lists...

I shared an article on FB a few days ago. It was about the invisible mental load of mothers.
Let's see...what's my mental load?

1. Weekend menu planning
2. Weekly grocery planning list
3. Stock-taking of food and supplies at home (tried outsourcing to the helper to no avail)
4. Monthly online grocery list (mainly bulky items, homecare products and frozen food)
5. What to get to keep the kids entertained and/or stimulated? 
6. Which days will the school be closed?
7. When are the girls' excursions? When do I need to fill up and send back the consent forms and make payment? Do they need to dress up in PE attire on that day? What do they need to bring on that day?
8. What class activities are the girls doing next week and what art materials do the teachers need us to contribute? 
9. All other stuff that the school sends out on a weekly/daily/monthly basis
10. Which toys need to be thrown away? What old clothes need to be kept or donated? 
11. Are the girls growing well? 
12. Xmas presents 
13. CNY angpows 
14. What CNY goodies need to be bought?
15. When is the helper taking her off day?
16. Is the helper doing things right?
17. What does the helper need to concentrate on this week or next week or the week after? 
18. Has the helper completed the extra stuff I asked her to do last week?
19. When do we need to celebrate the inlaws' birthdays? When do we need to celebrate my parents' birthdays? When can we do Mothers' and Fathers' Day celebration for both families?
20. When are my checkups? Do I need to do anything before that?
21. Am I doing the right things?
22. Do we need to do anything for the neighbours for Xmas or CNY?
23. The curtains need washing
24. The aircon needs servicing
25. The windows, cupboards, fridge, utility area and storeroom need to be cleaned from time to time
26. The plants, whatever is left of them, need to be pruned 
27. Need to cut my hair!
28. Have I paid my bills?? Credit card, my insurance, the girls' insurance, mobile?!
29. Need to "trim back" the organically growing piles of junk everywhere in the house
30. Need to....
31. Want to...
32. Am I....
33. What do we....
34. When are we....
35. And the list goes on......................
36. and on...................

Genius Peanut

Had the most vivid and awesome dream last night. I remember waking in the middle of the night thinking "Wow! Just wow!"

In the dream. Alyssa was a super duper child genius. At the age of 2, she was representing IMDA and Singapore at a United Nations forum. Yes, at the age of TWO haha.

She spoke passionately about an issue in particular. Grand hand gestures and all. I can't remember what issue though. And in the dream, she was speaking in that baby voice of hers, poor diction, unclear pronunciation, lisps and all haha.

But still! Being the genius that she was, she convinced many countries to take the same position as Singapore and everyone voted to not ratify an international treaty of sort...Again, I can't remember what the treaty was about. The delegation from Singapore, with her as the main speaker, had a resoundingly successful trip to that forum!

The organisers must have given her a very tall stool to stand on because I remember her head just peeking over the lectern when she was speaking haha.

This is probably the most awesome dream I've ever had!
Hahaha...I woke feeling so proud and elated, even if it was just a dream..... :)

Reconnecting

This year's Xmas festivities were pretty good...I was a little jaded last year and tired as hell to be honest. I don't think I enjoyed the holidays as much as I should have.

This year, I felt that all gatherings went well and were better than I'd expected. Just simple nice times spent with close friends, fast and firm friends, and of course...family.

• 14 Dec - Dinner with the Duckies...more meaningful conversations...laughter as usual and we'd already made plans on the "theme" for next year's Xmas gifts. We're supposed to buy something round. Up to us to define what "round" is ahahaha. One whole year to think through what to get!
• 16 Dec - Dinner with K's family at his parents' place. Home-baked turkey and other home-cooked food, plus some beef and roasted pork I brought from my company's leftover function made for a yummy dinner.
• 22 Dec - Lunch with PQ & Ally and Kyler, followed by a visit to Parwin and her new baby Eshaan! Thoroughly enjoyed the lunch time together though I think I had to much truffle fries haha.  
• 23 Dec - Dinner with the rest of the sec sch peeps at Eugene & Yenhui's place. With 8 adults, 8 kids and 1 more baby on the way....gatherings in the future would probably be at someone's house more often than not...This year, with most of the kids being older already, we even managed to get almost 2 hours of sitting, drinking and chatting by ourselves at the dining table. The kids were either glued to the TV or playing on their own. Yay to more of such!
• 24 Dec - Annual gathering as usual at Uncle David's place. Managed to catch up with my cousin Suli, which was nice...even managed to interact with Baby Ashlyn without the girls getting jealous haha...
• 25 Dec - Xmas day dinner with my own family at Katong Kitchen, one of our favourite buffet places. :) Food was good, company was good, Nadya fed herself more than half of her bowl before getting distracted (hahaha).....what more could I ask for? 

Long toes!

Facebook reminded me that on 20 December 2008, I posted this photo on FB.

I distinctly remembered where I was, why I was sitting there, what thoughts were going through my head, who I was waiting for and what song I was listening to on repeat.

Where I was: Steps leading to the Harbourfront MRT station. This was at the exit at the back. Very few people pass by this exit.

Why I was sitting there: Waiting for someone.

What thoughts I was having: Anger, sadness, disappointment at something that happened. I was also at a loss and in a muddled fuddled state. I was trying to find my bearing and wondering what I should do next.

Who I was waiting for: An ex

What song I was listening to: Angel by Sarah McLachlan. I was using my Ipod Nano I think. One of the earliest incarnations of it haha. I listed to the song at least 12-15 times. Can you imagine how long I was made to wait there? I remember thinking to myself then "I'm always the one who is waiting. Since day 1 when I was made to wait 1.5hrs for the first date. Why? Am I that unimportant? I probably am. For things to have come to such a state."


p/s: My nail polish was quite chio! I've not done my nails up for a long long long long time...ever since the kids came into the picture haha....I should do them up for Xmas!!....DIY at home....if I can find the energy to at night when they are asleep. :D

Peanut is sick...

Alyssa is sick again. Fever in the middle of the night.
Might be the black forest cake on Saturday and the choc donut on Sunday that did her in.

Body is at work but the heart is at home. :(

She cried big time when I left the house this morning. Heart pain....

I've made up my mind to head home after lunch, sometime in the early afternoon....maybe do some simple painting with her...or blow bubbles with her when she wakes from her afternoon nap.

Get well soon peanut.!You still have 4 more parties/gatherings this coming Xmas weekend....22, 23, 24 and 25 Dec....

Conversations

Funny how conversations go the older one gets.

In my 20s, conversations with the Duckies revolved around asshole boyfriends, horrible dates, gossip about the company and our ex-boss, updates on whichever workplace we were at at that point, general trivia, bitching and well, more bitching. 

Truth be told, though I treasured them as friends and appreciated being part of the group, sometimes I felt abit zapped out by the incessant bitching. Too much of it haha. 

As I moved into my 30s, there was a noticeable shift in conversations whenever we got together. Especially in the last 2 to 3 years. 

It became even more apparent to me in our last 2 meet-ups. 

Our talk is no longer about horrible dates. Though as a group we went through 2 divorces  (both were cheating cases) and had to contend with one of our own ghosting us. All of which happened within the last 3 years. 

Our talk is now about health, be it our eczema issues (which surprisingly a lot of us have), EH’s immune disorder issue, G’s hepatitis issue, our digestive issues, etc. 

Our talk is now about quick but meaningful updates of our current lives. Our talk is about our siblings and familial relationships. Our talk is now about careers (not jobs and workplace gossip). Our talk is now about reminiscing.

Sure, the lame jokes are still there. The occasional bitching is still there. But generally, I feel our conversations have become abit more meaningful, at least to me. 

And there is this easy camaraderie amongst us as a group, including the “associate members” I.e the boyfriends and husbands. 

Here’s to 15 years and counting! May this band of Duckies go strong! 

The Duckies

Had dinner with the Duckies this evening. Our annual Xmas gift exchange and dinner gathering. 5 of us ladies plus 2 “associate members” I.e boyfriends/husbands. Thankful that somehow this motley crew has managed to remain together for the last 15 years! 

One of the ladies kinda abandoned us 2 or 3 years back and despite various attempts to get through to her, she didn’t really reciprocate. It was a sudden and some say, deliberate, distancing from us. Anyway, we’ve since given up on her and we’re pretty ok as we are right now in this group. 

Cheers to more years of friendship, nonsense chatter and many guffaws! 

存在 - 汪峰

Not sure if I've posted this before....but this remains as one of my favourite songs with very meaningful lyrics....存在 (Exist) by 汪峰 (Wang Feng)

存在 - 汪峰

多少人走着却困在原地
duo shao ren zou zhuo que kun zai yuan di

多少人活着却如同死去
duo shao ren huo zhuo que ru tong si qu

多少人爱着却好似分离
duo shao ren ai zhuo que hao si fen li

多少人笑着却满含泪滴
duo shao ren xiao zhuo que man han lei di

谁知道我们该去向何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai qu xiang he chu

谁明白生命已变为何物
shui ming bai sheng ming yi bian wei he wu

是否找个借口继续苟活
shi fou zhao ge jie kou ji xu gou huo

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒
huo shi zhan chi gao fei bao chi fen nu

我该如何存在
wo gai ru he cun zai

多少次荣耀却感觉屈辱
duo shao ci rong yao que gan jue qu ru

多少次狂喜却倍受痛楚
duo shao ci kuang xi que bei shou tong chu

多少次幸福却心如刀绞
duo shao ci xing fu que xin ru dao jiao

多少次灿烂却失魂落魄
duo shao ci can lan que shi hun luo po

谁知道我们该去向何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai qu xiang he chu

谁明白生命已变为何物
shui ming bai sheng ming yi bian wei he wu

是否找个理由随波逐流
shi fou zhao ge li you sui bo zhu liu

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼
huo shi yong gan qian xing zheng tuo lao long

我该如何存在
wo gai ru he cun zai

谁知道我们该去向何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai qu xiang he chu

谁明白生命已变为何物
shui ming bai sheng ming yi bian wei he wu

是否找个借口继续苟活
shi fou zhao ge jie kou ji xu gou huo

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒
huo shi zhan chi gao fei bao chi fen nu

谁知道我们该梦归何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai meng gui he chu

谁明白尊严已沦为何物
shui ming bai zun yan yi lun wei he wu

是否找个理由随波逐流
shi fou zhao ge li you sui bo zhu liu

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼
huo shi yong gan qian xing zheng tuo lao long

我该如何存在
wo gai ru he cun zai

It’s happening all over again

The night terrors. 

It happened with Nadya when she was around 2 and lasted several months I think. She’d wake up screaming and crying in the middle of the night. Nothing you said got through to her and she would mumble a phrase repeatedly. Something like “don’t want” or “I want mama”. Either that or she would just be screaming, crying, struggling and rejecting everyone who tried to touch her. 

It’s happening to Alyssa now too. Sigh....she’s been waking up screaming for a couple of days now.

And for some reason, Nadya has had pee “accidents” during the night more frequently than usual. I think it’s happened twice in a month already. When she was doing very well over the last 6-8months! She just peed on her bed and dripped onto my tilam on the floor as well.

What’s happening here? Transition to new classes leading to behavioural and sleep pattern changes? 

Jiayou jiayou.....*fighting*

Of lollipops and charity

Lollipop time is always happy time!

Taken after a grocery trip to Giant at Parkway Parade the Saturday just past. We had gone there buying some items to be donated to an old folks’ home through their school. Stuff we bought were bath towels, fleece blankets and milo powder.

I tried to explain to Nadya why we were buying the things. I hope she understands. At least she could tell me that “the grandmas and grandpas were lonely and didn’t have money and that we were buying them Xmas gifts”.

yin yue

Is 37 too old to be falling into the kpop craze?

Mando pop/rock still holds a special place in my heart though. Afterall, I was fan of 933FM for a good 12-13 years?

Musical accompaniments

Not literally...but music was an accompaniment to my otherwise drab working day today...

Whose music was there with me?

1. GEM
2. Namewee (yes, surprising....but he has some nice stuff)
3. Wanna One (Daniel Kang is cute in a way...jialat I may be falling into a kpop abyss)
4. Henry and Yiruma's collaboration for "River Flows in You"

Monday 4 Dec - the day the chilli padi reared her head

We brought the girls to Kinder Clinic in the evening. For Alyssa's persistent runny nose and developing cough.

While waiting for Alyssa's turn, Nadya read a book that was in our bag. That happened to be Alyssa's favourite book. In her 2-year-old mind, that was her favourite book and hence, that was HER book. 

She saw Nadya reading it and got riled up. She went to grab it from Nadya who held onto the book and refused to let go. 

*bam* Beast mode. 

Alyssa scratched Nadya's face. That small little thing with the sweetest face....is actually a little chilli padi lah. 

Nadya was so shocked and in pain that she bawled immediately. Alyssa, after being scolded by yours truly, started wailing as well. 

And this was all unfolding in front of the other small kids and parents in the clinic. So paiseh....

In the end, Nadya suffered from 3 cuts/scratches to her lips and 1 bigger scratch on her nose. Poor thing...

As for Alyssa, she did say sorry on her own accord, but only 5-10mins later. And they ended up hugging as well so it was touching to see. 

Today's Thursday. Nadya's scratches are still visible but healing quite well. Scabs have already formed so I expect them to fall off by this weekend. 

Long weekend last week

It was a hectic weekend last week. The school was closed on Thursday and Friday so it became a super loooooong weekend for us.

Thursday 30 Nov - blowing bubbles in the carpark and then to the small playground below our block in the morning. Went to OneKM for an early dinner following by a 30-min kids show where we saw Angelina the mouse and her friend Alice, Mike the Knight, Thomas the Train and the highlight of the show, Barney and friends. Had waffles and ice-cream after the show, to the girls's delight. :) It was the first time ever that Alyssa had ice-cream I think. Mouthfuls of it haha.

Friday 1 Dec - we brought them for breakfast at Resorts World's Macdonald's and then to the SEA aquarium in the morning. The girls were wowed by the colourful fishes inside, by the dolphins and big manta rays and by the sharks. They got to touch starfishes but got scared by a black sea cucumber and refused to touch it haha.

Saturday 2 Dec - breakfast in the morning was at the new SingPost Centre, followed by grocery shopping at the NTUC there. In the evening, it was dinner as usual at my parents' place. The girls kinda went wild over there, screaming, squealing, laughing, giggling and running all over the place.

Sunday 3 Dec - For the life of me, I can't remember what we did on Sunday morning lol. In the afternoon, we went for Nadya's swimming class as usual. When we got home, the girls insisted on going for a walk. We relented. Which invariably led to them wanting to go to the big playground at the park near our place. And so we went...haha.

The Sisters

Brought the 2 girls to the doc last evening. There were many people at the clinic and the dispensary took a long time with the numerous prescriptions.

I brought the girls downstairs to wait while K settled the bill and their medications.

The girls were quite excited and ran around the lobby of the building. Nadya was on a high...buzzing here and there. Both were shrieking, squealing, laughing, giggling...

And there were moments when they hugged, held hands and played with each other. Short fleeting moments but they were sweet and I was glad I managed to witness them. Nadya gave Alyssa a peck on her cheek too at one point, to which Alyssa responded with a big cheeky smile that crinkled up her entire face.

Living for moments like these that make my heart go fuzzy-wuzzy.

And then of course right after such moments, they morph back into crazy little shrieking people and make me lose my patience.

Hmm

It was a thumbs-down moment for me. 

Someone I’d known for more close to 15 years texted me with a “How are you dear?”. He’s a guy. We were closer once but we’ve hardly kept in touch in the last 5-6 years.

I thought it was nice of him to have touched base and reached out. I responded with some stuff and asked him how he was doing too. 

There was no response for several days. 

And then suddenly there came a text. But all it contained was a reference to an article he had written on LinkedIn and a shout-out to read the article. 

I did not respond. I found it a little distasteful and a little...I don’t know...disappointed? Dismayed? 

I felt like as I had been disarmed by the initial text and opened up myself. I responded sincerely with genuine information. But for several days there was zero acknowledgement to what I had shared. He didn’t care a hoot about what I’d said. And then instead after that, I suddenly found myself becoming a recipient of unsolicited marketing. (He runs a training business, motivational talks and coaching that sort of thing.)

When I received the article link, I immediately wondered. Was I just one of the many he mass-texted with a “How are you dear?” And was I just one of many who received he article link too? 

I was also suddenly reminded of another occasion where the same happened. I brushed it off the other time and didn’t think too much of it. But a second time....bah...

Maybe I am judging too much here. Maybe I have mistaken his intent. I don’t know. 

Am I judging too much? 

Hermit

老娘i今天anti-social。不想跟太多人说话或接触。 连好朋友KH和同组的同事想约我一起吃午餐我也都拒绝了。打包了pasta，想躲在自己的空间，自己的cubicle边吃边上网。

越老越像hermit crab哈哈。

或可能是前三天在周围太多声音，太多杂声，小孩子们也一直在身边叽里咕噜。。。前个星期同事的下属也一直在问我东西。。。现在我只想平静一下，平复一下。

niam

It's important to have good staff working under you. Otherwise....有时候真的是吐血.....

Conversations with a 25month-old

Earlier this evening. In the car.

Alyssa: Mama, I want keys.
Me: Oh, you want a kiss? *puckers up and leans in* *gets stopped by a chubby hand*
A: Noooooo!!! I want keys! *points*
Me: Oh. Keys. CHEY.....

===============
Earlier this evening. In the same journey. Nadya was fussing in the car.

Alyssa responded several times with “shhhhhh” to shush Nadya up.
K and I were frustrated with Nadya. But we couldn’t help but smile at Alyssa’s response haha.

===============
The helper had her day off today and when she came back, Alyssa was trying to tell her that we went out earlier in the evening.

A: Auntie Hope, we go out somewhere. We eat um-um. Yummy!
Helper: Where did you go?
A: There!

===============
On Friday evening.

Me: Alyssa, can you count to 100?
A: Yesh! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.......100!
Super shortcut lol.....!!

I knew it!

Alyssa woke several times during the night last night. She was screaming and asking for me.

I was thinking that she might be coming down with a fever soon...

And voila. Her form teacher just called.

She's running a 38.4C temperature.

K's gone to fetch her home from the school already.....
My sweet little happy pill....sigh...:(

I hope she sleeps better tonight. And I hope Nadya will be ok. She was acting out last night as well...
May this Mama get sufficient rest tonight...!