Her Thoughts on Ballet

30 April 2023. Sunday evening. 

We were having dinner at the Viva Business Park. At the Fish & Kopi cafe next to Berries. 

We asked Nadya a random question on how she felt about ballet. What she said caught me off guard. 

In a good way though. I didn't expect to hear such comments from her. I felt quite proud of her and I was touched by her words too. After the dinner, I had to jot down her thoughts in my mobile phone as I wanted to remember what she said, in her exact words. And now I am jotting it down here, for posterity....

(1) I feel happy when I dance. It makes me forget about everything else and all my worries.

(2) When I dance, I know I can trust myself.

(3) It feels exciting when I get promoted to a higher grade.

(4) I feel happy when the teachers say I have improved or that I did well.

(5) Ballet performances look beautiful. 

(6) Sometimes I feel proud of myself. And sometimes when it gets difficult or I find it hard to do a certain move, I feel like I want to give up. But then I ask myself: why do I want to do ballet if I want to give up now? Then I tell myself to continue trying.

Notes from a podcast

Be mindful about (i) body, (ii) feelings, (iii) mind, and (iv) mental states.

How to be mindful of your mind.....

Observe your thoughts, become aware of them. It creates a space between you & your thoughts. It separates you from your thoughts. Your thoughts come and go, there is impermanence. You are you, you are unchanged, but your thoughts can come and go. When you separate yourself from your thoughts, your thoughts become like an outside object and you hold a more neutral non-judgmental view on your thoughts.

Ask yourself: what are you thinking of?

It is challenging but you have to practise this and be mindful about it. It gets easier over time after you practise and practise it. Your anxiety is always triggered by an emotion. It brings you to the future – what happens, what will happen what might happen?

What made me anxious? What made me fear? Then come back and think of this present moment.

Practise mindfulness and the separation of you & your thoughts.

Show some compassion for yourself. No one can be perfect always. Perfection does not equal success. Just do your best.

Breathe

choose your battles.

even at home? with the kids? 

trying time with Nadya. 

had to walk away just now before I lose it in front of her. 

Quote

Tomorrow must be created. It cannot be concretised today.

- Sadhguru 

The back

Strained lower back on 19 Mar. 

Since then, I woke everyday with bad lower back aches and soreness. 

Been doing physio stretches and exercises since Apr 13. 

Happy that on 19 or 20 Apr, I woke without the bad stiffness and ache at the lower back. 

And the morning aches are mostly gone too. 

Ganbatte...继续走...

Jiayou...

Broke down and bawled on Friday night. 

The cause? A difficult case at work which is bringing me much stress. 

I'd already been feeling a little low and unconfident. And this case just tipped me over

And so yeah...11pm came, I walked over to K...he looked at me and I ended up....

A blustering piece of mess.

Mood is still a little low now. 

Been working on and off over the weekend cos of some query from the powers up there. Makes everyone along the downstream chain jumpy, and the minions at the bottom of the food chain (aka laoniang) ends up having to dig info and investigate the issue...I feel it's mostly for nought and a waste of time to tweak things to the preference of some and an overkill to try to do certain things. But I am just a small ant...I can't say much or refute much also. Just do. 

Anyway, I digress.

I will keep going. 

I have to. 

Time flies

Mentioned to Ally & PQ that N has some blackheads on her nose liao....why so fast??

Ally said it's puberty already...

OMG lah...so fast meh? I am not ready for the girls to reach puberty so soon...

Not ready to get into conversations on the birds & the bees, menstruation, boobs, bras, etc...

And mostly I am not ready to have their baby-ness go away...

:( 

Note + Reminder to Self

Was listening to something on YouTube while editing a document. 

Keeping the list here as a reminder......

1. Identify your emotions (recognise, be aware)

2. Take responsibility for our actions (hold yourself accountable)

3. Find a role model (as a good guide, how do they handle negative feedback)

4. Keep a thought diary (identity patterns, realise that bad thoughts and worries are not true)

5. Learn to be open-minded (hear others out, less judgement)

6. Embrace reality (accept life, accept flaws, accept what can’t be changed)

7. Pause and be patient (pause & reflect, consciously choose how you want to react)
8. Live in the present (be conscious, be in the moment) 

11 April 2014

It's been 9 years since you left us Granny. I hope you're doing well up there and having fun being with Ipoh, Tuanku and the latest (and youngest) joiner, Brenda. 

I still think of you often. 

And most recently, I was thinking of the handmade potato chips we made whenever CNY swung by. How we sliced the potatoes using the handheld slicer (which I never got to use by the way cos I was still quite young at the time), how we laid out each slice on huge metal trays and also rattan trays, how we blanketed all those trays with so many slices of potatoes and sunned them all in the balcony.....How we collected the slices and then how you & Mum deep fried each piece lovingly and then sprinkled salt on them...how Adrian & I stole chips while you guys were making them heh...

I love you and I miss you. 

I wonder sometimes how the nurses at the Econ Medicare home are too from time to time...I thank them for taking care of you in your final years...

Take care, wherever you are..

Frustrating Morning

"Argument" with the grouchy older girl. 

Who has been giving me an attitude since last night. 

Affected my mood. Made me anxious and frustrated.

Younger one is slowly being influenced as well and has started giving grouchy faces and pursed lips these last 2-3 months.

Overly chatty cab driver. One baby roach in the car too. Crawling on the ceiling. 

Made for a slightly tense 25min ride.

Rushing things. With one staff who kept bugging me on stuff at the same time.

Boss’ boss pushing for things.

 

Big frowns.

Not talking. Just listening to my piano music.

And just taking deep breaths and making a lot of frustrated sighs.

I hope I don’t disturb YZ who’s in front of me.

9 April - part 2

It is a milestone of sorts...

Today marks the first time I used the razor on the older girl. She refused it this afternoon but came to me on her own accord in the evening...and so yeah...it's a first! 

Have to slowly teach her how to use it in the future though...

Parenting is quite the journey...lol. 

9 April

14 years ago. 

9 April 2009. 

K & I got together that fateful evening.

It's been a long running debate on who conned who to get onto the pirate ship. 

到底是谁骗谁上贼船的？

lol...

Thank you sayang for being around all this while. 

To the many ups and downs and everything in between...

And to the many more adventures and experiences we'll have in the future!

也不求什么, 材米油盐平平淡淡过个日子我也开心!

With Love & Patience

I remind myself quite often these days

When I'm running out of steam or patience

That when the girls ask for me, when they need me or want me to be around

To be there if I can. 

For they are only at this age and this stage once in their lives

Once this stage is over, there is no getting it back 

If they want any hug or reassurance or listening ear

If they want me to lie in between them while they fall asleep

If they want me to play riddles with them

If Nadya wants me to massage her back

If Alyssa wants to hold my hand or nuzzle me

I will try my best and be there

For I've a feeling that

It will be sooner rather than later

When they start to stop being this way

When they stop wanting to hold my hand

When they stop wanting to snuggle with me during bed time

When they stop asking for hugs and kisses

When this time comes

I don't know how I will feel actually

Because sometimes

I needed that hug more than they needed it

Breathe Again

Reminder to self-manage more again.

Back-slided quite abit. Manifesting through fatigue, slightly queasy tummy, some fogginess/grogginess, irritability and strong emotions.

Hang in there Michelle...just breathe and keep going...baby steps again if you need. 

你可以的！

Breathe

Breathe.

船到桥头自然直

Thinking, worrying won't get you anywhere much. 

Stuck in a rut again. Worrying about upcoming things. 

Maybe I should cut down on lurking on social media again. Many nice and happy (whether curated or not) photos out there that are making me subconsciously think?

Monsters

Read about a child abuse case in Singapore. And I was got quite....

Angry. At how the mother treated the poor child. At how the stepfather treated the poor girl. 

Sad. At how the 11-yr-old girl felt during those last months of her short life.

Disappointed. That there are such scums around in our midst. That the welfare officer who had a video call with the girl just 3 weeks before her death, did not notice anything amiss. Even when he went to their house on several occasions and did not get to see her each time. Maybe he could not or did not have any means of issuing any harder enforcement against the parents. Maybe his hands were tied. 

I hope justice is served. Even if the law lets them off more lightly then I would have liked, I hope God watches and sees....and metes out appropriate actions...

Rest in peace little girl. I think you're better up there in Heaven now. 

Gave the girls extra hugs and kisses last night...

Dear...

Dear Stomach,
Dear Gut, 

It's been 4 years. I still don't know what exactly makes you upset. And I've already changed my diet alot to accomodate you. It's really a hit or miss sometimes. Please cooperate with me? I don't want to work so hard (over months) to increase my weight by a little, only to lose it again within a day or two when I get a bout of diarrhoea or "stomach queasy" situation. 

I don't know how long I've not bathed my rice in curry gravy, gorged on a plate of tomato-based pasta, had wine, stuffed myself with a full plate of chye tow kueh or char kway teow......or drunk what used to be my favourite HL milk. 

Let's work together ok? Let's work together with Mind too. And maybe Muscle too. 

I believe we can...and I still look forward to curry-filled days. 

Fighting!

For Posterity

Happy Valentine's Day!

Came home last night and was stopped by Nadya from walking into the house further. She said I had to close my eyes and she'd lead me to my room. By then, I'd already spotted an empty plastic bag on a shelf nearby, the kind used to carry bouquets of flowers lol. So I knew what was coming up.

So my eyes were closed, and Nadya was leading me to the room in baby steps...Out comes Alyssa who took my other hand and chirped: "Come on Mama! Let's go to your room to see your big bouquet of flowers!!"

LOL LOL LOL...

My instant reaction was.. "Alamak, Nadya's gonna get real pissed at having the surprise spoiled." There was alot of grumpiness on her part but I guess the excitement of having flowers at home and them making cards for me & K still kept her spirits up quite well. 

Thank you sayang for the flowes...and for the little bouquets for the girls too..:) 

The girls made cards and bookmarks for me and K. Alyssa's card was particularly comforting and sweet. It read:

"Happy Valentine's Day! I know how tired you can be after work. I also feel that way after school but this card is to cheer you up! To: Mama, From: Alyssa.

Laoniang's heart is full...and thankful..:)

Ganbatte

Just realised I've neglected this space quite abit. 

In all 17 years I've had this space, 2022 had the least posts. 74 in the entire year. 

2022 was challenging and I felt like I was being pulled from all directions.

I am expecting the first 4 months of 2023 to be hectic as well. And I am really hoping that there is more breathing room thereafter. The new head of the unit I am covering is in, and I hope he picks up fast so I can throw most things to him soon. 

Ganbatte Michelle.

Keep going. 

Teary morning. 

But.

Keep going.

Keep walking. 

You can do this. 

Keep going

Week of end Oct and early Nov was tough. Worked in office, got home, put the girls to bed, and then continued clearing things. 

There were 1 or 2 nights I felt like puking. I think my body was protesting. 

I can breathe slightly better now. The newest perm staff recruited specifically for this project has caught up well enough and can run most things on her own already. Helps that she's smart and understood most gaps and policy issues raised. LSE grad 果然不同. 

There are still things to settle on the workfront but I am cutting myself abit more slack these few days...Physically tired. Mentally a little. 

But.

Keep going. 

Keep moving. 

Keep walking. 

Keep showing up. 

Ganbatte!!!