Ganbatte

For some people, it makes them feel alive when they exercise and feel their heart rate increase, or when they feel their muscle ache after their exercise. Or when they feel breathless and pant. 

I don't. It makes me feel slightly accomplished for a few seconds, and then it makes me uneasy, uncomfortable and nervous. It makes me have thoughts and ask questions like: why is my heart beating so fast? Am I ok? Is this heart rate acceptable for someone of my age and (non)ability? What if I collapse now? Will anyone rescue me? I don't have any ID on me, will they know who I am? Will I be ok? Why do my calves hurt? I hope my legs are ok. I hope I am ok. ......

And that. Is the anxiety at work (and at play). 

It is something I work at overcoming alot of the time these 2 years. There are better times and there are worse times. And there are days I surrender to sleep at 930pm because I want to rest my physically tired body, and my mentally and emotionally tired mind. Sometimes, I think it's a form of "escape". And that is why I feel annoyed and exasperated when my sleep gets interrupted. Sleep is an essential recharge to me. 

That said, I am still thankful that I do still feel happy and alive when I ......

• feel the wind in my face
• feel the sun on my skin
• hear the girls' excited chatter and pitter-pattering of feet
• eat nice food
• watch the sky at dusk
• laugh out loud uninhibitedly
• act silly uninhibitedly
• have meals with my family and/or K's parents
• laugh out loud when I watch K-variety shows
• catch up with close friends
• have a small date with K...
• ......, etc

Onwards and upwards. 

Keep walking. Keep moving. 

Keep trying. Keep going. 

You can do this. 

I can do this!