27 Sept 2021. Monday.
Start of a 2-week HBL period.
Nadya: Mama! We can eat Dada you know?
Me: Har??
N: Ya! Because he is Kueh Dadar!
N: *guffaws*
-_-''
Lol...lately she's been dishing out more 冷笑话s. Wonder where she's getting them from. Probably from friends in school or her student care centre....
We have Sunday evenings as mini-movie nights.
Mini because we don't do a full movie but just 30-35mins. So a movie is split over 3-4 Sundays to finish up.
We recently did the Sumikko Gurashi movie. There was no spoken dialogue and most of the character's thoughts and feelings were captioned on the screen in Japanese words instead. There were English subtitles too. I wondered though, if Nadya could read the subtitles fast enough, and if Alyssa could even understand any of it at all.
The movie ended on a sad note though, when one of the characters had to stay back in its own alternate universe. It had to be separated from the rest of its friends and could not join them in their world.
When it came to that ending scene, I heard a whimper from Nadya (who was sitting next to me) and was surprised to see her tearing up and crying mildly. What shocked K & I even more was when Alyssa burst out crying as well and continued bawling for a long time after.
It was full-fledged crying. Red eyes. Snot. Constant stream of tears. Heaving. Hitching.
My heart felt so bad for her...She was so saddened by the movie's ending. She had latched on to K and refused to let go so he had to spend quite some time consoling her....
Now I know. They probably take after me when watching shows. I cry at every single shit. Lol....
We finally bought a table-top grill/BBQ/hotplate last month.
And we did a mini home BBQ session last Saturday on our balcony haha. K was the chef, I was his assistant, helper was prepper, and the kids were.....the customers lol.
Pork belly, swiss brown mushrooms, shabu beef, prawns, squid, beef patty, chicken, tau geh, scallion, lettuce, hot dogs...K made his own burgers too haha...
Anyway, it was fun and yummy (and oily lol) and we were watching the NDP performances at the same time too.
Food was good, company was good, NDP performances were great...
It was a happy Saturday 21 Aug 2021 evening!
Went back to the office yesterday for a couple of hours. Was happy to catch up and spend time with ST.
Was happy too to get my new laptop and catch up with some of the tech guys who were there. :)
But I realised, being the introvert that I am, and having not physically spoken to so many people face to face for a long long time (save for meals with the extended family), I felt quite drained after that lol. Could literally feel my battery juice and energy run low. :D
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And so, after 10 years, I'll be back to using a Thinkpad. I started out with an IBM Thinkpad in this place in 2007, sought it over from the company when the 3-year refresh period was up and eventually passed the laptop on to my FIL who tinkered with it for awhile before it finally kaput.
Pending some other set-up to be done and configured first before I switch over to the new laptop. It's a Lenovo Thinkpad now haha.
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Pumpkin sprouts are growing well! But I have no idea what t do with them thereafter.... haha...Haven't had the chance to do any research also...will have to play by ear when they get bigger and taller....
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Meet-ups and gatherings in the next 2-3 weeks. Plus a much needed haircut. Hope my hairdresser is available on my off day. I've not cut my hair for 14 months. And it's getting very unruly at the ends...I need to lop off at least 4-5 inches I think....
Dr Mok gave me an affirmation yesterday.
"You are very self-aware. Some people don't even know what's wrong or which areas to fix. You are also a determined person and put in effort to manage things."
I just have to remind myself again and again not to overthink. Because our thoughts influence our feelings, which in turn influence our actions and behaviours.
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坚持是雄壮的。- Dennis Chew, on Hear You Out Season 2 Episode 4.
Pushed myself hard back in Sec 4. Pushed hard in the last year of uni. Pushed hard on and off in the last 9 years.
有时候觉得累， 有时候觉得骄傲。
有时候觉得不知道自己在干什么， 只知道自己只能往前走。
Keep walking, keep going.
I might be slower than some others or taking a longer time but I'll keep at my pace and my comfort level, just as long as I keep walking.
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A certain Mr Fernando told my friend during my internship when I was 21 years old that "Michelle will not survive in the corporate world when she goes out to work next time."
His comment pops up from time to time. It can lie dormant for several years and then something triggers that memory and the comment floats up again.
Not sure if my striving hard at work has anything to do with proving him wrong. Yeah, I'm not private sector corporate per se, but I think I'm still doing well enough in the public sector.
And at my own pace. I am not very ambitious. I don't actively seek out chances or opportunities so I can shine. I don't look for work or new projects to showcase myself. I just sit and wait in my corner. If there is an opportunity that happens along, and I feel I can take it, then I do so.....
Just thankful for all that has come by in my working life....good or bad...
The girls came home yesterday evening and were getting ready for their shower. Both started singing.
Alyssa: ~I love it when you call me senorita! Na na na na...It's true la-la-la..!!~
Nadya: ~They say ...na na na...I see the way you shine!...na na na...dance for me dance for me dance for me oh oh oh....move for me move for me move for me eh eh eh-eh!~
When I was 6 or 8, I think the songs in my head were mainly Tom Jones or Engelbert Humperdinck or at the most Michael Jackson or whatever oldies were playing on the radio at that point in time...
Now my kids are singing "Senorita" by Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello, and "Dance Monkey" by Tones & I.
Lol...
I miss their chubbiness. Their chubby faces, chubby arms and legs, chubby fingers, chubby backsides, chubby everything!
I miss the times when I can easily carry them from room to room or from place to place. When they were so small they could fit into the nook of my arms or rest comfortably on my tummy.
I miss the times Nadya would fall asleep on my chest and tummy for her weekend afternoon naps.
I miss the days when I still had to put them into a high chair to they could eat comfortably at a dining table.
I miss the days when the blankets covered them easily from neck to toe.
I miss the days when a simple trip downstairs or to the playground would be enough to keep them occupied and be happy.
I miss the days when both of them would knock out in the afternoons for their nap.
I miss the tiny pattering of feet around the house.
I'm holding thin hands and fingers and hugging thin frames now.
I can only barely carry Alyssa now and trying to carry Nadya is out of the question.
Only Alyssa sometimes wants to lie on my thigh for awhile now, just before she goes to sleep for the night.
Both girls are in their own chairs now and wielding their own forks and spoons. Nadya uses her chopsticks pretty well now too.
While Nadya still uses the same blankets she's been using since she was a baby, they barely cover her now and her feet always stick out lol. She refuses to stop using them.
Books, chats, craft sessions, and more are needed to keep them occupied now.
Only Alyssa still naps now but that'll be a thing of the past when she goes into P1 next year and starts getting used to the primary school + student care routines.
I only hear loud shrieks and loud (heavier steps) around the house now haha...
But yes, while I miss those days when they were still young and oh so cute...But I do treasure the times now too...for who knows...they may not even want to hang out with their parents in a couple of years from now...
You grew up in a certain way. You were brought up in a certain way.
Some of these certain ways did not leave positive marks on your life and on yourself.
You tell yourself not to do it when you become a parent yourself.
You try and you remind yourself.
But sometimes, certain things are so ingrained in you.
You don't even realise you're doing it until you've done it.
You get discouraged and feel guilty. You wonder if you're any good at this parenting stuff.
You try again. You fall again. You try again.
And sometimes you fall again. Self-doubt creeps in as well.
Just.
Keep going.
Bossa Nova jazz accompanies me at work on this cold cold morning.
Streaming it from a 24/7 Youtube channel called "Cafe Music BGM channel". Been listening to their channel for 2 weeks now. Pretty good.
And...it's Youth Day today! A small part of me still feels young and impressionable. So.....I can still celebrate it right? ;p And this will include snacking on Frosties this afternoon ;p
Will try to start doing arm dips?...K (and online sources) said they're good for all 3 parts of the triceps...
Lapsed on the squats so I should get those going again too...lol...
Learning Korean online is going pretty well. A little slow-going at times, especially when work and kids take up alot of time, but I think I'm doing good enough. I can read and write some basic words and I think I can write simple words based on how they sound phonetically too. Will keep going on this!
Jiayou to me for today will be a day dedicated to planning, policy review and some policy research work. Oh, and maybe some workplanning & target setting work as well.
Fighting!
coming soon or probably already here...
my acid reflux and gastric issue...
signs to know it's here....sensitive throat, on and off coughing when throats gets irritated, tight throat sometimes that makes swallowing more challenging and I need to be more careful, upper arms on and off aching, sometimes feels like there's a lump in my throat, one ulcer starting up in my mouth, tight upper gut with some cramping up last night, general lethargy (couldn't get out of bed these 2 mornings)...
ok...I've been eating more frivolously in the last 1-2 months...and I wolfed down my lunch on Sunday in less than 10mins....
It's about time my stomach acts up...I can just about guess the cycle already...
Time to self-manage and control my meals more again...
Only thing is...I've ordered in advance Mac for lunch today lol...Ok it's gonna be my last indulgent meal....before a week or 2 of more light eating...
Took me awhile but I recently found this Korean-Chinese Youtuber, who's been around for at least 4 years I think.
Content's a little duh at times but overall good and happy vibes. Sincere and didn't look too forced, at least for some of the videos I've watched.
Unique mix of both Chinese & Korean speech and culture. I found that interesting.
Saw this on IG:
Had half a yew chak kueh late yesterday morning. And a packet of cold ribena during lunch.
And had a slight scratchy throat by the time afternoon came...
zzzz....throat's pretty sensitive these days...
***Cue James Bond music***
Been awhile since I had a weird-ass drama dream haha.
It had funkiness, familiarity, nostalgia, jealousy, heart flutterings, disdain, and a whole load of other emotions all meshed together.
And so......
***Cue some more James Bond music***
K and I were spies. Specifically, spies in a secondary school. As secondary school students. At our current age. (I know right...*roll eyes*)
But I don't know what we were supposed to be spying about, who we were spying for, and who we were spying on! Lol...this premise wasn't "stated" in the dream haha...
Anyway, there was a girl student older than the usual age of Sec 3 or Sec 4 students cos she was a transfer student from overseas. She had quite a blatant crush on K as she found him alot more mature compared to the other Sec 3 & 4 guys. (I mean of cos lah, he's a 40-yr-old acting as a 16-yr-old). She followed him around and tried to have her recess meals with him. K tried to "fend off" this girl by hanging out with me instead lol.
And for me, I had a fresh graduate Math teacher who was somehow enamoured with me and tried to get close to me. He too found he could relate to me as I was alot more mature compared to other students. I don't remember how he looked like in the dream, but I think he wore glasses. I remember telling him to stay away from me and not get too close, and I almost blurted out that I was already married but bit my tongue and held back.....cos well...spy mah, cannot reveal real identity LOL.
The dream cut to a scene where we were all hanging out at the school canteen after school. For some absolutely strange reason, the rest of my secondary school friends ended up there as well. And ALL OF US were undercover i.e. 40-yr-olds masquerading as secondary school kids.
I saw Parwin and Peiqi sitting next to us and having their meals. We were all talking and chatting while having our meals. Ally was buying her food and bringing her tray over to sit with us. I don't remember who else was there specifically. It was a blur of faces around K and I and I had the impression Eugene and TH were floating around somewhere too. I remember thinking to myself "Wah, this spy project is growing to such a big scale that they (the spy organisation and folks behind all this) had to rope in my friends as well??!!"
I don't know which school we were in exactly. The guys were all in white shirts and long pants. Us girls looked like we were in KC uniforms (looks like Tao Nan's uniform too lol) but how could we have been in a co-ed secondary school if we were in KC? Lol....I heard someone mention Chung Cheng in the dream and also Dunman High but the uniforms look nothing like those schools.
Anyway.......
While we were hanging out at the canteen, the girl who had a crush on K was still in the background trying to join us at the long table and sit next to him. I gave her dagger eyes, not that she cared haha. The rest of us "complained" that we all flunked our tests...(cos who the hell at age 40 remembers their secondary school syllabus? haha.....)
And then....
My alarm rang....
And the dream ended abruptly so I never knew what happened to that teacher who had a crush on me, or what we were spying on or who paid us lol.....
SO amusing and fun hahaha. :D
Dealing with 2 staff that needs alot of hand-holding zaps energy and patience out of my workday sometimes.
Glad that I have a manager in between them and myself to weed out more nonsense stuff. But somestimes things like HR and interpersonal matters, and more complex operational issues still come to me.
Reminder to myself to take deep breaths and not let these 2 staff affect me and my thoughts too much.
Age, EQ and level of competence are some things I cannot control and I just have to learn how to accept things, and with various pinches of salt as well.
I have various spurts of optimism and try to guide and teach and hope they improve. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for disappointment because the higher the hope and expectation, the more disappointment and frustration there will be. Sometimes I still try, and then I find banging against the wall, and I get pek chek, and....the cycle repeats.
Maybe one day I will really give up. I don't know...Just cos someone's 50+ yrs old doesn't mean they can't learn and better themselves right?
1st jab done on 9 June.
Took alot of energy out of me trying to manage my fears and worries. Still taking some energy out of me but I will manage myself and I will get over it. Because I can.
Yes I can.
Jason Mraz accompanies me for work today. Specifically his Live showcase @ EBS in 2014 in Korea.
I used to be enamoured with him. And managed to see him live back in 2012 when he came by to perform at Gardens by the Bay. Somehow got to listening to him again recently.
Adrian texted me this morning at 745am. Rare for him to text me, even rarer for him to text me so early in the morning.
He wanted to tell me he's trying to get Dad to get hearing aids. Apparently Dad's hearing is getting quite bad, especially his right ear. Told Adrian that I hope Dad won't be as stubborn as how Granny was back on those days. I remember it took my Dad & Aunt YEARS to nag at her before she relented, and also because she couldn't hear the TV anymore.
Told Adrian to get Mum to speak to Dad as well. It's funny because Adrian shared that Mum can't talk to Dad much. Either he cannot hear her properly and misinterprets what she's saying and they both start arguing, or either one loses patience with the other and they end up arguing again. Whatever it is, they both end end up arguing lol.
I'll see what I can do...told Adrian I'll try to do some research on my end as well...on cost, types of aids available, brands and providers around...
As we watch our kids grow bigger, we ourselves grow older day by day...and our parents get older and older too...Such issues are coming up slowly...I'll need to learn how to adapt and handle them too..."parenting" the parents is one of them...
