl. 

Relying on updates from my Dad and Aunt. 

Stay strong Granny. 

Scary dream

Had a bad dream last night. Again. 

But last night's was pretty scary. 

I don't remember much except that it had creepy crawlies and roaches and had some supernatural ring to it. I so remember seeing a green-colored satchel with blood stains being on he ground. It was a crime scene or something like that. 

Ugh. Already not having enough sleep and now whatever little sleep I get is plagued by weird ass dreams. 

Zzzzz.....

Stomach spoil again

I always seem to get a weird tummy just before, during or just after a festive occasion. 

The last time it happened was on 1 Jan New Year's Day. 

Had slight diarrhoea on Sat night, had a really queasy tummy on Sunday, and had slight diarrhoea again today. 

Argh. Popping pills from the doc. 

May I recover by the time CNY comes! I still want my bak kwa, pineapple tarts and heh bee hiam rolls.

Stay strong Michelle. 

Little Baby

The poor little girl had two jabs this morning. Part of a whole series of vaccinations she would have in her early years.

She is starting to warm up. I think she'll develop a fever in the middle of the night or by tomorrow morning. 

Stay strong little one. 

Granny

Apparently the previous strokes Granny had left scars on her brain. And these scars in turn have caused parts of her brain to not work as well as before. Probably that's why she can't really recognise us anymore. 

And these same scars caused her to have epileptic fits this afternoon. She was actually supposed to be discharged tomorrow but now, with the occurrence of these episodes of fits, we are not sure how long more she needs to be warded. Sigh. The docs are sending her for an MRI scan to determine how else to treat her. 

Keeping our fingers crossed. Sigh.

Stay strong Granny.

Granny

Gran is in hospital again. Chest infection and urinary tract infection. Double whammy this time round. 

Once again the hospital staff had to restrain her and tie her hands to the sides of the bed to prevent her from scratching herself and from pulling out the drip plug on her left hand. 

She's old and frail but she's still a feisty one when she wants to. 

I hope she gets well before CNY arrives. She'll be 98 when 7 Feb comes around. God, please protect her. 

Conversations

I realized there's a lot of monologues and 自问自答 situations when talking to a baby who can't yet speak. Hahahah.

You won't feel it that much when you're the one doing the talking but when you watch and hear another person doing it, it's always pretty amusing. Hahah...

K: (holding a book) This is a ruler. 

LB: (stares)

K: What goes with a ruler? 

LB: (stares)

K: A pencil! Yes! A pencil! This is a pencil. 

LB: (stares) 

Zzz

Not been sleeping well the last couple of days. Either I'm plagued by strange and sometimes bad dreams or I get a slight anxious or panicky episode while I am

half awake. 

How I wish I can sleep like Little Baby...without a care in the world.

Kyler's upcoming bday

Oh we have a party to attend! :) 

See you soon Kyler! You are reaching your Terrific Three soon!

Social Media

Since the last GE when the masses discovered the power of social media, people have been using (and abusing) it. 

From rants on FB to rants on blog sites. From seditious alternative news sites to more neutral forums and platforms. 

People seem to have more to say. Some make sense. Others don't. Some just keep nitpicking but don't offer solutions. More others just state their views blindly and superficially or go with the crowd. Is this the reversal of political apathy in Singapore? 

==========

And then there are douchebags like Anton Casey. Mouthing off his arrogance for the world to see. (Literally the world. Articles of this incident has since been published on UK, US and AU sites) 

You may have your own opinions but whatever it is, denigrating others (and very publicly at that) is just not right. 

Too pretty to eat!

TH and Diana went to Osaka in December and bought this box of multicolored sweets for Kyne and I. 

But, oh the sweets are so lovely! Too pretty to eat! They are still sitting nicely in the plastic packaging lol. Couldn't bear to open it. 

Lovely surprise

In this current world of rampant technology where SMS-es, emails and Whtsapp messages inundate us on a daily basis, I was touched and pleasantly surprised to receive a card through the mail. As in snail mail, through the post. 

The moment I saw the handwritten address on the envelope, I knew the card was from Ally. 20 years of seeing her handwriting, it was definitely her unmistakable print. :) 

Reading the card brought a smile to my face and several tears to my eyes. Yes yes, I'm emo lol. 

Oh but I love the card, I love the bear and I love the flowers!

Thank you Ally. For being my friend too. And for being there all these while. :)

Positivity is a choice?

"One can choose to be happy or miserable. I choose the former."

Posted by a friend on his FB status this morning. 

I should learn to do this. Make it a point to see the positive points of each situation or circumstance and not dwell too much on the negatives. 

I should make it a point too to remain more calm and not get easily worked up over certain things as how I've been over the last few months since Nadya was born. 

I should try to see things in a different perspective. Try to see them in a more positive light perhaps. 

So many "shoulds". Still learning. And I hope still improving. Afterall learning is a lifelong process.

But I should keep in mind too that I shouldn't bottle up unhappy feelings. I just need to manage them better and minimize their occurrence. 

Signed

The deed is done. 

Work team

Many new personnel changes in my team. Two left during my maternity leave and now there are two new hires. But actually these two new joiners are both from the industry so we've all known each other for several years already. For the new technical guy, I personally think he is good at what he does. Humble, sincere and down to earth as well.

People in my super niche industry always end up playing "musical chairs" and hopping over between the vendor, registrar and registry. And also often between organizations based in different countries. No choice, niche industry with niche knowledge and experience. Sometimes it is worthwhile getting an experienced person from overseas rather than hiring a newbie from the local pool.

Feeling excited! Feeling renewed energy and faith in our team too! Many changes for the team in 2014. There will be a change in both work and interpersonal dynamics as well. Onward we go!

:)

Stay happy always, Little Baby. :)

Dusk

My favourite part of the day. 

When I feel most at peace. 

The picture above doesn't really capture the colour of the sky which is various shades of pink and purple. 

Today, listening to jazz and doing some simple chores. Little Baby is on an adventure downstairs with the inlaws. 

Jazz always soothes me...amazing how the smooth notes and silky voices feel like as if they are caressing my soul...

Peace and solitude. For now.

活该

知错能改是件好事。知错照做是活该。

午餐真的不应该吃那第二块鸡翅膀。。。现在肚子又开始有点不舒服了。。。

Of health and checkups

The start of all my yearly checkups has just begun. 

Jan - heart

Mar - dental, eye, heart scan

Apr - brain

Jul - heart (again)

Sigh + Argh

This is why I keep a portion of my savings relatively liquid. Because all these check-ups combined can easily cost me more than a thousand bucks especially if the doctors order various scans. 

Health is important. I'm thankful I am still considered relatively healthy.

Random realisation

I suck at buying presents. Period. 

This week

It has been a long week. Hard to believe though that it has only been a week.

So many things have taken place, so many discussions have happened, so many thoughts have run through my mind, so many words have been spoken, so many questions have been asked and so many answers have been given that it feels like as if many weeks have passed.

We are paving the way for a new chapter in our lives. We are building our future step by step. And most importantly we are doing it together. And now, also with Little Baby.

I'm thankful. 

Granny

Everytime I visit my granny, I would get a tad emotional. And yes that means every Saturday morning or afternoon since July 2007.

I've not been visiting her that regularly though since 2 weeks before Little Baby was born. 

This morning was the 2nd time that I've visited her since the birth. Both times I brought Little Baby along. But today I suppose we made some progress because Granny was awake. 

K and I managed to get Little Baby close enough to her and she did set her eyes on Little Baby. I also held her hand and stroked Little Baby's hair with it. Whether her mind registered what she saw or not I do not know. I'm just very happy that Granny got to see Little Baby today and had the chance to stroke her head. 

No points for guessing, I teared while holding Granny's hand to stroke Little Baby's hair. 

加油!

Several things running through my mind over the last few days. Some are stress-inducing, some bring happiness, excitement and anticipation, and some just bring me angst. 

May my thoughts settle down soon for I am having an outbreak. See lah, just one or two sudden stressful days and the pimples start popping up. 

Trying to 看开more. :)

Shell, 你一定行!! 加油哦!!

Buy buy buy!

In an online retail purchase frenzy again haha. This time round, it's all for the little girl.

Pre-walker shoes

Mittens (need tons of them since she's been sucking on them like crazy)

Long sleeved clothes

I'm contributing to her burgeoning wardrobe lol.

Alamak why like that?

Started the new year on a tired, drowsy, medicated note. 

Dark eye rings are getting darker and am now having a zit outbreak. Stomach spoil and am still shedding hair during showers and when I comb my hair. 

Ugh!! Could it be the post-pregnancy changing hormone levels? 

累了。病了。

Stomach spoil. 

Not entirely a nice way to start the year, because when the queasiness or nauseousness comes, giddiness sometimes comes with it too. And I'll end up having a heavy head. 

The doc said it was likely food poisoning. I think it is more of my stomach protesting against the amount of things I stuffed into it during the festive period.

Which wasn't a lot actually. In fact it was lesser than previous years given that I'm on a quest to regain my pre-pregnancy body. 

Oh well. I'll just have to lie low and eat smaller meals and lesser things for these few days/weeks. I need to get my appetite back for the fast approaching CNY!

Losing weight due to sickness is not a good thing...hmm...

Dreams

I've been having bad dreams over the last couple of nights. But I can't remember any of them except for one. Last night seemed to be the worst-hit because I woke up in the middle of the night feeling insanely fearful and anxious. 

Sigh, already not enough sleep. Now whatever sleep is marred by unpleasant dreams...Bleah. 

As The Years Roll By

It seems obligatory to pen a post on the old 2013 and the new 2014. 

2013, like any other year, was marked by peaks and troughs. Except that it's cadence was abit more erratic compared to other years. 

The year started on a hectic note, peppered with bouts of unhappiness and high stress levels. I remember having an hour long teleconference on 1 Jan 2013 and having some high and mighty people unleash their idiosyncrasies on us in that session. Preparations for it had started since 2010. It was a 3-year long project for me and it was a mad crazy time towards the culmination of the APRICOT 2013 event. The fact that CNY was right before the event didn't help much and it was a rush between deadlines for the event and trying to get angpows ready for CNY. 

The event finally ended on 1 Mar and it was a huge relief. To me, it was a great achievement as well. Something I'm mighty proud of. Not many can have such an experience organizing a regional event lasting 11 days with 900-1000 participants and at least 6 other smaller international and regional meetings held in conjunction. The experience also reinforced on me the notion that as far as possible, it is always best to keep work and friendships apart.

3 days after the event ended, I discovered something which would change K's and my lives forever. That little blue plus sign shown on the test kit sent us both into an initial shock and blur state. We didn't know how to react haha. But eventually we were overjoyed of course. Just that it took a few days for the news to sink in. ;p This was another high point for me. 

We were in a loss in the immediate weeks thereafter although things settled down after I did some rough planning. K read up a lot online as well. The months that followed became a whirl of activity. Preparations, buying of things, reading up and learning, gynae visits, my brain and heart checkups. I would say that it was a really fun time buying things and preparing for the little one's arrival. :) Shopping is always nice. Downsides of the pregnancy were the giddiness, queasiness, breathlessness and general tiredness. 

Work was as usual in all those months. I became a social hermit though, choosing to lunch in everyday because I couldn't stand being in the foodcourt. I'd feel extremely queasy, breathless and giddy. I was glad for Kah Hui's company. She sometimes accompanied me and dabao-ed her lunch as well. Our friendship grew much in 2013 and I'm grateful for that. 

Nadya's arrival was another high point in 2013. Although her arrival also brought with it some not so happy and testy, teary moments. It's been a challenge during the last 2 months plus but seeing her smile at you makes it worthwhile. I'm looking forward to watching Nadya grow and I really hope I can be there at each of her growth milestones.

Oh yes and I am really grateful that I received a promotion, while I was on maternity leave. Haha that was a pleasant surprise definitely. 

There are still more happy moments, trials and tribulations going ahead in 2014. I'm anticipating big changes both on the home front as well as in the workplace. In any case, I wish for 2014 to be a smooth year for me and all my loved ones. May it also bring to all of us much blessings, good health, peace and joy.