I need a break. I need sleep.

I've not had a good night's sleep for close to 3 years.

Since Nadya was born, I wake anywhere between 1 to 3 times a night. Usually it's 1-2 times. On bad nights, especially after Alyssa arrived, it could even be 3-4 times a night. I'm thankful these bad nights are rare and don't happen often.

But still, waking up 1-2 times each night for 3 years is taking a toll on my body.

People in office tell me all the time "You look sleepy" or "You look tired" or "You look like you need rest" or "You look like you need a break"...

I also know...I want a break.
I want to sleep. I want to sleep 7 to 8 hours straight.

During maternity, I could still nap for a good 1-2 hours during the day.

Now at work I make do with being a zombie half the time.

Not good at all. I am unproductive and I can feel my brain cells just giving up on themselves, preferring to go into zombie mode rather than get involved in some intellectual thought processes.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing a half-assed job both at home and at work. Mainly because I'm sleepy and tired half the time in office. And I'm sleepy and tired half the time at home.

Like wtf?

Something's gotta give. But what?
I definitely don't want my health to be at the shorter end of the stick.

It's not helping too that I'm the only one who can settle N back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night. And she wakes every night.....at least once...

I feel myself getting desperate.....very.

Crying wolf?

If you cry wolf too many times, people start getting desensitised to what you say.....

"I walked out on him." was what a colleague from another division said.
When probed further...it turned out that that wasn't what happened but rather, she left the guy in the house after they had an argument. She went out for a breather but eventually returned to the house. Erm...that's not called walking out on him I think....Walking out on someone you're in a relationship with literally means ending the relationship.

This has happened several times with different people.

The first proclamation would be something that sounds very serious. But after finding out abit more, then you will realise that actually it's not as bad as what the person made it out to be.....

I don't know. Is it habit that makes someone speak or engage others in such a manner?

A verbal "click-bait" of sorts?

This induces fatigue in the listener...and eventually the listener becomes desensitised...right?

I hope I don't speak this way too?
Hmm...

Parenting and Self

There are a lot more things I want to do, see, experience. 

Both for the kids and myself. 

How do I find the energy and strength and time to?

Not quite sure. 

Still not sure too what is wrong with my lungs or nose or throat. Is it psychological? Is the chest tightness caused by stress? Maybe I should be using Xanax instead of the inhaler that the doc suggested I use for a month. 

Maybe I need better planning. Maybe I need to just fuck care everything (though with my nature I think I can't do this). Maybe I need to just be a lazy mum. 

Maybe. Maybe. 

Jiayou

Helper down.

No time to whine.

Just do it. 

Medical

Most people hate medical check-ups. Most probably don't step into a hospital for any form of check-up or appointment in many years. 

Hospital checkups and appointments are however a regular thing for me. 

Since I was a child. Every year. 

Doesn't mean I've gotten used to it. Doesn't mean I don't feel xian about it. 

And so. Today's med appointment at SGH. 

Now I have suspected bronchitis or asthma. 

Like wtf? 

And I'm given an inhaler and nasal spray to be used for a month. 

I've got a colourful medical history. I really don't wish to add asthma to it. 

Am I upset?

Yes, I think so. A little upset. 

Then again. 

Maybe I should count my blessings. 

That it is likely not anything more sinister. 

Wizard Mouse!

N was supposed to wear a homemade hat to school today. A homemade hat made from recycled materials to celebrate Eco Day.

K and I put our art and craft skills to some use over last weekend and conjured up a hat for her lol. It's a hybrid mouse-wizard hat haha. Complete with whiskers, ears and a curly tail.

Milestones!

Peanut has been busy clocking milestones recently haha.

On Wednesday 25 May 2016, she started crawling. She moved only a few inches initially. 3 to 4 days later, she was moving alot more and being rather adventurous. She can still only do a tummy crawl though, and not on all fours.

Last night 2 June 2016, she pulled herself up to stand for the first time in her cot.

Way to go Peanut!!


Note to Selves:
Need to watch her more.
Need to clear all small stuff out of the way.
Need to pull up the cot rails already.
Need better baby-proofing!
Need to watch Nadya to make sure she doesn't leave small bits of things lying around.

Upset!! :((

This pair of shoes is only 3 months old...and rather expensive by my standards....

My colleague accidentally stepped on me just now. She was in sky-high wedges.

And.....:((((

Her shoes ripped out 5 whole beads from my right shoe. 

Wah sibei heart pain!!!

Now there's a rather obvious gap where the beads should have been...sigh.....

Of Bad Nights and Better Days

T'was a bad night yesterday.

N woke at 1am and 430am. A woke at 130am, 4am, 5am.

The helper couldn't settle A down when she woke at 5am so I went to take over from her. The little girl was rather grouchy and irritable. She wanted to sleep but somehow was very fidgety.

And throughout the night I was having a headache and a weird tummy, feeling nauseous, and also had an aching right ribcage.

I think it got to a point somewhere during 530am where I felt like crying and giving up.

Yeah, one of those times when you go "WHY??? WHY???? WHY LIKE THIS???"

One of those times when you want to scream FUCK THIS SHIT over and over again.

But anyway.

So now I'm in office.

Still with a headache and a weird tummy and an aching right ribcage.

But with a slightly better disposition.

Onward I trudge.

It will be a good, great, beautiful, lovely day ahead.

Yes it will be.

I'm missing the two girls already....:(

I hope K has a good 2nd day at his new workplace.

Parenting...much to do

We had parent-teacher conferences for both girls yesterday.

Various things need to be done...capturing it here....both for posterity and as a reminder to self on what needs to be done....

ALYSSA

• Once she had settled down into the infant care environment, she was generally a happy baby and easy baby to handle.
• She can express herself readily and usually only cries when she is hungry, sleepy, tired or upset over something. 
• She's also developed pretty quickly over the last week and can now crawl rather quickly on her tummy. She's also started to want to climb and is pretty much an avid explorer.
• To work on: 
• getting her to take her solids (including porridge, and proteins)
• exposing her to more books, music and creative toys.

NADYA

• She's grown more confident and adept in her socio-emotional aspects. 
• Her spoken language and communication skills (pure talking) seems advanced for her age. Her teacher commented that it feels like she is talking to a young adult rather than a roughly 3-year-old child. Nadya also easily voices her thoughts and does not hesitate to convey her feelings to the teacher. 
• She does have several bad habits that she's picked up. Singlish is one, nagging and scolding others is another. She recently likes to wag/point her finger at others, act assertive and badass and say things like "I tell you ah, you better don't do this!" or "Listen to me! Don't touch that thing!". She did this to random kids in a shopping mall, much to my horror and embarrassment.
• She apparently loves her enrichment classes, which are ballet and gym at the moment. 
• She can tell you when she needs to poo but hasn't started telling us when she needs to pee. This is quite the opposite from most kids, according to her teacher.  
• She knows the sound a letter makes and can recognise the character the letter is associated with, but sometimes cannot identify what that letter itself is. Eg. if you show her "G", she knows it stands for "Golden Girl" and makes the sound "guh" but sometimes can't tell you that it is the letter "G". (The school uses the Letterland concept to teach the kids.)
• To work on:
• toilet-training her (we're halfway through on this...jiayou!)
• preparing her for the transition to using a cup for her afternoon milk when September comes
• preparing her to brush her teeth in school when September comes
• numeracy
• recognition of alphabets 
• correcting her use of Singlish
• correcting her impolite ways of "nagging/scolding" people 
• exposing her to more Mandarin
• building up her social interaction skills 

Hmm...seems alot...
How to tackle these issues...can't be done one at a time...some need to be managed concurrently....

Thoughts......

Sunshine Baby

Alyssa seems to be less vocal compared to Nadya at the same age. But we all agree that she is generally a cheerier baby. Quick with her smiles and generally calm. 

After waking up from a 2hr nap. Super happy!

After waking from another nap.

While playing peekaboo with me in the car.

Cheekily chewing up Nadya's books when she wasn't around. Lol. Nadya would go berserk if she actually saw Alyssa gnawing on her stuff. 

For posterity

Me and the 2 girls before heading out to a manyue celebration. 

One of the few times I made them sit together to take a picture haha. This protective mama was afraid that Alyssa would topple over or that Nadya would use too much strength to hold Alyssa. 

Love this picture of the 2 of them together on a toy called Mr Zebra. 

Conversations with a 32-month old

Last Sat morning. Breakfast at Parkway Parade's foodcourt. 

N: I want to follow Dada to buy food.

K: ok follow me.

N: But I want to hold the money ah. I hold the money. 

Lol. She's got her priorities all sorted out eh?

==========

One night while going to sleep. 

Me: Good night Dada. Good night Nana. I love you Dada. I love you Nana. 

N: I love you Mama. I love you Dada. I love you me. 

Lol. Self-love starts from young....and yes darling, it is important that you love yourself...:)
Wise little girl...

*cries*

There are times when I don't understand why I'm the only who wakes when Alyssa cries or wakes in her sleep. 

And I'm the one who is on 2 types of drowsy medication. 

The one having the baby monitor (the helper) can't wake and the one sleeping next to me sleeps like a log. 

Sigh. 

Mega sigh. 

Of fights and love...oh well, parenting...

I was tired and a little breathless last night.

I lost my temper at Nadya. Who was fighting with me about not wearing diapers to bed.
She didn't want to. We wanted her to. Yes, I know, it was probably a good opportunity to train her to ditch the diapers but I'm not ready to do night-time pee training yet...I can't handle it now when I am also not in the best of health.

I've not raised my voice at her to that level for a long time. It was natural that she immediately burst out crying.

Spent some time settling her down before she finally dropped off to sleep.

As she lay sleeping, I smothered her face with kisses.

Apologetic kisses. Loving kisses. Mummy kisses.

And I whispered to her "Mama loves you very much." a couple of times.

This morning she was ok but a little cranky.
I forgot to give her a hug before she went to school...:(

Cough...Cough...Cough

One knows one's body best.

I've not felt right about my cough since a week plus ago. It's been around way too long for my liking. Almost 1.5months. At times it showed signs of abating, only to resurrect itself with a vengeance.

For the past week I've had shortness of breath and some tightness in the chest.
My right ribcage, below the breastbone, has been aching like F as well. I can't even hold my handbag properly and I can't pull open the main door of my house without wincing.

I had wanted to see the doctor again several days back. K convinced me otherwise. He said it was probably due to my lack of proper rest and stress.

I finally decided that I had better see the doc again. I went yesterday morning. That was my 5th visit.
I was exasperated and the doctor could see that as well. He finally conceded that there may be something else wrong with me and that I might not be having just the regular cough and cold.

He suggested for me to go see a respiratory specialist. My main airways might be inflammed by now and that is why the regular cough and cold medications won't work on me.  Those medications work on common upper respiratory tract infections like the common cough and cold. Once the main airways are inflammed...something else needs to be done. Like what? I have no idea.

I trudged down to Bedok Polyclinic immediately to get an appointment with SGH. Took me 2-3 hours and lots of waiting just to settle that. But at least I've got the appointment already. Next Friday though. I have to tahan for another week.

The polyclinic doctor also said the same thing and prescribed me steroids to control the possible inflammation and clear my airways abit so that I can breathe easier.

So now I am on steroids. For at least the next 5 days.
I have 2 days MC and will be going back to work tomorrow, i.e. Friday. I hope I can tahan tomorrow and next week's working days before my appointment with the specialist arrives. 

Fingers crossed. Praying that I will be ok...
Ganbatte.

Jiayou everyone

家家有本难念的经。
Every household has its own issues.

Every person is fighting a battle that others can't see.

A friend just fought with her husband and left their matrimonial home. 
A pair of good friends, husband and wife, have been trying for a child for 7 years and are now pinning their hopes on IVF. But they still need to be in the queue for it and IVF is sometimes not a one-hit-and-success-comes kind of thing.
3 friends got divorced within the last 2 years. One's moved on quite well. One's grappling with it still. And the last one's just trying to wing it as a single mother in a foreign land. \

Battles, big and small.

But, at the end of the day, we still put on a smile and life goes on.
Whether that smile is a real one or a mask is another matter....We have to keep moving, yes? Movement keeps us sane and maybe it makes us more tired too so we have less energy to think about the negative stuff.

I'm sorry, such morose stuff right at the start of the day.

I've been tired and a little emotionally raw.

Ganbatte to everybody.
To my parents.
To K.
To the 2 girls.
And to myself.

Friday night drive

We did a late night grocery run on Friday night after both kids were asleep. I'm glad we're near the 24-hr NTUC at Bedok Central. 

I drove ourselves back home. And I was rather proud and happy that it was a smooth drive home. 

I thought I did good. 

Until I parked the car and realised that....

I didn't turn on the headlights while driving.

Bah.

So that entire 10-15mins drive was totally with my headlights on. 

Damn dangerous lah....I need to remind myself to turn it on....

Maybe car manufacturers should consider making cars that can be programmed into having the headlights automatically turning themselves on at a certain time lol.... 

Food for Thought

真正的感觉是骗不了自己的心。

How true.

There was once when I ignored what I truly felt deep inside. I dismissed my own feelings and my own gut feelings to pursue something which not only did not materialise but which ended up bringing much hurt to me.

I can only hope that I remain true to myself and my own feelings in the years to come.

Snip

During this time of some minor tweaks and changes to my life, I finally found an opportunity to cut my hair. 

Cut, not trim. 

I gave my stylist an instruction of "cut till the shortest length possible such that my hair won't start curling out." 

In the end, 6-7 inches were lopped off. :) 

The me from 5 years ago might have been extremely upset that so much hair was lopped off. I found myself surprisingly calm yesterday lol. 

Voila, this is me now...still not too short lah. But much shorter compared to what I had before the cut. :) 

Yay!

This noob just did her first petrol fill-up for the car tonight. First time in my life. Virgin no more :) 

Lololol. 

Yea I know, I am suaku. 

P/s: short but good drive tonight.

mini-me

In the recent 2-3 weeks, the bedtime ritual for Nadya is this....

We would either read books or play some games. Sometimes she would take to being "Teacher Nana" and "teach" us ballet or some toddler gym exercises. Sometimes, she would request to watch aeroplanes go by. (From my room and my balcony, we can se planes going by every few minutes or so.)

And then I would make her her night-time bottle of milk. While she is drinking, I would turn off her room lights and lay beside her. In the past few days, she's taken to asking for K to be present in the room also. (This is a very good sign by the way...)

We would all lay on the mattress on the floor. This mattress is positioned just below her bed, just in case she somehow rolls or falls off while she is on the bed.

Last night, I lay next to her. She dropped off to sleep pretty quickly and was rather affectionate last night. One of her hands was cupping my face and the other was draped on my shoulder when she nodded off to dreamland.

Her room curtains were open slightly, enough to let in slivers of moonlight and ambient light from the neighbour's houses.

I stared at her face. Her hair. Her nose. Her cheeks. I watched her breathe. I stroked her arms. Held her hands.

I felt how her fingers and toes twitched from time to time. I felt how her hands sometimes reached out to me. I watched her flip over and change positions while still sleeping....

And I thanked God for gifting me this little girl.

My mini-me.

And of course, after determining that she was truly deep asleep, then did I carry her back onto her bed....

Purple

I've started taking my multi-vitamins again. Something I had to stop after I got pregnant and while I was breastfeeding.

Got myself a new pill planner box since my old one was rather worn. 

Something small, something new. Something to accompany me on a daily basis. 

Here's to better health! 

Touché

Yes, I am.

Myriad reasons I think.

Work.
Staff who are more senior in terms of rank (and pay and bonuses) trying to offload some of their stuff to you.
Someone else who is 2 ranks up and getting rather aggressive and assertive these days.
Your new boss bringing your bonus down to half of what you used to get.
Long-drawn project 4 years in the making that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. 

Double-standards.
In work. In personal life.

Kids.
Nadya testing my limits with her hissy fits.
The worry at the back of my mind and the constant hoping that Alyssa is fit and healthy enough to fight off any bugs.

Self.
Not quite in a good place right now.
Nursing a month-long cough. 
Wallowing. Frustrated. Tired.

============
Am hoping some minor tweaks and changes here and there in terms of mindset and lifestyle would do me some good.

Afterall, no one can pick myself up other than I, right? Others can only assist to their best abilities. 
Yeah, let's get out of the doldrums to watch the daisies and dandelions reaching for the sky.

Jiayou. Jiayou. Jiayou.

Sucker for Punishment

Listening to Jacky Cheung and bawling my eyes out in the office this morning.

一路上有你

One of my fav songs from him.

I'm not upset though, just got emo while listening to the song. :D

thoughts..

Family

• the girls and their development and well-being-
• building own family cohesion and foundation

Self

• exercise and getting started
• multivitamins and getting back into better health

Work

Relationships

That Annual Letter

Several months ago, a new boss came by to lead the team. The old boss was retained on contract as an advisor, subject to further notice or till when he is ready to retire or when the higher-ups don't need him anymore.

Yesterday, I received the annual letter given out to staff. The one which informs staff of the amount of corporate bonus, performance bonus, annual salary increment and/or market salary adjustment.

I had already expected a lower than usual performance bonus from previous years.

I just did not expect the performance bonus component to be even lower than what I was expecting.

Am I disappointed?

Yes. It was the lowest in all my 8.5 years of serving the company. In fact, it was almost half of what I usually get.

Why? Several reasons I can think of.

New boss. With a different standard of rating.
I was away on maternity leave for 5 months plus. (Though it is to be noted that during my previous leave of absence in 2013 for the birth of Nadya, my performance wasn't so drastically affected. In fact, I don't think I was penalised at all.)
I was also penalised for a delayed project which incidentally, got delayed not entirely because of me but also due to other external factors. 

So?

FML lor.

When I need the money, circumstances happen such that it doesn't come in as much as past years.

Will this affect the way I work now?

The right response would be: No of course not, I am still a dedicated individual putting in my worth for the company. Truth be told, I am not so sure. But I think my dedication to the company just dropped by half. Could be just a reactionary emotion on my part, I don't know.

Anyway.

Lao niang is not happy with this year's performance bonus.

Anyway.

Lao niang can't do much about it.

Anyway.

Pfffffftttttttttttttttt.

For posterity

Nadya in her ballet outfit.

Cute max. Love max! 

please go away now.....

*cough*
*splutter*
*cough*

Really bad this time.
I don't think I've had it this bad before.

My stomach muscles started to get sore on Sunday morning from the vigorous coughing.

FML....

And I don't wanna pass it to the kids....:(

Went for an xray yesterday to rule out any sinister issues....
Hope the results are ok.....

Conversations with a 31-month-old

This morning after I woke Nadya up.

N: Mama, today I don't have school? *looks expectantly at me*
Me: Darling, you have school today.
N: *immediately starts to whine* I don't want to go to school.....
Me: Go lie down for awhile. I'll make some milk for you.
N: Mama, I have gym today?
N: *thinks further* Mama, I don't have gym today? I don't have gym today.
Me: Yup, I think you don't have gym today.
N: REALLY? *looks upset*

Ok sorry darling, Mama burst your bubble early on Monday morning...

Urgh

It's here again. 

The feeling of slight frustration and feeling a little stifled. The feeling of wanting to spend some time doing my own things. Or developing myself. Or just simply laying down to vege out. 

I know I should be grateful that my daughter adores me and can't let me out of her sight for long. But at times, I really need some breathing space. Some me-time to discharge, to decompress, to destress. 

A whole host of things needing my attention. What groceries and household products to get. What to cook. How to wean. What to wean on. What new clothes to get for the kids. Which areas of the house to focus cleaning efforts on. Nadya's ballet shoes need to be stitched up.

I just discovered this morning that oh darn, the helper has neglected the cleanliness and upkeep of the washing machine. Bits of caked up old soap powder formed a crust along a portion of the drum. The compartments collecting dirt had not been cleaned thoroughly. The washing machine is a very essential item in our home, I can't afford to let it spoil and need to ensure that it is well taken care of. 

The cupboards in the kitchen  need to be emptied and wiped out. The fridge needs to be cleaned too. The freezer compartment too. The shelf in the living room needs a spot of thorough cleaning as well. 

My table. Enough said. It's a mess. 

My hair. Split ends and bushy.

My face. White heads, black heads. Zits. 

I want to spend some time watching TV. 

I want to spend more time Zentangling.

I want to go on the threadmill.

And I'm coughing my lungs out still. I don't know what to do about it. Medication doesn't seem to be working at all. I'm taking codeine every night. Will I turn into a cough syrup junkie? 

My throat is suffering from the hacking cough and my voice is hoarse as well.

Partly pek chek.

Partly contented. 

Partly fed-up.

Partly happy.

Partly unhappy.

Partly listless.  

Sigh. 

Chance meeting

Wow. Nadya 交游广阔.

We went for a quick breakfast this morning at ToastBox at Katong 112. She pointed to a Korean boy and said that was "Kang Hoo".

K and I looked at each other. Yeah we knew there was a Kang Hoo in her school. He was in the same batch of infant care as her but is now in a different nursery class because he is several months older. 

So this boy was there at ToastBox with his parents and grandparents. The last time I saw his mom was a long time ago so I couldn't be sure if it was her or not and if the boy was really Kang Hoo. 

When we were about to leave, Nadya wanted to go greet this boy so we went over and really, it was Kang Hoo! I think we surprised the grandparents and parents quite abit haha. They kept waving and smiling at her. 

And there you go, my daughter, at the age of 2.5 years, had her first chance encounter with a friend. 

So qiao. 

My comfort food

1. Fried beehoon

2. Mee tai bak soup

3. Fried rice

4. Chee cheong fun with soy sauce and sesame oil

5. Ayam buah keluak

6. Macaroni in chicken soup 

7. Cheng ting

Probably because these dishes remind me of the home I grew up in, my grandmother and my mother. 

Singing in my mind

 The following TV jingle that was oh-so-popular when I was a young child....

"I don't wanna grow up. I'm a Toys'r'us kid....."


Yea, I don't wanna grow up.

Latest pieces

Upping the ante and experimenting with pencils and shading now to add more depth to the patterns and drawings...

I have to say...Zentangling is really quite therapeutic. And....YouTube is a great teacher haha.

My photo taking skills aren't exactly great though. :) doesn't do justice to the drawings but oh well....

working mothers

A friend at work just enrolled her 18month-old daughter into childcare. Today is the child's 2nd day there and she was still crying alot.

My friend, who incidentally is also named Michelle, is feeling very frazzled now. She is upset and feels heartbroken seeing her kid crying like that. She had thoughts of pulling her daughter out of the centre as well after seeing her daughter cry like that....

Just spent the last hour trying to give her some moral encouragement. Via Whatsapp lol.
Told her to hang on for these few days...and that her kid will adjust soon...most kids will go through this transition phase at some point too....better now then later I guess...

I remember the time when I felt this way when I left Nadya in infant care. The good thing was that Nadya was too young then to even know what was happening...hence there wasn't alot of crying.

Jiayou to all working mothers...
Jiayou to all mothers who are going through the daily struggle of handing their children over to other caregivers, while wishing they were the ones by their children's sides....

Jiayou to Michelle...

Jiayou to me....

Open Letter

To: The lady at the optical shop, Cindy.

On Saturday afternoon, I was there at the shop where you work at. I was there to collect my contact lenses which I had ordered from you 2 weeks earlier. I had Nadya with me this time. 

We chatted a little about our kids and then you asked a question which was worded more like a comment. "她这样小你舍得让她一个人睡meh?" 

It may seem like a harmless question when reading in plain text but you nuanced it with your body language. 

You had a small sneer on your face. It was a look of disdain, mild contempt and disapproval.

I chose not to answer you since it was uttered at a time when I was already getting ready to leave. I merely said goodbye to you and thanked you for the service provided for my making of contact lenses (the service was actually quite satisfactory I must say).

Look lady, there is an unspoken mother code. I know you are a mother as well. A mother does not bash another mother, nor question another mother's parenting choices in her face. We are all trying our best here and every mother wants the best for her child.

You can judge me behind my back for all I care. That's your prerogative. But leave your judgemental questions in your mind. Don't throw it in my face.

Pfffttttt.

Go Peanut Go!

Mighty glad that Alyssa's fever finally broke on Friday night. 

She lost weight over the past week but her appetite seems to have improved and she has been calling out for milk every 3 hours or so since Saturday morning. Even during the middle of the night. 

Stay strong sweetie...mama loves you!

P/s: that's not a huge smile per se haha but more of a smile that was morphing into a yawn. :) I happened to catch it at the most precise moment haha

Nadya

She drives me nuts at times. 

She tests my limits time and again.

She stifles me from time to time.

But.

I love her to bits.

I love the way she hugs me.

I love the way she shows her affection by patting me the way I pat her. 

I love the way her eyes twinkle.

I love her for her wittiness and cheekiness and intelligence.

My firstborn. :) 

Boohoo

The finality has hit home. 

I'm packing up and keeping all my milk storage bottles and pumps and tubes and accessories....I've also given my extra milk storage bags away...

Note to self:

Yes it is final. Your BF journey is at an end. While it may have ended not in the way you wanted, be glad that you even lasted till 6.5months. Especially when you were initially only planning on hitting the 4-month mark. *small pay on the back*

Get well soon

Get well soon our sunshine baby...

妈妈看了都心疼...不过还是很庆幸你还是那么的开朗。真是我们的开心果。

Parenting 101

I constantly question whether I am doing the right things for my kids.

Alyssa has been falling sick so often since she started infant care. We've brought her to the PD at least 7-8 times since CNY this year. To the point that the thought of pulling her out of infant care did cross my mind. Am I doing the right thing by letting her continue? Am I doing her a greater disservice by pulling her out?

Nadya has started enrichment classes in her school. She's taking gym lessons and recently started on ballet. Now her teacher tells me more than half her classmates are in the chinese speech and drama enrichment class...Now I'm thinking if she is losing out on learning Mandarin. 

Kiasu mentality? I don't know.

Work...career....job.....

I spent the last 5 years focused on my personal life - getting married, shifting out, getting my own place, having kids and making sure everything is good in their life.

Back in 2011, I had just been in the company for 4 years. Not too long, but not short either. Although HR had earmarked me under its talent management programme at that point and had identified me for a job rotation, I was not ready and declined the offer of the new position in anther division of the same organisation. At that point, I had also felt that the role offered to me was not quite suitable.

Between 2011 and now, thoughts of my career and progression did surface in my mind from time to time but I didn't think about it much. Now, with so many changes happening in the parent organisation and with a new boss, the question has surfaced again.

How long more should I stay here?
Where can I go from here?
What can I do?

Come September 2016, I would have spent 9 years in this company. That is long. Almost 2/3 of my entire working life was spent in this place.

I am not sure if I am rotting here. Part of me feels like I am. Part of me though is lazy to be confronted with new challenges and changes if I shift to another place. Part of me just wants to stay here.

My priority is my family and I am unsure if other places can accord me the flexibility and support I need when I need to head off to look after the kids.

While I am sure I can't move up the ladder much if I am still here in this company, I am half-hearted to leave as well, what with the camaraderie already built up with colleagues and external stakeholders.

Questions.
Questions.

Conversations with a 30-month old

We were in the car heading out for lunch with K's family. His belated birthday lunch. 

Nadya: Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.

Kyne: And then? 

N: Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

K: And then? 

N: Must put plaster.

LOL.....

==========

I called my parents one of the weekday nights and my mum happened to pick the call. I put her on speakerphone so that Nadya could join in our conversation.

Nadya was playing "masak masak" with some of her plastic cups and teapot. 

N: I am "making" barley for Mama! 

My mum: Wah, you know how to cook barley?

N: Ya.

My mum: Can you make some for me too? I like barley water.

N: Tomorrow you cook it yourself. 

LOL....

==========

We were in a cafe. I went to take children's cutlery for her....and then I got corrected by the little girl...

Me: Here you go. I took a pink bowl for you. You like pink right? 

N: Nooooo. Not bowl. This is a plate. 

I swear the lady at the next table gave a knowing snigger...maybe she's a mum too lol. 

Conversation piece

I was sharing a table at the kopitiam with another lady. I'd finished my meal and was waiting for the clinic to open. So with my Teh-o still hot and sitting on the table, I decided to start drawing. 

The auntie asked me about it after several minutes had passed haha. She asked to see my book and I showed it to her. I showed her some of my past works as well and she seemed genuinely interested. 

She said the piece I was currently working on was beautiful. Wah thanks a lot leh auntie :)

You made my day even though it is a very unfinished piece haha. 

I seem to be speaking a lot to random strangers these days.....

New pieces

Some new pieces over the last 2 weeks plus....

Fate?

A week or so ago I wrote about my new cabby friends. 

One of them asked me to buy his car licence plate number for 4D because he thought it was quite uncanny how we met. And how we had some things in common. 

I'm happy to announce that on the Saturday evening just past, I won a consolation prize in the draw! Lol....my first 4D win ever! Although it was a mere $78, it still felt good. I'm sure he won something as well. :) 

Although I promised to call him if I did win anything, I didn't. It feels a little strange to call him just to tell him that. So I will leave it to fate again. I may meet him again and only then will I inform him that I did win something! Thanks to his cab number haha....

Story of My Life

I think today is the 6th or 7th time I'm seeing a doctor. 

It's only April. 

And no I have not counted in the times when I went for dental or other hospital checkups. 

FML.

If I include the times when I brought the 2 girls for their own checkups and PD visits, the number will probably hit 17 or 18.....

The windows to my soul

There were 2 things I absolutely hated when I was younger: seeing the dentist and seeing the optometrist. 

While they followed through to my adulthood, I have learned to accept that it is inevitable that I would visit one or the other at least once in a year or two. 

I went to the optical shop today. The same one I've been going to since 5-6 years ago. I had my eyes checked and sigh....the results were not so good. 

My left eye went from having no astigmatism to now having 75 degrees of it. 

Both eyes still have very high myopia. 

Sigh. I get sad every single time I head to the optical shop. Without fail. 

Sigh. 

Should I?

Have I become more cynical and unfeeling? 

An old woman approached me and asked for $2. She said she had dropped her wallet and needed cash for her lunch.  I was quite wary, told her I had no small change and left the area. 

I wasn't sure whether she was a scammer or genuinely needed money. 

As I walked away I felt a mixture of guilt, confusion and cynicism. 

Should I have just given her some money? Regardless of whether she was genuine or not? 

I don't know. I chose to walk away and now I am burdened somewhat by these thoughts and wondering if I am a bad person. 

distracted

11am 15 April 2016 Friday

distracted is when:

• your husband has been coughing for 2-3 weeks
• your older girl is showing signs of a cough starting again
• your younger girl is recovering from an eye infection, still battling a cough and has now just gotten a very bad nappy rash
• your dad just went to for his heart check-up this morning and is due for his eye/glaucoma/cataract checkup soon
• you yourself are nursing a cough and a sore throat and are trying to find a chance to go see the doctor instead of self-medicating

AND

• your mum is now at the A&E with bad giddiness, high BP and another bout of diarrhoea (which has been afflicting her on and off for the last 2-3 weeks. Just received notice from my Dad through whatsapp.... 

Dear God,
please keep my family and my loved ones safe and in good stead.... thank you.....

Nappy rash

Peanut has a bad nappy rash. Sigh. 

The poor girl has been crying badly whenever she pees. It must be quite painful and uncomfortable for her.

Mama feels a little heart pain whenever you cry...

Hang in there sweetie. 

Mr Desitin is trying his best to work his magic on your bum.....

My New Friends

I have been very frivolous of late. I frequently take a cab to work.

Yes, I know...it is rather frivolous...and my defensive mind will churn up 1,001 reasons to justify it when questioned. =D

Anyway, I take a cab to work so frequently that I've recently made 2 friends. 2 different cabbies who have picked me up several times each. Let's call them 2654 and 9897 lol. Those are their cab license plate numbers.

Mr 2654 is with Prime Taxi and is in his 40s. He drops his daughter off at Anglican High and then starts going picking up passengers. And that's why his timing and my timing is about the same. He has a younger son in primary school. We end up chatting mostly about kids and school and education.

Mr 9897 is with Transcab and is in his 50s. He has 2 sons. The older one is completing his studies at NTU soon and the younger one is still in the army. His wife works part-time at a shop somewhere in Frankel. After he drops her off work, he then gets back to the grind of picking up passengers. His cab is only 3 months old and I've taken it about 3 times already. We called it fate and he told me to go buy his car number for 4D. Apparently the number has also been out at least 4 times in 4D results, not the actual number but a permutation of it. He told me to go buy ibet haha....

Knowing these two uncles has its perks...sometimes when the morning "on-call" traffic is busy and I can't get a cab, one of them (if they are free and still around the area) would notice that I'm still trying to get a cab. They would then take my job. Hehe...

有缘千里来相会
Sometimes fate brings interesting people and things into your life. :)

mini rant post

A board member asked me something via email. I had drafted up something pretty good as a response. At least I thought it was pretty good, and it's rare that I think I can do up something good. Sent it to the boss for clearance yesterday. He amended it slightly and said I could send it out today.

This morning though, he sent me a text message to let me know that he'd already sent out the response last night.

Xian max. It was a chance for me to showcase myself to the high-ups...and now that has been taken away from me. And his email sent out was actually 90% drafted by me. Wah. Xian lor.

==========
Peanut has an eye infection. And a runny nose (yes, again...sigh) and a cough.

Sigh. Get well soon sweetie...Mama's worried about you...and Mama misses your smiles.
You didn't smile that much last night and seemed a little dazed at times too. :( 

==========
Going about my days in a zombie mode. It is affecting my work a little. I need to read and re-read certain things. Especially if its is a legal or policy document.

God, grant me patience. And quality sleep.

11 April 2016 - Granny's 2nd Death Anniversary

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of granny's passing.

It is true I guess. Time heals and time numbs.
While the events of that night 2 years ago and the ensuing funeral arrangements remain fresh in my mind, I feel less emotional about it. Is this called coming to terms with it? Hmm. I don't know.

Yesterday, my parents, brother and I went to Holy Family Church to pay our respects to her and to say our prayers. We each took our own pews and said our own prayers silently.

This time round, Nadya and K came along as well.

I'm not sure if I was less emotional compared to last year because part of my mind was pre-occupied with Nadya. (She was abit overwhelmed in the church and was fussing a little.) Or I was less emo because time heals...

There were some changes to the church this time. The offerings counter downstairs had gone and had apparently been shifted elsewhere. The Mother Mary statue and the guppies and koi were still there though. :)

==========
As for Nadya, I don't think she understood why we were at the church though K had tried to explain to her. She was mostly overwhelmed by the number of people who were leaving after mass. She was also overwhelmed by the main glass-stained mural at the front of the main prayer hall. And I think, like how I was when I was younger, she was probably overwhelmed by the atmosphere within the church itself. It just feels different from other environments and I guess she must have felt it too.

She was silent and morose and generally fussy.

==========
In the 2 weeks leading up to today, there were weird comments coming from the little girl.

She had met her great-grandmother 2-3 times before. But I doubt she remembers my granny because she was only a few months old then. Still, there is this family portrait at my parents' place with my granny in it. Nadya recognises and understands that the old lady in the picture is her "Ah Chor" aka her great-grandmother.

There was a night 2 weeks ago when she told me she didn't want to sleep because she didn't like "the old woman". I asked her "which old woman? what old woman?" And she replied "Ah Chor".

Gave me goosebumps after that...lol.

And just on Saturday evening at my parents' place, Nadya was playing with their home phone. She picked up the receiver and pretended to be talking to someone. "Hello, how are you? (blah blah blah) Ok, good bye." My Dad asked who she was speaking to...and she replied "Ah Chor".

Goosebumps part 2! Haha...

#truestory

9 April 2016 - part deux

7 years ago K and I embarked on a journey. 

How time flies! We went from 2 separate souls to one conjoined unit and now we've spawned the next generation of our own. Lol. 

 

Our journey together has had the obligatory ups and downs in any relationship. But I can't imagine going through it with anyone else!

Happy anniversary baby...:) 

P/s: 是我上了贼船! Hehe...

9 April 2016

And my baby turns 2.5 years old today. 

Honored to be her mum. 

Humbled to be able to give my love to her.

Happy to protect her and comfort her.

Hoping that she will be healthy, happy and strong always. 

While her baby days are long gone, we have learnt to appreciate her toddler-hood. While it can be rather trying at times, we are also deeply grateful for all the happy, lovely, funny, wonderful and awesome times spent with her. 

She's a stubborn and fierce spirit. Yet, one with a kind and caring heart. I hope and hope again that life will be kind to her and treat her well enough. 

My baby girl, here is Mama's promise to you: I will be there with you and for you always. I love you. 

The Incumbent

Too much hate, vitriol and complaints on FB these days. Why ah? Complain for the sake of complaining? Whine for the sake of whining? Jumping on the bandwagon to bash whoever is the incumbent? So much malice sometimes. Hiding behind a screen sure gives people a whole load of guts. 

I come from the public sector. While I might not always agree with policies set by the G, I understand where they are coming from. You can never please the entire populace. 

Sure, giving in to public sentiment and wishes will bring the G a lot more support. But generally, members of the public are not policy-makers. Most cannot see beyond a micro view. Most can't see the macro aspects of policy-making. So going with what the public suggests will probably not have a happy ending for the country. 

It is a delicate balancing act. Juggling between managing the people's expectations and what should be done for the country, its progress and its sustainability. 

Yet, many people don't see this. There seems to be a constant outpouring of hate against the G and a constant vigil for when a slip up might happen, which, if it really happens, would then bring about loud baying for the G's blood. 

Don't be too quick to nitpick. Suddenly everyone is a politician or an economist or a policy-maker who knows what should be done for the country. Put it simply, if you're so smart, if you know what needs to be done to fix all the issues, then you do the job. If you can't even get to that position or role that makes a difference, then it might be wise to just stfu. 

I deal with simple policy-making. Very simple policy development. Yet, there are still many angles to cover, many rounds of discussions and arguments to tough out, and many hours of thought put into it. Just to ensure that the policies make sense, are watertight and do not inadvertently bring any negatives to people. 

I cannot imagine policy-making at a national level. The amount of thought needed is scary. And the amount of intellect needed is equally scary. 

We as a people, have enjoyed many good things arising from policies and initiatives set up by the G. Maybe it is more prudent to be content and appreciate the good stuff that we have, rather than focus too much on the perceived negatives. It'll make life easier. 

The 30-Month-Old Little (Big) Girl

So K told me last night: "Do you know that Nadya knows how to turn on the light?"

I told him "Yeah I know. She knows how to use the remote control to turn on the light in her room. This has been for quite some time already."

K: "Nope. She knows how to turn on the light in OUR room."

???

@_@

The lights in our room?? We don't have any remote to control the light in our room.....
Which only means that.....omg.

YUP.

She is now tall enough to tiptoe and hit the light switch.

At all of 92cm.

(and 12.7kg lol).

Oh man....why do kids grow so fast?? I miss her baby stage!!

She will be 2.5 years old in 2 days' time. How time flies really....

And oh yes, she needs a ticket on the train and bus already...a Child Concession Card...

Whoa

It is scary really.

I am conducting a simple background check on an overseas company which is trying to establish a formal relationship with us. Yes, I double up as a PI at times and undertake some detective work.

In the course of my doing such PI work.......I've come to realise that....

It is rather scary how much information you can find of a person simply by doing a search on them on Google. You know where that person is from, where that person is based now, where that person went to school, where that person has worked at, etc. You can even find tons of pictures of them. Sometimes, you would even know whether that person is married or not, whether he/she has kids, etc.

And.....

It is interesting to see how shady some of these businesses are. Yes, they may be raking in millions....but you see them incorporating their businesses in tax-havens like Cyprus, Belize, Panama, BVI, etc. It makes you wonder if they are involved in any illicit activities or any money-laundering activities haha.

Bloated tummy

Bloated tummy these 2 days. 

No idea how to relieve it...quite uncomfortable sigh.

I look 4 mths pregnant. 5mths pregnant if I just had a meal. 

True story. 

Mega wail. 

:((((

Achievement Unlocked!!

Nadya can button up her uniform dress already! 

Way to go little baby!! 

Mama is proud of you!!

😝🤓😆😘😍😃😉☺️😏😛

Zentangle

Here is a Zentangle piece...not sure if it can be considered a Zentangle mandala though. But really, the process of drawing these is rather therapeutic...:) the photo does it no justice lol...and I'm not a good photographer too. The piece looks better than it does in the "chui" pic below lol.....

Embarking on another piece tomorrow. Not sure when I will complete it though....

The End of My Breastfeeding Journey

And so...my breastfeeding journey is coming to an end.
Both intentionally and unintentionally.

Intentionally because I was already planning to do so. I had given myself the goal of reaching Alyssa's 6 month mark. She turned 6 months on 24 March...and we just started her on cereal.

Unintentionally because I had not planned for it to end in such an un-ceremonius manner.
Last week's sickness was a tough one and totally knocked my supply off balance. I had intended to slowly let my supply wane off on its own. Last week's bout of sickness zapped off my supply quite suddenly. I think the medication I was on was the cause of it.

I am only pumping like once a day now just to relieve myself a little and still, the quantity is only somewhere around 80 or 100ml. I am pumping and throwing it away too because I don't want to pass on whatever medication I am taking on to Alyssa.

So whatever stash I still have in the freezer will be my last few bags of mummy's milk for the little girl...

Although I wanted to wean her off at 6 months.....I don't know why but I feel a little sad also...
I feel like as if a thick string of our bond is being cut away....:(

Tonsilitis

Friday night was scary. 

My fever went up again as for the first time in my life I started shivering, uncontrollably. K said I had the chills and that it was common for someone with a fever. 

I'd never experienced it before and naturally felt quite concerned. 

I was in a Tshirt and cardi and long harem pants and socks. I was huddled under a blanket in bed, without any fan or aircon switched on, without my aide of the window open, and still I shivered. 

It lasted a good 30mins or so. 

And then slowly, around 2hrs later, I warmed up and started sweating profusely. Tore off all my long clothes before I felt better. 

Glad to say the fever is gone. And the tonsillitis is much much better. 

I hope the year ahead gets better for me in terms of health....

Conversations with a 29.5-month-old

We were in her room this morning.

N: Mama, I show you how to climb (onto) the bed ok?
Me: Ok, show me.
N: First, you put your hands here and then your tummy here and then you lift your legs up!
Me: Wow, that seems tough Nadya's. It looks difficult.
N: Nevermind darling. You can try next time when you grow up ok.

Tio suan again by her. -_-''

I swear she's sounding more and more like us...and the way we speak....

==========
The other day while playing with her rubber hair bands...

N: You take the pink one. The blue one is for Dada.
Me: Why must I take the pink one?
N: Because you are a girl.
Me: Oh ok.....

And so generalisation and stereotyping comes into play that early in age? From where did she learn this? School? Peers? Definitely not from K or myself....

==========

She had a nose bleed the other night. In the middle of the night actually. When we woke in the morning, she said "I bleed-ed." 

While the word should be "bled", I am surprised she understands the concept of "past tense". We never consciously taught her that so I'm kinda happy she's smart enough to pick it up on her own. I guess it helps that we all try to speak proper English to her. 

Mandala time again

A mandala that was done 2 weeks ago.

One that was completed today, under eh influence of Panadol, antibiotics, Zyrtec and cough mixture lol...not too bad actually. The drug-Influenced mandala turned out quite nice I think haha. Nicer than the one above :) 

Sick :(

Down again. Managed to hold out longer than I expected since I started work though. 

Fever, tonsillitis, slight cough and slight flu. 

Doc saw me earlier tonight and put me on antibiotics straightaway. Coupled with 2 days mc and an instruction to take lots of rest and water. 

Yes doc I will try to rest more...

Hehe

Our little erm...tablecloth. Lol....

For posterity

How this mother of two looks like in March 2016. 

We'll see if there are more wrinkles or age spots in a year's time? Lol....

Yummy yummy

Little baby had a culinary adventure yesterday evening. My brother gave the family a treat at Tung Lok signatures because of his birthday and recent promotion at work. 

When I saw the menu I commented that she wouldn't take the first 3 dishes but I was so wrong. She tried each and wanted more! Maybe it helped that she was hungry too. :)

She had Peking duck skin and the wrap that came along with it. She had lobster for the first time! And wanted more...in fact, she had half of my piece....

She had her first taste of fresh fish maw as well. And soon hock fish in a green chili broth. 

I was surprised she managed quite a few mouthfuls of the fish and its accompanying mushrooms and black fungus! They were a little spicy due to the green chili broth but she took them in good stride, coupled with many mouthfuls of water and soup haha. She did better than her 13-yr old cousin who only did a mouthful of fish and refused more. 

She had her first taste of tau huay too! And coconut ice-cream!

It was really an interesting night for her and I'm proud that she was so adventurous last night. :D 

Way to go Little Baby! 

Blankies

This is the 2nd Aden and Anais blanket we've lost. 

The first time the school lost it during Nadya's infant care time. I was pissed off because it was probably put into another baby's bag and the parents didn't bother to return it. How else would a big blanket disappear? 

The second one was lost last evening through our own carelessness, under the eyes of 3 adults. While we were out in a mall. Either we are all seriously lacking sleep or we are all just too complacent and unaware of our things. 

I'm upset mainly because the blankets material is really very good and I'm particularly fond of that piece of blanket. Though it's just a plain white blanket, it's very beauty is in its simplicity and plain-ness. 

Sigh...

Alyssa @ 6 months

"Standing" at 66cm and weighing in at 7kg.

Language
She's making many noises which is a good thing. She is a rather "squealy" baby haha. She squeals much more than Nadya ever did. She gurgles quite abit these days as well...and gives little baby sighs that are oh-so-adorable...


Social Interactions
She is slowly recognising people these days I think. She is quicker with her smiles when someone she knows is interacting with her. And I believe she already looks up to her older sister. Whenever Nadya is around, she would be staring at Nadya and watching intently whatever Nadya is doing.


Emotional Control
Erm, little to say here for a 6-month-old. She is a very happy baby compared to when Nadya was her age. She is quick with her smiles and goofy grins. There are times when she raises her brows in a comical way and other times when she breaks into such a happy grin that her entire face scrunches up. Stay happy little sunshine!


Food
It's a trickier affair with Alyssa. She's a breastfed baby, till now. I only managed to breastfeed Nadya for 1.5 months last time. Alyssa has so far gone from 100% breastmilk to a 80-20 arrangement then a 50-50 arrangement and now she's doing 20-30% breastmilk each day with the rest being formula. Why so? Because I was aiming to wean her off at or around 6 months old. Well she's 6 months old now and my supply still hasn't diminished fully so I guess she will still be on the 20% BM and 80% FM arrangement for awhile longer...

I will be starting her on solids either today or tomorrow. :) I look forward to seeing her reaction actually. Because she has been showing interest in our food for several weeks already. :) She stares and licks her lips when I eat in front of her haha...

Nadya @ 2.5 years

Standing tall at 86 or 87cm. Weighing in at 12.5kg thereabouts.

LANGUAGE
She's pretty alright with English I think. Her speech is good although not grammatically correct. And she's picked up on Singlish too so we will need to correct that (and ourselves too.....). These days she rambles on and on about various things.

Her Mandarin's rather weak though. And whatever words she knows either comes out mispronounced, phonetically inaccurate or just sounds like as if it's a Caucasian speaking it lol. More work to be done in this aspect. She gets stunned sometimes when I speak a full sentence to her in Mandarin. When she recovers and has deciphered what I was saying, she would then respond to me in English. Bah, not good.


MEMORY
Excellent. What can I say. She remembers things from eons ago. And after several times of reading a storybook to her, she is now finishing up the last 1-2 words of each sentence in the book.


SOCIAL INTERACTIONS
I detect abit of myself in her. Shy and withdrawn at times, preferring to stand by the side to watch and observe rather than being in the thick of things. There are times when she just stares wide-eyed at someone who is trying to be nice to her...and then either scampers off or hides behind me. Yet at other times with people she is familiar with, she would be loud and boisterous and downright bossy. Think "MAMA! STAND HERE!" "DADA, SIT THERE!" type of bossiness.

I'm glad to see her having friends in school and being comfortable with them. Where some teachers lack in warmth and fun, I think having good friends in school bridge that gap...:)

And oh yes, she is slowly accepting Alyssa into her life...she will make time to give Alyssa some pats or try to play with her. Although half the time she gets frustrated because Alyssa either can't comply with her instructions or will just give her a goofy smile or a blank stare hahhha.


EMOTIONAL CONTROL
Working on this. Getting her to calm down and regroup her senses when she is in a tantrum. She is getting it slowly. I think. She understands when I tell her to "settle down first and then we'll talk" or "take a deep breath and settle down"...I can see her trying to calm herself down and even taking a deep breath when I do it with her.

But oh well, she's still a 2 and a half year old. Tantrums are probably her forte at this stage in life lol...


FOOD
She loves her Ribena, barley water and other cool drinks. She loves her mushrooms, of any sort. She loves her tofu, be it white or egg, tau kwa or tau puay. She loves her fishballs and fishcake. For a long period of time she refused to eat chicken or fish or pork at home. I'm happy to note she has starting eating chicken and minced meat at home now...I think the trick to chicken is that I don't tell her I am feeding it to her....haha.

She has tasted curries but still doesn't have a much of an affinity to them. She will get all red and teary-eyed before asking for water haha. :)


TOILET TRAINING
She knows how to tell us that she needs to poo and will do so on the toilet bowl. Peeing is a different creature to tackle altogether. She doesn't tell us that she wants to pee and will still do it in her diaper. or in the shower when she is about to bathe....Not quite sure how to "train" her up in this also haha. Guess we will just wing it....at the most...wash more shorts and bedsheets and blankets, wipe more floors, etc.....

Come on, Chin up!

4.5hours of sleep.
With a 20 or 30-minute interruption somewhere in between.

It's 330pm now in office.
I'm gradually nodding off already.

Jialat. :(

conflicted

Many many many things to do in office.

But I can't do them properly. Half of my mind is on Peanut.
Wondering how she is, and if she is drinking her milk well, and if she is getting enough sleep, and whether she poo-ed or not, and whether she is still smiling.

I miss my sunshine baby. Alot.

F this working mother shit. Argh.

The Man Cooked!

On the Wed just past, K was on leave. He whipped up a simple but delicious meal for me for dinner. 

I requested for brussel sprouts and soba. He is a sucker for fish and made rice for himself. Hence the eclectic mix of dishes for our meal lol. 

P/s: the garlic and lime sauce accompanying the steamed sea bass was very good! 

The Sisters

We've come a long way...

From being curious about her baby sister, to being a little bit protective, Nadya then swung to the other end of the spectrum when she realised that people were paying abit more attention to the "cute little baby" than her. There came a point several months back when Nadya didn't allow me to carry Alyssa at all and would melt into a crying fussing mess at my feet if I did so.

Fast forward to now...things are better. Nadya still has her jealous fits from time to time. But we let her participate in the caring of Alyssa (like helping to throw Alyssa's diapers into the dustbin haha). She does "sayang" Alyssa now by patting her head or body or arms. She holds her tiny hands too. Sometimes she gives Alyssa hugs or she ruffles her hair. Sometimes she uses her face to nuzzle Alyssa.

And last night...she lay down next to Alyssa. It was such a sweet sight to see. 

Blessed

I am blessed.

With good friends and family.

And of course K and my 2 girls.

Couldn't have asked for more.

My friends might not know it but they do help keep me sane. And they throw me invisible lifelines when I reach out to them. Sometimes, they throw me lifebuoys too even when I don't outrightly ask for it. And they are there to help me out always....even if I may not realise it myself that I need some assistance in life....

My family brings me joy in more ways than one. And well...I feel odd if I don't contact my parents for more than 2 days....

K and the 2 girls? They drive me nuts sometimes...I get angry and frustrated....But at the end of the day, they bring me the greatest joy too...:) And the greatest love....