Exhausted

And so I saw this article on Facebook this morning:
8 Warning Signs You're Mentally and Emotionally Exhausted.

Yeah, I know...take whatever you read online with many pinches of salt...this piqued my interest though...I feel I can relate to it somewhat.

So what are the 8 signs?

1. You are easily irritated
2. Your motivation levels are lower than ever
3. You are experiencing anxiety attacks more than usual
4. You have trouble sleeping
5. Meaningless things upset you
6. You feel dizzy and nauseous
7. You feel like crying for no reason
8. You start to feel detached

Let's see how I fare on these....

1. You are easily irritated - Yes
2. Your motivation levels are lower than ever - Yes
3. You are experiencing anxiety attacks more than usual - Don't think so?
4. You have trouble sleeping - Nope. I'm tired as f*ck so I fall asleep within minutes of lying down.
5. Meaningless things upset you - Yes, sometimes
6. You feel dizzy and nauseous - Yes. For this year, it's almost all the time
7. You feel like crying for no reason - Yes, sometimes.
8. You start to feel detached - Nope. Whatever this means.

I answered yes to more than half the list.

FML?

Rant Post

Feeling stressed, testy and sensitive.

Various things on my plate at work. I've not been able to touch my workplan item much for close to half a year as I've been bogged down by other things. Just kena arrowed to take on something else which was supposed to have been done by someone else. *pui*

He's the same rank as me but since he's a guy I think he's paid more. Why am I catching the balls that he doesn't seem to be able to catch? *pui*

And the registrars...are taking up alot of my time as well.

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Sometimes, 一人少说一句, 浪会平静一些 ...

Me saying less or me stopping the conversation does not mean I concede though.

I feel like I'm internalising my feelings...not that good and not that healthy.
How to reduce this? Hmm...

Chronology

20 Feb : Diarrhoea after eating sashimi from Melt Cafe @ Mandarin Oriental Hotel.

21 Feb - 24 Feb : Kathmandu trip. Queasy every morning and had to take anti-nausea pills. Ate little for lunch each day. Tummy would be more stable only after lunch. Appetite would be ok by dinner. Heart palpitations and retching on 24 Feb just before checking out of the hotel.

25 Feb - 28 Feb: On and off bloating and queasiness.

1 Mar: Dinner with the duckies. Had to leave halfway. Took creamy mushroom soup and experienced the same thing ont he last day of the Kathmandu trip. Light-headedness, nauseated and heart palpitations again.

2 Mar - 6 Mar: Poor appetite and bad bloating everyday.

7 Mar: Was ok while taking MRT to work. Started feeling queasy while walking to office from the MRT station. After breakfast, heart started palpitating just a little and tummy was nauseated again. Light-headed, breathless and a little pale. Left office and went to the doctor. Was prescribed anti-nausea pills, antacids, probiotics and medication for distention. Doc said stomach viruses could take up to 3 to 4 weeks to clear up. Really?? FML...

8 Mar to date: On and off queasiness and bad bloating. On and off light-headedness. Eating very small meals during the day. Taking half of what I used to eat for breakfast and half or 1/3 of what I usually take for lunch. Will feel better by dinner but I still can't take too much otherwise I would go to sleep full and end up bloating the next morning.

The dilemma is when I take small meals, I don't feel so bloated but I end up feeling abit more tired and zapped out because I have less fuel for energy. I can't take too much water as it causes me to feel bloated too...


Sigh. Not sure what is wrong...Pls get well soon my tummy...

busy at work

It's been a busy time at work.

Registrar matters are giving me a headache. From enforcement issues of some naughty and non-compliant registrars, to 3 new applications coming in that require lengthy evaluations, to the renewal of contracts of 4 existing registrars that are easier to handle but still cumbersome.

Policy and legal matters for another team's project is quite a challenge as well. Another senior manager was supposed to do this piece of work but apparently couldn't produce results. The work somehow ended up on my lap. (Can I get a portion of his pay then?)

Lending support to some junior staff, of which one of them is new. Strictly speaking, they are not reporting to me and are not my staff. But they are scared of their reporting officer and have also given up on her due to her "not-very-helpful" attitude. So they come to me for advice or help in the course of their work instead. I try to guide whenever I can...especially when their own reporting officer is leaving them to drown.

We are also in the midst of an office move/renovation. Hordes of boxes everywhere in the office. Boxes for paper due to be shredded. Boxes for packing of stuff. Boxes for disposal. It's been a dusty past week and will be for the next couple of weeks till the 100-odd people on this level have packed their things. My nose is acting up a little due to the dust and irritants. And I'm not done packing. Due date's in another 3 weeks.

Ok jiayou....

Kathmandu trip

The trip wasn't one of the better work trips I've had but I'm thankful and not complaining much. Afterall, I eventually got home safe and sound and with no delays to my luggage.

Will I go back to Kathmandu in the future? Nope. Unless I suddenly went cray and decided to go trekking. Or unless I suddenly became a Buddhist and wanted to go the monastries there for dharma studies. Or of course, if it was a bopian-have-to-go business trip again.

It was an in-and-out trip for me. I didn't explore much save for an hour's worth of walking up and down an extremely dusty street (their version of Orchard Road) and getting pelted by bird poo on one occassion.

Food wise, I ate all meals within the hotel. The buffet lunches were ok though I didn't eat much as my tummy was still a little sensitive and fragile from the bout of diarrhoea the night before the trip. For dinners, I mainly at the hotel's resident cafe called "The Coffee Shop". I ordered Western style mains and they were pretty good. :) I loved the warm butter rolls they gave at each meal before our mains were served. Lost track of how much bread I ate on this trip actually haha...alot. Including all the bread rolls given on the flights.

People wise, I can't say much as I didn't interact much with the locals except for the hotel staff. I think the Nepalese are nicer and more sincere than those in India though. Met an old uncle at a small bookstore and souvenir shop. He spoke very pleasantly in Queen's English and shared with me and my boss some of Nepal's history and current state of government. I was thankful for his sharing and his lilting voice...:)

Work wise, I'm really glad for the chance to reconnect with several old friends. I think some of them were really surprised to see me and came over to give me warm hugs. My boss was somewhat surprised and amused too. I think he didn't know I was on close terms with some of these industry people haha.

Family wise....It was the first time I was away from home since the girls were born. I'm glad there were no major major meltdowns. K said Nadya slept pretty well. Unfortunately, the moment I got home after the trip, Nadya started waking up in the middle of the night again. And Alyssa started waking in the night asking for me too. FML....K said "It must be you"...I think so too..It must be me....why ah??

When's my next business trip? Lol, my boss gave me a year's worth of advance notice.
It's gonna be an ICANN meeting in March 2019. Where? Kobe, Japan! Woohoo! At least this time round it's in a developed nation with clean streets and nice food...:) The weather's gonna be really cold in March though....hmm....

For Posterity

Office will be undergoing renovation in the next couple of months so we've been advised to clear up our stuff, shred unwanted confidential papers, send old files out to CISCO, etc.

Found a card of appreciation from what must have been an ex-intern or temp staff. From anywhere between 5 to 7 years ago. She signed off but honestly...I cannot recall who exactly she is. I have a vague recollection but am not sure if it is really her. Anyway, just noting down what she said...for posterity and as a reminder to myself to be nice to people. I think I've become a less nice person as the years go by. :) 

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Dear Michelle, 

Thank you for sharing your life experiences with me, be it driving, campus life, Chinese New Year, etc. And you are really very supportive when I was still rather new at the job and Jane was on leave and I had nobody to ask or clarify doubts with. Really appreciate it alot. Here's wishing you all the best for the years to come! May it be an exciting and blissful one! Hehe. Stay pretty and see you next time! Take care! :) Love, Xue Fen.

Preggy??

Had a dream last night. That I was pregnant...gosh.

I don't remember any other detail of the dream though...The dream ended abruptly when Nadya woke me up at 410am....dang...wonder what would have gone on in the dream had she not woken me up.

Kathmandu!

It's been a whirlwind the last 2 weeks. From preparing for CNY and making sure I had the right angpows packed for the right people, to thinking and packing for the Kathmandu business trip, to getting work done, to managing family relations....

And so voila...

I'm really here in Kathmandu.

Woke at 5am just to be sure that I was out of the house by 550am, before any of the girls woke. I didn't want to get into a situation where they were potentially in the midst of bawling and I had to leave them. Wouldn't do them any good and wouldn't do my sensitive soul any good too haha.

Had a scare last night when I had diarrhoea. Went to the doc at 11pm to get meds. During the first leg of my flight to Nepal, I was still feeling quite queasy and a little light-headed and nauseated. I was praying that I would get well soon...and I am extremely thankful that my tummy has not acted up today....Guess it helped that I didn't eat much during the entire day.

I was a little nervous during the first leg too. After not having flown for a business trip for so long...somehow I couldn't help but feel nervous haha.

Anyway, it's 1215am now in SG time, 10pm Kathmandu time.

Just came back about an hour ago from a dinner. I was initially only with my boss. 2 members of the industry came by and sat with us and we ended up getting stuck there for a long time....

Kinda surreal to be sitting in a hotel room in Nepal, listening to Korean songs and blogging, with a face mask on.

It's been quite awhile. 5 years and 4 months since my last business trip actually, which was in Toronto back in October 2012.

I hope the girls sleep well tonight. I hope Nadya is ok and is dealing with me not being there well enough. Jiayou to K too...:)

Conversations

With the 2yr 4mth old.........

We were at Parkway Parade waiting for Nadya to finish her speech and drama class. Most shops weren't open yet and K, Alyssa and myself were just wandering around when we found outselves in the basement floor. There was a pet shop there and I wanted to bring Alyssa to see the hamsters which can usually be seen through the shop's windows.

A: Mama, I don't want to see.
Me: Why? I thought you liked hamsters?
A: Noooo...I don't! But I like ham!

LOLOLOLOL. This little girl is turning out to be quite a talker.
And she was the one who made us quite worried initially when she wasn't talking much even at the age of 2.

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With the 4yr 4mth old.....

She was having a sausage bun for supper and couldn't finish it. She passed the leftover to K and K asked her why.

N: Because Mama cannot eat too much. Her tummy is fat already.

BIG BIG SIGH. :(  :(  :(  :(  :(

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With the 4yr 4mth old....

Alyssa was throwing a tantrum in Nadya's room. Rolling on the floor, screaming at the top of her lungs, big tears and all.

And then Nadya very sagely said "Nevermind, let her be."

A Walk in the Park

K was out for a wedding dinner on Saturday night and we didn't have to go back to my parents' place for dinner as well since we'd already had reunion lunch together. The girls were clamouring over me and asking to go out.

I made them promise to be good during dinner so we could go out after that haha.

We went out during dusk. My favourite time of the day. It was 7:30pm.
The sky was shades of purple, blue, grey and pink. That little precious window of time when everything seems so much clearer and more peaceful. And before the sky turned black.

It was a cool evening. Windy. As usual during each CNY. Is this called the Spring Wind? 春风.

I took them to the park connector. It was a slow slow walk. Partly because Alyssa's strides were only that long (or short for that matter haha). And also partly because I was showing them and telling them about various things. We even stopped for awhile to munch on mini chocolate buns that I'd brought along with me.

Taught them about streetlamps. Played with shadows. Talked about canals and how water from the drains all converge and flow into the main big canal. And how water flows from the canal out to the sea eventually. Showed them ferns and creeping vines on trees. Explained to them the different breeds of dogs since so many of them were out on strolls that evening. Taught Nadya how to look after Alyssa and make sure she didn't get into the path of any bicycles or skate scooters.

We talked about fairy lights too. And reflections of light on water. And high tides versus low tides. Taught Nadya how to read street signs and recognise the one leading to our development. We watched one or two planes go by, almost overhead. And we spent quite some time observing a black and white cat lying on top of a wall. Before Nadya shrieked and ran away when the cat finally decided to jump down and headed towards us in search of food.

We walked. We talked. We laughed. We sang. We giggled. We ate.

It was a short 40minutes but I had a really wonderful time. I hope they did too.

And...

Thank you children.
For opening up Mama's eyes again to all the sights, sounds and wonders of this world. Things which we as adults have come to take for granted and gloss over. Things which we as adults have unconsciously chosen to unsee because they have become inconsequential to the daily grind. Thank you for piquing my curiosity again.

Mindsets

If you cannot change the person/colleague who is bringing you grief, and if getting out of the team is not an option, or changing the environment isn't an option, maybe you could look at changing yourself. 

Not changing yourself by bending your principles just to accommodate the other person, but perhaps tweaking certain mindsets of yours....to allow yourself greater emotional control over the effect the other person has on you.

Afterall, why suffer in silence when the other person doesn't care? Why make yourself miserable when the other person goes off "scott-free"? Why bring yourself grief and emotional distress? And if you bring things up, you may end up being seen as the person being petty or being the "bad guy"?

Maybe I should look at how I can tweak myself or my mindset a little?
How can I grow further? What do I need to do? How do I get myself out of this biased rut?

7 early 8 early

Auntie E, I know it's your first time handling the hotline. You're a mother of 2 teenagers. You're almost 50 years old. No need to be so kancheong and make so much noise every time you pick up a call from the hotline.

"Whooo!! Wah!!! I feel so kan cheong!!???!!"
"How ah?!!"
"Oh my god!!"
"My heart is pumping 100 beats a second!"
"Alamak how?! Sheeeeessshh...Whoa!"
"I'm so scared!!?!"

It's quite loud and rather distracting....
Sigh.

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Auntie L....I know you're busy with alot of things...No need to keep harping on it to me too...
I have alot of things on my plate as well you know...:)

You keep saying you're going mad...but...sigh...anyway...some of us are also busy too, if not even busier...

Of Animals and ......Zodiacs

In the world of fengshui, the Monkey's allies are the Rat and Dragon. The Monkey also has a secret friend, the Snake.

Suddenly realised that my insurance advisor/agent is a Snake. And more recently, I did some transactions with my DBS relationship manager and he is also born in the year of the Snake, though a good 12 years younger than my insurance agent haha.

Nadya is also a Snake. 

This Monkey gets along quite well with Goats too...Alyssa is a Goat. Ally, PQ, KH and Chiewz are all Goats too!

Musings

Nadya's usually not a morning person but she has good days when she wakes on the right side of bed and is cheery and agreeable. The other day when I woke her up for school. The moment she opened her eyes and saw me, she gave me a smile and said: 

"Mama, do you know that the rib cage protects the heart?" 

Hahah...thank you darling for that snippet of information! 

She had learnt it in school the previous day I think and obviously that piece of info was still in her head....:D

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Alyssa is growing fast. 

In the past month, she's suddenly speaking alot more and in proper English and sentences. 

Oh I feel conflicted! I'm happy that she's growing well but I don't want her to grow so fast! 

She's my last kid and if she outgrows her baby-ness....then there'll be no more squishes for me to cuddle anymore...:(

Conversations with a 4yr 3 mth-old

This morning, while getting ready for work and school, Nadya patted my tummy and said:

"Mama, you wear this dress, cannot see your belly. Hehe."


zzzzz.....
Ok noted my darling, I should wear this dress more often then... haha.

frustration is .....

when you are sick and are woken up by your fussy kid a second time within one hour. And when your kid is crying and kicking and refusing to listen to you. And when your kid insists on you fanning her back to sleep because “it’s very hot”. And when your kid then says after 3mins that “it’s very cold”. And when you start crying out of sheer frustration and anger. And when you feel as if your blood vessels are going to burst. And when you beg your kid to sleep through the rest of the night and stop waking up, while you sob uncontrollably. And when your kid finally does go back to sleep but your mind is now so fucking charged up that you can’t get back to sleep even though your body wants to. 

Yakkity Yak

It's been a lot of talk today. Abit too much for me lol. This introvert needs a break from all the talking and socialising.

The day started with a breakfast meeting with an old and close friend from the industry. An hour and a half of talking.

Came back to the office thereafter and immediately had a 20min discussion with the boss. Cleared a little work....

And then I had a lunch meeting again. More talking for another hour and a half. Came back to the office and had a 15min discussion with a colleague....

Bah, too much talking liao hhahaha...I think I'm done for the day...I don't want to talk anymore and shall hide in my cubicle till the end of the work day lol......

My sore throat wasn't doing too good last night....It still hurts now.  :(

Imagine

It was a fleeting image but it brought me warmth and anticipation. 

I was walking back to the inlaws place yesterday evening when I saw a mother with 2 primary-school-going daughters. The older girl was probably 10 years old and the younger one was 7 or 8. The two girls were dressed in long cotton nightgowns. One had princess characters printed on the front and the other I couldn't see clearly but I guessed it would have been similar princess characters too. 

And then an image came to mind. It was fleeting...but it made me warm and fuzzy and brought a smile to my face. 

It was me with Nadya and Alyssa. They both had hair past their shoulders. We were all dressed in pyjamas. We were huddled together on a bed and it was a rainy night. Each of them were curled up in the nook of both my arms...and we were reading a storybook together....Nadya looked about 8 in the image, which means Alyssa would be around 6. 

*love* 

I wonder how they'll grow up to be...:)

woozy

Had a sudden but split-second wave of dizziness on Tuesday while buying lunch. My colleague was with me and I grabbed his arm instinctively. It was over in a split-second but I felt a little odd thereafter.

I've been lightheaded on and off since that day. Today's Thursday. I think I'll go see the doctor tomorrow....hope it's not low blood pressure or anything though some of my symptoms point to that...

Presentation to the Minister

Did a presentation to a Minister today. It was a short session peppered with small quick discussions here and there. All in all, the session lasted only 20mins. He was rather quick-witted and could grasp things easily.

Oh the amount of preparation that went into it....the clearance and number of emails that went into getting the slide deck ready...the number of calls I had with my counterpart in the Ministry.....the nervousness I felt for the entire day yesterday (which thankfully dissipated when it was time to "perform")....All these did not commensurate with the duration of the session....just 20mins lol.

Am just glad it went well. Partly it was because the Minister himself was a friendly and approachable person. Very affable and no airs about him. He made jokes here and there as well and was generally very easy to talk to.

Glad this is over!
Good experience...