The Dam

It finally broke. At 3am in the morning. 

Triggered out of pure frustration, anger and desperation. 

Nadya has been crying every single night since 2 or 3 weeks ago. Every single time she wakes up to pee. Which is usually twice a night. And on rare occasions, 3 times. And she takes long to fall back to sleep. Half the time she needs to fuss before she falls back to sleep. 

I don’t know what happened. What changed. It wasn’t so bad previously. 

She whimpers and kicks several times during the night and a he talks at times in her sleep as well.

I’m tired af. Finally cried. At 3am. Was so frustrated at her senseless crying and fussing earlier on after she got up to pee. 

She fussed a lot before she slept as well. I had to clench my fists to stop myself from screaming. I had to sit facing the wall for 5-10mins to keep myself sane and not lose it. 

Tired. Frustrated. Raw. 

Lagging on some work stuff as well. And on some personal things to do. 

I want a break. 

From everything. And everyone. 

Hurt is when

Your younger girl says “I don’t want Mama!”.

3 times.  

In her fussy, sleepy, crying, messy state.

While being carried by the helper.

She’s never done that previously. I’m upset. Quite upset. Very upset. 

My firstborn

I know I have a sensitive and emo girl - Nadya. But I didn't know she feels that much.

I promised her she could watch a short video the other day. It was a video of Belle (from the 1991 cartoon Beauty and the Beast) going out in the snowy wilderness and getting trapped in the waters of an icy lake when the thin layer of ice on the lake's surface broke. The Beast turned up at the last critical moment and rescued her. Belle was so exhausted and traumatised that she was limp in his arms.

It was a 4-min video I think. When it ended, I turned to look at Nadya and her eyes were already teary and red-rimmed. I got a shock and immediately hugged her.

Turned out that she thought Belle was going to die and she felt so sad that she started tearing.

:(  My sensitive little girl....
Maybe I should be more careful...

Kim Joo Hyuk

Kim Joo Hyuk's death in a bad car accident on 31 October was a shock to many in the Korean entertain industry. And to his fans as well as those who watch 2D1N Season 3.

It was somewhat of a shock to me as well and for several days after that I did feel a little down.
Afterall, I'd watched all 200 episodes (almost 200 I think) Season 3 episodes from end 2013 to date over the last 8 months or so. And I feel rather "close" to the 2D1N members of Season 3 (past and present)....

He was only 46, at the prime of his career and he was planning to marry his girlfriend as well...

Rest in peace KJH, Gutaeng-hyung.
I hope you are reunited with your parents now and having fun with them on the other side of the rainbow.

Me these days

Testy
Irritable
Sensitive
Impatient
Frustrated
Teary
Tired


Various things to be done
Various things to remember
Miniscule things
Bigger things
Some grating team-mates


Need more patience
Need more adrenaline
Need more zen


Need to learn how to pick my battles
Need to remind myself that some battles can be fought later on, at the right timing

Dad

My Dad's turning 75 in 2 weeks' time.

It doesn't quite hit me yet that he's of that age till I wrote it down. Our parents are really getting older...I'm glad they are still relatively mobile and independent.

He's getting old. But his bad temper is still there. Obstinate like an ox at times. Feisty and crabby too. He may throw a fit and complain till the cows come home but at the end of the day, he will usually still reluctantly give in to my mum if she is persistent enough.

The one thing that turns him into mush is probably his 2 grand-daughters hahahha.

Mum & Dad argued on the phone yesterday. We were having 3-way conversation and he slammed the phone down on the both of us. He's never done that before and while it didn't really surprise me, I was still a little taken back that he'd felt so strongly about the whether to buy a new fridge for their home or not.

Anyway....I'm hoping the both of them will work out something. As they've had for the last 40-odd years :)

Conversations with a 4yr-old

During bathtime last Friday.

Nadya: Mama! Look at my pee! It's yellow. *grins*
Me: Erm yup...
N: Is it only Singaporeans' pee that is yellow? Or (all) humans?
Me: All humans darling....depends on how much water you drink too...the shade of yellow will be different.
Me: I think animals' pee is yellow too....

Bio lesson? Lol...

Mum

Mum was discharged last Friday i.e. 27 Oct, after a couple days' stay in the hospital.

Her CT scan, ECG, heart echo, blood tests were ok. She didn't manage to do a proper stomach endoscopy though. And that was where they discovered what was wrong.

She has a narrowing of her esophagus, which explains why she had difficulty swallowing stuff in the 2 weeks before she was admitted. Each time she swallowed food or even water, she would experience pain in her chest. The hospital also discovered a small white protrusion within the esophagus, just above the narrowing. They managed to scrape a portion of it out to do a biopsy. She lost about 2-over kg.

They were supposed to get back to us this Monday on the biopsy results. It's Thursday already but we've not heard from them yet. I suppose this is good news. No news is good news right?

All we can do now is to wait till Nov 15 for her next appointment with the hospital.

In the meantime, she's eating rather light foods and chewing everything into very tiny pieces before swallowing. She's taking strong antacids and other strong anti-acid medication to combat her acid reflux.

She's a little frustrated at having to eat just mee sua or porridge everyday and has started experimenting with tiny pieces of pandan cake and chee cheong fun. All good so far so she's happy about that.

Jiayou mummy!
I hope you don't lose anymore weight.....

I don't mean to be mean but....

So a Facebook messenger group chat was set up like 4 years ago for my primary school class.
There was a gathering at that time but I didn't attend it as I was in my last few weeks of pregnancy.

Someone revived the chat this morning. To inform the rest of us that an ex-classmate's mother had passed on. Details of the wake were also shared and we were encouraged to send in messages of support and love to the chat. Someone suggested pooling funds and sending a wreath to the wake. 

I don't mean to be mean but....

• When the initial message came in to notify us that so-and-so's mum had passed on, I was wondering who that so-and-so was. I simply couldn't recall that classmate at all. When I finally remembered roughly who she was, I couldn't put a face to the name.   
• I've not seen nor spoken to that classmate for 25 years. After we went our separate ways after the PSLE, I did not keep in touch much with my classmates...
• I don't think I would (i) contribute anything to the wreath or the wake, and (ii) drop by the wake.

While she shared maybe 2-3 years of primary school life with me, she was not part of my life for the next and more important 25 years and I don't think we would reconnect anytime soon too.... 

To my P6 ex-classmate:

I'm sorry for your loss...My deepest condolences to you and your family. I hope your father is taking it well too. It sounds cliched but it's true, time does wash away some of the pain so take heart. Jiayou. 

Of red angry faces, heaving chests, hot tears and LOTS of screaming

I think...I will be hearing more squealing, shrieking, screaming and squalling in the years to come. The girls fight at least once each day. 

Last night was a big fight though. I was not present and the helper didn't seem to know how to pull them away from each other. By the time I heard the commotion and went over, the thing they were fighting over was torn.....

Before: A lovely document bag given by my brother to Nadya for her birthday. It was given on 7 Oct at their party. 

After: A huge gaping slit by one side of the bag.

Each girl was holding on to a bag handle and having a tug-of-war. By the time I reached them, both were on the floor. Nadya was half squatting. Alyssa was almost lying on the floor and using her legs as well. The small one was screaming like a banshee and both girls were crying like nobody's business. 

I had to pry Alyssa's fingers away from the bag. She protested vehemently. She usually comes to be for comfort though so even though I was wrestling with her, she gave up and kind of just wanted me to hug and comfort her. While still screaming like a mad banshee. 

Nadya needed less comforting though she was pretty upset as well. 

The bag was squirreled away and tucked in a corner of my room. So they both didn't get it in the end. 

15mins later after I calmed Alyssa down and distracted her with other stuff......I found them playing together again. Laughing and giggling like nothing happened just before that. 

I have Jekylls and Hydes in my home lol. 

Conversations with a 4yr-old

Nadya is getting more.....articulate and analytical and sometimes her matter-of-factness stumps me. Hahaha....here are some of our recent conversations....

===================
On 4 October, just before bed. Totally random.

Nadya: Mama, if Rapunzel's hair is so long, then how will she pee and poo? Won't her hair get into the toilet bowl?

I literally laughed out loud at her question. :D
It's a practical question to ask though. In all my 37 years, I never thought of it haha.

===================
On 17 October, when the school was closed and we sent her over to my inlaws' place but not Alyssa.

Nadya: Mama, is Meimei going there too?
Me: Nope.
N: Why?
Me: Yeye and Nainai might not be able to watch the 2 of you at the same time. (lame reason I know...it's just become a habit that we leave only Nadya with them there haha.)
N: Noooo. There are 2 of them. Yeye can look after me, because I like Yeye. And Nainai can look after Meimei. Right?
Me: Yeah...oh well...(changes subject)

She's getting to the age where we can't just randomly blurt out an excuse...

===================
On 20 October, some fuzzy wuzzy small talk while we were lying in bed about to sleep.

Me: Nadya, why are you lying so close to the edge of your bed?
N: Because I thought I could marry the edge of my bed.

I was stumped at that point because I thought it was a witty reply. "Punny" in a way.
Lay close together mah...you lie close to someone when you get married mah...right right?
But the more I think about it, the more what she said doesn't make sense to me hahaha.

===================
On 21 October, Saturday morning.

Nadya: I am here. It is here that I am.

So random again....and....so philosophical!
I really have no idea where she learnt this from. Maybe from school?

17 October 2017

I turned 37 that day. So I'm officially in my late 30s now.
A little scary to me though.

When I was in my early to mid-twenties, 37 years old seemed old, and established, and mature, and stable.

Now I'm actually 37. But I don't feel that established, mature or stable. And it scares me somewhat that 40 is just 3 years away. 3 more years and then I'll receive my Eldershield letter from the government. Yikes.

But I'm thankful.

For K, for the 2 princesses, for a roof over my head, for loving parents, for caring parents-in-law, for good friends, for a stable job, for relatively stable health.....

Embrace the 30s!

==========
The school was only operating for half a day that day, so I decided to just not send the girls to school. Alyssa stayed at home and Nadya went over to the inlaws' place. And while Alyssa had her lunch and afternoon nap, we went out for a nice lunch. (Don't worry, the helper was still at home watching her.)

We went to Strong Flour at Katong V. Lovely handmade pasta. We had 3 mains between the 2 of us lol. And then we went home and I managed to snooze for around 1.5 to 2 hours before Alyssa woke up!

Simple celebration. But it was enough for me.
No big bangs or pizzazz for me. I'm a simple girl who prefers quieter things. :)

Mum

Just got news that Mum checked herself into A&E this morning.
She asked to go because her tummy issues had been present for several days. Medication from the poly doctor didn't seem to have much effect.

She's been having trouble with her reflux and also had trouble swallowing. She has discomfort after eating and poor appetite.

Sigh...:(

Take care mummy....
Pending updates from Dad.....

a little....

disappointed.

that some friends of 24 years didn't wish me on my birthday.
do i expect too much? i don't know.
thoughts of "you shouldn't hinge your happiness on what others do" are floating in my mind.
rightfully so too.
chill babe.

==========
disappointed.

that after all these years, I am still a doormat at times.
i've improved much compared to last time.
just that when i encounter assertive or bossy people, I still sometimes acquiesce, especially if they are within family or close friends.
chill babe.

==========
hopeful.

nadya seems to enjoy dancing quite abit. and she seems to be into speech and drama as well.
i hope it brings her out of her shell more and helps her get more confident.
she is also opening up more these days. she managed to buy bread on her own the weekend just past, with some guidance from me.
kudos to her for trying. proud of her.
baby steps.

==========
hopeful.

although alyssa is in her "i don't care, i want it and i will scream if i can't have it" stage right now, she is more flexible and also open to alternatives compared to how nadya was at the same age.
even if i go ahead to do something against her will, and she bawls terribly, she takes a faster time to recover as well and with less pandering by me.
which is generally good. need to guide her more. but we're starting on an easier slate. 
baby steps.

Laments

frustrated.

lazy colleague looking for quick answers. bugging me for the simplest of things.

==========
exhausted.

but it's only 11am. tahan. had 5hrs of sleep with 3 interruptions in between.

==========
queasy.

bloated and nauseated. due to lack of rest and i don't know what else.

==========
groggy.

everything feels abit too bright today. the lights in the MRT, the lights in office, the sky outside.

==========
unmotivated.

maybe demoralised as well. the coll's team will be expanding soon. and i am still stuck as an OMO. difficult to progress like this.

==========
teary.

partly from yawning. partly from feeling a little emo.

==========
jiayou.

hang in there. tahan. hwaiting. you are not the only one dealing with such things.

7 Oct 2017

We held a birthday party on 7 October for the 2 girls. Same thing like last year, but bigger.

Although Alyssa's birthday had passed, we decided to still combine both their celebrations together since their birthdays were only 2 weeks apart. (Alyssa's birthday was on 24 Sept and Nadya's was on 9 Oct)

We invited some of Nadya's classmates (and their parents) and also one of Alyssa's classmates. We also invited our immediate neighbours and their kids. There was balloon sculpting and face painting as well. Food was great, thanks to the team at The Garden Slug.

We were in luck as well because there happened to be 2 art exhibitions taking place and the cafe walls were adorned with various art pieces. There were watercolour on wood pieces as well as oil on canvas pieces. There were animal paintings and portraints, and mermaid pictures and some of dolls too. It was a colourful atmosphere befitting of a birthday party!

I think Nadya enjoyed herself thoroughly. She was very well-behaved and fed herself her lunch while seated with her best friend. She responded confidently when engaged in conversation by the balloon sculptor and she was also able to hold her own when conversing with one of my neighbours. She danced on the mini stage in the room with her friends, sang loudly and pranced about too haha. It was lovely seeing her enjoying herself.

Alyssa was somewhat subdued this year though. I think the poor girl was a little overwhelmed by the number of people milling about and she couldn't understand why so many familiar faces were altogether in the same place, like both sets of grandparents, her paternal aunt and maternal uncle, and even her classmate and her classmate's parents haha. She clung to me like a baby koala bear most of the time and only agreed to take pictures with her schoolmates when Nadya was around. She was so tired when she got home after the party that she slept for a good 3 hours.

Thanks to all who attended....
The girls were happy and excited with the presents they received and.....
My house is now flooded with toys, books, clothes and other stuff from Frozen. I'm seeing Elsas and Annas everywhere lol....

8 October 2017

It was our 6th ROM anniversary on Sunday. So fast.

We held our ROM ceremony earlier and separate from our customary Chinese wedding. Mainly because of my Granny. She would not have been able to attend our Chinese wedding dinner and I wanted her to be part of our celebrations. So we did an ROM lunch instead.

We went to True Blue Cuisine and booked their private room. It was cosy, it was intimate, I loved it. Only immediate family members were present and we had a delicious Peranakan lunch.

I brought a pink diamante hairclip and pinned it onto Granny's hair. She looked so sweet and when she smiled, her eyes shone brightly. Her mind was a little fuzzy by then but I believe she had her lucid periods during the ceremony and she was aware that I was getting married.

Funnily, we've not gone back to True Blue Cuisine after our ROM there. Not once in 6 years I think lol. Maybe we should bring the girls back there for a meal one of these days.

Worry is

...when your scalp, the part where they cut open during surgery 12 years back, has ached for several days...

:(

waste of time

I don't profess to be someone who is extremely good in English. But I think my grammar is still sort of passable.

It pains me that I am editing 12 articles which we paid a professional copywriter to do up. Several thousand for 12 articles and anther 2 more articles in December. Chockful of typos and grammar mistakes which should not have been there in the first place.

This is not work that I would expect from a copywriter! No checks on quality? Goods were not delivered on time as well.

Heng. This is not my project. I'm just covering someone.

Past. Present. Future.

No. Not about tenses.

About the mind. My mind.

Too much focus on the past. Too much reminiscing.

Why do I live in my memories? Both the good memories and the bad ones. I don't know the answer myself...

Is it because I find comfort in the past? Is it because I'm scared of what the future brings so I tend to dwell on the past?

Do I miss out on the present because my mind seems too centered on the past?

How do I re-jig my mind?